Where Do We Go From Here

Today is the last day I'm gonna stay at mom's place, given I'm gonna be just stopping by her place here and there after today. Office reopens and mom has to leave on Thursday. It's sad actually. I feel like I'm the one who kept seeing people come in and out of my surroundings these days.

I saw a lot of my friends come back and they went back to wherever they hailed from. Now, it's my mom and pretty soon it's gonna be my sisterlike friend, Ma Thi, and my boyfriend, Craig. I find it hard to answer questions like "enjoying life there, Hein?" To be honest, I am only cos naturally I would do anything to keep myself happy and as self conscious as I can be, I would never do anything to make myself look bad. Deep inside, I wanna get back to a life outta here. Given I got myself thinking about Craig a lot these days, it even sucks more that I am not in Sydney. Things are beginning to circulate here in Burma.

As jobs go, my contract ends at the end of February but then again, if there's another project coming my way, I would love to work with it since humanitarian jobs are based on yearly experiences and references. I have some good number of people who thinks I am capable in this field but I've only been on board for six months. So, I'm pretty clueless about what's gonna happen to me anywhere. I feel lost to be honest but I would love to continue working in this field.

I feel so lost each and everyday and I'm beginning to dwell on the happiness I can find via Craig's phonecall, Craig's chat or just hours spent at work. *sigh* How long can I go on this way????

Mom

It was cute to spend some time with mom again. I wasn't that happy when she had to go live with my sis but if she doesn't I'm pretty sure my sis would need a lot of help in Thailand. So, I guess I was happy she came back for a week and I get to speend the whole weekend with her.

I am 28 and I feel like a young adult but then when I see mom bringing a suitcase full of snacks and candy, I feel like I was 9 again. It was nice to see she's got a lot of stuffs just bought for me. I felt half bad as well given I'm the one supporting her with my income and there she was buying a lot of stuffs for me.

I tried to talk to her about Craig. I told her I've found someone I love. It was funny how I tried not to genderize the 'him/her' and the fact that the burmese term for him/her is not based on gender of reference. I also told her that I don't want her to know who she/he is and she just smiled at me. Something tells me she knows that I have a boyfriend but I guess she's just in denial, just like my grandparents. But I was glad she and I had a moment where both of us smiled at the fact that I've found my true love.

It's also cute how Craig has seen a pic of my mom and says he wants to hug her. Yeah, my mom does that effect on people who's seen her on photos lol. she's so cute. :D

TGIF

Going to the cinemas with my boss on Friday was horrible only cos the movie sucks so bad. I mean, I have seen a lot of good bollywood movies in the past but this was just one useless piece of shit with bad plotline. But the way to the cinema and after the cinema was pretty awesome.

We were getting a cab and I was asking him how much it would cost.

Cab driver: that will be 1500 kyats, Mr Swe.
me: huh?
Cab driver: that will be 1500 kyats
me: ok

I got inside

Cab driver: u sing right?
me: WOH so u DID know my name..

so the conversation continued. I was happy that I am easily noticed given it's been five years since I last was with the music industry. It's a good signal given I'm gonna be releasing my album soon too. Then,we were having a coffee and I saw one of the legendary singers in burma, chit kaung, who also said hi to me. I just felt like I'm back in the industry.

So, after the movie, I went with my boss to 50 street and strand hotel. It was great to see Whipper(rmemeber?? my italian boss)'s husband and he's one cool dude. We hung out with him and we had fun.
It was a good Friday. For once, despite being sad that time with craig was over for the day from work, i can truly enjoy TGIF term.

Of course, craig's on my mind full time.

Love; Analyzed

So, conversation with my boss makes me think a lot about love lately.. maybe cos i'm at a stable point at the moment but to those who are in need of things i could help out with to make u feel better, read these and agree with it if it helps u.. i'd do anything to make anyone happy :D (except stuffs)

Men (this is for the ladies)

men are simple.... they can't think. they see love as a game football.. u shoot u aim and u miss or score!!! they don't understand about negotiations with referees or yellow card or red card.. that's why they ALWAYS sip drink when there's time interval or referee moment

Women (this is for the gents)

women care a lot.. i'm not saying men don't care but women do think a lot. it's women in general. even the best girlfriend you have who acts like she doesn't give a shit about u "THINKS". she's just smart enough to level herself with your stupidity level. not saying men are stupid.. it's just that men rarely use their heads when it comes to love most of the time.. n most of the men.. so regardless of how freaky a girl can be, take charge.. if u like her, accept it.. n do NOT confuse her cos that'll give u more shit given u don't want to give more work for einstein when u're waiting for the clock to be invented

Relationship

relationship is work. we don't do it cos we're lonely.. we don't make it to make ourselves be happier or feel better. it's the same thing with or without someone with u.. u do it cos u love that person and want him/her around u.. u know u love someone when u feel good about the fights u have with him/her.

