The fall of motivation

If there’s anything at work that’s pushing me onwards, it’s Maltesers and me being me. I do not like where I’m working at and I’m not ashamed to say it. I think my boss has a weird way of managing. It might be good for others but it totally does not click with me. Maltesers, on the other hand, is a friend of mine but also plays a very good role of being a good supervisor for me.

I was told today that I would have to go to Sittwe on this Sunday for the whole week. Soon much? I was a bit agitated actually but I was also excited given this means I would be free from stupid work emails I get. Work, to me, right now, is a place full of people who are just so unmotivated to make things happen and who just work for the sake of getting paid and I do not think these people are to blamed actually. The boss himself has been pretty stressed out understandably but then it does not mean he should lack his effort in follow ups. I have emails unread by him and I just don’t think the place I’m working in right now is systematic. It’s a mess and it’s all out of place.

To make things worse, even without me bitching about work to my workmates, I found a lot of my workmates who are totally unhappy at work and who don’t give a shit anymore. Maybe I should join that clan.

Listening to: Paris Avenue – I want you

Bunny on my wall

It amazes me how some celebrities are so snobby but how some of them are so not. I like to think myself as one of those unsnobby one since I’ve once told Sithu Lwin that I was his biggest fan in men’s toilet, while drunk. I have also fake drunk at 50th street’s staircase and I let those bartenders call me “Khant Sithu”, this actor who looks like me. So, I don’t think I’m NOWHERE near snobby. I might have a lot of expectations for those around me though but I can’t care less to have fun or be myself in front of others.

So, Bunny Phyo is this most famous RnB up and rising singer. I know this because I have heard his songs in internet cafes and at first I really like it but due to the users keeping this song on repeat in internet cafes, I kinda got sick of that song but my first impression of his song is honestly wow.

His style of music kinda brings the new RnB with the old. As much as I could see him struggling to be part of the new RnB clan, I could feel a bit of a basketball hooped slow jams like Aaliyah or Boyz II Men. So, I do respect him anyways.

He wrote on my wall on my Facebook music page, which was just amazing. First of all, it is a big boost to my fan base given now I’ll be advocating his fans as well and vice versa. Second, he’s THE actual real deal current star and I feel more than honored to have him write on my wall about how good my album is and ACTUALLY specifying which songs. Third, now I know he’s not one of those snobby bitches.

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson – A moment like this

Sold out

I’m not a big fan of Angel at work but what she said to me totally made my day and I couldn’t contain myself to find out that my album actually sold out in MyayNeGone City mart.

First of all, it might be a small inventory. Maybe, it’s like four or five albums distributed to sell at that record store but amidst all these albums not being able to sell during the ‘piracy’ era, I find it quite honoring and awesome that they sold out be it four or five CD’s. Finally, I could live the success.

To make things better, while recording Crazy DJ for KP at his place, he told me how he will start semi-managing me and he will find gigs for me. It’s just awesome to have a friend who would do things for you at times.

Listening to: Annie Lennox – Love song for a vampire

Green grass

Since NOL is out of the hospital, I can finally arrange what he’s wanted to do since the day the lower half of his body got paralyzed. Seeing on bed on Friday was quite annoyingly saddening and having an uncle who have been paralyzed for 13 years, I feel nothing but empathy and the temptation to help him out as much as I can is just deadly boiling inside of me.

I picked up my fortuneteller and went to his place. His mother and family were there and his little gay friend was there as well. It was pleasant to hear views about my billboard looking hot especially from gay guys. Ok, back to the story, as I’ve suspected, NOL’s case was a voodoo. It’s not like I do not believe the fortune teller but it’s also because I find it hard to believe that we are living in a world where black magic or voodoo is not done. That’s just bullshit when it’s still practiced no matter how un-third world the country is. If it’s any consolation at all, it does feel great to have a feeling of you got rid of it as opposed to you not knowing what causes some mishaps in your life.

I managed to squeeze in for a session with the fortuneteller, given I can come across as a big fanatic of going to fortune tellers. The funny thing was how I couldn’t come up with any questions. I’m just too happy with what I’ve got at the moment, be it good or bad. Maybe I’m not in Australia, maybe I’m not with BooMan anymore, maybe I lost my chance to even start anything with wifeyD and maybe things are not going well around me, but I can’t help being content with what I’ve got and kinda more focused on what’s happening now rather than what’s going to happen or what has happened.

I did meet up with GoldFish at night. Sad but true but I know that this kid has a HUGE crush on me and to make things worse, he’s still 20 and he has a mindset of a game playing ‘in love’ person, the types you would see in Asian drama movies.

I might have a sick friend and I know I’ll be accused as someone who leads a twenty year old boy on but I can’t help being happy about the fact that I got nothing to ask the fortuneteller. Maybe, I’m finally thinking the green is actually green on my side too and it’s just a trick of light to make it green on the other side.

Listening to: Estelle – American boy

Interview with the celebrity with a hangover

Unaware and pretty much drunk, I managed to drag my ass to the radio station for an interview with City FM. The first interview went well since it was all a repetition of information about my album. I thought that was pretty much it until they handed out three more papers.

