I promised doubleA that I would help his brother out with the whole being a presenter on their home video. I was kinda scared at first since it was a 'car' show. So, they said 'car competition' which made people mistake that with 'car race'. But it was just cars all round with painted trunks and kick ass accessories. I was completely killing the presenting thing and sorta learning about cars. I did feel confident as I did on and on. Interviewed the shops, the dancers, the DJ's and guest celebrities and the models. It was pretty cool.
Then, I met Hkunie. My friend since fifth grade. Yes, it's true after I got back here, I went to his wedding and never saw him after that. I kinda felt like we are in different groups of friends and we could never hang out with each other again. It's true about the group of friends part but we did pick up where we left off. It wasn't such a big deal. He and I had fun strolling around talking about things. Times like these, I think of Steve as well, since I guess I'm a bit friendless these days in Burma.
While I was at the car show, I got phonecalls from the Yangon team, the group of people my workgroup had sent to several villages for survey taking. Since I have become the focal point (helpdesk) to these people, I feel like I have to do something whenever they call. There they are lost and a bit confused about questions and here I am, chilling drinking beer. So I rushed to work as soon as I was done with the VJ(not exactly a video jockey) job at the car race. I stayed at work for several minutes.
I don't know what's become of me. I love work. I love working in the office and working on my music. I wasn't sad about Steve being a high school drama chick. I wasn't concerned about if Hkunie will ever be like that next time we meet. I do not like talking to my grandparents. I rarely listen to them. I rarely listen to my mom. I'm just too happy on my own at work and doing music. I guess.. this is my 'time to myself' era.
What's next???
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Final St Patrick's Day
It's been a slow morning at work. Now that I'm officially a manager of two IT database experts, a focal point person in charge of asking technical questions regarding the surveys questions which I'll get from those people we sent off to the field and also a store keeper for all the important documents, I feel pretty important at work. Given it's been my third month and my second last month of my contract, I feel like I've reached a certain spot that I should.
It's kinda painful as well cos all of this was done by St Patrick. He believed in me like no others did. Well, that's a lie cos Opal, dad's friend and ex-boss ALSO believe in me. BUT, there's a bit of a difference in levels and types of trust they gave though. For St Patrick, it was a big brother type. It's true BEA was like a big brother to me as well but St patrick was different. I was able to speak out with him.
I am a happy person and people mistake that for 'strength'. So, people would come to me for talks to make them feel better or it sometimes surprisingly makes me feel better. And at times, when I kinda need to talk to people, I kinda get this unfulfilling feeling like I didn't get anything from talking to them though I do get a confirmation that they care and I would get happy for that part. With St Patrick, it was completely different. I didn't get to dramatize a lot BUT I did tell him my worst fears like being stuck in Burma forever jobless. And the thing is he KEPT pushing me forward. He believes in me, which was a big leap of faith coming from someone who's not really a big fan of praises. I don't know how to put it but St Patrick became thiis big brother to me.
So it was his last day today and though I had to come to work at 7am, I was pretty much ready to give him a last goodbye. He had a bit of a take over talk with the database experts, two of them who I have to manage and take over St Patrick's place when he's gone. I wasn't in my best mood when I took him to the counter of the hotel to check out. Then, he told me his BIGGEST secret ever; well, I sorta semi-predicted that but it was just a bad timing cos there I was reminiscing about times I had with him and he did a thing which normally close friends would do. So, that kinda made me feel a bit more sad and he hugged me bye and he left. As I walked back to the elevator, my face itched and my cheek bones hardened up. I went to the toilet, locked the door and leaned on the wall. Before I knew it, tears were everywhere. Then my eyes started to ache and I cried. So, I do love St Patrick after all like a big brother.
The rest of the day was a bit tiring and going to my cousin's house after that to work on more songs with her husband wasn't that productive since my eyes were too tired from crying and well,lack of sleep.
It's kinda painful as well cos all of this was done by St Patrick. He believed in me like no others did. Well, that's a lie cos Opal, dad's friend and ex-boss ALSO believe in me. BUT, there's a bit of a difference in levels and types of trust they gave though. For St Patrick, it was a big brother type. It's true BEA was like a big brother to me as well but St patrick was different. I was able to speak out with him.
I am a happy person and people mistake that for 'strength'. So, people would come to me for talks to make them feel better or it sometimes surprisingly makes me feel better. And at times, when I kinda need to talk to people, I kinda get this unfulfilling feeling like I didn't get anything from talking to them though I do get a confirmation that they care and I would get happy for that part. With St Patrick, it was completely different. I didn't get to dramatize a lot BUT I did tell him my worst fears like being stuck in Burma forever jobless. And the thing is he KEPT pushing me forward. He believes in me, which was a big leap of faith coming from someone who's not really a big fan of praises. I don't know how to put it but St Patrick became thiis big brother to me.
So it was his last day today and though I had to come to work at 7am, I was pretty much ready to give him a last goodbye. He had a bit of a take over talk with the database experts, two of them who I have to manage and take over St Patrick's place when he's gone. I wasn't in my best mood when I took him to the counter of the hotel to check out. Then, he told me his BIGGEST secret ever; well, I sorta semi-predicted that but it was just a bad timing cos there I was reminiscing about times I had with him and he did a thing which normally close friends would do. So, that kinda made me feel a bit more sad and he hugged me bye and he left. As I walked back to the elevator, my face itched and my cheek bones hardened up. I went to the toilet, locked the door and leaned on the wall. Before I knew it, tears were everywhere. Then my eyes started to ache and I cried. So, I do love St Patrick after all like a big brother.
The rest of the day was a bit tiring and going to my cousin's house after that to work on more songs with her husband wasn't that productive since my eyes were too tired from crying and well,lack of sleep.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Woe Is Me
So, when you run a business, you would normally think that you have to hold up to your quotation and your attractive slogan and be competitive with the other businesses that somehow produces or have the same product.. Not for our printing company.
Work has been dramatically busy these days. Just after St Patrick gave me three roles to take care of, suddenly I was given a new task to do, which was to edit an 'indesign' document, which was due like today. The thing here was we were supposed to give this over to the printing shop, who would in turn, correct errors for us and also print it. Whenever we ask them to come over to do that at our work, they would say things like "I'm sorry, you cannot upload pics easily through your computer", "Sorry, we need to draw the map with our own hands", "We cannot print here" and more shit.
The thing was I managed to upload three pics in ten minutes, change the maps within that time and also print out stuffs. Yes, it's a bit more complicated than Word documents but seriously, what's there to be afraid of when you got google.
So, I spent the whole of yesterday working on that document, typing, inserting maps and just making sure things don't get fucked up.
Today, Doofusette from work... don't get me wrong, my other burmese shy workmate is awesome and quite a nice lady but she can be such a pain in the ass when it comes to nerves. So, I've got two files of the same document, one modified and one not modified. The non-modified was on her desktop and the 'actual' bling bling was on the shared drive. So, I uploaded the last pic on bling bling and saved it. Then, the next time I was using her puter, the document (which she said was bling bling) did not have that pic uploaded anymore. So, I uploaded it again and SAVED it as bling bling, like any careful person would do... BUT the file that she opened turned out to be the one unmodified. So, I had to do the whole thing once again..
On another upsetting note, Steve just ditched me outta his friendship list. He found out that I was out on Saturday. And he mocked on my status on facebook with a "A friend of everyone is a friend of no one". Well, the truth is I spent my Saturday at work in the morning, then off to my mom's and hung out with my sister and cousins at the pub, where Steve's friends were having a party. So, legally and obviously, I joined in. Yes, I was supposed to take his wife shopping that day but there wasn't any assurance the day before. I mean, if you care about your wife so much, why don't you just make sure that your friend's taking her shopping the day before. The funny thing is how he once actually called me a 'drama queen'. I don't know. He is a bestie but what is left to do when one of your best friends is an asshole. Ah well, I'll survive.
I recorded 'That Thing' with Ko Chan last night which made me come back home at 3am. It turned to be an awesome song. Now, I know I don't really think modestly about my songs but I know they are of good quality, or I'd like to think I spend a lot of time on its arrangements and lyrics. So, I was happy about that.
Mom's getting better but Channy(my sis) is totally ill, missing work while mom's dad(my grandad DUH) is in the hospital cos apparently he couldn't breathe. I don't know but I feel like the house mom lives in is so cursed. Hopefully they all get better....
Work has been dramatically busy these days. Just after St Patrick gave me three roles to take care of, suddenly I was given a new task to do, which was to edit an 'indesign' document, which was due like today. The thing here was we were supposed to give this over to the printing shop, who would in turn, correct errors for us and also print it. Whenever we ask them to come over to do that at our work, they would say things like "I'm sorry, you cannot upload pics easily through your computer", "Sorry, we need to draw the map with our own hands", "We cannot print here" and more shit.
The thing was I managed to upload three pics in ten minutes, change the maps within that time and also print out stuffs. Yes, it's a bit more complicated than Word documents but seriously, what's there to be afraid of when you got google.
So, I spent the whole of yesterday working on that document, typing, inserting maps and just making sure things don't get fucked up.
Today, Doofusette from work... don't get me wrong, my other burmese shy workmate is awesome and quite a nice lady but she can be such a pain in the ass when it comes to nerves. So, I've got two files of the same document, one modified and one not modified. The non-modified was on her desktop and the 'actual' bling bling was on the shared drive. So, I uploaded the last pic on bling bling and saved it. Then, the next time I was using her puter, the document (which she said was bling bling) did not have that pic uploaded anymore. So, I uploaded it again and SAVED it as bling bling, like any careful person would do... BUT the file that she opened turned out to be the one unmodified. So, I had to do the whole thing once again..
On another upsetting note, Steve just ditched me outta his friendship list. He found out that I was out on Saturday. And he mocked on my status on facebook with a "A friend of everyone is a friend of no one". Well, the truth is I spent my Saturday at work in the morning, then off to my mom's and hung out with my sister and cousins at the pub, where Steve's friends were having a party. So, legally and obviously, I joined in. Yes, I was supposed to take his wife shopping that day but there wasn't any assurance the day before. I mean, if you care about your wife so much, why don't you just make sure that your friend's taking her shopping the day before. The funny thing is how he once actually called me a 'drama queen'. I don't know. He is a bestie but what is left to do when one of your best friends is an asshole. Ah well, I'll survive.