Rejections

Rejections is a simple gesture of saying 'i'm sorry i don't wanna settle'.. we don't believe in 'we're not meant to be' or 'we don't know what we want'. i mean, seirously.. i don't know what i want?? i mean, do u even KNOW how u're gonna be tomorrow??? so it's better to come to terms that rejection is just saying 'i'm not ready to setlle down'.. so no offence there and just a casual 'ok man.. u take care see ya later.. i need me a better person' which also boosts the concept of 'there are many fish in the sea'

Love and science

love is a chemical reaction and it's a juice that makes the brain react in another state,.. so it's a mindset... not a game, not a trophy but it's just u and ur brain in the end

Hope this helps
n i would like to thank my boss for this
she's one smart cookie!!! xxx

Epitome of Sadness

miemie.3e: hay
miemie.3e is busy.
miemie.3e: who r ya ???
Swe: don't know.. u're the one who added me
miemie.3e: hote lo lar ??
Swe: um duh
if i know who u are, i'd be able to tell u right now
which i didn't
which indicates that i have no idea who you are
simple maths
miemie.3e: ok ok
intro plss ???
Swe: ummm where do i start
last time i checked, i'm quite of a human being
lol
miemie.3e: asl ???
Swe: why don't i make it easy for u? since i don't know who you are and you have no idea who i am, let's delete each other off.. i'm sure u're a nice person but i'd love to keep my gtalk for people i know :)
hope i don't come across as being rude
miemie.3e: do u realli wanna delete ???
Swe: if u were someone i know, i wouldn't want to but i'm pretty sure i can live iwth deleting some unknown users
anyways, nice to meet you. hope u have a great day
peace
miemie.3e: kk
ur wish :)
Swe: not my wish.. just that i wish someone would add with the decency of knowing who they're adding

P.S. fuck privacy.. people like this miemie.3e was so asking for this when she added me.... this is what u get for adding strangers, dumb face!

One Month

Today marks the day I took a risk one month ago. Someone who I haven't met yet felt the deepest love for and I met three months ago and we made it official exactly a month ago. It's been a big rollercoaster ride and despite the stress and frustration we both have been through because of jealousy, insecurity or plain stupid assumptions, I would totally go through them again just cos it's been a fun ride.

I've shown him what I haven't shown for four years since I broke up with Simon. I have questioned everyday why he has accepted me. Why is this man doing the exact crazy thing that I'm doing? What's gonna happen to both of us? What is it gonna lead to? I guess it's gonna show in March when he comes over.

I have always wanted a man who I could love and with Craig, I doubt that I would ever stop loving him despite the dodgy way of meeting him..

I guess I could say 'you had me at friend request invitation'.

Love you boo and happy one month !

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Everyone's not really aware of movies made by actors until they get major popular, dies or if anyone ever checks out imdb and care to look for the movies from their favorite actors. I never knew Chris Pine had a movie called "Carriers" until I find myself renting that DVD, just cos he's hot. Cheap, eh?

What was supposed to be a total annoying blocker for my life from Craig's internet chats turned out to be quite a fun trip to Ngwe Saung, the beach, and somewhat reflectory. It's true I am a friendly guy at work and it's true a lot of my workmates know me but I work on level 0 in a room which is big enough to fit five to six people on my own. So, the whole office doesn't see me much.

The trip, despite its purpose for workshops, turns out to be more of a 'get to know' routine for me. I do know them and it's easy for me to appreciate or like any of my colleagues, be they in my project or other projects. Yet, it's amazing how a LOT OF them end up with "I never thought"s.

I don't know what type of first impressions I give to these people but a lot of them has come up with pretty interesting comments. The following statements are followed by "I never thought you'd be this type".

1. Just so it happened, I could not drink alcohol and one of the days on the trip turned out to be my vegetarian day, which is part of the eighty one buddhism rosary beads ritual, where I do NOT drink for 81 days and do rosary beads everyday and be vegetarian for nine days. A lot of the girls from the other project started to realize how I'm quite ok with religion. So, I guess their first impression would have been me, this Buddhist who don't know shit about religion.

2. This is quite common in the office. Despite my sense of humor and my 'facial expressions' easy face, a lot of my colleagues end up thinking I'm the serious type. Maybe cos I wear ties? Maybe cos I walk straight and prance around like I'm a busy secretary? But, for some funny reason, they don't know how much of a goofball I actually am. Now, this made a lot of my colleagues easy to communicate with me.

3. I'm a Burmese and I'm damn proud of it. Yes, it's true I whinge about how some Burmese could be a pain in the ass.. how some are so stubborn and stupid. This does NOT make me hate Burmese. In fact, I am one and just because I grew up somewhere, my big boss's boss(Dr W) was surprised that I could eat rice salad with chilli and Burmese tea for dinner.

4. I guess everyone in the office knows that I'm gay and they should by now given I joke about it 24 7. It's not insecure but I like to call it the modesty humor where you pay yourself out on a minority scale just to make others laugh. Yet, everyone's curious and quite keen to know what type. "You don't dress like a girl?" "You don't like girly men?" "Do you enjoy sex?" "Do you cross dress?" Boy!! Burma don't know a goddamn thing about various types of gay men!!!

So, I guess I could say six months of working with these people has finally paid off in the socializing department. Now, I have become somewhat acceptable and I guess any curiosity or talks behind my backs would be totally boring by now since I guess I like to dwell on what I believe I can be, and not what I am trying to be. "You have come a long way, baby"... Yep, I have and nope , this isn't the end of a phase yet. Now that they know me better at work, let's see how they deal with this boy.

