Life without a backspace

The fall of motivation

2011-05-11T20:55:00.000+10:00

If there’s anything at work that’s pushing me onwards, it’s Maltesers and me being me. I do not like where I’m working at and I’m not ashamed to say it. I think my boss has a weird way of managing. It might be good for others but it totally does not click with me. Maltesers, on the other hand, is a friend of mine but also plays a very good role of being a good supervisor for me.

I was told today that I would have to go to Sittwe on this Sunday for the whole week. Soon much? I was a bit agitated actually but I was also excited given this means I would be free from stupid work emails I get. Work, to me, right now, is a place full of people who are just so unmotivated to make things happen and who just work for the sake of getting paid and I do not think these people are to blamed actually. The boss himself has been pretty stressed out understandably but then it does not mean he should lack his effort in follow ups. I have emails unread by him and I just don’t think the place I’m working in right now is systematic. It’s a mess and it’s all out of place.

To make things worse, even without me bitching about work to my workmates, I found a lot of my workmates who are totally unhappy at work and who don’t give a shit anymore. Maybe I should join that clan.

Listening to: Paris Avenue – I want you

Bunny on my wall

2011-05-10T20:38:00.000+10:00

It amazes me how some celebrities are so snobby but how some of them are so not. I like to think myself as one of those unsnobby one since I’ve once told Sithu Lwin that I was his biggest fan in men’s toilet, while drunk. I have also fake drunk at 50th street’s staircase and I let those bartenders call me “Khant Sithu”, this actor who looks like me. So, I don’t think I’m NOWHERE near snobby. I might have a lot of expectations for those around me though but I can’t care less to have fun or be myself in front of others.

So, Bunny Phyo is this most famous RnB up and rising singer. I know this because I have heard his songs in internet cafes and at first I really like it but due to the users keeping this song on repeat in internet cafes, I kinda got sick of that song but my first impression of his song is honestly wow.

His style of music kinda brings the new RnB with the old. As much as I could see him struggling to be part of the new RnB clan, I could feel a bit of a basketball hooped slow jams like Aaliyah or Boyz II Men. So, I do respect him anyways.

He wrote on my wall on my Facebook music page, which was just amazing. First of all, it is a big boost to my fan base given now I’ll be advocating his fans as well and vice versa. Second, he’s THE actual real deal current star and I feel more than honored to have him write on my wall about how good my album is and ACTUALLY specifying which songs. Third, now I know he’s not one of those snobby bitches.

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson – A moment like this

Sold out

2011-05-09T20:23:00.001+10:00

I’m not a big fan of Angel at work but what she said to me totally made my day and I couldn’t contain myself to find out that my album actually sold out in MyayNeGone City mart.

First of all, it might be a small inventory. Maybe, it’s like four or five albums distributed to sell at that record store but amidst all these albums not being able to sell during the ‘piracy’ era, I find it quite honoring and awesome that they sold out be it four or five CD’s. Finally, I could live the success.

To make things better, while recording Crazy DJ for KP at his place, he told me how he will start semi-managing me and he will find gigs for me. It’s just awesome to have a friend who would do things for you at times.

Listening to: Annie Lennox – Love song for a vampire

Green grass

2011-05-08T14:02:00.000+10:00

Since NOL is out of the hospital, I can finally arrange what he’s wanted to do since the day the lower half of his body got paralyzed. Seeing on bed on Friday was quite annoyingly saddening and having an uncle who have been paralyzed for 13 years, I feel nothing but empathy and the temptation to help him out as much as I can is just deadly boiling inside of me.

I picked up my fortuneteller and went to his place. His mother and family were there and his little gay friend was there as well. It was pleasant to hear views about my billboard looking hot especially from gay guys. Ok, back to the story, as I’ve suspected, NOL’s case was a voodoo. It’s not like I do not believe the fortune teller but it’s also because I find it hard to believe that we are living in a world where black magic or voodoo is not done. That’s just bullshit when it’s still practiced no matter how un-third world the country is. If it’s any consolation at all, it does feel great to have a feeling of you got rid of it as opposed to you not knowing what causes some mishaps in your life.

I managed to squeeze in for a session with the fortuneteller, given I can come across as a big fanatic of going to fortune tellers. The funny thing was how I couldn’t come up with any questions. I’m just too happy with what I’ve got at the moment, be it good or bad. Maybe I’m not in Australia, maybe I’m not with BooMan anymore, maybe I lost my chance to even start anything with wifeyD and maybe things are not going well around me, but I can’t help being content with what I’ve got and kinda more focused on what’s happening now rather than what’s going to happen or what has happened.

I did meet up with GoldFish at night. Sad but true but I know that this kid has a HUGE crush on me and to make things worse, he’s still 20 and he has a mindset of a game playing ‘in love’ person, the types you would see in Asian drama movies.

I might have a sick friend and I know I’ll be accused as someone who leads a twenty year old boy on but I can’t help being happy about the fact that I got nothing to ask the fortuneteller. Maybe, I’m finally thinking the green is actually green on my side too and it’s just a trick of light to make it green on the other side.

Listening to: Estelle – American boy

Interview with the celebrity with a hangover

2011-05-07T13:46:00.000+10:00

Unaware and pretty much drunk, I managed to drag my ass to the radio station for an interview with City FM. The first interview went well since it was all a repetition of information about my album. I thought that was pretty much it until they handed out three more papers.

Health papers
So, of all the celebrities they could’ve interviewed, they interviewed about health. Hepatitis B positive although it is not contagious (thank god), a binge-eater and fresh from last night’s drinkage (arriving home at 7am in the morning and sleeping from 8am until 11am), I was totally not a fit candidate for this interview. I tried my very best to answer honestly and not to overstate nor understate any self-observatory facts.

Love papers
So, for health and my album related interviews, they still have someone who was asking me, which means I was sitting with an interviewer with her talking to me as well. The love paper was different. I had to keep babbling things on my own while answering all of the questions written on the paper. I don’t know much about love and I mentioned it straight away that I cannot define its meaning. However, I tried to encourage everyone to just go with the flow and not to theorize everything they encounter.

Hate papers
This paper was all about heartbreak. So, what do I do when a heart breaks? Do I handle break ups well? Am I the breaker or the breakee? I guess this was my department and I mentioned it to the audience as well that I’m freshly broken from a 10 months relationship last November. I said it like I see it. About how it’s useless for friends to expect you to do everything they ask you to do given you are in a vulnerable state to think right and you will not listen to anyone but yourself. I also mentioned how I now believe that there are more than one ‘the one’ in our lives.

Not sure if it’s the alcohol or the interview but it was not that bad to answer opinionated questions drunk.

Listening to: Nicki Minaj – Right through me

Threesome domino

2011-05-06T20:56:00.001+10:00

Ever wonder how the domino blocks would feel like if they were allowed to have emotions and an ability to speak? Especially when they are arranged to fall with their heads on one’s toe in front of them?

Head first on someone’s feet while one’s head is on yours, sometimes I wonder if karma would be laughing at me at this minute. GoldFish finally hinted that he liked me. He did not literally say it but after a few conversations that involve a lot of his imagination with me in his mental pictures, he admitted he was not really happy that I would leave him one day. Now, you tell me what part of platonic measure does his phrase lay. If I have to lower down my intelligence and pretend that this is all happening between two friends, I wouldn’t know any more indications I should give if I want to go further beyond friends, be it sex or a relationship.

I wouldn’t know any more indications I should give to KiwiMan as well. Maybe not as heavy as GoldFish was feeling for me but I was so tempted to make a move on KiwiMan given it was his second last day in Myanmar. Why does he give me attention and his time of day. A conversation leaned towards me between me and this other Kiwi dude, a pool game where we both nearly won but he blamed it on the girls getting my attention whilst playing and following me and X (yes, the Myanmar Jewish girl in my other blog entries) to an after-pub breakfast at 4am in the morning when he could’ve just gone home.

Both GoldFish and I felt the same confusion about the term ‘platonic’, especially the ‘gay’ talk never got in the way. One of my good friends from Sydney mentioned not to care about the gender preference and I fully agree. However, we do find ourselves quite lost in the whole game when it comes to not knowing how much more you can pace forward between the other guy and you. I have never mentioned about me being gay to GoldFish and I tease him a couple of times but I expect him to know that I’m single, gay and available. Sometimes, I wonder if KiwiMan is doing the same thing as I’m doing to GoldFish.

Like three domino pieces, my head falls on KiwiMan’s feet while GoldFish rests his on mine. At the end of day, three of us mean no harm and worst of all, three of us are never meant to be.

Listening to: Brian McFadden – Mistakes (feat. Delta Goodrem)

Bureaucracy maze

2011-05-05T19:30:00.001+10:00

Is development dependent only on the man leading the system? I’m afraid it’s not. As much as we like to blame others for dissatisfaction, it’s exactly you or any other complainers who can do something about it rather than the dude who leads the system.

Passport extension has never been this destructive to one’s weekday. There I was, today, happy with the patch-up I had with my boss. I’ve come to realize how my boss is bad at managing but it can only be better if only the people working for him gives half a shit about what they’re doing at work. Well, I would say ‘some’ since I know of some people at my workplace who’s actually in control of what they have to do and how they’re going to be doing it.

I took a lunch break hoping the passport extending bureaucracy would only take an hour or upmost an hour and a half but it resulted in two and a half hours of going through a maze. I went there with one of these girls who work with my grand-dad and despite the fact that there was nothing I could do to help, I hate it when she kept assuring those people in uniform at the department that my grand-dad used to work for the country before. I just felt like I was taking advantage.

After several trips of three levels of crowds of people and rude service, I realized that blaming the service is just ridiculous no matter how rude they were. I mean, first of all, they have to sit behind the counter all day to deal with people who would do ANYTHING to squeeze an extra from them. Begging, complaining or finger pointing to cheat through bureaucracy, it’s not always the people behind the counter who’s the asshole but the people themselves who are being assholes.

Want a good system? Don’t break the one we’ve got for now.

Listening to: Ke$ha – Blow

Cats and dogs

2011-05-04T19:32:00.000+10:00

So, grass is always greener on the other side and maybe my action towards my working place is just part of my version of that. As I was starting to find some fitting in done in my working place where I accept that my boss has bad management skills which can be balanced by the good management from my supervisor and as I start to feel the wetness of the greener grass I was sitting on at work despite the difficulty of stains on my pants, someone pooed on this green grass today.

Angel, who works with me and who’s one of those international seniors have always been using me as a messenger to help her out with those around her she doesn’t want to directly communicate with. I do not really like the way she works but who was I to judge, right? Somehow, one of the dudes working for her, who is actually one of my very good colleagues, emailed a resignation email and refused to show up to work. Shocking yet foreseeable.

I somehow could foresee a lot of things coming my way so I emailed my big boss about setting my roles and priorities right and somehow I got an email semi-assuring me that I no longer need to work on my priorities working with Angel. Somehow, Angel kept bugging me with lots of tasks from her so I emailed her saying I need to do other stuffs.

This was when she went all catty and mentioned how she could have also said she needs to do other stuffs as well, to which I replied was the reason why I emailed the big boss about setting my roles and priorities right. She replied with a “Today is a day of surprises”, which I figured she was referring to my colleagues resigning while working under her. I’m also guessing me not helping her is surprising for her as well. I replied that with a bitchy remark of “and also a day of clarity”.

It was raining cats and dogs outside and somehow the cat at work finally meets the bitch at work. I still do not have any anger towards her to be honest but somehow I was disappointed at her immaturity when it comes to getting what she wants and swerving it in such a catty way, which actually defeats any menopausal ladies’ depressive bitter mockery on pleasant things in life.

Climate change is spoken of at work and I guess the whole climate at work has started to shift a huge level with people dropping out and frenemies formed internally. How long can we last as an entity? The saddest thing is how I really hope Maltesers does not get involved in any of these since her patriotism towards her working place, which I respect, can somehow transform her into a villain which I 100% believe she isn’t.

Listening to: Bjork – I miss you

Karma is a motherf**ker

2011-05-03T20:39:00.000+10:00

My grandmother never hesitates to tell me to make sure I pray for the best for those who hurt my feelings. Easier said than done. I mean, how in the world can we ever forgive others enough to be able to wish them well ‘genuinely’ when we know that they have done a lot of things to hurt our feelings? Let’s just say it’s possible and it happened today.

I am currently working on a website for my organization, “Org H”, and it has been a long time since I’ve started working on it. Last two months ago, Org A and Org M came up with the same idea but they’re linking with Org C. Org C, itself, acts as a resource bank of data from all the agencies and it has been there for quite some time. Let’s just say Org C is the bomb diggity of all information from all the humanitarian/development agencies existent in Myanmar.

Obviously, Org A and Org M have a huge advantage over us since it’s linked with something that has already existed and they were acting as ‘assisting’ or ‘revamping’ Org C’s website. I went to their workshop and found out that Org A, Org M and we can work together as one. I mean, Org C is the queen of resource pool and we have the interactivity advantage. So, we working together would be just perfect.

I was given a ‘verbal’ invite to the meeting today by Org A, claiming they needed me there to back them up on our collaboration. The dude from Org A asked me for a presentation that I gave last Friday for reference yesterday and I gave it to him because I was gonna give it to the other agencies anyways. So, at the meeting today, Org A and Org M asked me to give the presentation impromptu and I wasn’t told about the existence of the Government officials in the room.

In another ‘undiplomatic’ word, I was locked down in a meeting by my so called ‘partners’, who turned out to be my ‘rivals’ intentionally. I was cornered as I was giving the presentation about how it would be better for us to delete/decrease the functions whilst I was trying my best to explain how we could collaborate.

Ignoring the unethical cornering from my frenemies, I stuck to my virtue about how we can collaborate. After my presentation, Org A and Org M gave their presentation and I guess to their surprise, I supported them from A to Z, ignoring that they have totally cornered me and tried to fuck up my presentation about my website.

Miraculously, greed got in the way for Org A while he was explaining his website revamping of Org C in such a way that he has stepped over the line of their abilities. Now, I’ve never asked for competition and I genuinely offered to help them since I was gonna get the data they wanted anyways. I even offered to give them the credit. I was glad when Org C decided to agree that we, Org H, was needed indeed to help these two frenemies of mine.

As my grandma has taught me, I stuck to my beliefs and I believed for the best. Win win at its best, I’ve managed to get out of a meeting where they tried to corner me and get me down unprofessionally with pride, faith and hope while grabbing my balls I’ve built to last any incoming unprofessional immature traits from other agencies in the future. The morale of this story is not to be fooled by so called ‘professional’ agencies directors or leads no matter how they have been working for a long time in this industry. It’s only been a year for me and I guess sticking to the actual win win has caused me to think that monopolizing and manipulating others as an advantage to oneself while trying to make others believe that one is doing for the advantage of saving other lives does not last long. Karma’s a bad motherfucker! Want a tissue?

Listening to: The Beautiful South – Dream a little dream

Not my kind of boss

2011-05-02T20:29:00.000+10:00

How unprofessional can one be if he should blog about how bad his boss is!!!! However, given this blog does not involve any usage of backspace and given this blog entry is just about the end of clickage between me and my boss, this blog entry contains nothing bad about my boss. Just the right kind of wrong that one can suffice and one can’t. I’m team ‘can’t suffice’!

So, the more I work with my boss, the more I know of his tricks. It’s not always easy to not appreciate tricks from bosses since it’s awesome to learn how one deals with issues. However, the way my boss deals with issues, in my opinion, does not really impress my ‘respect’ ratings for him.

So, my boss is really good at diplomacy as a verbal weapon. I’ve been pretty honest with how I feel at work and to these, he’s responded with ultra diplomacy. Honest, genuine and caring and not scared to apologize, how can any employee not like that kind of boss? He mentioned once in the meeting how he expects people in his org to learn and he does not want to spoon feed.

My boss was faced with some issues today. To me, it was his lack of follow ups and his majorly bad management skills. It’s not like he’s not smart. He’s a very smart man but when it comes to giving time, he’s very stingy and the worst is how he would never stay up to date or make time for what’s happening under him until the very end when things have gone a bit haywired. To make things worse, I’ve never felt encouraged by my boss and he’s never given an impression that he knows which pie he has poked his finger in that I was talking about whenever we have to clear things to save our asses and most importantly the whole organization’s ass.

I’m not saying he’s wrong. Maybe one can stand his type of management and I believe there are loyal people who will stick to his way of working. However, I believe that a good boss to me is someone who’s on track with things and who is able to lead with a notion of what his staffs are talking about. Yes, my boss right now does not have time but is it too much to ask to give an extra effort in giving his staffs more time?

I’m seriously thinking of looking for a new job….. sorry boss!

Listening to: Jack Johnson – Rodeo clowns

The final days of Gaydar

2011-05-01T20:14:00.000+10:00

Nobody wants to start the month of May with uncertainty but I guess I’ll have to break that rule in indulging the readers in yet another adventures of Hein at a coffee table with a cute guy.

Surprisingly KiwiMan showed up around 3:30pm after GermanChick and I asked him to come at 3pm to have coffee with us. So, KiwiMan is from New Zealand but he’s lived in Australia before and in Australia, some men are just major friendly at first sight. It’s annoying to the point where we, gay guys, completely lost track of the screws and bolts in our effective machine, gaydar. For some reason, the gaydar beeps a friendly signal around these str8 boys only to find out later that they are, in fact, not really into penis at all. Disappointment at its best, the gay boys come home with a realization that they’ve been having the best talks they’ve had in years with a rug eater.

KiwiMan, I’m afraid, would end up to be like these men but thanks once again to GermanChick, I somehow find a glimpse of hope in him. After GermanChick went home around 5pm, KiwiMan stayed and talked to me for three whole hours and we ended up going home only around 8pm. Now, I know I’m being a bit too crazily biased here but how many straight men would spend 4 and a half hours talking with a gay man one on one at a coffee table. It’s possible, I know, but we hardly knew each other and it’s only been one day since I got to know KiwiMan.

The going home was even more intolerable when he initiated the hug when I decided to let him slip without hugging him and him trying to fix yet another date to have with me asking me ‘are you free during the weekdays?’. KiwiMan is totally not one of those ‘no friends’ type but it seems like he’s enjoying spending time with me and it kills me only because I’m becoming more and more interested in him, leaning towards me strengthening the thoughts of his possible conversion from a muff eater to a fudge packer.

Can all of my fagfriends help me out here? Do you feel how I feel? Or have I turned way more desperate enough to be interested in a straight man with two failed marriages with two women. Yes, vagina, people… vagina!!!

Listening to: The Strokes – Hard to explain

Ki'wizz'd

2011-04-30T16:08:00.000+10:00

One press conference and one radio interview later with one more radio interview to come, I find myself quite chilled and content at 50th street when I went and gave my poster and CD to the bartenders at 50th street. As I was signing the poster, I could feel someone watching me from the corner of my right eye. Little do I know that he was gonna be my good friend a few hours later.

I might be naïve or pretty lame but I love making friends from pubs. People who talk a lot and a conversation that doesn’t need to be prolonged, it’s just refreshing how one can find such company from a drink or two. Sober I was, I started talking to this guy who was eyeing me signing my poster.

After a few minutes of a good bounce back and forth conversation, I learnt that he’s a Kiwi living the life of ‘Eat Pray and Love’ in Myanmar. Once a trumpeter and now just enjoying his free life as a traveler searching for answers in his life, it was nice to talk about life in general. The conversation got deeper and deeper by the minutes and it was just amazing to see KiwiMan still indulged in spending time talking about life theories. As I kept talking, I started to realize that this was probably the best conversation I’ve had with a guy in a bar and it was quite annoying that he was good looking (VERY good looking) and not gay. He broke up with his wife and I had some break ups in my life. I hated the Julia Roberts movie and he loves it enough to buy himself a dvd.

It was all cool until GermanChick came and she told me how she thought this guy was into me. He’s straight as an arrow but I can’t help wondering what GermanChick was true or not given KiwiMan, maybe due to his drinks, was beginning to get comfortable and started being a bit of a ‘push and shove’r towards the end. And it also sucks that GermanChick was studying us and she said that she could feel like he could be so good for me. The truth is I like him a lot but I just had to keep telling myself that he’s not gay.

Seriously, sometimes it makes me wonder why we all need to label ourselves and is it wrong to like someone regardless of his/her gender through a good conversation?

Listening to: Bjork – Play dead

Biography

2011-04-29T18:27:00.000+10:00

So, my album’s finally out. Seeing the huge billboard of me and posters of me made me feel nostalgic of my last album release, which was seven years ago.

The past
As much as I hate to admit it, I was never fond of my past as a singer. I would get embarrassed when people who didn’t know me refer to me as a Myanmar Justin Timberlake or a pop icon. I mean, I think popularity in Myanmar is based on album sales and the shows performed. In all honesty, none of my albums in the past made it big nor I had to sing in a lot of shows. I might be known because I came out as one of the youngest singers in Myanmar during the era where the youngest would be only around the twenties. So, somehow I feel a bit jaded when my friends get the idea that I’m this rockstar who’s released four albums in the past.

The present
I’m proud of this album only because I worked on it on my own. Of course, I had a bit of help from here and there from my friends but everything in this album had to run by my decision to do things or not. It’s all about me as well as I’ve written most of the songs, thus my album being named ‘Biography’. At the risk of sounding like a show off, I’m glad to say that I’m quite proud of this album.

The future
The future looks quite trickily unpredictable. Only because the audience these days have become too educated and curious in more than one genre of music. Before, it used to be one guy who made it big and everyone liking that guy or anyone who can perform like him. However, it seems like a great opportunity to experiment my types of music but at the same time, it’s normal to be nervous, I guess, about the acceptance I might get or not get from the audience.

Nonetheless, what’s done is done and all I need to do is to wait for what’s to come out of this Biography album.

Listening to: Britney Spears – Womanizer

Spotlight theory

2011-04-28T17:40:00.000+10:00

The thought of trying to finish a radio show while getting ready for a presentation for the day after seems scary but then again, it’s no use complaining about it. At times, though we all hate it, we gotta use our ‘spotlight’ theory in life.

I named this theory ‘spotlight’ since I derived this theory from a talent show when I was 9. I was asked to perform a song at school by my grandparents, which I was totally fine with. It was all cool until I had to go up the stage and with the spotlight beaming at my face and the audience expecting me to sing a song, it was only useless to chicken out or fail on stage. I felt like running away or crying in the corner fearing that these people will laugh at my performance but then again, me doing that would enable them to laugh at me more and even worse, they would think that I do not have the guts to do it.

Amidst my busy schedule and my fear of not finishing my deliverables on time, I guess applying this theory made me better. I’m already in the middle of a trap so it’s only fair I soldier on no matter how much bad feedbacks I’m gonna get, at least I’ll get respect for trying to break the chains.

