Exhaustion comes in number

Life is pretty unfair sometimes. I mean, I’m not complaining about the mishaps that have happened to me since a week ago but I just wish it all doesn’t come in one big go.

I knew this week was gonna be busy but I was never ready to face it on my own. It’s true I fucked up my relationship/trust with my boyfriend (well, ex) and it’s true there’s no way to convince him that I do in fact feel stupid and pretty much wanna get back to where we were before with him at this phase. I’ve started to ignore my friends because I can’t stand having to talk about my breakup, especially when I know I’m the one who’s in the wrong. Naturally I couldn’t stop blaming myself ever since.

Office in the morning, studio in the night until 2am and 4 hours sleep to get back to work, where I’m asked to do lots of things in one go. Why this week? I was pretty much free most of the time when I wasn’t single. And why does this trip to the beach have to be in two days? Why am I not looking forward to it? Shouldn’t divorcees take deep breaths and continue their lives with a trip with their friends?

I don’t know. I feel so lost and alone and I have no clue who to ask hugs from. I just hope things would come slowly if they were meant to fuck me up more, emotionally and physically. How long can I stand this exhaustion? How long can I take this? How long can I keep acting strong?

Who knows? I’ve lost my inner voice already it’s only stupid enough to keep questioning myself. I’m so tired. I just want to rest somewhere now for a day.. for a week.. maybe for a long period of time..

The only thing that's worse than one is none

In Between 

S. Hein

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Some songs mean so much sense when they're written for you.

The present

Sometimes, the present bores us. You sit around and wait for things to happen or you just pretty much wonder how you get here so far. Time passes and somehow you lost track of the purpose of your initial thoughts. The domino effect such the process ‘thinking’ causes is pretty amazing, considering the length of varieties it has inside the strip of thoughts.

As much as I like to plan, I’ve given up today. So, yesterday I planned to stop using facebook and any media sources to avoid BooMan. Why need I do that? He’s not a bad guy. He’s just someone who’s not my boyfriend anymore. I kinda saw hope between us although I have to add I was pretty much destroyed by the past. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m going through the funeral phase. Damage is done, I hurt a guy and I’ve learnt my lessons. What to do?

I guess I just want to focus on other important things for now.

So, speaking of the present, I was pretty amazed at how my kids were doing given I couldn’t go to the dance lesson yesterday. Well, it was more of my miserable emotions playing up and I couldn’t really see myself bearing kids looking up to me to come up with more Justin Bieber moves to make themselves look cool. I don’t wanna let them down so I kinda avoided the choreo class yesterday. They did well today. Not only did the group know their dance moves but they were making so much of their own moves. I want to boost their chances of thinking they have a ‘say’ in this process. I want them to feel proud of their moves. So, I started agreeing to what they want and kinda fixed what needed to be fixed. I felt bad for moving QuikEMart to Group 3, which I was pretty sure he wasn’t happy with. But I told him I moved him because Group 3 needed some smiles in the group and he happened to have the best smile. Oh brother, I gotta teach him how to smile now. Why, kiddo, why?

It was nice to catch up with BigSis. As usual she held onto my hand and she was being honest about things around me. I never asked for her views. Maybe it might contradict mine. It might contradict BooMan’s. However, I was pleased she was pleased to hear me say I’ve wronged this time. What can a man do after his flaws? He can try not to repeat it again I guess. As for dreams coming true, I rely on time and place at the moment. It’s true I will never find anyone like BooMan. If I do, I’ll be lucky but I guess I’m not in any hurry at the moment. And yeah, he deserves to have a good time in KL or in Sydney. I do love him and I wish him well.

My day ended with one of the best weddings I’ve been through. Looking at RyRy and Pooh marry was joy to me. I used to remember late night calls I used to make to RyRy when he said he was gonna break up with Pooh cos he was going to be abroad. I’m not really sure if they remembered anyways and I don’t really expect that but a hug and a thank you from both of them made me smile. I’d normally think why does good things happen to other people and not me but this time around, I couldn’t stop smiling at the huge achievement I’ve made by playing a small role between them. Cute couple, I’m proud of them and I wish them both a happy prosperous marriage life.

Haha, my marriage life? Let’s just say it’s not something I should think about at the moment.

Listening to: Sugar Ray – Closer

The ghost of Boo

Life’s pretty unfair. I’ve given up on getting BooMan’s attention and I’ve been trying to win him back, which hasn’t been pretty much useful. Before you know it, everything around me reminds me of him, his gmail emails before he started his ignoring spree, his facebook pic and even his presence on gtalk. I’ve pretty much ignored the pain I’ve been feeling cos I was in the wrong and I gotta things right for us to grow again.

I’ve ignored the fact that he didn’t want me to come to KL, I’ve been working on my visa. I’ve even found myself someone who would pay for my KL ticket but I failed to get someone to give me their place for me to stay over when I get to KL. To make things worse, since my passport expiry date’s pretty much less than six months around the time of my stay in KL, I got rejected for my visa.

I’m pretty much in a very depressive mood at the moment. Been stupid, been told I’m stupid and I’ve pretty up screwed up something good that I had and nothing would be good enough to change it. Forget mine or BooMan’s efforts, luck doesn’t even seem to be on my side.

I can’t really stand not getting emails from him anymore. To make things worse, the mixing engineer worked on the song I wrote for BooMan. I was invited to a wedding of a friend. I was also reminded about how awesome an airport can be when two lovers re-unite from oversea.

