Meant to be

As my final assignment in a philosophy class back in the ‘almost’ final year of my uni, I took on the subject regarding the resemblance of a human’s mind with the computer. I’m not sure if this is predictable but I took the side of its positivity, the mighty possible scenario ever.

I believe that most jokes derive from reality. Ghost movies derive from the actual spiritual world that exists. Myths and urban legends are just an exaggerated derivation of a possible truth. Using a computer, which is made by human beings in order to channel the abilities of a human but yet also have to be maintained by humans. In reality, most of us think that our feelings and emotions are unpredictably unsafe to be taken control of by others. Most of us think the world is our stage but little do we know that every inch and motion of our body is caused or motivated by our surroundings, which in another word, maintained by other human beings. Thus, when people say a computer is not a human being, they might want to think again according to the point I just made.

Limitations are always there though. When you have a program that has been coded by the programmer, he knows of what it is to do and the functions of this program has a lifespan and unmet conditions, which are only to be met under certain circumstances. Likewise, we, humans, do have our limitations where nothing is controllable or affected. It seems like everything we are doing on this planet Earth has been created and laid down as plans for us. Some call it religion. Some call it creation. Some call it cause. I call it ‘plan’.

As much as I would love to react to my surroundings on my own account occasionally, I have reached the point where I am able to open my mind up to accept the fact that everything was meant to happen and we cannot go around wasting time for justifications.

My dad died when I was 19 and that would be the ultimate sacrifice I had to take to be the responsible man of the family, which of course I am still working on.

I was meant to get back to Yangon, despite the whole drama of missing my loved ones in Sydney, to learn more about life and responsibilities. If it wasn’t for the experience I am gathering at the moment from work, I would still be selling jeans at Jayjays whilst the economical recession frowns upon me.

I was meant to meet my partner I choose to spend my lifetime with through the most pathetic way ever. Online. Yet, it has captured moments which I would’ve never experienced had I been the same promiscuous of a gay man with so much possibilities to just sleep around and freak men out from lack of security; mind wise and status wise.

Now, I’m forced to think that my partner going cold on me is yet another indicator to another effect. I am truly tired and I have started to not react much to things anymore.

Buddhism says love is encouraged on an empathetic level, yet greed is sinned. As much as I used to be able to love and trust my partner before, I’ve grown tired of having to suffer from the consequences greed has upon me. I believed in fairy tales. I believed in freedom. I believed in cause and effect.

However, tonight… I just believe that things will happen as they’re meant to be. If my partner wants to be with me til death do us part, so be it. If he chooses to leave, so be it. I’ll just sit and wait what the future has in store for me. 24 hours ago, BooMan was the ONLY person on planet Earth who could see the inner feelings I have. It’s over now. I guess it’s not worth having feelings towards things in life when they are part of a plan of ‘meant to be’s.

I feel numb as of now but I know that is the only way for me to stop questioning. Rest in peace, questioning mind. Behold the slave to the life plan. Bring it on and I’ll suffer. Bring it on and I’ll learn. Bring it on and I’ll live. Nothing and no one is number one to me. Everyone is the same.

May the old Hein be forgiven for taking this long to appreciate this newfound beauty of a life plan. Live smart, people! Don’t waste your tears or laughter for anything.

Listening to: 311 - Amber

Weakness vs Patience

I feel bad blogging about this but I just reached a certain threshold in my system where I can’t hold it back any longer. So, the reason why BooMan were being all weird on Saturday was because he was drunk. I get drunk as well but it sucks that I didn’t know stuffs when he’s drunk. I would somehow ALWAYS email him back the day after to tell him I was ok or I was drunk before. Sunday was spent with me and him trying to solve this out, which kinda resulted in a very good ending since both of us popped VZOChat’s cherry and we were doing the whole thing most long distanced lovers do. Cam chat!!! It was cute to see him in his red trucker cap.

Today was just weird once again. He came for a while and he seemed drunk once again and I just had enough. Now, I feel like I’m just stuck in the middle. It seems like he kept winning me over with words and promises he KEEPS giving, which I NEVER EVER checked or expected. I do trust him but all talk and no action just made me a bit angry.