Listening to: Massive Attack – Risingson

Diplomacy through a poster

2011-04-27T16:39:00.001+10:00

Diplomacy, to me, is just a way to pick out a positive attribute of something/someone to get what you want and to give them what they want at the same time. Sometimes, it’s treated in such a way that people often forget about the simplest solution to diplomacy is forgiveness and avoiding the past to affect the present.

Translator is a good respected employee, I have to admit, and there hasn’t been any meat between her and me. Maybe what she says in meeting affects us all as a whole but somehow I find it hard to hate her or even have a negative feelings towards her.

Knowing I have to give a presentation this Friday in a meeting she leads, I managed to go up to her office to give her my poster for my album. It was nice to be able to talk nice with her again. After all, at the end of day, work shouldn’t affect the way we are towards each other. Maybe she could be this big bitch at work and maybe she has the rights to be but nonetheless, I believe that this should not destroy our friendship. She’s a good lady to be honest.

Gaining diplomacy through a poster and a reunion with an ex staff from my workgroup, I marched home proudly with a knowing that I do NOT let work get in the way of comfort. It’s tough to have passion in what you do when what you do is pretty much decided and judged by several groups. Only fair you don’t get things your way. Why waste time dwelling on one failure when you have more to come and implement.

Listening to: lady Gaga - Judas

Mmm Papi

2011-04-26T18:36:00.001+10:00

We all love getting attention while flirting with a cute guy/girl and we all enjoy given the time of day. Keeping sex and exclusivity aside, it’s the phase of butterflies in one’s stomach when we don’t know what’s yet to come or what’s happening in a flirtage between two individuals.

It was all good between GoldFish and me UNTIL he decided that it would be funky to call me ‘Fhay fhay’ (a cute version to call me dad in Burmese). So, whenever he refers to me as ‘fhay fhay’, I am constantly reminded about our age gap of ten years, him being 20 and me being 30. Then, it also reminds me how much cheese the context contains and how I’ve grown out of teenage role plays. To make things worse, when he jokes about making me treat him to dinner or lunch, I feel like I’ve reached the age to become an official sugar daddy for a teen gay boy!

So, if I were to have a huge boner around GoldFish, limpage would totally strike as soon as he calls me ‘fhay fhay’. I am still trying to make him stop calling me that by calling myself ‘ako’ (big brother) and calling him by his name but he still refuses to drop the father-and-son act. Seriously, how will we ever get to have sex if we were supposed to? Or have I got myself engaged in a teenage gay love story, where sex without exclusivity is seen as a sin and the whole constant dependency.

OMG! Kill me now… but then again, if there’s anyone using anyone to an advantage, it’s probably me who’s been getting free radio interviews and media attention via this kid. He he.. who’s the sugar daddy now!!!!

Listening to: Rihanna – What’s my name (feat. Drake)

Hi, my name is Hein and I'm an .....

2011-04-25T17:14:00.000+10:00

My uncle is paralyzed from his hips down and I know a lot of people who are diagnosed with HIV. I’m cool with them and I’ve taught myself how to not take them with sympathy but just treat it like a common cold or flu that they have. However, I don’t really know how to react to someone who’s been walking fine around me and younger than me, who’s paralyzed from his hips down and diagnosed with HIV.

My gay friend was diagnosed with HIV a while ago and I am not to know this but I heard from a close friend that in fact he IS diagnosed with HIV. However, I chose to shrug it off until I was confirmed by another friend of mine, who has nothing to do with the first friend. So, my gay friend has HIV.

He’s in the hospital now because he drank too much until the point that his brain cells could not really respond to anything for his legs. He also said it was because of the weather as well. So, the past few days, I’ve been waking up early and taking shower without the heater on, drinking after work, coming back home at 3am to take shower without heater again.

So, in order to avoid the risk of a possible brain hemmorage (like my dad) and paralysis (like my friend) in the future, I think it’s about time I do not binge-do things anymore. It’s just so scary if you think about it….

Listening to: Fool’s Garden - Suzy

Illusional throne

2011-04-24T18:41:00.000+10:00

This kid called GoldFish added me on facebook sometime ago. I thought he was cute and judging from his pics, I knew he works in a radio station. GoldFish arranged an interview for me with his radio station today and it was weird to be a public figure again.

I tried so hard to maintain my manner and to be superficially and phoney fair but it didn’t work. Polite, yes I was but neutral, I was not. I was highly opinionated and quite honest about things I answered. It was a very relaxed and simple interview so it wasn’t that bad.

During the water festival, I blogged about how this media dude was pissed off with me. I was glad to find out that I was not the only one. He also called KP and KC to sing at his mandat (stage) but both of them didn’t go, without contacting him back. I guess the media dude got frustrated and kinda just had a spazz attack at me.

It’s one thing to be the most respected one and to be on top but once you start to lose seeing the ground, that’s when you have to know you have to get back down to figure your way or else you’ll get lost on top. I don’t know what the media dude expected but given things have totally developed in the music industry with existence of contracts and legal issues involved, it’s not desirable to make someone come and perform on your stage after one day of notice pro bono. My reason was because I did not want to perform before my album gets out. I didn’t mind performing pro bono or the short notice.

With the type of people who are kind and respectful and professional like the guys at the radio station, it’s not that long now until the media dude can easily lost his throne. Tough luck but there’s no such thing as ‘number 1’ in life. Knowing you’re number 1 is the day you actually lose track of everything in life and start to decline your way down.

Listening to: Jason Mraz – You and I both

Reminders

2011-04-23T18:10:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, we gotta remind ourselves of those things we have forgotten which had happened in the past that had made so much impact but somehow got lost somewhere between now and then.

I haven’t been talking much to my grandmother for so long since I’ve been pretty depressed at home and kinda sick about how everything we talked about as a family was of my career. Talking about my album as soon as I come back from work or before I go to work is just intolerable at times. However, it was her birthday today and this was the first ever time I treated my grandparents and my uncle to a dinner. It felt good to see my grandma so happy as she finished three glasses of wine with a ciggie halfway, which I’ve never seen happened before. She was having fun.

It’s weird how LKing from Sydney was in Yangon with his girlfriend, MissL. It’s just even weirder that LKing and I have never ever been so closed when we were in uni but somehow after talking to his girlfriend, MissL, I found out how he likes me and it was sweet that he chose to contact me while he was on a holiday trip to Myanmar. I hung out with him and his other friend he came to Myanmar with and discovered how I’ve been totally not comfortable with hanging out with those who are actually nice to me. I don’t really know why I have never talked more to LKing. Despite the fact that we both are from the nerdy IT department, which means 60% of the students don’t click with me, LKing was nowhere near any nerds I know. Honest and cynically funny and really kind, I couldn’t think why I’ve never made more than a ‘hello’ and ‘bye’ talks with him. It was nice to have drinks with him as I was reminded of how I nearly lost good friends if it wasn’t for this catch up.

While drinking at 50th street with LKing, I managed to make new friends and whenever those girls gave me true compliments like ‘you’re cute’, I get reminded of how I’ve never accepted that. It’s true anyone can just chuck a ‘you’re cute’ and it can be phoney as well but these girls were really indulged in their own conversation at first. Given I was nasty and dirty minded, some even gave me weird looks. Somehow along the end of the night, they have accepted me and came to agreement that I’m cute and that they wanted to hang out more with me.

It’s amazing how one’s memory works. All these things I was reminded of today have always been in my head but somehow I have chosen to forget it or never thought about it. Having a good family, good friends and a good person as myself, these three are the things I’ve managed to ignore most of the time I’ve been dramatizing and feeling sorry about myself.

Listening to: John Mayer – Stop this train

Seeing double

2011-04-22T18:06:00.000+10:00

It’s true I’ve been seeing a lot of gay guys lately around me and it’s true I’ve been getting attention and compliments from them but they come with company. Whenever I see a gay guy I could start a conversation with, it won’t be that long until I see another guy with him.

Afterwork drink has never been this fun at 50th street. Anybody who’s anybody was there. I guess it was the revival after the new year’s holidays that made most of the expats I know to be present. Strange thing was how there were a couple of gay men as well. It’s not everytime I went to 50th street that I see one gay guy, let alone more than one. KingB was there but I had much more fun talking about aliens with his boyfriend, who needs a name in my blog now. KingT would be good. KingT and I were talking about things I would normally talk about only when I get high. The Israeli crew was there as well with two-four gay men with them.

As I’ve mentioned before, they were all in even numbers. It’s not that bad to be honest but I’m not sure what the universe is trying to tell me. Are all good gay men taken? Am I to not ever hope for any gay man to be my significant other? Does this mean I’m gonna find my ‘one’ soon? If God created signs, why could he not have created something simpler for the recipients to understand the signs or who/what is giving them? That would’ve made things so much easier.

Listening to: Danity Kane – Damaged

History repeated

2011-04-21T13:08:00.000+10:00

Call it co-incidence but somehow, Jersualem’s hindu chanting that can be understood by the universe to attract men and health has been working 50%, given I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedbacks from men but not the wealth but it’s not like I wanted wealth as much as I wanted men.

Yesterday night, my friend who I became friends with during Thingyan, who came back from the States a week ago, MissHeart, told me how she was trying to get the stuffs back from the male model we met during Thingyan and he said he would give it to me. Ok, what was that about? He could’ve given to Mich who he’s closer with. So, am I to meet this dude again? Then, we got this guy who I tried to sleep with on Sunday but ended up not and pushing him away from me to sleep (the night I lost my mojo) telling me how he loves my eyes and my forehead. Not to mention, he is STILL talking to me non-stop. This cutie who works in the radio station added me as well and talked to me the whole afternoon despite my busy schedule at work.

The most interesting attention I got was from Dumov. Yes, if you remember, I did blog about him a couple of days ago. My former ex-datee, who used to be my friend and still is, talked about breaking up with his boyfriend last few weeks ago. Of course I didn’t ask him to and even if I were in Sydney, I wouldn’t be able to lead him onto breaking up.

Well, they broke up and Dumov, as awkward as always, stated “Now, I can flirt with you.” on facebook today. It was no harm since I wasn’t in Sydney but I was there to talk a bit with him, half flirt and half care. Dumov and I had some weird history like the day we both drank Bourbon at his place. This was when he was with his boyfriend back then. We had drinks and I ended up sleeping with him on his bed. No kisses but cuddles. He woke up guilty the next morning, to which I assured him nothing happened and that I rather his boyfriend doesn’t know this, given it’s nothing to worry about. We still kept in touch and we would normally hang out a couple of times.

The truth? I do like him. I’m kinda glad I’m not in Sydney at the moment cos things could get real dangerous if I were.

Listening to: REM – Imitation of life

Judging women

2011-04-20T12:33:00.001+10:00

I thought going drinking on a Wednesday seems wrong enough until I see my colleague. I’m not talking about the UN colleague but someone who works in the same music industry as I do.

LadyLove was one of those contest winning uprising diva in Myanmar. She surprised me the first time with her ability to look as hot as a model and sing awesome at the same time but she disappointed me with her choice of songs, which were all soppy and Celine Dion-ish; it made her look like a drag queen in music videos whereas her face would look perfect with Lady Gaga genre.

She’s a firm relationship holder, has a male model boyfriend, as good looking as she does and they’re pretty much in love. Tonight, I saw her with my other French loser friend. Ok, maybe I was wrong to think of them as a couple. The vibe she was giving me was a bit too hard to not judge her. She looked uneasy, didn’t talk much, saw me, smiled at me and left the bar immediately.

So, I might be wrong assuming she was there with the French loser but then again, seeing them two come together and them leaving right after she saw me and gave the awkward smile was just too hard to not assume they were together.

Calmly thinking, she might’ve had a quarrel with her boyfriend who might have cheated on her. It’s true, isn’t it, how when men cheat, it seems too ok but as soon as the chicks start cheating on the guy, she gets judged. Are we siding the male species too much or are we treating them as handicaps as a lower intelligent gender. I believe in equality but we all gotta admit there are different levels of goodness and badness in both genders. I’m a male siding the females now anyways. So, it’s harmless?

Listening to: Brandy – Have you ever

Words

2011-04-19T13:02:00.001+10:00

”One word breaks the code of silence, silence tells me all the things I need to know, one word, one word tells me all the things I need to know.” – Kelly Osbourne

“Today is the last day I’m using words, they’ve gone out, lost their meaning, don’t function anymore” – Madonna

I was so intrigued with what Jersualem taught me yesterday. She gave me two words which she repeats 108 times per day and apparently, these two happen to be the words understood by the universe and it will give you back good things in return. She kept going “I know it’s stupid” but the fact is I’ve been doing rosary beads for like six years in a row now.

In Buddhism, we have 108 stringed rosary beads, with which we use to repeat some prayers in “Pali” language. There are altogether nine phrases in the routine I choose to do and my grandma recently bought me a book that has definitions for each phrase. I have yet to read that. However, I know that these phrases mean good intentions. So, for example, there’s one called “Arahan” and let’s just say it means “Good health to all”. The fact that this is repeated several times occupies your head and you have NOTHING to think of but to wish good health to all. A human’s mind is just so strong and doing rosary beads would be the only moment where we are allowed to cleanse it off by not thinking bad things for once. That’s why I don’t really believe in 100% optimism. Even mother tereesa would have greed in wishing others well. Honestly, Buddhism is just difficult to maintain and it’s more of a philosophy to get through life in a very mediocre way.

This also makes me think about how strong words are. Due to the difference in culture, we somehow have different levels of sensitivity. Myanmar people usually get defensive and Italians usually have a relaxed personality to words being spoken. However, I do think that no matter how much tolerant we are to words spoken, we DO react to it no matter if it’s true or not. So, you tell a gossip to this one dude who doesn’t believe in things. He would shrug it off and tell you he doesn’t care but at the back of his mind, he would have those words in repetition if he should choose to remember it. I’m pretty sure that even if we choose to forget or ignore comments, we still have it at the back of our heads.

The Bible has words that tells stories. A politician tells a lie to make others kill each other to fight for the so called truth. A school rumor can get a teacher fired. However, do we really say it all? Are we allowed to express ourselves to the level of others actually understanding it the way we want them to? I know of only ONE way to conquer such mess and I’ve been practicing it for a couple of years now. It’s not always successful since it’s so hard to win over my mind with my heart but I try not to give it up. It’s being open minded.

I guess only an open mind can keep us in peace without any doubts or greed of wanting to see things the way we want to by interchanging what was actually said.

Listening to: Madonna – Bedtime story

Hava Na Gila

2011-04-18T21:37:00.000+10:00

A Jewish Passover lasts 8 days actually but in Israel, it’s only seven days. Well, in Isreali Embassy, it was four hours of awesome feasting with Gin & Tonic.

Every year, Jewish peeps have this Passover to celebrate God freeing the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt led by the Prophet himself, Moses. (By the way, I used to have a friend called Moses and it creeps me out whenever I have to say his name for some reason). I was invited by my friend, X, who happens to be a Myanmar Jewish chick with an American accent, to this Passover. Not having slept the night before, I was totally not in the mood but I was tempted to go just because it was a special invite, where I had to seriously RSVP. Yep, the whole ‘security procedure’ for any events held in an embassy. I had to strip my belt and shoes and empty my pockets to get into the entrance. If only the security guard had been cuter, I would’ve stripped more for him or asked him how to strip as a precautious manual to ‘properly strippage’.

I find it quite hilarious that I went there with my German friend, GermanChick, and was seated next to X and two gay couples. I kinda got used to the awesomeness of the event as soon as I laid my eyes on both the gay couples. Both were just so hot. One Myanmar dude with his German husband and a Jewish dude with his Thai husband. Actually, I’ve always had this major crush on the Myanmar gay dude, KingB. So, it was nice when he tried to sit near me but GermanChick insisted that she was my date, and not him.

I love learning about new culture and this feast was just so cute. I love how the Jewish people relive the history by reciting parts of the Bible and suddenly breaking into a song. It got more interesting when the Ambassador started to sing “Hava Na Gila” with me after the feast. I was kinda brushing up on my Hebrew ‘hrrr’s as well.

I was kinda glad in a very teenage girl way when KingB asked me what I do. When he found out I work in the UN by day and sometimes go to studios by night for my radio show or my album, he gave me this ‘wow’ expression and I got a proper goodnight kiss from him as well. I love him and his boyfriend together but somehow any teenage girl could swoon to Justin Beiber even if he’s with Selena Gomez. *swoons*

Listening to: Sheryl Crow – Can’t cry anymore

Dream cell number

2011-04-17T17:45:00.001+10:00

UK Daily Mail stated how this dude called David Brown found Mitchell Kitson via a phone number he’s received from a dream. Five years ago, this dude had a mobile number in his head after he woke up from a dream, to which he called. It belongs to Mitchell and he messaged her and she messaged back and before you know it, he became his wife.

So, there’s a bit of an annoying analogy to this story. What if Mitchell was not supposed to be his wife but just a girl who he happened to randomly messaged on the phone? Or what if the whole ‘getting the number of your future wife in your dream’ was true? The latter sounds fancier anyways and I’m sure you, me or UK Daily Mail would rather have that side of the story mentioned.

Now, I had a dream. Dream experts say that we remember things from dreams because we wake up during the whole REM moment. So basically, this is when you wake up WHILE dreaming. So, here’s the dream.

I was sitting at a table with some dudes. Hein Wai Yan (some cheesy Myanmar actor) and Nay Toe (another Myanmar actor) were one of the people at the round table. Hein Wai Yan was HOT in my dream though and we started flirting. He gave me his number, to which I replied ‘dude, this is a dream. I’ll forget it soon. Why don’t you write it on me so I’ll remember when I wake up?’. But then, I realized how writing on me might not really help me see the number on me when I wake up so I told him I’ll memorize it. He helped me memorize it too. It was either 430 1211 or 470 1211. (cell phone) Then, Nay Toe asked me to prove that I was dreaming. So, I did and at that instant I opened my eyes wide to the bedroom I was sleeping in with the number fresh in my memory, though the whole two possible numbers thing happened an hour after I woke up, thanks to not writing it down as soon as I woke up.

I had drinks with my girlfriends and I told them about this dream and Jsquare tried both the numbers and both of them are NOT available. I guess this does not make me another a David Brown but I couldn’t stop thinking what if my Mitchell was not actually from Myanmar and it’s a number in some other country??? Stay tuned, folks.. Maybe and JUST maybe my future boyfriend might have this number..

Listening to: Hoobastank – The reason

Washed clean

2011-04-16T16:41:00.001+10:00

In some towns in Italy, it is considered normal to shove large household items out the window on New Years’ eve. In Greece, they throw a pomegrantate over a doorway to spread the seeds of good luck. In Brazil, the color of the underwear worn on NYE represents what’s to come in the new year; yellow for prosperity, pink for love and white for happiness/peace. In Myanmar, we throw water at each water to rinse off the dirt that has been lingering among us in the past year and to start a fresh clean new year.

While these facts make us think how would Italians travel safely under apartments at night or whether Brazilians can pick up more on NYE whilst asking for the color of the underwear the other is wearing, it makes me think about how peculiarly I can relate myself to these things.

First of all, dropping a heavy object off my window would require a selfish person who wouldn’t think about any bad shit that could happen to the household items or to anyone who can easily be victimized by a flying piece of furniture. Selfishness is one big thing I’ve gained this year. Overdozed on pleasing people, I find it quite relevantly useful to start doing whatever I like, not caring about how others are gonna react to what I do. Second, while the Greeks place a fruit in their doorway, I’ve placed two fruits out my doorway. It’s not that I do not appreciate two men I virtually flirted with but it’s just been eating me too much to be hung up on them. So, two fruits out my doorway, the door isn’t locked but the ball’s in their court.

As the Thingyan (Myanmar water festival) water wet my underwear, me not caring about the color on it, I spent the last day of the new year festival saga dripping wet and smiling imagining that somehow my dirty laundry has been washed clean.

Listening to: John Mayer – Split screen sadness

Men and their chase

2011-04-15T15:51:00.000+10:00

Dogs chase after their own tails as an attention seeker. It’s not that they would not the value of entertainment that comes with the response but the fact that it creates a response makes them do it most of the times. However, the chase in our lives are just so ignorant and mainly recognized only when not processed.

So, I’m screwed. It’s true that any singer would love to sing during water festival and any singers would be chasing for that big opportunity. An offer from one of the two big famous magazine editors (think Myanmar Vogue although both are not really into fashion) would be ideal for any uprising superstar who hasn’t got anywhere to perform. I, on the other hand, having a proper office work, decided to take some time off during water festival and kinda ignored his offer. So, the chase got sour and he said he will not want to have to do anything with me since no celebrities have ever said ‘no’ to him. I understand it’s kinda rude but seriously, it’s not like I’m gonna get paid and I am not really looking forward to ‘working’ during water festival. Singers are not robots; they can refuse or accept the offer. And it’s funnier how these Myanmar wants democratic element in the society when they themselves are so fused with the whole leadership syndrome. I don’t know. I love my career as a singer but seriously I can’t be fucked ball licking big shots to get attention.

Speaking of attention, one guy at the mandate caught my attention. He’s a model slash uprising actor, who has been in music videos directed by Mich. It’s one thing to not know if he swings my way or not and it’s another when he gives me so much attention and instantly click. Myanmar guys are just so gay at times no matter how much of a rug eater they actually are. Holding hands, easy touches and instant continuous deep conversations; if I were in a gay bar, a person with those three qualities would either be my ‘guy to fuck’ or a boyfriend. Given I’m not in much mood for desperately finding out his sexual preference, I just had fun appreciating this eye candy. He did have a couple of girls chasing after him anyways.

On yet another ‘chasing’ files, guess who emailed me. BooMan and wifeyD, both on the same day, have managed to populate my inbox with a ‘where are you’ and ‘you’re still on my mind’ emails. Here I am giving up on these two and just enjoying my view of this gorgeous model at the mandate and there they are, trying to initiate yet another round of chase.

Well, truth be told, I’d hate to be the chaser now and I rather be a chasee. Despite men’s best friend likes to chase to get a reaction out of men, we, men, on the other hand, like to chase when there’s no reaction at all. One little gap in the chasing communication thread, big influence it has on the chasers. Men… still a mystery!!!

Listening to: Fat Boy Slim - Demons

My best friend

2011-04-14T13:39:00.001+10:00

It’s not easy how to actually write this blog entry as I have been dragged back and forth from different friends groups again. It somehow does make me wonder what I want out of friendship: my happiness or do I have to pretend like someone I’m not to succumb to their personalities?

Today, I went and watched my best friend perform with his punk band on a stage on the first day of our Myanmar new year, Thingyan. I met up with my other best friend who’s also the best friend of the performing best friend. I ended up hanging out with secondary casual ladies friends and guilty as charged, it was way more fun than I could’ve imagined my day with my other two best friends.

