The Depart

For some reason, I have the song I used to sing in a choir when I was 9. It goes like "I am but a small voice, I am but a small dream... the fragrance of the flower in an unpolluted air". So, the whole song went on and on. It was all about how one's voice is too soft but when sung or spoken together, it makes a difference.

I guess I could relate that to how things are floating around me. Small voices from different people. Small words of encouragement; small voices of confidence; small cheers of joy. It all works, guys! Thank you. I am very surprised that most of my friends are so confident about good things to happen to me. Now, the only thing I need to do is to feel that myself as well. I mean, they have their own lives to worry about but they put so much encouragement towards mine and all I can say is, I deserve to be happier and more confident than this.

I'm in Rooty Hill now... a home far from home. Ages away from the city. I feel like shit once again and I know I will feel worse again tomorrow when the plane takes off. But, I also would know that the voices of my friends, those who love me and believe in me will ring forever more until I come back to Australia again.

They are but small voices

they are but small dreams

but when all come as one, they are big enough to motivate this mofo to kick back into life and live life to its fullest.

Dear friends,

I will miss you so much. and I love you all. I can keep repeating it again and again. All of you who are reading this will know how much I mean it but none of you would know the feeling of teardrops burning down my cheek as they fall.

Nah, I don't think I'm sad.

I'm just happy I got the best friends in the world anyone could hope/wish for...

I love you.

Heiny xox

TRUST

I asked almost everyone I care about to trust in me; to trust the fact that I'll be back....

and I was pretty happy with the result. Everyone was happy for me, they smiled at me and we talked about the past and relived them through our conversations. I am pretty sure they're hurting as much as I am but the 'trust' that I have asked from them was there all the time.

"Hein, have a good holiday"

"Hein, I'll be waiting"

"Hein, this is a blessing in disguise"

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and say "You lucky bastard" cos with friends like these, I'm pretty sure nothing would be able to fuck me over.... hmm except guys of course.. but that's a different story :D

Speaking of trust, one of my friends (WHO I FANCY) came out to me as well and I found it quite nice, weird and kinda sad at the same time.

Happy cos I think he's pretty good looking as well.. and he coming out to me and saying he's attracted to me is a double bonus.

Weird just cos I'll have to get used to this... normally, he'd be a a friend.

Sad cos I won't be able to spend time with him *sigh*

It sucks to be honest.. He'd make a good someone to get to know better.

On another note, I hung out with MamaMills and LB today and we had fun until I had to leave. LB couldn't smile during the final ten minutes. He left and said "I have to leave before I crack" and then messaged me later a 'I miss you lil bro" note. What can I say? I just have to be strong for him. I love him so much and I am SURE I'll do anything to get back here and he knows it. But at the same time, I know HOW IT FEELS. How it feels to be left when someone you love goes away.

The departer feels sad during the departing moment but he/she will get distracted and automatically would have to try to adapt to a new surrounding soon. However, the ones who are left would have to spend their days without the presence of the departer. They would have to get used to it, I guess..

I don't know. I wish I could better things but I guess me coming back one day is the best hope and belief that we could build to make our lives better at the moment.

What I Would Be In A Year's Time

I've made my friends come up with something for that question and I can't wait to see what they have to write for me... hehe but here's mine

First of all, I see myself with a spiky hair full of hair product... aka wax...
Second, pointy shoes are a must
Then, a slim figure if not a muscled toned body
Plucked hair or waxed from unwanted areas (on my tattoo)
I might want a tinge of maroon or mahogany red in my hair.. entire black's a bit boring
I wanna wear slim ties... nice ones.. black slim ties are SO HOT
tight fitting buttoned shirt with low cut formal pants
white socks
any Dior products for cologne..

walking to work way earlier than it start
- possibly because I would have gone to gym earlier
- cos I just like to wake up early (oh god.... how would that ever work)
Starbucks in my hand... hmm Gloria Jeans can suffice
suitcase in my hand
flat wallet as opposed to fat wallets
have a 'physical' planner as opposed to handheld devices which piss the shit outta me

I'd wanna walk to work
car park in sydney just sucks
well, if I'm somewhere else, a car would be nice
beetles.... (thanx to my ex bf who got me hooked on it)
avoiding yellow beetles
maybe... a red one? nah that's too splashy
metallic mint beetle car

wait if i have a car, what would it have on its stereo...
either stereophonic or ask
or maybe nitin sawhney...
hmm nah too deep
maybe just gene pitney

have my own little cubicle..
POSTCARDS from friends pinned on the walls
have some cool decors on my desk

going home and looking forward for a night to chill out in front of my tv
my flatmate (either a boyfriend or a close friend) would be there
he would shut up cos i'll be watching my favorite episode of heroes

sip of red wine

oh life.....
it's nice to dream :D

Hein's New Attributes (those that haven't been mentioned)

eaves⋅drop

-dropped, -drop⋅ping, noun
–verb (used without object)

1.to listen secretly to a private conversation.