When I’m mad, I ignore people. With him, I cannot ignore. But at the same time, I felt like I was pushed away. Yes, people lose jobs and it’s not suddenly they’ll get new ones. People don’t meet expectations and this is what happens to everyone. I really hate comparing but in the midst of my problematic reality, I felt the urge to ask my psychic tonight if BooMan would find a job soon. On the other end, BooMan has been pretty lazy and not free to go to the tarot to ask about us. It’s not the tarot results that I am interested in but I guess, as much as I do not expect much from him, I feel like it’s really useless at this point to expect anything from him.

I just felt like he was drunk when he chat to me today and he did his infamous either falling asleep or logging off. I’m not a strong person but I soldier on each and every second. Now, if I end up with someone way weaker than me, I might have to reconsider my future despite really loving your partner.

I just wish I could get some action for once instead of words. I think me being there all the time and serving with what I’ve got best kinda spoilt him more into a ‘do whatever I want when I want to but I will get forgiveness after saying I love you’ routine for him. I’m actually very sick of him today. No, I’m not talking about a break up. I’m just in this mood where I can’t really think about BooMan for once in my eight months of relationship life span.

Fuck this!

Listening to: Bjork - Declare independence

Wharfed out memories

Before I began my uni student life in Sydney, I used to go to Inya Lake gazebo and I would go there on my own sometimes to smoke on this floating wharf with my feet in the lake, not really caring what lies beneath. Sometimes, I would go there with my friends and stay there until the guards chase us out. Sometimes, we would try to convince the guards that we stayed at the hotel, which always worked when Steve came with us, given he’s white and talks in English. And who can forget the sprinklers run with me and Dawn. They start the sprinklers at around 7pm and Dawn and I would dash through all of them and race who gets the wettest. The dry one wins of course. We were crazy.

DoubleA and his wife, ChinaGirl and I had brunch in Inya Lake and we raced to the gazebo while it was sprinkling to take some photos. Sadly the wharf was gone. The stairs to the wharf was now half covered but the gazebo was there. It’s funny how certain objects and locations bring so much memory. After so much photos were taken, DoubleA, his wife, ChinaGirl and I headed back to DoubleA’s house to lie in their bed with their cutest Golden Retriever six year old doggy to watch the ‘worst’ Korean horror movie called “Yoga Class”. However, the bad Korean aftertaste was cured after watching “Skeleton Key”, which was one of those clever horror movies with so much twist and a bad ending.

We sent ChinaGirl back. I know now why I used to like her. She’s just very touchy and flirty and now we’re just really good friends. I’m kinda honored that she just wants to hang out with DoubleA, his wife and me and no one else. Sigh. I like catching up with old friends from the past into a newer and better present.

Listening to: Massive Attack - Teardrops

Social Files: The DORM

Who says Saturday nights are not fun when you’re at home? Dancer, NotADancer and BatRobinGirl invited me over for dinner and it was a bit of a change for this social whore on a Saturday night.

It all started in the morning when I went and picked up Dancer for the dance rehearsal for my music video. Not knowing where her room was, I started to climb up the stairs only to be stopped by a large lady in a bright orange dress. Go Go gadget fashion police, I have to say the orange dress caught my eyes and she was nice to let me walk through first; there goes my ‘ladies first’ etiquettes. I asked her for the room of Dancer. And this was what she said.

“If you climb up the stairs, you will see a room with a doormat at the entrance. Now, that’s not ’s house. You have to climb up another stairs and on your left, you will see a door with a wreath of roses at the door. Now, that’s not ’s room. That is my room. Opposite that room is her room.”

Ok, my question that had been running inside my head all along was “How hard was it for you to tell me that Dancer’s room was on the second floor opposite the door with the wreath?”. Thank god I liked her orange dress or else I’d be pretty unhappy about having to listen to her elongated story, which could’ve been summarized in one plain sentence.

Dancer’s room was awesome. She’s such a decorator and she’s made common uninteresting items to look pretty interesting. Old longyees on the walls, old antique chair as her living room collectibles and painted walls, her two roomed apartment room was just one fine place to just stay.

GermanChick, CuteDork and SM showed up to dance and I have to say they did a pretty good job. GermanChick had a hangover and Dancer had to leave an hour earlier, which left me with SM and CuteDork as my guinea pigs. I was happy they both enjoyed it.