Health papers
So, of all the celebrities they could’ve interviewed, they interviewed about health. Hepatitis B positive although it is not contagious (thank god), a binge-eater and fresh from last night’s drinkage (arriving home at 7am in the morning and sleeping from 8am until 11am), I was totally not a fit candidate for this interview. I tried my very best to answer honestly and not to overstate nor understate any self-observatory facts.

Love papers
So, for health and my album related interviews, they still have someone who was asking me, which means I was sitting with an interviewer with her talking to me as well. The love paper was different. I had to keep babbling things on my own while answering all of the questions written on the paper. I don’t know much about love and I mentioned it straight away that I cannot define its meaning. However, I tried to encourage everyone to just go with the flow and not to theorize everything they encounter.

Hate papers
This paper was all about heartbreak. So, what do I do when a heart breaks? Do I handle break ups well? Am I the breaker or the breakee? I guess this was my department and I mentioned it to the audience as well that I’m freshly broken from a 10 months relationship last November. I said it like I see it. About how it’s useless for friends to expect you to do everything they ask you to do given you are in a vulnerable state to think right and you will not listen to anyone but yourself. I also mentioned how I now believe that there are more than one ‘the one’ in our lives.

Not sure if it’s the alcohol or the interview but it was not that bad to answer opinionated questions drunk.

Listening to: Nicki Minaj – Right through me

Threesome domino

Ever wonder how the domino blocks would feel like if they were allowed to have emotions and an ability to speak? Especially when they are arranged to fall with their heads on one’s toe in front of them?

Head first on someone’s feet while one’s head is on yours, sometimes I wonder if karma would be laughing at me at this minute. GoldFish finally hinted that he liked me. He did not literally say it but after a few conversations that involve a lot of his imagination with me in his mental pictures, he admitted he was not really happy that I would leave him one day. Now, you tell me what part of platonic measure does his phrase lay. If I have to lower down my intelligence and pretend that this is all happening between two friends, I wouldn’t know any more indications I should give if I want to go further beyond friends, be it sex or a relationship.

I wouldn’t know any more indications I should give to KiwiMan as well. Maybe not as heavy as GoldFish was feeling for me but I was so tempted to make a move on KiwiMan given it was his second last day in Myanmar. Why does he give me attention and his time of day. A conversation leaned towards me between me and this other Kiwi dude, a pool game where we both nearly won but he blamed it on the girls getting my attention whilst playing and following me and X (yes, the Myanmar Jewish girl in my other blog entries) to an after-pub breakfast at 4am in the morning when he could’ve just gone home.

Both GoldFish and I felt the same confusion about the term ‘platonic’, especially the ‘gay’ talk never got in the way. One of my good friends from Sydney mentioned not to care about the gender preference and I fully agree. However, we do find ourselves quite lost in the whole game when it comes to not knowing how much more you can pace forward between the other guy and you. I have never mentioned about me being gay to GoldFish and I tease him a couple of times but I expect him to know that I’m single, gay and available. Sometimes, I wonder if KiwiMan is doing the same thing as I’m doing to GoldFish.

Like three domino pieces, my head falls on KiwiMan’s feet while GoldFish rests his on mine. At the end of day, three of us mean no harm and worst of all, three of us are never meant to be.

Listening to: Brian McFadden – Mistakes (feat. Delta Goodrem)

Bureaucracy maze

Is development dependent only on the man leading the system? I’m afraid it’s not. As much as we like to blame others for dissatisfaction, it’s exactly you or any other complainers who can do something about it rather than the dude who leads the system.

Passport extension has never been this destructive to one’s weekday. There I was, today, happy with the patch-up I had with my boss. I’ve come to realize how my boss is bad at managing but it can only be better if only the people working for him gives half a shit about what they’re doing at work. Well, I would say ‘some’ since I know of some people at my workplace who’s actually in control of what they have to do and how they’re going to be doing it.

I took a lunch break hoping the passport extending bureaucracy would only take an hour or upmost an hour and a half but it resulted in two and a half hours of going through a maze. I went there with one of these girls who work with my grand-dad and despite the fact that there was nothing I could do to help, I hate it when she kept assuring those people in uniform at the department that my grand-dad used to work for the country before. I just felt like I was taking advantage.

After several trips of three levels of crowds of people and rude service, I realized that blaming the service is just ridiculous no matter how rude they were. I mean, first of all, they have to sit behind the counter all day to deal with people who would do ANYTHING to squeeze an extra from them. Begging, complaining or finger pointing to cheat through bureaucracy, it’s not always the people behind the counter who’s the asshole but the people themselves who are being assholes.

Want a good system? Don’t break the one we’ve got for now.

Listening to: Ke$ha – Blow

Cats and dogs

So, grass is always greener on the other side and maybe my action towards my working place is just part of my version of that. As I was starting to find some fitting in done in my working place where I accept that my boss has bad management skills which can be balanced by the good management from my supervisor and as I start to feel the wetness of the greener grass I was sitting on at work despite the difficulty of stains on my pants, someone pooed on this green grass today.