In another word, it means something I'm quite good at doing especially when the other party don't know I actually speak their language. So, as it seems, a lot of people can tell that I'm asian but they have no idea what type of Asian I am. Indonesian, Malaysian or even Chinese? Ah well I am an Asian after all and I actually know how to speak yet another foreign Asian language fluently. I was at a restaurant with Robby and we bumped into this guy who knows Robby. Then, I got introduced to him. Apparently, he knows Tran too.

So, he was speaking in a language that I know with the cook in that shop and this was how the conversation went after he spoke to Robby.

Woman: Is that your girlfriend?
Him: No, I think that's her boyfriend.
Woman: Are you sure? You can't just say that.
Him: Nah I'm pretty sure that's her boyfriend.

Her was for Robby and the boyfriend was supposed to be me. Now, this guy does NOT look hot and I'm pretty sure Robby is NOT attracted to him. Plus, Robby has a boyfriend. So, I moved closer to her and tried not to say anything that involves any gesticulations that I'm actually queer. I loved it. It was fun and it's funny how people talk about the others not sure whether they actually understand them or not.

On another note, I noticed that I talk a lot when I'm nervous or in front of someone I like. Ok, there's this guy from another department that I'm kinda attracted to. Let's call him 'Spongebob' cos he's quite random. Since I'm kinda bad at remembering nicknames for my blog, let's start anew with the other one for this next character in my blog. He's been mentioned a few times in my blog before but let's just give him a new name.. umm... "Seahorse". So, to revise on my relationship with them....

I used to have the hugest crush on Seahorse and I did a while ago until I noticed how much of a sleazebag he is, especially when he reported to me how much he likes Spongebob and how he's trying to make Spongebob "Unconfused" about his sexuality. I mean, having a crush is one thing but kinda teachering yourself into a relationship is just a bit of a sleazy act for me. So, I kinda lost a bit of my brownie points for Seahorse.

So, I DO like Spongebob but Seahorse, being a good friend of mine, I try not to show him as much. Just like a true sleazebag, those two are inseparable, always in order of Seahorse behind Spongebob. Chase much, dude?

Today was different. I saw Spongebob with a good friend of mine and another new girl that I got introduced to. It was a good chat but I found myself talking a lot to them. Subject after subject. Puns after puns. Wit after wit. To the point that I could hear myself going 'Douche bag, you like Spongebob'. Yes, I do. The point is Spongebob was a bit of a cocktease as well. He would bounce my wit off and started getting touchy with me and gave complimentary one liners like 'you're awesome'. I tried not to read too much into it but it's true how much of a talkative retard I was to all of them.

When my bus finally came, I said bye to them and Spongebob shouted 'Hein, you're my favorite boy'.... hmm... these days, CSE students come with a cockteasing attributes... *le sigh*

Flow of Postivity

CV's are so funny to write. I know it's annoying and it drives me insane since when I write things, it's either too honest or just plain bullshit to the point where the reader won't get what I was trying to write in the first place. So, with the help of my Med Revue crowd, I was typing my CV away at the Student Lounge today. After the whole thing was done, I'll have to say it looks attractive... not cos I'm special or anything but just looking at things I've done makes me realize no matter how crap my marks were at uni, I am quite glad I did some other stuffs. Thanks to Vinnie and Robby especially for beautifying my fobby English.

While most people sees 'health' as a priority, I see it as a dead threat. Going back to Burma won't be that easy healthwise since I won't be allowed to devuor ANYTHING I want; my grandma is a 'food' Nazi and I have kinda made a deal that I'll eat porridge with her while I'm there. To be honest, at that time I thought it sounded good but the more I think of it, the more I could tell things are gonna be quite restricted in Burma.. regarding 'food'. So, I've learnt to eat as much as I can here... preferably unhealthy choices. That's why I ended up eating a bucket of ten pieces chicken with Ali and Alex joined in with his own meal.

