The Departure of a Good Man outta my life

Finally, I've managed to squeeze it outta Ben. I JUST need to know it you see. We talked. He didn't know what he wants in life. I guess I do? Not really.. but I know well enough to know the value of keeping someone I like. But it's ok. Like I said, dating does not come with a guarantee. Plus, I REALLY REALLY respect his decision. Now that I know, he's left a hole in my heart but then again, I'm very satisfied with the fact that I know why and that he's told me right in my ears. Don't get me wrong people, Ben Hedgehog is a good man. But sometimes things just don't work.. isn't that just normal, you'd ask? Hell yeah it is

That's why I look forward to a brand new start.....

All Good Things Come To An End

Today might have the worst day of my life since here I am trying to study and everything but I end up spending one and a half hours reading the text book and I fell asleep.

The best part is the fact that I've started doing grocery shopping again and I'm now at Ali's place since staying in my room's gonna fuck me up.

The worst thing is the fact that I messaged hedgehog and it was all good til I asked him to hang out with me after my exams, to which he didn't respond. So I sent him the longest message asking him if he wanted me to stop or go on cos I'd be more than happy to be ok with it if he wants to stop. It's fine I'm not a big fan of doing things that others are not mutually in agreement to doing. But it pisses me off when I'm not informed. So I sent this longest message that I've ever written to anyone saying I still believe that he's a nice guy and I would not change my judgement on him but I just wanna know if I should go on or stop. I guess him not replying back to it means that I have to stop. It's cool I guess. But I flipped two hours later. I was just so upset I went to gaydar and deleted all my pics there and on manhunt too. I erased every pics of me and I put blanks in my profile info. Of course, just like a little princess that I've always been, I cried. I cried and smoked in the park next to alison road.

It was all good when Ali came and picked me up and we went to KFC and for some reason, this cute NZ guy at the counter(a customer) randomly talked to me. He was so cute and it was really good conversing with a cute stranger who was half drunk and who likes hot chips. Ali thinks he's REALLY drunk. He just kept telling me how he likes his hot cheps... and how he wants them real hot.. hot cheps that hot cheps this.. all I wished was for him not to shut up cos he's cute with his little NZ accent and his cheeky smile. It was good...

On the other hand, Kyle from the gym cafe discounted 95 cents off this ham sandwich and the funny thing was when the old Greek guy was serving me not knowing I had bought ham from Kyle an hour before. He was like 'Guess who's here'. And Kyle and I gave each other weird looks going 'umm duh we've met already'. It was cute and awkward since it seemed like the Greek guy was trying to set us up or Kyle must've said some things about me to him. It's fuckin obvious that I've been perving slash flirting with him ever since I started to decide on taking coffee drinks everytime I go to gym. On my way out, I saw Kyle in his little princess throne folding paper and I told him not to bludge. Miss Thang was all 'WHAT I'M FOLDING PAPERS' bla bla bla.. he's cute but I'm guessing he's got a bf and he must've gone to Bali with him.

I'm just glad I let go of this trip I was in.. web-dating services. I'm sure I'm worth better. This is yet another thing I never thought I could've done. I guess it hurts a lot when the pain inside of me acumulates to a certain degree..

By all means, all thanx goes to Ben and every men who's hurt me..
cos if they didn't, I would've never had the chance to burn and learn from it :)

Music: Michelle Branch - Something To Sleep To

Mood: renewed

Catching Hope

LB finally picked up the phone yay. Well, I found out today that Mama Mills is kinda cool with her bf again, which is pretty cool to hear but on the other hand, my hopes of living with her with LB and Luke and me in a townhouse is kinda drifting away. Given that LB is still not really into the moving by the way he sounded today, I think it's gonna end up being me and Babylet. Ah well, it's not that that bad.. I"m just glad Mama Mills is ok. Plus, I like Tio a lot lately and it'd be a shame to see them apart.

Today was the most 'well spent' day of my life I guess. First of all, I went to gym and met up with Nessyboo for lunch. It was kinda short and abrupt since she had to meet Sam G at 2pm and I had to meet Jess M at 2pm. But it was just good to see her again since I haven't seen her in ages.

Hanging with Jess was surprisingly cool. Not that I never thought it would NOT be cool but we seem to have a lot to talk about and I like the fact that our convo had no boundaries and the convo bounced from each other and there was always something we both have to have a say in every topic anyone of us could come up with. We got bored sitting down at Webster building and finally we went off to Oxford St for a coffee. It was really nice and I REALLY enjoyed conversing with her. It is quite surprising since I have NO IDEA how we became this close but I really dig talking with her and it was just nice to chillax and just talk our minds off.

Meeting with Alexi had always been a good prediction. Like, I know it's gonna be worth meeting up with him. He talks like my grandparents but kinda stay levelled with me while talking about my life/issues. I think it's good to have someone who's older and much wiser than me who's not afraid to share his mistakes and not afraid to tell me what's right and wrong. I told him about Ben and all that and I guess he's got a point when he said 'Can you start focusing on yourself first?'. SO TRUE. I really enjoyed our chat over ciggies and coffee.

I guess when it all sums up to one thing, it's all about me. I guess I just have to learn to love myself and take care of myself despite how much I really would love to be 'the one' for Ben or just be cool with my friends. I guess I deserve to be treated the best by me and not by anyone else. I think I've always found pleasing others or just making others happy is a way to make myself better. But then again, how perfect am I to be the preacher and doer of others' lives. NO matter how good I am to people, once someone points out 'hey hein how's ur life', wouldn't it be stupid if I go 'oh dang I forgot to fix it since I've been so occupied with others that I've been trying to please. My grandma was right. I have this inner desire to please others. It used to be with what I've got back in Burma. Cars, money, company or just an ear. IN Australia, it sums up to me pleasing others. I think when you're in the weakest position you DO find charity work for others quite admirable from my part. I've been telling off Ness to STOP pleasing others and surround herself with happy people. Now, I think that should be said to me. Since I REALLY need to make myself worth it and to move on and aim for the best. I'm still gonna please people since it's my inner strength and what I'm good at. But at the same time, it's about time I remodel and fix this machine called 'HEIN'.....