I guess the best thing for me to do right now is to let fate work its course and since working has been pretty much bitchy lately, it’s only fair that I try to get rid of every media sources that reminds me of BooMan. I do still love him and that will never ever change. Maybe we’re meant to be and maybe we’re not but until I’m ready to be better to be strong again, I don’t really dare to go to places I’ve been once with him around me.

The after life

It’s not really fair for someone like me to have to pretend everything’s going well. It’s one good thing to have a lot of friends but it’s bad to have them all caring about you. It’s awesome but when you know you are the cause of a break up, it’s not easy trying to put words into their mouths to make sure they don’t blame my ex or they don’t think I’m evil. It was just a mishap and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Thirty minutes of sleep later, I zombied my way through work. Kinda amazed I could give a ten minutes presentation, to which I saw people nodding and giving full attention and an offer at the end of the presentation to work for other companies. It was hard actually. My heart still ached and I was constantly on heart pills. Gotta thank the fact that my grand-dad has whatever it takes for me to stop hyperventilating when shit happens.

I was tempted to go out with DoubleA. Unfortunately, I had to tell him about what happened since he called me up for drinks at night (by drinks, I mean fruit juice) and knowing him, he could always tell when I’m as fucked as this. I would’ve gone and killed time with him but my conscience said ‘sleep’.

The amazing thing was how I couldn’t sleep even after only a thirty minute sleep the night before. Weird huh?

Listening to: Ayaka – Mikazuki

The burn

They say curiosity kills the cat but I think it actually kills relationship and trust. Ask any mothers how a child is born as a pyromaniac. We kids find flame pretty amazing. The way the flame sparks in our eyes and the way the blue tip appears out of nowhere on the fiery red line above the yellow glow with the white medium in the middle. Mom tells us not to play with it. We love it until we play with it for too long to get bruised and depending on how big our scars are, we try not to let that happen in the future. Sometimes, knowing it burns, we forget the consequences and tend to play with fire again.

Growing up, after we see fireworks and fireguns, we turn into the pyromaniac we used to be as a baby. The spark amazes us, the flame intrigues us and the way the color varies as the flame lingers onto the burning piece makes us wonder if we are actually old enough to play with fire again, hoping we’d let go of the pain once we feel a sudden rush of sting from the heat. Then, we kinda got a bit enthused in seeing how we could hold onto this fire. Will we get immune to it? Will the cure afterwards feel better?

The fire within me extinguished too late last night and the aftermath of feeling guilty to have started the fire, filled with pride, lingered on today as I drove my boyfriend (well, ex now) insane with my selfish pride and fear of something that is not even there. I drove him to the edge and he exploded with a decision made to being single again, cancelling meeting up, avoiding phone calls and leaving me pretty much on my own.

It felt like a funeral. You know.. when a person dies, you can’t do anything to revive him or her back but yet the day goes on. Time betrays you and the ‘so called’ past which used to have a promising future gives a pretty much unintended present and you just wish you were the one in the coffin instead of the element that has been taken away from you. What if I was the one who don’t have to suffer from this loss? What if I just disappear? It was an unwanted calmness where I was forced to stay in a room listening to my own breath.

My eyes itched as facebook became accessible on the work puter. I found it hard to breathe and my chest gave a throbbing pain as I realized that my ex boyfriend is ‘single’. Feeling like a kid who is hated in the class and also pretty much let down by the teacher, I had no one to blame but myself. I kept swallowing air into my dry throat as tears started to fall down my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I’m not gonna cry. This is just a break up. It’s natural in life. It’s part of life.

Then, it amazed me how I’ve been totally out of touch with the way I used to feel when Simon left me. Simon left me not because he was an asshole. Well, maybe he was or he wasn’t but thinking back, I did the same thing I did to BooMan. I drove him crazy with insecurities. I let the fire burn inside me and the person who I had no idea of took control of my body and made decisions. My instincts ran fowl and my inner voice was not heard anymore.

The calm before the storm. What did I learn? I learnt that no matter how much you think you could have survived the heat you felt from the first burn, it’s better being dead than breathing after the second burn. As I thought to myself, I have no idea what my future holds anymore. I’m sad, torn, betrayed by my own intelligence and most of all, I’ve let go of the one man I’ve loved and still can’t get out of my head since eleven months ago that we fell in love. Three months ago that I proposed to him on the phone. A day ago that we were planning on meeting each other.

Folks, Hein is dead!.

Listening to: Green Day – 21 guns

ADHD fwens

I’ve been told that I have this severe case of adapting ‘ADHD’ into my system. It’s pretty understandable until I encountered someone worse than me.

MissMyanmar helped me get to the clinic to have my blood test. So, the blood test itself was horribly expensive but the ‘package’ deal was pretty affordable. Before you know it, I was running around the rooms. Had my arm injected, ECG, X-rayed and my bmi measured. I never knew what ECG was until I found myself lying in bed with gel on my nipples and some sucker pump on my chest and stomach. I had no idea what was gonna happen but it was just these puny suckers giving a pressure in the size of a weak hump. The X-ray doctor was funny. She was telling me how she wanted me to breathe in deep when she asked me to and ONLY when she asked me. She repeated that so many times and she told me not to breathe beforehand or else I go out of breath. Wasn’t really paying attention, I heard ‘turn blue’, ‘suffocate’ and ‘faint’ and just guessed what she said.

Now, let’s get back to MissMyanmar’s ADHD moments.