I caught up with DoubleA and his wife at Coffee Circle later on, when they told me that there would be a horror movie night and a hangout at the Inya Lake with ChinaGirl, my old crush back in the days when I was pretty convinced that I wasn’t into penis. Coffee Circle was interesting since I ended up being all goofy on BooMan with chat, which resulted as him logging off AGAIN, which was a slap in the face. I couldn’t be fucked anymore and I started to enjoy my time with DoubleA and his wife. Then, one old dude and this REALLY FINE looking guy entered the café and sat right opposite our seats. The hottie and I kept exchanging glares and it was pretty fun even though I had no intention to do anything with him. As one of my friends had mentioned earlier, I was eye raping him. Look but don’t touch but the look itself represent a sharp one liner of any sort. I was assured by DoubleA’s wife that he was also checking me out but then DoubleA spoiled the fun by saying the old man was checking me out as well. Damn it. It was fun. They were both from Thai and I had no idea what they were. A rich old man and an escort? Father and son? Gay couple? Who cares.

The night ended up at the DORM. I called it the dorm cos it was two red buildings where Dancer, NotADancer, BatRobinGirl and all of the teachers from YIS live. Four of us started eating NotADancer’s food, followed by a karaoke session.

I thought the karaoke game we played was pretty clever. First, from their last Halloween costumes bundle, the girls pulled out different stuffs and I ended up with a pink wig. So, the deal here was to sing a song that is kinda represented by the items you end up with. Having a pink wig makes me think of Cher and I ended up mimicking Cher’s Believe. Giggle fest at its best, we then put random numbers and sang in turns. The rule was to keep singing what you could no matter how much you knew the song or not. I ended up with “My Boo”, which was not actually the duet of Usher with Miss Alicia.

With mugs of mojitos, the evening spent with the girls was fun and it was a major change to my usual social style. I guess I’m starting to see the fun in ACTUALLY hanging out with friends, as opposed to circling yourself in a crowd full of friends, potential friends, flirts and frenemies.

It was a good Saturday night!

Listening to: Boys Like Girls - Two is better than one (Feat. Taylor Swift)

FlagGirl’s last day with UNHabitat

It’s kinda weird to encounter three farewells this month. Well, more like three farewell parties for those who work closely to me. ToyBoss, JajaMan and now FlagGirl. There were other farewell parties from other expats, to some of which I was invited to but those don’t count.

I guess FlagGirl’s departure would be a bit of a hard one to swallow. It’s not like I feel like crying my ass off but I was closer to her than I was to JajaMan. She was more of like my colleague and she was just so nice and unboring. I mean, come on, every nice girls have this potential to come out as the most boring people in class and somehow these girls are the types who would come out to the front of the class during show and tell with a piece of paper and claim she has an invisible inked message on it. BORING!!! Yeah, FlagGirl was awesome. She reminds me of one of my friends in high school. A true trooper she was at class but she was as silly and fun as the class clown, whoever it was that time.

If I ever had a microchip inside my body which would totally shock the shit outta me whenever I eat fatty food, I would die of a high voltage electric shock today, which would quite be similar to that of a lightning bolt. I ate like a pig. I swear I was possessed by spirits of some hippos, who might have died of hunger or just some wild boar, who starved to death for some reason. I ate so much.

I was having fun with one of my friends today talking about Maltesers. It was semi mean but my friend came up with this line where she mentioned I could rename Maltesers’ name as an apple product, since I mentioned how every sentences of Maltesers would start with an “I”. And I somehow came up with ‘iBrag’ for her. Technology rocks!

Another funny incident was when BigSis was talking about how one guy on my blog was hot. And then I noticed that she was talking about her boyfriend, CuteDork. At first, I thought she was just being a smartass and joking but then I realized that she thought that it was some other hot guy for real. It was her boyfriend and I guess CuteDork’s makeover was pretty affective, affective enough to make his own girlfriend not remember who he was and taken him wrong for another hot guy.

Got a huge weekend planned and life goes on!

Listening to: Justin Bieber - Never say never (Feat. Jaded Smith)

Free as a bird

Maybe it’s just luck or the right time but I’ve finally convinced the asshole of a brother-in-law (No I don’t mean BooMan’s brother) to let go of my sister. I guess I’ve learnt that anger is not the answer most of the time.