Music: Ash - Shining Light

Mood: brave

Healing

Healing takes a bit of time. It's not like I'm totally hurt but I think it's wounded a part of me, whichever that happened. It wasn't even that big and it's all in my head but somehow just cos of the way my emotions function, I was wounded and still kinda semi wounded. Everyday I think of ways to heal myself, make myself better and to actually not to feel lost. Running from the rocket bomb hurts my legs but I guess I'm trying to stop my feet from getting sore to be able to keep running.

I talked to Kieran about the way I am now. Kieran and I dated not long ago for a month. He dumped me without any reason which was fair but at least he was honest about it. I told him everything and he came up with the theory that most of us came up with. The ball's in his court hein.. just wait. The thing is.. Kieran knows how to be honest despite the fact that he can be a cheeky little polite lawyer at times. He said if he doesn't message, it means he's not interested. And I asked him if messaging him when we were going out was one of the factors that our relationship didn't work. He said he doesn't recall being freaked out by me messaging a lot. I kinda smiled at that. I like the fact that he, at least, appreciated my messaging him.

I know it kills to tell someone who has rejected you not long ago about how you think you MIGHT be getting rejected again. It's a bit of a shame if you ask me and deep inside, I feel a bit ashamed I had to ask Kieran what he thought about me and Ben. But at the same time, knowing Kieran's a really good friend of mine now and proving it right, I opened up to him and finally admit to him that I'm as weak as anyone is and that I'm actually very lost.

He said he knows the feeling and he's sad that I'm sad.

Little words like those... it does heal you slowly in the process

Music: The Corrs - Heart Like A Wheel

Mood: cared for

The Death Card

I was feeling down last week and my grandma went to some tarot cards reader and checked me out. She knows what her grandson likes. No matter how skeptical or real I can be, when it comes to crystal balls and tarot cards, I believe in them. I used to read tarot cards myself. So, she told me she's got the death card for me. So, Death.. is that scary?

Well, David once told me that death is the loss of things but yet a new beginning as well cos DUH, when someone dies, they reincarnate or a new life starts or in other religions, they change into new forms (spirits and souls and all that).

This morning was the beginning of my death card. The weekend was a big change for me as well. First of all, I went to the visa office to extend my visa. Apparently, you are allowed to renew your visa (after it's been expired) not more than 28 days after the expiry date. Mine was 27 days past the expiry date. So, I was REALLY lucky and it kinda got to me that I should do things early next time. 450 bucks spent on the visa and I was kinda happy that I am at least under a legal bridging visa at the moment. If I had waited one day or two, I would be refused to stay here in Australia.

Now let's go to Ben. My heart kinda still aches thinking about him but I've grown stronger each and every minute that I spent without him and it's strong enough to NOT dial his number. If it's meant to happen, he'll call me. In the meantime, I'm single and I'm a bit annoyed. However, my heart aches not for him.. it just aches at the fact that a lot of people in the world today are so afraid of love. It's quite ugly and people are starting to realize how easy intimacy or losing privacy can be SO MUCH to the point that they have forgotten about what love is. I am not saying people should NOT have sex or go around easy but they should just differentiate sex with love. I just want people to take "LOVE" as heavily as they can and be more open to what/how they feel as opposed to calculating about the future and fearing about the past. So, yes... this boy's got a serious case of heartache this morning.. lol

After my visa shit, I went to Market City and I went to Dotti just to check on Mama Mills. There she was and as soon as she saw me, she hugged me and didn't let me go. When she did, I could see her crying and I knew something was up. I am gonna leave this part of the blog and I would not talk about what happened but all I know is Mama Mills, LB, Luke and I are gonna be finding a house to live in soon. LB, Mama Mills and I have always talked about it. Sadly, Mama Mills is gonna be single soon too and I have to say despite the fact that I REALLY hate that she's in this state that she's in at the moment, I was happy that we're gonna be living together really soon. We had lunch and I tied a knot with a grass strand using my tongue and gave it to her to cheer her up, which was kinda eww but she was amused. At least , that kinda semi changed our mood and we talked about this imaginary future new house we're gonna be in. We're both deadly excited. Now, we have to wait for LB and Luke to agree on staying with us.

So every wounds heal and scars are there to remind us of how we went through this and every burn mark tells us not to make the same mistake again. It leads to a new beginning with a fresh new start.

Every heart we managed to mend stays more aware and awake than ever.

Every words that your friends say speak the loudest when you're in life's most worst quicksand era.

Every past reminds us that we all do have hope for everything that had happened to us in the past for a better future.

Every minute that I think of Ben doesn't really make me wanna cry anymore. Instead, it makes me realize what good of a man he is and how I have enjoyed time together with him as much as I could've had and as much as I am allowed to :)

It's about time I get outta my cave for a scent of fresh air.

I am still on the field with that rocket bomb behind me but god damn it, I'm smiling like I have never before. God bless y'all!!!!

Music: Luis Fonsi featuring MJ - Ne Me Doy Por Vencido (remix)

Mood: fresh

To Whom Should Love Be Owned ( I Feel For You )

Did he leave some signs when you walked away
Did she look back at you when you left that day
Did he smile when you tell him how you felt deep inside
Did she hold her breath when she kissed when you both said goodbye

Did he hold your hands like he won't let you go
Did she talk like she's wanted to be heard before
Did he smile at you when you steal a look at his eyes
Did she tell you that she likes it when you speak your mind

To all who's waiting just aimlessly for what's about to be
we don't know.... but we still hold on
To all who's dying to know what's in store for what your others hold
I feel for you... I feel it too
Here's to those who lives for love
to whom should love is owned

It's just life's elimination
of who means what for someone
no matter how someone could try to be just fine
life don't work for no one
but fate defines your answer
but who are we to know just what the answer beholds

Saturday Story

You're in this field of nowhere. Nothing surrounds you and there's no one around you. You're looking around helplessly and you heard a sound. You look back and you see this huge ass rocket bomb heading your way. The radius of the thickness of the rocket bomb is the size of the field. You can't run sideways and even if you run forward, the speed of the rocket bomb is faster than you. So, what do you do? Well, in this case, what did I do? I ran knowing it's no use running away from the rocket bomb which is about to head my way.

