Doing It For the Kids

One of my blog entries earlier had this part where I imagined myself as one of the characters from a TV series and I was hoping I could just teleport to five years later like the "Desperate Housewives". Well, the funny thing is it did happen but in the wrong time frame.

I was at Hkunie's house last night and that blog entry crossed my mind. Hkunie and I were schoolmates and pretty close from Grade V til Grade IX. We hung out a lot after both of our zig zaggatorial lives. He went off to England at one point then I went off to Singapore. But yeah, both of us managed to keep in touch. So, five years in Australia, I was pretty much out of touch. I guess I'm not that good in the 'keeping in touch' routine but I guess as true friends go, we were always able to pick up where we left off.

This time round, we both had a different feel. We both know we both have our own groups of friends. We both are full time workers and we both have to come back to our family. In another word, we both became 'uncool'?? But on a brighter note, we both have found serenity and quite a peaceful track in our friendship. I have accepted the fact that he has a lot of friends I might not know and despite his recent pals and buddies, me and Hkunie would always be friends. I mean... fuck the terminology.. I don't even think close or best friends exist anymore for some reason. I guess, we both respect each other more.

I got to see his beautiful wife, both in heart and in person and now his awesome adorable son, Shawn. I went to their house, which was an apartment with a swimming pool. Living on 15th floor with his wife, kid, a dog and two helpers, this was exactly five years later episode of my life in Burma. I was talking to him about how we both have never seen this five years ago.

Our conversations, which once would consist of things about other people, friends of people in general, had totally shrunken to families. He talked about his kid's birth and I talked about my gramps and sisters and all that. Sometimes it makes me wonder where the MTV conversations, talks about PSgames or just movies in general disappear to between us. But nonetheless it was the best chat I've had with Hkunie.

You know that feeling you have when you come back home from your friends and you run to your parents and go 'dad, I want that new GI Joe figure that my friend's got'. I did the same when I got back from Hkunie's but what I wanted was a kid. Seconds later, I felt stupid. But yeah.... you have no idea how special it was to listen to Hkunie and his wife talking about his kid. There were times the doctor would say there's no hope and this made my friend, Hkunie, a man, break down to tears. The feeling or the 'roller coaster ride' that Hkunie likes to call it... it was just amazing to hear it from the two 'now parents' but 'once was my hangout friends with no family life of his own'. The sacrifice they both had to take, the commitments they both had to make, the time they had to find and the hope they had to live on. All of this comes to one good thing, which is of course their son, Shawn. While listening to them, I kinda got this mixed feeling of 'do I still want a kid?' or 'OMG I can't wait to get one myself'. It's just that it sounds so hectic yet rewarding and I have this thing for kids. I just love them.

In the end, I understand why Hkunie is one happy man. While waiting for my songs to upload on his laptop, Hkunie and I had some wine and waited. Then, Shawn woke up and his mom, Su Mon, came over to our room and showed him to me. I was scared at first. I was scared at how vulnerable a baby actually looks. This was a newborn... not a toddler. I've dealt with toddlers before but this was one little baby in a wrapping, those that we think would be swinging underneath a pelican.

I got my hands cleaned and finally I had Shawn in my arms. Call it chemical reaction or just euphoric joy, I had a sudden rush of feelings all over me. I thought of lots of things.

1. Why do people not think of kids when parents fight?
2. Why do people take divorce too easy?
3. Why don't people love their kids anymore as they grow?
4. What makes a baby so magical?
5. Why am I feeling this way?

As these emotions sweep by like some photo slideshows in facebook applications, I looked at Shawn. I wasn't sure if he could see me but he was staring at me. The puny baby eyes, the curiosity, the innocence, the simplicity, the serenity. With Shawn in my hand, I felt this whole phase of peace. I was at peace and it felt like me and this baby and nothing else around me. Such innocence when we were born, it's hard to even think we could come up with so much flaws in life. Shawn kept studying my face, my spiky hair, my unshaved so called craig david beard and he would yawn once in a while. His little baby mouth would open and he would give a sigh. I looked at him and I just felt this greatest feeling. I was wondering how Hkunie would be one lucky and happy mofo on earth given even I felt this good, both Hkunie and Su Mon must be very very happy.

I seriously don't get it. Why do we do things that would hurt our children? I guess I am lucky cos if ever I should fail to keep up with my own family, I will always remember the questioning eyes that Shawn gave me. And of course I would always try my very best not to make my kid question and hopefully he or she would get the most of what life could give to him/her.

Anyone reading this... I know we all differ but please, don't forget that look your kid gives you or don't forget to look at the look that your kid gives because that is the only possible way which would stop you from making a mistake. The kids are our future and why not give them the best shot?

Quote of the Day

"You live in third world.. I am really horny... we all have our issues" -BG, one of my valued good friend

Two

I guess when you have the word 'two' in your life, it's time for compromises and sharing of what his likes and your likes are as well as dislikes. There are some things that totally stops Craig and kinda silences him... despite the fact that I care and wanna know why, I didn't ask anymore.. I guess.. for the time being, it's no use trying to find what's behind a man when you can't even face him yet...

but of course you can't stop a guy from wondering what his partner's up to in his mysterious head.

I love you, mr but at times your jigzaw pieces don't fit..

Going with the flow is the best option for now.

Hatred

Facebook....
seems like a new way of communication and in all honesty, I love it. Without facebook, I would never know which of my friends came out of their closets nor I would know that pineapples actually grow on the ground, as opposed to growing from a tree. I would never be able to see the beautiful faces of my friends in Sydney and my cast crew and stalk what they've been up to nor I would ever find out that I'm actually 99% sexy(according to how sexy are you application). I would never get to know people like Andy, Ben, Chris, Cam or Dion, those who I would've just shagged and never try enough to actually listen to what they have to say and find out how respectful they can actually be nor I would ever get to be reminded of how fat of a kid I was when I was young. I would never get to meet someone who I don't have to feel stupid for how many times I type the words "I love you" and also don't feel ridiculous after everytime I say it...

