Practice

I've been wrong.
I shouldn't have expected a lot from anyone.
I shouldn't have been falsely accusing of anyone.
I shouldn't have cared that much about what others are like.
I should've just concentrated on me, myself and only me.
From now on, I hold no opinions whatsoever
for Craig.
cos i guess the fact that i could love him while I can matters.....
i don't hope anymore...
i just do what I have to..
and for now, it's to go with the flow

Drama Much?

I was right. I cannot share my drama with anyone... Not even those I trust the most. I was never meant to have drama I guess. I'm over it. Fuck this shit

Love - Why Do We Need it?

I've come to realize how much of a bubble I've created in life. I've been so stubborn with my choice. My only enemy is realism. I have gone against what's real. It works at first but somehow I have lost grip of things and I just don't know if I'm capable and the worst thing is the fact that I feel so lonely. It's always been the case.

Some people look up to me for being so strong at times with what I've chosen in life and with my reactions towards bad shit that's been thrown my way. They gave me this impression that I seem to cope well. Maybe I might be good at it. Some people wonder sometimes why I've been single for so long. I guess love is my weakness and I just don't know why it keeps getting me down.

Why do others find it so easy to love others? Don't they have jealousy? Don't they have issues? Don't they have a grey area. I just feel like it's always been a white or black for me when it comes to love. Right or wrong. I am not good with negotiations and my intentions backfire with a lot of backlashes.

I guess I'm sick of it all.....

Why do we need love anyways?

Party Crashers Stranded at Cafe Libre

TGIF! As for this fella, Friday seems like any other weekdays since today was work day. But it wasn't hectic but a 5am return to my place and waking up at 9am to go to 10am to work today. So why 5am?

Last night was awesome. I hung out with Boss and the gang. It was nice to see Boss all happy and workless. I was introduced to this guy. CuteDork!!! He's lovable and he's just awesome. Good character, good personality.. he's a brother material. I've been trying to set him up with Boss but somehow it's just friends atm. We went to this hotel called "strand hotel". Maltesers and PlasticBernard were also there.

Since 50th street was waterlogged, the bar was closed for the night. So, we decided to crash some Frenchies parties. Some French NGO's kinda do this collabo party and we just crashed it. It was fun. Free drinks. Even more entertaining to see two Frenchies started fighting. It was scary and funny at the same time. French language does sound classy when spoken generally but in fights and arguments, they sound weird. Boss's ex-squeeze (ExSqueeze) and I were commentating and monologuing their fight and I have to admit this guy was funny. I know Boss and he had a bit of a mess-up relationship but I gotta give credit to Boss who don't care about how I see of him. CuteDork, ExSqueeze and I were just being dickheads and it was nice to have friends like that.

2am we hit club libre. I met DJ Jay there and my rapper friend, T Lone. The funniest thing was when three guys circled around me and danced. One dude also smiled at me. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what's wrong with burma. normally, I get hit on by girls and it's pretty awesome but getting hit on by guys is just ridiculous. It came to the point that they won't let me go until CuteDork grabbed me from behind and carried me out. He was a six footer so I was easily raised off the ground. I exited the club like a gay man I guess, in the arms of this straight dude which was hilarious. I do really like CuteDork. I like people like him. Positive attitude and just cool to hang out with.

Then, we hit it off to the noodle shop. It was funny cos you got ExSqueeze with Boss and with CuteDork. Boss is flirting with CuteDork and ExSqueeze was there. And both ExSqueeze and CuteDork being English, they clicked well and me loving British humor could actually click in the crowd.

It was a great night.
Worth losing sleep for.
Love it!!!

Decolgen is DA BOMB

For those of you who wants to cure their cold/flu the quickest way possible, just get urself a decolgen pill.. it will stop you from writing long blogs but seriously it'll do you well in no time. Yay

FAT RANT!!!

So they say that sick people eat less... and such sentences go like 'Oh my god, you lost so much weight. Are you ok? were you sick?' or like 'Oh my god.. no wonder you were sick.. look at you.. you're half of what used to be there before'. Well, I OBJECT. I'm so sick right now I feel like a huge iron bar is on top of my face but alas, I ate like a cow. I ate almost half of my dining table for dinner and I kinda scavanged the refrigerator.

