Same waves, different beach

The words that we all fear when we’re in the middle of something without an ending nor a string to hold the pieces of plots together would be words of uncertainty. In addition to this chaos, it doesn’t really help that it’s an uncertainty between two ‘once close friends’ homosexuals who haven’t met but been honest about their love for each other one week ago.

wifeyD uttered some lines today on chat about how he was thinking about what I said last week, followed by how he hate some people very much. OK, here’s the scenario. You’ve mentioned the word ‘love’ to your close online friend and the next thing you know, both of you are following the same pattern that you and your online ex boyfriend had had. It’s only been a week since wifeyD got over his ex so it was only fair enough that I thought that he was implying his ex when he said he hate some people so much, especially when it was linked to what I said the earlier week.

Not really ready for an early rejection or a slap awake to reality, I’ve become unconsciously aware of reality without having to keep myself awake. Why was I in love with this man? I haven’t met him. Yes, there are no rules to having met someone before you actually utter the three words. Somehow, a side of me grew a bit precious that moment as I realized I’m going to be whirlwinding down the same passage I’ve taken with my ex boyfriend of nine months, who I never met.

Do I have a problem? I have so much boys to date around me but why do I fall for those I can’t see or touch? Was I scared of men so much that I rather not see the person I’m with? Am I testing the water to which man would be patient enough to hold on for me before he actually touches my genital?

As I closed my eyes at work to have a sudden realization of fear that I would be riding the same unstable wave into yet another crashdown to the hard sand of an online relationship break-up, I finally had an admission to myself that I am in fact abnormal and I have issues. I don’t know what it is or what it was but I just know that I do not really live life normally.

Listening to: Muse - Escape

Reading men

It’s tough being a gay man, especially when there are two alternatives to reading ever men’s action. A simple pat on the back and a gentle gesticulation of choosing to sit at the backseat of a car, when he could’ve just chosen to sit in the front seat while you sit at the back, can both send out two mixed signals about this man either being a better friend at a good comfort level or being interested in you without actually having to come out.

Since getting dry humped naked by a bar manager two weeks ago, I have been pretty open minded with the gender preference of other men. I’ve stopped using the word ‘gay’ to identify myself or any others who would like to sleep with me, despite owning a penis themselves.

My favorite music video director, the ONLY professional video director I’ve used in my album and the director who happens to like two songs off my album to actually want to be the one to be directing it, directed me, KP and KC today at this dusty warehouse with this pretty hot model. The first contact I had with Director was when he touched my hips, which happened to be in shape of a deflated muffin top of a blow up doll in tight jeans, and mentioned I gained weight. Couldn’t blame him but I was covered with booze the week before.

As the day continued, we ended up at KP’s garden, smoking weed and just chilling with the whole team crew. I was pretty high from the joint but I was too positively sure Director kept staring at me when he addressed something. Maybe it was because I seem to be the only quiet stoner of the group to be able to be grasping every word he said. On second thought, that couldn’t be it, given KC was half as quiet as I was.

Sending KC back home, Director sat in the frontseat while I enjoyed my ride back stoned on the car while the air was blowing my dusty hair from the car window. After dropping KC home, Director chose to sit at the backseat with me. As he leaned a bit towards me in the backseat, I reminded myself that it was how this long limbed cutie would arch himself comfortably as his default sitting position. Knowing I could end up swerving my perceptions to a weird level, I changed the subject of whatever we were talking about to talk about his ‘partner’, who was oversea. He came back here to do the thing he’s passionate about while his partner stayed back.

Call it luck but we reached his house before I got too deep into imagining he was coming onto me and since I do not want to sound like my neurotically ‘creative when it comes to imaginary boyfriend’ Mary, I was able to hold myself back to being convinced that he was a straight man who likes vagina and only that of his lover oversea. However, second thoughts seem to be more efficient in cases like these most of the time and before you know it, it hits yet another entry on my blog.

Listening to: Status Quo – Fun fun fun (Feat. Beach Boys)

One day at a time

Love can do anything to us people I guess. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I think my dad dying young, leaving me on my own with my grandparents, mom and sis, makes me want to be a good dad to my kids in the future. I’ve always wanted to have kids on my own but today I had second thoughts.

Call me a sucker but I got to talk with wifeyD today and we finally have come to a conclusion where we’re both pretty much in love with each other, but this time, both of us admitted. While I took time trying to question myself if I really loved him or not, he took his time getting over his ex. Today just happens to be the day where we both settled with the notion that we both are on the same wavelength, until one of us brought up a topic about children, out of context.

wifeyD does NOT want kids but I do. Although we both concluded our chat with the whole ‘live our present’ decision, I couldn’t help but ended up thinking about our future all night. I know it’s not like I’m gonna get married with someone I just admitted that I love him but it’s not wrong to think of the future. Given I spent one year holding onto wifeyD’s friendship and finally taking a higher step, it’s too possible for us to end up together, that is after either I move to where he is or he moves to where I will be then.