I’ve been threatened to be beaten up or killed by him. My house had been verbally abused, as well as stones thrown at. My grandparents had been verbally abused. My mom had had moments where she had to kneel to get my sister back on track, where the A-hole would just keep shouting at her and convincing my sister to come back to him.

They had a divorce once and they went back together, after he had promised my sis that he would never abuse her physically again and he would treat her right. My sis was the one who was the bread winner of the house and he was just another failure in his university and I have no idea how many years he had been repeating.

One night, my sis rang me up and told me she was at the bakery at the corner of our streets. Never in my life have I seen my sister so messed up. She looked so thin and fragile; she looked so dressed down anyone could mistaken her for any servants in a ‘not that rich’ house. She hung on to her umbrella, her hands shaking. I asked what happened. It so happened that A-hole had bitten her and punched her arms. Now, if you people actually knew how my sister is too skinny, you would know she would be the last person you would wanna punch or abuse. She was just so frail and skinny.

Since that day, I have kept her in my house, then transferred her to my mom (who was then living with her mom) and finally she got a job oversea and she’s living happily with my mom.

Now, during her working time, I suffered the consequences. My grandparents were pride-fucked and no I do NOT blame them. Being old fashioned, pride was just there to stop them from helping again. They had helped during the first break up and they refused to chip in for this time round. That was when I blogged that I came back to Myanmar for a reason. So, I automatically became the messenger.

I got threats via phonecalls. I got told how he’s got spies at my work. There were times when I was not allowed to go out late. After six or more months of this, the A-hole has FINALLY given up, or so I hope. He has finally agreed to have a mutual break up with my sister. Now, all I gotta do is talk to the lawyer and get this done before he changed his mind.

Forgiveness is hard, but at times it’s the only solution to a better life.
I forgave being hard on A-hole for his forgiveness to my sister. He’s still a big asshole in my opinion since I am so against physical abuses, be it men, women or children. Somehow, it’s not worth having so much hatred on someone who I was gonna let go in life. I wish him well and I’m the happiest brother my sister could ever have.

Listening to: Debbie Gibson - Sure

English teachers’ trivia night

Life without JajaMan was kinda weird. As much as I hated having him behind my back at work with my gtalk messages exposed, I miss having him behind me. And it’s not like he’s always checking me up but I used to feel so violated knowing he can see whatever I was doing on my laptop. The connection was as horrible as usual though.

I had a huge fight with my GrandMom today. The initial plan was to go to work late since we had to send the hairdresser (who came to our house to cut my uncle’s hair) back while sending me to work. GrandMom just ASSUMED I wasn’t ready when I was actually praying before I left for work. When I came down to go to the office, as already late as I was, I was so pissed off to see there was no car for me to go to the office with. I just think it’s quite selfish and inconsiderate of her to do whatever she wants, not really caring about how late I was gonna be for work.

The whole plan B for my mom was not actually thought of. I kinda asked my sis if I could go slow and give little by little. I’m gonna be broke for the whole of August and September but god, it would feel good to just get this over with. I hate debts and I think being angry at my mom would be of no use since I’m sure she, herself, already had had a reflective moment with herself on gambling.

I started the English class tonight with the colleagues and surprisingly that was the best part of the day, given I felt happy that I got to help them out with something I was good at. I’ll be giving them English lessons everyday from Monday to Thursday and within one hour everyday, I hope they would be good at speaking English after about .. hmm.. let’s say two months?

I went to 50 street for trivia, where our team got first, with BatRobinGirl and NotADancer, both friends of Dancer, who I got to know when dancing with her last year and who will also be co-choreographing with me for my music video. It was ironic how I hung out with school teachers on the first night I taught English at work. I was glad that I could answer three questions. The green teletubby , the band Oasis with the names of the brothers given and the name of the band “Osmond” with the names of the brothers given. Three questions answered correctly, I felt proud to be part of the winning team who came in first at a trivia on a Wednesday night.

Listening to: Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

Awkward!!!

If today was made into a movie, it would be full of awkward silence. The whole day was just full of awkward silence it was hardly easy to steal a breather.