So yes I do love facebook...

Now, today as I was going through my list of friends, I was kinda surprised to see a lot of them who has never talked to me before. Keyboard shy or just too busy to make an attempt to type stuffs, it's totally an ok thing. As a busy workaholic, I totally could relate to the word 'schedule' and how that would not be able to make any facebook users get on it much.

Another thing that totally made me write this blog today is how some of the people who, I heard, hate me had actually added me. Well, ok. first of all, thou shall not believe rumors. Well, this comes from a trusted source but even then, I let myself think 'well, ok.. maybe we both might have a different perception of people.' Well, as I was scrolling down to more friends.. I saw A LOT of them who was never good to me. if there was a game and if you could randomly choose a facebook friend and tell the show host about the last time you guys met in real life... it would all come down as

1. we were in a fight and we decided to not talk to each other at all.
2. i fucked up his life and he thinks i'm a retard.
3. i do not talk to him much so he just decides to choose another in crowd.

So, my question here is.. why the add????
If our last encounter involved something that's rather uninteresting to move on, why would you even bother to add? Forgiveness??? Well, as you all know and to those who knows me well, I am not the type who knows how to spell the word 'grudge' correctly. (Yes, I used spell check on that). There is never a need to ask for forgiveness since I can't give a total fuck about what's going on in your head, be it ingenious or just plain dumb. I have my own life to live and my own dramas to learn stuffs from and I'm so thrilled to be able to actually have things to do than to add someone that you last argued with on facebook and NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL (well maybe a few pic comments here and there).

Well, the news here is 'they still despise me'... now, I have a full time job and I'm working on my fifth album and also looking for other jobs while trying to see my friends once in a while in life.... if you haters have ANY WAYS to stretch the time of day to the point where you have so much to give to me, aka the person you hate, please spare me some time as a bit of an extra tick tock could save me a lot in life.

It's pathetic guys!!!! You wanna show me how much hatred you have for me and yet you don't do anything about it. I'll give you suggestions..

1. spread bad rumors about me...
wait.. that might not work because my family and friends believe in me and we discard any shit we hear from others... hmmm

2. back stab me
wait... that might not work either since my back's too numb after being stabbed a couple of times in the past.. hmmm

3. call me gay??
wait .. that might not work.. cos I DON'T GIVE A FUCK about what you guys think of my sexual preference when YOU ARE THE SICKO who thinks about what others like to do in bed with who and what gender.... I've seen a man bashed to bloodsheds in front of my eyes because of his gender preference and the last thing I need from you guys is an inspector gadget wannabe filthy mouth to ever judge on what gender I sleep with.. want the answer?? I sleep with those I love... and yes, it makes a lot of sense!!

you know what!!! This is taking me so long to write
Why don't you delete me off your friend list and just
Fuck off!!!!

I can help you to get to know me better but I cannot help you for not spending my precious time hating you as much as you hate me... Time's money! Suck of my pennies while you fuck yourself up with negativities.

xox

H

P.S.

I hate the fact that you know my blogsite address. But you're a lazy ass and I can cope with you not coming around here reading what I have to bitch about you. :) Love you, boo!

Dear Boo

First day much, boo? You made me feel as if I'm this paranoid jerk and a bit of a doofus captured in his own security and you sound like an old record player with vinyl discs with scratches caught in a repititive loop mode. You made me wanna hit you in the face but somehow it's not to hurt you but it's just because you're being so stupid and weird. You made me wanna question myself a lot of things..

Somehow, I never felt the need to get rid of you nor judge you during these minutes we talked. Getting to know you feels refreshing and telling you stuffs I wouldn't tell anyone makes me feel somewhat secure.

They say you shall not be too desperate to feel that a boyfriend is the only thing in the world. But it's different, boo!! Before you ever became mine, there was a huge gap in my heart and I had a lot of boys around just waiting to fill that gap. But somehow you managed to take their place. Must be your fat ass but I love it boo. And I dare say you're the only one I have at the moment. So despite my paranoia, I'm sure you'd understand how this man's laughing and crying at the same time whenever he talks with you.

It's so tiring, boo... yet rewarding. Thanks for being a good boyfriend for me.
First day.... oh god, think of years with you, boo!!!!!

xox

Heiny

My Next Step with Craig

Today marks the date of a step I've taken. I was talking to Craig when suddenly out of nowhere he asked me if I wanted to make our status official. The cool thing is I've never had a proper 'yes we're boyfriends' date in my life before. So, when he said that, I was happy. But I told him it was his call since outcomes may vary. There will be people who will worry for either one of us and won't let us go on. Like "you haven't even met him, hein... why?" He said he'd be ok. So I trust him and let him ask for the official status on facebook..

To my surprise, a lot of his friends didn't care and a lot of my friends were supportive. I guess I don't need any explanations since I wouldn't have to care about what others see but if any of you guys are interested to why I fell in love with someone who I haven't met, here's the explanation:

*drum rolls*
First of all, I'm attracted to Craig. I know he's a pretty boy but there's something about his smile that had always caught me. So, it's no surprise that I do have him on my radar.
Second, I move around a lot. Yes I am planning to settle down in Australia but according to jobs based on humanitarian fields, I might have to be going from place to place. Now, I asked Craig about the distance and he replied with 'I know how to book flights'. Now, I am not really expecting a rich boy with a G 5 G 5 BUT the thought was a good sign.
Third, he was brave enough to have cracked my walls and asked for something he wanted. Now, I've never seen any boys doing that for me..