I felt like shit on Saturday. It was a new way of dealing with things not to be yourself and stop yourself from doing things. People say 'be yourself' but I guess there are things we undertake to blend in with the majority the society kinda agrees on. It's like manners. I was taught to do the 'right' things as a kid and I have done it. So, why can't I do this? As I thought about it, I decided that I won't contact Ben til he contacts me. It's a normal thing most of us do but knowing that the ball is in his court, calling him/messaging him is not the way I'm gonna deal with this.

After work, Mama Mills asked me if I wanted to come over to her place. I ditched both Jess and Leah telling them the truth though. I told both of them that I felt really shitty, which was true. Mills has these two rabbits, who incredibly were friendly towards me and this kinda surprised Mills. It was pretty good to talk to Tio since I think I'm beginning to respect him more like a bro of my own as opposed to the protective boyfriend of my bestfriend/ex boss Mills.

Tio went to Ivy for some of his work calls duties and to keep Mills busy, we went to Columbian and Shift and one thing led to another and we forgot to stand by for Tio's phonecall at 12. We left at 3am and I really hope/wish Mills and Tio are ok. The last time I checked Tio sent this angry message to Mills.

So, back to the rocket bomb.... The rocket bomb ( a huge catastrophe ) is bound to happen and I am standing helplessly on this desserted field with nowhere to run to. The bomb is of course a metaphoric intepretation of Ben's behavior towards me if things should go bad. The field is my mindset which is quite blank during these days with me in the middle knowing nowhere to run. So, what about me running? Why do I still have hope and keep running as opposed to giving in to this rocket bomb...

One thing for sure is cos I like him...

But how did I run? I met Austin on Saturday night. Austin and I have always been on a love-hate relationship. We flirt with each other. I do think he's hot and vice versa and we can't really control ourselves when we see each other. But some part of me HATES his guts and he hates mine too. He saw me and came and talked to me and as predicted in the middle of our convo, he interrupted my speech with a liplock and the rest was a huge epitomic PDA saga. We went out and weird shit happened. This was how our convo went.

A: you hate me
me: I hate no one
A: nah you hate me so much I could tell. Why didn't you contact me?
me: cos you're scary, man.
A: I'm sure you just hate me
me: ok fine maybe I did
A: it's hot that you hate me

and yep before you know it the two haters had a weird pash out. If only Ben was around, I'd be so doomed. It felt so right yet wrong to kiss Austin that night. I got my self esteem back and I kinda felt good about it cos I really need a self assurance that I am able to get guys. I know this sounds a bit self righteously arrogant but I do need my flirtability check while I'm feeling helplessly down with my ego/conscience . However, the worst thing I could do to someone actually happened after that. Austin asked me to date him and forget Ben. He seemed so confident and I know I have always liked Austin and always wanted to go further with him. He even offered a 'night' with me without having to let Ben know. I find that sneaky but it was a pretty good offer. So, after all these things circulated my head, and after choosing to run away from the rocket bomb feeling quite good that I'm running though I'm in trouble (I enjoyed the Austin moment while my life's fucked with Ben), I chose my direction. The field has NO directions but I chose it.

Liking Ben has no options at this point but I chose my way. I told Austin that I cannot date him since I'm dating Ben and that I do not want to date two guys at once. He messaged me back saying he'll never bother me again. I lost Austin. I lost my energy running but yet I chose a direction. I know this is not a movie to know that I'm gonna survive this rocket bomb but I am trying my best. I am trying to learn how things work. I am curious and quite inquisitive about things that could happen when you're in the middle not knowing where things are headed to.

As stubborn and carefree as I can be, I have decided to go on with this flow. I'll wait for Ben's message or phonecall but at the same time, if another "Austin" moment occur with any guys, I'll use it to redeem myself and to make sure I am capable of feeling good if shit should happen. In another words, I have used Austin to gain my confidence back.

The funniest thing I've learnt is despite my whole charitable blogs about how I'm undergoing this unfair trip with Ben, I realized that I am doing this for someone I truly love...

me

Music: Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb (Tiga remix)

Mood: still lost

I am.... Cos

I'm happy...

cos I finally come to realize that the ball is in Ben's court and I should just wait and see what he's gonna do....

cos I went out with Mama Mills after feeding her rabbits who seem to be amazingly friendly towards me

cos I got to see Austin and pashed the shit outta him

I'm sad...

cos I'm dating someone and I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE pashing people..

cos I told Austin that I can't date him cos I'm already dating Ben

cos Mama Mills got into trouble with her bf cos of me (I dragged her to going out tonight)

I'm still lost...

cos I feel so lonely.. o god.. when will this emoism stop

Comment of the Day

Cindy

:)

are u married?

saw ur other half, she's so cute

LOL.. some people still can't tell if I'm straight or gay. Even worse, what made them think I'm married to Jane Kwan. I asked her which one and she said it was the pic of me and her on the grass. So, does taking a pic on the grass imply that you're married to that girl? LOL... and here I am thinking I'm majorly failing acting straight LOL.. god bless, cindy!!!!

Lost

This dark figure was walking towards me. That's one of the things I hate about walking home. Like, before you reach my unit, you have walk this long street with bushes and houses at your left and right. And since there were lights around the end of it, you can see anything that is coming towards you while you're walking towards my unit. So, there I was walking and I saw this figure. It was of a guy I think but it was just too short. And something in my head just asked me to go left and walk on the road and not the pavement. So, I did. And as I was nearing the part where I last saw that silhouette, I kinda had another nudge in me that says 'do NOT look at your right' but I did. I saw these two hands behind this tree. It must've been a person or something but the feeling that I know it was there and I see it right at that moment scared me. Then I called Aarti to just feel like I had someone to talk to and walked home not looking back.

Now, I'm not saying it was a ghost or anything like that but the fact that I knew it was gonna be there still scared the shit outta me and the fact that it told me to walk on the road and all. The figure was looking at the direction of my walk. Like the hands were kinda turned backwards to me at first but as I passed, it followed my view. I have no idea what it was but yeah....