1. I asked her what I would have to do if I was going for a blood test, to which she answered ‘drink water’ thinking I was going for my urine test.
2. I was talking to her about how insecurity grows unwanted when you’re in some relationship mishaps and I asked her what I should do to get rid of these insecurities to which she answered “Go to UNDSS for security trainings” thinking I was asking her about security courses.
3. I told her I might be staying at the Hiltons in Malaysia, to which she said “That’s nice. Chinatown”. Well, Chinatown is ‘ta yote tann’ in Burmese.

So, I was pretty happy I wasn’t the only one in the world with a short attention span or ADHD or hearing issues.

Listening to: Fallout Boys - I'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me + you)

The adventure of the UN-Boy

I remind myself of a character from Enid Blyton today at work. His characters are always curious and totally opposed to the term ‘homeboy/homegirl’. Hopping around, solving mysteries, going off to another world where you have people with a saucer as a head and practically making good use of time NOT being inside the house, I was pretty much on a ‘wandering’ mode at work.

The Canteen:
Remember that cleaning lady who made me lime juice? The one who’s got a malaria infected brain and a non healing breast? Well, I met her on the way to the canteen and she was talking about how there’s a possibility of a drop in price tags in shops because of this change in Myanmar politics. I kinda did the sympathetic nod and this is the Lady Diana nod which I maneuvered whenever I have no opinion to a statement but could empathize how it came out of someone’s mouth. Then, the lady surprisingly asked me for 2000 kyats. Now, I know I’m not a big fan of spoiling money askers or beggars but this lady is no beggar and 2000 kyats is only three days worth of ‘two pornos per day’ DVD rental. So, I chucked out two 1000 kyats notes and handed to her, only to be given back a big slap in the face. Metaphorically! She said “Oh my son, may you get married with a beautiful girl in the future.” I gave her a nervous chuckle as I, as an Enid Blyton character, wander off the canteen, forgetting what I came in for, to yet another room at work.

The Toilet Walls:
MissMyanmar and I went to the toilet together. Well, not to the same room of course. She went to the ladies and I went to the gents (DUH!) and when I got to the urinals, just as I was about to ‘squeeze my lemons’(a term my cousin taught me to describe the act of you trying to release this throbbing urge you’ve got in your genitals to want to pee), MissMyanmar yelled from the Ladies’ toilet. Now, you gotta remember that the toilet is separated by a wall and it’s pretty symmetrical horizontally to the ladies’ room. So, surprised I could hear her, we began to multitask in the toilet, talking while peeing. As soon as we got back to the office, we alerted the other colleagues how things can be heard through both toilets. Once a ‘recreation center’ (named by MissMyanmar on toilets since it is the only place to go bitch about work, try on clothes or release tension for ladies) where my colleagues would use when stressed, the UN first floor toilet became ‘NOT’ quite the place for any recreational purposes anymore. Doomed are we!

The analysis pimp:
I admit I kinda over-exaggerated when I said I wander around at work like an Enid Blyton’s character, given I only went to the canteen and the toilet. However, that’s quite a lot compared to my usual self in the office. Always in front of the puter most of the time, today just seems quite special. Now, getting back to the time in front of the puter. So, I have automatically volunteered to be the pimp between an analyst and a research team. Get how weird it is! The analyst, who we love to call by two initials alphabet which means BubbleGum in Myanmar language, sent out these questions he wanted to be surveyed. The leader of the research company, Hawaiian (yes he’s been there but he’s Myanmar), took these questions, placed them in his questionnaire and did a research and finally sent the data back to BubbleGum. I was forwarded these emails and I kinda tried to study what Hawaiian gave to BubbleGum. An excel spreadsheet of weird question numbers and data. BubbleGum was furious and he wanted to be sure what he’s getting were answers to what he wanted. Let me just straighten out the dumbness that Hawaiian chucked!
- He did not attach the ‘actual’ questionnaire in which he placed BubbleGum’s questions. I mean come on, given his spreadsheet’s question numbers are based on his own questionnaire, how was BubbleGum to know which data represents which questions.
- BubbleGum asked what the ‘NULL’ values were, to which he answered ‘it means no one answered’. HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The reason why BubbleGum asked was because he wanted to know why there were so many blanks not because he, the analyst, does NOT know what NULL value means.
- Hawaiian finally sent the questionnaire but it was in Myanmar language. Now, does he expect BubbleGum to miraculously learn Myanmar language in two hours?

So, as usual, I became the pimp between them, setting out the spreadsheet straight. I’ve been told I do a good job at work but sometimes, I wonder if it’s because I’m actually smart or just because others are so busy they do not give enough time to kinda make themselves averagely smart. What Hawaiian did was just insane and it could be solved with two hours in front of the puter. I mean, given a big research company, doesn’t he have someone to do that?

So, you’ve been reading a blog entry of an Enid Blyton’s character for today. Signing off to la la land to converse with saucer head and the naughty girl in class, I shall see you soon!

Listening to: Scissor Sisters – Any which way

BBQ with the beach bashers

Distraction would be the first word which I should think about regarding my ongoing thirst for Kylie and Danni and I got it right away, thank god. Second dry day and work was as usual. SitarBro was talking about extending my contract and lately there has been a lot of complication going on regarding that extension. Bureaucracy is such a motherfucker at times.

DoubleAWife called just as I was about to finish work and we hit the bbq cos one of her friends got back for three weeks from Singapore. People I just met from NOL’s birthday were there, well not the gay ones. So, one of TTM’s favorite friends, CS, was thinking of bailing out of her birthday beach bash. CS, who just got back from the states, will be going to Singapore in a few days and not pretty sure when she’d be back. TTM was kinda agitated with that, hoping CS make it to her beach bash. TLM sent NOL and me back home and it was a good early Monday night.