Four Musketeers

So, at work, we have this round gathering of four musketeers. Four Burmese chicks, who always group up for lunch and they all would remind me of three witches from Macbeth.
"Trouble trouble cauldron bubbles..."
Call it intimidation but I find it hard to see them as 'cool'. I mean, they have good style and all that but it's just the whole non-socializing factor they have. I even have names for them. How cute, eh?
We have the sibling of that skullhead from Tales from the Crypt. "The Crypt Keeper's sister (CKS)"
We have one who speaks less. Not only does she not speak english but also burmese. "Mute"
We have the shy one who's married. Contradict much? "Rocker Nun"
We have the one with the weird name "The Outsider"

All of that changed today.
It was the briyani fest (some indian chicken rice that someone treated the whole office). We happened to sit together and these four gorgeous ladies are actually cool. I could just talk about anything with them regardless of them knowing me or not. I'm so glad I'm going to the conference trip this weekend with work. It'll be lovely to fuse with these four musketeers.

Now I call them
"The Classy Silencer"
"My Sister's Friend" (yeah, Mute is actually a friend of my sister's)
"The Not so Shy One"
"My Diet Teacher"

Awwwwww bless!

Solar Eclipse

The solar eclipse was yesterday. I love it how some series on TV or any fiction books make sense or just have a bit of truth in them. In Heroes, all of the people with special power lost their abilities during the solar eclipse. My granddad was telling me how the solar system would be affected by this eclipse and since some of the astrologers depend on stars reading to read your future, it somehow has some affect on whatever he said before the solar eclipse about your future. For some, it's even the opposite of the prediction.

So, most of what my fortuneteller said came true during the end of last year but since the eclipse, my whole has been nothing but shit and it's only been one day.

It's a Sunday and I had to come to work because my Boss had to go somewhere, a birthday party. I was asked to do part of her work, which I intervened while she's at it more than halfway through. I don't mind doing things for her since I was not that busy but I did not like the fact that I had to do something she was doing, especially when she's one pedentic boss. It makes me feel like my work would never match up hers. So, I kinda tried but she found out I wasn't doing much so she ended up staying and missing her birthday. She didn't mind but I felt so guilty and useless.

Talk with Craig went sidetracked today for his ex. I was so insecure and sad that he would say bad things about his ex and before you know it, he started saying things like 'my ex who's my best friend likes u'. So, what am I to think of him? I have always wanted to be a friend of his ex but I guess him doing this only made me just get all insecure and stupid. I mean, who would wanna be friends with an ex who was bad to your boyfriend? Sometimes I wish Craig would not have told me things about his ex, especially bad ones, but then again, I like reading him type. I like to get to know him. So, I failed to reason fairly and started piling causes on my insecurity, which was stupid. It doesn't even help that he went offline while I was talking to Moby, before I got the chance to type brb. I rather I don't think much than to have him all sad or angry because of me. Don't get me wrong. I trust Craig and I love him so much but at times, the scars from the past do remind us that the past is real.

I guess I just felt alone. It's not easy stepping into your boyfriend's world but then again, for a boyfriend who's coming all the way to Burma for you, you just have to balance things out, I guess.

After that, I went out with DoubleA and his wife because one of our mutual friends was back from Singapore. I ate so much and I smoked. I wasn't proud of it and I shouldn't be. Because I ended up awake at 2am and 3am, thinking I was gonna die from my stomachache. It was the worst I have had and I couldn't sleep. It was also followed up by vommit in the morning and more diarrhoea.

The sad truth is... no matter how strong I am physically, once someone stresses me out or make me worry, I get stomach problems. I would get stomach aches and stomach cramps. I guess it was also the food I ate, I was not able to digest and all I wanted to do was just make it go away.

The Burmese In Me

I find it hard to convince anyone that I'm actually a very Burmese person. Despite the way I dress, talk or deal with things, I find it quite hard to ignore the best things about Burma. We had a meeting today, to which I was sure I should not have been invited since it has hardly anything to do with me, but after the meeting, my Boss took me to Shwedagon Pagoda. I never knew the night market down the pagoda was actually Bahan and it was fun to walk around, given I was surrounded by Burmese food and fruit vendors; there's something about markets that make me smile.

So, while we were up at the pagoda, Boss pretended to be Craig to practise my 'tourguide' ability, which was an epic fail cos I suck at Burmese history, or any history might I add. So, I guess it's back to my studies with a huge book of Burmese history. Despite the fact that I'm not an almighty Buddhist, it's always a good feeling to be able to go to the pagoda. Serenity at its best and nighttime breeze are just one hell of a good combo to make my evening awesome.

The climb up the stairs was pretty interesting since there was this kid who was begging me to buy this plastic bag off him so that I could put my shoes. I didn't want to. I don't even have small notes and I would've given the notes to him regardless of the plastic bag, which was going to be in the way anyways. I took my shoes off and he grabbed my shoes and put it in his plastic bag. I asked him to give it back, at first politely then I started to yell. He got all freaked out and gave me back my shoes. I told him "I told you already that I would give you the notes if I've got any small ones"

The way down was just me pigging out. We stopped by at the pigs' insides vendor. I was so hungry I had to eat while my boss watched while sipping on her sugarcane drink. Then, she started asking questions to the vendor, which automatically set me up as a translator.