- JajaMan had two outings, lunch and dinner as his farewell. I kinda felt sorry for him since it wasn’t necessary to actually make someone give that MUCH feasts before he leaves, especially when he cried uncontrollably during his farewell speech. I’m not good with criers. All I could do was just watch him and kinda felt soft and sorry for him. He is a good man after all.

- BooMan called me and most of the phone call was entirely filled with him feeling bad that he could not help me out anymore. A quarter of me was finding it hard to actually solve this problem without BooMan’s help, even though I had a bit of Plan B in my head, but three forth of me was more concerned about how upset BooMan would be after he hung up. So, yes, my awkward panic just disappeared.

- I still find it hard to hang out with Maltesers since she’s been on this guilt tripping spree. Whatever she said to me has been just semi-aimed at me. It all started from me feeling annoyed at her for assuming that I had an issue with her drunkness. First, it was cute to actually tell her the truth that I wasn’t bothered and I was just telling the truth. But it gets worse as she started to assume that her intuitive skills are A plus and that she knows me better than anything. Past few days she had just indirectly having a go at me with smart remarks like ‘you shouldn’t keep your negative feelings inside’ or ‘there’s a good and bad part to a friend’. The actual truth is I am just annoyed at how negative she is towards SUCH a small thing. The truth is I just want to hang out with other people on my own. I never even hated or disliked her. Just find it so awkward to hang out with her since she would just keep on indirectly guilt tripping me like crazy.

- SitarBro’s farewell speech for JajaMan was just awkward. There is a good way to look at it but I didn’t know he was going to be that direct about it. It seems like he didn’t want JajaMan to leave and the dinner felt awkward as well, given we weren’t really sure who was gonna pay for who and what was gonna happen.

The highlight came after the dinner when I decided to go home and leave the national staffs of UNHabitat at a karaoke but as it turned out, I ended up singing with them. The girl who used to sit on my seat in my office, MissMyanmar, and I finally met and we just hit it off. I love her. She could make such a good friend. It’s been a while since I had some positive energied friends around me.

Listening to: Erykah Badu - Window seat

JajaMan’s cozy evening

It was the last week for JajaMan and to be honest, I am gonna miss this guy. He is a good man. Maybe he talks more than necessary. Maybe he’s not as effective as ToyBoss when it comes to technicality. He is a good man nonetheless and it’s a bad feeling to see the boss leave. Given it’s only been around three weeks since I started to work with him.

It’s my sister’s birthday today and I could not get on facebook from the office, not only because the bandwidth was banned but also because connection was just extra horrible. I could’ve finished uploading the newsletters on my web portal ages ago and I could’ve invited a lot of people to the google group but thanks to the weak connection, a two hours job was not done even after a day in the office.

I went to 50 street tonight only cos it was supposed to be JaJaMan’s farewell hangout. There were only a few of us: SitarBro, DoubleN, HandWritress and her hubby. It was quite a cozy farewell but I ended up conversing with the bartenders since they kept going on and on about how skinny I’ve become.

I also checked out the dance studios and I was quite content with what I saw and I’ve booked in two hours for this Saturday. Hopefully, the dance routine would go well.

Listening to: Scissor Sisters - Any Which Way

Work it

I have decided that I will not be buying an iPhone. Why? Because I can do so much better with that money. I got so much on my plate at the moment that it’s only fair I think of a way to be settled for the future as opposed to the present. So, today was the day I crossed out a lot of things in my planner book.

The day started off with me at ToyBoss’s house. Beyonce was there and I also met SM there as well. It was nice to see them since it’s been so long since I last saw them. I was playing with ToyBoss’s son as usual, more today since I might not see them for quite sometimes, unless she gets herself a job back in Burma. The best thing about the occasion is how most of the food were vegetarians’ dishes and how I was supposed to eat vegetables, according to my ‘religion routine’. I will miss ToyBoss to be honest. I do love her lots and respect her very much.

Then, it was off to the internet café to tell BooMan that I will not be online at 4pm like I have promised, given my mixer asked me to come over to his place at 4pm. Uploaded a couple of pictures and fiddled around with facebook since it’s unusable at work. I was looking at pics of my friends back in Sydney and I smiled to myself. Seems like everyone of them just looks so much hotter and better than before. Maybe it’s just me who hasn’t seen them in ages.