Ah well.. the entry sounds better without my usual ‘philosophical’ thoughts, eh? :P

Listening to: Keren Ann - Seventeen

14 days 14 nights

So my smart ass boyfriend came up with this plan ages ago where we have to stay dry and untouched for a month or so. Given we only have two weeks to meet, today marks the first day of our ’14 days 14 nights’ routine.

Rule Number 1: NO PORNO
So this is gonna be tough. Given I’ve been living on that, be it straight or gay, since I haven’t been able to have any sexual contacts with anyone or even ANYTHING around me, unless that individual has a name tag with BooMan’s name on it.

Rule Number 2: Kylie and Danni on tour
I’ve been pretty much hooked on masturbation. What? Nothing wrong with that word, might I add. It’s a thing most people do anyways. So, given I’ve been living a ‘me and my hand’ life, I’ve begun to learn how to be left handed and started naming my body parts. So, yep Kylie and Danni will both be on tour.

So yes it’s still day one and I’m itching to just get a sock, Kleenex and a bottle of lube under my blanket!

Listening to: Goldfrapp - Believer

Birth of QuikEMart

If you think choreographing 15 kids from age range of 5-11 is easy, think again. And kids in Myanmar are much more non-outgoing and shyer than those from international schools.

Call it habit but it seems like my English has gone a bit too formal lately. I was talking big words to the kids like ‘complimentary’, ‘biased’ and ‘appreciate’. I don’t know.. those words seem so easy at the moment but I swear when I was their age, I did not know of these words. So, I had to keep reminding myself that I am talking to kids with age range of 5-10, who do not have “English” as their mother language.

The kids were great but it was so hard to choreograph them after actually choreographing myself or people who were so much better than me before. If I gave them easy moves, I feel stupid and pretty uncool and if I gave them hard moves, I felt like they would lose interest cos it looks too hard. So, it was pretty difficult to handle kids’ choreography.

It doesn’t help that there was one kid, who was 10 and he was a bit of a hyper one. There’s always someone who’s ‘special’ among any kids group. Like Alfafa in Little Rascals and that booger picking kid from ‘The Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ or ElMira from Looney Toons, there’s ALWAYS one kid who is ‘special’. This kid, who I would like to nickname QuikEMart , is special. He’s obedient and quite adorable but he gets totally hyper and he would get a bit bipolar at times. Now, like any other parents in denial of their kids’ sanity, his parents refuse to do ANYTHING that would boost his sanity up. So, yeah, I ended up putting him in another group where the dance moves will be breezy. I love the kids but god, kids choreography is such hard job!

P.S. Happy birthday to my one and only gay daughter hahahaha. Love ya, NOL !

Listening to: Muse – Supermassive black hole

Dreams

BooMan wanted to meet me at this place called “The Mall”. To be exact, at a coffee shop. It was either Coffee Beans or “Starbucks”. When I met him, he had this horror look on his face and I asked what was wrong and he said he was worried I wouldn’t like the way he looks in real life. I looked at him and he was actually hotter than he looks in his pics. I threw my arms around him, got him to stand up and kissed him passionately. We were gonna rush off to the nearest toilet/hotel when my alarm clock rang and I found out it was an hour and 45 minutes until I get my ass to the office. Dang!

I told BooMan about my dream and it was funny because there isn’t anything called “The Mall” in Sydney and CoffeeBeans only exist in Perth, though I’ve seen some outlets in Singapore. I told BooMan about it and then he told me how the new mall in Pitt Street opened last week and I remembered that the mall in my dream resembled the food court I used to go to when I was in Sydney. Oh yeah, and it’s called the Westfield mall!

Then, BooMan came back online all excited around 4pm to tell me that his boss told him to go to KL in two weeks time and he googled ‘The Mall’ in KL and there’s one; not to mention “Coffee beans” having an outlet in KL as well. I finally agreed to it since I really want to meet my husband at last. So, I was pretty amazed at my precognitive self and I’m pretty excited to finally get to touch BooMan, let alone kiss.

I have had a history with this psychical incident. When I was seven, I was really sick and I would hear fire trucks and then I recited the name of the place which burnt down to find out it was actually that place in the newspapers the next day. When I was a monk around eleven, this one dude came up to me to teach me how to calculate luck dates. So, I was able to calculate the dates when people should do things; lottery, car sales or other stuffs. I’ve been pretty serious doing beads this time around. I refuse to drink and I do it everyday punctually and as serious as I could. Maybe it’s that effect? I don’t know!

God, I can’t wait to see BooMan!

Listening to: Billy Talent - Surrender

Cool people

I swear if I were someone too stubborn enough to learn from mistakes, I would still be the bitter self that I used to be as a high school kid. It used to suck thinking everyone around me was just so cool while I end up being happy with games and Japanese comic cards with some friends back in high school. Our class was NEVER the cool one but we do love each others a lot; the classmates that is. Then, as I grew older, I felt intimidated by those ‘cool’ people around me. Every now and then, I would still feel that but it wouldn’t be as worse as before.

People talk bad shit about these ‘cool’ people but we all know how much we want to be them. Prom queens are sluts and jocks end up with beer bellies but we all want to be in their shoes while the moment lasted. So, we ended up transforming into this person who easily hate these types and wish nothing better for ourselves. Then, we become these bitter creatures easily ridiculed by these ‘so called’ people.