Me+Boss: how old are you?
vendor: 21 (btw, it's a girl vendor)
M+B: Is there a cow's version of this shop?
vendor: Yeah, but it's not as many as pig shops.
M+B: Why not?
vendor: cos people enjoy eating pigs more.
M+B: How about chicken?
vendor: Yeah but that's even more rare than the cow's.
M+B: So, do you end up using all the pig's insides?
vendor: yeah.

Then I got in between..

Me: How about pigs' dicks and vaginas?
vendor: Yeah but I don't sell it.

Then, Boss got interested.

M+B: So how do you eat the pig's penis?
vendor: *giggles*
M+B: Do you slice it or eat it whole?
vendor: sliced
M+B: How big is it?
vendor: *awkward chuckle*

Then, while buying some other food, I found my old friend. Mr shoe snatcher. Now, he was scared to make a move on me. He didn't talk but he looked at me. Then, he kept following me. I took out a 200 kyats note and gave him that. I told him "See I told you I'd give it to you when/if I get it. Stop asking for things repititively .. it'll piss people off. But I'm gonna give you this for your persistence." I had one rose in my hand as well, the unused flower of boss's since she was putting some nine roses to the pagoda. I gave it to this little kid and she tried to break it. Then her mother grabbed it from her and smiled at me, looked at me and asked me if she could wear it in her hair. I smiled and said 'if it makes you look better, go for it'. She smiled back.

Burmese people.. despite their poverty and whinges, I love their smile. It makes my day.

Youth

I guess I was wrong about 'cool' people or 'supposedly cool' people. When I first got here, I totally flipped out a big bitchfest about socialites in Burma. I mean, it's true.. I still think they're pathetic. But come to think of it, I must have been like that if I were their age at this time in life. Things change and all you gotta do is accept. It's kinda like your ex can't love you anymore. Things change and you have to accept it.

Last night, I was at a party where Hkunie had to DJ at. It was at Ginki's and I was not looking forward to going there since I don't really know or like the birthday girl. Well, I don't hate her but I just have this feeling that I'm not a part of her crowd, so I wanna not have to do anything with her. I guess I've been immature all my life about these kids. They're mature enough to mingle and chuck a few convo or two, while I have always been insecure about myself around them.

Sadly, it is the rebellious black eyelined minoritied loser bunch from teenage flicks phase that I am going through. Just because I see myself as someone who cannot spend as much as them, I like to set myself in a circle that keeps me away from them. I dated this American soldier, Brad, once. He told me never put yourself in a circle or have anything out of your league. I guess that was how I got Craig. He's way hotter than any of those guys I would have ever allowed myself to move forward to chuck a one liner or few talks in pubs. I guess I gave it a go and it worked. Thanks Brad I guess!!

So, last night, despite me being in my own little bubble, I enjoyed watching them kids enjoy it. Birthday girl turned 22 and she's one of these 'in between' friends-glue when it comes to age gaps; she's friends with people like us and also with those younger than her. It was also fun to just chill and watch them socialize. Funny how years change the way we do things. Back when I was 22, the whole 'Gossip Girl' socializing scene wasn't much of an IN thing. Now, you've got all these kids dressed up (as opposed to baggy jeans and big daggy clothes), all cologned and all just having a blast with a spoonful of diplomacy and partial maturity. They remind me of little men or little women as opposed to kids or grown immature old people.

I don't know.. after tonight, I got to love these kids. I think we, older people, should learn from them since these kids are the leader of this so called Gen Y. Androgyny, weed, drugs and hip hop music... they're not bad people after all. They're just enjoying their age as well as I would have when/if I were at their age in life.

I'm pretty sure I was this wet blanket old guy sitting in the club, but they'd find it hard to wonder why I was smiling the whole time.

Transformation

I love to rant and I love it more when I could be there for rants from other people. But at times, it makes me sick especially when people take too much advantage of your time for them. It even sucks more when I can't get myself down to their levels to empathize.

I haven't had anyone chucking bad rants at me this year luckily. I kinda thought about my life. I was talking to my knitting friend about our lives and it suddenly striked me how boring I've become. She's so full of life and she is like me last year. I like to think I'm getting more mature but on the other hand, she's always come across as someone who's mature. I guess I have, indeed, become boring.

When I started work, I was a clown. Everyone loves me for the center of attention I like to fish out of them. It's a give and take of cheeky lightweight insults or just plain pay outs. Then, I stopped. I can't really see myself doing that now a days. I don't know why. I am not even sure if it's for good or bad purposes.

Nonetheless, being in Burma has made me so much, if not better, more stable. Drama seems more than a one nite stand potential failing to appear in front of your apartment in one hour, love seems more than a compliment about your accent and a successful one liner in gay pubs and friends seem more than those who just wanna coffee with you to have a rant.

I am not saying my life in Burma rules. In fact, it's just so dramatic that I've begun to be more stable and steady when things go bad. How bad can it be? What would be the purpose of making a huge scene outta it?

In the midst of sanity, I have acquaintances who, after their 'more than one year' of marriage, still put lovey dovey statuses on gtalk. Despite its supposed beauty, knowing this girl, it's just disgusting. How insecure can you be? And it's not like both she and her hubby have been faithful to each other before their marriage. Maybe their marriage saved their asses but why go on about something that's too last year prada shoes to appreciate? It's more of a 'omg I should write something to make sure people think I'm having a good relationship with my husband when atually I'm very insecure about our future.'