It was only fair that I do not bug my best friend who was performing since he was busy on stage and he and I both have a mutual understanding about how both of us couldn’t spend time with each other and given I was at his house the night before until around 11pm, I’m sure he would find it only fair that I enjoyed my day. On the other hand, my other best friend, sadly, couldn’t stay without getting offended easy. I guess it’s his childhood growing up as a white boy in a Myanmar neighbourhood but somehow it’s just way too easy for him to become defensive at anything.

On a stage crowded with people dancing their asses off, I find it quite normal to have a hand coming at me from different angles, which I would just laugh at. Being 30 this year, I found it hard to turn my fingers into fist to throw a punch at the dude who has offended my best friend. I pushed my best friend back with all my weight and I reminded him several times that we are here to have fun, to which he answered “He hit me first”. There, I had it! I let him go and I stopped one of my girlfriends from stopping him. It’s his life and that’s his choice. I respect that.

I was bummed out actually. A dad with an amazing wife and a kid, I’d thought my best friend would come to realization that it’s better for him to not even have started this fight on a stage crowded with twenty somethings.

I kept dancing with my girlfriends and tried not to worry about my best friend. A part of me felt guilty but I couldn’t stop thinking this was the best thing I’ve done. I guess I was not there to help him and I couldn’t be able to qualify as a good punch thrower but I gave him what I could. An honest feedback. To me, it’s immature to start fights, let alone starting a fight from nothing.

Listening to: The Vines – In the jungle

Partypooper inc.

2011-04-13T13:26:00.001+10:00

Why is it such hard work to get my friends together? First of all, I do agree that Thingyan is nothing exciting but I find this as an excuse to hang out with friends. While on a joint at KP’s house, I got so pissed off thinking about how fucked up this whole day has been to actually lure CalendarLady to join us to watch KP perform on his Thingyan stage.

My best friend’s wife, CalendarLady, who’s like a big sis to me, has always been someone I look up to for her confidence. Somehow today, I found it quite weird that she was looking for all these excuses to not join us to have fun. To make things worse, we have this one dude who seemed so enthusiastic to go together to this thing the night before partypooping her not to go. The weather is hot. Not all the people have tickets. Well, fuck you very much given you were way too fucking enthusiastic the night before.

Relaxed at KP’s house, I sighed frustration about the society in Myanmar. It’s just full of anxiety and insecurities. I admit I’m one of them as well but I do make sure I do not drift in this sea of wet blankets, who can’t seem to keep themselves happy.

I don’t see any point in this and I don’t know why people want to do such things but somehow, people in Myanmar are too hooked up on what others are doing and how others are living their lives. Heavy thinkers seem to forget the simple joy of saying a huge ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for any offers they’re given.

You don’t wanna go somewhere? Don’t show enthusiasm.
You don’t want your friends to go? You’re a fucktard
You want to straighten things out for others? Don’t waste your time….

Listening to: Air – Universal Traveller

Assumptive confidence

2011-04-12T13:20:00.001+10:00

Thank God for half day of work, I had some time to take a nap before I zoomed off to Steve’s place to play water with our other friends. We were a bit late and we ended up just going over to KP’s Thingyan stage for soundcheck. Then, we went to Ginki Kid and met up with Mich and her other friends and then back to KP’s house for some drinks.

Emotional rollercoaster all the way, CalendarLady was not in the mood to mingle much with KP’s wife. As a third listener, I find it quite hard to tell who’s right or wrong and even harder that the whole thing got awkward between my best friends. CalendarLady thinks KP’s wife is finding it awkward to hang with them. She didn’t want to be KP’s groupy. Steve and I found this quite hard, given KP was our best friend and this was an assumptive hiccup between their wives.

I only have two words which would describe the whole situation: confidence and assumptions. Things were getting out of control only because feelings among ourselves are effected by assumptions made and our confidence somehow enhances these assumptions to a whole new level until we forget what’s right or wrong.

I was annoyed by everything but just more annoyed that I couldn’t figure out what’s right or wrong.

Listening to: Oasis – The hindu times

Monday madness

2011-04-11T13:13:00.000+10:00

Spotted. Nope, this ain’t the Gossip Girl but I was spotted by DoubleA, his wife and my buddy from Australia who’s in Myanmar for a while, MK, at Coffee Circle, at my first ever blind date with a Myanmar guy at Coffee Circle. It was funny but I do feel a bit embarrassed when they have to find out about my blind date without me telling them beforehand.

The date went well and he wasn’t the crème de la crème but somehow, I could use him for a few hook ups before I settle in Australia (hopefully). However, given I have lots of ingrown scars on my chest and tummy after having waxed my whole upper body, I find it a bit too hard to get into bed with a guy. Just not yet.

After the date, I got a message from GermanChick to hit 50th street. It wasn’t like a Monday at all. I messaged DoubleA to join us since they were thinking of sending MK to 50th street and given this was the last day it’s opened for until the end of Thingyan, I told them to come right away. On the other hand, my friend from ISY, who I never used to hang out with before but knew her because of her mother being my grandmother’s friend, was there as well and we had some good talk. Biker was back from his visa trip and he was talking fine with me again and he let me plug my Ipod to DJ for the rest of the night. YMT joined with the other gang and a normal Monday night ended up with us getting wet from water playing as a pre-Thingyan thing, me kissing two gorgeous cougars and one hot chick and getting drunk on 7 Jagameister shots.

Listening to: Portishead – The rip

Men on a mission

2011-04-10T13:04:00.000+10:00

I couldn’t help being happy in the morning whilst staring at my moisturized feet and I guess it was one of those times where you have to make a decision to stick to for the rest of your life. I’ve always loved beauty and I’ve always been a huge fan of hygiene. It’s only fair enough that I get to pamper myself and take care of myself as much as I can.

So, being a bit selfish this weekend, I thought it was time to catch up with DoubleA and his wife, JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO and not because I have to. After the whole KP drama with his wife and given CalendarLady finds it too comfortable to opinionate about them, I find it quite appropriate to avoid trouble by clinging onto my other friends, who simply have nothing to do with them.

I caught up with other friends as well but YMT got to Coffee Circle only around 10pm. Now, YMT used to be DoubleA’s wife’s boyfriend and I find it truly peaceful and awesome that DoubleA and his wife are friends with him. Of course it took a lot of time to reach that comfort zone but somehow I respect the three of them for at least appreciating and respecting what they all got.

YMT, on the other hand, surprises me each and every time. It seems like he and I have a bit in common. I mean, fine we might not have a LOT in common but given he’s known as this straight player man who’s filthy rich and me, being a monogamous freak who is struggling hard to be rich again, it’s only fair that a small amount of things in common we have between us is quite blogworthy.

Both of us likes Sex and the City and kinda watch it therapeutically, for different reasons. Me, to learn more about men, and him, to learn how to be a good/smart man. Then, I found out that YMT was not a spoilt rich brat. He was before admittedly but he’s one of those people who’s not afraid to learn and progress on in life to find comfort in sanity. Guessing from his conversations, YMT is more than happy to have a good life with good friends.

Welcome to my life. Growing up at a worKPlace where every nutjobs’ goal was to apple polish my grand-dad when I was five, I yearn for quality ‘good’ people and a good deserved life. YMT and I are just two different people on the same wavelength with the same mission in life.

Listening to: System Of A Down – Roulette

A day with myself

2011-04-09T23:50:00.001+10:00

Waking up at Steve’s place after reading a message about how KP was asking me to keep their stuffs for them to pick up later and knowing they were supposed to be sleeping at 6am in the morning, I was shocked after I found out, four hours later, that KP and his wife had a row at Steve’s place around 3am and both had left. I guess this is something we can’t do anything about.

Talking to Steve’s wife, CalendarLady, was educational. CalendarLady is like a big sister to me and she’s always been so confident in her own little world and quite happy with what she’s got. Not a fan of drama, she manages to lead a good life with a caring husband and an adorable son. Not a crowd pleaser but often called upon for advices, she was the Dalia Lama of our friends society.

She took me to Phoenix where we both had facial and pedicure. I even ended up waxing my whole upper body. Painful and semi bruised, I was more than happy that I got to pamper myself today and somehow managed to do what I want to to myself.

Fuck dinnering with a friend who came back from Bangkok; fuck trying to find out if KP was ok; fuck thinking about where to go drink for a Saturday night; fuck trying to give a demo CD to a friend of mine in time. As much as they do seem important to me, I deserve a day to myself. I came home early ignoring every phone calls and put on episodes of Sex and the City while I rubbed my smooth chest and smiled to myself about having done what I have most deserved. Happiness.

Listening to: Silverchair – World upon your shoulders

The UN kid

2011-04-08T23:44:00.001+10:00

I thought it was funny how I got a job in UN, but it was no surprise for Steve. It’s funny but when my close friend, Steve, utters several phrases from his mouth, it’s quite hard to ignore them since he’s not the type who likes to open his mouth unless it’s extremely needed. So, whatever he says has to be true on a 80:20 ratio for possibly true is to assumption.

According to Steve and KP, I found out that I was the social head in our friendship circle. Three of us agreed that we were all survivors of a bad past and pretty messed up childhood. Steve had to struggle his life in a discriminating neighbourhood of a different color and race. KP survived through his childhood with every lessons learnt through either a fist or a quarrel. I, on the other hand, grew up around diplomacy and superficiality.

Steve and I mentioned about how we’re all too influenced by such things from the past to the point that no matter how much we’re aware of its influence as we grow up, our reactions rely on that influence way before we allow ourselves to let it take over our decisions. Like it or not, knowing superficiality isn’t that cool, I somehow would subconsciously strike the most superficial maneuver without me knowing I did it, only to find out that I’ve done it once I was aware of avoiding to do it.

Life is an uphill climb and as Steve, KP and I keep climbing, we noticed life would always be a huge struggle and it’s rather wise to keep learning as we go while being aware of the pain life can bring. Like how waxing does not hurt a person after several visits, we think it’s right to move on with a built in knowledge that life is in fact gonna throw us more bad shit our way. All because we all can’t help who we’ve become but we can give time to solve it out in the end somehow.

So, yeah.. I finally came to terms about the obviousness of working for the UN. I, in fact, am the most diplomatic and social person of the three of us. Like it or not, my superpower is diplomacy and my weakness is the ground I stand on. Yet somehow, those two balance my everyday life to be who I am, which is pretty much loved by most at this point and that I have no issues with. I’m happy just the way I am.

Listening to: Pat Boone – April Love

Bottom = handicapped straight men?

2011-04-07T12:54:00.001+10:00

I don’t know how this started but as I was talking with my gay colleague about the fact that I’m a bottom and everyone (yes, I’m not exaggerating) I’ve dated end up thinking I’m a top. Not to be modest, even gay friends have always thought I’m a top. So, I got this top face. For those of you who don’t know what I’m blogging about, if sex was work, a top would be the employer and the bottom would be the employee but instead of employ, they fuck.

So, I did this experiment where I asked my mysterious gtalk gay friends, who miraculously appear out of nowhere, if I look like a top or a bottom. Most of them ended up saying versatile. (That’s when you have an employee who’s allowed to employ others as well) However, the term that followed next intrigues me. You look like a man.

Am I missing something out or isn’t the word ‘gay’ related with men anymore? This is not about Myanmar or slow developing lifestyles in third world countries since I’ve been told this when I was in Sydney by a none Asian, let alone none Myanmar person. Can’t gay men be guys? I do love my Adam’s apple and my armpit hair while I could shop for the pointiest black shiny shoes while grabbing the latest “Eau De Parfum” from Christian Dior.

Speaking of bottom, I just watched some episodes of “Sex and the City” where Charlotte was married to this guy who couldn’t get it up. He could wank but it goes soft before he penetrates his wife. Sounds familiar? That’s me. I used to think it’s the condom that keeps me unfocused about my stiff level but I remember dry humping or performing frottage to some guys and flopping halfway through.

They say good sex derives from the right mindset. My friends call me the “Samantha” of Myanmar, a ho, a slut, a trashwhore and a player. But, do they really know this Samantha finds it real hard to get himself hard in order to top a guy. And this gives me an idea if I am gay because I can’t get stiff for an opening.

God did create men but can’t he be consistent about the level of stiffness for all of us? I knew God had always been on weed while creating us. You don’t believe me? Have sex with me and you’ll know!

Listening to: Bruno Mars – Count on me

Gay bait

2011-04-06T16:26:00.001+10:00

What I’ve noticed from gay men in Myanmar is how they haven’t come to terms with the word ‘gay’. Not only are they afraid to let people know they’re gay but they’re also afraid to not let go of any men to add on facebook, who they think attract them.

I don’t mean to brag but I got some guys adding me on facebook and at an instance, I could tell whether they eat rug or suck sausage. How? Mutual friends. My limit is three; three gay men in our mutual friends list and I’m convinced they’re gay.

So, this is the second time I’ve been asked if I have a girlfriend. Ok, first of all, why ask a silly question? I’m not the one to put straight statuses on facebook, not to mention my two cents in the left corner of ‘info’ has the word ‘glitter’ on it. I have pics of me kissing girls but they’re usually followed by astonishments or just horrid comments about how I’ve converted to kissing fish tacos owners. Second, why hide? So, the convo goes nowhere. You got a man who’s accepted your add and carefully patiently answering whatever bullshit that you’re throwing and the last thing you would wanna do is gay bait.

Gay bait – an act of trying to come up with a few topics in a conversation to check whether the other guy is straight or gay. Me knowing this, I love to cocktease them more. So, I answer accordingly and pay no extra details in answering. “Have you got a girlfriend?” “No” “Why not?” “cos I’m single” You see, the main attraction of a guy for me is courage. If they’re gonna be pussies about finding out if I like muffs or bite pillows, they’ll have to try harder than this.. way harder.

Listening to: System Of A Down – Lonely day

P.I.M.P.

2011-04-05T14:09:00.000+10:00

I’m not sure what it is with some gay men but somehow they love to go for those who are impossible to get. It’s not another promiscuous gay man but rather, it’s straight men. What is it about straight men that attracts most of us, gay men.

I’ve always been strict with the word ‘straight’. I have this inborn feeling of not wanting to get involved with anyone who’s involved with female genitals. It has nothing to do with me not appreciating women but it’s more like a brotherly relationship I would build up with straight men in general, whenever I find out they ain’t gay no matter how attractive they are. So, whenever they turn gay, it takes a bit of time to get used to before I start feeling like I’m doing my own brother.

Owen and I have been talking online for months and for some reason, he has started to be pretty much transparent about his feelings for SuitMan , one of my friends who hasn’t been in my blog entries for quite some time. SuitMan is obviously straight but somehow Owen wants to have a one timer with him. Call it infatuation but this guy just never gives up. So, this made me the pimp and given it’s just to pass a message between a hungry gay man and a suit wearing straight man, I was more than happy to call SuitMan that one gay friend wants to do something with him and gave him Owen ’s email.

The tricky thing is the fact that Owen DOES know SuitMan in real life but I’m not sure if SuitMan knows it’s him or not, given his alter-ego’s email address. When I told SuitMan about this, he ended up saying “I rather I only have you instead of a new friend”. Yes, SuitMan ’s a cocktease and it’s worse that there is a rumor of him getting a blow job from a make up artist during his modeling days (yes, SuitMan used to be a model).

I’m not really sure what would happen of this story between Owen and SuitMan but Owen started calling me twice after work hour and I hate to admit it but the conversation was good. I‘m not sure if this pimp did a good job but let alone blow job, Owen knows how to use his mouth well, on the phone for now.

Listening to: Fiona Apple – Love ridden

Happily single in denial

2011-04-04T12:28:00.000+10:00

As much as I hate to admit this is true, wifeyD was a rebound. He was a rebound that could’ve evolved into a healthy long lasting boyfriend. After I lost him both physically and facebookwise, at first, I found it hard to accept my loss. However after a few days of thinking hard, losing him was not as unbearable as I thought it would be. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was shortlived, who knows?

I’m not really sure if it’s my pride talking or my heart talking if I should announce that I’ve accepted being single. I finally met Gsupreme today and he wasn’t as good looking as I thought he would be. Not to mention the fact that there was no signs of flirtatious vibe in our conversation, I bid him farewell after a 17 dollars dinner at my favorite diner. “See you again”, which was in deed synonymous to “I’m sorry. I am not interested”. Somehow, my guilt made me type ‘kisses’ at the end of my message.

Is it too bad to be single? Does accepting myself as a single gay man in his fresh thirties seem a bit abnormal to feel too happy about? Something inside of me is at least yelling out a true happiness which hasn’t been actually visible for quite sometime already. I’m young, capable, single and might I add, happy.

Listening to: Christina Aguilera - Hurt

Possibly shroomed

2011-04-03T15:44:00.000+10:00

Ever seen the movie “Shroom”? I actually haven’t but after seeing the preview, I thought it would be a horribly freaky movie. I mean, there’s one thing to have superstitions fused with fiction but when you have a movie of “Trainspotting” meets “Blair Witch” genre, it’s not really healthy to think of feeling better after the movie.

I do not know the content or any biological ingredient behind a mushroom but given it’s a plant that can be dried up to look like the contents of a weed joint, I find it quite curiously interesting how the weed I had today could have some shroomness in it. It was the conversation I was having with a friend anyways. From humanity to our past and predictably ending with the whole religion vs. science talk, the conversation reached the point where it’s higher than science.

Physically, everything surrounding me becomes louder and I started to have a more alert system for my sense buds. Every little thing started scaring me and everything that causes me to give attention becomes pessimistically scary.

I thought I heard a quarrel between a couple, which later got loud til the point I felt like they were quarreling beside me. Then, all of a sudden, there was silence and I felt like I was kept there to do something. After a few minutes of ‘what should I do’, I started imagining the husband killing the wife and banging the gates of my friend’s. And it doesn’t stop there. I started to imagine him climbing over the fence and suddenly transforming into this creature with longer non-proportionate longer limbs. As I hurried up to follow my friend into his house (he was getting ready to send me back to the taxi stand), he turned on his car alarm and the car beeped beside me and my heart stopped.

Unable to make myself go on the taxi, I begged my friend to send me back right straight to my house. Both he and his wife admitted to being paranoid and extra sensitive to the surroundings and I was glad it wasn’t me who’s being a retard but the joint being so strong. It was a bad kinda strong. Is it true what they say about ‘hallucinations’ or is this another way to see or feel something that’s beyond our limits. Out of reach and possibly infinite, the list of mysteries’ unexplained knowledge keeps filling up a huge gap in my pit of curiosity.

Listening to: The Beach Boys – I get around

Theories unwanted

2011-04-02T17:09:00.001+11:00

Whilst holding onto someone special in our lives, we tend to ask ourselves why this seems too easy in the beginning and as the moment arises to the point where you’re finally meet that someone, you just end up kissing some other guy.

When my ‘friend’ messaged me the night before at 2am telling me she needs to talk to me, I was at first quite worried. It was mainly because she is a strong person who’s capable of being drama free. So, her being worried about something made me worried for a few seconds.

After a picnic at Maltesers’ place with BigSis, CuteDork and some other Frenchies and a friend’s birthday, I finally rushed to 50th street to meet up with this friend of mine who messaged me at 2am the night before. I was kinda surprised when her issue seems kinda small but I guess we could never really predict the level of tolerance of people. My friend, being a strong person, found it difficult to accept her making out with a guy three days before the arrival of the man in her life (with no exclusivity promised) after seven weeks of staying quite monogamous.

A human’s mind is tricky and it’s useless to have a theoretical explanation for any actions we tend to do. And it’s because of all these questions for explanations that we tend to fuck up a lot in life. With queries in our heads, we tend to think more than what’s actually there. I guess this also made me realize how I’ve totally thought too much of what I had with my online relationships I had before. Seriously, the dude she pashed is this wannabe I know who my other close friend has dated before. So, I told her not to really care about this and better not tell the man in her life about this. With no exclusivity negotiated, it’s only fair enough that she played tonsil hockey with a wannabe as a one time thing. Not worth worrying about. The conversation ended with me talking about aliens and religions, to which I found it surprising that she was interested in. Nice!

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson – If no one will listen

A new beginning

2011-04-01T17:04:00.000+11:00

It’s been so long since I learnt more about what’s been happening around me. I was backstage at KP’s concert, half happy I was there for him and half just amused at how the audience react to a performer at a punk concert. I looked at them and it made me think about those times I was on stage singing my ass off.

Nearing my 30’s and April being a new year in Myanmar tradition, I found it quite normal and quite convenient to start a new year acting my age. Being in love online seems fun but it’s not really for me since I know I’m capable of finding anyone in real life. I don’t mean to be an arrogant bastard but knowing I’m fit to have an appreciation from men of any types, I have finally agreed to the notion that I deserve to look at what is around me as opposed to what drifts online and out of reality.

As I watched my friend, KP, perform his hearts out on the stage, I couldn’t help myself smiling at the fact that I’m making good use of the moment and the environment I was in. Isn’t it about time I ACTUALLY appreciate what’s around me? I’m gonna be 30 in 4 months and I think it’s time I shred my skin to a thicker, though scarred, and hopeful, though careful, skin! Behold the new year.

Listening to: The Chemical Brothers - Elektrobank

Same waves, different beach

2011-03-29T14:15:00.000+11:00

The words that we all fear when we’re in the middle of something without an ending nor a string to hold the pieces of plots together would be words of uncertainty. In addition to this chaos, it doesn’t really help that it’s an uncertainty between two ‘once close friends’ homosexuals who haven’t met but been honest about their love for each other one week ago.

wifeyD uttered some lines today on chat about how he was thinking about what I said last week, followed by how he hate some people very much. OK, here’s the scenario. You’ve mentioned the word ‘love’ to your close online friend and the next thing you know, both of you are following the same pattern that you and your online ex boyfriend had had. It’s only been a week since wifeyD got over his ex so it was only fair enough that I thought that he was implying his ex when he said he hate some people so much, especially when it was linked to what I said the earlier week.

Not really ready for an early rejection or a slap awake to reality, I’ve become unconsciously aware of reality without having to keep myself awake. Why was I in love with this man? I haven’t met him. Yes, there are no rules to having met someone before you actually utter the three words. Somehow, a side of me grew a bit precious that moment as I realized I’m going to be whirlwinding down the same passage I’ve taken with my ex boyfriend of nine months, who I never met.

Do I have a problem? I have so much boys to date around me but why do I fall for those I can’t see or touch? Was I scared of men so much that I rather not see the person I’m with? Am I testing the water to which man would be patient enough to hold on for me before he actually touches my genital?

As I closed my eyes at work to have a sudden realization of fear that I would be riding the same unstable wave into yet another crashdown to the hard sand of an online relationship break-up, I finally had an admission to myself that I am in fact abnormal and I have issues. I don’t know what it is or what it was but I just know that I do not really live life normally.

