When you're at your worst, there's no use in dwelling with the things that's been boggling your head and when you think there's no hope for you, it's even worse to just give up. I was thinking of it. I'm not gonna lie but as a victim of past-sucide-attempts, I DID think of an easy way out which would be the worst choice in my life.
I was so stressed about failing this semester again today. It's all my fault since I haven't been on good terms with uniwork lately and I know, deep inside, that I should've been more careful and did a lot better. So, I called Burma to talk to my grandparents. Now, it's been a while since I last contacted them and I know how pissed off they were and still are. I called them just so that I'd feel like home to hear their voices. I mean, I do have friends but they're different from the whole 'home' feeling that I used to have four years ago. When you're in a different country on your own, it does affect things you do and choices you make. My grandad was a bit chilled though I have to say, he was a bit stressed out and kinda innerly mad at me for being a stressed out freak. But, it was my grandma who hurt me so deeply but yet she did the BEST thing I could've imagined.
She told me that it was their faults that I was raised this way. Spoilt, lazy and kinda irresponsible. I have always believed in 'luck' and kinda semi depended on it in the past and at times these days. So, at times, I do flip and get lazy and kinda believe that 'fate' will do its job. She pointed that out as well and she told me how uninformed they were about me. They don't know what I'm doing, the work and all that. I just don't want them to stress since I can pretty much handle it on my own. So I thought!!! But, when the going gets tough, I turn into this baby who just wants a phrase or two of encouragement from them. This time, she toughened up and faced the music and told me the things that I've been lacking and kinda have to work on.
I was pretty sore innerly after our conversation. I called Ali but she had to go to this pub to watch footie and I KNOW she'll be there for me. Ness was at home and I also knew she'll be there for me. Aarti had some assignments and all that. It was a bit of self sympathy and attention grabbing from my side and sympathy fishing.
So, I thought to myself what I was good at. I'm pretty sure if I cannot do this assignment on my own, I can always use this ability that I would be good in. And I figured it out. Communications and friends. I called everyone I knew who could help me and yep, finally I reached Alex who'll help me out with this assignment not only cos he knows this but also cos he wants me to graduate. It was a good feeling to know that my best friends of four years still care, like Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe.
On the other hand, I also learnt another valuable thing in life about putting yourself ahead of others. It's only fair that we worry about our shit more than others. I did expect some people to totally help me out for this and it kinda failed since some 'friends' kinda did not help me out but I gotta remember just because I have so many friends doesnt' mean all of them would help and it's not their fault. So, in life, you ARE your own soldier....
Babylet and I had coffee tonight. I'm glad he was there for me.. Thanx babe.. you ARE a good little brother...
I was so stressed about failing this semester again today. It's all my fault since I haven't been on good terms with uniwork lately and I know, deep inside, that I should've been more careful and did a lot better. So, I called Burma to talk to my grandparents. Now, it's been a while since I last contacted them and I know how pissed off they were and still are. I called them just so that I'd feel like home to hear their voices. I mean, I do have friends but they're different from the whole 'home' feeling that I used to have four years ago. When you're in a different country on your own, it does affect things you do and choices you make. My grandad was a bit chilled though I have to say, he was a bit stressed out and kinda innerly mad at me for being a stressed out freak. But, it was my grandma who hurt me so deeply but yet she did the BEST thing I could've imagined.
She told me that it was their faults that I was raised this way. Spoilt, lazy and kinda irresponsible. I have always believed in 'luck' and kinda semi depended on it in the past and at times these days. So, at times, I do flip and get lazy and kinda believe that 'fate' will do its job. She pointed that out as well and she told me how uninformed they were about me. They don't know what I'm doing, the work and all that. I just don't want them to stress since I can pretty much handle it on my own. So I thought!!! But, when the going gets tough, I turn into this baby who just wants a phrase or two of encouragement from them. This time, she toughened up and faced the music and told me the things that I've been lacking and kinda have to work on.
I was pretty sore innerly after our conversation. I called Ali but she had to go to this pub to watch footie and I KNOW she'll be there for me. Ness was at home and I also knew she'll be there for me. Aarti had some assignments and all that. It was a bit of self sympathy and attention grabbing from my side and sympathy fishing.
So, I thought to myself what I was good at. I'm pretty sure if I cannot do this assignment on my own, I can always use this ability that I would be good in. And I figured it out. Communications and friends. I called everyone I knew who could help me and yep, finally I reached Alex who'll help me out with this assignment not only cos he knows this but also cos he wants me to graduate. It was a good feeling to know that my best friends of four years still care, like Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe.
On the other hand, I also learnt another valuable thing in life about putting yourself ahead of others. It's only fair that we worry about our shit more than others. I did expect some people to totally help me out for this and it kinda failed since some 'friends' kinda did not help me out but I gotta remember just because I have so many friends doesnt' mean all of them would help and it's not their fault. So, in life, you ARE your own soldier....
Babylet and I had coffee tonight. I'm glad he was there for me.. Thanx babe.. you ARE a good little brother...
Music: Seal - Love's Divine
Mood:
can be better tomorrow
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