So if I should ever have a two cents in this, he's not the lucky man here. I'm the lucky boy!!!!
So, regardless of reality, I'm in love with him and people can SUCK IT if they've got issues with the abnormality cos the norm is somewhat cliche and quite boring to the max :D

The Calm After The Storm

Yes, I am quite aware that this is not the final storm. I guess the whole holiday and seasonal celebratory spirit is setting me up in a calmer mood. Confident with a new love I've found (and by my way), contracted to a job for stability, a career that's waiting to be awoken and a PR to be waiting for, I feel like I have so much in my hands but the only solution is to not care about the consequences it might have on me regarding negativity. I hate pre-assumptions anyways. It's where you are two steps ahead of the future, not knowing what it actually is. So, I'm calmer than ever lately.

I still think about Craig. Must be a good sign eh? I'm sure my friends are all worried about me at this instant reading this. Is Hein falling for a wrong guy again? Is he going to get hurt? I guess they all know I've been keeping this love thing out of my hands for more than three years now and they also know the epic fail projects I've had when it comes to dating the wrong person thinking they're the ones. I guess, despite the shame and pain, it heads me to a better path in the right direction. Be whoever Craig is, I feel the need to let my feelings go and do accordingly to what it asks me to do and at the moment, it's asking me to think of him while I type. And of course when I think of him, I keep seeing this image in my head of two men in an airport, never met before and just seeing each other in the face in real flesh. That always comes up first whenever I think of him. Strong will? Fuck it, I'm the psychic.. I know shit hahahaha.

I still think about my career. Amidst the fake surroundings and people I'm normally scared of, people capable of changing what others see of me, I'd say fuck it. I mean.... life's too short to ever think of who's gonna do what to you and who's to avoid according to what others say. I was talking to one of my close friends (you know who you are) about how if I were to be judged, no one would want to be my friend. Of course, I have my side of the story and of course I think I did the right thing. For the wrong things that I agreed to as I've done, I've tried not to repeat the same mistakes but those that I've done nothing wrong but been misjudged for the opposite, I can't do anything about it but accept their judgements and just go 'ah well, c'est la vie.' So I try not to judge others as well according to what I hear about them. Of course, I'll have them in my head as a bit of a safety blanket but nothing other than that. So, behold fake industries, wanna fuck with my head? Wait til it fucks ya back!!!

I think about life as it is. Good job, good boss and a career pending. If I were to ever go back to Sydney, I guess I'll be giving up on these for something I want to do. So, if you look at my life, it's both a win win and a lose lose.

1. I go to Sydney sooner than expected. Win: Goal achieved, meet Craig. Lose: my job here and my career.
2. I stay here for some time before Sydney wants me back. Win: career focused and more experience in jobs Lose: depending on me and Craig, our patience and of course the lagging wait and utter wanting to get back home.

C'est la vie, people... c'est la vie.. This boy is ok with anything.. come what may, I'll handle it the best way as I know of.
My way.

The Hidden Truth

One would never know the limits of how much a person could risk, except when one gets himself into one that he cannot get of, does not want to get off and see no threat in doing so. Most of my friends call it 'stubborn'. Some call it 'stupidity'. Some even call it 'desperate'. I used to call it 'pathetic' and maybe that is the reason why I got myself involved in this act that I have never foreseen myself in.

Yes, I do a lot of online chats. It's tough to be a minority in a generation where most of us are not judged. You could never tell who is in which group. I am not stating 'homosexuality' as an obstacle but we all have to agree that it is in fact not a huge population, as compared to the 'straight people', which might be known as the 'norm'. However, technology and communications have made it possible for most gay men to somehow communicate with each other. Dating sites or a street for most of the clubs which cater both straight and gay people have somehow let us find each other.

I have been registered to four gay dating sites. Despite its evil name, it's not always for the sake of dates. I know it sounds totally desperate, especially when one is to judge, when someone says 'dating online' but I guess I have found my friends through there and they are nothing but beautiful normal people, who just have a craving to be with the same gender. In short, we're all normal. On a predictable scale, these sites have been used for different purposes. Some call it misuse, others call it oblivious. Some gave up on them while others keep using them or even start seeing them as for one purpose only.

Easy lay.

As much as we hate to admit it, it is so much easier for gay men to release tension sexually. Be it in a pub or through a website, it's convenience at its best. Not being sexist or discriminating but it is normal for men to have this behaviour, given most men take things lightly and not really care or care to think about consequences. Dignity, ego or integrity.... it seems as if ego defines the number of mugs of beer you could skull in one night as opposed to maintaining true love. I guess these are for some of them.

Some of us ends up being wandering dreamers. We wander around, searching for the truth behind the word 'love', the word which we all want to own or even use. Some defines it in their own ways. Others stick onto the true meaning. It's like the bible. It's passed onto a lot of people for different generations and cultures. Some made it adaptable to their surroundings while others decide to cling onto the real truth. What's the real truth? For now, it's just a source of evidence found on pages of bibles published ages ago. Since most of us love to categorize, certain things get divided. Like how Tibetian Buddhism differs from Burmese Buddhism, the word 'love', itself, has lost its meaning.

However, as I have mentioned, the wandering dreamers tend to stick it the old fashioned way. Love is about monogamy. Love is about finding something that will sweep you off your feet. Love is undefinable. Love is pure. But can we feel it?

I asked myself that everyday... As the kid of grandparents and parents who had fought and struggled for love (gramps married young and mom is still single even after ten years of dad's death), I have always wanted to feel like they did. I have wanted to own that substance called 'love'.

It seems to me, today, that love is what would cause the living cells in your body to move uncontrollably. When I talked to Craig online, I couldn't help but smile, smirk or even frown at certain things. I couldn't help hoping I could pinch his cheeks whenever he's being all dorky when it comes to spelling errors. I started to see nothing of anything that surrounds me. My focus point narrows and my mind is somewhat set upon serenity. But something that he questioned today made me think. "Why are we in love when we don't even know each other?"

My sudden reflex was my fingers typing "we're not scared". A few seconds later, I find myself thinking to myself and feeling a bit guilty for the lie I have made. My sudden response had failed to tell me that you, Hein, are in fact one scared to shits person at the moment. "Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone...".. I've always liked that song.. and now it's all making sense. It's not being alone for me but it's the fear. One who's scared can be cured by a security blanket called love, yet he fears for the time it's going to be swept away from him. It kinda made me feel better when Craig typed "I'm scared". We're both scared.