So, let's start with Ben. I got messages from my friend in Melbourne, Cam. I'm glad most people read my blog cos I think blogs are the only way of keeping in touch and it saves you the trouble of saying things like "how's it goin" or asking about your dog when your dog just died a day ago. So, his message was something along the line of 'don't go for something that's not worth it'... so, it DOES seem like I'm talking Ben a bit down on my blog. But it's a bit of my mentality as well. You see, when I like someone, I LIKE them. I don't have confusions and I just go straight to conclusions. This sometimes scares people off. I haven't told Ben anything but I'm guessing Ben is at this stage where he doesn't know what he wants with me. It's a shame actually cos it seems like we get on well together. However, what Cam said was true as well. I do deserve someone better. I am not saying Ben is living to my expectations.. well not yet.. but then again, I have to be careful that Ben might be my boyfriend OR MIGHT EVEN NOT. The 'NOT' part is what I'm scared of and not really putting it in my head. So, from today, why don't I just put that as a possibility and make Ben my 'might not be' as well. I am not being negative but I'm hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst. I do like him lots. So, it's gonna burn if we don't have the same wavelength. Cos the way things are going...

1. He would NOT let me add him on my facebook account.

2. He asked me about monagomy and told me he still lives with his ex.

3. It's always me who initiates our hang outs.

4. Since the first date, I've been the one calling or messaging him first. He DID call me but it was due to my message saying "let's hang out", to which he said he wasn't free.

5. He's always online on manhunt. I am too but I'm there to actually try to talk to him. Cos Benhead does not have msn and I think manhunt's like the only way of communication.

Five things make me think that he's slipping away possibly from me or just being 'normal'. He might just be being lazy or I might just be paranoid. One way or other,.. I guess it's time I sit and wait.... I got drunk last night and messaged him which I TOTALLY regret.. Normally I wouldn't regret things but THIS i do.. DEEPLY... He didn't message back anyways.

So, Med Revue's got the 2008 event of the year award. Now, my view on this is. We did do a good show.. Kudos to the directors and producers but without us putting ourselves as nominees, we wouldve been ignored. So, I think I'd firstly congratulate the producers of 2009 for bringing it up, Jack for motivating them to write things and Owen and Mel for actually writing it. It's our attempt to show the Arc people HOW AWESOME 2008 med revue group was. I'm glad we get to keep the trophy but it's a win for all of us as opposed to 'who's behind this award'... I think it's a combined effort of 2008 and 2009.

I got so drunk last night btw.. I even slept at 9pm. That' s just ridiculous. Free bar tabs are just so amazing.... *thirst*

To be brutally honest, I feel a bit lost now. It's been two whole good weeks with someone to call my potential bf. But now that I've stepped back to reality, it's time to reboost myself again and I'm as lost as anyone without a roap map on their first trip to a good place can be. Happy yet unsure... :)

Music: India Arie - Beautiful

Mood: lost

Bury The Hatchet

How was I productive today? HAHAHA The answer is I wasn't.

Well, I spent half of the day catching up on heroes and Gossip Girl. It's an addiction I tell you. I went and had thai with mickey. And I spent shit load of time pretending to be a dog and uploading pics of a dog on facebook. It's a joint account so if you guys think I am responsible for fluff's facebook account, the answer is NO. I'm half responsible maybe but not fully.

I slept a bit in the evening and when I woke up I was just so hungry. So, I looked around for my flatmate, the better one, but she was already having dinner with Poukskee. She's leaving for Burma tomorrow anyways *sigh*. So, I was home alone but as soon as I was told that my other flatmate was coming home(let's name her ACDC shall we), I just swished into my going out gear and as I was getting ready to run out in the rain for some food, she knocked on my door and went 'where's mickey'. I was like 'she's out for dinner. As soon as ACDC went for her pee, I ran out the door. I could hear her shouting my name behind me but I just kept running downstairs. And when I reached downstairs, she called me and the reason was cos she wanted me to grab her food. The thing is it was raining and I was in mood to bring a packet of food in my hand while running in the rain trying not to fall. So I told her I was going over to Kieran's. That felt good but bad as well.

I was down again. I've been so down lately. Mainly cos I STILL have to get my visa done, and I just noticed I got work on friday which was the day I have to have my medical checkup for my visa extension, I haven't studied for networks and lastly, I kept thinking about Bendermot(yes it's the you know who of my life during these days). As I was walking back home soaking wet, drenched in my own self sympathy, I did call Kieran or Babylet and I guess both of them were busy. I walked on, smoked a bit and just thought of how miserable the rain is and as I was waiting for the traffic light to turn green. the best thing happened.

Mama nature, who hates my guts, has decided to make me smile on this very day when I feel like a fucked up lazyshit. She stopped the rain and changed the pourage into drizzles and I put my hoodie off and smoked better and walked much more comfortably slower, thanking her deep inside. I just felt love from this fictional character I always have fights with.. mama nature. It's just that she always loves to ruin my hair, get my work clothes wet or just have her army of flies buzzing around my body buttered skin. But today, she just showed me her other side. As she sheltered me for my walk back home, I just felt so secure and the funny thing was when I reached home, the rain started. That kinda assured that she wanted me to at least have that 3 minutes of a good walk home on the most miserable day of my life. *swoons* gotta love mama nature for that I suppose....

Life is too short to worry but at the same time, worries are too big to be hidden... each and every minute, I feel a wrinkle popping through my skin.. o fuck it, there's always botox for that type of shit :)

Music: Babyface - Mad Sexy Cool

Mood: saved by mama nature

Dating Ben Hedgehog

Dating Ben Hedgehog is like downloading a TV series on the internet. Once the seeds are out, you are so eager to hop on a bit torrent software and once the bit rates are up, you just can't stop smiling but once the user from the other end stopped seeding on this p-to-p connection, you start to think if you ever get this file again or when you'll get to see the whole thing. Plus, you also worry if there was gonna be enough time to actually have it done before the next week episode comes out. But then again, as soon as you get the whole file you get this big fat satisfaction of watching the whole TV series, not caring about the world around you and the stress that you're under in real life but just drifting away on this newly downloaded file. And of course, once it's over, you're back to waiting to see a new event come up..... *sigh*.. will he ever be mine......