Years later, here I am sitting in the same table with one of the most popular stars in Myanmar. Now, some people call her crazy shit and I used to bitch about her on my blog cos she can be quite crazy at times. I don’t really see her as those ‘cool’ people but she is quite the ‘happening’ icon people want to get to know. After I sat down for a dinner with her, I felt bad at how I used to judge her before. She was just fun and normal. I thought she was gonna be giggly and all tip toey like other bitchy celebrities but I was wrong. She actually was a good person to talk to. I don’t know her much yet and I’m not really that worried about getting to know her or not, but thanks to the fact that I tried to get to know her before I judged her negatively, now I got to realize how much of a normal cool person she actually is!

PPKT, thou art normal and I respect that!

Listening to: Midnight Star – Midas touch

His world

I have to admit I have a newfound respect for Justin Bieber. Ok, so at first I was ok with Justin Bieber, given I grew up under the influence of Aaron Carter and those tire-screeching-sounding Hanson boys. I mean, his songs are catchy and he doesn’t really sound as tire-screechy as the Jonas Brothers. So, I was cool with it until the song “Baby” became Myanmar’s clubs national anthem.

It’s not everyday you hear of a twenty nine years old man who goes home with a Justin Bieber CD after a meeting with big mack-daddies from other countries. I was asked to choreograph ten 10 years old kids to a Justin Bieber song. It was a favor from Steve and it was funny how he and I were sitting in a bar talking about Justin Bieber.

So, I got home and checked out the DVD and I was pretty surprised at how OK this kid is. I mean, he so deserves the success. I saw some of his live performances and he sure can sing as good as he could in his album. Dance routines are not lame and it’s pretty Usheristic. I don’t know.. after watching how much this boy has gone through, I gave up on disliking Mr Bieber and somehow began to appreciate and respect what this whizkid could do.

Ah well, now back to the drawing board for this 29 year old man to think of Justin Bieber dance moves for his ten 10 years old boys.

Listening to: Brian McFadden – Just say so (feat. Kevin Rudolph)

The lingering past

The past exists. Grammatically it is incorrect but the past always lingers around us. In thoughts, in dreams and in other sources that remind us back of ‘those’ days. Like it or not, it’s always there.

MaleA was married to FemaleB and I never made it to their wedding actually. They are the sweetest couple I’ve seen and I was part of the process. Ages ago, when MaleA was going for FemaleB, a couple tried to stop them. What happened was I became the dude who listened to everything four of them said. The couple told MaleA that FemaleB broke up with her boyfriend and that she’s not worth the fight and about how she’s a ho. The couple told FemaleB that MaleA wasn’t worth the love. I couldn’t stand longer and I recorded what the couple said on the phone and gave it to both MaleA and FemaleB. They were gutted about how their couple friend could be such backstabbing friends.

They were in a fight like two days ago only cos MaleA was reminded of the past, when FemaleB was confused about which guy to choose and how MaleA was not really happy that FemaleB at first chose the other dude. I mean, this was the past! Listening to them, I heard myself talk. I guess the past will ALWAYS be there to haunt us I guess but it’s avoidable unless the past lurks in the present again.

Hope MaleA and FemaleB sort themselves out soon!!

Listening to: McFly – Obviously

A crush and the crushed

One of the main attractions that I was able to utilize was my straightness. Some gay men find it a bit challenging to try to find out what makes me the way I am. I think I’m pretty much a normal homeboy but I guess the way I can talk about chicks while sipping on beer talking about straight porn seems to make me quite an interesting specimen.

Long long ago before I was exposed to homosexuality in Australia, I’ve had a huge denial stage where I used to have a bit of a crush on some chicks, not really caring about the angle of elevation between my thigh and my you-know-what. I thought a boner comes with the feeling ‘love’ but boy was I wrong when I got fucked by a man for the first time in Sydney. There I knew it. A boner at its best, I was a very proud homosexual since then.

Going back to the denial stage, I had this crush on this girl called TTM. TTM was an associate of DoubleAwife. Maybe it was her happy-go-lucky personality mixed with her confidence. Her face was a mystery, and still is, and she breathes this air of comfort whenever I was around her. We were pretty much at the ‘play’ stage but it never got up since I was afraid of rejection and I find it quite hard for a girl in Myanmar to make the first move back then.

TTM called me last night and told me she was gonna be paying for a trip to a beach for her birthday with twelve of her friends. I was quite honored she included me in and she called me back today to tell me about the updates. Now, I thought that was gonna be it but I realized she didn’t seem to want to hang up the phone. We talked on and I would try my best to interrupt any silence, kinda intimidated that she might think of me as a boring talker. Somehow, it was a pretty good chat and I have this mixed feeling of content about this newfound friendship between TTM and me; I feel like she’s getting comfortable with me knowing I am not into her sexually but the funny thing was how I was reminded of the days when I had a huge crush on her. Friends, it is.

Speaking of friends, I was a bit disappointed with MrEscort today. To be honest he has never given me the time of day to have a one-on-one outing. I guess when I’m pretty much in a crisis, I can’t do the whole group outing happiness. I told him I was not in the mood to meet him with his friends since I wouldn’t be able to be honest about the way I would be around them. Today, he told me about his dream, which I found a bit funny and quite pleasing. He dreamt about me asking him to try out this coffee. Random, huh? I laughed out really loud and tried to swerve the conversation topic when he told me that we were a couple in his dream. Then, he went on about how surprised he was about him dreaming of me when he hasn’t even dreamt of his dad before. I told him it’s easy since he has seen me more than he’s seen his dad, given his dad left his family since he was like three or something. Then, he asked me to come over to his place to his parties, to which I refused since I was not really in the mood for any group outings. Then, he told me how it was a group of small number and close friends, to which I still objected. Come on, I only want to hang out with him as a buddy and a one-on-one is ideal. It was that moment that he made it a bit awkward when he said ‘we’ would entertain me. I wasn’t impressed. If I seem like this ‘one of his groupies’, it was pretty obvious that was not what I was going for from him. Not to mention the drugged out alcohol filled atmosphere he seem to be talking about most of the time about his friends and him. Sorry, mr.. I don’t flow like that. It’s a shame actually cos he could’ve been such a good friend of mine.