The Closet Handshake

Every Monday seems to be an interesting day. Despite the start of a week, Mondays never managed to lose its flow in amazing me. Today marks the date of my dad's death once again. As per usual, the 'going to monastery and cemetery' ritual continues. I'm getting too used to it to bother.

So, since Craig is planning to come to Burma in March, I feel this great urge to want to come out to my grandparents. Somehow, I know direct conversations won't do wonders here. So, this was how the conversation during breakfast went.

Me: So, I want to ask you guys a hypothetical question. You know how you have aims and goals for your kids. Have you got any for me?
Gramps(both): What do you mean?
Me: You know, like I must be this perfect son with a perfect life.
Grandad(GD): No one's perfect.
Me: Good. You might as well know that I am not perfect.
Grandma(GM): We don't want you to be perfect either.
Me: Well, now that my album's gonna be out soon, you're aware of rumors and gossips coming in. Are you ready to take in news?
GM: What news?
Me: You know. Things you don't wanna hear about.
*silence*
Me: Remember back when I first worked on my first album, UKM(my mentor) told me how we should not be moved or influenced by things we hear in the industry?
GM: Wow, I'm really happy you remembered that.
Me: Yeah, as long as you remember things like that. I know I'm not that bad of a child but I can tell you now that I haven't been doing the right thing. And by right thing, it can be something that seems ok to be wrong but mostly seen as a right thing due to being close minded people.
GM: Well, I married your grandpa and not a lot of people approved of it but we struggled and we seem to be doing well.
Me: Yeah and as your grandson I tend to do the same. Will you be there for me?
GM: I won't stand beside you to encourage you but I will not be surprised or be influenced and of course I'll love you still as my own grandson. It's not my duty to tell you what's right or wrong when you, yourself, cannot really agree with those terms.

So, the conversation continued in the bedroom.

Me: Do you know that there is only one person who fully knows me? (referring to my aunt in LA who knows of my homosexuality)
GM: I know. It's your aunt.
Me: That's good to know.
GM: Of course I know. And I don't think you need to go around telling people that you're doing a wrong thing when you claim it yourself that you're not doing the wrong thing.

I knew it!! So, they both did know of my closet case. These conversations prolonged to Craig.

Me: So, I have a friend coming at the end of March and I want to send him to Bagan and how long does the car trip take?
GD: Why take a car? It's gonna be one whole day.
Me: I can't afford airfares.
GM: You should be a good host to guests though.
Me: Well, is car that bad?
GM: Nah.. we'll pay for it. Go by air.
Me: Hotel?
GD: We'll pay for that as well..

So, yeah... it's not so bad negotiating. There's a secret invisible handshake between my grandparents and me. They might know I'm gay but let's just say they do also know that I'm quite comfortable with it. As for Craig, I love him so I was more than happy to give him a treat.

20 Hours Day

They said I would get picked up at 4am but the car was there since 3:30am. So I went to work grumpily. The worst thing was that I forgot my harddrive which I copied a lot of work-related files onto, in order to be able to work at Nay Pyi Daw. I know it's the most workaholic thing to do, to work on two things at once when you're not asked to, but I like to get things done I guess. Moby(Big Boss) was impressed though so we had to go to KC's house, where I forgot my harrdive at, at around 4:45am to get it. It went uphill from that.

I think rewards motivate me. I would do anything if I'm guaranteed to be praised after I get it done. I was working hard despite my two hours sleep. I was pretty happy to find out that I was not the only one who lost sleep the night before, given I was able to spot two people, dozing off during the meeting. It was fun to predict who's gonna be next. I couldn't even think of sleeping since my fingers were connected to my ears. Minute taker... *sigh* hate that job! I love other stuffs but minute taking is something I really hate.

It was such a long day and let alone the buzzer fan or whatever you call it (the fan that spins around an airplane) made this huge ass buzz while I was on the airplane (it did not help that I was sitting right next to it), the trip back was by car and it was just tiring. I got to talk with boss and the gaydude(the gay guy in our office) on the ride home though. It was awesome since I was comfortable with both of them and I do love them both for being so awesome and nice to me at work. We stopped for dinner and that was when I saw this signboard of this dude, who donated some money to the food shop. An author with the same name with my granddad and also whose story appeared in the journal my granddad worked at, I was positively sure it was my granddad. So I took a pic of that. Did I also mention that I called him from Nay Pyi Daw at 2pm (although I was supposed to be pissed off with him) to wish him good luck for his book launch; yes, his book got published today.

It was the most tiring yet fun trip, given I've been to Nay Pyi Daw now and I'm officially the 'assistant analyst', and no more an 'assistant' at work. Now, I gotta beautify my resume once again.

Rain On My Parade

Just as I was gearing myself up for a better year with nothing but good shit and just as I had a pretty awesome day, everything just totally crumbled today. Work was fine but it was after work that got me into serious depression. I went to the gym and I had to go and work on my album with KC until midnight, given I have to wake up at 3am since work was going to Nay Pyi Daw for a consultation and the check in time at the domestic airport was 4:30am. The worse thing was how we were to reach home by around 10pm, since we were going to be taking a car ride back home as opposed to the airplane.