Listening to: Muse - Escape

Reading men

2011-03-28T22:09:00.000+11:00

It’s tough being a gay man, especially when there are two alternatives to reading ever men’s action. A simple pat on the back and a gentle gesticulation of choosing to sit at the backseat of a car, when he could’ve just chosen to sit in the front seat while you sit at the back, can both send out two mixed signals about this man either being a better friend at a good comfort level or being interested in you without actually having to come out.

Since getting dry humped naked by a bar manager two weeks ago, I have been pretty open minded with the gender preference of other men. I’ve stopped using the word ‘gay’ to identify myself or any others who would like to sleep with me, despite owning a penis themselves.

My favorite music video director, the ONLY professional video director I’ve used in my album and the director who happens to like two songs off my album to actually want to be the one to be directing it, directed me, KP and KC today at this dusty warehouse with this pretty hot model. The first contact I had with Director was when he touched my hips, which happened to be in shape of a deflated muffin top of a blow up doll in tight jeans, and mentioned I gained weight. Couldn’t blame him but I was covered with booze the week before.

As the day continued, we ended up at KP’s garden, smoking weed and just chilling with the whole team crew. I was pretty high from the joint but I was too positively sure Director kept staring at me when he addressed something. Maybe it was because I seem to be the only quiet stoner of the group to be able to be grasping every word he said. On second thought, that couldn’t be it, given KC was half as quiet as I was.

Sending KC back home, Director sat in the frontseat while I enjoyed my ride back stoned on the car while the air was blowing my dusty hair from the car window. After dropping KC home, Director chose to sit at the backseat with me. As he leaned a bit towards me in the backseat, I reminded myself that it was how this long limbed cutie would arch himself comfortably as his default sitting position. Knowing I could end up swerving my perceptions to a weird level, I changed the subject of whatever we were talking about to talk about his ‘partner’, who was oversea. He came back here to do the thing he’s passionate about while his partner stayed back.

Call it luck but we reached his house before I got too deep into imagining he was coming onto me and since I do not want to sound like my neurotically ‘creative when it comes to imaginary boyfriend’ Mary, I was able to hold myself back to being convinced that he was a straight man who likes vagina and only that of his lover oversea. However, second thoughts seem to be more efficient in cases like these most of the time and before you know it, it hits yet another entry on my blog.

Listening to: Status Quo – Fun fun fun (Feat. Beach Boys)

One day at a time

2011-03-22T17:43:00.001+11:00

Love can do anything to us people I guess. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I think my dad dying young, leaving me on my own with my grandparents, mom and sis, makes me want to be a good dad to my kids in the future. I’ve always wanted to have kids on my own but today I had second thoughts.

Call me a sucker but I got to talk with wifeyD today and we finally have come to a conclusion where we’re both pretty much in love with each other, but this time, both of us admitted. While I took time trying to question myself if I really loved him or not, he took his time getting over his ex. Today just happens to be the day where we both settled with the notion that we both are on the same wavelength, until one of us brought up a topic about children, out of context.

wifeyD does NOT want kids but I do. Although we both concluded our chat with the whole ‘live our present’ decision, I couldn’t help but ended up thinking about our future all night. I know it’s not like I’m gonna get married with someone I just admitted that I love him but it’s not wrong to think of the future. Given I spent one year holding onto wifeyD’s friendship and finally taking a higher step, it’s too possible for us to end up together, that is after either I move to where he is or he moves to where I will be then.

After a lot of thinking, I finally realized how it’s uneasy to have kids after all. I know it’s a fight but at the same time, it’s not easy to FINALLY have one, let alone two. The kid will be born with two fathers, without a maternal support, and he will be in one of those minorities’ groups in school. The kid would also be seen as beyond normal or abnormal. I know these are all worth fighting for but the huge question lies here: “Am I really ready for a kid in the near future?”. The answer is no.

For the time being, I think I would hold onto something that is promising. If I choose wifeyD, I know I’ll get good things out of it. If I choose a kid with a different gay man, I wouldn’t be sure if the gay man would be as good as wifeyD or whether having a kid would actually be a good idea for me.

Am I a good father? Nobody knows!!!!

Listening to: A-Ha – Take on me

CougarTown

2011-03-12T21:15:00.000+11:00

I met the Cougar I met last night again at Sedona today.

I love being spontaneous and while being on facebook after coming back home at 10am in the morning from the night before, GermanChickr messaged me to go out tonight to Sedona. Almost a year ago, GermanChickr and I went to Sedona and both of us got so smashed. I taught her how to tie cherry stems with her tongue and we both taught the bartender there as well. We were surprised he got it at first try.

This time around, we did see that cute bartender and GermanChickr was way way faster than me in tying cherry stem knots with her tongue. Cougar was there with her and she’s just lovely. GermanChickr told me that Cougar just recently broke up with her ex. There was this one hot guy who looks like John Cena hitting on Cougar and GermanChickr asked me to go save her from sleeping with him. So, I did and John Cena look alike must really hate me now. There I was, with a woman ten years+ older than me in the middle of the dancefloor with people staring at us. The funny thing was how the prostitutes were staring at us as well.

Given they don’t wanna be judged, I find it quite hypocrite of them to eye me and Cougar. I used the attention and danced more with Cougar. So, I ended up being the boytoy in a lot of the viewers’ point but deep in my heart, I know that I just saved my dear friend from sleeping with another man who would just break her to pieces and I’m glad I did that.

Listening to: Morcheeba – Be yourself

The gay missionary

2011-03-11T20:56:00.000+11:00

Tonight highlights PukeBag’s farewell party and I hate to actually have that notion in my brain given I really love her and I don’t wanna see her leave. So, I went to 50 street to catch up with her and a lot of others. Well, that’s part of the blog entry but here comes the real deal.

I’ve heard of straight guys having sex with other men out of curiosity. Some because of alcohol. Some as a beginning of coming out of the closet. I don’t know what Biker’s point was but I never saw myself in bed with a straight guy even though both of us weren’t even that drunk.

I was one of the few that was left at 50 street at around 4:30 am in the morning. Biker, the dude I’ve always talked to and the dude I found cool, was there as well, along with a Scottish guy and a cougar that I once blogged about, who turned out to be an awesome Italian woman. It was a nice chat and Biker mentioned about how he was getting bored of fucking girls and that he was thinking of trying fucking guys. Then, I argued that wouldn’t make any difference given it’s just yet another hole of another gender he’d be involved with.

When everyone left, Biker, the Scottish and I went to Biker’s house to smoke some joint. His shit was pretty strong and after six puffs, I was falling asleep on his couch. Biker asked both of us to sleep on his bed but only I agreed. There was nothing sexual there.

Minutes later after Biker and I were on his big bed, he started groping me, which I found pretty weird. Then, before you know it, we were like two teenage boys trying m2m sex for the first time. Now, as I have mentioned above, if he just wanted a piece of ass, he would just penetrate and get it over with. However, he fondled, gave head, kissed me and jerked me off and might I add, he likes being spooned.

Have I turned a straight man into a bi or am I one of those guys who just found out Biker is indeed a bottom bi.

Listening to: Bruno Mars – Who is

The grudge

2011-03-10T20:31:00.000+11:00

Someone intelligent would try to start a topic to someone she/he is talking to and if she finds out that both of them are not on the same wavelength, given he/she’s intelligent, he/she would change topics. However, this was not something Translator would do despite being smart.

So, we have a new boss at work and it was a title that Translator would have gotten if only she didn’t leave for another job. The new boss, Hawaiian, wanted to make some changes in one of the projects that we were doing when Translator was around. The more stupid thing was how she was not even part of the lead for that project and she’s been sending emails back and forth, indicating how wrong this is.

A trip to the canteen for a piece of cake was just wrong since I was forced by Translator to listen to her story. She, knowing I am not really seeing things from her side, should have just shut up but she just went on. I’ve mentioned once how I was not a fan of Hawaiian but to be honest, he does have his good points and I cannot stand siding someone just cos I have to. So, I listened to Translator being extremely immature and childish at an age of 40, with a husband and three kids, wondering how the fuck her kids would grow up with a mother this one sided, angry, jealous and practically immaturely biased. God bless her family.

Listening to: Bjork – Show me forgiveness

The catch

2011-03-09T20:03:00.002+11:00

Steve kept going on and on about how awesome these two kids are. Both 15 and both having talent, he’s been trying to invite me and KP over to his house to come listen to what these kids have.

I knew there was a catch somewhere to be honest. I mean, why would Steve, all of a sudden, be so intrigued in music or making someone big. The worst thing is how I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything about it. Yes, Steve is one of my very close friends and I would do anything for him but only up to what I can. Let alone helping these kids out in the industry, I have just started my struggle to the way up in this industry.

So after a beer bottle or two at Steve’s place, he finally revealed ‘the catch’. One of the kids’ dad was this good businessman he could do business with. Well, I told him if I had known earlier, I could’ve put one of those kids to rap in my album but I’m glad that KP’s gonna help mix their songs.

Post break up

2011-03-08T15:54:00.001+11:00

The morning started with my grandparents announcing they are planning to release a book of poems written by both of them. I shared this with wifeyD, to which we both showed the ‘singleton’ syndrome to. I mean, come on, my grandma was married to my grand-dad since she was like 17 and to say something like this to their single gay grandson, who believes in love, was just too much to take for a Tuesday morning.

Being FINALLY single was not really harsh I guess. I got three messages today from JapanMr, SP and a stranger. JapanMr and I met on a gay chat line like yonks ago and we added each other on facebook and of course, we tried to keep in touch as much as we can. Call it co-incidence but lately he’s been on a flirt spree with me and it’d be good to meet up with him soon. SP and I met through gaydar yonks ago and we never got to meet but somehow he’s added me on Facebook and we’ve been in touch ever since. I didn’t know he was this serious about coming to Burma to pay me a visit but somehow his message about meeting up seems too serious to be taken as a joke. Now, the final mr, Stranger, was some dude who messaged me on Facebook and I checked him out and he was this muscled hot guy with white ‘unbalding’ hair. A bit of that Anderson dude from CNN, he was UBER HOT, but he’s got a boyfriend. Now, they say ‘enjoy the moment’ and I certainly did when I read what his message said “You got pretty cute pics in your profile”. Thanks Stranger.

On the other hand, BigFace finally opened up that I have a voice like his ex boyfriend, who’s in Malaysia, and I joked that I could be his substitute, to which I wasn’t serious to be honest. JohnnyBoi, on the other hand, messaged me saying he wants to meet up with me and do stuffs. I joked about us both being bottoms, to which he said “It’s ok, my boyfriend is just so far away and I want to touch you”.

Ok, STOP! Maybe, it was a good Tuesday to have this much attention from good men all over all at once, but I do NOT do other people’s boyfriend, I do NOT do substitute boyfriend and lastly, I don’t think I’m ready for anything serious. However, it was good for an ego boost as I walked back to my ‘workout’ dungeon to sharpen my muscles once again to look better.

Post-break up. Here I come!!

Listening to: David Archuleta – My kind of perfect

Website under pressure

2011-03-07T15:10:00.001+11:00

Who could’ve thought I work well under pressure? We had a meeting today, a weekly one and it’s true I’ve been asked to do a website since I first got this job but it was always interrupted. Googlegroup not allowing uploads, IP addresses not accessible, unfixable codes and most recently, I’ve been pulled away by SitarBro a lot to do other stuffs. So, it was kinda uncool when he showed his disappointment in front of everyone at the meeting about how this wasn’t done. Hello, sir, you kept pulling me to do different things. A web developer normally locks himself up in a basement and he doesn’t have to actually call people to form social networks with any chair from other agencies. However, I was begged to differ.

Upset, I went to my cubicle and started working on the website as much as I could and surprisingly I cracked all the hard codes to get the whole mechanism running. A little bit of completing the website and beautifying the structure is left.

To be honest, trusting SitarBro to be a good boss, I chose to change myself. Maybe, I have to say no more. Maybe I have to use time management more cleverly. So, I guess in the end, it’s me who’ll have to learn from this. He’s a decent man to be honest, so no hard feelings. He always makes me smile after every meeting anyways. There are three things that he always say in meetings:- “Headless chicken”, “nitty gritty” and “milking a cow”. Of course, they’re used as metaphors unless it’s a meeting with the agriculture agency. So, everytime I have a meeting with SitarBro, I would make a bet with myself that he would say one of the followings.

Damn, I was right and that made me smile. He said “headless chicken”.

Listening to: Cathy Dennis – Too many walls

Superheroes and their underwears

2011-03-04T18:04:00.001+11:00

Life is so mysterious and it's only fair that you have a corner in your mindset for a lot of things that contradict with your view upon several things. Despite the saying 'what makes us different makes us beautiful', like any other obstacles in life, it comes with a downer. What makes us different can somewhat group us into a minority level and somehow we do get lonely, misguided and pretty much uncertain by the reaction.

As a kid, I've always found amazement in wearing a superhero mask and pretty much wearing a short shorts on my long pajama pants. I would imagine I could save the world with my superpower. Little do I know about the lack of appreciation and the ignorant approach society could have on them, superheroes.

Yes, it's true.. any newspapers could love to publish a column about a flying man in blue tights with a red tight underwear on top. People love to be the first to see this 'thing' or just to be able to talk to this individual.

However, superheroes are encountered with the lack of acceptance from the norm.
(1) People find it quite hard to contribute towards a conversation with these superheroes.
(2) People get intimidated by the way they can't do the things superheroes do, so they hardly question itnor accept it.
(3) People find it hard to relate to the ability.
(4) People feels safe to be ignorant of the superpowers.
(5) People can't adjust these into their norm.

At the end of day, after a superhero saves a life, he ends up crouched on his sofa watching sitcoms with Oreo, hoping to get rid of the loneliness they feel inside in order to meet that someone who would have the same superpowers as he does.

Little do we all know that we all share some sort of superpowers among us but some of us feel a bit too out of the norm to bring it to a sanity level.

It's mardi gras time in Sydney, Australia this weekend. Now, I want you guys to read the above and instead of 'superheroes', put in the word 'human beings'.
Instead of 'superpower', put in the word 'monogamy'

How do you feel????
We all know it exists and we all crave for it but are we, as good people, too scared to wear our underwears on top of our blue lycra?

Happy Mardi Gras, people!
and just believe in yourself that 'monogamy' is sought often but it's right there in your heart.
Stay true to your loved ones
and just know that life is not worth regretting
life is worth living with the one you love!!

Listening to: Norah Jones - More than this (feat. Charlie Hunter)

Loved for my negativity

2011-03-03T18:51:00.000+11:00

The run down is always tough, especially when you don’t really notice that it’s happening but instead you just think you’re way in the normal condition and it’s just what’s around you that is affecting your emotions.

wifeyD went through two emails of me telling him what he ought to know about things between us. I apologized for that today, knowing I was too honest with him. You see, people always blame things on alcohol, pms or other similar things that they could, which can be relied on when it comes to mood swings. I did blame it on the aftereffect of what I took. However, I also believe that what we do or say do not really depend on what we take, but it’s totally dependent on our true self.

I told wifeyD that everything I’ve said was the truth but knowing I had chemicals in my system, I wasn’t able to think it through or decide which words are right for what time. So, yeah, I did feel guilty for the things I’ve done to wifeyD .

Surprisingly, I got an email back with three things that made me smile. Care, worry and the word “love”. I guess I’ve been totally assuming things so wrong about me and wifeyD after all. I guess after being there for someone for a couple of times when they’re in need and not really appreciated, I think it’s kinda cool to be accepted for the negative side of me while they’re there for me. It’s just the moment for the time being….. the moment will come and when it does, it can be the start of something big and really good.. for a change.

Listening to: Justin Timberlake – Sexyback (pokerface Remix)

Stoned classy

2011-03-02T16:28:00.001+11:00

Four chems pills, 37 hours with no sleep including 8 hours of work, 3 weed joints and a bottle of wine later, I was ready to just sink my head into my pillow.

Spesh Meds, or drugs in general, are so underrated. I do believe that there are a lot of people who are so hooked on drugs and how their reactions kinda affect the surroundings. In my opinion, it ain’t the drugs fault. It’s actually the user’s. Ranging from psychopaths to business tycoons, it’s quite obvious that they have different ways of getting drugfucked, drugnormed or drugfreed. Drugfucked is quite self explanatory. Drugnormed are those who just acts like undrugfucked people do. Drugfreed are those who has no whatsoever reactions. Which category am I in? I’d choose the norm.

I can get high for quite a while but nothing really makes me wanna do it again unless I want to do it again over a long period pause. Classy druggers, as I would name them, are those who are not addicted to any spesh meds and kinda does it for social reasons.

So, if you ask me, I feel normal and I don’t feel like I have to do this again. I’m feeling really tired now though. This blog should totally pay me for flooding their bandwidth spaces with my entries despite the fact that I’m totally stoned and sleepy. Peace!

Listening to: Bjork – Headphones

The me in him

2011-02-28T15:35:00.001+11:00

There’s a reason why I have the ‘karma’ tattoo on my right arm. It is special cos both LB and I have it on our body to r16epresent our brotherhood but it’s also special cos it symbolizes my life.

I’ve always wondered how men can find themselves turned on by casual sex. Is it something normal to do? Don’t they get attached in one way or another? As me in my late 20’s would be seeing guys off gay chatrooms online, it always made me wonder why guys never stayed longer in my house. They would come around again but only to get into yet another sexual episode starring me and them, well individually of course.

I called BigFace today to have coffee with after dinner at my boss’s place. BigFace is this mysterious gay boy who has a killer voice on the phone which kinda turns me on, who added me on gtalk randomly. I guess it was just his laziness for not wanting to get off his house. On the other hand, Gsupreme’s reaction reminded me of myself. Gsupreme, on the other hand, was a gtalk adder as well, but he has added me quite long ago and wanted to have sex with me, to which I have said no cos I wasn’t single but for some reason, he and I had been kissing hard on phone messages. Quite aware of the rejection of a possible relationship with those I would be bedding with, I would think twice before I meet someone. Sometimes I would test their patience. It would turn into this unintentional game.

Gsupreme did not meet up with me today because he said he was afraid. I was angry at first. All I ever wanted was a coffee partner to spend time with but then again, I thought it was only best for him not to come out. What if he wanted to aim for something more? What if he was afraid to see me cos he knows I would just use him for sex? What if he doesn’t want to waste time.

Being single with no expectations of exclusivity in a country where I wouldn’t stay long can be quite lonely. Sometimes, you just want a companion to share cuddles with. Deep inside I know I’m not a bad guy. I would be serious to think of a possible consistent dating if only I could be sure of the fact that I’d be staying long in Myanmar. But, I guess it’s easier said than done when I know I’m confusing a boy who I used to be before.

I gave Gsupreme a brief answer, which kinda gave him an impression that I was pissed off and I kinda plan not to message him again. I wasn’t pissed off to be honest but I guess I just want to play a game with him. But then again, another side of me knows Gsupreme is not really in the wrong to feel this way.

In a world full of hungry gay men with different expectations for everytime they have sex with someone, I would’ve done the same thing Gsupreme had done. Cautious and careful with a stranger and also with myself. If only he knew I’m applauding him from the inside, he could at least assume this player has a heart after all.

Listening to: REM – The great beyond

The halt before a shove

2011-02-27T20:39:00.000+11:00

The feeling you get from an approval from someone you like being around with, be it marriage proposal, first day to announce exclusivity or an agreement to a poly amorous relationship, has a tendency to make us fall hard. This is where anyone of any gender would stop using their brains. Once the realization seeps into our thick heads with positive expectations, whatever inner voice, which is holding you back to take things slow or creating second thoughts, just turns mute. Some of us like to wear safety jackets and some of us like to stop ourselves from getting hurt. It all has to do with our perceptions on how things would be in the future with the person you do not think is compatible for you. Unfortunately, no one knows what the future could be but the ‘halt’ itself is a brake one would use, given the inner voice would turn mute if he/she proceeds on.

I was surprised to get a phone message from BK today. BK and I have been friends since the day he joined my music page on facebook. I just thought he was kinda cute and hip and I’ve added him to my list. We tried to meet up once when I was kinda frisky while I was with BooMan but it never worked since I didn’t want to cheat on BooMan. I told BK quite blatantly that I knew if he was to come and sleep over at my place, we would end up having sex and that I have a boyfriend (back then). He was fine with it and kinda glad I was honest with him.

Random much but BK messaged me some months ago while I was at a huge break up stage with BooMan. He mentioned he missed me and that he didn’t know why but he felt like he wanted to know me better and after four phone messages of appreciation, he chucked out the L word. I found that quite sweet actually and I was in a bit of an attention seeking stage after a break up anyways.

Not long ago, BK and I talked again and we were trying to meet up. I’ve never played games with him sadly and I mentioned how I do not really stay here in Burma and that I have plans to leave and that it would be better for him to not see me as his potential someone who would share kitchen utensils with him and go furniture shopping together. He liked my honesty once again and we’ve been trying to meet up ever since. I’ve been trying to get hold of him mainly cos I’ve been pretty much in need of sexual attention and this was the message I got this morning.

Damn it, I deleted it but the message was an apology for not hanging out with me last night after he got a message from me asking him to hang out with me. (I swear it was just a hang out message). He mentioned he couldn’t really get out but then he apologized and said ‘this is not the time for us. I’m really sorry’. Now, which part of my message screamed ‘dating’? It was a ‘hang out’ message.

Been there, done that and if I am not wrong, BK has totally seen me as his potential boyfriend and he knows that he would’ve been hurt if he was to try me out. So, he stopped himself from trying to get to know me and hurting himself from the ugly truth that I wouldn’t be holding onto him as a boyfriend or a committed partner.

Or, the other alternate scenario could be BK having found someone he really likes and he doesn’t want to put me in the picture.

Either ways, BK’s out of my game list. I have been honest with him in the past and it’d be too difficult for me to be experimenting him anyways. As for future proposal of a get together, sorry readers, I don’t do men with uncertainties.

Listening to: Morcheeba - Living hell

Men, datable or not

2011-02-26T19:58:00.001+11:00

Unsettled, single and busy at its best, I find myself caught in the web of ‘dating’. I never meant to search for any daters after flirting online with two men who are in different continents from mine but somehow, they just kept on rolling on and I find it only fair to give them a chance while I observe on the highs and lows of dating.

Men are not maternal. Men are usually selfish and they would find it uneasy to actually think more than they need to. Men are cruel. Men are promiscuous. These words I’ve heard and used several times to ease the pain from all the scars these so called ‘men’ have embedded on me. Somehow, being a man myself, I find it pretty unsettling to analyze gay men on a consistent level. Gay men have this unbalanced mixture of personality from both worlds. Some gay men can seem as soft and love-craving as some women are and some gay men can seem as selfish as most players are but somehow, I find it quite interesting how there IS a substantial amount of ‘man’ness in any gay men, be they lean towards the ladies’ side or the gents’ side when it comes to attributes.