Listening to: The Black Ghosts – Full moon

The "not so" curious case of Benjamin Button

While everyone in Myanmar was pretty much excited to be a part of the epic voting spree for the first ever election for like forever, I was pretty much depressed at the fact that I was not out yanking free slurpees out of any 7 11 shops. Two years ago, I managed to get four slurpees out of four 7 11 shops in Sydney. One in Randwick, one opposite the Hyde Park, one on Oxford Street and one in Bondi. I was even more bummed at how others managed to forget that the 7th of November is the only time in countries that have 7 11 for free slurpees!!! Oh, and only Randwick had this gooseberry flavor back then.

Every Sundays when my mom and sis were around used to be spent at mom’s mom’s house. So, an afternoon of being around my grandparents from my mom’s side have always been part of my weekly schedule. It’s died since mom and sis left. I was trying to get a hold of KC today to work on a song I’ve written for KB. Ok, KB is a friend of mine who I did a duet with for my forth album and who ended up becoming the girlfriend of DoubleA’s cousin, who’s also my friend, MT. KC, on the other hand, is the dude I’ve worked with for this album. Also the husband of my favorite cousin and a genius with music, he has somewhat become a little musician brother of mine.

KC and his wife were at grandma’s house and we ended up staying there for a while. As usual, we sat around the mattress and played 13 cards poker, which I like to call ‘very cheap’. Some of our relatives do not really like us gambling, even though it just consists of a few thousands circulated around us. So I came up with a code name ‘very cheap’, which was one of my favorite phrases whenever I win big. I could see how happy my grandmother was to see us despite the fact that she had this bitchy tone when she first saw me lurking out of nowhere after being absent from her for months. So, I guess this is what being old is, huh? You become really needy but a simple gesture of acceptance makes them sleep well at night.

I guess despite the fact that I hate to ask my grandparents (from both sides) to stop asking me to repeat three times for a phrase and pretty pissed off when they asked stupid questions like ‘have you eaten lunch?’ at 4pm, it doesn’t really hurt to make them smile by being patient and nodding your head to the insanity that they once witnessed when you were a kid.

There’s nothing curious about the Benjamin button’s case. We always go back to the baby in us once we reach a certain age where our cells hit their ability spans and each of us, as a grown man and woman, seem to encounter the curiosity and the doubt of a 5 years old. I would like to encourage those who’s reading now to realize that it’s better to empathize the life of your old and aged parents before you become them and start to forget what time your grandkids have lunch or dinner in the future.

Listening to: Example – Kickstarts

My ideal partner

It kinda sucks that I won’t be able to use my friends’ nicknames on this entry, only since it’s pretty personal and since I’ve been uploading photos of those who’s already had a nick on my blog, it can be quite obvious who I could be referring to.

LadyA and I talked on the phone today and I was pretty surprised to find out that she’s actually married with her hubby oversea. Curious and pretty much quite on the topic, I found out that she was sick of living under his rules that she got back here to leave him there. The whole male dominance can be quite scary; I’m not really talking about those who imprison their wives and not do anything about it. This man does love her, would do anything for her except encourage her to start her own lifestyle. She was taken care of; money, support and a home she’s got but he wouldn’t encourage her to go on with her career or have a baby with her. Now, I know that I was kinda in a relationship where the topic ‘baby’ was our favorite and it’s kinda hard to find a gay man who’s into having babies. But then again, hearing her story, I kinda have this fear of being under a settled older man. What if I got myself into a relationship under an older protective man who would support me in anyways but would not really encourage to live the life I want. Not to forget, I could be quite stubborn about who/what I wanna be. This whole story I heard about LadyA only made me feel a bit too comfortable leading a life on my own. I don’t know.. things have been pushing me to go back to my single life lately. I can’t really be fucked being happy for the one I love and for once I guess I just want to not have to try.

I was on my way to the dvd rental with hopes of just watching movies the whole day when I called one of my friends, ManB. ManB didn’t sound that good on the phone and I found out that his parents were going through a divorce. It wasn’t actually a divorce but it kinda resembled my sister’s story. He had moved his mom to Singapore to be away from his dad, who’s been having affairs with other women/woman. ManB was in a weed circle when I got there with two beer bottles, jerkies, chips, seaweeds and a menthol cigarette pack. It’s nice to be around people in misery when I, myself, had no reasons to be that happy about my life lately. I had two puffs; maybe it was the kind of weed which was strong or the menthol cigarette that I had it with but I got a bit high after that two puffs. ManB’s wife joined our convo and we talked about how unfair it was for kids when the parents want to do whatever they want when they get older.

I know it’s only fair to respect what your parents want. I mean, there are a couple of times when ‘divorce’ would be the only way out. However, this does not serve the purpose that the word ‘divorce’ should be easily used. I guess I’m pretty much doing the right thing not concluding who my future partner is and just finding possibilities out and just waiting for ‘the man’ to be the great father of my kids in the future. I would be too chicken to file a divorce with the man I love after we have kids. This kinda reminds me of my hairdresser, who’s actually having an affair with the husband of the salon owner. The owner knows it but the hairdresser being the best employee who can run the shop (not to mention the best hairdresser to do my hair right all the time) made it hard for her to fire her or either bring the issue up. Just like the owner, I would just be sitting at home miserable, maybe possibly finding happiness in our kids, while my partner would be having sex with another man.