As much as I hate music snobs... wait let me analyze on how fucked they are by the way. Music snobs are those who never rely on the 'real' art behind a song but rather just discriminate any artists accordingly to their existence on top 40 charts. How? Well, they would suck up on unknown bands and will totally be in awe of them until they start to make BIG on charts. Then, these snobs would migrate to other 'unknown' bands JUST TO BE DIFFERENT. The irony here is how these pack of retards end up being clumped into a group of fans which is large enough to be compared to a group of those who are into mainstream artists. So, yes "DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE" is NOT a mainsteam but HELLO, there are 7.000.000 million people out there who like the band, where one in every ten of them are the TRUE FANS, while the other nine are those try hards 'I call myself special and so cool' music snobs, who just think avril lavigne is a slut who can't sing. I, myself, am NOT a fan of avril but I have to admit I have a huge respect for that girl. And people should just STOP criticizing about live performances. My question to them is 'CAN YOU ACTUALLY SING BETTER?'.

So where was I?
Yeah, as much as I hate music snobs, I HATE movie snobs too. They are worse to be honest. They love dendy movies or those low budgeted ones. Yes, I love them too but you do NOT have to say how crap some blockbusters are. I mean, seriously, people spent so much time working on the effects and all that. A little respect would help. If you DON'T like it, just shut the fuck up!!! So, yes, I'm well known for choosing cheesy movies to watch in the cinema. First of all, thanx to the surround sound and large screening, I think it's quite justifiable that I choose to watch movies with special effects ON BIG SCREEN.

So, I chose 'A Night at the Museum 2'. Ali and Alex joined in and THANK GOD they liked it. I love it. It makes me smile and it makes me feel like a part of its adventure in the 180 minutes of non stop cool effects. Seriously, snobs just should die.

I love how everything revolving around me just seem to make so much indication that is so ironically relevant to my own life.

• I had to sing 'Don't pull me out' during revue, which kinda resembles me to ask Australia to NOT pull me out due to recession.
• A scene in Gossip Girl has Blaire talking to Nate about how she used to plan things and how they fail in the end. Now, having to go back to Burma was NOT in my 'plan' so yeah I could totally empathize with her there.
• And TODAY, before the movie came up, one of the ads was about IELTS. Ali started pointing at me and laughed. I just rolled my eyes and went 'geezus, can life be more funnier than this?'

So, yes, I have no idea what 'life' is trying to tell me....

The good thing is the fact that I am beginning to accept that what is happening to me now is a GOOD THING. First of all, recession is the new black in Australia, well not really a new black.. but it's been getting worse. When viewing your CV, the most they look at are your transcripts and work experiences. Now, my transcripts look like shit, apart from the pretty blue paper and I have no work experiences where I have to "ACTUALLY" use the computer. This does NOT involve typing on the computer and changing the prizes of jeans. So, to be honest, it will be super hard to find a job here that has to do with my degree or diploma.

In Burma, it's different.. The fact that you graduated from oversea will make you look like Miley Cyrus in Walz Disney or like Cher in Mardi Gras. They would love you so much and I could get a proper decent job easier than I could here and from that, I can gain experience and with that experience, I can come back when I'm wanted here to get a cool ass job that pays me well enough to get me a proper place to live on my own and to have this huge giant gay looking lantern in the living room... and of course three lava lamps.

So, it's not that much of a bad thing to be going back to Burma. I'd like to think it opens up paths for me. I have no idea why but each and everyday I am feeling positive about everything that surrounds me.

And speaking of 'positivities', I got a mail from the post office saying there is a mail for me at the office. I am quite excited and I think it's regarding my ACS, the ONLY thing I'm waiting for to apply for PR offshore. ON another note, Ben W has offered to give me a harddrive with LOADS OF TV SERIES in them. This is what I like to view as 'third world country survival kit'

Bless!!!!

Cliffhanger

Hanging out with my best friends was painful.. only cos we all know deep inside that we're gonna be away one day. It's like the whole 'high school graduation' thing over again. People growing up, having their own little lives to worry about and going off to some places bla bla bla...

I used to joke around with Alex, Ali, Jen, Zhe and the gang about how our lives are like a TV seriess and as I was bussing home tonight, I smiled at myself thinking.. so this is yet another cliffhanger at the last part of a season and this is where they kill off my character... which means I'll have to get out of this TV series, possibly because I'll be working on other projects. So, yes, Hein went back to his country. So, the series is still going on but without me. I kinda like the thought of making a return one day.. like Shanon Doherty did for Beverly Hills 90210.

It's a mixture of two types of feelings to be honest. It's quite exciting since we all have our own lives to explore at the moment, search for things in life and just to prosper and then meet again one day... and then there's this other doubt where you're not sure when you'll get to meet them again and the fact that you will surely miss them.