I recorded 'That Thing' with Ko Chan last night which made me come back home at 3am. It turned to be an awesome song. Now, I know I don't really think modestly about my songs but I know they are of good quality, or I'd like to think I spend a lot of time on its arrangements and lyrics. So, I was happy about that.
Mom's getting better but Channy(my sis) is totally ill, missing work while mom's dad(my grandad DUH) is in the hospital cos apparently he couldn't breathe. I don't know but I feel like the house mom lives in is so cursed. Hopefully they all get better....
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Office Whore
The weekend has been a bit sulky, given I wasn't really happy with the whole "St Patrick" going back thing and I was still scared about not getting a job. In fact, I AM still scared even though St Patrick was gonna help me out with my CV since he thinks I deserve to get a job.
I had a fortune teller look at my palms on Saturday. Ok, when it comes to fortune tellers, I do not NOT believe them but at the same time, I do think that they have a bit of a motivational streak which is quite subtle. Like, they make you feel better for knowing the future but at the same time, if you learn not to expect so much of it but still would try hard to gain it, you'll get some stuffs done during the process. Plus, he's done a good reading before where he was telling me about an exam I was gonna sit for. Given that exam only consists of a total mark of 9 and he didn't know this, he said I will get over 7.5. Now, what are the possibilities of guessing an exam mark is under 10?
On another note, St Patrick has been giving me things to do at work til the point where I'll be taking charge of three things. I own a key right now that would open a cabinet that contains shit load of 'real deal' documents. I am also managing two database gurus, from whom I can get me some SQL knowledge and I am also assigned as this focal point in Yangon to communicate with the people that we've sent to do surveys...
It's good being busy, given I don't have time to even worry about being jobless.. but then again, once this work is done and once my contract dies, I'll dig into the 'doubt' pool again. C'est la vie!
I had a fortune teller look at my palms on Saturday. Ok, when it comes to fortune tellers, I do not NOT believe them but at the same time, I do think that they have a bit of a motivational streak which is quite subtle. Like, they make you feel better for knowing the future but at the same time, if you learn not to expect so much of it but still would try hard to gain it, you'll get some stuffs done during the process. Plus, he's done a good reading before where he was telling me about an exam I was gonna sit for. Given that exam only consists of a total mark of 9 and he didn't know this, he said I will get over 7.5. Now, what are the possibilities of guessing an exam mark is under 10?
On another note, St Patrick has been giving me things to do at work til the point where I'll be taking charge of three things. I own a key right now that would open a cabinet that contains shit load of 'real deal' documents. I am also managing two database gurus, from whom I can get me some SQL knowledge and I am also assigned as this focal point in Yangon to communicate with the people that we've sent to do surveys...
It's good being busy, given I don't have time to even worry about being jobless.. but then again, once this work is done and once my contract dies, I'll dig into the 'doubt' pool again. C'est la vie!
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Epitome of Fuckism
The existence of gay men at work always excites me, given, I thought, for once I could actually get to meet new gay people through work as opposed to night clubs or a website. So, there are three altogether that I know of, excluding Paperbag cos we can talk about him 'later'. We got the Earring guy, who I thought looks ok but he gets a bit nervous and all weird (I think he's either Australian or English), LeBitch, the guy from 8th floor who's as feminine as any bitch could be though he's really nice to me and Leprechaun, a friend of St Patrick's who's actually LeBitch's boyfriend.
So, recapping.. we got LeBitch, Leprechaun (to make things easier, you got two guys whose nicks start with "Le" who are actually a couple) and Earring.
One of the nights that I had beer with St Patrick, I saw LeBitch and Earring having beer. I just thought to myself it was one of those casual work meeting. Maybe it was.. who cares? So, yesterday we had a classical concert where most of our workpeople were there, either for the music or their social lives boost?
I enjoyed it thoroughly given I sat with exboss and St Patrick, had some good beer, heard some good shit music with this German dude on Cello and this fine young lady on piano, had some boys giggling at me from the other side (I swear I heard my name mentioned) and of course a good time away from home.
It was during intermission when I saw LeBitch and Earring having their little whispery conversation. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I heard Earring said "thought you were trying to make this discreet". Now, to make this story clearer, Leprechaun just got back from wherever he went to yesterday. So, while he was gone, LeBitch might've slept with Earring. So I assumed.
Later, I had one of those talks with exboss cos she's just so good to talk those crappy lovey things with. I told her I might be wrong but I heard this and I'm so sick of it. She said 'yeah, they're in an open relationship'.
I was right..... even the gaymen in a humanitarian group doesn't really support monogamy. Let alone monogamy can't they for once just NOT HAVE SEX? lol It's funny cos I haven't had sex for four months and I feel fine, thanx to porno products and my beloved two hands (trust me, these days I've become left handed as well). I mean, how desperate can one get? So, the question arises.
Am I the only gay man who believes in monogamy and true love????
Am I wrong to believe that open relationship is bad????
Am I gonna end up in a rocking chair if I am not able to negotiate for an open relationship with a guy I love?
Now, St Patrick cheered me up by saying they're the ones who are gonna end up in rocking chairs and he told me to not give up because this is the reason why 'that someone' you will in the future special. Come to think of it.. it's true.. Why would I find someone so special if I never spend so much energy or time looking for him/her? God, I feel good..
This whole concept was seconded today by no one other than Red. He came on facebook and this was roughly how the conversation went.
Red: I'm bored. I miss Sedona.
BAMMMM.. like why on earth would someone miss this place where someone trash talked about him behind his back, every waiters know you, the music is crap, the band sucks and the only thing you're good at is a dart game and Billy Ray Cyrus Dance? I mean, it even took me two months to actually convert myself to a hermit from a Sedona pimp.
Red: Any plans tonight?
Huh? Which part of "I am tired" that came from my mouth did not he understand? I mean, why would you try SO HARD to allure someone to hang out with you given he has given up on you for your stupidity and confusion about the whole gender appreciation thing. To make things worse, I made it quite clear that I deserve someone better. Now, when someone lusts over something just for the relationship of it and got to know him for a month and not wanna talk to him anymore, WHY WOULD U BOTHER? It even took me two years to get over my ex. People like Red would just drift and disappear.
Red: I'm so bored..
So fucking what?
Red: I haven't been doing anything..
Bla bla bla
Red: but masturb..
Don't know how to spell???
Red: I think you're busy.
DUH!!
Red: Bye!
Seriously, after reading that I laughed, then felt sorry for the guy and then felt so agitated such type of form exists. I am not even gonna say 'human being'. So is he trying to tease me? First of all, I lusted over him cos I did like him and when I like someone, it turns me on. For someone who says "You give better blowjob than *insert Designer's real name*", seriously, why the fuck would I hurt myself all over for you? I got other guys...
1. who actually KNOW they like guys.
2. who actually KNOW they're bi's but would stay true to whoever they're with.
3. who actually HAS A GOOD BODY to keep teasing me.
4. who actually speaks a better conversation that bounces as opposed to cute incorrect Burmese pronunciations...
I am not saying I'm strong cos if someone hot said the following things he had said, I would've chucked an uncontrollable boner. Had it been someone so hot and sexy, I would've gone bonkers. But seriously, dude.... fuck off.
On the other hand, I went to this data inputting company today and it's nice to know that the people there actually knows me 'as a singer' and it's better that I've chucked a good 'social status' with them cos I could use them for publicity and other shit.
St Patrick has been more supportive than ever. He saw my CV and mentioned how crap it was and that he would not have given me the job if it was him who got my CV. He had also mentioned that he would help me out with my CV.
I feel both good and bad.
Good. cos it's nice to know someone you really love as a brother takes care of you.
Bad. cos he's leaving soon..
Fuck work sometimes!!!he has
So, recapping.. we got LeBitch, Leprechaun (to make things easier, you got two guys whose nicks start with "Le" who are actually a couple) and Earring.
One of the nights that I had beer with St Patrick, I saw LeBitch and Earring having beer. I just thought to myself it was one of those casual work meeting. Maybe it was.. who cares? So, yesterday we had a classical concert where most of our workpeople were there, either for the music or their social lives boost?
I enjoyed it thoroughly given I sat with exboss and St Patrick, had some good beer, heard some good shit music with this German dude on Cello and this fine young lady on piano, had some boys giggling at me from the other side (I swear I heard my name mentioned) and of course a good time away from home.
It was during intermission when I saw LeBitch and Earring having their little whispery conversation. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I heard Earring said "thought you were trying to make this discreet". Now, to make this story clearer, Leprechaun just got back from wherever he went to yesterday. So, while he was gone, LeBitch might've slept with Earring. So I assumed.
Later, I had one of those talks with exboss cos she's just so good to talk those crappy lovey things with. I told her I might be wrong but I heard this and I'm so sick of it. She said 'yeah, they're in an open relationship'.
I was right..... even the gaymen in a humanitarian group doesn't really support monogamy. Let alone monogamy can't they for once just NOT HAVE SEX? lol It's funny cos I haven't had sex for four months and I feel fine, thanx to porno products and my beloved two hands (trust me, these days I've become left handed as well). I mean, how desperate can one get? So, the question arises.
Am I the only gay man who believes in monogamy and true love????
Am I wrong to believe that open relationship is bad????
Am I gonna end up in a rocking chair if I am not able to negotiate for an open relationship with a guy I love?
Now, St Patrick cheered me up by saying they're the ones who are gonna end up in rocking chairs and he told me to not give up because this is the reason why 'that someone' you will in the future special. Come to think of it.. it's true.. Why would I find someone so special if I never spend so much energy or time looking for him/her? God, I feel good..
This whole concept was seconded today by no one other than Red. He came on facebook and this was roughly how the conversation went.
Red: I'm bored. I miss Sedona.
BAMMMM.. like why on earth would someone miss this place where someone trash talked about him behind his back, every waiters know you, the music is crap, the band sucks and the only thing you're good at is a dart game and Billy Ray Cyrus Dance? I mean, it even took me two months to actually convert myself to a hermit from a Sedona pimp.