Things got worse when I was asked to pick up my grandparents from a party on my way to the studio. I know it's quite an overreaction but I got so angry at the fact that my grandmother was a bit tipsy and their 'goodbyes' with everyone at the party wasted 45 minutes of my time at the studio. These days, time means a lot to me and I try to fit everything all at once. It hurts even more when I whinged at my granddad about me being late and he said "Just be happy that we're taking you there".

Now, I know I sound like a brat when I say things like that but let's think again.
1. I offer to take taxis whenever I want but still my gramps insist they take me back or send me anywhere with our house car.
2. I took driving lessons but why the fuck would I need it if they don't trust me with the car at home.
3. I want to NOT have to wait for anything and do things my own way.

Thinking of these made me think even more...
1. I want my own room and my gramps insisted on me sleeping in their room because they don't wanna miss having me around.
2. They stare and look at me everytime I eat breakfast and they would make an excuse to come into their room whenever I come back home.

I know my boss said how I will miss having such caring people around me once they're gone but it just came to the point where I think they don't love me. They just love themselves. They love me because loving me makes them happy. This totally made me end my life since to be honest, I was a suicide attempt addict. The worse thing is the fact that I am taking care of mom and sis. Mom don't know I'm gay and sis hates me for being gay and thinks I should NOT tell mom. Why the fuck do I exist at all?

It all boils down to Craig.
I still wanna know how it would feel like to be with him.

So, I refrained. No suicide this time.

Come To Terms

Firstly, let me just clarify that I do have a blog and I only give it away to those I think would actually be interested in reading it. Ironically, you could actually just google part of these sentences and you got yourself a direct link to my actual blog address. So, why is this entry on facebook? In addition to this entry not having anyone I bitch about, I guess this is something I would regret not having shared with those who likes to read or just think cos you never know what's gonna happen to me for every 'tomorrow's that you could think of.

Late bloomer. I see myself as a late bloomer and this is probably the main reason I am writing this only five days later. Yes, fireworks happened and some people ended up too drunk to notice if they were actually kissing a beer bottle or their partners but here I am, celebrating the new year with a recognition. Everyone of us are stubborn and that would fog up any clarity that life actually have. Some people ask why but little do they know that the answer was always there for them, if not for their stubbornness being a bit of a roadblock in their heads.

Today was a good day. For once, I felt good and I felt like I have totally fit myself in with the system. I woke up early and prayed in front of a shrine, as opposed to doing rosary beads on the car on my way to work. I ate breakfast without fearing any calories intake would make me look like a car tyre if my body's placed horizontally. I went to work and god, I felt so fresh seeing my colleagues at work; new haircuts or just the same old them but the morning was spent pretty much with a lot of us saying "Happy New Year" for umpteenth time. I talked with my partner online without feeling like I don't know him at all and with a bit of a more casual talk rather than 'what have you been doing with who?'; the fact is, if he loves me, it'll happen and for now, I choose to believe it. I went to gym after work and got myself a trainer and it was fun to see that my stomach was actually 40 inches wide, as opposed to the 'thirty fours' sized pants that I could easily fit into; it's crazy how I can fit into an American 30 and it's even crazier to know that that comes from a country where they have "Supersizing" in their McDonald's. Did I mention I ate lunch? I had two dishes and I ate dessert to the point where my boss asked me to go on diet so she could pay me out whenever I chucked the "I'm on a diet" line, with which she would normally probe whenever I would be eating something. I came home and had salad for dinner with my grandparents and we talked like we never used to before. It's been a while and I got to watch an Adam Sandler flick after dinner.

I guess this year brings me the act of 'being in terms with'.

I'm 28 and it's hard to feel simply honestly happy when everything around me is much more complex than Amy Winehouse's beehive. I love the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou, where she sang "there's beauty in breakdown". It did make me think what she actually meant but I guess, today, I found out that it's just the act of 'coming in terms with'.

My dad died when I was 19. I thought I played it cool. To be honest, I became louder, happier and just more awesome and cool in the socializing game. It was partially fear since this would make me dadless and I don't really have a man figure to kind of follow. So I guess I got busy finding my own route to maturity. As a normal human being, I don't really expect myself to find that 'maturity' level, given there are many ways to look at any single word off a dictionary. That's why religious wars happen! People are just too different to have an honest same level agreement in life. I guess, my dad's death had made me question "Why him?". It's funny how some of my friends think that I don't really like my dad. Well, I don't talk much about him. This was not because I could break down and cry.. like come on, it's been more than a decade and he's just dust now. I guess I just don't like to talk about him much because he was a perfect man. He did have his flaws here and there and I'm sure as a normal mid-aged wife, my mom would sarcastically chuck a stand up comedy on these flaws one by one. My life was followed by insecurity. I had suicide attempts, my sexuality was abnormal, I had secrets with my family and I have failed to express myself more to anyone I trust. Why? Because I was scared of not following up to his footsteps. I wanted to be as good as him and given there won't be him anymore on planet Earth, i guess I have always been finding my own very ways to clarify what's right or wrong in life.