I'm 28, a young adult and despite the only one boyfriend I've found, I am confident about the way I feel and about what I want in life. I have always been brave in that department and I have learnt the hardest way in life to know what the real meaning to the word 'want' is.

I have never mastered the way to deal with love. I was never good at games. I was never a good boyfriend to my ex. Love was passed onto me like a gelatinous jell-o that blubbers on my hand. Leaking at its best and soft in texture, it's vulnerable and quite unperceptive in its behavior. Like a big china, it stayed on my hand with fragility at its best. I have lost my grip.

Be it security blanket, be it a big vase in my hands and be it an impossible phase, I still see 'love' as mysterious and as undefinable as it always has been. And I am glad that somehow I am feeling it once again with someone I am willing to risk it for and I cannot help thinking that love almighty is grand and precious because of its vagueness and mystery.

The Fear: What Goes Around Comes Around

It was the summer of '06 I believe, when I first met Jacopo. The first time I saw him was at a gay bar when I happened to be dancing with his best friend, Lucy. As always and out of something I am not able to control to stop myself from doing it, I thought of him as 'out of my league' person. I saw him shaggin a Korean boy, which made it worse for me to even think of him as someone I could get to know. It was later when we got introduced and then we started dancing and started kissing. The kiss wasn't one of those 'get drunk and pash around' types. It was real and I felt like I had to keep kissing him. I continued, I didn't stop.. he didn't stop either. Then, he came home with me. We pashed.. He hardly spoke good English but we talked about stuffs, until I found out he's only got three days left to leave for his own country. Questions raised in my head. Is this a one niter? Is this a used casual shag? Is this a holiday romance? I stopped thinking when he started to cry while we talked. He said he had fallen for me. Little did he know that I felt the same for him.

Back then, I wasn't jaded and I could accept that feeling at that very instant. I took him back to my bed and we were sleeping nude in my bed and we just kissed. We kissed on and on and on until it was actually 6am. We forgot to have sex. Not that it was needed but if I had been attracted to him just for the sake of sexual encounter, the pashing session would not have been that long. We slept for two hours. In the morning, I heard his voice behind me and noticed it wasn't a dream. Then, I got teary. I thought it was just my morning eyes. I didn't turn back, fearing he'd see my morning glory(the eye part) but I started to sniff. I cried. He turned me around and saw me crying. He said he will never lose his love in me. And I guess me neither.

I hung out with him as much as I could have and cried like there was no tomorrow when he left. We decided to keep in touch and be 'boyfriends' oversea. Now, the first part went well. I was youtubing him videos of me , writing songs for him, talking to the video cam as if he was on the other end. Things went dramatically cheesy, when he kept sniffing the shirt I gave him and he cried in Italy and I kinda kept looking at the bracelet he gave me and cried. It was somewhat drama, spelt out of my own choice.

One month passed and I had to make that decision. Things were getting impossibly weird. Long distance is not a thing I wanna do. It must've been easy for him since he said he can't fall for anyone in Italy. But, when I finally gave him a 'hey, let's get real and let's not go on as boyfriends', I've scarred him. He has learnt to forgive me and live on but we both know we love each other a lot.

Three years later, I find myself in his shoes. I have fallen for a guy who's in Australia. I know I don't have a thing for guys in Burma and I know I can stay onto him. But, the fear still exists for the day this person is going to lose that glow he has for me, like I lost my glow which I had for Jacopo.

Retributions play a major huge role in my life..... If I'm meant to suffer for this time round, I'll know that it's going to be something I'm getting for hurting Jacopo, who was to be one of the 'fish' in the sea, but was 'the one' at that time.

Sunday Evening with Thu Thu and Dick Fruit

After a 'supposedly rest' day at work on a sunday evening, I picked thu thu up and went and had pedicure. I love it how pedicures spoil the shit outta me and turn me into a little brat who never cuts his nails at home. Instead, I just hit the pedicure place once the nails have gone long. It was funny when I was talking to Thu Thu about the 'wall breaker (ref: the blog before this)'. Thanks to my supposedly in the closetness we had to change the subject to she. But since me and thu thu could chuck a convo no a scale of talking on top of each other, the wall breaker turned into a she, then a he and then a she. If the chicks in the salon who were working on our nails were only listening to what we were talking about, they would have no clue about who we were talking about and what we were talking about. Me and thu thu then went to the lake (the famous big fat lake in burma where couples gather). We ate fruits with masala(some chilli powder). The fruit is called gway thee (literally translated to dick fruit) and the tangerine. We took pics like stupid and we just checked out other couples while she finished her peanut and I finished my dick fruit. Ironic much??? It was fun. It's nice to have a friend you could do anything with and just laugh at each other on how stupid both could be. I know someone reading this is gonna be uber jealous. hehehe serves you right for not coming back :P

The Walls, He Broke

As a kid, I grew up with Connie Francis's songs, which I blame it on my grandmom and her lullabies. One of her songs called "Stupid Cupid" went like "I wanna clip your wings so you can't fly".. bla bla bla.. about how she got struck in the heart by a cupid and now she's helplessly in love. I used to chuck a pfft on that song but now I think I'm singing that song in my head.

But.. I don't really wanna clip their wings since I hate lack of freedom issues. But I would love to ask them to get a fucking GPS. Why? Cos they did strike my heart with someone BUT that someone is not near me. He's far away in la la land and the only thing I could do is 'try' to get to him as fast as I can.

Now, I know how stupid it is or how ridiculous you readers are feeling about someone who is falling for someone via the internet. I mean online datesites are mostly for losers who can't chuck a personality in real life or just loners who don't dare to go for anyone in real life. But THEN again, internet IS a source of communication and I guess such thing is possible, yet difficult.