Red: Any plans tonight?
Huh? Which part of "I am tired" that came from my mouth did not he understand? I mean, why would you try SO HARD to allure someone to hang out with you given he has given up on you for your stupidity and confusion about the whole gender appreciation thing. To make things worse, I made it quite clear that I deserve someone better. Now, when someone lusts over something just for the relationship of it and got to know him for a month and not wanna talk to him anymore, WHY WOULD U BOTHER? It even took me two years to get over my ex. People like Red would just drift and disappear.
Red: I'm so bored..
So fucking what?
Red: I haven't been doing anything..
Bla bla bla
Red: but masturb..
Don't know how to spell???
Red: I think you're busy.
DUH!!
Red: Bye!
Seriously, after reading that I laughed, then felt sorry for the guy and then felt so agitated such type of form exists. I am not even gonna say 'human being'. So is he trying to tease me? First of all, I lusted over him cos I did like him and when I like someone, it turns me on. For someone who says "You give better blowjob than *insert Designer's real name*", seriously, why the fuck would I hurt myself all over for you? I got other guys...
1. who actually KNOW they like guys.
2. who actually KNOW they're bi's but would stay true to whoever they're with.
3. who actually HAS A GOOD BODY to keep teasing me.
4. who actually speaks a better conversation that bounces as opposed to cute incorrect Burmese pronunciations...
I am not saying I'm strong cos if someone hot said the following things he had said, I would've chucked an uncontrollable boner. Had it been someone so hot and sexy, I would've gone bonkers. But seriously, dude.... fuck off.
On the other hand, I went to this data inputting company today and it's nice to know that the people there actually knows me 'as a singer' and it's better that I've chucked a good 'social status' with them cos I could use them for publicity and other shit.
St Patrick has been more supportive than ever. He saw my CV and mentioned how crap it was and that he would not have given me the job if it was him who got my CV. He had also mentioned that he would help me out with my CV.
I feel both good and bad.
Good. cos it's nice to know someone you really love as a brother takes care of you.
Bad. cos he's leaving soon..
Fuck work sometimes!!!he has
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Alone
So, I've reached this point where I feel all alone. It's not loneliness but it's more of a choice to be on my own. It's not like I don't have any friends or any company around me but I just know and feel like I am finally in this stage where no one can help me but maybe luck or fate. I got two issues at the moment. Trust issues and the PR application issue.
First of all, after the incident of the designer and Red, I have totally pushed them outta my life. The fact that Steve and KP called me a drama king also made me think my issues are too much for them given I'm normally the smiley bloke who takes in whatever they need to whinge about. So, I can't discuss things with them. KP's wife is far too innocently nice and Steve's wife has been a bit far away from me since she started to do business with the designer for the reason I respect.
Second, my family. I came back to Burma with the intention to make things right but because of my sister's issues with her husband, I've finally learnt that you cannot change or decide for others but you can help them out when/if they ask you. My sister hates the fact that I'm a homo and I cannot tell her anything related to my issues, although she gave me this cutest concern when I was having issues with Red. Maybe cos she's happy I'm getting hurt and just want me to end up with a nice girl? My mom, I've always wanted to come out to her but when I came out to my sister, she stopped me from telling my mom cos she thought my mom would commit suicide if I told my mom. Now, I've asked my mom if she wanted to know something which my sister think would make her hang herself. Mom's answer? No..... So, they both can't be there for the trust issues I've faced with Red and the designer and also won't be able to take the whole application disaster. No, I haven't been rejected but just prolonged for ages. I just don't wanna worry them given my mom's living off with 1/3rd of my salary, which is gonna change to 2/4 since I got a payraise.
My grandparentswise, they're in denial as well. When I broke up with my only ex, they refused to listen to my issues and asked me to just concentrate on my life, career and uni. Since then, I never cared to even let them know about my homosexuality. About the PR application, they know and to make things worse, they worry twice as much as I do and it's been pissing me off since I do not really get the calmness and serenity I so long for after work and plus, this always keeps me in the office til 9pm.
Last but not least, to every friends in Sydney who I know who would be there for me but let's think realistically. You guys are not here and there's nothing you could do but just worry sick like I am right now.
So, why bother telling all of the aboves about my issues.....
Cheesy as it sounds... like the Green Day song..
I walk alone... I walk alone...
and I know there's no one out there at the moment...
the only thing that's worse than one is none....
but a little light in my body just knows something good is coming.... cos times like these is just a slap in the face to assure me to use the good shit wisely..
but of course like any other human beings, I feel so alone...
First of all, after the incident of the designer and Red, I have totally pushed them outta my life. The fact that Steve and KP called me a drama king also made me think my issues are too much for them given I'm normally the smiley bloke who takes in whatever they need to whinge about. So, I can't discuss things with them. KP's wife is far too innocently nice and Steve's wife has been a bit far away from me since she started to do business with the designer for the reason I respect.
Second, my family. I came back to Burma with the intention to make things right but because of my sister's issues with her husband, I've finally learnt that you cannot change or decide for others but you can help them out when/if they ask you. My sister hates the fact that I'm a homo and I cannot tell her anything related to my issues, although she gave me this cutest concern when I was having issues with Red. Maybe cos she's happy I'm getting hurt and just want me to end up with a nice girl? My mom, I've always wanted to come out to her but when I came out to my sister, she stopped me from telling my mom cos she thought my mom would commit suicide if I told my mom. Now, I've asked my mom if she wanted to know something which my sister think would make her hang herself. Mom's answer? No..... So, they both can't be there for the trust issues I've faced with Red and the designer and also won't be able to take the whole application disaster. No, I haven't been rejected but just prolonged for ages. I just don't wanna worry them given my mom's living off with 1/3rd of my salary, which is gonna change to 2/4 since I got a payraise.
My grandparentswise, they're in denial as well. When I broke up with my only ex, they refused to listen to my issues and asked me to just concentrate on my life, career and uni. Since then, I never cared to even let them know about my homosexuality. About the PR application, they know and to make things worse, they worry twice as much as I do and it's been pissing me off since I do not really get the calmness and serenity I so long for after work and plus, this always keeps me in the office til 9pm.
Last but not least, to every friends in Sydney who I know who would be there for me but let's think realistically. You guys are not here and there's nothing you could do but just worry sick like I am right now.
So, why bother telling all of the aboves about my issues.....
Cheesy as it sounds... like the Green Day song..
I walk alone... I walk alone...
and I know there's no one out there at the moment...
the only thing that's worse than one is none....
but a little light in my body just knows something good is coming.... cos times like these is just a slap in the face to assure me to use the good shit wisely..
but of course like any other human beings, I feel so alone...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Fuck All
Some call it discrimination but I think it's easy to say it when you're one of those unlucky people who dated a straight man. Most of my gay friends used to warn me about this but I find it somewhat biased and a bit bitter on their side to say 'straight men can never have a proper relationship with men, neither can bi's '. It's true what happened between me and Red was something any normal thing that could happen to any two people who are dating, be it girl, boy, same gender or whatever. But then again, in all honesty, I'm hurt and I'm a bit numb.
Things had been going downhill since last week. I have been busy as well as Red and I've also been feeling this huge insecurity about us. For once, I was not afraid of what he thought of me because it was plain to see he does fancy me in a way but I was just afraid of what I've got myself into and just agitated at what is it that he wants from me.
To make things worse, the designer has gone completely berzerk at this whole incident. First, she warned me about Red (given she dated him before). Then, she always tend to go away from me whenever she sees or knows that Red was gonna be there with me. Then, she asked Red if he told me that she seduced him (I mean seriously... pick another appropriate word?) and that he broke up with her because she was married. In contrary, she uploaded pics of her and Red on her profile which was taken ages ago. To make things worse, I do believe Red about the fact that she hasn't actually broken up with her husband given a taxi driver told me about the fight they recently had at Sedona Hotel, which was loud and all over the place.
I solved it out. I deleted any pics of me taken with Red or the designer.
Seriously, the designer's fucked in the head and Red is just confused. I am not a babysetter nor a mental patient's nurse.
Things had been going downhill since last week. I have been busy as well as Red and I've also been feeling this huge insecurity about us. For once, I was not afraid of what he thought of me because it was plain to see he does fancy me in a way but I was just afraid of what I've got myself into and just agitated at what is it that he wants from me.
To make things worse, the designer has gone completely berzerk at this whole incident. First, she warned me about Red (given she dated him before). Then, she always tend to go away from me whenever she sees or knows that Red was gonna be there with me. Then, she asked Red if he told me that she seduced him (I mean seriously... pick another appropriate word?) and that he broke up with her because she was married. In contrary, she uploaded pics of her and Red on her profile which was taken ages ago. To make things worse, I do believe Red about the fact that she hasn't actually broken up with her husband given a taxi driver told me about the fight they recently had at Sedona Hotel, which was loud and all over the place.
I solved it out. I deleted any pics of me taken with Red or the designer.
Seriously, the designer's fucked in the head and Red is just confused. I am not a babysetter nor a mental patient's nurse.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Good Life out of Impatience
The climate of my patience has totally betrayed me once again. But, in process, I did see the new streak to being me. I never knew I could be this strong.
Normally, when I used to date boys in Sydney, when I don't get what I deserve, I would either blame myself or give myself self pity. Life with Red has been boring lately. He came back on Friday, didn't go out with me that night which was fine cos he was tres fatigue anyways. He was supposed to come meet up with me on Saturday night at Sedona and I was supposed to sleep over at his place. So, after feeling quite silly with a backpack at a local club, I called him on his cell but he didn't pick up, which later turned into a 'switched off' frenzy. So, I called it quits from my part.