After a lot of thinking, I finally realized how it’s uneasy to have kids after all. I know it’s a fight but at the same time, it’s not easy to FINALLY have one, let alone two. The kid will be born with two fathers, without a maternal support, and he will be in one of those minorities’ groups in school. The kid would also be seen as beyond normal or abnormal. I know these are all worth fighting for but the huge question lies here: “Am I really ready for a kid in the near future?”. The answer is no.

For the time being, I think I would hold onto something that is promising. If I choose wifeyD, I know I’ll get good things out of it. If I choose a kid with a different gay man, I wouldn’t be sure if the gay man would be as good as wifeyD or whether having a kid would actually be a good idea for me.

Am I a good father? Nobody knows!!!!

Listening to: A-Ha – Take on me

CougarTown

I met the Cougar I met last night again at Sedona today.

I love being spontaneous and while being on facebook after coming back home at 10am in the morning from the night before, GermanChickr messaged me to go out tonight to Sedona. Almost a year ago, GermanChickr and I went to Sedona and both of us got so smashed. I taught her how to tie cherry stems with her tongue and we both taught the bartender there as well. We were surprised he got it at first try.

This time around, we did see that cute bartender and GermanChickr was way way faster than me in tying cherry stem knots with her tongue. Cougar was there with her and she’s just lovely. GermanChickr told me that Cougar just recently broke up with her ex. There was this one hot guy who looks like John Cena hitting on Cougar and GermanChickr asked me to go save her from sleeping with him. So, I did and John Cena look alike must really hate me now. There I was, with a woman ten years+ older than me in the middle of the dancefloor with people staring at us. The funny thing was how the prostitutes were staring at us as well.

Given they don’t wanna be judged, I find it quite hypocrite of them to eye me and Cougar. I used the attention and danced more with Cougar. So, I ended up being the boytoy in a lot of the viewers’ point but deep in my heart, I know that I just saved my dear friend from sleeping with another man who would just break her to pieces and I’m glad I did that.

Listening to: Morcheeba – Be yourself

The gay missionary

Tonight highlights PukeBag’s farewell party and I hate to actually have that notion in my brain given I really love her and I don’t wanna see her leave. So, I went to 50 street to catch up with her and a lot of others. Well, that’s part of the blog entry but here comes the real deal.

I’ve heard of straight guys having sex with other men out of curiosity. Some because of alcohol. Some as a beginning of coming out of the closet. I don’t know what Biker’s point was but I never saw myself in bed with a straight guy even though both of us weren’t even that drunk.

I was one of the few that was left at 50 street at around 4:30 am in the morning. Biker, the dude I’ve always talked to and the dude I found cool, was there as well, along with a Scottish guy and a cougar that I once blogged about, who turned out to be an awesome Italian woman. It was a nice chat and Biker mentioned about how he was getting bored of fucking girls and that he was thinking of trying fucking guys. Then, I argued that wouldn’t make any difference given it’s just yet another hole of another gender he’d be involved with.

When everyone left, Biker, the Scottish and I went to Biker’s house to smoke some joint. His shit was pretty strong and after six puffs, I was falling asleep on his couch. Biker asked both of us to sleep on his bed but only I agreed. There was nothing sexual there.

Minutes later after Biker and I were on his big bed, he started groping me, which I found pretty weird. Then, before you know it, we were like two teenage boys trying m2m sex for the first time. Now, as I have mentioned above, if he just wanted a piece of ass, he would just penetrate and get it over with. However, he fondled, gave head, kissed me and jerked me off and might I add, he likes being spooned.

Have I turned a straight man into a bi or am I one of those guys who just found out Biker is indeed a bottom bi.

Listening to: Bruno Mars – Who is

The grudge

Someone intelligent would try to start a topic to someone she/he is talking to and if she finds out that both of them are not on the same wavelength, given he/she’s intelligent, he/she would change topics. However, this was not something Translator would do despite being smart.

So, we have a new boss at work and it was a title that Translator would have gotten if only she didn’t leave for another job. The new boss, Hawaiian, wanted to make some changes in one of the projects that we were doing when Translator was around. The more stupid thing was how she was not even part of the lead for that project and she’s been sending emails back and forth, indicating how wrong this is.