Ah well, like I've written on twitter... once you have a package in your life, you have to just accept the drama and adapt to it. No use crying over something that you're not sure of.

So, there'll be few seasons without me in it... when I'll make a return, no one knows :D

The Full Swing

Life has a funny way to teach us lessons.. and no matter how many lessons there are to be learnt, we'll never run out of lessons and there is never a proper formula in life. I've always find it important to be able to grab what life gives you... either as a gratitude or a lesson. If life is shit towards you, it's trying to tell you something and you have to find it out yourself.

Past few days, everything went downhill for me. I got blamed for things I've done. I told everyone that I know what I did was wrong and that I was not going to let that happen again....

That was a lie...

These two days.. the weekend... I thought really hard about things and finally came up with a solution for once... and now I know why life has been cruel to me...

It is because it wants me to love myself.

The following paragraph involves a bit of Buddhist preach that I've listened to from monks and all that so let me assure you that this is JUST what I believe and I am NOT saying this it the perfect correct solution for everyone... if you guys agree to it, it's awesome.. if not, maybe this belief does NOT work for you. :D

First of all, I believe in fate and karma. By fate, I do not mean we are all meant to just sit down and wait for things to happen.. THAT IS NOT FATE... if you think waiting and doing nothing is actually 'fate', yes it is... it just means that your fate involves you waiting for nothing. So, all of us DO have a life plan somehow.. and I truly believe that. From our previous lives (that I believe), whichever good deeds the past peeps had done, it will come to play in this life. Retriubtion it is.. So, somehow I believe in good shit that is bound to happen in life.

No one would have thought I would have to be studying oversea. I grew up sby and I never talk to people as a kid. No one would have even thought I would have the guts to do things I am doing now. So, yes.. my point is I believe in fate... some things surprisingly DO happen..

Lovelife
======

I have always believed in young love and everlasting love though I do not believe in forever. Forever is a bit overrated and we are all born to die one day anyways. We were born as one individual and die alone. So, we do make the most of it while we're all alive. Despite this effect, I do believe in good love life and a healthy one. My grandparents married young and they love each other so much until now and my mom and dad married at early 20's and they made mistakes and fought all the time but they were always in love. I still remember my mom's face during my dad's funeral. This has totally make me believe that I, myself, do deserve a good love life...

I guess I rushed though. I used to think I'll have to work for it. So, I would find someone and totally make that someone my 'love'. This, to me, is a sign of greed. Fighting for someone to appreicate what you're doing to them is an act of greed. If you really love the person, you would wait... and of all the people, I should know better how love just don't happen to ANYONE immediately. Why am I still single now? It's only because I haven't found the one. How can I find it? Ah well, they're just around... and I'll just have to stay hopeful and be on my feet...

Lust
====

So, I did enjoy a bit of exploring the 'sexual' side of my life. I never thought I would be this open minded towards my sexuality, promiscuity or my gender preference. I did not even know what I liked or wanted. Things have been fun until last week...

I went to my usual booty call buddy and I fulfilled my need. But I wasn't happy and it has somehow hit me in the head that nothing turns me on more than a potential date fuck or just having sex unintentionally after seeing someone after a while...

And about my gender preference, I don't think I'm gay nor straight. I am just someone who is passionate and open minded and who is willing to give any type a 'go'. If I find the "one" in life, be it a guy or a girl, my heart would know and I will NOT have to worry...

As for now, the love I get from my friends is more than sufficient to keep me happy.

Family
=====

My family has one issue. It's love. We fight because we never give in any outlooks from anyone. We never accept what others think or feel. My mom would ask me to do something JUST because she thinks it's suitable. She has stopped that now. She believes in me and at the same time, I believe in her. Same thing goes for my grannies.. I used to think they're old fashioned, overprotective and demanding. Now, I know they worry ten times than I do but it's all for me. So, I have learnt how to forgive my family and to respect everything they have done for me in the past.

Throughout the whole breakdown during the last few days, I get surprising little messages from my grandparents, mom, sis and my aunt. Between their usual preaching line, there will always at least be one line of encouragement.

My sister told me not to worry and that she would start contacting my friend to make sure I'm not friendless in Burma.

My aunty scolded me and wahed at me verbally on the phone to the point where I would totally avoid her calls but I told her few days ago that I know I've done the wrong thing.. and surprisingly, she told me to be strong and her tone completely changed.

My grandparents were torn when they first heard about everything but when I cried one morning and hugged my grandad, he rubbed my head and told me to be a young man. My grandmother , who is normally very careful with financial stuffs, left an extra 300 bucks for me to spend it after I get out of Australia in case I need it during the transit.