Dating men can be quite challenging and I have to say I’ve been dealing with it in the hardest way possible. The chase would seem like a cocktease from my view but once I’m in the zone, I would start to expect more of them and kinda stopped thinking myself like a man and start thriving towards the whole commitment freak attack.

Dating men is not as hard as we all think it is. It IS hard once you expect a lot from them. It IS hard once you’ve put yourself in the ‘I’m IN’ zone. This time round, I’ve turned the table and I have started flirting with four guys at the same time, just to see how they all work.

1. Never be the first to do things. Yes, like it or not, it’s better to let them be in control about the way the relationship is heading towards. If you know you could totally see yourself in the future with the man you’re dating, you wait and see if he would be the first to initiate things with you.
2. Do not play too hard to get. You know you’re gonna be a sucker once the man caught you and you’re falling for him like pansy petals on a soggy winter morning. So, if you’re trying to vamp up your inner medusa, don’t do it unless you can stick to it.
3. Do what he would do. Just for once, try being a man. It might be a bit insulting if you’re a female reading it and it makes you wonder ‘why the hell should I lower my level to try being a person who thinks with his cock, and in this case, a vagina?’. Well, if you don’t wanna get hurt by his unexpected reactions, you might as well treat him like he would treat you. This includes to keep telling yourself you have a life and talk shows to watch while dating a man, on other account, you might have other men to date as well. Men can do it. Why can’t we?
4. Do NOT put yourself in a ‘tiptoe’ position. Just for once, sit down and relax. Do not always look out for what’s gonna happen next to you or him. Do not feel obligated to always be the type he expects you to be. If guys can turn out to be someone you do not expect to be, it’s only fair you let yourself be whoever you want.
5. It’s not hard to have a relationship. The ‘in denial’ feeling is a bitch. You keep telling yourself that he’s ok and he’ll come to his senses, while you would have to try everyday to make things work. Well, it IS hard work alright but if you’re not having fun working for something that’s to stick with you til you die, why not let go now and look for someone you don’t have to work hard for.
6. Sex is an activity and it is not a treasure chest or an implication of any kind which would levitate your ego. If you use ‘sex’ as a test for intellect, sense and maturity, you won’t go a long way. Instead use ‘sex’ as a test for selfish matters. Does he make you feel good? Does he have sex with you as much as you want him to? Does he see the word ‘sex’ as you do? I repeat again, Sex is NOT a taboo. It’s just an activity, which most of us likes to wrongly view as a substance of love and closure.

Of course, these are the things I’ve learnt from two failed relationships, but this is just draft assumptions in a nutshell. As someone who likes to better himself rather than be cynical about the world of men, when I, myself, am a man after all, it’s only fair that I learn to be the man that I should be and play their games. After all, what matters most in my life right now, is just to get that man I’ve always wished for and if I have to go through a huge catalogue of games and plots there are for me to explore, it’s worth taking my time.

Listening to: The Chemical Brothers - The sunshine underground

The fatty and the rebel

2011-02-23T21:47:00.000+11:00

Names were called out during P.E. class and Fatty always happens to be the last one to be picked. P.E. classes end up most of the times with girls talking to Fatty about other boys anyways. It was just another day for Fatty. Fatty has a weird way of growing up. Growing up with a overprotective grand-dad mostly taken care of by the fake people who suck up to his grand-dad was awesome. Fatty always gets what he wants but once he faced the real world, he wondered how it would be to have friends. Family moving around didn’t really help either. With the lack of real childhood friends and a social life, Fatty spent his early twenties with Playstation, a huge CD collection and writing diaries on black paper with gold ink. Life was just peachy.

The rebel was an outcast at school. Always in short of money and lacking close friends, the rebel lived through his high school days mostly on his own. If there was one thing he was proud of, it was his guitar. The rebel sees the world as an open space he could feel every inch of and has lived his past as a loner. His parents didn’t really have time for him but he couldn’t care less. He did not know when to be nice or how to be nice to others. He spoke his mind and lived his days like nothing matters and like tomorrow was going to end. Life was open.

The rebel and Fatty met as two losers would meet in a queue for cheap junk food. His dad touring with Fatty in Singapore, Fatty took the rebel out. To Fatty, the rebel was this brave kid who’s lived through life thoroughly and enjoyed every second of it by speaking his mind and lacking fear. To the rebel, Fatty lived life to his fullest with things he could’ve never owned and the amount of materials around him to just make everything right and perfect for his leisure. Fatty and the rebel became the best of friends and despite the fact that they’re losers, they found the ‘champ’ in each other and faced the world together as the closest friends they both have ever had.

I came back from Australia a year and a half ago and bounced back on hanging out with KP, working with KP and even gaining acceptance and newfound respect from KP, who had to be one of the last people to find out I’m gay. As we sipped our wine tonight, we talked about Fatty and the rebel. It’s funny how we were both once losers and I’ve lived a high life and he’s lived the low life and now I have to keep working for the money and he is living the life of a high profile popular punk band singer. I realized that KP IS the closest friend I’ve got and I’m glad he and I went through a lot with respect and support for each other.

To find it funny how this friendship was based on the exchange life of a fatty who wanted to face the world on its own with open hands and an open mind and a rebel who wanted to play Playstation at home, while writing a diary and buying CD’s to add to his collection, and look at us now!

Listening to: Massive Attack - Everywhen

The last days of a cub

2011-02-22T14:16:00.002+11:00

As much hatred as I have for myself for being so stupid to crack open the ‘I like you’ card to wifeyD, I kinda see it more as a revelation of some sort.

All my life, I’ve hungered for a well planned married life with the man I love and all that crap. I’m turning 30 this year and pretty soon, I’ll start having to use anti-ageing cream and god, my forehead had started wrinkling after all. Life is giving me one more chance to have a blast. You get old, you’ll get fixed. Why worry about something that would fixate me up on a permanent life plan when I can have the ride of my life of release and reformation.

When wifeyD talked to me like I was his ex, asking me how many boyfriends I “have” and how it was supposed to be normal for me to have more than one boyfriend, I felt insulted. It was one thing to be bitter but accusing someone who has nothing but care for him of falling into the same prototype as the same species as his ex, it was a bit unfair to think he was the only capable gay man who could recite monogamy and loyalty on a millisecond basis. But I guess I know the benefits of realizing what I’m capable of doing now. It was my last chance to be single and to enjoy my youth.

I got a good body now because I wanted to impress BooMan before. I got a boost of confidence from the two night stands that I had with other boys. I got an affordable life where I can go around and wine and dine anywhere with anyone I want and might I add, I got offers from some guys. Yes, my attention is pretty much embossed towards that position.

People hate players but it’s not really an accusation when one is meant to be one. Not in it for love, not caring about my future for once and pretty much selfish in my own shoes, it’s time for this sex craving committed cub to have the time of his life before he grows his mane. What about wifeyD? I don’t know. I don’t care about the future anymore.

Listening to: System Of A Down – Toxicity

The friendship trade

2011-02-21T14:58:00.001+11:00

There comes a day in life when you find out more about yourself and there’s nothing you can do but just accept it. It has nothing to do with our personalities but rather our reactions towards things. Given first impressions, we find it too easy to do things without thinking.

I don’t really have secrets and I’m normally a loose bag of information. Some people find me quite mysterious but ironically it’s just me shining whichever changes in me. I react fast and express quite openly to a lot of things without using my brain. Not because I do not have the time but just that I do not really have any instinct to ever use it. It’s how humans react. When we have ourselves who we can’t understand, it’s only fair you learn something new about a person each and everyday, including yourself.

Maltesers and I had an open talk. I felt so ashamed. Instead of confronting such a small issue with her, I confided in her housemate, who in turn, used my story to tell her how I feel, BUT by injecting a lot of her version into it. So, her housemate used my story to tell her off regarding meat that SHE had against her, not me. I stopped talking to Maltesers because I was ashamed. Not using my brain to betray my own good friend and badmouthing about her to her housemate, I didn’t have the guts to blame myself, until today.

Just happy with Maltesers’ acceptance for me back into her life, I was closed to tears telling her how wrong I had been to not come confront with her. She was told all of those issues I had no problem with, her housemate exaggerating the story to “make her better”. I felt great that I let it all out to Maltesers and I was proud that I could come to terms with the fact that I did something wrong, but somehow I got her friendship back and I have every motivation to just use her housemate as my acquaintance.

On the other hand, me not being able to keep a secret, I told wifeyD about how I felt about him. Why? Because it has become too hard to categorize what we both have. Close friends yet flirting heavily, we both don’t really know where this is heading. Impatient and quite ‘not holding back anything’, I told him I really like him a lot, to which he said he would respond later on it.

It could be implied that he fell asleep and didn’t manage to get back online but for a boy who’s opened up to his close friend that he likes him and not getting any reactions back, I felt ashamed once again. I have no idea where I stand with wifeyD as of now.

I guess it’s just yet another weakness of mine to be open and unable to keep any secrets about how I feel or react towards stimuli. I gained my friendship with Maltesers but has mine with wifeyD come to an end?

Listening to: Nelly Furtado - Try

Do the poly amorous

2011-02-20T14:33:00.001+11:00

Before I had a huge acceptance that I was kinda semi-falling for wifeyD, I had a one night stand with a Burmese guy; yes, this was the first month in my entire life I picked up a Burmese boy to hit the sack and watch him wake up but knowing he’s in an open relationship and knowing I do not wish to settle down in Burma, I chose to keep it casual and fun. So, yes I had sex with WeirdBoi.

To name him with a pretty non-positive sounding blog ID has its reason. Why? Cos he called me up today and I thought it was just a follow up to our last episode, which I wouldn’t really mind. I mean I love wifeyD but seriously I do not want to hold onto something like I did with my ex, who’s been nothing but a big liar to me. And wifeyD being one of my close friends, I just don’t really wanna fuck it up with the whole mythical long distance thing. I mean, he’s way more decent than the last one I had. I mean, at least he doesn’t lie to me at all and that’s what I love about my relationship with wifeyD.

Back to WeirdBoi, he called me up today not to hook up but to introduce me to his boyfriend. He did mention I should meet his boyfriend one day, to which I answered I don’t do threesomes, to which he smiled. I gave him my phone number, not really caring he’d called but alas, he called me to tell me that three of us should meet one day. I don’t get it. If he was to be an open relationship, shouldn’t he just get it over with screwing me, literally, and just enjoy his poly amorous life? I don’t really get the whole ‘non-monogamous’ scene but if this was a normal trip to a poly amorous lifestyle, I would be able to learn and kinda analyze on and off on my blog. “Oh hi your boyfriend fucked me last night. Nice to meet you”. How’s that for an introduction? To be honest, that does make a good ice breaker to order more martinis.. that is, if they ever drink martinis….

Listening to: Rihanna - Skin

Celebrity skin

2011-02-12T19:40:00.000+11:00

It’s not easy to be in showbiz, especially when you feel like you’re the only one who’s still trying his ass off to be as grounded as he could. Superficial at its best, no matter how much we avoid it, we do have to somehow mingle with the crowd. Well, that’s the whole concept behind my music video called “Headline news” where people started to get disfigured but as soon as you find someone you’re comfortable with, you see them as normal again. But as soon as you look in the mirror, you see your face quite disfigured too.

I bailed out on going to my best friend’s concert with BigSis and yes, that sounds pretty messed up on many levels. Somehow my best friend never did call me anyways and I guess it’s the whole ‘showbiz’ politeness and empathy where KP and I never let each other get too involved with each other in showbiz. We do have a radio show together and we do a bit of cameo’s here and there in both our albums but both of us would not really expect the other to be there if the other is of no use. KP in a punk band does not need an RnB singer ‘me’ to come to his concert to make his day. I guess seeing him after the concert to smoke weed would be more ideal in our case. On the other hand, since my album was gonna be out soon, I do not want to be seen in public too much.

I did end up going to KC’s album promotion as a guest celebrity because I need to get as much publicity as I could and somehow him singing hip hop and my RnB have a bit of a ‘cousin’ relationship. I do want to be there for KC anyways but it was more for my publicity. More of a ‘hey y’all, I’m back and this is me’. Fashionably late and going home early, I hated this life but I had to do this anyways in order to get more reactions. I kinda doubt people rarely care about celebrities here in Myanmar where EVERYONE thinks they’re god but then again, my presence would have at least flashed a moment of ‘existence’ to these people, be it gossip or appreciation which would come outta their petty lips.

Pretty much turned off by a friend of mine on facebook who was pissed off at me for being rude (thanks to drunk texting), I decided to just spend my night watching a movie and just playing some puter games.

Yes, a celebrity’s life is FUCKING lonely!!!

Listening to: Franz Ferdinand – The dark of the matinee

The man of my dream

2011-02-11T19:34:00.000+11:00

It’s been exactly twelve years since dad passed away. Sometimes I think of him but I can’t help feeling like I need to miss him more. Maybe, I’m just too immune to ‘end of things’ and kinda look forward to smile for. I just kinda regret not loving him more while I could, thanks to studying abroad but I’m really glad I got over the whole ‘why did you leave me dad’ phase.

On a brighter note, work was on a huge adrenalin rush today. Caught up having to arrange a meeting and coming to a decision from seven agencies before 6pm, I ended up arranging a meeting, making sure these seven agencies showed up and kinda facilitating the meeting while taking notes and helping out with what was needed. I kinda hope SitarBro would be proud of me but I guess today was the day I could convince myself that I’m pretty much growing up a lot at work.

I think it was because of MG as well. Now, I have seen MG in a lot of meetings. I used to not put him up at my ‘stare at’ list. Maybe it was his receding hair or just his ‘normal’ unfriendly face that I thought he put on. I was face to face with MG today at the meeting and I couldn’t help feeling like a 16 years old teenage girl. Just watching him at work and knowing he knows what he’s doing and pretty much confident to not hold up any useful information kinda made my day.

I would guess late 30’s by his receding surface above his forehead but somehow he has this really attractive young face that I kinda could appreciate. I guess apart from his face and the way he wore his work clothes, it was his confidence and the striking activeness that attracted me. So, I became a bit of a biased notetaker where I started attending to whatever he needed. He needed a map and I would end up running to the other room, printing out a map I would have asked my colleague to download from a website via the slow internet. Then, I would go to him and kinda showed him the map. Then, he would ask for my opinion which kinda turned me on a bit. Not only was this man diplomatic but he’s got a bit of a sharing personality where he would take in opinions from anyone. Having asked for my opinion, I felt proud.

Then, MG and I would start having different guesses but the result turned out to be the thin line between both of our guesses and I kinda saw myself flirting with him saying “we’re both right” and kinda walking away hoping he watched me go. I kinda went a bit soft when he called me captain. All in all, I was a 16 years old teenage girl in love with her teacher.

All sweet 16 dream faded when BigSis revealed that MG’s got a wife but somehow my other colleague told me how he would dress really well, which he would only categorize as a gay man. At first I was thinking ‘metro’ but after I got a wink from him today and the way he communicated with me, I couldn’t stop wishing the word ‘wife’ was just a word one boyfriend would say to another man. I guess it’s more of a young girl crush that I was feeling somehow. I do wish my boyfriend in the future would at least somehow have some of MG’s attributes. I like a man who’s in control and who’s pretty fit to wear his shoes. Fuck receding hair. A good face and a confidence to match mine are enough for me. Behold the man search!! Haha.

Listening to: Fatboy Slim – Acid boo

Happy life for BooMan

2011-02-09T13:43:00.001+11:00

Despite partially true about what actually happened today, it was more of a strategic move. I’ve always managed to put BooMan as a priority when it comes to us. After hearing about what happened to him, I spilled everything I’ve bottled up inside and I let the beast inside me out. As it was dying, I continued pretending to be that beast for a win win.

I know this blog is quite visible for anyone who reads it but I guess I have the tendency to keep it as a diary where I don’t keep anything. The relationship between BooMan and me has become more than impossible lately. It’s only been less than a week I promised him that we could try to make our relationship work but as soon as I let him in my life, he summoned the wreckage.

So, I felt like this safety net that has to take all his spillage of drama. I guess my anger has inclined like a drug addict’s craving for drugs. My anger used to be manageable but I noticed as I love him more, it’s become too unmanageable. I started thinking how unfortunate I was to have this done to me by someone I love and what’s the point of keeping a boyfriend who can’t be happy having me around.

Craving for equality in complimenting each other in a relationship where one would keep me calm if I’m being too sick and I keep him calm when he’s down, I decided the best thing to do was to end this and make him hate me enough to be able to let go of me. I guess he could forget me and find someone else to make himself happier and better.

As I’ve said, it’s a win win. Now I can look forward for a happier boyfriend who would be there to keep my calm where I don’t have to only be there when he’s sad and forgotten when he’s happy. At the same time, BooMan can end this online long distance relationship and find someone better to make him happier by seeing the beast in me and hating me enough to let go of me.

All I’ve ever wanted for him was to be happy and I guess this day would count as a beginning to be able to start his journey without me… a much happier one. Amen to a love lost. It was good while it lasted.

Listening to: Bjork – It’s not up to you

The unsuccessful one night stand

2011-02-08T13:36:00.000+11:00

Fate is funny when things are not meant to be in life. I couldn’t stop laughing after finding out about my misfortune. The day I was introduced to a very attractive French gay man was the day I mistook him for a boyfriend of a close friend of mine.

The plot started during 80’s party at 50th street when I was introduced to a guy called Pierre by Vchick. Now, keep in mind that Maltesers’ boyfriend has the same name and he’s also French. Vchick was hooking us up and it was either too subtle of her or too intoxicated of me.

Pierre and I had an awesome chat that day while my mindset revolved around the fact that I was conversing with the boyfriend of a friend of mine. We went to a club together afterwards. I find it really nice of him to keep staying near me, which kinda made me think how good of a boyfriend he is to Maltesers. We had a beer and he went home and I went home.

Today, Vchick mentioned that he was NOT Maltesers’ boyfriend and that he was a gay guy she was trying to hook me up with. With the amount of time we spent together and the good conversation we both shared, if only I had known he was gay, I could’ve at least scored a one niter with a hot guy.

Ah well, not meant to be I guess… but the story cracked me up.

Listening to: Silverchair – Emotion sickness

Speaking from the top

2011-02-07T17:51:00.001+11:00

Rejection is a hard thing to deal with but there are some certain ways of doing it. Diplomatic and politeness would be the right approach especially if the one who’s asking is someone who’s open minded for both positive and negative answers. Despite the fact that my country screams ‘anti communism’, the whole society of people enthused with democracy practices communism and I swear they worship Hitler on a very annoying level. So, most of the out of date members of my country have the whole ‘I know shit you are under my hierarchy level’ vibe, which is quite synonymous to ‘stupidity’ and ‘dumbness’.

Sometimes, when a simple solution consists of a ‘no’, some people just love to give the whole ‘don’t you get it’ vibe. I was asked to call our country embassy in Singapore today and just because I know someone through a mutual friend, I just called her straight off. I was pretty sure what I was gonna ask her was something that cannot be easily granted and I was quite ready for a ‘no’ coming from her.

First, she gave me this ‘do you think you could just get what you want just cos you mention the name of our mutual friend’ vibe. Then, she gave me the rejection. It gets worse when she went ‘what I said was easy’ and repeated the whole protocol again. I mean, yes I know shit and I was about to hang up anyways. If I were in her situation I would be much more polite and quite empathetic. It’s true that there might be other assholes who were to use her for the advantage of a mutual friend but that does not mean everyone who calls her is THAT people.

Seriously, if the people in my country want a better country, people like this would have to change their attitudes first and stop acting superbrave about revolting to something they have so little knowledge of. Act smart, assholes!!!.

Listening to: Ke$ha - Sleazy

Lost and Sound

2011-02-06T22:08:00.001+11:00

Irony strikes today in Alanis Morissette style as I was told by DoubleA that he has a gift for me at his place. I forgot my laptop cable at his place and when I reached there to take it back, I was surprised to see that his gift was the iPod which I had lost two months ago.

On my way back from the Chaungtha trip for TTM birthday, I snapped my headphone wire as I was descending off the taxi cab when we reached DoubleA’s place. The next thing I noticed was the loss of my iPod, which might have flown out of my pocket as the headphone wire snapped. The same taxi driver drove to DoubleA’s house to return this iPod which he found back between the passenger seat gaps.

The funny thing about this is how I actually went out to buy the iPod Touch the day before and it was funny to see how I got my lost iPod back just exactly 24 hours I bought a new one. Happy as the owner of two iPods, it’s only fair I give my old one to my sister. I was very impressed with the taxi driver and kinda amazed at my luck with lost properties.

Listening to: Incubus – Nice to know you

Never ending mystery

2011-02-05T22:52:00.000+11:00

Single and pretty much not really wanted to be reminded of my ‘love life’, I find myself lately avoiding questioning myself and just doing what I feel. Knowing that I’m pretty much unsettled and being one to move from one place to another, I find myself pretty much not wanting to wearing my heart up my sleeves.

Being one to be able to do anything I want with anyone, I am quite guarded by my career as an entertainer doing showbiz. Being one to be easily talked about by random people and pretty much judged and still living with my grandparents, I try to make sure whatever I end up doing is pretty discrete.

Living in a country where everyone knows one another, I find myself being more keen on flirting with those from out of the country. Working with ex-pats is pretty much fortunate I guess but at the same time, I am able to sift out some Burmese guys who aren’t really gay-groupied.

I went out for a drink with JemHolo today. This was my second time hanging out with him. Introduced through a mutual friend, I find JemHolo to be a totally awesome guy, who can converse about almost anything. Kinda impressed he knows Jem and the Hologram cartoon as well actually. I have clearly learn the real rules of attraction since JemHolo is not someone I would’ve made any effort to converse if we were both in a bar in Sydney’s stonewall. He’s totally not my type but I can’t help being pretty eager to catch up with him and I could see myself letting almost anything happen if things were to be initiated. Well, anything but a commitment. I’m not really ready to get hurt yet.

It was a good drink. Both of us got smashed and ended up going to a club where I ended up doing the robot on the dancing floor. The night ended with me sending him back to his place and me going home. No sex nor kisses, it was a good night to have had with someone who could have just used me for a one niter.

I don’t really get it and I don’t really know how to feel towards this. I just know that this is not the first time this had happened. Whenever I feel ready to not focus on any relationship or a commitment, I end up meeting really nice gay men who take their sweet time getting to know me.

This world never ceases to amaze me, with new logics and consequences lurking behind the dark corners of an incident.

Listening to: Air – Ce Matin La

Babel

2011-02-04T21:01:00.001+11:00

I have been trying to be open minded about everything around me. Since I’ve gained this belief about religions making sense to cover up scientific beliefs for justification, I’ve been pretty much hesitant before I conclude an opinion about something or someone.