I don’t know what part of the ‘relationship’ makes all of us think that it’s a joyride. As for me, being a believer of a pretty much ‘as perfect as we can be’ lifetime with my partner, I do want to try to get a partner who would pretty much be tired out with having fucking around with other men to finally settle with me when we’re married, not to mention someone who would not throw a third party in the picture, be them the boys or exes from the past or the newbies he’d find in the future.

ManB, his wife, his friend and I went for a ride around downtown with his kid for ice cream. On the way, I can’t help looking at the kid and smiling to myself. So, I guess this is what life is. Life is all in the eyes of the future you would be adapting yourself to. A fond fan of having a descendant, I looked into the kid’s eyes and found out that in order to get a perfect future for my kids, I would have to sacrifice the little cool things which I could get now from any man with an inner conscious mind about how the future can be good or bad with the partner.

It’s not now that matters. It’s the trust that I could feel with a man right now which would only be able to make me build a life with him. Like LadyA, I do not want a material bank from my partner. Houses, cars, jewelry … meh. I want to be free like her and doing things for my own good like she’s doing at the moment. I want it to be on equal heights where my partner and I do things equally while we support each other. Like ManB’s parents, I would not want to be filing a divorce out of misery in the future with a partner.

I don’t mean to sound depressed but in order to be my partner, anyone better be prepared to give their best… not for me.. but for my kids with him.

Listening to: Ou Est Le Swimming Pool – Dance the way I feel

Gay old time

I don’t know where I’ll be without my colleagues. UncPal thought she was being really funny when she introduced the facebook stalker into the office room.

So, after the UN day I emcee’d for, I got a lot of attention from the whole of UN. And since there are divisions for UN, people often refer to me as ‘that MC kid’. So, this lady ( who I thought was a girl) messaged me on facebook and befriended me and she wrote in her message ‘mr mc’ and she went on about how good I was at it and all that. Such an ego booster. She said she would come visit my department but I just didn’t think it was that soon. UncPal entered the office room with a ‘I got a surprise for you’ and bam there she was smiling and looking way older and a bit more oversized than her pic on facebook. Personalitywise, she seems so kind. I’m sure she just wants to be my friend but it’s just fun when my colleague’s trying to supersize the incident and trying to find me a substitute for my boyfriend, in form of a vagina owner.

So, whenever people want to have a gay old time, they turn to me. Exploited the gay scene in Myanmar, I know the where and what of the happening, given I do hang out with the queen of the gay nest, MrEscort. I only learnt later that there was this fag show somewhere in the city and the Friday gay night routine was a total fraud this week. DoubleAwife had a birthday party and we decided to hit the YGN bar for a gay old time but instead of major fun times with the fag boys, it was hookers slash straight boys dancing in group with intentions to tip touch the girls dancing nearby in group. The night was a bit of a bore but being around DoubleA and his wife killed the bore since it’s been ages I have been out with them.

Listening to: Lady Gaga - Alejandro

Sorry?

If there’s one word that I really don’t like hearing, it’s ‘sorry’. I feel like it’s an escape for the guilt you’ve caused and the whole impact of forgiveness given is pretty much taken lightly. Oh my boyfriend’s angry.. better say sorry to him so that I could stop feeling bad about myself and move on and tomorrow will always be a better day. Nope!!! It’s wrong. The hurt never does anything about it cos he/she loves you.. not cos he/she wants to forgive you.

Well, SecondDegreeSis and I were at work last night, late as usual and hoping facebook would work. I was waiting for MrEscort to come online to tell me what time we would have to meet up tomorrow. UncPal was still in the office but she sits in the corner. TactlessGirl entered the room AS USUAL looking for someone who wasn’t in the room and she yelped out this huge ass word that I hated. “SORRY”, For what? Now, we all know how TactlessGirl likes to sneak her nose around my office room everytime after work hours and I have been forcing a lot of my colleagues to stay and wait until my car comes and I would drop them off home. Win win! SecondDegreeSis and I just looked at her weird. She was like sorry sorry and she left. SecondDegreeSis said it would’ve made more sense if she entered the room while SecondDegreeSis and I were making out or doing something similar. Seriously, TactlessGirl is SUCH a nut job!

DoubleA and I talked about TactlessGirl and he does have a point. I told him why someone would waste their time so much on someone (let alone not being single) who is not interested in them. I mean, TactlessGirl could’ve been awesome but she’s got to put the fact into her thick head on how I am NOT into girls. DoubleA has a point actually. He said some people in Myanmar likes to save people. Like, if you have a crush on a drug addict and then somehow he lost his addiction to drugs because of you, you would take so much pride in it and you would find it quite pleasing to ‘try’ to change him. I am at my very vulnerable state with my relationship status but seriously TactlessGirl can do NOTHING to lure me into her department. Don’t you get it? I AM NOT INTO PUSSIES.