Looking at my life now, I have a mom and sister who's not near me and for whom I have come back to Burma for. Mom does not know that my partner's a man. My sister does not approve of me telling it to anyone and my grandparents are pretty much in denial. My reaction? Meh. I've come in terms with it and it's just not worth solving and I guess some issues in life are just better left alone and they're pretty much easier to adapt yourself to than to make the others adapt to your way of thinking. I hate labels and the only reason I have ever used the word 'gay' is whenever I need to find me someone who would KNOW that I could easily be flirting with him, unless he is not into same gender sex. Now that I've got myself a partner, I do not really find the need to use that term anymore. Don't get me wrong. I support gay rights, I love Harvey Milk, I take pride in Mardi Gras and I still think Kitty Glitter and Charisma Belle are two gorgeous people. However, I have come to terms with the fact that I am just a person who likes to sleep with anyone I love and it just so happened that that person at the moment owns a schlong. Not my problem, guys!!!

I have also proved myself that I can have one flawless day. This will never measure up to what my dad was when he was alive but I am glad that I could at least live a day of his life and could kinda see myself more fitted into his 'son' category. It's a cop out to be honest. "Sorry dad, I fuck men but look, I just had a perfect day as you would easily do."

I have done so many things in 2009 that are not suitably acceptable but there are just so many little things that I have also done to be proud of. I buried a lot of hatchets and I totally respect those people who got back into my life regardless of the level of disagreement between us. I was exposed to Buddhism just like I was exposed to Oxford Street when I first got to Sydney. Yeah yeah, some of you might find me wrong to compare my religion to a pride street in Sydney but seriously, it's the act. It's how people come in terms with stuffs. I have grown to be able to smile proud calling myself a Buddhist and also a homo and might I add, I would love to be the one who would be giving close minded people the weird look. It's Generation Y, darls... shouldn't you be into androgyny yourself?

I hate reading long passages and if I have to be considerate on readers' behalf, I'm gonna stop here. I guess you could see this blog entry as a show off, despite the fact that it sounds better than one of my friends whose status would revolve around how good her lovelife is despite the yonks and cobwebbed time passed. Yes, it's good to love someone but it's also a bit weird when you act like everyday is your first. You don't give your teacher an apple in high school, babe. I guess this blog entry is a bit of a 'hey I just realized something to make all of our lives so much easier. Get with it or discard the idea". I am not the proud founder of this method of 'getting in terms with things'. I am only someone who's seen it flash in front of my eyes today. You could either relate or criticize.

So, what is this gonna be for you? Would you 'come in terms' with the flaws you see in me? Have a think and make sure you stick to your decisions 'cos there's nothing worse than an aged person crying out of regret. :D

NOTE: This entry was never published on facebook... just don't really find the need to :)

Critiques

When I was directing Med Revue, it was kinda important to have critiques. We had two days where the ex revuers would come in and watch our show. Given it's charity based, it was important to be able to sell to a large amount of audiences and ticketing strategy was somewhat quite highly considered. All in all, it was to have a good show and not some one man show where only one would think it's awesome while the others would be 'meh it's ok'. Honest and experienced, the ex revuers did tell us that it was not compulsory to take their two cents. We could either use it or ignore it. We had a semi discussion with the execs, then it was passed on to the cast members, which we were proud of.

Now, when my album is concerned, it seems like a different activity. Given I am not doing it for fame nor money, I find it quite unnecessary to make sure most of my songs kinda lean on Burmese fans' tastes. In a country where Korean RnB and J-pop and four chorded looped songs top the chart, my songs, inspired by Timbaland and Kanye, would be a hit or miss. The audience would either treat them like a new thing and love it or just not understand them and hate it.

So, after Hkunie's honest critiques, which totally I accepted, it was KP's turn. He got to listen to my songs yesterday and he mentioned how my lyrics need a lot of improvements. He said it was ok to let go on most of the songs except the song about dad. It's true though. You got a song for dad, a very cheesy "O my dad died bla bla" song. And in order to make sure that song gets into the fans' heads, you gotta make sure you use the jargons and terminology flow used mainly among the audiences. So, I've decided to put the 'dad' song in English only, given it was originally written in English.

Now, I love KP and Hkunie for their critiques but somehow I felt affected. I feel like I lost my goal. I don't know why I'm doing this album for anymore. I kinda feel like 'if it's critiqued heavily, why am I still stubborn enough to continue?'. I think the critiques were useful.

At the same time, my diet pills have totally shut down my voice and I can't even carry a tune anymore. So, I have decided to live healthy once again which is kinda good but god I'd hate to be fat.

However, it can't be helped how small one feels towards the decline of his talent and the level of acceptance with the norm.

The Cafe

So, let me introduce you to the world of Internet cafes in Burma. Not only can you call your boyfriend at a cheaper price, preferably landline, or play farmville with better speed, but you can also get to learn a lot about life.

There's this one lady who always calls her son, who, I'm assuming, is studying oversea. She would always be doing some voodoo shit. Ok, that's not a good word. Sometimes, some fortuneteller could ask you to do some stuffs in order to strengthen the luck. So, she'd be saying things like "Oh, I've done what the fortuneteller asked me to.. make sure you drop that apple from the eastern side of the river and make sure you burn a piece of paper afterwards".

There's this other man who KEPT asking her daughter for money. "Oh, I need more, baby. I used up all those you gave me last time. Yes, I got it. No, I'm sure they did not take any money in between."