Next day(Sunday) he did call me back to apologize because he got too drunk. Normally, I'd act pissed off but just to see what could be his next reaction, I told him 'ah well, it's cool.. I did go there just for you and I was angry at first but since I trust you, I know you'd try your best to get to me'. The funny thing was the fact that I didn't feel stupid to do that. It might have seem like an awww moment for him but I was way beyond myself. I was just too calm and mediocre. Next thing was when he mentioned me as a 'friend'.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, imagine you have this person who held your hand, who tells you that you're the first of the gender he's kissed on the lips and to whom you've given a blow job to and slept together with. Now, if you still call him/her a 'friend', would that be not categorizing him/her as a fuckbuddy? To make things worse, why would anyone want to risk calling someone they like 'friend' while they're dating. If I was dating someone and if I like him, I would try my very best to not even mention the word 'friend'.
So, thanx to that assurance my patience for Red is totally off the window for the moment. I'm still around him cos I feel like I'm worshipped when I'm next to him. I don't know if I could ever get myself to the position of 'falling for him' if one day he wants to stay forever with me but all I know is given a pond of fish that your net could sift, why wade in the other pond with your hand cupped when you know it's either the fish or you that's gonna lose hope soon.. his life or ur will to own that fish... at the moment, my will has died.
I did go out with my sister and my cousins on Saturday and it was surprisingly pleasant. Given it was my last day of alcohol and given it had been yonks since I've drunk with my sister, it was super fun. It's true that it was hard for all of our cousins to get along back in those days because since one is older than the other, we seem to intimidate one another or just take sides while now, we were all on the same level of maturity. It was just heartfelt and it's good to see my sister smiling and enjoying being drunk with her brother and her cousins.
In addition to that, my workmates have been more than friends with me. I feel like a family when I'm with them. In fact, I ended up calling St Patrick at 1am on a Sunday morning drunk and I just feel so good around them. It's kinda sad to think Opal's leaving this week given I've become really close to her in the last few days.
I guess this is all what a good life's about. Screw those who isn't good to you or for you. Now, I'm quite curious what's gonna come out of Red and me.
Normally, when I used to date boys in Sydney, when I don't get what I deserve, I would either blame myself or give myself self pity. Life with Red has been boring lately. He came back on Friday, didn't go out with me that night which was fine cos he was tres fatigue anyways. He was supposed to come meet up with me on Saturday night at Sedona and I was supposed to sleep over at his place. So, after feeling quite silly with a backpack at a local club, I called him on his cell but he didn't pick up, which later turned into a 'switched off' frenzy. So, I called it quits from my part.
Next day(Sunday) he did call me back to apologize because he got too drunk. Normally, I'd act pissed off but just to see what could be his next reaction, I told him 'ah well, it's cool.. I did go there just for you and I was angry at first but since I trust you, I know you'd try your best to get to me'. The funny thing was the fact that I didn't feel stupid to do that. It might have seem like an awww moment for him but I was way beyond myself. I was just too calm and mediocre. Next thing was when he mentioned me as a 'friend'.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, imagine you have this person who held your hand, who tells you that you're the first of the gender he's kissed on the lips and to whom you've given a blow job to and slept together with. Now, if you still call him/her a 'friend', would that be not categorizing him/her as a fuckbuddy? To make things worse, why would anyone want to risk calling someone they like 'friend' while they're dating. If I was dating someone and if I like him, I would try my very best to not even mention the word 'friend'.
So, thanx to that assurance my patience for Red is totally off the window for the moment. I'm still around him cos I feel like I'm worshipped when I'm next to him. I don't know if I could ever get myself to the position of 'falling for him' if one day he wants to stay forever with me but all I know is given a pond of fish that your net could sift, why wade in the other pond with your hand cupped when you know it's either the fish or you that's gonna lose hope soon.. his life or ur will to own that fish... at the moment, my will has died.
I did go out with my sister and my cousins on Saturday and it was surprisingly pleasant. Given it was my last day of alcohol and given it had been yonks since I've drunk with my sister, it was super fun. It's true that it was hard for all of our cousins to get along back in those days because since one is older than the other, we seem to intimidate one another or just take sides while now, we were all on the same level of maturity. It was just heartfelt and it's good to see my sister smiling and enjoying being drunk with her brother and her cousins.
In addition to that, my workmates have been more than friends with me. I feel like a family when I'm with them. In fact, I ended up calling St Patrick at 1am on a Sunday morning drunk and I just feel so good around them. It's kinda sad to think Opal's leaving this week given I've become really close to her in the last few days.
I guess this is all what a good life's about. Screw those who isn't good to you or for you. Now, I'm quite curious what's gonna come out of Red and me.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Crazy Week
So, it's been a while since I last blogged. Not entirely my fault but life at work is being more hectic than ever minus the stress though. Given I have St Patrick and Stallion next to me, I feel as fresh as ever though I have to admit I miss ex-Boss. So, it was paperwork fest with the smell of printer ink 24 7.
I guess I should start from Tuesday then....
KP's wife's BD
So, in a very old fashioned Hein manner, I went over to KP's house for his wife's birthday. The designer was there as well as Steve and his wife. I didn't talk much about Red but Steve just had to pour the big fat downer at me from nowhere. So, apparently, Red is an escort who caters both genders and charges $200 for each. Now, that pisses me off given Red did say I'm the first guy he had kissed. So, if that rumor was true, I would not have been the first guy he kissed.. unless he's into sex without kissing which is a bit of a turn off but given he actually kissed me without the sex part, I'm pretty sure he's into kissing. I told Steve that I do NOT want to believe it though I did thank him. The rest of the night was a bit of a drama. I mean, you have one room full of good friends with nothing to do but smoke weed, smoke and drink. To me, that doesn't sound quite recreational given I had a tiring day at work. A little bit of conversation might help but the only thing KP or Steve ever talked about is our past, which at first could amuse me in any ways possible but after being ear-raped regularly about how we think we were cool in the past, it's become a bit of a re-run. Given the designer was drunk... it was a bit of an entertainment. I made fun of her for her English and there she was proving every single word I've said last week. To make things worse, KP, weed-fucked, joined me in our merry turbo filled laughter. On the other hand, Steve and his wife weren't talking much. We got this cute couple there as well as the depressive has been the-only-girl-rapper-in-Burma. It's funny to see the Sherapper get tipsy and just plain depressing, given she pauses uncontrollably for no reason for a minute after each sentence. The cute couple was just high on weed. I just had fun laughing my ass off with KP, given it's been a while since we had things to laugh at. Oh yeah, KP's wife got drunk later too but it was her birthday so that's legal. Plus, she's awesome, so I wouldn't say much about her.
Red
Given I've been very open and honest with Red, I was more than non hesitant to let him know about what Steve said. I asked him first whether I was REALLY the first boy he's kissed. He said yep on the lips given he's done a bit of cheek pashing on some dudes before. Then, I said 'yeah the rumor's not true then'. Then I told him about the rumor which totally enraged the shit outta him. I don't know what's up with short men but they seem to have this uncontrollable anger that just lurks outta nowhere and bites them in the ass later. I did play a Gandhi role by asking him to be patient and not to seek revenge or even find out who it actually was that's been spreading rumors around. He wouldn't give in. Instead, Grumpy chucked a midget syndrome. You know, the whole Rumpelstilskin look-a-like when short people start talking to themselves but all in bad contexts. Then, he said the cutest thing
"I Need You"
So, as a professional goofprank, I replied
"to find you some clients?"
Then he replied
"as long as they look good"
Not bad for a clicking pair eh... But it turns worse when finally, not really sure if he was joking or not, he mentioned something about needing me to fish for more rumors. Now, that ticked my grenade trigger. Why the fuck would I wanna be his boyfriend for the sake of finding out who's chinese whispering at his back. Let alone his back, I don't even give a hoot about my back. Now this is where I blew my top and started telling him things like "I'm sorry.. you've chosen the wrong guy to do that... Make sure you know what you're looking for and I hope you get what you want"... this was followed by a "Bye" from him; possibly he having to go or both of us just being easily corrupted by anger management failure.
Friday work
So, the battle between me and Red happened on Friday morning, followed by a huge ass pile of work to be done. I was basically doing shit load til I remembered that I had to eat lunch only at eight pm. Now, that's kinda lame, ain't it? On the other hand, St Patrick and Opal(o god.. I call her the Stallion at times) were being more supportive than they should with St Patrick running Muse's repitoirs from his ipod on my office table and Opal telling everyone to leave me alone.
Now, speaking of leaving people alone, I have something to bitch about. It's been a while since I last bitched on this blog but this time I really need to. So, this translator chick who used to work for our organization is supposedly trouble. Opal warned me not to talk to her or mingle with her, to which I just replied with a bit of a chuckle, thinking "Gee Opal who do you think I am? I can deal with crazy women?". BOY I WAS WRONG!!! This retardess is more than 'crazy'. Manipulative whore whose face can only look good when punched from both sides of the cheeks but with a hot Californian accent though with the ugliest taste in what she wear was bad news. I was trying to finish my thing and she was supposed to proof read my material. So, I had to make her wait. That was what Opal wanted as well and OPAL IS MY BOSS after all, plus, a good friend. But, this little Miss Experience had to talk in Burmese so that Opal wouldn't understand to make me get her a copy of my document just so she could go home. Now, technically, Opal won't be happy and I'll be in the line of 'getting fired' or losing trust from work colleagues. Far worse, Opal is a great friend to me and it totally ticked my anger veins when this little proofreader talked in Burmese behind her back to make me do things that would endanger me but benefize her. Fuck that, you epitome of fuckedness!
Finally, she left. And in a very old Hein fashion, I bitched about her to the whole office. She deserved it. Now, things like her DESERVE to be bitched at either in front of them or behind their backs. But it does hurt more when people bitch about you behind your back so I do that on purpose just for this Miss Fuckedness.
After work was awesome since exboss, Opal , St Patrick and exboss's friend (I'll call him Ostrich cos he's Austrian and I once had an English teacher who's from Austria who had saggy tits and made me play Paddington bear. Plus, she looks like an ostrich whenever she bends down to check my work. No wonder I swing the other way) went out with me for beer in Chatrium Hotel, then sushi at some Jap resturant followed by a pool play(snooker much?) at Strand Hotel then at Sedona since Red wasn't there and the only people I know who were there were the designer and the fat mother pimp, who I always dance with and who has this scent of this cheap yet quite ok smelling powder my nanny used to put on when I was five.