I am so ashamed of this feeling I have at the moment to the point I don't wanna talk about it with my friends but I am falling knee deep with this boy and all I ever think of is him. What's worse? (well, more like what's better)He feels the same way too. I don't really know how to react to this and all the walls I have been building in the past to better myself as someone sane or just reasonably normal seem to have crushed down.

He's broken down my walls
but the question here is

is it worth it???

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

First of all, I'm sorry I have stopped believing in you since I was six when my granddad put some yo-yo's on my bed around midnight, not even dressed as funky as you though I kinda think the red dress is a bit gay for a bearded man. I guess the reason I am writing to you now is .. well, I don't know I can't think of one to be honest. Maybe cos my dad's not here or maybe cos I need some assurance of hope to lurk around the radius of a centimeter from my existence. If you ever do exist, you gotta be honored though since I am a good Buddhist, though I don't see Buddhism as a religion anyways.

So, first thing first, I don't know how you link your being with life? Sometimes it makes me wonder if you're just a random old man who just pops up once a year in every kids' imagination but it somehow tickles my curiosity how your whole 'be good and I will give you gifts" routine resembles karma. I mean, does this mean that if I have been good this year, I'd get what I'd ask for?

So, life has been pretty hardcore for me this year. I've felt pain, joy, relief, sorrow, confusion or anything that spells out anyone's emotions in this big world, you name it, I've felt it. I've even got a chance to learn Buddhism. The teaching says that life existence as us human beings is not a good thing. Now, that's pretty awesome because come to look at it, I have felt pain and anger in my life all because of greed or good temporary highs that happens to me. I was angry when I had to leave Sydney because I love my friends in Sydney. I was angry when I couldn't apply for jobs, cos I love work. So, it's love after all. So, I said to myself that it's no use being so sad and angry or scared over the fact that I, as a human being, exist on this planet for this life. Why? Cos emotions come and go and I guess I have to live with it.

Bottom line is the fact that I see that routine of mine as a good thing, which means I have been good this year. Wanna know more? I've also been good to myself and that's something I have never done since I was born. Proud much, Santa?

It has been a good year and now I should stop babbling and get to ask you what I want in life... it's your decision to grant me which one of these you could with your ability. Not asking for much and it's not the quantity that matters, just the fact that it's there for me would be good enough. So, these are what I wanna do and please let me have a go at them if you think I've been a good boy.

1. I want someone to love again. Not just simple love. Someone I could get angry with if that someone shows up late for dates. I want to feel jealous that every guy in the bar is checking my someone out and I want to have to go home sad and then be reliefed when that someone makes sure that I'm the one that someone wants. I want to be able to feel worried if someone don't call me by phone. It's the game of love at its best. Anger, anxiety, greed and jealousy always followed by fulfilment with the right person at the right time.

2. I want to be able to give for once as opposed to taking. I believe I've done a fair share of givings in my life but that never could be compared to what others have given me. So, I guess I want to be able to keep giving what I could when I could and where I could.

3. I want settlement and a place where I could call 'home'. Yeah it's true I have my grandparents with me and I'll alwyas love them and I'll see that house as my home but this dawg is a hustler now, santa. I've been in the streets for damn too long. I've gotta get me some home I could paint anything on the wall to and just have my own ikea items.

4. Last but not least, I want forgiveness... to all those I have offended unintentionally. It's never in my nature to offend but as you all know, I'm only human to be given chances to learn for every mistakes I make. I'm sure there'll be more coming my way and I can't wait to be able to learn from them.. but for those I've learnt from and to those who I've unintentionally hurt, I want nothing but an understanding that I'm cool with them and my desire was never there if anything would lead to cause a negative swerve.

That's all for me this year, Santa. I'm sorry I've stopped writing to ya for "Oh god don't make me count. I've been working on excel files for too long a day"... I guess there'll always a Hein in me where I believe in you and I guess according to what Oprah said about the Universe, that what you believe would come true if you believe it to be true. I'll think of ya on xmas day just to prove that I did in fact miss ya and hope I'll see ya this year and if not, you'll get another letter from me next year.

Thanks Santa,

Hein

P.S. Sorry for telling my friends in forth grade about how your big beer belly would never fit small chimneys. I did get what I've paid for. Got detention in class by my Filo teacher for laughing out loud in the middle of a class. Hope that makes us cool now? :)

Pre Emptive Much?

Today is the 14th consecutive day of work and I feel quite fine to be honest.

I hate pre emptive strikes. I hate it even more when words get in the way of assumptions. Who says what? What's gonna be said when? What would be said to who and how it would be said and why would one say when? I mean, who cares??? As a Buddhist, we are only trained to think of the 'present' and not the past nor the future. Plus, thinking of what could happen in certain conditions just show how insecure you are.

Now, music industry is a love and hate thing for me. Why? Well, mostly because people are fake but at the same time so fun to fuck around with and I am not talking about the sexual matters. It's all based on what one think and how one see you in that industry. It's a pain in the ass if you take whatever they say into your head and I've learnt that the hardest way.

My grandma was a manager of mine. Then, she kinda got this nephew-like friend, who's a real champ actually, to semi-manage me these days. It was cos of him that I got this chance to be able to be in this complilation album with other singers with one of my songs. I hate talking about money and I hate it more when I have to be the one to kinda decide.

My grandparents still see this need to make sure I'm in the right when it's them who are assuming the most negative things out of something that hasn't happened. Bottomline: For some money reason that I don't want to write about on blogs, my grandma pissed the nephew-dude off. This was not because of her but because of what was told to me by the music producer. So, the music producer told me something that my grandma was 'supposedly' ok with but she had to go tell the nephew about it which pissed him off since that wasn't the way he planned. And now, they're so paranoid and asking me to call both of them 24 hours a day just so I won't piss them off.

Well, they would be pissed off already.. not because of me but because of their anxiety. It's like WTF++

The Nod

Good friends are those who you could pick up where you left off......