Relationship Package

I've seen two people around me who's hurting. One who got dumped and had to realize that his ex is now dating some other guy, after he told him that he broke up with him cos he wasn't ready for a relationship. I feel his pain. Then, we got another one who's hurt cos he had to see his ex flirting in front of him and he's getting angrier each and everyday. I feel his pain too.. I try to give my all honesty to both of them but I wonder.... will I be able to stand if anything happens to me. I would truly need both of them to inject reality to me and all but at the same time, will I be angry and sad like them? The experience with Kieran proved that I'm a big boy cos I have to say I handled it pretty well but as I've climaxed more and more with Ben, it worries and scares me about these little thing that comes with the 'relationship' package.

Intensity Measures

Sometimes, you have to lie in life. It's for your own protection. Or you just have to hold that one gulp in your throat. It's not a lie. It's more of a big lump in your throat which would not move up nor down but just stuck there. It's a feeling of a clog in your blood vessel if you have lung cancer. It's the feeling of being in a car in the middle of a huge ass long traffic when you're already late for something urgent.

I love the fact that I did have the most intense talk with someone and even happier that me and Ben had marched on to our second date. However, intense talks are not that smart especially when you could contradict yourself sometimes. First of all, I do NOT like games but I always end up playing them anyways since it's a must to have a bit of a 'left over' for them to invade as opposed to you giving your all to them. That's the number one rule. Me, being aware of it, almost gave every details about me to him tonight. Why? Cos I like him. I really like Ben and I want him to know the real me I guess. But that's a huge risk I'm taking. On the other hand, I was glad I did find out some stuffs about him too.

What I did tonight was all real except for the part that I kept my guards up! He doesn't know how worried and scared I am. How I know this can either lead to something really tight/good or just a shameful break up. I know we both have potentials to be friends but we both know that we can aim for more.

Then, I still don't know why he wouldn't let me add him on facebook but I think that's a good thing too since facebook is quite distracting and no one wants to be checked or stalked and we're not really anything yet. He asked me what I thought about monagomy and I told him exactly what I thought of it. That scares me a bit too cos I have no idea why he asked me that and the dude he's living with is his ex. I don't know.. I don't even know why I'm being a worrying freak about this. It felt good being open to someone you like but it's also a bit worrying to know why he'd ask.

Today was quite cool since I went out with Ali and Fluff. We walked through this coastal walk area from Bondi til Bronte with Fluff. Fluff FINALLY was NOT afraid of me anymore and there was this sculpture by the sea happening so we had fun taking pics there as well. Then, we had coffee in one of Bondi's coffee shop. It was fun bumming with Ali and Fluff. She's finally made a facebook account for Fluff and now I'm friends with him there and I would be able to tag him if I upload pics of him.

Well, many questions are left answered as for tonight but isn't it a thrill to find out what will happen one day... we all do wonder :)

Music: Pink - Sober

Mood: curious

Don't Give In Temptations

It's not like I can't eat or sleep or do anything normal. But every single minute, I think about why Ben has NOT contacted me. It's a bit sad but I can't stop myself from thinking. Do you know how it's really hard to control your thoughts. I'm in a lab right now thinking of just not attending and just going home since attendance is mandatory anyways. On the other web browser tab, I got my manhunt on and some dude messaged me to ask if I work in 357. The only steam room that I've been to is the unigym and it's nothing sexual nor I work there. So, I said no but it's interesting how I've heard about this me-lookalike. Does he REALLY exist? A lot of people had been asking me if I were in places where they thought they last saw me but I was not there.

BTW, I JUST messaged ben...... to see if he's keen for a hangout

so much for temptations controllage LOL

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning

Don't you just love it when your bestest friend pay for a porno website that you really want to be a member of cos she's got a credit card and for the password, she used ' fuck me X', where X is the name of the person you would run away from for the rest of your life? It's like 'hey I'm gonna pay you money back to make you join this porn website to satisfy my curiosity while you put the name of this person as my password'. URGH!!!! But yeah, her doing it for me seems cool enough cos seriuosly who would want a record of porn sites on your credit debts. Would you like it if your credit card company call you and say 'Ma'am, did you use your credit card for www.dildoboys.com?'

So, today felt like a new beginning day for me. I've learnt a lot about 'real friends' during the past few days. And I've learnt about responsibility. I've also learnt about having more confidence in myself. And about how possible and impossible a relationship can be and it's ok to accept it if shit happens. Assignments piss me off but I guess running away from the deadline just fucks me up more so yeah I have to be more focused about my status next time and I can try REALLY hard for the exam. I still have hope for that no matter what the reality seems like at the moment.

On another note, I've stopped messaging Ben. Only cos I wanna give him more time and space and it's kinda weird if I kept messaging him a lot , especially when there isn't any big things to message about. Plus, I'm back on track with my gym things again and my diet is back on. So, I'm pretty sure it won't be that bad trying NOT to message him.

The highlight of the day was studying with Nick in front of the science theatre. Though I didn't study much, it was fun hanging around with him. And I FINALLY caught up with Jess, who I last met at the med revue. I do miss Jess a lot. Jess and I used to work at Jayjays together a year and a half ago and we've become really close friends since. So, I guess going back to my old friends involve hanging out with her. Though she's broken up with Jobo, I was really happy they were still really good friends and Jobo joined us as well. He's totally buffed up and thank god he still has a short hair cut, he still look as hot as I last saw him. He's been surfing as well so he's looked a bit like a surfie lately as well. Haha, I finally have a surfie friend LOL.

me and Jobo

I left my gym bag at Nick's so after I took it from his place and cos it was raining, he drove me home. I guess I've been totally recollecting who my real friends are. Alex and Ali were there during the weekends. But then again, Ali, Alex, Zhe and Jen have always been my best friends but it's just that I suck at keeping in touch with them at some point. Jess and Jobo were so cool to hang with tonight and Nick was there for me and all that. So, I'm pretty really happy about the fact that I'm giving priorities to those who REALLY deserve it. I'm glad I'm beginning to love them more than the rest. On the other hand, Ness has always kept in touch with me and it would've been nice to have dinner with her tonight if only I can disect myself into two and make one half of me dine with her while the other half have coffee with Jess. Ah well, I'm loving life once again.. about time I do...