I have to say I have good work colleagues. I used to think that BEA's departure's gonna turn things into normal good environment at work BUT St Patrick was far worse in a good way. I not only love Irish people when I was in Sydney but I CRAVED Irish attention and the funny thing is the fact that it's non-homo-contexted. So, I used to go for beer sprees in Sydney and I have this huge racist obsession with Irish people. Now, St Patrick is INSANE!!! And I love it and he's become somewhat a big brother to me at the moment. We were like Ashton Kutcher times two with a bit of Sean Connery charm, and I meant that as in Bond Connery not the white pubed one.
The week days were long lived without sleeps but with good memories of friends and useless gossip and of course without my Red.
The funny thing is I didn't miss him... maybe just cos I know he'll be back soon but I guess I do crave for his presence. There has to be a second round to this "I kissed a girl" era with him or even more.
I guess I was angry with him yesterday but come to think of it, I do like my shorty. He's fun to be with and fun to be myself with. I mean, what's the whole purpose of a relationship when you have to keep being someone else and not be naturally happy?
I called Red this morning to ask if I could come over tonight. It seems like a yes but Sleepyhead needs sleep so I let him go but I'm gonna crash at his place tonight and hopefully we can resolve this crazy "rumors" era and start afresh.
I guess I should start from Tuesday then....
KP's wife's BD
So, in a very old fashioned Hein manner, I went over to KP's house for his wife's birthday. The designer was there as well as Steve and his wife. I didn't talk much about Red but Steve just had to pour the big fat downer at me from nowhere. So, apparently, Red is an escort who caters both genders and charges $200 for each. Now, that pisses me off given Red did say I'm the first guy he had kissed. So, if that rumor was true, I would not have been the first guy he kissed.. unless he's into sex without kissing which is a bit of a turn off but given he actually kissed me without the sex part, I'm pretty sure he's into kissing. I told Steve that I do NOT want to believe it though I did thank him. The rest of the night was a bit of a drama. I mean, you have one room full of good friends with nothing to do but smoke weed, smoke and drink. To me, that doesn't sound quite recreational given I had a tiring day at work. A little bit of conversation might help but the only thing KP or Steve ever talked about is our past, which at first could amuse me in any ways possible but after being ear-raped regularly about how we think we were cool in the past, it's become a bit of a re-run. Given the designer was drunk... it was a bit of an entertainment. I made fun of her for her English and there she was proving every single word I've said last week. To make things worse, KP, weed-fucked, joined me in our merry turbo filled laughter. On the other hand, Steve and his wife weren't talking much. We got this cute couple there as well as the depressive has been the-only-girl-rapper-in-Burma. It's funny to see the Sherapper get tipsy and just plain depressing, given she pauses uncontrollably for no reason for a minute after each sentence. The cute couple was just high on weed. I just had fun laughing my ass off with KP, given it's been a while since we had things to laugh at. Oh yeah, KP's wife got drunk later too but it was her birthday so that's legal. Plus, she's awesome, so I wouldn't say much about her.
Red
Given I've been very open and honest with Red, I was more than non hesitant to let him know about what Steve said. I asked him first whether I was REALLY the first boy he's kissed. He said yep on the lips given he's done a bit of cheek pashing on some dudes before. Then, I said 'yeah the rumor's not true then'. Then I told him about the rumor which totally enraged the shit outta him. I don't know what's up with short men but they seem to have this uncontrollable anger that just lurks outta nowhere and bites them in the ass later. I did play a Gandhi role by asking him to be patient and not to seek revenge or even find out who it actually was that's been spreading rumors around. He wouldn't give in. Instead, Grumpy chucked a midget syndrome. You know, the whole Rumpelstilskin look-a-like when short people start talking to themselves but all in bad contexts. Then, he said the cutest thing
"I Need You"
So, as a professional goofprank, I replied
"to find you some clients?"
Then he replied
"as long as they look good"
Not bad for a clicking pair eh... But it turns worse when finally, not really sure if he was joking or not, he mentioned something about needing me to fish for more rumors. Now, that ticked my grenade trigger. Why the fuck would I wanna be his boyfriend for the sake of finding out who's chinese whispering at his back. Let alone his back, I don't even give a hoot about my back. Now this is where I blew my top and started telling him things like "I'm sorry.. you've chosen the wrong guy to do that... Make sure you know what you're looking for and I hope you get what you want"... this was followed by a "Bye" from him; possibly he having to go or both of us just being easily corrupted by anger management failure.
Friday work
So, the battle between me and Red happened on Friday morning, followed by a huge ass pile of work to be done. I was basically doing shit load til I remembered that I had to eat lunch only at eight pm. Now, that's kinda lame, ain't it? On the other hand, St Patrick and Opal(o god.. I call her the Stallion at times) were being more supportive than they should with St Patrick running Muse's repitoirs from his ipod on my office table and Opal telling everyone to leave me alone.
Now, speaking of leaving people alone, I have something to bitch about. It's been a while since I last bitched on this blog but this time I really need to. So, this translator chick who used to work for our organization is supposedly trouble. Opal warned me not to talk to her or mingle with her, to which I just replied with a bit of a chuckle, thinking "Gee Opal who do you think I am? I can deal with crazy women?". BOY I WAS WRONG!!! This retardess is more than 'crazy'. Manipulative whore whose face can only look good when punched from both sides of the cheeks but with a hot Californian accent though with the ugliest taste in what she wear was bad news. I was trying to finish my thing and she was supposed to proof read my material. So, I had to make her wait. That was what Opal wanted as well and OPAL IS MY BOSS after all, plus, a good friend. But, this little Miss Experience had to talk in Burmese so that Opal wouldn't understand to make me get her a copy of my document just so she could go home. Now, technically, Opal won't be happy and I'll be in the line of 'getting fired' or losing trust from work colleagues. Far worse, Opal is a great friend to me and it totally ticked my anger veins when this little proofreader talked in Burmese behind her back to make me do things that would endanger me but benefize her. Fuck that, you epitome of fuckedness!
Finally, she left. And in a very old Hein fashion, I bitched about her to the whole office. She deserved it. Now, things like her DESERVE to be bitched at either in front of them or behind their backs. But it does hurt more when people bitch about you behind your back so I do that on purpose just for this Miss Fuckedness.
After work was awesome since exboss, Opal , St Patrick and exboss's friend (I'll call him Ostrich cos he's Austrian and I once had an English teacher who's from Austria who had saggy tits and made me play Paddington bear. Plus, she looks like an ostrich whenever she bends down to check my work. No wonder I swing the other way) went out with me for beer in Chatrium Hotel, then sushi at some Jap resturant followed by a pool play(snooker much?) at Strand Hotel then at Sedona since Red wasn't there and the only people I know who were there were the designer and the fat mother pimp, who I always dance with and who has this scent of this cheap yet quite ok smelling powder my nanny used to put on when I was five.
I have to say I have good work colleagues. I used to think that BEA's departure's gonna turn things into normal good environment at work BUT St Patrick was far worse in a good way. I not only love Irish people when I was in Sydney but I CRAVED Irish attention and the funny thing is the fact that it's non-homo-contexted. So, I used to go for beer sprees in Sydney and I have this huge racist obsession with Irish people. Now, St Patrick is INSANE!!! And I love it and he's become somewhat a big brother to me at the moment. We were like Ashton Kutcher times two with a bit of Sean Connery charm, and I meant that as in Bond Connery not the white pubed one.
The week days were long lived without sleeps but with good memories of friends and useless gossip and of course without my Red.
The funny thing is I didn't miss him... maybe just cos I know he'll be back soon but I guess I do crave for his presence. There has to be a second round to this "I kissed a girl" era with him or even more.
I guess I was angry with him yesterday but come to think of it, I do like my shorty. He's fun to be with and fun to be myself with. I mean, what's the whole purpose of a relationship when you have to keep being someone else and not be naturally happy?
I called Red this morning to ask if I could come over tonight. It seems like a yes but Sleepyhead needs sleep so I let him go but I'm gonna crash at his place tonight and hopefully we can resolve this crazy "rumors" era and start afresh.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Work Clown
Adapting to a place is pretty cool but it's even way cooler when you and your workmates are given this time of day to just be someone they're not usually at work. Opal invited me, my x-boss, dad's friend and St Patrick over to her place for pasta and wine. Being italian, her pasta looked easy but tasted great.
Me with white wine and some sheridan shots (some black and white bailey like coffee flavored liquer) ended up me talking almost about anything, followed by me almost stripping to show them my tattoos.
It was awesome....
I just never knew how much of a goofball each of them actually were. Not that I have anything against 'dad's friend' but she was a bit boring, given she was the first one who wanted to leave. If it wasn't for her, I swear we might have even ended up sleeping over at Opal.
I also like the fact that St Patrick mentioned about 'personality' at work. I used to remember when my friends in Sydney used to say that I'll get a job easy because of my personality. I kinda thought it was because I was gay but then again, come to think of it, I guess I do have a bit of a flare in me, that can be flawed sometimes like last wednesday with the designer. But then again, I now know what my friends mean. I guess once you're working, you just have to make sure you're an easy going douche bag who enjoys being paid out hahahaa.
On another note, I have decided that I wanna work on my new album, fifth album and I have also decided that it's gonna be rnb genred and NOT rock anymore. Why go build another house when you already have bricks layered for your current house? :D
Ok, it's the '5pm at work' phase that I'm going through at the moment. For some stupid reason, I want to sleep but I don't get it. I slept right last night.
Me with white wine and some sheridan shots (some black and white bailey like coffee flavored liquer) ended up me talking almost about anything, followed by me almost stripping to show them my tattoos.
It was awesome....
I just never knew how much of a goofball each of them actually were. Not that I have anything against 'dad's friend' but she was a bit boring, given she was the first one who wanted to leave. If it wasn't for her, I swear we might have even ended up sleeping over at Opal.
I also like the fact that St Patrick mentioned about 'personality' at work. I used to remember when my friends in Sydney used to say that I'll get a job easy because of my personality. I kinda thought it was because I was gay but then again, come to think of it, I guess I do have a bit of a flare in me, that can be flawed sometimes like last wednesday with the designer. But then again, I now know what my friends mean. I guess once you're working, you just have to make sure you're an easy going douche bag who enjoys being paid out hahahaa.