Angel, who works with me and who’s one of those international seniors have always been using me as a messenger to help her out with those around her she doesn’t want to directly communicate with. I do not really like the way she works but who was I to judge, right? Somehow, one of the dudes working for her, who is actually one of my very good colleagues, emailed a resignation email and refused to show up to work. Shocking yet foreseeable.

I somehow could foresee a lot of things coming my way so I emailed my big boss about setting my roles and priorities right and somehow I got an email semi-assuring me that I no longer need to work on my priorities working with Angel. Somehow, Angel kept bugging me with lots of tasks from her so I emailed her saying I need to do other stuffs.

This was when she went all catty and mentioned how she could have also said she needs to do other stuffs as well, to which I replied was the reason why I emailed the big boss about setting my roles and priorities right. She replied with a “Today is a day of surprises”, which I figured she was referring to my colleagues resigning while working under her. I’m also guessing me not helping her is surprising for her as well. I replied that with a bitchy remark of “and also a day of clarity”.

It was raining cats and dogs outside and somehow the cat at work finally meets the bitch at work. I still do not have any anger towards her to be honest but somehow I was disappointed at her immaturity when it comes to getting what she wants and swerving it in such a catty way, which actually defeats any menopausal ladies’ depressive bitter mockery on pleasant things in life.

Climate change is spoken of at work and I guess the whole climate at work has started to shift a huge level with people dropping out and frenemies formed internally. How long can we last as an entity? The saddest thing is how I really hope Maltesers does not get involved in any of these since her patriotism towards her working place, which I respect, can somehow transform her into a villain which I 100% believe she isn’t.

Listening to: Bjork – I miss you

Karma is a motherf**ker

My grandmother never hesitates to tell me to make sure I pray for the best for those who hurt my feelings. Easier said than done. I mean, how in the world can we ever forgive others enough to be able to wish them well ‘genuinely’ when we know that they have done a lot of things to hurt our feelings? Let’s just say it’s possible and it happened today.

I am currently working on a website for my organization, “Org H”, and it has been a long time since I’ve started working on it. Last two months ago, Org A and Org M came up with the same idea but they’re linking with Org C. Org C, itself, acts as a resource bank of data from all the agencies and it has been there for quite some time. Let’s just say Org C is the bomb diggity of all information from all the humanitarian/development agencies existent in Myanmar.

Obviously, Org A and Org M have a huge advantage over us since it’s linked with something that has already existed and they were acting as ‘assisting’ or ‘revamping’ Org C’s website. I went to their workshop and found out that Org A, Org M and we can work together as one. I mean, Org C is the queen of resource pool and we have the interactivity advantage. So, we working together would be just perfect.

I was given a ‘verbal’ invite to the meeting today by Org A, claiming they needed me there to back them up on our collaboration. The dude from Org A asked me for a presentation that I gave last Friday for reference yesterday and I gave it to him because I was gonna give it to the other agencies anyways. So, at the meeting today, Org A and Org M asked me to give the presentation impromptu and I wasn’t told about the existence of the Government officials in the room.

In another ‘undiplomatic’ word, I was locked down in a meeting by my so called ‘partners’, who turned out to be my ‘rivals’ intentionally. I was cornered as I was giving the presentation about how it would be better for us to delete/decrease the functions whilst I was trying my best to explain how we could collaborate.

Ignoring the unethical cornering from my frenemies, I stuck to my virtue about how we can collaborate. After my presentation, Org A and Org M gave their presentation and I guess to their surprise, I supported them from A to Z, ignoring that they have totally cornered me and tried to fuck up my presentation about my website.

Miraculously, greed got in the way for Org A while he was explaining his website revamping of Org C in such a way that he has stepped over the line of their abilities. Now, I’ve never asked for competition and I genuinely offered to help them since I was gonna get the data they wanted anyways. I even offered to give them the credit. I was glad when Org C decided to agree that we, Org H, was needed indeed to help these two frenemies of mine.

As my grandma has taught me, I stuck to my beliefs and I believed for the best. Win win at its best, I’ve managed to get out of a meeting where they tried to corner me and get me down unprofessionally with pride, faith and hope while grabbing my balls I’ve built to last any incoming unprofessional immature traits from other agencies in the future. The morale of this story is not to be fooled by so called ‘professional’ agencies directors or leads no matter how they have been working for a long time in this industry. It’s only been a year for me and I guess sticking to the actual win win has caused me to think that monopolizing and manipulating others as an advantage to oneself while trying to make others believe that one is doing for the advantage of saving other lives does not last long. Karma’s a bad motherfucker! Want a tissue?

Listening to: The Beautiful South – Dream a little dream

Not my kind of boss

How unprofessional can one be if he should blog about how bad his boss is!!!! However, given this blog does not involve any usage of backspace and given this blog entry is just about the end of clickage between me and my boss, this blog entry contains nothing bad about my boss. Just the right kind of wrong that one can suffice and one can’t. I’m team ‘can’t suffice’!

So, the more I work with my boss, the more I know of his tricks. It’s not always easy to not appreciate tricks from bosses since it’s awesome to learn how one deals with issues. However, the way my boss deals with issues, in my opinion, does not really impress my ‘respect’ ratings for him.