Music: Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin Better

Mood: sorted

Hyperballad - Bjork

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like:
Car parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around

It's become a habit
A way
To start the day

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

It's early morning
No one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks

When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

I love this song.. I know how weird bjork may seem but her lyrics are so deep and this song is the epitome of what a relationship's all about. People think it's about her trying to commit suicide in this song by trying to jump off the cliff. The whole point of this song is the fact that the best is always achieved whenever you think of the worst. And in order to get the best of something you have to think about the worst. Like, after cheating on my ex once, I know how much I value him afterwards. After being rejected from dates, I get the better explanation of life's normality and not just get too influenced by this so called 'life on a high' era. I think all of us who have partners have to go through a bit of tough times to actually get back to their partners and everytime that happens, you just love them more. That's another reason I believe in make ups after break ups. What Bjork's saying in this song is how she imagined the worst and go back home to feel the security of being with her loved ones... Isn't life grand! :)

Sleeping On A Thread

Sleeping a thread actually refers to one of the processes I used in my program code for my assignment or WAS gonna use, depends on how it'll work tomorrow. I am one day late for this assignment but I really wish to finish it tomorrow. I don't really know what's gonna be the result of this.. but I guess I'm hopeful..

I guess in a way I AM sleeping on a thread given that a thread is this thin line in a fabric where the fabric material refers to the whole life and the length of the thread is the fate...

1. I have to get my visa fixed
2. I have to finish this assignment
3. What's up with Ben and me?

So these shall be answered once I wake up... as for now , I'll sleep on it and work things out

Inner Strength

When you're at your worst, there's no use in dwelling with the things that's been boggling your head and when you think there's no hope for you, it's even worse to just give up. I was thinking of it. I'm not gonna lie but as a victim of past-sucide-attempts, I DID think of an easy way out which would be the worst choice in my life.

I was so stressed about failing this semester again today. It's all my fault since I haven't been on good terms with uniwork lately and I know, deep inside, that I should've been more careful and did a lot better. So, I called Burma to talk to my grandparents. Now, it's been a while since I last contacted them and I know how pissed off they were and still are. I called them just so that I'd feel like home to hear their voices. I mean, I do have friends but they're different from the whole 'home' feeling that I used to have four years ago. When you're in a different country on your own, it does affect things you do and choices you make. My grandad was a bit chilled though I have to say, he was a bit stressed out and kinda innerly mad at me for being a stressed out freak. But, it was my grandma who hurt me so deeply but yet she did the BEST thing I could've imagined.

She told me that it was their faults that I was raised this way. Spoilt, lazy and kinda irresponsible. I have always believed in 'luck' and kinda semi depended on it in the past and at times these days. So, at times, I do flip and get lazy and kinda believe that 'fate' will do its job. She pointed that out as well and she told me how uninformed they were about me. They don't know what I'm doing, the work and all that. I just don't want them to stress since I can pretty much handle it on my own. So I thought!!! But, when the going gets tough, I turn into this baby who just wants a phrase or two of encouragement from them. This time, she toughened up and faced the music and told me the things that I've been lacking and kinda have to work on.

I was pretty sore innerly after our conversation. I called Ali but she had to go to this pub to watch footie and I KNOW she'll be there for me. Ness was at home and I also knew she'll be there for me. Aarti had some assignments and all that. It was a bit of self sympathy and attention grabbing from my side and sympathy fishing.

So, I thought to myself what I was good at. I'm pretty sure if I cannot do this assignment on my own, I can always use this ability that I would be good in. And I figured it out. Communications and friends. I called everyone I knew who could help me and yep, finally I reached Alex who'll help me out with this assignment not only cos he knows this but also cos he wants me to graduate. It was a good feeling to know that my best friends of four years still care, like Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe.

On the other hand, I also learnt another valuable thing in life about putting yourself ahead of others. It's only fair that we worry about our shit more than others. I did expect some people to totally help me out for this and it kinda failed since some 'friends' kinda did not help me out but I gotta remember just because I have so many friends doesnt' mean all of them would help and it's not their fault. So, in life, you ARE your own soldier....

Babylet and I had coffee tonight. I'm glad he was there for me.. Thanx babe.. you ARE a good little brother...

Music: Seal - Love's Divine

Mood: can be better tomorrow

Gardenia (Mandy Moore)

A woman is allowed to use the word 'womanizer' on a man while the man's version is 'jezebel'? Like, how come jezebel sounds so erotically pretty while womanizer sound like the worst type of dildo available in a cheap sex shop? Ok, that wasn't the reason why I blogged but yeah listening to Britney makes me think. I'm kinda growing to the song now anyways. So I think it's an ok song.

I had a lab exam today, in which I thought I did pretty ok as opposed to my other stuffs. I only have an assignment and a final exam to go. I hung around with nick after the exam and we talked about a lot of things. We even came up with some brilliant sketch ideas.

But, yeah, while I was talking to nick, I came up with this thought. Like Ben Folds sing, "Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone". This is quite true since before you found anyone, you're just as normal as how you're like and there are only friends or good stuff happening to look forward to (like the new episode of gossip girl i'm downloading now). As soon as I've found and liked Ben, things have changed a bit. It's only been two days but I always think of him. It's a bit weird since I completely forgot about my social life. There's just him in my head the whole time. So, I ended up messaging him and all that. Normally, I'd be worried if the other person would think I'm being either too needy and clingy. But, today, I've come to accept that in order for him to like me for who I am, I'd have to be natural me. I, as Hein, love to keep in touch with someone I have a huge crush on or even like at all times. It's just the way I deal with things. I'd love to think about him. And I guess it's even more noticeable at the start of a relationship or a relationshp-to-be. I guess I was quite confident about messaging him today since if he found that somewhat negative, then he'll have to reconsider and just think of what he really wants. If he likes it, then that's totally awesome since he likes me for what and who I really am. And chilling with Nick, I did get back to my normal self and started to appreciate my normal social life again. I messaaged him today and after some time, I did get a promising message back, which made me smile and kinda made me happy that he does like me for what I am.

All I am saying is I'm a bit sick of trying to be someone else to impress the other person and if what I'm doing is wrong, then it's just me being so stupidly insecure about myself. Thinking about him does not kill people and getting messages from people you had fun hanging out with is not a bad thing. So, I do think what I did today was all honest and all 'me'. I'm impressed he's fine with it.