On another note, I have decided that I wanna work on my new album, fifth album and I have also decided that it's gonna be rnb genred and NOT rock anymore. Why go build another house when you already have bricks layered for your current house? :D
Ok, it's the '5pm at work' phase that I'm going through at the moment. For some stupid reason, I want to sleep but I don't get it. I slept right last night.
Monday, October 5, 2009
PMS
Ever wonder what it'll be like if you have this monthly flow that keeps staining your favorite pants? Trust me, despite the fact that I'm not a girl to experience that, I guess I could imagine how much of a pain it must be for them.
This agony, more like frustration ruled my Monday morning. It was actually caused by Sunday night when I was doing the whole 'paying respect to parents' thingy. So, every October in Burma, you have this holiday era where you pay respect to your elders and you get pocket money from them. And they also wish you well. One of my mom's wishes made me freeze while I was bowing down to pay respect in front of her. She went 'May you end up with a beautiful good wife'. I was like "WTF". Whenever I get a girl friend, and by this I mean a friend who's a girl, she would be so suspicious over her and would do anything to make me not go out with her that much and now that I've been hanging out with no one, she's all like 'why don't you get a wife?'. I don't get it... fluctuates like a light bulb.. my mom's intention..
So, Monday morning was a pms morning for me since I was a bit pissed off about the fact that Red was gonna go today to bkk and I wouldn't see him for four days. I know it's stupid and that's why I wasn't being seriously angry but having the habit of getting pissed off easily at small things, I was pissed off at my grandparents, to which they laughed at, my dogs, to which they responded me with poo and cakes, before eating my breakfast.. for just being there to make me fat. That kinda continued throughout the office hours.
Finally, St Patrick was in office today and despite the fact that I miss BEA, he could easily qualify to take my 'brother' place, which BEA used to occupy. I was over the moon during office hours and I kinda pity my boss(well, she's an ex boss right now since OPAL's my new boss), Opal, St Patrick and dad's friend. They were kind enough to listen to me talk about Red over and over again.
It was a normaly day at work until around 4pm when Red called. I thought he was already in Bangkok but it turned out that he called me from the airport. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if I could get anything and he said it depends on his budget. So, I, cornily said "I want you as soon as possible" and he did a bit of a chuckle and told me he'll see me on Friday, to which I'm assuming he was actually gonna make the effort to come out after the plane lands.
Call me crazy. Call me psyched. But somehow, I see a lot of things I've always wanted in a man in Red. I just love it more that he initiates stuffs. I don't know... it's a good feeling I guess.
This agony, more like frustration ruled my Monday morning. It was actually caused by Sunday night when I was doing the whole 'paying respect to parents' thingy. So, every October in Burma, you have this holiday era where you pay respect to your elders and you get pocket money from them. And they also wish you well. One of my mom's wishes made me freeze while I was bowing down to pay respect in front of her. She went 'May you end up with a beautiful good wife'. I was like "WTF". Whenever I get a girl friend, and by this I mean a friend who's a girl, she would be so suspicious over her and would do anything to make me not go out with her that much and now that I've been hanging out with no one, she's all like 'why don't you get a wife?'. I don't get it... fluctuates like a light bulb.. my mom's intention..
So, Monday morning was a pms morning for me since I was a bit pissed off about the fact that Red was gonna go today to bkk and I wouldn't see him for four days. I know it's stupid and that's why I wasn't being seriously angry but having the habit of getting pissed off easily at small things, I was pissed off at my grandparents, to which they laughed at, my dogs, to which they responded me with poo and cakes, before eating my breakfast.. for just being there to make me fat. That kinda continued throughout the office hours.
Finally, St Patrick was in office today and despite the fact that I miss BEA, he could easily qualify to take my 'brother' place, which BEA used to occupy. I was over the moon during office hours and I kinda pity my boss(well, she's an ex boss right now since OPAL's my new boss), Opal, St Patrick and dad's friend. They were kind enough to listen to me talk about Red over and over again.
It was a normaly day at work until around 4pm when Red called. I thought he was already in Bangkok but it turned out that he called me from the airport. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if I could get anything and he said it depends on his budget. So, I, cornily said "I want you as soon as possible" and he did a bit of a chuckle and told me he'll see me on Friday, to which I'm assuming he was actually gonna make the effort to come out after the plane lands.
Call me crazy. Call me psyched. But somehow, I see a lot of things I've always wanted in a man in Red. I just love it more that he initiates stuffs. I don't know... it's a good feeling I guess.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I Kissed A Boy
Saturdays are meant to be mom's day. That's when I would visit my mom and end up playing 13 cards poker with my granny and my aunts. Yep, a round of females and me, gotta love it. But this Saturday was just off the hook.
It all started after I woke up from yesterday's shit feeling all selfless and low in the guts. Still afresh from my 'I'll do what I want' mood, I decided to give Red a call just to see if I could come over. So, pizza lunching was planned.
I arrived at his place around 12pm and at first we were just chilling. Chillage followed by a feta cheese, mushroom, ham and pineapple pizza. Pizza followed by movies one after another, where one of us would have one complaint about each movie and would stop after five minutes of the first chapter on dvd. DVD changage followed by him showering and me waiting on his bed checking out BBC. Me watching BBC followed by him trying to pick something to wear that resembled mine in color. Finding matching shirts and pants followed by me calling my house for a blue jeans. Me calling my house for blue jeans followed by him lending me a pink scarf identical to his red one. Us wearing scarves followed by bbq at his friend's place.
Now, actually he's got a meeting there with some people from Filo Embassy and his friend and I tagged along. His friend is Filo and of course a Filo in a Filo house is never lonely. They were really friendly but just talked a lot in Filo BUT since they had karaoke machine, i gulped down two glasses of on the rocks and sang back to back with this Filo lady and two of us kinda took over the karaoke machine room.
After that, we went to KP. KP, despite our incident yesterday, suggested I bring Red with me. So, I brought Red and his friend over to Kp's house. This time, Steve and his wife were there as well, and of course KP's wife. Since Red is a big fan of KP's punk band, things went well. I started playing guitar chords while Red strummed and we started singing some songs. It was a good time.
Then, off to Sedona for Red's friend to meet up with her friends. Instead we met up with BEA and the new Irish-takeover. Yes, since BEA is to leave today, a new guy came into our office and this is an Irish guy. St patrick LOL. Red and I became more intimate than ever in public. From line dancing together to having him in my arms on most of the night, it felt good.
BEA and St Patrick were more than fun to be around and I find it quite awesome that Red and his friend got to know them as well. Now, I saw two singers: one, who's one of my big idol and the other one, who's a freshy. Now, the freshy was asking me why I quit showbiz. Told her I had no money but then she kept telling me to come up with more songs. So, I'm quite hopeful with my fifth album.
Now, since it was too late to go home, I slept over at Red's house. It was really boring at first and I just gave up hoping it would be at least a snuggle fest.
At one am, Red moved closer to me. Started to pull my arms around him. I ended up having him in my arms once again. And he turned towards me and exactly around 2am, he kissed me on my lips. After a long session of it, I asked him how it was. He told me I was the first boy he's kissed followed by "I wanna sleep" in Burmese, which was really cute. Then, Mr Red and I dozed off. By morning time, we woke up and we reached third base.
I was happy.... not cos I turned him gay or anything like that.. Just cos I know I won't be used and that he really likes me enough to trust me to lead him to third base. I guess at that moment, I kinda felt this feeling which had been lost for sometime. To eliminate this feeling and just so he knows how I'm feeling, I whispered in his ears... "You're beautiful...... " followed by "internally". His response? A smile and a pat on my head without opening his eyes. We cuddled and dozed off to a gloomy sunday.
It all started after I woke up from yesterday's shit feeling all selfless and low in the guts. Still afresh from my 'I'll do what I want' mood, I decided to give Red a call just to see if I could come over. So, pizza lunching was planned.
I arrived at his place around 12pm and at first we were just chilling. Chillage followed by a feta cheese, mushroom, ham and pineapple pizza. Pizza followed by movies one after another, where one of us would have one complaint about each movie and would stop after five minutes of the first chapter on dvd. DVD changage followed by him showering and me waiting on his bed checking out BBC. Me watching BBC followed by him trying to pick something to wear that resembled mine in color. Finding matching shirts and pants followed by me calling my house for a blue jeans. Me calling my house for blue jeans followed by him lending me a pink scarf identical to his red one. Us wearing scarves followed by bbq at his friend's place.
Now, actually he's got a meeting there with some people from Filo Embassy and his friend and I tagged along. His friend is Filo and of course a Filo in a Filo house is never lonely. They were really friendly but just talked a lot in Filo BUT since they had karaoke machine, i gulped down two glasses of on the rocks and sang back to back with this Filo lady and two of us kinda took over the karaoke machine room.
After that, we went to KP. KP, despite our incident yesterday, suggested I bring Red with me. So, I brought Red and his friend over to Kp's house. This time, Steve and his wife were there as well, and of course KP's wife. Since Red is a big fan of KP's punk band, things went well. I started playing guitar chords while Red strummed and we started singing some songs. It was a good time.
Then, off to Sedona for Red's friend to meet up with her friends. Instead we met up with BEA and the new Irish-takeover. Yes, since BEA is to leave today, a new guy came into our office and this is an Irish guy. St patrick LOL. Red and I became more intimate than ever in public. From line dancing together to having him in my arms on most of the night, it felt good.
BEA and St Patrick were more than fun to be around and I find it quite awesome that Red and his friend got to know them as well. Now, I saw two singers: one, who's one of my big idol and the other one, who's a freshy. Now, the freshy was asking me why I quit showbiz. Told her I had no money but then she kept telling me to come up with more songs. So, I'm quite hopeful with my fifth album.
Now, since it was too late to go home, I slept over at Red's house. It was really boring at first and I just gave up hoping it would be at least a snuggle fest.