So, if you guys think it's a thinning thing to be sick, think again. Cos I just put on a few pounders JUST BY BEING SICK

Fuckin' oath!

Magic number = 5

My nose is blocked and I'm about to blow another tantrum once I get home. I really hate it when I have a flu at the most important time of year/week.

So last night, after spending some time at work, I went to one of my friends' autograph session. It's funny how I thought autograph sessions were supposed to have only those signing who are involved in the product. But it's different in Burma. If you're a celebrity signing autograph for your album launch, your celebrity friends can also sit next to you and sign YOUR album which they got nothing to do with. So, I ended up signing Fishy's records though I wasn't even a part of it. It was funny.

So after the autograph session, we went to this cafe where we talked about real hauntings. So, we went with Double A and his wife and Fishy and her boyfriend. On the way home, Double A gave a finger at some car and some car started to follow ours and I thought it was the car that was given the finger by DoubleA but it was other car. And I knew this ONLY when I got home. So, the whole ride home was kinda scary for me. And yes, as pathetic as I may sound, I slept with my lights on.

So, the analysis team is FINALLY here. JulieAndrews is back. This American lady who I love who used to supervise me before. She's as awesome as ever and she bought me this pink book with a purple necktie on it. I love how she take my gaiety quite in a very fun way. So, I had a FULL DAY meeting with these geniuses and now I felt like shit. And Mingalar Market burnt down today so the black smoke is still around since it had come out at 8am and yes it's like 6pm at the moment. Hopefully no one dies.

So, my tea's gone cold and I wonder why..... got out of bed at all... At the end of day, I got something to smile about. It's Craig and my fifth month anniversary. If you ask me, I'm still in love. Can't help it. I can't help the fact that I'm so into Craig S's... hopefully there's only one hahahaa. Love you, boo!

Stressed Rants

First of all, I would like to celebrate today as the first ever time I've checked out www.cainer.com once again and boy, was I impressed his English has totally declined in the 'riddle me this' genre. Online horoscope should NOT have riddles. It's just illegal and wrong on many levels. So, it was quite refreshing to see Cainer's gone all exactement once again. Love his site once again, while I got two other sidekick facebook applications, Anita and Amora, and those two have been freakishly exact. Weird, huh?

I'm glad I rested last night. I missed one of my friends' wedding and I missed the chance to see Tiger Girls live in Burma. Tiger Girls is just this new girlband in Burma, who's managed by some Aussie chick. So, good connections and all that but in all honesty, I don't know about their vocalabilities but they look downright UGLY. I tried so hard to come up with good words for them. I put on my straight glasses. I looked at them from every angle. I tried to look at this old ugly lady at home and look at their poster. Neither of those methods helped. So yeah, when Hein says they're ugly, they're FUCKING ugly. If they were to come out consecutively in one day from a single mother, I think I'd really pity the doctor's hand for having slapped their mom for raising such an ugly kid. or kids. *shudder*

I miss Craig btw. I don't know if he's torturing me or is this the punishment I get for not being attentive during the past few days. It's working.. I miss him... Oh, the life of overseaness.. you can't even touch anything urghh!!!

Fear In Relationship

I once dated this dude called Louie. Funny, yeah? Even funnier I'm actually using real names. Well, I would call this a proper relationship but then again, we only lasted for a month. Why? Cos I got bored. It just came to a point where Louie and I were mostly just talking to each other on the phone. nothing more, nothing less. Go out and eat. Not even that much sex for some reason. I think Craig's turning into me(back then).

I've been a bit of a failure when it comes to making him feel special. But I guess it's according to the way I've matured and also the fact that I know I'll be with him forever. Somehow, I've stopped being attentive to him. The fact that we both were busy the past few weeks made it worse for me to be as expressive as I used to be. I guess he has a point when he questioned my feelings towards him at the moment.

The truth is I've never stopped loving him but then again, I have somehow lost that ability to make him feel special. It's the stress around me I guess but then I'm not a big fan of making excuses. All I could do is just stare at the screen and wish this man knows how much I love him....

Is It Worth It?