A trip to the canteen for a piece of cake was just wrong since I was forced by Translator to listen to her story. She, knowing I am not really seeing things from her side, should have just shut up but she just went on. I’ve mentioned once how I was not a fan of Hawaiian but to be honest, he does have his good points and I cannot stand siding someone just cos I have to. So, I listened to Translator being extremely immature and childish at an age of 40, with a husband and three kids, wondering how the fuck her kids would grow up with a mother this one sided, angry, jealous and practically immaturely biased. God bless her family.

Listening to: Bjork – Show me forgiveness

The catch

Steve kept going on and on about how awesome these two kids are. Both 15 and both having talent, he’s been trying to invite me and KP over to his house to come listen to what these kids have.

I knew there was a catch somewhere to be honest. I mean, why would Steve, all of a sudden, be so intrigued in music or making someone big. The worst thing is how I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything about it. Yes, Steve is one of my very close friends and I would do anything for him but only up to what I can. Let alone helping these kids out in the industry, I have just started my struggle to the way up in this industry.

So after a beer bottle or two at Steve’s place, he finally revealed ‘the catch’. One of the kids’ dad was this good businessman he could do business with. Well, I told him if I had known earlier, I could’ve put one of those kids to rap in my album but I’m glad that KP’s gonna help mix their songs.

Post break up

The morning started with my grandparents announcing they are planning to release a book of poems written by both of them. I shared this with wifeyD, to which we both showed the ‘singleton’ syndrome to. I mean, come on, my grandma was married to my grand-dad since she was like 17 and to say something like this to their single gay grandson, who believes in love, was just too much to take for a Tuesday morning.

Being FINALLY single was not really harsh I guess. I got three messages today from JapanMr, SP and a stranger. JapanMr and I met on a gay chat line like yonks ago and we added each other on facebook and of course, we tried to keep in touch as much as we can. Call it co-incidence but lately he’s been on a flirt spree with me and it’d be good to meet up with him soon. SP and I met through gaydar yonks ago and we never got to meet but somehow he’s added me on Facebook and we’ve been in touch ever since. I didn’t know he was this serious about coming to Burma to pay me a visit but somehow his message about meeting up seems too serious to be taken as a joke. Now, the final mr, Stranger, was some dude who messaged me on Facebook and I checked him out and he was this muscled hot guy with white ‘unbalding’ hair. A bit of that Anderson dude from CNN, he was UBER HOT, but he’s got a boyfriend. Now, they say ‘enjoy the moment’ and I certainly did when I read what his message said “You got pretty cute pics in your profile”. Thanks Stranger.

On the other hand, BigFace finally opened up that I have a voice like his ex boyfriend, who’s in Malaysia, and I joked that I could be his substitute, to which I wasn’t serious to be honest. JohnnyBoi, on the other hand, messaged me saying he wants to meet up with me and do stuffs. I joked about us both being bottoms, to which he said “It’s ok, my boyfriend is just so far away and I want to touch you”.

Ok, STOP! Maybe, it was a good Tuesday to have this much attention from good men all over all at once, but I do NOT do other people’s boyfriend, I do NOT do substitute boyfriend and lastly, I don’t think I’m ready for anything serious. However, it was good for an ego boost as I walked back to my ‘workout’ dungeon to sharpen my muscles once again to look better.

Post-break up. Here I come!!

Listening to: David Archuleta – My kind of perfect

Website under pressure

Who could’ve thought I work well under pressure? We had a meeting today, a weekly one and it’s true I’ve been asked to do a website since I first got this job but it was always interrupted. Googlegroup not allowing uploads, IP addresses not accessible, unfixable codes and most recently, I’ve been pulled away by SitarBro a lot to do other stuffs. So, it was kinda uncool when he showed his disappointment in front of everyone at the meeting about how this wasn’t done. Hello, sir, you kept pulling me to do different things. A web developer normally locks himself up in a basement and he doesn’t have to actually call people to form social networks with any chair from other agencies. However, I was begged to differ.

Upset, I went to my cubicle and started working on the website as much as I could and surprisingly I cracked all the hard codes to get the whole mechanism running. A little bit of completing the website and beautifying the structure is left.

To be honest, trusting SitarBro to be a good boss, I chose to change myself. Maybe, I have to say no more. Maybe I have to use time management more cleverly. So, I guess in the end, it’s me who’ll have to learn from this. He’s a decent man to be honest, so no hard feelings. He always makes me smile after every meeting anyways. There are three things that he always say in meetings:- “Headless chicken”, “nitty gritty” and “milking a cow”. Of course, they’re used as metaphors unless it’s a meeting with the agriculture agency. So, everytime I have a meeting with SitarBro, I would make a bet with myself that he would say one of the followings.