Four pm and I was over at the Mixer’s place and as usual, he was working on one of my songs and I was there watching him. Then it was off back to my house where the REAL DEAL started.

I did talk to the Retard today (my sister’s supposed ex husband). I realized that the more I ignore his phonecalls, the further I am at accomplishing things. I talked to him and I played the role of a messenger. It’s not that I do not care about my sister but it was the safest way to communicate to stop myself from punching him in the rose til it bleeds black. I’ve done method acting before. For someone who’s cried on stage, this was a piece of cake. And yes, the role of a messenger seems appropriate for me at the moment. I came home and sat with my grandparents to discuss about the lawyers involved in this turmoil of divorcing saga. It was interesting how smart my grand-dad was. Not that I never knew before but it was amazing how he seems to think things round to a certain solution.
Now, back to my music business. I got myself a co-choreographer with me and I have an appointment tomorrow to go check out the dance rehearsal rooms. I got some dancers. I got some people volunteering. I have the scripts of music video. I just feel ready for once to do this. Just the right time.

As usual, I slept only after a movie and 30 minutes of blogging hahaha.
Life is good.. at least things will get fixed but I guess I’m just glad I’m on track with things I am doing and finally I’m confronting things I dread doing and not holding them up on queue like I always had before.

Dear life, bring whatever on. I am ready to take it to make sure it ends up in good hands.

Listening to: Kylie Minogue - Get outta my way

iFloat

My blog does not have a backspace. It’s unfortunate for some since their influence on me has triggered me to write down whatever I have in my head. I start using codes and to those I’m quite close to, I tell them and to those who reads my blog religiously (be it because they like it or just want to find out what I have to say about them), it’s far too obvious for them to guess who’s who. So, despite the fact that I did not put any tags or include any IDs in this blog entry, let me tell any of you readers that it was triggered. By a person maybe. By an incident maybe. By words we speak from our mouths maybe. Nonetheless, a blog is a blog and I have to stay true to me not pressing a backspace, unless it’s to better the sentence structure or to correct spelling errors.

I used to refer myself to Katy from Mean Girls, which is the Lindsay Lohan character by the way. A girl who moved from place to place in her childhood. It’s not like I was moving shit load but I have not lived a phase in the same place for more than six years in my life. Five years of the unknown out of my mom’s stomach, six years in Bangkok, six years in Burma, three years in Singapore, three years in Burma, five years in Australia and a year and two months and 20 days later in Myanmar later, here I am typing out my blog entry for the twentieth of August, 2010.

I rarely had a childhood friend. That thought had never threatened me before except on the day I got a 43% in Geography, the day I swallowed a lot of pills when I was 20 and the day I was about to be deported from Australia, which didn’t really happen due to the faulty in the uni database. I thought of that because it was my weakness. It was there for me to blame. It was something I could blame it on when I was down in the dumps. “It’s because of you that I’ve become this way” “It’s because I did not have a proper childhood that I could not study” “I don’t have friends”

That’s going to change tonight. Tonight, I embrace the fact that I never had a childhood friend. Let’s be real. People change. My only friend who I know from grade 3 has a wife and a kid now and he’s struggling on his own. Don’t get me wrong; we love each other like brothers but it’s only normal that we cannot be like before. We change; some of our personalities stay with one of us, some changed and the other can’t adapt. It’s only the beauty of life that we are different from each other, from time to time even with our own thoughts.

I was offended today. I live my life. My life with never ending list of friends. I joined communities, societies and clubs. I drift from one stage to another. I change the style of music I listen to. I change my views on other people’s thoughts. What he said that time that didn’t make any friggin sense seems to be a normal life I would be living now. I was very offended today. Very.

I have a best friend in Sydney. She’s suffered a lot from this behavior I have. And like a true best friend caring for his best friend, I tried to reason with her. I tried to tell her that it’s me, not her. She wasn’t happy with that. We drifted apart a bit. We met again later. But she was ALWAYS there for me. Never has she failed to make me happy. We always pick up where we left off. She said to me how I could be wrong sometimes, to which I couldn’t say anything but kinda felt angry because it’s true. But she did mention how she loves me enough to accept me for what/who I was and am and could be. The day I left Australia, she wasn’t happy and she cried when I told her on the phone that I got deported. I never got to hear it because she hung up, followed by a text message saying “Sorry just had a cry”. She is the best friend of my life.