My mom has always been supportive and now she's just so happy I am coming back.

And about my gayness, now that I have no more confusion about my sexual preference ( like I said, I do NOT care what gender I go for ), I should NOT tell them anything about it. I am very confident about myself and I don't think it's time for me to even worry about that with them. Anyone who's reading this.. if you think you have the right to tell them or start some rumors, my advice for you is to fuck off and sort things out with your family first. Look at yourself before you judge someone.

Life
===

I got what I came here for and that's the degree. Despite the fact that it's yet another piece of paper, it's gonna look damn fine for any references in the future. And now that I've become a bit more linear towards choosing a path in life, it'll be way easier for me to accept and do what I like in life as opposed to drifting around or just floating in space.

I guess this whole meltdown is a BIG FAT blessing in disguise..

I'm going back to Burma....

to see my family and get closer to them
to get in touch with the Hein that I am or used to be..
to get to know which good friends of mine will keep in touch with me
to know what I really want in life

and finally

to be ready to settle down somewhere...

it's about time, don't you think?
Get ready cos Hein is back in full swing..

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Blogworthy File 4 : Unfinished Symphony
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Thu 2:35pm | Edit Note | Delete
In platform games, you know those path that you could hop on and you have to hop quick so they don't fall? Like Crash Bandicoot or Mario, they have to skip from one brick to another since the previous brick falls down after some seconds? That's me.. I have to skip road after to road to reach somewhere in life.

It's just all scary cos there are so many possibilities.... even acting career involved lol..

so you can't really blame me for being so 'umm so what's next'

Well, enough about that for now... now let's talk about the Unfinished....

Let's call him 'unfinished'..

Unfinished and I have talked with each other ever since I was busy with med revue and we finally met after one of my rehearsals. What started as a 'hey let's have drinks at your place' ended up in 'waking up next to him the morning after nude'. Oh surprise surprise. Now, UNFINISHED knows about me going back to burma and the fact that I do NOT have a proper date that I'll be coming back. Now, if I were him, I would just leave it since

1. I have had sex
2. He's leaving soon for a long time
3. I don't know when he'll be back

but he just kept hanging on. I have yet to meet him still next week... a bit of a boost to the 'sex' category of my life and a bit of a wonder why he still wants to see me....

So, is unfinished REALLY unfinished or is he just up for one more round of 'hey let's have drinks at your place'......

Blogworthy File 5 : Recovery

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Fri 12:14am | Edit Note | Delete

So I guess today was the day i recovered both from med revue and my grannies leaving me.. actually make that 'tonight'... I was pretty much dragged to rooty hill right after med revue.. cos

1. my grannies wanna spend time with me
2. i agree this is the only way to get rid of the withdrawal
3. i did need some space to myself to have a proper thoughts moment (though it ended up with me sleeping or eating)

It was a bit painful to see my grannies leave.. especially when I took them to the wheelchair aisle. I never realized they were getting old. I still think that I'm 23 and they're around 50 or something. I have to say they were pretty brave and healthy to have come all the way for my graduation and med revue for two seventy years old. My grandad couldn't say a proper goodbye cos he was about to cry I guess. It's a bit painful to know that my grandad could cry as well since I always see him as the man of the house. It makes me a bit sad. Plus, I'm gonna see them soon anyways... but yeah.. I was feeling like shit..

I knew Jack was still doing some uniwork at uni so I called him up to meet up and Robby was still around. Then I met Shashenka on anzac parade and then I went all crazy and I called Mina. And everyone who was at her house showed up and it was a mini cast reunion. I have decided to stay as happy and as close as I could to my friends and my casties... well, my FRIENDS that is.. cos I AM NOT a director anymore :D

But yeah.. it was nice to see Jack and Robby.... as my close friends... and this was one long mccas meal without the directors' talk...

I don't know... I can't really get sick of them.... I actually miss them and love them lots

Blogworthy File 6 : Are they ready for me?

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Yesterday at 11:28am | Edit Note | Delete

It has been brought to my attention that I'm in a bit of a bipolar situation. Not severe yet interior. I rarely show any sadness since I know it can be healed through good times passed with friends and with those loved ones around me so it's not much of a thing you could summon outta me to actually know what state I am in. So, my advice is not to worry but if you're reading this, you'd know why at times I would go silent or just pretty much absent in some forms.