So, my boss is really good at diplomacy as a verbal weapon. I’ve been pretty honest with how I feel at work and to these, he’s responded with ultra diplomacy. Honest, genuine and caring and not scared to apologize, how can any employee not like that kind of boss? He mentioned once in the meeting how he expects people in his org to learn and he does not want to spoon feed.

My boss was faced with some issues today. To me, it was his lack of follow ups and his majorly bad management skills. It’s not like he’s not smart. He’s a very smart man but when it comes to giving time, he’s very stingy and the worst is how he would never stay up to date or make time for what’s happening under him until the very end when things have gone a bit haywired. To make things worse, I’ve never felt encouraged by my boss and he’s never given an impression that he knows which pie he has poked his finger in that I was talking about whenever we have to clear things to save our asses and most importantly the whole organization’s ass.

I’m not saying he’s wrong. Maybe one can stand his type of management and I believe there are loyal people who will stick to his way of working. However, I believe that a good boss to me is someone who’s on track with things and who is able to lead with a notion of what his staffs are talking about. Yes, my boss right now does not have time but is it too much to ask to give an extra effort in giving his staffs more time?

I’m seriously thinking of looking for a new job….. sorry boss!

Listening to: Jack Johnson – Rodeo clowns

The final days of Gaydar

Nobody wants to start the month of May with uncertainty but I guess I’ll have to break that rule in indulging the readers in yet another adventures of Hein at a coffee table with a cute guy.

Surprisingly KiwiMan showed up around 3:30pm after GermanChick and I asked him to come at 3pm to have coffee with us. So, KiwiMan is from New Zealand but he’s lived in Australia before and in Australia, some men are just major friendly at first sight. It’s annoying to the point where we, gay guys, completely lost track of the screws and bolts in our effective machine, gaydar. For some reason, the gaydar beeps a friendly signal around these str8 boys only to find out later that they are, in fact, not really into penis at all. Disappointment at its best, the gay boys come home with a realization that they’ve been having the best talks they’ve had in years with a rug eater.

KiwiMan, I’m afraid, would end up to be like these men but thanks once again to GermanChick, I somehow find a glimpse of hope in him. After GermanChick went home around 5pm, KiwiMan stayed and talked to me for three whole hours and we ended up going home only around 8pm. Now, I know I’m being a bit too crazily biased here but how many straight men would spend 4 and a half hours talking with a gay man one on one at a coffee table. It’s possible, I know, but we hardly knew each other and it’s only been one day since I got to know KiwiMan.

The going home was even more intolerable when he initiated the hug when I decided to let him slip without hugging him and him trying to fix yet another date to have with me asking me ‘are you free during the weekdays?’. KiwiMan is totally not one of those ‘no friends’ type but it seems like he’s enjoying spending time with me and it kills me only because I’m becoming more and more interested in him, leaning towards me strengthening the thoughts of his possible conversion from a muff eater to a fudge packer.

Can all of my fagfriends help me out here? Do you feel how I feel? Or have I turned way more desperate enough to be interested in a straight man with two failed marriages with two women. Yes, vagina, people… vagina!!!

Listening to: The Strokes – Hard to explain

Ki'wizz'd

One press conference and one radio interview later with one more radio interview to come, I find myself quite chilled and content at 50th street when I went and gave my poster and CD to the bartenders at 50th street. As I was signing the poster, I could feel someone watching me from the corner of my right eye. Little do I know that he was gonna be my good friend a few hours later.

I might be naïve or pretty lame but I love making friends from pubs. People who talk a lot and a conversation that doesn’t need to be prolonged, it’s just refreshing how one can find such company from a drink or two. Sober I was, I started talking to this guy who was eyeing me signing my poster.

After a few minutes of a good bounce back and forth conversation, I learnt that he’s a Kiwi living the life of ‘Eat Pray and Love’ in Myanmar. Once a trumpeter and now just enjoying his free life as a traveler searching for answers in his life, it was nice to talk about life in general. The conversation got deeper and deeper by the minutes and it was just amazing to see KiwiMan still indulged in spending time talking about life theories. As I kept talking, I started to realize that this was probably the best conversation I’ve had with a guy in a bar and it was quite annoying that he was good looking (VERY good looking) and not gay. He broke up with his wife and I had some break ups in my life. I hated the Julia Roberts movie and he loves it enough to buy himself a dvd.

It was all cool until GermanChick came and she told me how she thought this guy was into me. He’s straight as an arrow but I can’t help wondering what GermanChick was true or not given KiwiMan, maybe due to his drinks, was beginning to get comfortable and started being a bit of a ‘push and shove’r towards the end. And it also sucks that GermanChick was studying us and she said that she could feel like he could be so good for me. The truth is I like him a lot but I just had to keep telling myself that he’s not gay.

Seriously, sometimes it makes me wonder why we all need to label ourselves and is it wrong to like someone regardless of his/her gender through a good conversation?

Listening to: Bjork – Play dead

Biography

So, my album’s finally out. Seeing the huge billboard of me and posters of me made me feel nostalgic of my last album release, which was seven years ago.