Working at the current job, I guess it’s important to be pretty much open to anything that can happen around you. It seems like every angle I look from seems to have a backlash effect of yet other angles any occurrence can be seen from. Today, I was encountered with the language barrier between the local and international staffs.

So our org is going for something which would look attractive with some more other orgs working with us. As I was trying to push these people to reply to my emails by the end of day, I encountered one lady who was VERY supportive at the meeting we had the day before. Suddenly, this morning, she chucked an indirect subtle insult to how she sees our org as a monopolizing entity over the other orgs. There are a lot of things I could blog about to justify that we are not monopolizing per se, but I rather respect the privacy. However, the fact that she has changed her point of view in 24 hours was just amazing. She knew of this since the meeting the day before but somehow, she changed her view. I do respect her view but at the same time I wish this subtlety was handled more ethically given I’m just someone working under the org to get things done and not to voice out opinions.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with me calling the local NGO’s. Maltesers sent out an email, which was very simply written. It has a main question asking ‘yes or no’ for confirmation of their decision, followed by three simple questions: one asking for existence of a document, one asking the locations and the last asking the amount of implementation to be carried out. I received four emails from the local NGO’s with only a ‘yes’ followed by a hearty thank you which ended up being two paragraphs.

I couldn’t stand this knowing unless they provided with the three questions answered, they would not get what they’re going for. So, I called them up and was surprised when they asked me to explain the email sent to them. So, I ended up explaining them word by word and ironically, I also understood a whole deal lot of what I was working for. Then, it got a bit worse when they told me they didn’t know how to answer. So, for four NGO’s, I ended up asking them to answer the questions in Burmese, which in turned, I translated them to English and sent to their emails for them to send me back that email from them. From 10am until 6pm, the day was spent with me and the four local NGO’s.

The best part about this is how they were so grateful and thankful. I kinda felt like a bit of a hero to them and I guess that is one of the many things that’s kinda making things work in life. The language barriers and the disciplinary boundaries of the usage of expressions according to cultural related reasons, we find ourselves unable to grab a lot of things presented by a different language. At the end of the day, the objective is mutual and the concept is always there, agreed and appreciated but just not notified..

Listening to: Shirley Bassey – Where do I begin (remix)

General son

2011-02-03T19:01:00.000+11:00

It’s amazing how taxi drivers, when they talk, can build up a whole new category of friendship in your life. In the world we’re living in, we have different types of friends:- friends with benefits, colleagues, penpals, socialites or just ordinary friends. I guess I’ve opened up a new category of friendship with taxi drivers.

Call it nerves but I find it hard to relax in a taxi cab where there’s no conversation. Be the taxi driver suspicious looking or just normal looking, I’ve heard tales of taxi driver kidnapping their clients or just smuggling them and dropping them off in places. So, I intend to converse as much as I can with taxi drivers. I used to go to 50 street (a local bar where most ex-pats gather) bar a lot and there would be a driver who would always drop me home from the bar. It’s actually a gang of drivers sharing shifts. They call me the ‘general son’.

My suburb is known as the ‘general suburb’ cos it’s where the generals used to live when they were working but it’s more of like a ‘retired generals suburb’. That’s the only way I could tell a taxi cab to get to my place. Thus, the nickname was born.

Conversations with taxi drivers have been quite random. People’s eyes popping off from heat, foreigners in Burma, learning piano, the society attitude on the country, latest music trends, good movies to watch, real ghost stories and just many more. It’s also pretty weird yet fun to philosophize from things they talk about. I just love listening to people’s stories and their point of views. It kinda broadens my own mind and kinda make me not feel so angry with the world or whatever it is that I would keep questioning about. It also feels good to know that I’m not the only one in the same boat as some taxi drivers are on it when it comes to stories I can relate to.

Driving home from a dinner with BigSis , it’s nice to be the general son in the taxi driver gang. They do converse about interesting things. Beats work meetings hahaha.

Listening to: Avril Lavigne – What the hell

Knowing a mistake by making one

2011-01-17T19:02:00.000+11:00

”There are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake, but you don’t really know it’s a mistake, because the only way to really know it’s a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back and say “Yep, that was a mistake.”. So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’d go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.” – How I met your mother, season 1

A week ago, I made a tough decision. It was the worst day of my life but I noticed that I have stretched such sadness in my life for letting anyone walk over me because I always wanted to know what was beyond that fine thin line between a mistake and the right thing done. But then again, I kinda also see the break up stunt I pulled with the man I loved and still care about as a thing I pulled to see if this would be another mistake. I still can’t do any judgment on this one but I just know it was a lose lose situation anyways if I let it continue.

I have included help of my grandparents in my career. It’s tough because now it’s hard to have a quality family time at home without having to talk about what needs to be done to get my album released by the end of February. The only phrase that could be heard repeatedly between my grandparents and I would be ‘Good morning’ said every morning. I guess I was scared that I would not be not making a mistake if I had involved them in the process.

Today, I was stressed with working on my music video and I asked DoubleA and his wife to go for dinner with me at Peppers. Each of us ate like an adopted kid on her first day living with the Jolie Pitts and this was another mistake I’ve done just to see if it was a mistake or not.

If there was one thing I had not done fearing it would be a mistake which totally contradicts the whole concept of this blog entry, it’s moving forward with wifeyD. I do like having him around but I’m in no position to ever start yet another online relationship or long distance relationship and to make things worse, wifeyD is someone who’s been there for me for more than so many times and he’s just someone I really care about and want as one of those ‘starring’ people if my life was a TV series. Amidst my promise to make sure I’m honest to him, I’m not really honest with the way I’m presenting myself to him. I’m stopping myself from doing a lot of things I could do to him. I’m actually stopping myself from making yet another mistake, but knowing this mistake I would actually regret doing if done.

Listening to: Gavin DeGraw – I don’t wanna be

Whoopermodel (work it boy)

2011-01-16T19:28:00.000+11:00

I hate models but I have to admit a lot of male Burmese models can look quite hot lately. Despite the whole skinny cliché dark skinned Burmese that I know of, I was stuck in a studio room with really tall and pretty fit Burmese male models; it was so bad it made me feel quite average heighted and a bit pudgy but I was mostly confident of my nose lol.

I had a bit of a showbiz treatment today. Since I’ll be directing two of my music videos, I went out with my album distributor to the studio with my cameraman(video) to check out what lights we would have to rent or what else we would need for the settings. The studio that we went to was having a dance rehearsal for some male and female models and as I’ve mentioned in the earlier paragraph, I was pretty much amazed at how good the guys look, not to forget their gayness which was a bit of a turn off to be honest.

I was talking outside the studio with my men about the payment when one of the models came out to me and went ‘You a friend of Dicky?’. Now, a sentence from a really cute model that has the word ‘dick’ kinda was a bit too much for me but I was a bit taken away by how this cute guy just came up to me and asked if I was a friend of my best friend since third grade. He then continued with a ‘I know his wife, I’m his wife’s uncle.’ Then, I chucked a ‘aren’t you too young to be an uncle?’ to which he said ‘I know, now that they have kids, I’m even a granduncle’. Who am I kidding? This kid cracks jokes. Then, he said ‘I was in the same class with you at ’s class’. ‘Toefl’, I asked, to which he replied ‘yes, you made that auspiciousness my ass joke.’ Now, that struck gold. Maybe this was one of those weird kids in Burma with this huge ass memory bank (yeah most quirky males in Burma can be like that, and I mean quirky bad) but it was not really bad enough for me to ask for his facebook account, to which he gladly replied ATT(coded).

I’m not sure what gender he would sway towards but it was surely nice to find a cute someone who’s Burmese and speaks English and not really afraid to say hello to me in the middle of an important conversation about making payments for my music video with my cameraman and my album distributor. Now, I gotta add him on facebook. Maybe, his ‘infos’ would lead me into his world of gender preference lol.

On another pathetic yet awesome note, I spent another 20 bucks on books again but also 10 bucks on books for my nephew. I managed to chuck in kids’ books and just because I can be a bit of a brandwhore cool uncle, I made sure his books have characters that other kids would go ‘Keeeeeewwwwwwlll’ to. Sesame streets, Disney characters, that ugly train I always forget the name to, Peter rabbit, dinosaurs and Peanuts, I was glad to see my nephew totally indulged in his new find when I gave him the whole paper bag of goodness. Ant(that nephew) was too happy he refused to give me a thank you kiss on the cheek. Seriously, they make pirates in pint size lately. Well, my cousin (his mom) did end up paying me for the books but hey, I still deserve that nephew kiss for free delivery and depiling kiddies’ books with greedy fat parents at the books sales.

Listening to: Regina Spektor – Folding chair

Ain't 2 proud to bag

2011-01-15T19:18:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I’m kinda happy that I do not have a kid while my friends are all having kids. Derived from a book I’m reading by Sasha Cagen called “Quirkyalone”, I’m pretty much a happy quirkyalone since birth and literally a quirkyalone whenever I hang out with KP and Steve. With wives and a kid each, it was refreshing to see how these two little mini KP’s and Steve’s were getting along real fine. Steve’s son loves having KP’s daughter around and it’s cute watching them prancing around with their never stopping imaginary mindset. Now, imagine if I ever have a kid, how would he/she fit into this picture. I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna be awkward or stupid but picture this love triangle between KP’s kid, Steve’s kid and mine. Awkward huh?

Call it good timing but I got to go to a book fair today in Burma. Now, say what you want about the third worldness about Myanmar but book shopping in Myanmar is AWESOME cos the seller have no clue how valuable what he’s selling are. Be it second hand book or not, Myanmar has a large collection of historic or non fiction books. So, this was a huge garage sale where you’re given a brown paper bag worth 20,000 kyats (around 18 dollars US) or 10,000 kyats (around 8 dollars US) and you are allowed to bag any books as much as they fit. I got 12 books, mostly hardcover and thick, for 18 dollars US. And I saw a prize tag on one of the books inside and it read $41.95. Just that book itself alone is worth the bag already.

It’s not like Burmese people are dumb but it’s just that they’re not open minded to be able to enjoy being curious when it comes to purchasing books. For example, if a Burmese Christian sees a joke book about Christianity, he would just ignore it and leave it be while Christians from some other country would buy it, read it and sue the author later for ridiculing a belief. So, imagine you have people like that for other genres of books, you’re left with lots of kick ass books in the discount rack while the discount rack I’ve been to in other countries would be just bad reads being chunked away by consumers.

I would hate to admit it but reading cures me. My ex is a bookworm and he’s mentioned once how he was able to go through days just by reading. I kinda respected him for that but never could see myself doing it. Now, it’s become a hobby of mine amidst my busy schedules. Having a book in your hand is almost like having a dvd player and a cable TV portable in your hand. What’s better? You get to control your own mind and imagine whatever you want in your head.

Listening to: Taylor Swift – Love story

Last night, a Wee-J saved my life

2011-01-14T19:07:00.000+11:00

If there was a night I have to pinpoint in my life as one of the turning points, it was the night of January 15th in 2011, which was tonight. Tonight changed my life.

It was a Friday evening and I was excited to see KP, who came back from his BKK tour, and Steve again. As per usual, we planned to chill over at Steve’s with a round of Wee-J’s (grass joints). I was never a fan of Wee-J’s since it has never worked for me but tonight was different. Maybe I was a bit too tired or maybe this wee-j was strong but after a few puffs, KP and I were in another world.

I was never a listener when it comes to conversations over at Steve’s. I used to be busy daydreaming about an online relationship, thinking about writing new songs or wondering if there was anything at work I have to do the next day. Tonight was different. Highly strung, five of us had a conversation.

The topic was kinda strong to be honest but it’s amazing how five of us agreed to it open mindedly. It was about how religion is a form of cover of scientific truths in life. Religions over the world have formed a believable figure in order for people to have a justification between rights and wrongs. If it wasn’t for religion, we’d be murdering each other senseless whenever we want to; well, not that some of us are not already doing that despite the existence of religion. We did not say anything bad about religions, but we were pretty much inquisitive about the contents in the religious manuscripts.

I read the revelation in the Bible and freaked out. The contents have NOTHING to do with what’s normally in the rest of the Bible. It sounded emotional and futuristic. Seven candlesticks?? Second death? Now, this reminds me of how in Burmese people said that ‘people from the sky’ helped build the Shwedagon pagoda. First of all, isn’t it amazing how most historic buildings in the world is triangular in shape and have a bit of a ‘precious’ stone on top. Shwedagon has a diamond on top. Some pyramids in Egypt have some zinc or something on top. Second, we are all limited by so much vocabulary that the observant failed to describe the ‘people from the sky’. Who are they actually? How did they travel? Somewhere along the lines of this mystery, my friends and I couldn’t help wondering time travel exists and parallel universe is something we have yet to discover. God is everywhere. Buddha teleports. What if that’s one clever person who manages to go beyond the limited capacity that all of us are in?

I know this is stupid and I kinda blame the highness of the Wee-J and the post breakup stress but I picked up a hobby I have totally forgotten I had. Reading. I came home and read a Dan Brown. 80 pages in an hour from a guy who’s only read 10 pages in two hours before and leave the book. I don’t know.. reading can be so much fun actually.

Listening to: NERD – Sooner or later

Age

2011-01-12T16:42:00.000+11:00

I always used to wonder how bored people get as they grow older. The big dvd collection I used to see in some gay men’s house, a never finished sweater knitted by a divorcee or a chair that’s never stopped rocking for being too overused.

My grandma was a bit over-restless today when she was trying to change the frames in the living room. There used to be four picture frames on top of a big shelf along with a clock and an expensive jade cherry tree. She wanted me to take down the clock and put two frames from other shelves on top of that shelf. It wouldn’t fit unless we take the jade cherry tree down but it was too heavy and the whole incident ended up with grandma trying to work it on a chair. I told her that she would feel down to which she ignored.

My grand-dad, on the other hand, seems unready to accept that he’s beginning to forget things. Once in a military, he’s a man of discipline and exactness. Last week, I had an argument with him about a file which he had kept but he refused he had kept it. Then, later, he found it in his wardrobe. Today, he was telling me about a fact he had mistaken with the wrong time phase, to which my grandma and I corrected him. It was just followed by a grunt and a pretty much unfair accusation that we were wrong and that he remembered exactly what he meant.

I guess it’s age that scares most of us. Most of us are afraid to remind ourselves of the present. I hate reminding myself that I’m no longer with the man I love and that I’m single. I hate reminding myself that I’m still unsettled. My grand-dad would hate to be reminded that his brain cells are not functioning like they used to and my grand-mom would hate to be reminded that she could no longer have a good energy to decorate stuffs.

I’m gonna be thirty this year. I don’t know about other people but I do want to spend my time as a normal young person who’s aware of his present while his brain functions. Having good friends, having the freedom to roam around and get to know other people for love or friendship and although unsettled having the ability to drift. I need to enjoy my life again and be happy for things to come. At least by the time I get older, I wouldn’t be reminded of how sad my life had been when I was 29 back in January 2011, when I was pretty much bored of life after the man I love crushed my expectations of a good life.

The truth is, there’s still life left and I’m gonna enjoy it to the max.

Listening to: Yui – I remember you

My italian nose in a Chinese wedding

2011-01-11T16:09:00.000+11:00

There’s nothing more comforting than a gay photographer. Maybe it’s just my wrong perception but my gaydar can’t help beeping whenever he’s around.

K9 took pics of me for a magazine several days ago and the result was remarkable. I’ve had pics done with a couple of other photographers before. Their port folio would be full of girls over the number of guys, which is almost never there. I would always be left with just doing whatever I want and the photographer taking pics whenever he thinks he gets the right angle. K9 was different. He would be pretty precise about what he wants; my pose, my shirt or just the way I was smiling. Working with him, I spent more than six times with him adjusting my shirt, handing me a tissue or other things he could to make me look good.

Impressed, I chose K9 for my album cover shoot. I had a meeting with him today and I was telling him about how his work made my pics look quite internationally qualified. I wasn’t really talking about my looks and it was more of his work I was mentioning but I was glad to hear what he had to say next. He said it was actually my nose that made my pics ‘international’ quality and my proportionate body. So, he said I got this Italian nose and he would always make me pose in order to focus more on the shape of my nose and he said that my body is quite proportionate compared to a lot of Burmese models. I didn’t get that. I feel fat. Maybe I might seem taller but his words somewhat boosted a bit of my ego.

Maybe he’s gay and maybe he’s not but somehow I love working with K9 and I’m excited to work with him for my album cover.

Chinese weddings are awesome!! I was out with DoubleA crew for TTM’s bro’s wedding. I guess this was the first wedding for a long while I enjoyed attending. For once, I wasn’t jealous and I wasn’t that envious of weddings much. Not that I don’t want to but I just know my time is yet to come with the right person one day and my mind’s not really fixated on future planning. There were two presenters; a woman who speaks Burmese and a man whose Chinese makes him sound like one of those free Chinese channels from satellite TV. I don’t know why but whenever he speaks, I see a kitchen with hung ducks. So, we had a champagne moment. Loser like me had a water glass cheered but the most awesome thing was when a whole lot of people started clinking their chopsticks on their wine glasses (which actually has water in it). Clink clink clink. I only found out later that this is a gesture from the audience asking the groom and bridegroom to kiss in front of everyone at that moment. I was pretty lucky my glass didn’t break but my clinking was just major loud; it’s fun to cause awkwardness at times. Then, there was this old man, who I believe is a drunk grand-dad from one of the families, who unfortunately succeeded to steal the mic off the presenter and started making comments on the mic. “Kiss on the lips!” “Carry the bride!”. It was a good wedding and I fully enjoyed it.

Listening to: Howie Day - Collide

The friend

2011-01-10T21:19:00.001+11:00

Life is pretty bad when it comes to ‘timing’. It’s weird when a friend knows too much about you and it gets weirder when both of you are walking the same road. It’s also a bit weird when a friend is someone you care about and don’t wanna hurt. It’s so hard when the only way to get closed to a friend is the approach that you have believed in the past, which have been pretty much burnt down by the person you loved. It’s so hard when you want to believe in a lot of things you’re stopping yourself from believing. It’s also difficult when you promised yourself that you will never make the same mistake again.

Is this a test? If so, what am I doing now feeling this way? Despite the fact that I don’t feel lost anymore on my own, why am I faced with more tests? Haven’t I had enough of tests? The last one burnt me deep and I’m a bit too exhausted from the pain it has caused.

I hope the friend stays true. I hope the friend stays happy. I hope the friend knows that I do believe in good endings.

Independence day

2011-01-04T14:12:00.000+11:00

It’s Burma independence day today and Boob’s birthday. God, I miss him!!! If this day was all about ‘independence’, I kinda find myself forced to have a strength field around me the whole day, which, in my opinion, makes me one independent person.

Truth be told, I used to live my days with the strength I get from BooMan. I know it’s lame but I could live through any crappy day just after I get an email or two from him in the morning. I guess he’s been pretty busy and I don’t really wanna be a pain in the ass craving for his attention. So, I ended up not really trying to make a big deal about the whole feeling I get about us not like before. I guess trying to survive each and everyday til I’m with him is tough, yet a must since I’d feel crappy after checking my email to not see any mails from him. Long distance sucks balls sometimes. It sucks even more that I’m madly in love with this person I’m chucking a long distance relationship with.

I rushed over to Steve’s house since Jsquare was there. A simple hangout swinging on his hammock while playing with his doggy, my afternoon was pretty worth spending given as KP has said, I have to appreciate what I have left around me. Hoping to leave Burma soon, this could be one of those times I make good use of being with them while I still can.

DoubleA called me at night to meet an old friend of ours, PM. My high school buddy, PM, and my ‘best friend from high school’ HS were there and it was a good evening spent as well. Sitting in the middle of a long table with 5 couples, I’ve learnt a lot about their lives. How things changed for some of them who had kids, those who lost theirs or those who still haven’t had babies. It was interesting to see the strength a female has while bearing a child in her womb for nine months. This was the conversation with the girls (the wives) to my left and I would join in the men’s talk (the husbands) on my right whenever they talk about something I could join in, which is NOTHING about cars. Once they mention the word ‘car’, it’s Hein looking to the left to join the wives sharing babies’ stories. The privilege of being the only gay in the table of five couples, I could join in any conversations without causing any awkward silence.

It made me realize life is still a huge mystery. When will I have kids? Who will I have it with? How can I make it possible? Will I be a good dad? Will I make it? Who will be the other dad? These things linger in my head.

Listening to: Patsy Cline – You belong to me

The counter

2011-01-03T13:55:00.000+11:00

362 days I have left to try to get to be with BooMan. I gave myself this hope that I will meet him this year. I don’t care how or when or where. I just have to meet him. Do you know the feeling of seeing your boyfriend you can’t touch on vzo chat screen smiling at you while he’s intoxicated and all you could do is give him the weakest grin, which he finds cute, and a promise that you would do anything to make him feel good? Deep inside, you’re exploding with the fact that you can’t give him a hug or pat his head while you’re lying close to him in bed and the last thing you could do is give him a kiss virtually and hope he sleeps ok. I’m totally sick and tired of not being close to the person I love and I don’t know what hurts me more:- not being near him or the feeling of not knowing what’s going on in his life.

17 days until I can drink again. I know I’m being a hypocrite here but I could really use bottles and bottles of wine to numb everything around me. Drugs make me sleepy, cigarettes fuck my voice up but drinking.. at least I could just indulge in the tipsy moment to just put a fast forward button in my life.

12 more days until I get a break from work for two weeks, which will end up in consecutive days of making music videos, choreographing and going to interviews. Today, I went to SGH supermarket with KC to buy some dance DVDs to think of dance moves. It was cute to see how KC and his son enters a toy shop and it ended up with KC asking his son to get what HE actually wants. Well, his son ended up taking Magatron instead of Bumblebee anyways while KC wants BumbleeBee. Ok, back to my music plan. I have an interview this Thursday and I’m kinda nervous about it since I do not know what questions they would end up asking.

12 more days to finish my website at work. Now that I got the codes working, it’s time to work on the whole website itself. Drawing myself a work plan would be the most useful thing to do at the moment.

3 more hours until I sleep to get myself to dream of good things to come while waiting for tomorrow to pass me by.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m nervous. But I’m still counting….

Listening to: Jason Mraz – Sleep all day

An orange with a view

2011-01-02T13:22:00.000+11:00

The best thing about oranges is the fact that you can place them between a lit surface and your pupils to check out if there’s any seed in the piece that you’re gonna eat. If there’s lack of any presence of seeds, it’s pretty awesome to be able to gulp down the whole thing without having to play tongue hockey with the seed inside.