My mindframe is pretty much set on this whole new excitement of what's next for me. Yet, the fear is always there and has always been. I told my friends during a revue 'talk' that I did revue to overcome fear and fear will always be there for me no matter how many times I'll have to conquer each occuring one.

I am given a list of things to look for which might involve a lot of 'looking for things in my room' and digits to work on which would involve a lot of calculations and negotiations. I don't really know what's gonna happen but I can try to make things , at least, work out.

Somehow, amidst these things, I was able to think... think really hard and find out more stuffs about life... or just everything in general..

Given this whole fucked up scenario at this point, I had a blast laughing at my past dramas, when I used to think that nothing can be better for me...

1. My break up with Simon... I used to remember sleeping in the living room with the TV on cos silence would just make me think of his presence.. I mean, four months in the same house with the person you love.. it's a bit intolerable.... I thought I would never be happy and all that crap.. Little do I know it's made my friendship with him a lot stronger and most improtantly it's made me so much stronger than I was back then...

2. My constant failures at uniwork... I used to question myself how I was ever gonna finish uni given I kept failing. and sometimes I would just ask msyself why I would even bother with uniwork. Age's talking and time's ticking.... but somehow I graduated... I don't really know how I did it but I did...

3. My constant search for intimate 'company'... I have dated, done one night stands and casual plays.. even picked up from clubs though that's never been my cup of tea... and somehow I go home always sad after every date dumps, early morning run after a whole night of casualty lust and just after someone leaves my place knowing 'that's it.. i'll never see that person again'... but I have failed to notice how I was enjoying every minute of it... Casual hook ups, for instance, should not be drama at all since I enjoyed it and they enjoyed it... if things don't happen, it's either their loss for not getting to know how much I can give them or just plain escape for them to find better guys.

So, all these past dramas, when looked back at them, seems a bit funny and quite enjoyable especially to know I made my way outta them alive... and sane most importantly...

Now, I feel like this kid whose parents have left them on the school playground on the first day of school. Insecure, excited, nervous yet hopeful. I know it'll be a matter of time until a teacher would come to me and ask me to do things.. she might be a lovely lady or a nazi in a dress (lol)..

Most of my friends in Burma have changed.. they've gone overseas.. they got married.. they got kids.. a family.. some died... I haven't been doing a good job of 'keeping in touch' with them since I was in awe of such genuine treatment when I got to Australia. I am not saying my friends in Burma are bad but Burma does impose a bit of a superficial underground... people do judge and discriminate at some point UNINTENTIONALLY...

now the question is

are they ready for me?

Blogworthy File 7 : Sad but true

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Today at 2:12am | Edit Note | Delete

For some reason, I am happy that tonight was the last night I'll ever go to shift..... probably for this year... I felt so outta it and so old and my heart's just not there anymore...

and about my sexuality preference, the confusion has hit me again

i feel like i did when i was 18...

so the question remains.. do I still like guys????

for now, the answer is I DON'T KNOW

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Blogworthy File 1 : The Morning After

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Monday, May 11, 2009 at 7:03pm | Edit Note | Delete

I guess the fact that I would be leaving Sydney soon kinda reminds me that facebook is the only way I can keep in touch with me lovelies. So, whether they read it or not, I have decided to write something here every now and then. The fact that I am hanging out at Rooty Hills with my grannies now gave me no other option to kill my time but to just sit in front of this puter and type the shiz away....

I woke up at eight am today.. thanx to my grandad calling me on the phone to tell me he's on his way to my place. So, I was in bed when they came into my room. Despite being in his seventies and retired, he stays true to his 'strict' self... the whole 'get up and do stuffs' hiss... hmm to be honest, I kinda miss it for five years now..

So, not wanting to go against his royal highness' will, I woke up but I was too grumpy.
1. cos I miss revue.
2. cos I was scared of what to come my way.
3. cos I felt like shit after two consecutive days of endless drinkage and sleeping on the carpet floor in a living room followed by a theatre performance without brushing my teeth.

I told him I was scared and tired and that I have this huge ass migraine. The word 'migraine' would have such a huge grudge with me; I have been using that word whenever I do NOT have one just to show how 'not in the mood' I am...

For example..

Friend: Hey come out tonight
me: I have a huge migraine (while I would be watching porn in my room or something)

My grandad, ever knowing how I misuse that word, totally ignored that call and kept asking me to wake up. For some weak reason, I cried. I cried in front of him. I told him I was scared and I hugged him. I told him I don't know what to feel or think these days and I'm pretty weak to hide this sadness away. He patted my back in Jack Han's style and said the funniest thing ever.. "BE A MAN".. His intention was for me to be brave but the fact that I am a very active homosexual who wouldn't let his grannies know about this and the fact that he was asking me to 'be a man' while I was hugging him crying... it was just an awkward funny moment...