There was also this girl who started shouting her ass off while she was chatting with her headphone, which then turned into a cry. Cry as in sniff sniff gasp gasp cry cry. Not just a normal cry. It's not a Forrest Gump cry when his girlfriend died. And, one of the staff at the cafe IMed me going "she's crying but she's playing mahjong online at the same time". I checked. It was true. She was crying, cussing on top of her head about some stuffs but playing mahjong.. and might I add, scoring well.

There are also some multi-language people. Some wives who check on their husbands. Some kids who are being forced by one of their parents to videochat with the other parent on the puter screen.

Awwww.. I feel normal for having Craig. Despite virutality exposure, I guess it's the next phonebooth in town!!!

Commercialized

I'm kinda happy I got friends like Hkunie. Not only is he the father of an adorable baby boy I would hold on so dear, but he's really honest with his critiques. He is a rapper and I have asked him to rap in one of my songs and I have given him nine songs to choose from which he wants to rap for. I went over to his place today.

So, he gave me a two hours lecture on how I have been avoiding the chance to be popular. Apparently, he said despite my effort to make the songs sound hip and mainstream, I have been making the lyrics and the melodies difficult for the fans to sing with.

I know what he means. I guess it is also the artists I have been getting influences and inspirations from as well. As someone who does not really dig the mainstream yet listen to a lot of it, I have grown to liking artists like Jason Mraz or Fiona Apple, though I try to make music like Britney. That's my other weakness too. I should be
listening to Jarimiah or Jay Sean as opposed to Britney as well.

It's true actually. My songs are quite sexually toned with a fix of feminine vibe and I guess the lyrics run around the bush as to telling the fans what the fuck I'm singing about.

It's nice to have someone like Hkunie to talk sense into my ears. But as we are all born hypocrites, I end up doing what I feel and what I want and isn't music all about what you want. Knowing piracy reigns Burma now and how the market is dropping off, I am actually working on this album just for the talent and passion sake. I guess Hkunie wants me to be liked or appreciated more.

So, I've got two more songs to write and Hkunie told me they'd better be mainstream.

I Won't Cry for Yesterday, There's an Ordinary World

Sandra Bullock, I guess she's an actress who makes me watch a movie I would not normally watch but then I would watch it just because of her and would end up loving the movie anyways. So, in this movie, she is a crossword maker. There actually is a word for it but I have no recollection of how it's spelt. There's this saying in the movie where she compare 'solving a crossword' with how we try to solve our issues in life. She got excited when she was telling her friends about how doing a crossword always have a solution and to get it, it drives people crazy or just to keep doing it until they get it. She mentioned something about how we would all never know the solution unless we solve it.

It's January 1st, 2010. Let's take a look at my life just for one honest moment here. Without any sugar toppings, let's be real.

- I am still awaiting a permanent residence application approval from Australia, which is undergoing a complete PR application halt, where the economical recessions had totally plunged down the number of people they were going to give the PR away.
- I have totally committed myself to a guy I've never met and only talked to online, with self justifications and today, I sent him an email with twelve vows saying I would make things work.
- I'm still sleeping in my grandparents' room and I am truly embarassed to have friends over because because of the Nargis cyclone, my room was washed away. My computer was donated to an orphanage and I would not even know where to start if I wanted to fix my satellite cable plugs onto two video sets that don't even function. Not to mention the amount of energy I would have to argue with my uncle over the channel position he changes the satellite position to.
- I have two more months left of work contract that pays me 100 bucks per month to spend on because I give 200 away to mom and I guess with the 100 left, it's either my gramps or some charity.
- I am a recovering artist who was absent from the industry for six years and despite the declined number of fans and any record labels that would want me back for a full album, I have signed myself to a compilation album and also working on an album I arranged, composed, produced and spent (well it's my grandparents' money). I have to thank my friends for pro bono collaborations. I guess saving a mediocre artist who had started a trend years prior its popularity is somewhat charitable and I guess this sifts out my true friends.
- I miss my mom and sister, who had to go somewhere far away from her husband for her safety. Cussed at and abused verbally by a guy who is younger than me and who was my sister's husband (and still is legally), and most importantly who I have spent buying perfume on and totally dedicated myself to interact with him like a big brother figure doesn't seem right. Even worse that I was given a threat that I was going to be killed by him. In short, for my sister's sanity and the fact that Burmese law does not allow a wife to file a divorce case unless the husband agrees. One option left would be staying away from the husband for at least three years, and I guess that is what we are all trying to do.
- My grandparents don't know I'm gay. My mom is in denial, I assume. My sister hates the fact that I am gay. Only my aunty knows I'm gay and I have to say that's the only support I get from my family for my homosexuality. I just thought the number 'six' was a good number for number of issues in my life. Regardless, I cannot be fucked on who knows what about me liking dicks. Aren't they just organs anyways?

Cause and effect! I guess these were all the solutions to what the causes were in 2009 and I would like to say I am not in the pits, given I have no right to see this whole situation as the most devastating thing in my life when 1. this is not my last day and 2. there are far worse things happening to people in reality. However, at times, I do feel a sense of hopelessness.... but I guess this year would bring solutions or at least some path of clarity to these complex scenarios. I believe that something bad always leads to something good. I guess, with the help of that and Oprah's 'universe' theory, I am pretty sure I can survive this year.

I mean, it sucks not to find the solutions when you're more than half ways rubbing out or white-outing your answers on the crossword puzzles.