The past
As much as I hate to admit it, I was never fond of my past as a singer. I would get embarrassed when people who didn’t know me refer to me as a Myanmar Justin Timberlake or a pop icon. I mean, I think popularity in Myanmar is based on album sales and the shows performed. In all honesty, none of my albums in the past made it big nor I had to sing in a lot of shows. I might be known because I came out as one of the youngest singers in Myanmar during the era where the youngest would be only around the twenties. So, somehow I feel a bit jaded when my friends get the idea that I’m this rockstar who’s released four albums in the past.

The present
I’m proud of this album only because I worked on it on my own. Of course, I had a bit of help from here and there from my friends but everything in this album had to run by my decision to do things or not. It’s all about me as well as I’ve written most of the songs, thus my album being named ‘Biography’. At the risk of sounding like a show off, I’m glad to say that I’m quite proud of this album.

The future
The future looks quite trickily unpredictable. Only because the audience these days have become too educated and curious in more than one genre of music. Before, it used to be one guy who made it big and everyone liking that guy or anyone who can perform like him. However, it seems like a great opportunity to experiment my types of music but at the same time, it’s normal to be nervous, I guess, about the acceptance I might get or not get from the audience.

Nonetheless, what’s done is done and all I need to do is to wait for what’s to come out of this Biography album.

Listening to: Britney Spears – Womanizer

Spotlight theory

The thought of trying to finish a radio show while getting ready for a presentation for the day after seems scary but then again, it’s no use complaining about it. At times, though we all hate it, we gotta use our ‘spotlight’ theory in life.

I named this theory ‘spotlight’ since I derived this theory from a talent show when I was 9. I was asked to perform a song at school by my grandparents, which I was totally fine with. It was all cool until I had to go up the stage and with the spotlight beaming at my face and the audience expecting me to sing a song, it was only useless to chicken out or fail on stage. I felt like running away or crying in the corner fearing that these people will laugh at my performance but then again, me doing that would enable them to laugh at me more and even worse, they would think that I do not have the guts to do it.

Amidst my busy schedule and my fear of not finishing my deliverables on time, I guess applying this theory made me better. I’m already in the middle of a trap so it’s only fair I soldier on no matter how much bad feedbacks I’m gonna get, at least I’ll get respect for trying to break the chains.

Listening to: Massive Attack – Risingson

Diplomacy through a poster

Diplomacy, to me, is just a way to pick out a positive attribute of something/someone to get what you want and to give them what they want at the same time. Sometimes, it’s treated in such a way that people often forget about the simplest solution to diplomacy is forgiveness and avoiding the past to affect the present.

Translator is a good respected employee, I have to admit, and there hasn’t been any meat between her and me. Maybe what she says in meeting affects us all as a whole but somehow I find it hard to hate her or even have a negative feelings towards her.

Knowing I have to give a presentation this Friday in a meeting she leads, I managed to go up to her office to give her my poster for my album. It was nice to be able to talk nice with her again. After all, at the end of day, work shouldn’t affect the way we are towards each other. Maybe she could be this big bitch at work and maybe she has the rights to be but nonetheless, I believe that this should not destroy our friendship. She’s a good lady to be honest.

Gaining diplomacy through a poster and a reunion with an ex staff from my workgroup, I marched home proudly with a knowing that I do NOT let work get in the way of comfort. It’s tough to have passion in what you do when what you do is pretty much decided and judged by several groups. Only fair you don’t get things your way. Why waste time dwelling on one failure when you have more to come and implement.

Listening to: lady Gaga - Judas

Mmm Papi

We all love getting attention while flirting with a cute guy/girl and we all enjoy given the time of day. Keeping sex and exclusivity aside, it’s the phase of butterflies in one’s stomach when we don’t know what’s yet to come or what’s happening in a flirtage between two individuals.

It was all good between GoldFish and me UNTIL he decided that it would be funky to call me ‘Fhay fhay’ (a cute version to call me dad in Burmese). So, whenever he refers to me as ‘fhay fhay’, I am constantly reminded about our age gap of ten years, him being 20 and me being 30. Then, it also reminds me how much cheese the context contains and how I’ve grown out of teenage role plays. To make things worse, when he jokes about making me treat him to dinner or lunch, I feel like I’ve reached the age to become an official sugar daddy for a teen gay boy!

So, if I were to have a huge boner around GoldFish, limpage would totally strike as soon as he calls me ‘fhay fhay’. I am still trying to make him stop calling me that by calling myself ‘ako’ (big brother) and calling him by his name but he still refuses to drop the father-and-son act. Seriously, how will we ever get to have sex if we were supposed to? Or have I got myself engaged in a teenage gay love story, where sex without exclusivity is seen as a sin and the whole constant dependency.

OMG! Kill me now… but then again, if there’s anyone using anyone to an advantage, it’s probably me who’s been getting free radio interviews and media attention via this kid. He he.. who’s the sugar daddy now!!!!

Listening to: Rihanna – What’s my name (feat. Drake)

Hi, my name is Hein and I'm an .....

My uncle is paralyzed from his hips down and I know a lot of people who are diagnosed with HIV. I’m cool with them and I’ve taught myself how to not take them with sympathy but just treat it like a common cold or flu that they have. However, I don’t really know how to react to someone who’s been walking fine around me and younger than me, who’s paralyzed from his hips down and diagnosed with HIV.