So I've packed. One big fat pile to St Vinnie's. Little do I know that working in Jayjays have totally populated my closet or suitcases. I have like thirty Jayjays shirts and shit load of other shit that I don't even wear.. or can't wear. Yes, yoyo diet plays a leading role in my life and sometimes when I get too happy I buy small sizes cos I'd be skinny by then, not realizing in two days, that I'll be the next Kirstie Alley out of an Oprah show. And then I'd forget to be in that size again..

Now, about the immigration part, the part I drag the most... it seems that I just have to get ready for IELTS test before a certain date. The thing was in order to make that happen, I would have to jump away to some country and sit for a test there.

I usually pay my gay friends out for their mysterious everlasting lust for travelling. If only 'travelling' was in form of a guy, any gay guys would be monogamously in love. Yes, MOST gay men can do nothing but TRAVEL.. God!!! Why? I hate travelling.. I hate how the toothpaste in hotel rooms are too small and I hate how I get mud on my feet while I ride on buffalos or how some elephants try to mate while I'm riding them.. travelling and hein is a no no... So after all these pay outs, I'm paying it by having to travel. I've always told my friends how I wanna settle down somewhere one day and can get to say 'the world is my oyster'.. like, just go around when I'm settled down somewhere COS I WANT TO DO IT and not to just follow my folks around to end up playing crosswords on hotel papers.

Now, I have to travel somewhere JUST for this exam. I have to book for it tomorrow and it kinda makes me feel both nervous, excited and just a bit fucked. I don't know whether it's a good feeling or not but Ive been in a 'can't be fucked' stage these days. No,I am NOT depressed.. just not really used to things changing so fast around me.

So, according to royal highness' will (MY GRANDAD), I was asked to come stay at rooty hill. His reason was 'BECAUSE WE MISS YOU'. I just gobbled down shit load of food.. You gotta love asian families.. they cook for the whole village and you can just eat as much as you want and it won't run off. So, I ended up eating like obesity is an epic win and now I feel as fat as Val Kilmer's love handles. While I was finishing my dinner, my grannies and my grandad's friend were talking about eloping. Then, I joined in the conversation..

So I told them that I do NOT want a wife but a kid. So, I joked that I would fuck a lesbian for a kid and to have separate parented kid while I live in a cosmo-unit on some top levels with my son or daughter while my lesbian partner can take her out every weekend or something. I mean, the kid DOES deserve a mom after all. My grandparents did not get it. It was a subtle hint to saying that I do NOT want to fuck girls. The funnier thing was when they actually asked me to have test tube babies. Now, that's a bit too obvious if I have agreed to that. So, I have to bullshit my way out by saying 'then how would I enjoy the sex?' Pffttt.. sex with ladies.... never gonna happen.. hahahaha

So, now they're talking about some random shit while I sit here typing like a loner. I don't get it.. My grandad just wants my presence... So for the next three days, I'm gonna be 'existing' beside them and doing what I want with anything I can find to amuse myself.

Things to think of now at the moment are

application form
butt sex
med revue 09 song
butt sex
hangout with ali, jen, zhe and alex
and butt sex

Who says promiscuity is absent in my world... take that, oxford street !!!!

xox

Heiny

Blogworthy File 2 : DoIT Now

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 3:33pm | Edit Note | Delete

Trying to sleep last night was horrid. I was struggling to keep my eyes shut or just close my thoughts. Normally, I'd be watching porn, tv shows, chatting with people or just going out until 2am and that's the only time I would get tired. Sleeping with my grannies is the total opposite. They go to bed around 10pm and the room is just silent and they sleep with the lights on for some reason.

So, I thought to myself how exciting it would be to get back to my country but the more I thought about it, the more it's kinda scary. The last time I had friends there was five years ago and most of them had migrated to some parts of the world for further educational purposes. And the last thing I would wanna do is to try to mingle with people around the showbiz. So, I thought to myself how many friends I have still there. I thought of around five and four of them, I do NOT have the numbers of.

So, I pictured myself as crash bandicoot in stage 4 of his first game, where the whole room is dark and you don't really know what's around you unless you kerosene your lamp. I'd be so lost. It was funny for one split second but then, it just felt stupidly horrible to be lost in the dark.

I fell asleep though.. probably by the fear rather than the peaceful 'hmm now i can rest' intention...