And speaking of which, Ben is a bit of a patriotic biter. He bit me on my back on Sunday and I have managed to circlize them and join the dots. And it somehow looks like the shape of an Australian map. How patriotic of him.

Music: Britney Spears - Womanizer

Mood: brave

Ben and I

The date is done. So, what happened? lol

All I can say is I do not really see myself single anymore in the future if things go this well consistently. We met and I was so happy that he looks WAY cuter in real life though I did think he was cute in the pics. So, our whole plan of jellyfish watching was an epic fail and we ended up drinking coffee and his tea at gloria jeans on oxford st and talked about jesus and all that. It was just full on chat with no awkward silence and whenever there was one, we'd laugh about it. I was happy he was quite funny as much as I was. To round it all up, I am very much attracted to him. So, after that we went to columbian and I was buying us a drink when this dude came up to me and tried to take my shirt off and touch my stomach and got closer. I had to say "my boyfriend's sitting there" and had to kinda use that excuse. And he said "that's even better.. what about a threesome". Ben saw him in the toilet while he was peeing and that guy went and peeped at him pee and said 'that's special'. I told Ben that I was sorry I had to say we're boyfriends and I told him not to freak out and he said he was far from it. Cutting long story short, we went to this restaurant near Stonewall and then Stonewall to watch the drag show and yes, we kissed. And I ended up at his place. I warned him about me snoring and he said that's something he'll need to get used to. We woke up together and showered and had breakfast. The fact is I really like him. There are some elements in life which is quite unexplanable. The actions, the words you say, the things you do, the way you feel and the person you just end up liking even though you try your best to follow the rule book. With what I've learnt from the past, I have managed to solidify myself from a lot of things and quite careful with the word 'dating' but I just feel so comfortable with this one. I guess 'instant clicks' do exist. I really like him and I think he likes me too. I got bite marks all over my back anyways.. for some reason, he's into gnawing me bits by bits LOL.... *swoons* i'm loving this :) I gave him one of my bands that I wore on my hand that has the word 'hope' on it and told him it's just something he should have so that I'll see him again to take it back from him :)

My instinct tells me that this can go further if I do it right.. so will I do things right? I guess I'll have to see.. Plenty of things to come for me to learn :)

Music: Sean Kingston - Got No Shorty

Mood: in 'like'

Heaven On Earth (Britney Spears)

What are the chances of seeing things wrong? I'm Hein, shouldn't I see things or predict things correctly? I was doing my 'old' game with my med revue lovelies at mcdonald's until 4am this morning before I had to wake up for work at 8am. What's the game? Well, I would ask someone two questions and from the information I get, I can kinda guess their personalities and some voices in my head tell me stupid little things that might be true or somewhat close to the truth. Like, of course there are things you can learn from a person from two answers you get and most of them are generic anyways. But I do get some weird vibes and I got one of the weirdest info correct last night when I asked Tran if she likes air fresheners and Erin went 'you just told me that last few days ago'. And, how do I know this? I have no idea. So, I can see stuffs from other people with two answers questioned. Now, why can't I see that from Ben.

Ladies and gents, I guess I have got myself involved in yet another potential date-chains. I know this guy from manhunt and we haven't met but from what I've heard and read, there's a bit of a potential. I don't know if he's doing it just to get more closer or just to get close and leave. I rather not see the negative sides of things but somehow I do feel hopeful and tons of phone messages just kinda assure me that he, at least, has the patience to work out for things. I like the fact that he was quick to the 'meeting' part of our story. Like, it kinda semi pisses me off when you've added someone on msn and you just talk and talk and talk and the convo slowly drifts to 'how's it going' and 'good'. Plus, both of us are quite keen and excited to see each other.

I do like the fact that he's a 31 year old country boy. I know how I hate to be stereotyped, especially as an asian who comes from outer-Australia, when there are LOTS of cute little asians out there who have so much dignity and class in them that all they ever care for is a normal life, as opposed to depending on some 61 year old daddies who'll provide them with pills. I don't mean to stereotype him but I do like the sound of it. It's a bit of a mixture there I guess. A country boy who's in one of the urban parts of Australia and who's funky enough to choose hairdressing as a profession and yet sound grounded and most importantly, straight. I know it's a bit unfair to judge homosexuals on their gay levels. But I'm not really attracted to the whole hair-dresser's gayness since it's a bit full on and I think they'd do a much more lovelier job without me in their lives. So, yes people, I'm hopeful.

So, this will be the first time I ever call a meet up a date and kinda feel a bit confident about it. We're going for coffee at the darlinhurst bay. It'll be fun to count jellyfish that will wobble up the dock and just kinda chill in each other's presence with a bit of caffeine. I don't know.. I'm feeling good... as Queen said "Don't Stop Me Now"

Music: Stacie Orrico - There's Gotta Be More To Life

Mood: excited

I'm An Endomorph, Hear Me Roar

I went to gym and lecture today. Can you believe it? Holy fuck, I must be possessed. I thought it was gonna be an empty gym but it turned out quite crowdy for a Thursday afternoon. I was doing a bit of a research last night for my gym routine and sadly, I don't belong in any of the groups. They've got endomorphs, ectomorphs and mesomorphs. A mesomorph is clearly out of my range since it's those people who are already toned and who put on muscle quickly and not gain fat easily. Damn you people! You see, an endomorph is somewhat like my shape but it also has wider hips and round bottoms whereas I do NOT have endomorphic hips but at the same time, it's so easy to gain fat for me. At the same time, I'm a bit of a binger as well where I gain weight this week and the next I'd be much thinner and all that. On the other hand we have ectomorph who are thin and they don't gain fat easily and all that.. I wouldn't mind being one of them. Another thing is I cannot also be an endo cos I don't really have broad shoulders but I do have rounded features. God, it was just so hard. But I decided to stick to endo since I wanna get rid of fat as effectively as I can.

Gym visit was kinda painful since it's been a while since I last did gym and it was kinda crowded and all that but the steam room was AWESOME and luckily some really good looking guys were in there as well. Just once, I'd love to have a really good chat with some cute gay guy in the steam room. That'd be quite umm.. steamy?