I have decided for the time being that this will be my final humanitarian work. The reasons are just accumulating and it's become a bit of a reality check to me to what I'm in this for. For the heart? or for the money? or for my pride?

1. I have been in meetings where you got everyone around the table having this major discussion to help others. Then, they get into heavy arguments. It would start from a disagreement, which then would power up to an ego war. One side would finally get the point of the other side but given the pressure of the argument they both are in, they would just kept arguing on it until no answers come out. Now, you might wanna times this by ten and that's what you get. If you ask me, it's just a lot of people wasting a lot of time to come up with one simply agreed answer to save others. Not agreeable.

2. When bureaucracy meets passion, it's a self conflict. You're doing something from the top of your heart, giving your all but then it strikes you that the paperworks and the procedures and the protocols must go on as they were mentioned. Sometimes, you lose a lot of stuffs because of these. I understand this is part of a normal working environment but aren't we supposed to be charitable here?

3. I have passion. I love to save people. I would say 'ARE YOU SURE'. The people mentioned above were also those who claims they love to help people. If you like to help people, why don't you just drop your ego and do what you have to and stop wasting your and their time? Now, in the business world, it's a dog eat dog but at least businessmen have the courage to say they're slashing each others' throats. They are pretty honest in saying what they're doing. "We are trying to kill our potential rivals'. Lawyers.. some of them lie in their job. Most of them try to come back to their homes and be all 'normal' and not let their cases get into their heads. The field I work in.. I've adopted passion so many times which were only dispersed into thin air and killed by the lack of those people with the real passion.

4. I do not want to be away from Craig. It's about time I treat home like one. I can't take being away from home I guess. Family will always be there for you but I will need my partner to compliment me as much as I could compliment him.

So, yeah... this will be my last job at this field. I'm sure they are nice people in there but I can be so drawn towards stuffs until I have this passionate fondness in what I'm doing and it pisses me off when it's destroyed by any presence of those who are just doing it for other causes irrelevant to the field...

Small World

It's a small world so they say. But it's so true.

Not so long ago, my cousin got herself involved with this dude "ProducerMan" who wanted to produce an album for her. I liked his vision and I love his choice of songs. He also loves the way I write my music. So we kinda respect each other I guess. It never happened though cos he is after all one of the members of some notorious gangs. Seriously, my family judges shit load...

I used to write about my childhood crush, this girl I've known since I was around 9 and until now. She recently flew back from the states.

So, the connection is..... she is actually dating this dude...
And I had dinner with them. It's funny really cos I didn't know the dude got so much respect for me. Apparently he wrote a song which was pretty popular and then he kinda used my lyrics. To be honest, it was just ONE WORD that I used. He liked that word and he used that word. But then when he had an interview he thanked me in the journal, which, to me, was a gesture of appreciation. And my respect for him just rose.

We talked like we never used to before. I was also happy that I could hang out with my ChildhoodCrush. It was a good night.

Are You the Singer?

Today was weird. It all started after work. I was waiting for my car at the Chatrium Hotel lobby. The waiter was new and he started to circle around my table like he was checking me out. I didn't think he was and I just thought maybe he wanted to know if I wanted a beer or something. So, I completely ignored him, which I thought, would indicate that I do NOT want beer. He came closer and then he started talking. Ready to give him a rejection, I was shocked when he went 'You're a singer, right?'
Me: maybe
Him: I've seen you in journals
Me: haha yeah I've been working on my new album
Him: Give one of your albums to our bar
Me: Sure
Him: You work as well, huh?
Me: Yeah
Him: That's amazing. How do you do it?
Me: Hahaha I guess I'm just a workaholic

bla bla bla. It was a good feeling.
Then at night, after Boss's bday party and Shamrock's farewell, we went to 50th Street for drinks and THEN for SOME WEIRD REASON, the bartender asked me for my autograph. I gave her one. I got really drunk and I ended up going behind their barstands and taking pics with the staffs. I started to dance in the bar with the cocktail shaker urn.

It's funny... it does feel good to be spotted :D

Happy

My Boss from Sydney: are you settled and finding satisfaction in every day life???