So, it's true I have been going on and on about how some of my friends are good or bad, awesome or horrible, comparing them to the worse ones or better ones. But I hardly tried to find out what I'm worth in the 'friendship' department. Am I a good friend? bad friend? fair weathered friend? foul friend? fake friend?

Now, I was angry at Steve for ridiculously and very casually and easily dropping me off his friends' list. Ok, so I guess I was a bad friend to him. I was angry at him for two weeks but after that, I got gobbled up with workfriends or just work in general. But come to think of it, I hardly have any friends here. Not that it's an issue but despite the fact that Steve has been an asshole to me, I guess it's far more important that I'm nice to him. Well, sincerely, of course.

Coming outta work on a Saturday evening, I hooked up with KP and his wife, one of the most normal things for me to do two months ago, and it was nice to see them and their kid again. Then, I asked him if Steve was coming. We called him and finally we joined Steve and Joel at Summit Parkview for some pool playing.

It was just like before, almost like nothing happened between us. I grabbed him aside and asked 'So dude, we all cool?'. He nodded. It was the nod I got ten years ago when I asked him 'wanna come hang with us?' on the first day he and I became friends.

I don't see this as a 'omg i'm gonna cry' reunion.. it's more of a mature way things need to be done between two good friends.

The Proud Chameleon

Someone asked me once why I get along with everyone. This was not a question of 'omg you have so many friends'. It was more like 'you don't take sides'. First of all, of course I do take sides but I just don't find the need to explain how stupid the other side could be, given I know a lot about stubbornness and ego.

So, I guess the question was more about adapting. I like adapting myself to things. I told that someone that I like to stay as ok as I could with anyone. I like to see what they think of me and act accordingly to their views. So, that kinda states that I live accordingly to what others say.

Now, maybe it's because of this newfound confidence with my job and all, but I see it more because of the fact that I've been totally on my own two feet for six months, I kinda felt like I should have my own personal favorite shit. I seem to give in easily to what others please. And come to think of it, we're born alone and it's ok to be different.

This has nothing to do with being good or bad or seeing good or bad. It's more of having a unique 'you'ness I guess. Yes, it's true I can be unique at times but I just think it's about time to actually have an opinion about things and accept what others think as 'not mine' instead of 'ahh i can see your point i think that too'.

So, I guess I can still adapt but I'll stay strong to my opinions... like I shouldn't be ashamed of watching Teletubbies at 19. Yes, I've said it.... now go tell the whole world... hahaha

Unavoidable Limits

If there's one thing that I'm not proud of as a characteristics of my personality, it's 'jealousy'. It's mainly because I cannot control it and it's so unavoidable and denial just rises uncontrollably as well, as part of the whole 'no I'm not jealous', which gets worsened to the stage where you go 'no I should NOT be jealous at this but I am'.

It's even worse when you're jealous about an object that you don't own or even know. CDG and I were talking on facebook and then he started telling me about dating this guy and ended up pashing and shit. It went all ok, until it turned out to be one of my acquaintances of Oxford st.

1. I was not jealous. WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? It affected the way I talk to him. Me, knowing this acquaintance (let's call him the socialite) is more of a social whore and a huge champagne and demure wannabe, gets a bit frustrated at the level that CDG is bringing himself to. I mean.... of all the people.. it HAD to be socialite!!!

2. I should not be jealous.. DAMN FUCKEN RIGHT. cos I have not even met CDG and I don't even know him, let alone own him, and even if I DID own him, according to my theory on 'relationships'(be it flirt or boyfriends), I should NOT be bothered.

3. Did I just judge? Hell yeah.. I mean.. Socialite might be a nice guy but just because I do not live his lifestyle does not mean he's a bad person. Yes, it's true he comes out as this prada filled boy(though he's never talked about prada) who just likes to hang around with friends (and I mean lots of friends) and just kept being self absorbed.

4. Am I seeing myself in another person?? It takes one to know one and I'm hating this more cos he turned out to be EXACTLY what I am. Ambitious, friendly, fashion sense high and just good presentable person. I just feel like I have a competition, when realistically, I have nada...

So, I was rummaging through facebook statuses and I was telling CDG on about how good socialite is (not exaggerated though I did tell him that he is JUST my acquaintance). But, I did tell CDG not to tell him that he knows me cos like.. I do not wanna get myself involved in some poof-group (nothing wrong with it), a group where these gay boys hang out and just talk crap and exist all the time in gay bars or just some socializing martini flavored pubs. Now, I don't know what that effect did, since there was no intention in that phrase. I was just explaining my relationship with socialite.. But somehow, I checked socialite's status and it said somtething along the lines of 'act with it or just lose out'. I don't know what's happening but that kinda made me smile, where I just assume that maybe CDG called off their next meet out at a party....

Now, I didn't like the fact that I was happy to see this status cos seriously.. I KNOW that feeling. Like, are you interested in me or what? So, my jealousy and 'likage' over CDG reigned the fact that I could put myself in socialite's shoes..

Oh god, am I actually interested in CDG?? I mean, we're both bottoms and I haven't even met him!!
Urghh, funny how chatting can build up something between two strangers!!!!!

I'm not happy that I'm jealous.. I shouldn't be... urgh!

With A Little Help from my Porn

Sadly and funnily but true, I noticed yesternight that I was pissed off with my grandparents ONLY because of porno films. Well, I guess one thing does lead to another. It started off when I was really horny one day and I just had to watch porno and even though my granddad does not mind me watching porno with him in the room, I still feel a tad uncomfortable. Then, I offered to go sleep upstairs, to which my granddad said 'no please don't'. So, I ended up having to wait til they both sleep to watch porno on mute.

Yesterday, I went to this dude, who was playing guitar for this compilation album that I was asked to be in. Guitarman!! So, I went to him and it turned out that he was the 'producer' of the album and we talked about money and contract. Somehow, through lose communications, we ended up having a huge misunderstanding. Ok, so I have this manager who linked me up with Guitarman. Manager is like a family member to us and that was the only reason why my grandmom actually doesn't care or mind of him being my next manager, given she's getting older. So, Guitarman kinda offered us a weird contract that Manager would not have offered. Manager wasn't there and since Guitarman said this was supposed to be what others did, I asked my gramps and we all agreed to it.