Sleeping early meant waking up early as well and I had things done in the morning.. post office, applications and all that jazz... my grandad's friend came up with this saying where he goes 'DO IT NOW'. As stupid as it may sound, it makes so much sense to me since I never practise that. I leave things to the very end. So, it was kinda umm.... enriching? yeah, somewhere along that line..

When you're under the arms of your grannies, who are both socialites, (DO NOT THINK PARIS HILTON) it was hard to not end up in a paid lunch or something along that line. So, for the afternoon, I was dragged along with my grannies and one of their sons' (well, technically my uncle) friend. We ate buffet at Blacktown RSL Cricket Club. Pretty good, I should say...

So, this was the time where I totally have to get rid of my five years of eating Hein style in a few seconds to 'eating properly' style...
1. GET BREAD AND BUTTER and START OFF WITH THAT... get two butter blocks and DO NOT FINISH THE GOD DAMN BREAD.
2. When eating, make sure two third of your mouth is empty and look up when you eat. This allows enough time to swallow or chew quickly when asked a question while you eat. You DON'T wanna speak with your mouth full...
3. Dropped food? DO NOT APPLY ASIAN 2 SECONDS RULE.. Eating prettywise, it's 0 seconds rule.
4. Never put things inside your dish too much.. make rounds.. this is a buffet... and even if you put food on your plate, make sure it doesn't look yuck or greedy.. make sure the sauce doesn't cover the whole food and make sure there's a bit of vegetable in it.

While eating, I wasn't really aware of one rule since both my grandma and I broke this. We talked, TOTALLY IGNORING grandpa and the host. When the host got up to get some drinks, my grandad hissed at us going 'talk to us.. do not be rude.. talk with each other when you get home'. My grandma and I gave him an evil look.. ah well, we're the socialite's dependants after all.. his wife and his grandson.. no win situation.

So, after eating like I have a piece of cottonbud in my mouth and a lot of weak chuckle and acting amused by whatever random the people around me talked about, I felt a bit tired. But I was happy I got to know my grandma more. I didn't even know she was a patron of some sports club in Burma. WTF??? She's seventy.. and she is a patron of burmese martial art, burmese football and cricket. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL CRICKET...

I guess going back home would be a bit interesting somehow. I'll get to meet my dog E-Boo and three puppies, who apparently bully my E-Boo. E-Boo is the dog who humped my leg til he ejaculated so that dog meant a lot to me...

At the moment, I feel half dead though I have to say I feel somewhat happy about getting to know grandma more than I used to. :D

Though I have to say I miss the catch up for med revuers at quad lawn today.. and missing Ali's graduation yesterday suck balls as well...

Blogworthy File 3 : cos my blog is too fobbilicious

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 8:42pm | Edit Note | Delete

When I did the tattoo on my arm that says 'Karma', I meant it well. Karma is a bitch, especially to me. So, working in Jayjays made me such a 'fobb hating' queen; you CANNOT blame me though.. they're just too ridiculously rude and weird. I never saw my grandparents that way until I crossed the road with them today. They got in front of some men and the men were making fun of my grannies. I just held their arms and waited with them. Half of me was a bit ashamed but half of me felt the need to BE THERE because that's something I would've done to fobs. But for fuck sake, my grannies are seventy plus. It might just be humor but I guess I've learnt my lesson well....

No more laughing at old people or old fobs...
young fobs can still rot.

The rest of the fob trot was awesome. We went on ferries around darling harbor, we bought aquarium book and we ate at the rotating thingy. It sucks cos whenever I'm about to go grab more food, the food would be like 20 degrees behind me. So, the thing ACTUALLY moves.

I've been thinking hard again and talking with my grandma about things to do back in my country. I really don't wanna share it here unless I actually am sure of what to do.. it seems like a vague distance to know what I'm capable of doing. But, I'd love to have 'real' friends for a change and just a good family life

WITH MY NEW THREEE PUPPIES

At the same time, I think about a life that I've built here and how much I would miss it. Since there's no turning back for now, it's no use feeling sad over something I cannot change. I know my friends are sad and so am I but it's useless and painful if I encourage it. And I have promised them that I'll be back.. and I mean it with every words that came outta my mouth..

And about med revue, I've let go....
now I see the casties as my brothers and sisters that I'll come back to
and dare I say it, their hugs would be warm enough to let me survive through hard times :D

my blogs seem a bit wah about me missing cast
but how can i help it?
Can you blame someone who just spent two months with 40 awesome people and just have to cut it out one day and go live with his grannies and sort out the future, only to leave this country one day to be able to come back?

You'd be sad too if you were me :D