At one am, Red moved closer to me. Started to pull my arms around him. I ended up having him in my arms once again. And he turned towards me and exactly around 2am, he kissed me on my lips. After a long session of it, I asked him how it was. He told me I was the first boy he's kissed followed by "I wanna sleep" in Burmese, which was really cute. Then, Mr Red and I dozed off. By morning time, we woke up and we reached third base.
I was happy.... not cos I turned him gay or anything like that.. Just cos I know I won't be used and that he really likes me enough to trust me to lead him to third base. I guess at that moment, I kinda felt this feeling which had been lost for sometime. To eliminate this feeling and just so he knows how I'm feeling, I whispered in his ears... "You're beautiful...... " followed by "internally". His response? A smile and a pat on my head without opening his eyes. We cuddled and dozed off to a gloomy sunday.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Drama Queen
I guess not being in the 'know' is the suckiest feeling anyone could ever have. I don't know how people choose to ignore it or fake it to dig for more but when my way of playing games is concerned, I feel better being in the 'know'.
After putting in so much effort to better myself out of this dilemma, I have come to realize that unless I respect my decision and stick to what I want to do, I will never get what I want no matter how right others' advices are. I mean, they might be right after all but we seem to ignore the real difference between right and wrong. There isn't any difference between those two, given anyone could see it in any way. Now, why would you want to act upon someone's perspective on 'rights' and 'wrongs' when YOU are the one who will be suffering after the actions taken according to their what's wrong or right.
So, not following my workmate's advice, I have decided to message Red. My workmate wouldn't mind since she doesn't make a big deal out of anything. And also not following or even believing what my friend said, I have finally decided to risk this. I don't care if Red is gonna use me or if he's even acting gay just to have my money. The thing here is me. I will be happy just to talk to him and be able to communicate openly with someone I have a huge crush on and quite keen to start something, if there's any.
Someone told me online that things DO happen for a reason and Red wouldn't just hop out of anywhere to just use me.. given I'm not that much of a filthy rich whore anyways.
So, I contacted Red and asked if his family was ok. Yes, worldwide disasters do give me an ice breaking topic. Given his family live right at the part of Phillipine where the typhoon hit and given it's gonna be hitting on Saturday, it's only fair that I give this boy a 'are you ok' flag.
Good choice I thought because despite the fact that I told him I'll leave him be if he's busy, he chose to keep talking to me while waiting for messages from his family. Then we talked.
To cut things short, I told him I do NOT know what to call him in front of my friends and that I don't even know if he's straight or gay. He doesn't know either but he did say he likes me. So, I told him that unless I know that there is something out there for me to go for, I won't make any moves. I also told him how stupid I feel that he always ends up initiating moves. I mean, why can't I be the first one to hold his hands? Why can't I hug him? I told him I would like to walk hand in hand with someone I care about and not behind him while he's doing all the moves. I also told him how I really held onto him only because I really like him and given I have nothing to be desperate given there are a bunch of gay guys out there and he would not be god given's gift that I want to kick him outta straightville for.
After so much honesty and quite something that I have avoided doing for years to someone I like, it worked out well. He told me his point of view and that he wanted the same things I did and that he would like to walk hand in hand with me as opposed to me behind him.
I told him I would be there at Sedona that night after I hung out with Steve and co.
Now, this was when shit happened. Steve came over to KP's house late and it ended up with KP, KP's wife, Steve and me at his place. Steve's wife didn't show up, the reason being their house had a power cut and their kid won't sleep. But the real reason was the fact that Steve's wife did not want to be between me and the designer.
Ok, it was half my bad. I called Steve's wife and I was telling him how I am not going to trust the designer anymore when Red is concerned. No matter what she says about him, I will ignore. And I meant that JUST FOR RED's CASE and not for others. However, Steve's wife who's doing business with the designer, refused to either go to our drinking place or the designer's party.
At first I thought that was pretty stupid of her given she's the most mature of our group. But when Steve and KP told me something else, I realized that Steve's wife was not the immature one but the designer was. On Wednesday, I got drunk and I did make fun of her English. Given I had done three revues, it's hard to shut me up at times and when someone mentions they're my buddies, I DO FULLY believe that they are in FACT my real buddies. So, at times, I would overtease.
Now, Steve and KP saw me as this drama queen who brought in this package(RED) along to kinda smoke up our group of six that used to go out almost every Fridays. I couldn't talk. I was so upset. I did'nt know who to get angry with. Me? The designer? KP and Steve? I mean mewise, I was just being honest and this was the ever one drama that I've opened up to them. Given I'm usually the clown of the group, people find it quite hard to adapt to any shattered days I would face. The designerwise, I could see her point how she would get truly embarassed and would cry for getting mocked at by me for her weakness. I know it hurts I know it made her cry but I would rather she say it straight to my face. KP and Stevewise, they've always never been hesitant to say it like they see it.
So, all of us tried to track down the designer that night. She was nowhere to be seen and we gave up. Ended up going to Sedona with Steve, KP and his wife and me. Saw Red there. I was happy at first but given I told him I wouldn't introduce him to my friends unless he tells me what he is or how he wants to be introduced. So, I looked at Red from afar hoping I could just hug him and cry. I was torn. I felt so alone. I was being a drama queen and the cause of this was because I was being one on Wednesday. It even made things worse when Steve spotted Red and said "So, you went to all these drama just because of this short guy?"
Yes, I know Red is short. But that wasn't the point. I was just so gone. I got so pissed off and I dragged one woman and danced like mad with her. Went home and yes, cried myself to sleep. I just felt hated.
After putting in so much effort to better myself out of this dilemma, I have come to realize that unless I respect my decision and stick to what I want to do, I will never get what I want no matter how right others' advices are. I mean, they might be right after all but we seem to ignore the real difference between right and wrong. There isn't any difference between those two, given anyone could see it in any way. Now, why would you want to act upon someone's perspective on 'rights' and 'wrongs' when YOU are the one who will be suffering after the actions taken according to their what's wrong or right.
So, not following my workmate's advice, I have decided to message Red. My workmate wouldn't mind since she doesn't make a big deal out of anything. And also not following or even believing what my friend said, I have finally decided to risk this. I don't care if Red is gonna use me or if he's even acting gay just to have my money. The thing here is me. I will be happy just to talk to him and be able to communicate openly with someone I have a huge crush on and quite keen to start something, if there's any.
Someone told me online that things DO happen for a reason and Red wouldn't just hop out of anywhere to just use me.. given I'm not that much of a filthy rich whore anyways.
So, I contacted Red and asked if his family was ok. Yes, worldwide disasters do give me an ice breaking topic. Given his family live right at the part of Phillipine where the typhoon hit and given it's gonna be hitting on Saturday, it's only fair that I give this boy a 'are you ok' flag.
Good choice I thought because despite the fact that I told him I'll leave him be if he's busy, he chose to keep talking to me while waiting for messages from his family. Then we talked.
To cut things short, I told him I do NOT know what to call him in front of my friends and that I don't even know if he's straight or gay. He doesn't know either but he did say he likes me. So, I told him that unless I know that there is something out there for me to go for, I won't make any moves. I also told him how stupid I feel that he always ends up initiating moves. I mean, why can't I be the first one to hold his hands? Why can't I hug him? I told him I would like to walk hand in hand with someone I care about and not behind him while he's doing all the moves. I also told him how I really held onto him only because I really like him and given I have nothing to be desperate given there are a bunch of gay guys out there and he would not be god given's gift that I want to kick him outta straightville for.
After so much honesty and quite something that I have avoided doing for years to someone I like, it worked out well. He told me his point of view and that he wanted the same things I did and that he would like to walk hand in hand with me as opposed to me behind him.
I told him I would be there at Sedona that night after I hung out with Steve and co.
Now, this was when shit happened. Steve came over to KP's house late and it ended up with KP, KP's wife, Steve and me at his place. Steve's wife didn't show up, the reason being their house had a power cut and their kid won't sleep. But the real reason was the fact that Steve's wife did not want to be between me and the designer.
Ok, it was half my bad. I called Steve's wife and I was telling him how I am not going to trust the designer anymore when Red is concerned. No matter what she says about him, I will ignore. And I meant that JUST FOR RED's CASE and not for others. However, Steve's wife who's doing business with the designer, refused to either go to our drinking place or the designer's party.
At first I thought that was pretty stupid of her given she's the most mature of our group. But when Steve and KP told me something else, I realized that Steve's wife was not the immature one but the designer was. On Wednesday, I got drunk and I did make fun of her English. Given I had done three revues, it's hard to shut me up at times and when someone mentions they're my buddies, I DO FULLY believe that they are in FACT my real buddies. So, at times, I would overtease.
Now, Steve and KP saw me as this drama queen who brought in this package(RED) along to kinda smoke up our group of six that used to go out almost every Fridays. I couldn't talk. I was so upset. I did'nt know who to get angry with. Me? The designer? KP and Steve? I mean mewise, I was just being honest and this was the ever one drama that I've opened up to them. Given I'm usually the clown of the group, people find it quite hard to adapt to any shattered days I would face. The designerwise, I could see her point how she would get truly embarassed and would cry for getting mocked at by me for her weakness. I know it hurts I know it made her cry but I would rather she say it straight to my face. KP and Stevewise, they've always never been hesitant to say it like they see it.
So, all of us tried to track down the designer that night. She was nowhere to be seen and we gave up. Ended up going to Sedona with Steve, KP and his wife and me. Saw Red there. I was happy at first but given I told him I wouldn't introduce him to my friends unless he tells me what he is or how he wants to be introduced. So, I looked at Red from afar hoping I could just hug him and cry. I was torn. I felt so alone. I was being a drama queen and the cause of this was because I was being one on Wednesday. It even made things worse when Steve spotted Red and said "So, you went to all these drama just because of this short guy?"
Yes, I know Red is short. But that wasn't the point. I was just so gone. I got so pissed off and I dragged one woman and danced like mad with her. Went home and yes, cried myself to sleep. I just felt hated.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Scattered Jar
Work's been pretty busy lately and I've reached this position where I'm initiating things to avoid any traffic in any tasks given to me, which means deciding for myself in order to get things done. In addition, I was asked to attend this three day training while working, which wasn't much of a great deal but it was quite hectic since the training was on the level ground floor and work was on forth. There were a few part of the training that I've missed because I was asked to be the phone bitch on the forth floor and since communication is a huge problem here, it's quite fun to be kept busy.