My gay friend was diagnosed with HIV a while ago and I am not to know this but I heard from a close friend that in fact he IS diagnosed with HIV. However, I chose to shrug it off until I was confirmed by another friend of mine, who has nothing to do with the first friend. So, my gay friend has HIV.

He’s in the hospital now because he drank too much until the point that his brain cells could not really respond to anything for his legs. He also said it was because of the weather as well. So, the past few days, I’ve been waking up early and taking shower without the heater on, drinking after work, coming back home at 3am to take shower without heater again.

So, in order to avoid the risk of a possible brain hemmorage (like my dad) and paralysis (like my friend) in the future, I think it’s about time I do not binge-do things anymore. It’s just so scary if you think about it….

Listening to: Fool’s Garden - Suzy

Illusional throne

This kid called GoldFish added me on facebook sometime ago. I thought he was cute and judging from his pics, I knew he works in a radio station. GoldFish arranged an interview for me with his radio station today and it was weird to be a public figure again.

I tried so hard to maintain my manner and to be superficially and phoney fair but it didn’t work. Polite, yes I was but neutral, I was not. I was highly opinionated and quite honest about things I answered. It was a very relaxed and simple interview so it wasn’t that bad.

During the water festival, I blogged about how this media dude was pissed off with me. I was glad to find out that I was not the only one. He also called KP and KC to sing at his mandat (stage) but both of them didn’t go, without contacting him back. I guess the media dude got frustrated and kinda just had a spazz attack at me.

It’s one thing to be the most respected one and to be on top but once you start to lose seeing the ground, that’s when you have to know you have to get back down to figure your way or else you’ll get lost on top. I don’t know what the media dude expected but given things have totally developed in the music industry with existence of contracts and legal issues involved, it’s not desirable to make someone come and perform on your stage after one day of notice pro bono. My reason was because I did not want to perform before my album gets out. I didn’t mind performing pro bono or the short notice.

With the type of people who are kind and respectful and professional like the guys at the radio station, it’s not that long now until the media dude can easily lost his throne. Tough luck but there’s no such thing as ‘number 1’ in life. Knowing you’re number 1 is the day you actually lose track of everything in life and start to decline your way down.

Listening to: Jason Mraz – You and I both

Reminders

Sometimes, we gotta remind ourselves of those things we have forgotten which had happened in the past that had made so much impact but somehow got lost somewhere between now and then.

I haven’t been talking much to my grandmother for so long since I’ve been pretty depressed at home and kinda sick about how everything we talked about as a family was of my career. Talking about my album as soon as I come back from work or before I go to work is just intolerable at times. However, it was her birthday today and this was the first ever time I treated my grandparents and my uncle to a dinner. It felt good to see my grandma so happy as she finished three glasses of wine with a ciggie halfway, which I’ve never seen happened before. She was having fun.

It’s weird how LKing from Sydney was in Yangon with his girlfriend, MissL. It’s just even weirder that LKing and I have never ever been so closed when we were in uni but somehow after talking to his girlfriend, MissL, I found out how he likes me and it was sweet that he chose to contact me while he was on a holiday trip to Myanmar. I hung out with him and his other friend he came to Myanmar with and discovered how I’ve been totally not comfortable with hanging out with those who are actually nice to me. I don’t really know why I have never talked more to LKing. Despite the fact that we both are from the nerdy IT department, which means 60% of the students don’t click with me, LKing was nowhere near any nerds I know. Honest and cynically funny and really kind, I couldn’t think why I’ve never made more than a ‘hello’ and ‘bye’ talks with him. It was nice to have drinks with him as I was reminded of how I nearly lost good friends if it wasn’t for this catch up.

While drinking at 50th street with LKing, I managed to make new friends and whenever those girls gave me true compliments like ‘you’re cute’, I get reminded of how I’ve never accepted that. It’s true anyone can just chuck a ‘you’re cute’ and it can be phoney as well but these girls were really indulged in their own conversation at first. Given I was nasty and dirty minded, some even gave me weird looks. Somehow along the end of the night, they have accepted me and came to agreement that I’m cute and that they wanted to hang out more with me.

It’s amazing how one’s memory works. All these things I was reminded of today have always been in my head but somehow I have chosen to forget it or never thought about it. Having a good family, good friends and a good person as myself, these three are the things I’ve managed to ignore most of the time I’ve been dramatizing and feeling sorry about myself.

Listening to: John Mayer – Stop this train

Seeing double

It’s true I’ve been seeing a lot of gay guys lately around me and it’s true I’ve been getting attention and compliments from them but they come with company. Whenever I see a gay guy I could start a conversation with, it won’t be that long until I see another guy with him.

Afterwork drink has never been this fun at 50th street. Anybody who’s anybody was there. I guess it was the revival after the new year’s holidays that made most of the expats I know to be present. Strange thing was how there were a couple of gay men as well. It’s not everytime I went to 50th street that I see one gay guy, let alone more than one. KingB was there but I had much more fun talking about aliens with his boyfriend, who needs a name in my blog now. KingT would be good. KingT and I were talking about things I would normally talk about only when I get high. The Israeli crew was there as well with two-four gay men with them.