Me: Nope
but i'm always trying u know that :):)

My Boss from Sydney: you know i'll never stop caring like your mother x x x
oh , i'm actually sheding a tear for you

Me: awww mama mills
yeah i just wanna get back there
that's all i know
my home is in sydney
that i know for sure

My Boss in Sydney: i love you so so so so so much and when i see photo's of you i see you
making the most of your self. Your potential is unlimited!!!! And when
you accept that and Enjoy that... that's when you'll find satisfaction
in every day life NO Matter where you are


Me: yeah.. i am happy like i always am
but i know i can be happier
so yeah i know i'll be happy if i get there again


My boss in Sydney: but you never know, you might get back here and realise your as
miserable as ever?? it's not the place, but the person inside you


That says it all....
I have to stop running away
I have to be happy again with what I've been given

Life's a Bitch and Then You Die

So I had a day off today. I'm supposed to be happy. I wasn't. I've always been a runner. Not really literally cos if I do run literally I would not be this overweight. Nonetheless, despite the fact that I think that I've been facing the music, I still am running away from myself. I had a time alone with myself today and I couldn't handle it. I slept and I was trying to distract myself in any way possible to get rid of the time on my own.

But yeah, how much could a guy go???

I thought about the reasons why I'm here in Burma. I'm not suffering much but I know that I'm not happy. I'm not really happy about what's happening around me. I don't know what I've been doing. I've always been careful with the things I do but I do realize that that don't really improve anything or make anything better.

I could also be convinced that I'm being a bit too dramatic with my life. But on the other hand, I have fought for happiness. I have tried so hard to learn to be able to face what I have faced in the past. Yet, things keep coming in. Maybe because I have accepted it too much? Am I being soft? Am I trying hard enough? Am I right or wrong?

The fact is I don't know.

But there's nothing better than ending my day with six mugs of beer with my cousin and her husband, who's also been my musician man. I know... I'll get fatter but gymming is in the picture again. It's been an on going struggle. And I guess I'll need to accept the fact that I'm in Burma and I'll have to learn to love the fact that I'm in Burma. Why wait to go to Aussie? If it's on my life radar, it'll happen one day....

For now, I just wanna sleep....
sleep it off
and run away
like I always have
I'm not saying I'm a huge hero but at times, even the person who thinks he's done what he can in life can have his moments.
Life's a bitch....
and then you die

The Departure of Boss

The case with Aunty has taken yet another step. This time around, we're asking a third party to intervene. Solving conflicts, I guess this is yet another method. However, the thing is.. this third party is like my uncle at work and Aunty HATES this person. But then again, I didn't do anything wrong so I'm pretty much confident that I won't be in trouble. I do not really want Aunty to be in trouble as well but I guess it could help if she settles down and stop being such a pain in the ass.

On another note, I had a mixed feeling on learning that Boss is quitting after this month. I don't like it and I would hate to have her go but at the same time, this makes her happy and she is getting a new job which is better for her. As a friend and a brother-like staff to her, I'm extremely happy. But as a selfish bastard, I'm sad cos my life at work would kinda suck. It doesn't help that she and Shamrock will be leaving almost at the same time.\

Tomorrow's my day off. Time to sleep I guess
Something really made me cry today too. It was a good cry type feeling. One of the data checkers came to me and asked me if I were happy at work. I replied Yes because I'm finally ok with the whole mishaps, not caring about the other. And she said 'We need you to be happy at work or else we won't be happy too.' I smiled and I thanked her.. Deep inside, I feel accepted and I wanted to have a bit of a cry. Weak, I suppose haha

I Have A Life

The trick somehow worked. Ok, I wouldn't call it a trick but it's more like a reflectory lessons learnt solution to an issue that's not worth stretching or having. Given I have a life and I've been ignoring for the love of work and since being a workaholic has been a new drug to me, I have somehow forgot that there's more to life than being thought wrong or just hated at work.

Shit broke loose today though. I came into the room at around 8:45 am. And Aunty was supposed to have all of the enumerators ready by 9 am. I waited until 9:40 am and not everyone was there. But since we've got the leaders in the room, Boss and I decided to start the feedback. I did mine and I timed myself. While I was doing the feedback, I could see Aunty talking with some of the enumerators I was talking to. It's rude but it's ok. Then, at 10 am (which theoretically meant I've spent 20 minutes), she yelled 'everyone let's leave'. Now that was just rude. So I looked at her and said "I'm not finished" to which she answered "But we have to go".