In Burma, I met an extraordinary person, who happened to seem to live the same parallel life as I do, except that she is more experienced, smarter and much more experienced than I am. She taught me the beauty of subtleness; about how things we dramatize about is just a speck of dust in our lives and about how we will keep seeing yet another stampede of dust in our lives as we grow. Life’s a struggle; she always looks relaxed. She is brave enough to show me her weakness, while she is also never hesitant to wait for others to compliment her. She wasn’t a show off. She shares spotlight with me. We bounce things off.

Now, from these two people, I somehow got spoilt. You can say spoilt because it seems like if I don’t end up with a person half as good as these two, I do not feel the need to go on being around them. As much as I would make any effort to be with these two, I got some other friends who know, deep inside, that I am a particle in their loves. I am a smudge of ink in their lives, permanent to some and pretty faded to a brown patch from a red ink to some. Somehow, the good ones and the best ones seem to know the trick to maintaining a friendship with me.

Rule Number 1: Do NOT justify anything.
Things don’t work that well. If you are to call me ‘wrong’, let me assure you that it’s only mutual that I might not like what you have done. And let me also tell you that there’s no such thing as a perfect person. You cannot set a rule to my being and you cannot tell me what my next move should be.

Rule Number 2: Pick up where we leave off.
We all need different scenes and different people to be around us. It’s only fair enough that one does not feel like a newb when one meets me again. If we clicked the last time, it’s only fair that we will click this time round.

Rule Number 3: Bounce spotlights.
I never ask for compliments. In fact, I do ACTUALLY get embarrassed and I get a bit weird when I get complimented. I love attention but I do also know that I do not really go around telling everyone what I am or who I am. I have never used anyone to lean myself on to be known. I have always depended on my ability. I have always tried the best I can not to feel like I owe anyone anything. And of course, it gets boring if I’m the strong one in a relationship (not necessarily a love one) and it can also get boring when the other one seems too strong. Weakness is the best attraction in a person.

These three rules make a complete me. Despite the fact that it might look too hard to follow them, I can summarize them in one sentence on what one should do after they see themselves as my friend.

“DO NOT INVITE UNNECESSARY MADE UP DRAMA”

That’s all I ask. I was triggered to write this blog entry. I may be out with a lot of friends in my life. I may have not invited everyone I know to a place. I may not be at a place where I used to be last week. I may have been lost this week. I may be sleeping in bed. I may have other issues to handle.

The last thing I want is someone telling me what I am feeling by their assumptions or intuition on what they see of me. It’s even worse when it gets more complicated when one tries to justify the reason behind the sudden change.

We are born to love ourselves. I do love myself enough to know where I want to be when I want to be with who I want to be and I do love myself to trust those around me to be there for me. I do love myself to know that I have not done anything wrong. I think a lot of others should try to do the same instead of telling me what I am doing and even worse categorizing to ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

I do not hate people. I do not hold grudges with anyone. If I feel like it, I will be back with those I’m friends with. It’s only fair that I get the chance to be free and do what I want. I have never caused anyone trouble or despair and if by not hanging out with them like I used to should ever question them about me and give them despair, I am quite sorry to say that I agree to disagree with the fact that you’ve judged me right.

With this blog entry, I want to make it clear that I am very happy that I get to move around a lot when I was a kid. I may NOT have been the quality friend that everyone would have in a movie. However I am very happy to say I’ve got people who love me for the imperfection that I seem to have.

Life is short. Think positive and think happy thoughts.
I don’t sit still and I float like it or not.

Listening to: MGMT – Electric feel

Quality night

TGIF! Yeah, finally it’s come to the point where I could test myself if I would end up being at 50 street tonight. I was actually convinced given it’s a cocktail night tonight but given what happened last week and just knowing it’s gonna end up being another night with the expats lovelies, I kinda coped not ending up there. Not that I had any issues with expats, in fact I love them but it’s just that too much of a good thing can be a bit boring at times.