As I’ve mentioned before, they were all in even numbers. It’s not that bad to be honest but I’m not sure what the universe is trying to tell me. Are all good gay men taken? Am I to not ever hope for any gay man to be my significant other? Does this mean I’m gonna find my ‘one’ soon? If God created signs, why could he not have created something simpler for the recipients to understand the signs or who/what is giving them? That would’ve made things so much easier.

Listening to: Danity Kane – Damaged

History repeated

Call it co-incidence but somehow, Jersualem’s hindu chanting that can be understood by the universe to attract men and health has been working 50%, given I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedbacks from men but not the wealth but it’s not like I wanted wealth as much as I wanted men.

Yesterday night, my friend who I became friends with during Thingyan, who came back from the States a week ago, MissHeart, told me how she was trying to get the stuffs back from the male model we met during Thingyan and he said he would give it to me. Ok, what was that about? He could’ve given to Mich who he’s closer with. So, am I to meet this dude again? Then, we got this guy who I tried to sleep with on Sunday but ended up not and pushing him away from me to sleep (the night I lost my mojo) telling me how he loves my eyes and my forehead. Not to mention, he is STILL talking to me non-stop. This cutie who works in the radio station added me as well and talked to me the whole afternoon despite my busy schedule at work.

The most interesting attention I got was from Dumov. Yes, if you remember, I did blog about him a couple of days ago. My former ex-datee, who used to be my friend and still is, talked about breaking up with his boyfriend last few weeks ago. Of course I didn’t ask him to and even if I were in Sydney, I wouldn’t be able to lead him onto breaking up.

Well, they broke up and Dumov, as awkward as always, stated “Now, I can flirt with you.” on facebook today. It was no harm since I wasn’t in Sydney but I was there to talk a bit with him, half flirt and half care. Dumov and I had some weird history like the day we both drank Bourbon at his place. This was when he was with his boyfriend back then. We had drinks and I ended up sleeping with him on his bed. No kisses but cuddles. He woke up guilty the next morning, to which I assured him nothing happened and that I rather his boyfriend doesn’t know this, given it’s nothing to worry about. We still kept in touch and we would normally hang out a couple of times.

The truth? I do like him. I’m kinda glad I’m not in Sydney at the moment cos things could get real dangerous if I were.

Listening to: REM – Imitation of life

Judging women

I thought going drinking on a Wednesday seems wrong enough until I see my colleague. I’m not talking about the UN colleague but someone who works in the same music industry as I do.

LadyLove was one of those contest winning uprising diva in Myanmar. She surprised me the first time with her ability to look as hot as a model and sing awesome at the same time but she disappointed me with her choice of songs, which were all soppy and Celine Dion-ish; it made her look like a drag queen in music videos whereas her face would look perfect with Lady Gaga genre.

She’s a firm relationship holder, has a male model boyfriend, as good looking as she does and they’re pretty much in love. Tonight, I saw her with my other French loser friend. Ok, maybe I was wrong to think of them as a couple. The vibe she was giving me was a bit too hard to not judge her. She looked uneasy, didn’t talk much, saw me, smiled at me and left the bar immediately.

So, I might be wrong assuming she was there with the French loser but then again, seeing them two come together and them leaving right after she saw me and gave the awkward smile was just too hard to not assume they were together.

Calmly thinking, she might’ve had a quarrel with her boyfriend who might have cheated on her. It’s true, isn’t it, how when men cheat, it seems too ok but as soon as the chicks start cheating on the guy, she gets judged. Are we siding the male species too much or are we treating them as handicaps as a lower intelligent gender. I believe in equality but we all gotta admit there are different levels of goodness and badness in both genders. I’m a male siding the females now anyways. So, it’s harmless?

Listening to: Brandy – Have you ever

Words

”One word breaks the code of silence, silence tells me all the things I need to know, one word, one word tells me all the things I need to know.” – Kelly Osbourne

“Today is the last day I’m using words, they’ve gone out, lost their meaning, don’t function anymore” – Madonna

I was so intrigued with what Jersualem taught me yesterday. She gave me two words which she repeats 108 times per day and apparently, these two happen to be the words understood by the universe and it will give you back good things in return. She kept going “I know it’s stupid” but the fact is I’ve been doing rosary beads for like six years in a row now.

In Buddhism, we have 108 stringed rosary beads, with which we use to repeat some prayers in “Pali” language. There are altogether nine phrases in the routine I choose to do and my grandma recently bought me a book that has definitions for each phrase. I have yet to read that. However, I know that these phrases mean good intentions. So, for example, there’s one called “Arahan” and let’s just say it means “Good health to all”. The fact that this is repeated several times occupies your head and you have NOTHING to think of but to wish good health to all. A human’s mind is just so strong and doing rosary beads would be the only moment where we are allowed to cleanse it off by not thinking bad things for once. That’s why I don’t really believe in 100% optimism. Even mother tereesa would have greed in wishing others well. Honestly, Buddhism is just difficult to maintain and it’s more of a philosophy to get through life in a very mediocre way.