Then, I called her back on what she said, given I have 30 minutes with the enumerators, to which she responded with a non-stop yell at my face. Nothing but just screaming. I listened. She rested and I said 'so can I talk now'. She won't let me talk and she kept repeating it. This happened in front of some enumerators and I'm glad I was being professional with it.

Lastly, Boss stopped our convo and I was let free to work with Shamrock while Aunty was asked to have a meeting with the superiors.

I can't care anymore. I wasn't offended either. It was her who's being dramatic and a sorry ass. I walked on and just thought about drinking beer after work....

which, of course , we did.
For once, I got to spend my life again. With Shamrock and Boss, us trio made a perfect sibling group. We headed out to 50 street. We tried not to talk about work but of course talks become talks but most importantly, we laughed at it.

Drama's over for me. I was just happy I got to learn. Some people should totally learn sometimes. Ego is a time waster after all.

Fuck You Bitch

It's one thing to whinge about work and it's yet another whole new category when you have a fifty year old person who's been making your days at work miserable. You start to get influenced negatively towards her actions; you start to get weak and start becoming a different person who always whinges and whines about others to those you trust and love; you start becoming someone who always talks to themselves. To make things worse, you start to eat cookies at 2am at night after a hard day at work, sitting in front of a computer and working long hours with a deadline to meet to get fit for your yet another important career. That person is NOT me.

By becoming affected by Aunty, I have become no one but her. Being nice to her and reacting towards things she did to me.. I've become a low class immature freak of a human being that I am not.

I've always been happy, giving and a nice warm person. Someone who's good to be approached. Someone who always gives time. Someone who always reflects upon himself at the end of day to be a better person the next day. And most importantly, if there was one ability that I know I have, it's the ability to learn.

Despite my stubbornness, I would do anything to learn. I find the mind set of others quite interesting and it's rather funky when one's mind react with the others.

Tonight was the threshold of my knowing. I had a tantrum at Boss some days ago when Aunty started being a bitch of a person to me at work. I just thought it was not fair that we all had to babysit her and see upon what she needs just to make sure things are ok. Just because I'm resistant towards her immaturity, I thought I was taken for granted for not being affected easy by her. But somehow, the culprit was Aunty and Boss was the victim of my two hour breakdown. I had a huge cursefest at her place.

Tonight, I encountered yet another act of a coward. Aunty tried to rain on my parade. I am not going to details about her since I don't find the need to.

In the same way, I don't find the need to become this person I have become. I have a good life, a good family, a good boyfriend and good friends. What have I got to lose? Losing one person in life just because she does not try to learn and co-operate is NOTHING compared to the whole scenario of my world crumbling down in pieces. If I choose to be affected by every act of immaturity that Aunty does, I just knew my life would be in pieces one day.

That's not me.

I miss my life
and I'm gonna take it back, like it or not!

And just for the record, FUCK YOU BITCH!

It's Only Just Begun

How long can a man go on without sleep?
That phrase is pretty useless if you're working for the PR team. After one whole week of trainings and sleepless nights, I have achieved a lot of things.

1. Almost all of the taxi drivers in front of Shwe Gone Dine Hotel (where Boss lives) knows me and my address to the point where I just had to hop in and sleep in the backseat.
2. My friendship with Boss has no limits whatsoever since we both had been through the worst of times and still going strong.
3. It's not advisable to wear black formal shoes to the delta, unless you are looking for a creative way to dye them brown.

On a more serious note, I have achieved the art of professionalism.

1. To always smile at your colleagues but to smile more at those who hate you.
2. To know that every arguements come with a failure package or an answer "NO".
3. To know that the idiocracy threshold is a very important strategy no matter how many people or who you're training.

And to some of those really messed up immature people who's given me hard times (more like just ONE).... seriously, I had no time for you and I still don't..

so the month of may has begun....
what's next on this busy schedule and life of mine???
it's only just begun...