My grandparents wanted to show me this awesome place which might be useful for my music video shooting but it would take 3 hours via car to and back from that place. So, before picking up granddad to go there, my grandma and I went to Hyper Supermarket to buy my other set of weights. It’s funny how my grand-dad just bought me this ‘one’ weight-adjustable dumbbell. I told him I would need two of those if I were to work on my muscles. So, my grandma and I went weight shopping, which ended up with me carrying the weight around while she shops for more stuffs.

A visit to the golf course was pretty cool since the last time I have been there was when I took a golf lesson with the Junior golf camp when I was 17. I remember swinging an iron 7 and the ball going in different directions and hitting the glass door behind me. Grandma and I were supposed to pick up Granddad from the golf course. He was with his golfing buddies after 18 holes of pleasure. I seriously don’t get the amusement in trying to hit a ball into a hole with a stick. Granddad seems pretty happy since he was with his buddies and since grandma and I were in a pretty good mood, he had his ‘look how united our family is’ smile on his face and his buddies were pretty talkative in a cool way despite their age. It made me think of taking up a sports.. I mean when I turn 70+, I don’t really know where I would be hanging out with my buddies and the last three places I would like to see myself in with my 70+ buddies are a bingo bar,a gay bar and the outdoor bowling pitch.

The place turned out awesome and I took some pics just so I can think of the choreography and places where I can place cameras and all that. The only let down was the weather. I just HATE Burmese dry hot weather. I had so much dirt on me with dry lips when I got home and my whole body was steaming hot without any moisture.

It was a pretty productive day, given I get to make good use of time preparing for yet another ‘self managed’ project. Like my orange in front of the florescent light, my plan for my album seems pretty clear. I could see some seeds in the way to clear them out before I could accidentally swallow it.

Listening to: Jamiroquai – Cosmic girl

Back in biz mess

2011-01-01T13:18:00.000+11:00

Waking up with a feeling I have a lot to do is never healthy. Pretty much sleepy from the night before, I woke up to realize that it was the weekend, the two days where I make good use of time to work on my career. So, now that I got my master CD done, what’s left for me to do is an album cover and my own directed music videos. And in order to do music videos, I’d need scripts, settings, locations and people involved to consider. I guess today I took care of ‘people involved’.

About a few months ago, I tried to start directing a music video for my song “Headline News”. I emailed my friends to be part of the video shoot and it was to be shot on an afternoon. I guess my invitation was too light but only 9 out of 30 people showed up and the bar was not dark enough. I like to call that an epic fail but BigSiS hates it when I’m too hard on myself. However, I guess four months later and after I got myself the ‘master’ CD, there was no way I can make any excuses to not start working on the music videos.

It’s pretty cool when your grandparents work as advisors for one of the popular journals (it’s more like People Magazine but in a newspapers version that comes out weekly) called “Popular”(irony!!!). The people who work for Popular journal were amateur dancers who are willing to be choreographed and who wouldn’t mind being involved in a music video. Some of them could also be ‘extras’ in my video. I’m trying to use less of my ‘friends’ since they do not really take things that seriously and treat this as work. For me, work is time and time is money. Nothing waits and I can’t stand to be left not getting things done.

So, it was a good day planning for my music video. I’ve got the people fixed and I’ve decided to have five music videos done, four of which would be directed by me and the remaining one directed by KP .

The day ended with a pretty heavy ‘fuck diet’ dinner with DoubleA and his wife. I guess I’m trying to savor every moment I have left in Myanmar. Spending time with DoubleA and his wife is always awesome and while staying at their place before going out for dinner, I managed to make their dog hump my leg and hijack wrestling videos from DoubleA . Yes, despite my age, I’m still a HUGE fan of WWE. It was a good first day of the year. Fat and tiring but quite promising for a good year.

Listening to: A*teens – Halfway round the world

2010

2010-12-31T15:48:00.002+11:00

2010 was a year of a huge roller coaster ride and turning points. It’s also a year I get to learn a lot about things I never knew and I’ve misinterpret. I want to thank everyone who’s made a difference and who’s hit a few milestones in my life in 2010 and you guys know who you are. Now, I’m gonna list a few things I’ve learnt from this year. (pretty much inspired by CS , who’s one of the big milestones of 2010)

1. Trusting comes from within and not from expectations. It’s easy to say you trust someone but not really easy to live up to it. However, it’s easier if one gives trust to someone without any justifications needed.
2. Love is work. Like it or not, love is more of a compromise and work in process. If you KNOW you love someone, you gotta work for it and you gotta stop letting pride, greed, jealousy and myths get in the way. Perfect love does NOT exist.
3. Sex is just an activity. It’s ok to have sex without falling for that someone you have sex with.
4. Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends can be your friends, regardless of how much love there is left between the two of you, the past is the past.
5. Happiness is dependent on you, NOT on the location you are in.
6. Whenever you feel like your life’s on a halt, appreciating what’s around you will make you understand how fortunate you are to be where you are in life.
7. Good friends are those who can pick up where you left off last time you were with them after a long absence.
8. Good friends can start from drinks in a bar after sharing tattoo footages. (*nudges CS *)
9. Being gay is normal. And trying to prove something’s normal is NOT normal.
10. Drugs are not addictive. Being sad depending on drugs as an outlet IS addictive.
11. Sadness is temporary. Happiness is permanent.
12. Sadness, when invited, should be embraced.. not frowned upon.
13. Hoping is motivational, not a waste of time.
14. Never hate those people who are honest to say they are bad. Cos they’re way better than those assholes who like to play God.
15. When the ones you love are sad, cry with them and don’t cry for them.

Listening to: The Veronicas – When it all falls apart

A letter to dad

2010-12-31T14:59:00.000+11:00

Dear dad,

My album’s finally done and I gave my grandparents the master copy. My grandma came up to my room and she hugged me and cried. She said the song I wrote for you was so good and she cried and thanked me for not forgetting you. Then, she asked me if I hate you.

Now, let me get this clear for once and for all. I love you, dad. That’s the reason I have been bitter about you leaving me early. I have never seen myself to grow up without a dad and you, being someone who should have been my mentor and someone to guide me the ways of life, have always been an important figure I didn’t wanna lose. I guess you did put a lot of lives down after you left us. I had to make sure I keep those around me happy. I couldn’t cry in your funeral and I’ve stuck to that attitude that I forgot how it feels like to actually feel sadness. I hated you so much only because I love you and I didn’t want you to leave us.

I have stopped going to your grave until last two weeks ago when Mom and Sis came back from Thailand. When I saw them, it made me think of you and the fact that they’re peaceful with my grandparents, I so wish you were here to see it. I remember how you used to hate how your wife doesn’t really get along with your parents. You should see them now. They’re friendlier than ever.

Dad, despite the fact that you cannot be there for me now, there are a lot of things you’ve taught me and things I would not have believed in unless you were around. I am grateful for these. Because of you, I believe in love. I’m with a good man now. I know how weird it is whenever I think of how you’ll react to me being with another person of the same gender as me but I know despite a slow process, you’ll love Craig. We’re trying to last as much as we can and I’m trying to work out everything I could to stay true to him and to last as much as I can with him. Because of you, I love kids and want to be a young dad. I guess I want to be just like you, a good dad.

I know you’ve left me way before you actually should and I forgive you. I’m also sorry I hated you for a while. I know it’s weird wishing you a happy new year but I would like to have your guidance as I’ve always craved (wherever you are) this year as well.

I love you dad.. I mean it!

H.

Worst business strategy ever

2010-12-29T14:14:00.000+11:00

I would like to take this opportunity to celebrate the end of me taking four pills a time. It’s not a big deal but god it feels good to not have four elongated objects in my mouth to swallow. So, yes, yay!!

Remember that malaria affected-in-the-brain Indian cleaner lady in UN I was talking about last time? Well, I’ve reached the point where I’m getting a bit annoyed by her. Yesterday, MissMalaria came into our office room with a plate with pamelo on it. She asked us to eat it and then she said she would just leave it in our office room. Ok, I have to admit I could LOVE a person regardless of how unhygienic he/she is BUT I can be a bit of a hygiene queen. I think everyone is. Like, I would run on mud and eat food with someone’s spoon or slurp with someone’s straw but when it comes to diseases, things can get a bit gross. So, my colleague told me yesterday about how MissMalaria would peel a fruit. First, she would slice it and then with what’s left on the knife, she would lick her fingers which would be holding the knife. Then, she would also lick the other fingers she’d be holding the fruit with. Last time, I drank the lime juice she made for me with lots of courage but there was NO WAY this pamelo was gonna be in my mouth.

Today, she came in with Fried Noodle. The deal is no one orders anything but she would enter offices with things she’s done and people would buy it off her cos they feel bad. I mean, I do care about people’s poverty and I’ve done what I could. I gave her 3000 kyats for her medical charges once when she asked me but buying something I don’t want from her just because she would be selling it with the whole “but I’ve made it and it’s either you buy it or I lose” face does not really pluck my sympathy veins. So, I’m not sure who’s gonna be paying for the pamelo she’s left in the room and we all said no to her fried noodle. It’s just too much. It’s the whole habitual trait. Once you’ve done something, people keep wanting more.

The other thing that upset me today was how I couldn’t static probe my colleague. In high school, my classmate would take off his shoes, rub his socks with the carpet of our music class room and poke me with his finger and the next thing you know, I get zapped and laughed at. Today, I took off my shoes, rubbed it with the carpet on the office floor and probed my colleague and it didn’t work. Epic fail to the max!

Listening to: Paramore - Crushcrushcrush

Hot people get hurt too!

2010-12-28T13:28:00.010+11:00

It feels so good to cry knowing there’s no one who’s good enough to make me feel better but myself. I cried til I ran out of tears. I cried until I was out of breath and gasping for air.

It started with a trip to my bathroom. It’s crazy but it’s been one whole week since I last used that bathroom since my mom and sis were the only ones using it when they were here. I guess they were afraid of excess baggage when they left or maybe toiletries were not that important but on the basin level, I saw Nivea whitening cream, a Pantene shampoo bottle and a Shokobutso body foam. The next thing I knew was tears streaming down my face. I went back into my room and saw the two pillows both Mom and Sis slept on. I hugged them tight and cried out loud. I miss them. I always try to be this brave figure to them all the time and after they left, I have been pretty much struggling not to let anything make me sad. I guess sometimes the best way to get over a sadness is to invite it in and embrace it. I guess I’ve let sadness in tonight and kinda made it dwell in my system. It felt better when my body got immune to this sadness and kinda made it normal. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to miss your mom and sister.

On another irrelevant note, I have to complain about something that I have been shrugging off. I have been a victim of my own pet hate and I refuse to take it from anyone. Yes, it might seem a bit hypocritical of me to do this but I rather people know this now than later. There’s NOTHING GOOD ABOUT BEING HOT!!!

Ok, when I was younger, fatter and probably acne faced, I used to have this huge appreciation for hot people and I would get totally disappointed when they’re single or when they have issues. I would see a hot person and I would be totally nagging them about why it was so hard for them to get over their partners or kinda hooked on a partner that’s not as good looking as them. I am NOT saying I think I’m hot but given I got called ‘hot’ more than 10 times this month, I could pull it off as a newb in that category. When I broke up with BooMan, I was messed up and I was practically ruined. Then, I started getting people interested in making me feel better, which I totally appreciate until they said the things they shouldn’t have. “He’s older than you!” “You’re way hotter!” “Oh! You’re hot and young; you have every reason to move on.” “You’re crying for this guy who’s not as hot as you”

Now, let me tell you something. I personally got drawn to BooMan on a shallow level. Before I got to know him in details, his heart, his personality, his grandmother kiss on vzo chat and other stuffs, I was hooked on him even though he strikes a great resemblance with Stephen Gately and I wasn’t actually a fan of Mr Stephen. Then, later, I got to know him and love him. BooMan turns me on on a ‘anytime’ basis and there was just no one who would turn me on like he would. I wouldn’t be sexually driven by or attracted to anyone, well maybe except porn stars and Ryan Reynolds. But, yes, I think he’s hot.

People think it’s so easy for good looking people to find love and just screw any living things in sight. It’s true there are cocky assholes out there living up to that reputation but like any other average or ‘lower than average’ looking people who could not get through a heartbreak, we, the so called hot people, have feelings too. It’s not easy getting over someone you have loved and lost no matter how older he can be, how not as good looking as you do according to your friends he can be or how uncool he could be. I think it’s disgusting when people think hot people are more fortunate than normal people.

This also applies to the whole ‘Oh! You’re a singer! You have fans’ comment. You guys have no friggin idea how I’ve craved for beer, missed eating dinner, wanted to run in the rain without people thinking I’m craving attention, yearned to enter a coffee shop without seeing at least one person whispering to his/her friend while staring at me and always looked forward to crying on a bench in the park without having people stare at me.

I admit. I’ve always wanted to be good looking and popular but I think there’s nothing different between ones who are popular and good looking and the ones who are not. We cry like you do. We binge eat like you do. Most importantly, we get hurt just like you would.

Listening to: Christopher Cross – Arthur’s theme

Lost no more

2010-12-27T15:02:00.004+11:00

Holidays make me crazy and not in a good way. I just had enough of being unmotivated, depressed and pretty much pathless. It’s been a messy emotional rollercoaster to deal with break ups, make ups, work change or living up to someone’s expectations. Conditions have been cruel when I’m always having constant fear of failure at the most unfruitful time. Luck has been cruel when I’m faced with small mishaps linked with one another. I’m just at this point where I say to myself “Why do these thing happen to me?” and “Why the fuck not?” It’s not easy being in a long distance relationship, feeling insecure most of the times, not knowing what’s going on, not being able to be yourself in public, not being able to work in the right place at a right time, not being able to be with those you love and not being able to feel as much happiness or hope as you used to. But then again, it’s also not easy to live them on. So, I just had enough of being a moping sulking son of a bitch and it’s about time I chuck a ‘why not’ at my life.

So, today BigSis and I went to Shwedagon pagoda. Normally, we would cab it there but given I had my driver and my car today, we asked my driver to drop us off at a market and to wait for us at one of the wings. Ok, the pagoda is a huge circle if you should ever googlemap it. It has four wings, with parking lots, and the whole trip around the pagoda takes around one hour to go around it by walking at a normal speed. Each wing has a flight of stairs (approximately 80 steps or more) to reach to the top of the pagoda. The circumference of the top of the pagoda takes me 10 minutes to completely circle around it. The market is at one of the wings and that wing actually has twice the size of those 80 steps to reach from the very top until the market. I totally forgot how the market is an extended endpoint of one of the wings and treated that as one of the wing.

So, BigSis and I went up from the market wing, took 160 steps up to the top of the pagoda and 20 steps before the top (red line), BigSis and I gave our shoes in those shoe lockers. Then, both us went around and came back to the market wing, went down 20 steps to take our shoes(red line) and started heading towards the wing where my car would be parked. Actually, it’s parked at the SAME wing where we took off our shoes but thanks to my stupid sense of direction, BigSis and I took an hour circling three wings on foot on ground level(green line), until we got tired and took a cab (blue line) to take us to the wing where we departed off (the market wing) and there it was, my car parked in the parking spot with my driver wandering aimlessly where we both were. On a brighter note, it was a good exercise.

I’m not having the best time of my life. I want to get back to Sydney already and I think my life would ONLY start once I settle there. It’s not about the place but it’s more about settlement. I’m pretty much sick of moving around and living on hopes and depending on other people to feel brave about.

When I was five, my grand-dad went to the toilet while we were shopping. Since I was too busy checking out some toys, I lost my way and I started crying only to find out my grand-dad would be back to come pick me up after he comes outta the toilet. I felt the same with BooMan. I love him to death til the point I’ve depended on his being to the way I live. I forgot about my life and I forgot about reality. I don’t want to depend on anyone anymore. I’ll give him all I can, love him with all my might til I run out but I will have to start focusing on my life on my two feet from now on. I guess, finding my way around the huge pagoda for my carspot is a good start. At least, I found it after an hour.

Listening to: Mutya Buena – Real Girl

Deep sleep

2010-12-26T17:53:00.001+11:00

I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be in Freddy Kruger movies. The fact that you wake up from dreams, not knowing you’re still in your dreams. The movie “Inception” made the whole process seems more interesting.

Maybe it’s the aftermath of what I’ve done few days before but my brain seems numb and my memory’s beginning to fade. The good thing about all of this is the fact that I’m learning to forget my pasts as fast as I can. The better part is where I’m too tired to think about the future. But then again, the worst part is how I’m exhausted living in the present.

I felt like I woke up from a nightmare to kick myself back to reality when mom and sis got to Burma. Then, today, I woke up at five am and I noticed I had to take them to the airport. I do NOT like airports. Looking at how things are now, I don’t even know if I should like airports when I get back to Sydney. You get lost easily and people are just there to check you and remind you that bringing a bomb is bad. As usual, I felt ill the whole time I was in the airport. Numb usually. I saw my mom and sis crying but I chose to ignore it. I felt like I woke up from yet another dream to end up in another ‘nightmare-to-be’.

As I watched my mom and sis go, the chemicals in me started to fade as I started thinking about my past and future again. I recalled the time I was in Sydney airport when I had no choice to be sad or happy but just afraid to get back to Myanmar. Then, I thought about how things will work out if I ever get to Sydney again. Will I have anyone picking me up? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be lonely as before? Is this the last time I’ll see mom and sis for a long time? Where will I be when they come back to Burma again?

I closed my eyes and pinched myself hard, hoping this was yet another nightmare. But then I realized this wasn’t and it’s just the present state I’m in. Lost as ever and given up on hoping.

Black spade

2010-12-23T14:52:00.002+11:00

Black Spade

S. Hein

My energy withers,

as I lost my glow,

To everything, I dither,

Can't take things anymore.

I need an outlet now,

To numb the pain tonight,

If you could show me how,

I'll let you get inside.

A piece of block you are,

Melts on heated spoon,

I'll let you heal my scars,

And make me sleep til noon.

A piece of block I crave,

I'll need you again in me,

A piece of block that made

me numb my miseries.

Weak and fragile I've become,

Vulnerable to the bones,

Though you are a threat to some,

You are my only hope.

A piece of block you are

A piece of block you've got me far

A piece of block I'll always love

A piece of block, with you, I'll always be up above

I’m sorry I’ve let some down. I promise I won’t get addicted.

Lost

2010-12-22T13:56:00.002+11:00

I can’t wait to drink again. It’s just this thirst that would be the only way to make me better. I’m not really sure what’s got into me but lately, I haven’t been satisfied with the way life is. Maybe it’s me losing patience on waiting to get my PR or have my album out. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m still doing the work that I’m not really enjoying that much. Maybe it’s the fear of losing my mom and sister in a few days and being left all alone in my room. Maybe it’s just me feeling a bit lost about my future since I’ve stopped planning.

I just feel like I’m walking alone on this road to nowhere. I used to be able to see obstacles from afar and I would be pretty enthusiastic to make plans to avoid them. I’m not really sure what this new feeling is but I’m just living the moment, which is pretty useful when I’m someone who gets easily let down by not living up to expectations but somehow I see myself losing grip of what’s to come. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I’ve been fearing things I’ve never felt fear for. When asked to visualize them, I would have no clues what they are. I’ve also been numbing away from anything dramatic and pretty much not really open-minded to that’s happening around me.

I do feel alone. I used to think it was cool to have the Green Day’s song “walking alone” as my life’s theme song until I’m actually living every lyrics of that song. When will this nightmare be over and will there be anything to look out for once I wake up? Who knows?

Listening to: Natasha Bedingfield – These words

Headphones and a conniving bitch

2010-12-21T14:48:00.001+11:00

Four headphones in a month. It’s been a hectic month for me and my headphone shop. The day I got back from Chaungtha, I lost my iPod and my headphone stopped working. So, I bought a new headphone and the wire broke when it got caught in the car’s door while I was closing it a week later. So, I bought my third headphone, to which I maneuvered the same ‘caught in the car door’ thingy once again this week. Then, the shop was generous enough to trade one for me though. So, they gave me a new headphone today, which turned out to be pretty messed up given the balance between left ear and right ear is unstable and the static noise would come randomly. So, I do not know what this indicates but I bought three headphones and traded one headphone in one month and this will be my fifth trade.

So Translator is a conniving two faced low class backstabbing colleague of mine, who’s been creating mutiny and causing lots of issue at work. I find this quite insulting and offensive because you have people like me, who’s had enough stress on their own but always try to keep a good atmosphere at work, and you have people like her, who would do ANYTHING at work to bring down the mood. It’s also quite stupidly uneducatingly foolish for her to have worked for the government, wished for democracy but she herself has not earned enough trust for herself or her trust with anybody else. She’s a major Hitler of our time and I have no respect and whatsoever sympathy for a hypocrite of a bitch that I found out she can be. I feel really horrible for those colleagues who have been pretty much having so much issues and pretty much having a row at each other because of what this conniving low standard can do. She twists words and she plays with people’s head. God, I’m glad she’s gonna leave UN-Habitat soon. I seriously do NOT need the presence of a low class hypocrite in my life..

Listening to: The Wombats – Kill the director

The end of fairy tales

2010-12-20T15:07:00.000+11:00

Dog walking can be so tiring, especially when you have five out of six dogs who are craving for your love. Well, what about the sixth one? It started with twin white puppies and my driver ran over one of them with a red car. I guess the color red kinda inserted fear into the left of the twin and maybe I was wearing red when he first came to his senses, that dog hates my guts. He would just bark at me and run away whenever I chase after him. On the other hand, I was happy I was the centre of attention between PuppyGaga and TinyOne. They’re both UNtiny but when I play with PuppyGaga, TinyOne would growl and when I gave my attention to TinyOne, PuppyGaga would then become the growler.

The only best thing that came out of the office, apart from my colleagues feeling up my ass and rating my bums (yes, girls do that, people!!!), is the notion of who I really love. I mean, I used to believe in true love and real love and all that stuff. Then, I believed in going the extra miles; a self made card for Valentine’s Day and giving someone something you really cherish or value. I guess I’ve stepped to a different level when I’ve substituted my dreams of a perfect love life to an everlasting one with someone I’d want it with. Maybe I’ve come to my senses about how ‘being perfect’ is mythical and maybe I’ve matured on a skeptical ground, but I can say that I’m somehow a fighter who’s still fighting really hard for a love I’ve started and would never like to see it end. Sometimes, you gotta trade the most complex big things to get one simple thing:- the person you love.

I might not have the fairy tale kind of love or something anyone would dream of but I’m proud and pretty happy with what I’ve got. At least, I work hard to get it back with the one I love and I’m damn proud of that.

Listening to: Duffy - Mercy

Falooda day

2010-12-19T19:51:00.000+11:00

I’m so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. So so stupid. (God, I love copy and paste)

I blame it on waking up at 4am to go to the monastery with my aunt from LA, sleeping in between time til I lost track of time zones and going to a wedding. Got lovestruck and ended up emailing my ex a love note. See!!! I told you that’s stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Thank God for copy and paste buttons. Oh apparently, my mom said I whistle when I snore. That’s new!