Then, we called Manager and he got real mad!!! He was really angry that Guitarman was trying to rip us off via him. But, I can't afford to have bad names here and this would be a good comeback for me be it a rip off or whatnot. So, we did ask Manager to calm down and that we were all ok with it.

Now, after that convo, it kinda brought me together with my gramps once again, since our conversation was quite unavoidable. Then, it was time for porno and since my granddad is a writer and he's on his deadline trying to finish off a book, he HAD to stay in his room, to which I was quite disappointed at only cos I would lack privacy. Then, I took my DVD machine upstairs. He said "why would you go up". Then I said "I'm trying to make things better. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed but I just wanna watch porno on my own.". Now, to this, he smiled.

So, I guess, as porno films could tear my gramps and me apart, it could also bring us back together!

Patch of Grass

When I was still in uni in Sydney, I was given this assignment and I hate assignments, especially those from the IT department. I kinda spent like three days and nights on it, living and breathing on bottles of V and KFCs. After the work is done, I wanted to go out but I just lazily went to the lobby floor of my apartment. I came out of the building and saw this spot on the grass lawn. Tempted out of nowhere, I lied on that spot and my eyes cringed from the evil sun. I saw clouds floating and I started to shape them as they drift slowly. Three headed dwarves, unicorn, a headless princess... I saw them all. Then, I felt tears running down my cheeks. I blamed it on the evil sun but it was the moment when I started to sniff, that I know I was crying. I cried cos I was happy.

Now, I am at the 'going down the apartment stairs' in life. I know I'll get out of this. I know there'll be a reason for me to lie down on this new patch of grass with more clouds to shape in my head and of course, cry with joy. But this time around I'll smile as soon as I can feel the tears down my cheeks... cos... I'll know then that I am happy.

Wanting, Needing, Unfulfilled

It's so hard to be correct. It's even harder when you different levels of correctness.
Now, I DO love working with the humanitarian workgroup but someone was telling me whether it's worth it or not. Ok, I totally still believe it's worth it and it's caused a lot of changes. When it comes to emergency stage, that's where things start to become a hassle and people get infos and you have all these epic fail results about how fucked the area has become. And since we deal with cyclone, the result was one ugly motherfucker. It's the whole fucked up ness in affected areas. Now, after emergency we have the recovery part.

That's where we come in. We try to take surveys to make sure which area's left to help out. Yes, we do understand it takes time but at times, we do encounter data that does NOT make sense. And this is not the case of the people who are doing the survey. Sadly, it's the case of those in need. Now, there would be some rich people in the areas but still they would ask for more than the poor does. I mean, the justification does not exist. It just got me thinking about how humanitarian can actually fulfill any needs.

In my opninion, the answer is NO.

It's a yes to some certain expectations. But it's a no, NOT because we suck but it's because people would keep wanting more than they're given. It's sad cos the people who are helping to make things happen actually care about their beings and with their exaggerated details, it's hard to tell whether the recovery's been going well or not at some stage in those affected areas. So, making things clear again, do not feel surprised when someone say a humanitarian job is never done and do NOT blame the humanitarian group. I'm not asking any of you to blame the affectees either, since to be honest, they do have feelings and they've felt the need to live up to what they've lost. I can understand that perfectly. But please do not go thinking that the humanitarian groups are not doing a good job because it's true, sadly, that nothing can go back to normal, no matter how hard you try because sometimes people want too much of something to the point they forget the threshold of what they need.

Same thing goes for the city as well. My country. People whinge about shit and say shit about the management of the country. Now, lemme ask you this. Would you have done it better? Plus, isn't it time you move your ass and do something useful as opposed to sitting there and fighting for something that's not even your business. If you love your country, be nice to it. Don't cause war! Seriously, people should look at themselves before they go on rampage about blaming others. I am saying anyone's right here but I really hate it when people come up to me and say "O you're so lucky you've been abroad". Well, fuck you! I lived like a dog in Sydney and I lived like a king in Burma! The only reason that I wanna go back to Sydney is because I don't wanna hang around with loser lazy whingers like you guys around.

I love my country but people should shut up and just work!!!

Not A Xmas Boy

So, call it luck or whatever but it seems like I get more intimate only with people from far away. I don't know what's been happening to me but CDG has been totally close to me and now I've got 31. Yes, he's 31, which makes him only three years older than me. Pathetically I met him through AYI, but after two chats, he started saying 'I like you a lot'. Now, I know how cheesy it sounds, yet cheesier to feel affected by it. But, there's something about his honesty and courage that kinda got my attention. I don't know.. it kinda makes me wonder also if I'm more attracted in a 'dating website' way. You know, how they always seem to be so much better online but sucks like total retard as soon as they meet up in reality. Well, I'm loud and there's no way I could qualify as an introvert.

So, work has been CRAZY. I'm at work now at 7:20pm on a Saturday. I'm so sure our workgroup would be the ace provider for the long living life of post-its since I've been using so much of them I keep needing more everytime I finish off a pack. It's almost like me and cigarettes when I was like 20. To be honest, I do love work. Work makes me happy and work keeps me busy. And when I don't work, I work on my songs and now that I got myself involved in some freelance translating part time job, I'm gonna be worked out. At the same time, it's being busy and getting money at the same time.

I saw this christmas film last night and as any christmas flicks would go, it all ended up warm and fuzzy. That kinda made me a bit sad. Cos back in Sydney, I never got to celebrate xmas with my loved ones. Even my best friend Ali is busy with her parents. So was Jen, my other best friend and of course Alex, with their Jewish family. And even Zhe's got his priorities set. So I would end up getting drunk in Stonewall.