Damn, I was right and that made me smile. He said “headless chicken”.

Listening to: Cathy Dennis – Too many walls

Superheroes and their underwears

Life is so mysterious and it's only fair that you have a corner in your mindset for a lot of things that contradict with your view upon several things. Despite the saying 'what makes us different makes us beautiful', like any other obstacles in life, it comes with a downer. What makes us different can somewhat group us into a minority level and somehow we do get lonely, misguided and pretty much uncertain by the reaction.

As a kid, I've always found amazement in wearing a superhero mask and pretty much wearing a short shorts on my long pajama pants. I would imagine I could save the world with my superpower. Little do I know about the lack of appreciation and the ignorant approach society could have on them, superheroes.

Yes, it's true.. any newspapers could love to publish a column about a flying man in blue tights with a red tight underwear on top. People love to be the first to see this 'thing' or just to be able to talk to this individual.

However, superheroes are encountered with the lack of acceptance from the norm.
(1) People find it quite hard to contribute towards a conversation with these superheroes.
(2) People get intimidated by the way they can't do the things superheroes do, so they hardly question itnor accept it.
(3) People find it hard to relate to the ability.
(4) People feels safe to be ignorant of the superpowers.
(5) People can't adjust these into their norm.

At the end of day, after a superhero saves a life, he ends up crouched on his sofa watching sitcoms with Oreo, hoping to get rid of the loneliness they feel inside in order to meet that someone who would have the same superpowers as he does.

Little do we all know that we all share some sort of superpowers among us but some of us feel a bit too out of the norm to bring it to a sanity level.

It's mardi gras time in Sydney, Australia this weekend. Now, I want you guys to read the above and instead of 'superheroes', put in the word 'human beings'.
Instead of 'superpower', put in the word 'monogamy'

How do you feel????
We all know it exists and we all crave for it but are we, as good people, too scared to wear our underwears on top of our blue lycra?

Happy Mardi Gras, people!
and just believe in yourself that 'monogamy' is sought often but it's right there in your heart.
Stay true to your loved ones
and just know that life is not worth regretting
life is worth living with the one you love!!

Listening to: Norah Jones - More than this (feat. Charlie Hunter)

Loved for my negativity

The run down is always tough, especially when you don’t really notice that it’s happening but instead you just think you’re way in the normal condition and it’s just what’s around you that is affecting your emotions.

wifeyD went through two emails of me telling him what he ought to know about things between us. I apologized for that today, knowing I was too honest with him. You see, people always blame things on alcohol, pms or other similar things that they could, which can be relied on when it comes to mood swings. I did blame it on the aftereffect of what I took. However, I also believe that what we do or say do not really depend on what we take, but it’s totally dependent on our true self.

I told wifeyD that everything I’ve said was the truth but knowing I had chemicals in my system, I wasn’t able to think it through or decide which words are right for what time. So, yeah, I did feel guilty for the things I’ve done to wifeyD .

Surprisingly, I got an email back with three things that made me smile. Care, worry and the word “love”. I guess I’ve been totally assuming things so wrong about me and wifeyD after all. I guess after being there for someone for a couple of times when they’re in need and not really appreciated, I think it’s kinda cool to be accepted for the negative side of me while they’re there for me. It’s just the moment for the time being….. the moment will come and when it does, it can be the start of something big and really good.. for a change.

Listening to: Justin Timberlake – Sexyback (pokerface Remix)

Stoned classy

Four chems pills, 37 hours with no sleep including 8 hours of work, 3 weed joints and a bottle of wine later, I was ready to just sink my head into my pillow.

Spesh Meds, or drugs in general, are so underrated. I do believe that there are a lot of people who are so hooked on drugs and how their reactions kinda affect the surroundings. In my opinion, it ain’t the drugs fault. It’s actually the user’s. Ranging from psychopaths to business tycoons, it’s quite obvious that they have different ways of getting drugfucked, drugnormed or drugfreed. Drugfucked is quite self explanatory. Drugnormed are those who just acts like undrugfucked people do. Drugfreed are those who has no whatsoever reactions. Which category am I in? I’d choose the norm.

I can get high for quite a while but nothing really makes me wanna do it again unless I want to do it again over a long period pause. Classy druggers, as I would name them, are those who are not addicted to any spesh meds and kinda does it for social reasons.

So, if you ask me, I feel normal and I don’t feel like I have to do this again. I’m feeling really tired now though. This blog should totally pay me for flooding their bandwidth spaces with my entries despite the fact that I’m totally stoned and sleepy. Peace!

Listening to: Bjork – Headphones