I miss drinking. This would be the perfect moment to drink. I quit drinking since my ex was asked to stop and to make me steadier in the ‘no drinking’ zone, I’m doing the 81 days Buddhism rosary beads more seriously this time round with 81 days of NO ALCOHOL. I need 32 more days of sobriety but how the fuck would I do that with so much insanity around me. I feel like I’m living on a thread with my ex, being I feel like this monkey on a stage trying to make the best of it by doing the ‘right’ things according to him and at the same time, one would expect me to be calm and cool without a sip of wine. That’s just evil. For today, I’ve substituted red wine with falooda, some Indian dessert made of ice cream and pudding. But if I keep doing that, I’m gonna be old Oprah in like three days.

To cherry top the situation, I stupidly wrote him an “I still love you note”. ARGGHHH now how will I ever check my emails without my hands shaking. Go go gadget copy and paste. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid of me.

Listening to: Cliff Richard – Some people

Mid-life crisis

2010-12-18T19:48:00.000+11:00

If a blog was a traffic jam and I’m on a car on my way to work, today is the part where I whinge like an old cow who can’t give milk to its owner. Yes, I miss my ex. Can’t get him outta my head and the fact that my sister is doing a long distance relationship, checking her facebook and gmail in front of me kills me more. Sometimes, I wonder what he would be doing, how he would be feeling or how he could stay without talking to me while I twist and turn in my own misery. Ok, that was a lie. I might not be twisting and turning in my misery since I’m naturally not a sad kinda person for more than two days but I gotta admit my heart still burns like a tablecloth with hot coffee on it, spilled by some lousy clumsy lady.

So, my mom, knowing I’m gay and not ok with it but still supportive of my ‘twist and turn’ whingeing behavior, tried her very best to give me a pep talk. WHICH DOES NOT WORK. “I’ll find you a wife”. You know, I know my mom’s never to be a candidate in one of those ‘most tactful mother of the year’ award show but this was just tactless to the max. “Mom, I do NOT like vaginas”. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t want me to have a lonely life with a gay man without mini Heins. But Craig did believe in babies and maybe, another gay man would. Urgh. And this takes me back to a mid life crisis.

I’m not settled nor stable. So, people tell me to find someone new or fuck around. Well, given my career and the popularity of Hepatitis C in Myanmar, I find it hard to just kiss a commoner and get fucked cold with paparazzi; no, I’m not that popular but a column about a gay singer does come across a huge hit on newspapers stands. And find someone new? Are you kidding me? Let alone I can’t get rid of my ex in my head, how the fuck can I find anyone who would want me at this moment? A guy who’s waiting to get his PR to Australia and still on a temporary consultant position in UN, where he’s NOT happy working in. Seriously, I would never have dated me, let alone boyfriended me. So, the mid life crisis scares me to death and finding a new guy to get over things just bores me.

I mean, love does not just drop out of a mailbox like babies from pelicans. There isn’t any mythical thing about love. People die from it. People die trying to find it. People does not dare to formularize it. I really hate the fact that love is my weakness. I just can’t wait to be settled and maybe I can pay a boytoy to be my partner til death do us part and force his sperm to fuse with mine and live a single father life, trying to come up with stories to tell my kids about their mysterious mommy who wouldn’t exist.

God, I hate my life!!!!

Listening to: Fefe Dobson - Everything

My lifesavers

2010-12-17T19:47:00.002+11:00

I’ll be honest. I haven’t been pretty much healthy mentally. I think letting go of my ex was harder than it seems. Sometimes, when I’m about to let go and think I can move on, something is always there to remind me of him. So, despite the two strikes I’ve hurt him with, I’m pretty much scarred everywhere in any ways possible and guess what. The whole stubborn side of me still loves him. Healthy much?

So, mom and sis finally came back to Burma. It’s a nice feeling to see them again and even better to see them at peace with grandma and my aunt. The whole family fued in the past was just too much to take and at some point, I would get worried about what was gonna happen when they cross paths again in the future. Today was the day and there was no sign of conflicts.

I came back tired from work, as usual, thinking of you-know-who. Then, my grand-dad asked mom to help with the raffle tickets. My aunt always buy all these cheap-o-last-season stuffs from LA and whenever she comes back, she would put raffle numbers on them and make everyone or every guest who comes to the event draw raffle tickets FOC. Oh, I forgot to mention they’re actually here for the “event”, where we invite monks to preach the house and we do good stuffs and all that. We call it “Ka htein” in Burmese language but I like to treat this as a Christmas, given every member of my family’s back around me.

Helping out with the tickets eased my mind. From what normally is a flight up the stairs to watch movies after work, I ended up sitting on the floor in the living room helping my mom out and having some family time. All these times, I know why I’ve been so down and been pretty much dependent on my ex. I was in need of a family life. It’s been a while and being around my mom and sis once again made me feel a bit better at heart. It kinda made me feel occupied and today, I was feeling a bit better than the few nights before.

Mom and sis slept in my room and having a mom and a sister who could be like best friends towards you is awesome. Mom’s a big fan of buying big when it comes to food and watching her unpack lots of food, which could fill up a candy store for a week, was fun and talking about sex with my sis was just fucked up, yet funny. Both mom and I are not convinced that sis has a good sex life. So, I ended up showing her some of my ‘straight’ porn while I munched on seaweed sheets from mom’s food store NOT watching with her. I love them and they kinda save my life. I’ve never felt this complete in my life since the day I’ve lost my ex.

Listening to: Steps – Chain reaction

Appreciations

2010-12-16T15:06:00.004+11:00

It’s funny how my friend, KP, could come up with the best philosophy which could probably change my life. The funnier thing was how I could hear myself saying that to other people.

I went to KP’s house yesterday after work to record yet another episode of my radio show. After a car crash and my car breaking down, I was pretty much convinced that my life was at the lowest of the low. After the recording, KP and I sat down and had some menthol ciggies. I uttered out a bit of a truth I’ve been getting used to lately. My weakness. The usual happy Hein just couldn’t hold it back and I told him how breaking up with my ex has made me feel so alone in this world. This was when he said “You know what your problem is? You don’t appreciate what you have.” Now what he said works through different level.

DRR-DIAS Myanmar: Working in UN-Habitat, my main project is to work on a web-based assessment in a third world country, where the word ‘firewall’ is pretty common. Yesterday I encountered a huge error that caused me to halt the whole process. The worst thing was not knowing whether this error was caused by my wrong codes or the firewall which is not allowing things to happen. Worst of all, I’m not sure whether it’s the firewall from the UN or the country itself. Now, come to think of it, there are many people out there around me who’s jobless and who would die to work in the UN. Why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to actually be working on an assessment that means something, despite the fact that it won’t work or not.

Album pending: I still have yet to finish my album which has been taking more than a year now. My comeback after five years and my fifth album in the making, I was excited until all shit hits the fan and my music mixer is pretty much avoiding my phonecalls. Yes, it’s pretty unprofessional of him but there are people out there who wants to sing live on stage, let alone have an album out. Why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to actually be working on an album, which has been criticized by a lot of other professionals as a good breakthrough?

Love life: My ex has been my biggest lost of the year. Worst of all, it was because of me. A monogamous gay man who believes in having a family and who’s held onto me despite the distance, I kept wanting more from him til the point that it was almost impossible for him to be able to give more. Now, I’m left to square one with no one in sight and pretty much with no intention to actually even get back to wanting a somebody to hold me tight, wake up with or kiss just cos I feel like it. Despite the fact that the ghost of my ex still haunts me to sleepless nights and a sudden change in my social calendar full of cancellations for parties, why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to have experienced a love so true and good when a lot of people out there has ONLY written or dreamt about the love that I’ve shared with him? Let alone that, with what I’ve learnt from my mistakes, I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake again in the future.

I got a good life, a good family, an exciting unseen future and a good present which could enhance that. Although there are a lot of things I could still wish and hope for, isn’t it time I’m happy just being the way that I am? My ex boss slash best sister in Sydney once asked me if I were happy in Burma to which I’ve answered ‘no’ to. She told me it was important to be happy where I was no matter where it is cos I could just come back to Sydney and be sad like I was with my uni life. With so much potential to have such negative things happening around me, I’ve grabbed hold of the fact that I still have the brighter side to which I could learn to get used to.

KP amazes me sometimes. Thank you!

Listening to: Simply Red - Fairground

Dominique

2010-12-15T20:58:00.000+11:00

Being single and out of a five stars relationship is unhealthy when you have old women coming at you to ask if you’re married or not. “Are you married?” Whenever I said ‘no’, they would talk about their daughters. Three women had done that and one of their daughters is actually married. Now, who would talk about a married daughter to an available bachelor?

Five days ago, I was at a consultation and I saw this REALLY hot young man; yes, they’re rare in humanitarian consultations. So, there were around four foreigners and other twenty plus locals. I was in charge of copying the presentations onto their flash drives. One of them has the name “Dominique” on it and my colleague got all excited and asked me to try to give it to that young man. Since I didn’t see him after the consultation, I checked out his drive to find out a CV. I later found out that “Dominique” is a name of a chick but I got a phone number from there, to which I’ve called and Jeramo (his name) would come and collect the flash drive from me soon.

Today, one of my colleagues placed this huge fat flower on the top of my right ears and took pics of me. She thought it was funny; I was just bored and didn’t do anything about it. The flower got used to the skin and I forgot it was there and Jeramo entered the room to ask for the flash drive. He did not turn out to be that fine looking young man but the bald head “I thought he was” Italian who was sitting next to the prince charming. I noticed he wanted to laugh and then I noticed I had this huge flower on top of my right ears. Double epic fail!!!!

Maybe it was because of the flower but I heard that he crashed into a car in our UN compound car park after his trip to get his flash drive from the weird guy with the flower on his head. It’s not like I could do anything with any man at this moment anyways, with my pathetic mindset still fixated on my ex, but hey I can freely say “FML” for this day.

Listening to: Stereophonics – Have a nice day

Diplomacy vs. fake politeness and the hunt for white pussies

2010-12-08T18:40:00.001+11:00

Myanmar has this term “Aar nar de” (when translated means ‘hurts energy’), which literally means one feels bad. It actually was invented to boost politeness but somehow society has been misusing such words until it makes the word ‘diplomacy’ sound way more easy-listening. So, you’re working and someone higher than you on a hierarchical level asks you to do something before you can actually refuse. Diplomatically, one would try to be open and the best type would go for win win. Look, I got a huge pile of work but I’ll look into it. When’s the deadline? Maybe, I can pencil it in after this pile of work. Some honest people would just refuse, which would be the best choice but let’s stick to politeness at the moment. In terms of ‘energy hurt’, one would say ‘yes’, maybe after a short pause, and actually would bitch to his/her colleagues about how he didn’t want to do it and he only accepted it because he feels ‘energy hurt’. So, later on, he/she would be asked to do more while the asker misestimate his capacity and before you know it, work stress kicks in and BAM, the bottled up princess in him/her would swerve into a bitcharoo of crap talks and bad communications.

BubbleGum, a smiling man who knows how to get his ways by diplomacy, and Hawaiian, a mellow Burmese man who doesn’t know how to say ‘no’ while stuck on a hierarchical ladder. BubbleGum is an analyst from India and Hawaiian is a research expertise from Myanmar. Both men of the same level of abilities and experience meet me, a pretty polite bitch, might I add, also good looking compared to other bitches.

The background of it all is Hawaiian who had accepted to do work for BubbleGum despite the fact that he doesn’t really favor it. Before BubbleGum got to Myanmar, I ended up being the pimp daddy between these two. As a focal point in Myanmar, I ended up being seen as an easy man to clear clouds for BubbleGum, which he was very grateful for. A bitch at its best I was, I managed to bitch about Hawaiian to BubbleGum as soon as he got here. I mean, come on, who would actually give a questionnaire in Myanmar language to an Indian man, assuming he could sort things out on his own. BubbleGum is not dumb but seriously Hawaiian is a dumbass who thought BubbleGum would learn Myanmar language miraculously. So, I told BubbleGum about Hawaiian trying to sigh or be really unfriendly towards queries I’ve given, which I have derived directly from the man itself.

The meeting today was funny. You got BubbleGum with his diplomacy and I could kinda sense him praising me more than usual. I’m a natural blusher (despite the ACTUAL blush not appearing on my cheeks) but I just sat there with my arms folded with a face an English man would make on a biscuit tin box. The whole “Schmuck, I rather finish my crumpets while you wait to get me to do what you asked for” look. Everytime BubbleGum complimented, Hawaiian would cause this epic fail to look me in the eyes and would nod subconsciously without any verbal agreement. The funnier thing was how Hawaiian has this behavior of a sidekick to BubbleGum. “Yes, professor, I should learn more from you”. Now, you tell me if Robin would shut up if Batman told him that BatGirl is awesome. Given Robin is not jealous, he would agree and compliment the compliment. I caught Hawaiian’s eyes once in a while and he would look away. Coward, I wasn’t really impressed. After the meeting, BubbleGum told me how he was doing everything on purpose and how it was fun to make Hawaiian feel so awkward everytime BubbleGum complimented me. If I had counted right, he complimented me not less than five times.

So, diplomacy vs fake politeness. I rather chuck white lies to go for win win as opposed to lying at the first stage to only have to be awfully awkward when facing the music. Speaking of awkwardness, rather eccentric, BigSis asked me to hunt for a white pussy. Ok, fine, she did say ‘kitty’ but I think the flow ‘pussy’ sounds way funnier. So, as a present for her boyfriend, she decided to give him a white cat, which he also wanted. The hunt for a white pussy is not really that difficult since I have two stray white pussies who kept coming into my house. I could just hunt them down and hand them over to BigSis. However, in hopes of not fucking up my hernia-surgerized stitches while running after pussies or picking them up, I do worry about not being able to make it to getting her those two pussies before Christmas. Later, I found out that BigSis’s boyfriend does not like patches on white pussies and he wants a plain white pussies. White pussies in Myanmar is like Wally. I’ve never seen any white pussies before. It would either have a patch of gold, brown or black here and there. So, farewell to my pussy hunting mission, which would save my rank as a pooftah and also save my hernia stitches from exploding.

Listening to: My Chemical Romance - Cancer

BubbleGum’s preys

2010-12-07T14:19:00.001+11:00

I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to medications. Typical as it may sound, my prescription list after my surgery was a bit too long to memorize. With this amount of external chemicals inside my body system, I get hungry easily; well, mostly weak. Then, since some of the medicines must be taken after or before a meal, I end up finding an excuse to nibble on something despite my inner Hein asking me not to eat during the ‘you cannot jog in the evenings’ phase. Sorry, innerHein, I have to nibble on this bag of potato chips or I can end up foamed up like an overdosed celebrity. So, after a bag of potato chips, I had the right mood to blogify my new document of MicrosoftWords.

Excuse my lack of blogging during my PMS era but I forgot to mention BubbleGum is FINALLY in town. The analyst who I was supposed to help with was in town since last week. I was happy about his happy face despite his angry tone on emails. Emails are just so ever-deceiving; reading this, BooMan? Then, I got to learn how passionate this Indian expert is. Having worked with people like ToyBoss and BigSis, passionate colleagues are a major thumbs up and BubbleGum somehow managed to grab the ‘most impressive colleague of the month’ trophy despite his one week stay. I blame the system I was working under. Seriously, too much meetings, gentlemen!!! Where art thou, o’ God of Implementation? So, back to BubbleGum, he’s full of philosophies and he would start a sentence with ‘there’s a saying in ….’. It’s a wonder working with him but just like any Indian people who I’ve met, he’s not afraid to bargain.
“There you go, sir, I got this done”.
“Oh can you do this one more thing? You’re doing a great job!!”

I swear I have a Chinese blood in me but flattery gets me anywhere and I’m gonna quote what he said “Swe, your involvement has caused a QUANTUM LEAP and it has given me hope on my assessment”. Now, you give me one god-damn reason why it’s not fun to impress this man. BubbleGum and his way of getting things, such a passionate man and nice to work with.

Ok, here comes the BUT part. He happens to work in the meeting room which is the room beside our disaster risk ‘not really’ reduced small for 8 people office room. Given the water cooler is in the meeting room, it’s a huge chunk of challenge for us to get water whenever we’re thirsty. Some of us swallowed our saliva; some tried to swerve distraction to the fact that the internet is slow; some ignored it. Thirst is ONE thing our DRR room was not really humble about. We find ourselves scared shitless to go to the meeting room where BubbleGum is to get water from the water cooler.

There was even a mutiny of those ‘have gone to the meeting room’s who would ask help from those in the room who hasn’t gone under the arms of BubbleGum’s death wreath. MissMyanmar was the last victim to be asked to fill a cup of coffee and a water bottle while quenching her own thirst. BubbleGum hesitated at first and we were quite surprised but I think it was because of the time taken to fill the coffee cup and the water bottle, she was finally yet another prey of BubbleGum’s babbles.

He talks and talks and talks and talks and the worst thing is while he talks, he finds more tasks for us to do. With Maltesers and Angel on vacation (given they play pretty major roles in our office), minor tasks and small talks were not pretty much welcomed especially when one is trying to quench his/her thirst. If you think I’m exaggerating, get this. This is mainly because I have a huge appetite for H2O, I now know the South African handshake, BubbleGum’s wife’s favorite color for a laptop, Indian geography, Punjabee language and a lot more. All thanks to BubbleGum’s babbles whenever I would be filling my water bottle and not to forget the load of small tasks asked to do on my way back to my office cubicle.

He’s a great man and I highly respect him but I wish to see him next at a picnic as opposed to our ‘ever busy’ office room.

Listening to: 3oh!3 – Starrrstruck (feat. Katy Perry)

The trade

2010-12-06T14:22:00.002+11:00

There’s no hero in life. There’s no such thing as a savior. There’s no hope, nor justice. What’s right or wrong? Can we swerve the views of others to another side of one’s point of view? You got yourself though.

Some people try to save lives. Some try to save their loved ones. Some countries. Why bother going for a large population when you can’t even save yourself?

During my stay at the hospital, after they put me to lose consciousness, I noticed I wasn’t really fit to make a choice in life. I was depressed before my surgery. I didn’t even know whether it’s right or wrong to have it.

What started from a post-break up depression ended up in turmoil of never stopping domino effect of bad things one could ever imagine. Of course, people at war would see mine as a minor case. But, given the circumstances I was in, I felt pretty much dead when my checkup told me I had a viral count of 10 to the power 5 for hepatitis B inside of me, which could lure to liver cancer if I hadn’t done this check up. Then, the stomach acid reflux, which I got from the post break up, combined with work stress and the inevitable feeling of losing grip on things in life; my album pending, works piling and losing hold of someone you truly love, I ended up with hernia detected. The doctor suggested immediate surgery and all I could do at that moment was nod my head and said “If it’s for the better, I would do anything.” I have always wanted to give up in life but this time, I couldn’t really see the point of giving up. I felt like I’ve lived through hell and there was no turning back and nothing worse would make justice. So what if I let myself die? My funeral would be grand but a week later, I’m just a page in an obituary.

Waking up and gaining consciousness, the nurses let me up but since my wounds weren’t stitched, I woke up in my hospital gown to have blood flowing down my legs. I hate blood. I felt helpless but at that split second I just know that this is just yet another ball thrown in my face; yet another block of domino on its way down with the impact from the others behind it that had fallen.

I regained sanity today at work after a surgery, a break up, losing work and my pending album work. I’m not a loser. I’ve come this far to lose it all. There was only one way to start anew.

I’m kinda glad my boyfriend was pretty much unimaginably supportive when I got back to chatting to him. Seeing his chatbox pop up made me think of my past. I bit my lips and I tried to talk normal but I tried my hardest to be as honest as I could. I can’t do it as friends. I can love him as a person but the fact that I’ve committed myself to a love I have never felt for anyone will not really be able to suffice me being his friend. I was surprised when he said we’re still on. A pity fuck online? A good future promise? Not caring to read between the lines, I left the office room and cried in the toilet. I looked down at my work shirt and I saw blood stains on my work shirt from the tucked in part where the iodine had stained with the left over blood from my stitched wound.

This is it for me. With a healed heart with a boyfriend with a past and an uncertainty for the future, with two stitched holes in my body, with two hands tired from catching up with work and with a sense of patience and business talk to convince my mixing engineer to work faster, I was once ready again to be reborn. This was my only way of getting back up.

I was an insecure bastard full of pride, who’s taken comfort in taking the negativities of my genes. My mother’s insecurities, my father’s careless way of living life, my grandmother’s suicidal habits and my grand-dad’s anger. I was ready to trade those for the best strength I have in every bones of my body.

Lack of grudge from my mother, my dad’s happy-go-lucky sense of humor, my grandmother’s bravery and my grand-dad’s persistency. I am not saying my life is gonna be a bed of roses but I just know that I’m able to fight anything that comes to me with these. I have to admit I feel a bit weak at the moment but once these wounds heal, just watch me shine. I’m gonna shine for the real person that I am and not for people to think “Hein is a cool person”.

I’m a nice person. About time I live up to it.

Listening to: Secondhand Serenade – World turns

Exhaustion comes in number

2010-11-24T14:02:00.002+11:00

Life is pretty unfair sometimes. I mean, I’m not complaining about the mishaps that have happened to me since a week ago but I just wish it all doesn’t come in one big go.

I knew this week was gonna be busy but I was never ready to face it on my own. It’s true I fucked up my relationship/trust with my boyfriend (well, ex) and it’s true there’s no way to convince him that I do in fact feel stupid and pretty much wanna get back to where we were before with him at this phase. I’ve started to ignore my friends because I can’t stand having to talk about my breakup, especially when I know I’m the one who’s in the wrong. Naturally I couldn’t stop blaming myself ever since.

Office in the morning, studio in the night until 2am and 4 hours sleep to get back to work, where I’m asked to do lots of things in one go. Why this week? I was pretty much free most of the time when I wasn’t single. And why does this trip to the beach have to be in two days? Why am I not looking forward to it? Shouldn’t divorcees take deep breaths and continue their lives with a trip with their friends?

I don’t know. I feel so lost and alone and I have no clue who to ask hugs from. I just hope things would come slowly if they were meant to fuck me up more, emotionally and physically. How long can I stand this exhaustion? How long can I take this? How long can I keep acting strong?

Who knows? I’ve lost my inner voice already it’s only stupid enough to keep questioning myself. I’m so tired. I just want to rest somewhere now for a day.. for a week.. maybe for a long period of time..

The only thing that's worse than one is none

2010-11-23T15:49:00.001+11:00

In Between

S. Hein

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Some songs mean so much sense when they're written for you.