I think it’s way too low to keep enduring so much embarrassment that you’re causing yourself. Like, TactlessGirl has to just give up cos it’s getting quite blasé and it’s nothing to be proud of even if I should change into a taco loving creature of a man. This could’ve been so much more fun if only she was a guy and a sensitive attractive one. Hmm…

Listening to: Linkin Park – In between

Lime juice

Polka dot furry blankets are so in!!! It’s funny how grandparents could come up with the best, but weird, gifts sometimes. I wasn’t expecting any gifts from them after they got back from Mandalay and some other places they travelled to so I had a sublime moment just checking out the blanket. It’s not the price of the thing that matters at times; I guess it’s the surprise unexpected feeling that you kinda get that makes you happy. Ah well, it keeps me warm at least.

I felt quite horrible today at work. There’s this lady who works in the canteen, a very kind old Indian lady, who looks kinda late 30 ish despite her being fifty. Now, it was rumored that she has this disease where wounds don’t heal. I’m guessing it’s diabetes since my granddad would take extra caution whenever my diabetic grandma holds a knife or anything sharp. So, one of my colleagues told me she saw this Indian lady in the ladies toilet wiping her ‘non healing’ wound on her chest with tissue paper. It sounded pretty gross, yet at the same time, I feel really sorry for her. Today, one of my colleagues told me how she’s actually Infected with malaria in her brain. One way or another, despite her kind attitude and very nice A plus personality, I know she’s not really healthy.

So , I ordered a lime juice to the canteen people and the Indian lady came into our office room with the glass. She said “I did this by myself just for you”. I thought it was pretty sweet and I was kinda thinking twice before I actually drank the juice. Then, she said “You should try it!”. Then, without hesitation, I took a huge sip and smiled at her and told her it tasted awesome. Somehow, I felt bad not being able to shrug off an image of her wiping her open wound with a tissue paper using her bare hands to hold that tissue paper. Everytime I take a sip from the lime juice, I felt semi grossed out by the image inside my head. Nonetheless, the lime juice tasted awesome and I was glad the Indian lady did it herself. I think it’s kinda sweet really.

It’s actually DoubleAwife ’s birthday today and I called her up to wish her a birthday wish. I later found out that the Friday outing was to celebrate her birthday but then, I remembered how that day was actually my vegetarian day. Yeah, I kinda do this Buddhist routine where I have to be a vegetarian every nine days and then I have to do rosary beads every morning and not drink alcohol for 81 days. Dear kidneys and liver, you guys are lucky since I have EVERY reason to drink at the moment but thanks to this routine prayage, I will have to make sure you guys are clean for the next 78 days.

Speaking of which, I opened up to my grandparents tonight. I told them I actually ditched applying for the DV card for the states. I told them to try to make me feel like home when I’m at home and that I believe that I will reach places I’m meant to be in. I’ve stopped expecting, wishing, hoping or praying. I couldn’t care less. I mean, I believe there isn’t any place important I have to be in now, innit?.

Listening to: David Guetta vs. The Egg – Love don’t let me go (walking away)

Official

Fire drill happened for the second time round today at work. The first time was just horrid. So, you hear a bell and there are some people from the canteen shouting fire fire. Then, you have people ‘walking’, some striding, onto the lawn. I swear if there was a real fire, they’d be burnt alive. Then, you have some people like me who gets spooked easily and switch off everything only to find out that none of the people at work has switched off anything at all.

So, we reached the lawn and you got all these people scattering into their so called places, chit chatting like there was nothing going on and the security leader guy was yelling on top of his lungs, without anything that would accompany his volume. So, that was the first time round. This time, it was more arranged and the head security could finally afford a loud speaker. He came to our group and called us ‘solid’ cos we were pretty much prepared by the time we got there while everyone was still scattering into their places. Well, our department is ‘disaster risk reduction’ after all. So, we were pretty much doing whatever possible to reduce risk of anything disastrous.

The big highlight of the day was me getting an official UN name tag AFTER THREE MONTHS, when my first contract is about to end. Nonetheless, I feel quite official and I don’t have to go to the security booth every morning to give my ID card in exchange with the ‘visitor’ card. Plus, having my ID card in and out of the pocket has caused me misplacing it for a couple of times. I don’t know if the head of security was flirting but I’d like to think he was being funny when he said ‘You should never say ‘horrible’, you should say sexy’ when I was whingeing about how horrible my security tag pic looks. Thanks, mr.. brought a smile to my face regardless of whatever contexts you’re trying to throw in terms there.

On another happy news, DoubleAwife called me to hook up for a dinner sometimes this week, which was a huge relief; I’ve been dying to catch up with DoubleA and his wife. So, this is gonna be good. Got my two websites done at work, well at least the frame or the structure of the mapping done. Things are looking good.

Listening to: Mika – Blame it on the girls

I don't care

People keeps preaching but do they really practice at all? And before I blame it on any others, I rather blame myself. So, whenever a friend is down or out, I would encourage them to think about the present, not to let the past screw them up and not to worry that much about the future. That’s something Buddhism taught us as well.

This month of November just totally sees me more in touch with the present and how I’ve given up hopes on anything I’ve built up for my future. Pretty much in the same mannerism as all cried out or out of tears, I’m pretty much out of hopes and all hoped out for my future.

Will I get the PR to Australia? I don’t care. Will I ever have a proper relationship with a good man? I don’t care. Will I ever get outta here? I don’t care. All I know is I’ve been losing ground on what’s actually happening around me and I’m not gonna let my hopes and plans for the future screw me up anymore.

So, prioritizationwise, I’m gonna be ripping my planner in pieces from now on and come what may…. I’m happy and I don’t care about anything or anyone who’s not around me or who doesn’t want to be around me. I’ve given up and I’ve lost any glow of optimistic thoughts about my future in Australia.

Listening to: Owl City – Fireflies