So, during this 'team building' training which was a bit of a time waster for me since doing three revues had pretty much skeptically taught me shit loads though I did go there to mingle with the new team members that we were gonna send out to the locations, the professor talked about this Rock Jar.
A Rock jar is just this jar and you're asked to put rocks in it. So, after putting some rocks, the owner realized there were some spaces left. So, he put in some pebbles and then because there were some spaces left, he put some sand, then water. So, the professor treated these obstacles as priorities. So, he asked us to write down our rocks, pebbles, sand and water in life. The funny thing was I couldn't think. I didn't know what I have prioritized in life. I thought family was first but it came to the point where I would actually spend more time intentionally than I do with my family. So, I was guessing they would both be rocks. Then, I would have 'love' as a pebble but two days ago, I rushed out of work and refused to care about spending time with my grandad. So, I came to the point where I accepted that my jar contents are actually scattered. Imagine putting water in, then sand then rock. Some of them would be floating around and alike these obstacles, things are floating for me. How?
First of all, Red had totally disappointed me by not making any effort to communicate with me, be it gtalk or phone and I have also been a bit shunned to start the conversation. So, I don't know what's going on with that.
Then, we have my work which is totally making me happy. Love the work, love the internet, love the people.
Then, this morning I received a letter from immigration which stated that I'll either get the PR really fast (as a temp visa, which is kinda new and weird) or I won't hear from them until 2012.
So, I'm floating in space with this feeling of not knowing what's going on around me. For once, I do admit I am having a huge severe migraine.
I somehow killed one of those bugs this morning by messaging Red. I know I am supposed to not initiate the communication but somehow there WAS a typhoon in Philippine and there is one coming up this weekend. So, it's only normal and Hein of me to send him an 'are you ok' email. I don't know.. I'll take my chances.. I just want to do anything that would make me happy. If I listened to my friend and not make a move on him, I'll never know what will happen. Plus, people can change and also, people talk. What if this was another case of chinese whisper...
Fuck it, I'm gonna do what I want
So, during this 'team building' training which was a bit of a time waster for me since doing three revues had pretty much skeptically taught me shit loads though I did go there to mingle with the new team members that we were gonna send out to the locations, the professor talked about this Rock Jar.
A Rock jar is just this jar and you're asked to put rocks in it. So, after putting some rocks, the owner realized there were some spaces left. So, he put in some pebbles and then because there were some spaces left, he put some sand, then water. So, the professor treated these obstacles as priorities. So, he asked us to write down our rocks, pebbles, sand and water in life. The funny thing was I couldn't think. I didn't know what I have prioritized in life. I thought family was first but it came to the point where I would actually spend more time intentionally than I do with my family. So, I was guessing they would both be rocks. Then, I would have 'love' as a pebble but two days ago, I rushed out of work and refused to care about spending time with my grandad. So, I came to the point where I accepted that my jar contents are actually scattered. Imagine putting water in, then sand then rock. Some of them would be floating around and alike these obstacles, things are floating for me. How?
First of all, Red had totally disappointed me by not making any effort to communicate with me, be it gtalk or phone and I have also been a bit shunned to start the conversation. So, I don't know what's going on with that.
Then, we have my work which is totally making me happy. Love the work, love the internet, love the people.
Then, this morning I received a letter from immigration which stated that I'll either get the PR really fast (as a temp visa, which is kinda new and weird) or I won't hear from them until 2012.
So, I'm floating in space with this feeling of not knowing what's going on around me. For once, I do admit I am having a huge severe migraine.
I somehow killed one of those bugs this morning by messaging Red. I know I am supposed to not initiate the communication but somehow there WAS a typhoon in Philippine and there is one coming up this weekend. So, it's only normal and Hein of me to send him an 'are you ok' email. I don't know.. I'll take my chances.. I just want to do anything that would make me happy. If I listened to my friend and not make a move on him, I'll never know what will happen. Plus, people can change and also, people talk. What if this was another case of chinese whisper...
Fuck it, I'm gonna do what I want
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wake Me Up When September Ends
September seems so long and a lot had gone on in the month. Became a full time employee with a humanitarian group, made friends with my workmates, realized work was better than home, realized I cannot save my family members, decided that there's nothing scary about being gay, felt ready to come out to my parents or grandparents if they should ever ask, had a crush on a straight guy who was just being my friend just for the fuck of it, had a crush on my workmate, found out he's an awesome big brother slash friend to me, had a crush on a filo guy and just as I thought things were coming to a good halt, September ended. Rough at the beginning but kinda better towards the end, I thought of wanting to just sleep through it. I was wrong.
Yesterday, Red became more of an asshole than I could've ever imagined. He was just being boring on chat and he started giving excuse about his itchy throat and how he didn't wanna go out and how he just wanted to stay online and talk to his sister while I was trying my ass off to do whatever it takes to meet him. I got pissed off and I shared my story with my 'boss' and BEA. Minutes later, I got more pissed off... because I have become the person I was when I was with Simon. He might've just chucked a normal gesture... sick, talking to sister and not wanting to hang out. But I took that as he had started to lose interest in me. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU TURNED INTO, HEIN????? So, after I broke up with Simon, I have tried to better myself. And after four years of being single and dating and just whoring around, I've become stronger and finally when I date this dude, I have finally become as weak as I was four years ago. I was so pissed off with myself.
The greatest thing about work was the fact that my Italy workmate(who got back), let's name her "OPAL", had a ciggie with me while BEA patted me on the back and asked me to promise him not to eat ice cream (because I was telling him I'll go home to eat ice cream to which he referred to as 'self pity' which was way too true). 'Boss' even told me some of her stories which resembled a bit of mine and somehow, I didn't feel that bad anymore. Then, to make myself feel better, I went over to KP's to have some alcohol with his wife, Steve, Steve's wife and the designer. I finally told the designer and the wives about Red.
Steve's wife wanted me to do what I want and that she would be there for me if any shit should happen. KP's wife didn't want me to feel worried for something that I have no idea of. BUT, the designer told me something that kinda still keep me in the 'downer' side.
So, apparently, Red is a gold digger. He once hooked up with the designer's friend and borrowed money from her and did not give back. The designer asked him about the money and he got pissed off. Now, the designer thinks that he's lying about his gayness in order to dig some money off me. Now, the thing is he DID confess to me that he has never done a guy before in his life. I just don't know what to make of it but lately, he's been a bit of a quiet-fan. He hasn't even messaged me on gtalk as I'm typing at the moment.
I don't really know what's gonna come out of this but it pains me that such a person exists. Someone who would fake he's gay to get money off me? Seriously, I AM NOT Rich. I am NOT popular. What does he want from me?
Now, Steve and KP had another suggestion. It was to have sex with him and make sure he's gay just to make sure he's not being a friend of mine for the money.
This morning, when I got to work, BEA came over to my room and asked me if I had ice cream the night before. I thought that was really sweet of him. For someone who said "I don't care" when I told him "I'm gonna miss you when you leave the office NO HOMO", that meant a lot to me. Given he also saved me from my drunkness last friday, I do see him as my big brother figure. I mean, why would I want him to be gay when he can be my big brother with a good wife? And what would make me think he would swing my way? Hah..
But yeah, I'm still so confused. and very sad if only what the designer said was true.....
Yesterday, Red became more of an asshole than I could've ever imagined. He was just being boring on chat and he started giving excuse about his itchy throat and how he didn't wanna go out and how he just wanted to stay online and talk to his sister while I was trying my ass off to do whatever it takes to meet him. I got pissed off and I shared my story with my 'boss' and BEA. Minutes later, I got more pissed off... because I have become the person I was when I was with Simon. He might've just chucked a normal gesture... sick, talking to sister and not wanting to hang out. But I took that as he had started to lose interest in me. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU TURNED INTO, HEIN????? So, after I broke up with Simon, I have tried to better myself. And after four years of being single and dating and just whoring around, I've become stronger and finally when I date this dude, I have finally become as weak as I was four years ago. I was so pissed off with myself.
The greatest thing about work was the fact that my Italy workmate(who got back), let's name her "OPAL", had a ciggie with me while BEA patted me on the back and asked me to promise him not to eat ice cream (because I was telling him I'll go home to eat ice cream to which he referred to as 'self pity' which was way too true). 'Boss' even told me some of her stories which resembled a bit of mine and somehow, I didn't feel that bad anymore. Then, to make myself feel better, I went over to KP's to have some alcohol with his wife, Steve, Steve's wife and the designer. I finally told the designer and the wives about Red.
Steve's wife wanted me to do what I want and that she would be there for me if any shit should happen. KP's wife didn't want me to feel worried for something that I have no idea of. BUT, the designer told me something that kinda still keep me in the 'downer' side.
So, apparently, Red is a gold digger. He once hooked up with the designer's friend and borrowed money from her and did not give back. The designer asked him about the money and he got pissed off. Now, the designer thinks that he's lying about his gayness in order to dig some money off me. Now, the thing is he DID confess to me that he has never done a guy before in his life. I just don't know what to make of it but lately, he's been a bit of a quiet-fan. He hasn't even messaged me on gtalk as I'm typing at the moment.
I don't really know what's gonna come out of this but it pains me that such a person exists. Someone who would fake he's gay to get money off me? Seriously, I AM NOT Rich. I am NOT popular. What does he want from me?
Now, Steve and KP had another suggestion. It was to have sex with him and make sure he's gay just to make sure he's not being a friend of mine for the money.
This morning, when I got to work, BEA came over to my room and asked me if I had ice cream the night before. I thought that was really sweet of him. For someone who said "I don't care" when I told him "I'm gonna miss you when you leave the office NO HOMO", that meant a lot to me. Given he also saved me from my drunkness last friday, I do see him as my big brother figure. I mean, why would I want him to be gay when he can be my big brother with a good wife? And what would make me think he would swing my way? Hah..
But yeah, I'm still so confused. and very sad if only what the designer said was true.....
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