This also makes me think about how strong words are. Due to the difference in culture, we somehow have different levels of sensitivity. Myanmar people usually get defensive and Italians usually have a relaxed personality to words being spoken. However, I do think that no matter how much tolerant we are to words spoken, we DO react to it no matter if it’s true or not. So, you tell a gossip to this one dude who doesn’t believe in things. He would shrug it off and tell you he doesn’t care but at the back of his mind, he would have those words in repetition if he should choose to remember it. I’m pretty sure that even if we choose to forget or ignore comments, we still have it at the back of our heads.

The Bible has words that tells stories. A politician tells a lie to make others kill each other to fight for the so called truth. A school rumor can get a teacher fired. However, do we really say it all? Are we allowed to express ourselves to the level of others actually understanding it the way we want them to? I know of only ONE way to conquer such mess and I’ve been practicing it for a couple of years now. It’s not always successful since it’s so hard to win over my mind with my heart but I try not to give it up. It’s being open minded.

I guess only an open mind can keep us in peace without any doubts or greed of wanting to see things the way we want to by interchanging what was actually said.

Listening to: Madonna – Bedtime story

Hava Na Gila

A Jewish Passover lasts 8 days actually but in Israel, it’s only seven days. Well, in Isreali Embassy, it was four hours of awesome feasting with Gin & Tonic.

Every year, Jewish peeps have this Passover to celebrate God freeing the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt led by the Prophet himself, Moses. (By the way, I used to have a friend called Moses and it creeps me out whenever I have to say his name for some reason). I was invited by my friend, X, who happens to be a Myanmar Jewish chick with an American accent, to this Passover. Not having slept the night before, I was totally not in the mood but I was tempted to go just because it was a special invite, where I had to seriously RSVP. Yep, the whole ‘security procedure’ for any events held in an embassy. I had to strip my belt and shoes and empty my pockets to get into the entrance. If only the security guard had been cuter, I would’ve stripped more for him or asked him how to strip as a precautious manual to ‘properly strippage’.

I find it quite hilarious that I went there with my German friend, GermanChick, and was seated next to X and two gay couples. I kinda got used to the awesomeness of the event as soon as I laid my eyes on both the gay couples. Both were just so hot. One Myanmar dude with his German husband and a Jewish dude with his Thai husband. Actually, I’ve always had this major crush on the Myanmar gay dude, KingB. So, it was nice when he tried to sit near me but GermanChick insisted that she was my date, and not him.

I love learning about new culture and this feast was just so cute. I love how the Jewish people relive the history by reciting parts of the Bible and suddenly breaking into a song. It got more interesting when the Ambassador started to sing “Hava Na Gila” with me after the feast. I was kinda brushing up on my Hebrew ‘hrrr’s as well.

I was kinda glad in a very teenage girl way when KingB asked me what I do. When he found out I work in the UN by day and sometimes go to studios by night for my radio show or my album, he gave me this ‘wow’ expression and I got a proper goodnight kiss from him as well. I love him and his boyfriend together but somehow any teenage girl could swoon to Justin Beiber even if he’s with Selena Gomez. *swoons*

Listening to: Sheryl Crow – Can’t cry anymore

Dream cell number

UK Daily Mail stated how this dude called David Brown found Mitchell Kitson via a phone number he’s received from a dream. Five years ago, this dude had a mobile number in his head after he woke up from a dream, to which he called. It belongs to Mitchell and he messaged her and she messaged back and before you know it, he became his wife.

So, there’s a bit of an annoying analogy to this story. What if Mitchell was not supposed to be his wife but just a girl who he happened to randomly messaged on the phone? Or what if the whole ‘getting the number of your future wife in your dream’ was true? The latter sounds fancier anyways and I’m sure you, me or UK Daily Mail would rather have that side of the story mentioned.

Now, I had a dream. Dream experts say that we remember things from dreams because we wake up during the whole REM moment. So basically, this is when you wake up WHILE dreaming. So, here’s the dream.

I was sitting at a table with some dudes. Hein Wai Yan (some cheesy Myanmar actor) and Nay Toe (another Myanmar actor) were one of the people at the round table. Hein Wai Yan was HOT in my dream though and we started flirting. He gave me his number, to which I replied ‘dude, this is a dream. I’ll forget it soon. Why don’t you write it on me so I’ll remember when I wake up?’. But then, I realized how writing on me might not really help me see the number on me when I wake up so I told him I’ll memorize it. He helped me memorize it too. It was either 430 1211 or 470 1211. (cell phone) Then, Nay Toe asked me to prove that I was dreaming. So, I did and at that instant I opened my eyes wide to the bedroom I was sleeping in with the number fresh in my memory, though the whole two possible numbers thing happened an hour after I woke up, thanks to not writing it down as soon as I woke up.

I had drinks with my girlfriends and I told them about this dream and Jsquare tried both the numbers and both of them are NOT available. I guess this does not make me another a David Brown but I couldn’t stop thinking what if my Mitchell was not actually from Myanmar and it’s a number in some other country??? Stay tuned, folks.. Maybe and JUST maybe my future boyfriend might have this number..

Listening to: Hoobastank – The reason