It came to a point that last xmas, I was drunk at Stonewall that the security guard had to wake me up and asked me to leave. It was even funnier when my fuckbuddy, Nick, came by and joked that he's slept with a Burmese guy before. I didn't recall this but he told me back the next day. Apparently, I asked him how it was. He was like 'it was good' and I said 'he must be pretty good in bed' or somewhere along that line. I didn't remember ANY OF this. Then, I went out of stonewall and I was followed by this British accented guy. We talked. He was like "I didn't know why they kicked you out." and I said "me neither". Then we ended up going into pleasure chest, me not knowing where the fuck we were and he not knowing where the fuck I was leading him to. I went to one of the rooms, slid two dollars in and the porn got on. We started making out, then he got down on me and I kinda crept down only to realize that we have chosen the room at the end of the pleasure chest, which was a glory holed room. I only found that out while I was sliding down to kiss him while he was going down on me. I felt a hole with my right hand and when we peeped out, there were people lining up. We went off, laughed and the next morning, I ended up with a ten digits for his number instead of nine. FML!!!

So, that was my xmas last year. I've always wanted a family dinner for xmas. No matter how much I don't wanna be around my grandparents much, I love family dinners. Ah well, given mom and sis are not around, my xmas this year's gonna suck ass!!! Hmm.. life's a bit tough lately!!

Justification

It has come to the point that I can't bare to live at home. Why? Cos everywhere I walk, they followed. Everytime we talk, they talk about if I have given my CVs out. Everytime I go quiet just to avoid these conversations, they think I'm pissed off with them. So, it feels like I cannot do anything at all. Now, this makes me go out a lot and since my only friends are from UN and some NGO's, I end up going to 50 street pub, which is quite homey but it gets boring after a while. And it doesn't help that I'm trying to quit smoking/drinking, which has not even started yet. On the other hand, I feel quite down lately.

Today, at work, the two experts I used to manage were a bit down. It was all because they felt like they were doing a lot of work but yet they do not feel like they get paid enough. The ugly truth prevails and I have to admit, I agree with them BUT at the same time, there's nothing anyone can do. It's true international staffs get more than us cos if they don't, they would've never showed up here in this place. And because of legislations and some work policies, most of us do not really get what we paid for. If I had to count back the things I've done at this work, I stayed up til 9pm or 10pm and I would work weekends when/if I had to. I think I deserve more but I never asked just because I would be useless and I would feel bored if it wasn't for work. I have transformed into this one big ball of workaholic. So, after I talked to them and was a listener for quite some minute, I asked myself if I should feel the same way as them... after several minutes, I'd say no. Now, my contract is gonna continue until the end of February. Moby and Exboss are doing their best to support my contract stay...

This morning, after talking to CDG(the dude in aussieland), I felt sad. I think it was just an accumulation of the whole stress and anger with my grandparents. I know that he and I are both bottoms but I do have so much interest in this guy and we've been flirting heavier than ever. The Maple leaf turned out so weird. We were talking fine last night but at the end of the night, we lost way and we kinda had our own crowd of people. I left the bar, he left after I did but I was loitering around outside and just as I was about to bid farewell, he totally was on his own elements and he totally ignored me. I knew it was NOT intentional but for someone who was claimed to have interest in me, he didn't do enough to live that up. And this was after he talked with me and I'm pretty sure I do NOT sound that intimidating nor annoying. So, off with Maple leaf. But with this bottomboy who I have not even met, it got me to thinking why on earth do I click with bottom boys more.

Now, that made me think about any possible relationships between two bottoms. Is this doable. I asked my excrush about this. I asked her if sex plays the most important role in a relationship. She said that a relationship that is built upon sex is not healthy but normal BUT the sex that is built on a relationship is awesome. Which is quite true!!! But, I may sound like a loser.. despite my horniness, I DO NOT really prefer sex. Yes, I do it a lot of times. But it's more of an ego boost. I'm fine right now after six months without sex. I guess I just want closure and snuggles or just spooning or being spooned. This explains why I could spend 8 hours with Jacopo without sex but just kissing and when the clock hit 6am, we noticed we didn't get to have sex. I loved that guy!!!

So, I guess I am one of those weirdos who should be kept in a box. It's true you get to be the leader of your own kind and it's true you have your fair share of being awesome and the spotlight but when the show's over, you're the only one left around. So, to me, being unique can be quite lonely. But my excrush cheered me up and she said she appreciates my uniqueness and when I said 'no one could understand me', she said 'I do like you for the heinypoo that you are ' and she said 'it's closer than you think. I am always there for you'.. you know, being a softy and all that, shit like these made me smile...

So, I had a mixed day

I might not get paid for the amount of contribution I gave
I might not get loved for the amount of priorities I could adapt to
I might not have friends at the moment while socializing...

but come to think of it..

Has anyone of us ever been justified?????

Here's Where I stand

So, now that November's gone, I start to panic a bit though I am a bit excited. It's just weird but I do believe something's gonna happen this month. Maybe it was the fortune teller that caused me to be this way but at the same time, I guess I am just hopeful. Being a big fan of the 'universe' shananigans, I am quite positive about things.

December's a month of being on my own again. It's like life in Sydney but with my grandparents and of course no friend and no gay pubs. It's hard living with my grandparents since they still treat me like a five years old and everything I do cause so much to the point where I can't even stay without moving since they think I'm being sick or angry at them.

On the other hand, now that my sis is free and living away from her husband, I'm happy about it though I did get threatened from her husband that I will get killed, which I do not believe so. But at the same time, I have to be properly kept safe just to make sure I don't worry my grandparents too much. But then again, them nudging about me having applied for jobs or not is yet another issue I have to face each and everytime I come back from work tired.

I miss my mom and sis.
But I'm just glad I'm just working with a real job and on my fifth album.. and also I got asked for a song in a compilation cd. So, with those things in mind, I'm sure I'll stay sane for yet another month without my freedom in sydney. :)