I went to lecture for the first two hours of the three hours of the lecture. I sat right in front of Charissa and I felt proud that I was paying attention to everything the lecturer was saying. But can I just say... there were these people.. one was an asian couple, one was this ugly asian chick with this fat caucasian dude with curly hair who were talking like they were the only one in the room. My input to that is if you don't wanna pay attention don't come to class at all. If you do, just fucking shut up and let the others concentrate or something. God, they were going on and on let alone the lecturer sounded indian enough to kinda articulate english to a hein-understandable-standard.

Yesterday directors and producers meeting went well. It's always fun having meetings with them. I guess it's cute that we know each other so well as really good friends and there isn't much ego and arrogance or just this big ass need to prove ourselves. We all know our limits I guess. Though I was avoiding any political comments, I did babble on about some director that I was not in favor of and Jack and I had a bit of talk about that while everyone just quiet down that moment. During that five minutes of back to back opinionating about why I think it's wrong and how he thinks there's another side to the story, I started to notice that I AM really stubborn. Once someone is known as a bad guy to me, he'll always be a bad guy. I totally think what Jack said was good and quite useful for my future social dealings since he kinda dug out the good side of the story and there I am, still going on about how fucked that person is. I'm quite semi-not-seriously ashamed to admit it but I learned about myself from Jack. I didn't let my guards down about my opinions about this person but somehow I do respect Jack's comment to whatever I was saying. It was a tough mixed feeling at that point. A bit of shame, a bit of anger, a bit of silly 'OMG Jack is siding him' feeling but somehow after the whole meeting, I think a bit of maturity on my side wouldn't make me feel that stupid. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna gain anything from saying bad shit about this person. So, I think I owe Jack for my self reflecting moment there.

Music: Shades Apart - Stranger by the Day

Mood: bored in the lab

All In My Head (Kosheen)

If there's one thing I don't understand, it's 'break'. Why do we need them? Break as in 'relationship break'. I was just listening to Ben Folds Five's song, "song for the dumped" and he was singing about how this chick wants a break and all that. I'm like "just break up already, man. it's not worth it". No I am not bitter but I just DO NOT believe in breaks. What good is a break for? I think a break is a big fat excuse to play around, get what you want and kinda get to know how much your partner's absence means a lot to you. Well, if you need to fuck someone to know how important your partner is, why not just have a relationship at all? I hate the fact that relationships are taken into accounts too lightly these days. Back in our days, divorce was like "OMG no she didn't" and now it's more of like "get the best lawyers". I've seen my parents fight but never had they uttered the word 'divorce'. I do want my sister to divorce her husband at the moment but that's different. Physical abuse is unbearable in a relationship. But going back to this 'break'. I say "FUCK BREAKS... the only time I see the word 'break' in a realtionship is when they 'break up'."

On another epic disappointing news, you know you're fat when your asian family friends smile at you, hug you and go 'OMG you've become so fat'. Now, that's something you HAVE to take into accounts cos most asians don't lie about obesity. You see, in asian culture, it's good to be well fed. Maybe that's why some Chinese people smile and applaud whenever someone burps at a dinner. Maybe that's why asian family always prepare big meals. And thus having more to eat for tomorrow, the word 'leftovers' kinda lingers around our asian community LOL. So, when they say things like 'you're fat', it's normally and usually a compliment and kinda synonymous to 'Hey, you've been well fed.. I'm glad you're eating well'. But still, as weight conscious as I am, I refuse to take that as a compliment and kinda see that as a warning. The intepretation goes something like

Term: "You've become fat"
Asian people: "I am well fed"
non-Asian people: "How rude!!"
prissy airheads: "OMG pregnancy test!!"
Hein: "Oh shit! I need another diet!!!"

So yes, that's what I see it as and nothing can stop me from wanting to be thin and bootiful. No, that wasn't a spelling mistake. More of a bootilicious reference. So, I'm gonna be doing this hibernated diet plan, not letting people know. Cos when people know of my diet, they always slam me right in the head, which feels good cos I feel cared for but at the same time, it swerves and my rods and cones in my head into thinking 'what if they're right'. Now I have to be more stubborn and determined.. lol

P.S. I'm running outta song titles for my blog entries. I've started this trend of putting song titles as my blog entry titles. I guess Kosheen's All In my Head will do for today LOL.

P.P.S. On another 'bad news'ness, my internet connection is still low and I blame it on my housemate who is really selfish enough to youtube every TV series she loves to watch as opposed to downloading them and sharing them with others. And if her disk drive doesn't work, she may as well have it fixed. URGHH

Music: Blondie - Good Boys

Mood: if the word 'boredom' was sex, i'd be a slut (not that I'm not one already)

Eat The Rich

I did my assignment really well. Everything worked except for the fact that it didn't loop and for that reason, I got only one third of the total marks. Bummer! So, I guess little things do affect a lot to result in deep big shit. I guess a little more effort doesn't hurt either. So I was thinking I should start this assignment ten days before it's due and to start studying and all that. I'm just sick of failing and I refuse to fail this semester and it's just not an option.

So I caught up with a friend today, right. It's been a while since I last saw her. And I hung out with her and my other two close friends, Ali and Jen. It was Lily. She was like some years ahead of us, graduated and working in google. Apparently, in google company, you get to eat buffet for lunch and choose from ten cake choices. I would just go to the interview and if they ever ask why I would want the job I'll just say "because I would love to have a job where they serve buffet for lunch and ten kinds of cakes to choose from". Also, they are given pizza bases and different toppings to choose from and they could make their own pizzas. HOLY FUCK! If I ever work in google, I'll be one fat mama. But with a good pay and a good repuation, I'm sure any dumbass little hot sucker with a cumbrain would fall for a fat guy like me uh huh? :)

On another note, I was watching my video on facebook and I think my lisp is getting kinda worse. So, I've been looking in the mirror and trying to vocalize the letter 's' without making it sound like 'ths' or 'sh'. If I did the procedure(put the tip of the tongue behind the innner gum and place the tongue flat) right, it sometimes sound like a 'sh'. Ali told me that if I pushed my tongue a bit stronger to the gum and kinda place it a bit where the teeth starts growing, it sounds like an 's'. It does BUT I JUST HAVE TO KEEP PRACTISING.

my main slash prawn entree

my dessert

Music: Utada Hikaru - Blue

Mood: full and fat