Maltesers came to me today and she told me how she had this major news to tell. Given this is my blog, I don’t think I have the rights to write down what she actually said but after hearing it, I kinda went ‘umm ok.. so that was it’. It’s not like I’m being mean to her or anything but the friendship between us is just ‘oh I’m this I’m that’. It’s not a bad attribute and I still love her a lot but it’s just boring when whatever she said has the word ‘I’ in front followed by ‘this’ and ‘that’. I used to love it actually but just like 50 street, too much of a thing can be quite boring. And I guess that scenario kinda made me not wanna go out tonight. Maybe it might just be me growing up faster than I think I should.

These are times I miss BigSis once again. The friendship we have is pure. Give and take. Appreciations on both ends. Exposure of weakness. Sharing of strength. I’ve been spoilt actually. Never in my life have I ever known I could meet someone like her. So, having been a friend and a little bro to BigSis makes me expect more from others. No one could ever measure up to what she is actually and this is not something I’m writing just cos she’s become my blog reader. Haha! Just you wait! I’m still mean to you in reality, BigSis.

So, what did I end up doing tonight if I didn’t go to 50 street? Right after work, I went to Junction 8 to have Shan noodle with Jules, a facebook gay friend who I’ve never met in real life but somehow turned out we have a mutual friend. A nice guy, actually. This might be because I haven’t been exposed to evil bitchy gay boys in Myanmar but from what I’ve seen, I’m loving it. They’re just so normal! There are good ones and bad ones in Sydney but these gay boys I’ve been talking to are so normal. Ok, very feminine but they don’t do the whole ‘Judy Garland wannabe’ shit.

At night, I hung out with CuteDork. It was awesome to see him again. Seeing him made me feel nostalgic about those times when BigSis, he and I used to hang out. Good times! He and I spent most of the night reminiscing about BigSis. Just as he misses his girlfriend, I miss my big sister too. We went to Sedona club and the first thing that really surprised me was when this chick yelled at me to sit next to her and the convo followed as shown below.

Whore1: *in English* Sit Here *points to stool next to her*
Me: I’m Burmese.
Whore1: *now in Burmese* Oh I thought you were a foreigner. You look like one.
Me: Is that a compliment cos there are ugly foreigners as well as good looking ones.
Whore1: You look good
Me: You’re gonna make me go cry in the toilet with embarrassment. Look, I think you look fabulous and you should let a really good looking guy sit with you.

With that, CuteDork and I settled down SOMEWHERE else. As usual, three pathetically dressed Filo chicks sang on stage. I was actually impressed with two of them. One looked so Chinesee with a dimple and this girl could sing like Beyonce!! The other one, who CuteDork called the ‘tall filo’ (which later we found out she was wearing this ridiculous heels), was OK looking with this corset and she sings ok but she was a bit funkier than the dimplehead. The last of them looked like a midget who had injected her limbs. With a NORMAL body and the head of a midget, she reminds me of Susan Boyle. But yeah, this midget was hopeless at singing. Now, I understand what BigSis means by ‘five year old’ when she referred to her boyfriend that way. I saw that in CuteDork today but the cool thing is I ended up being four year old. We had a blast!!! I could just so enjoy every second with him. His humor, though so ridiculous, matched with my impressed-o-meter. CuteDork is actually a cool five year old, hanging out with a cute four year old, which is of course me.

Several covers later from the band, Whore1 came to our table. I was a bit uncomfortable.

Whore1: Can you ask your friend if he’s taking any girls tonight?
Me: Nah. We both have girlfriends.
Whore1: Where are they?
Me: Oversea
Whore1: At least they’re not here.
Me: Nah, we’re good.
Whore1: Can you introduce me to your friend?
Me: What’s your name?
Whore1: July.

So, this was the cue for CuteDork to try his lines. Rewinding back to me and CuteDork in my car before we reached Sedona, he had asked me how to say ‘Not tonight. I haven’t washed my hair’ in Burmese, to which I mumbled a few words, which he didn’t take note. So, the convo goes.

CuteDork: Hi.
Me: Hi this is July and July this is

After a huge awkward pause with CuteDork COMPLETELY looking to the other side and the whore just standing there, I broke the silence by asking the most stupid question. “Why isn’t your name August?”. She giggled and walked away. Gee!! Thank god. I was telling CuteDork how I wouldn’t end up fucking her anyways if I was ever into Vijayjays given the name July is pretty much outdated and I’m the type of guy who would use Iphone 4G 32 gig as a vibrator. Yes, technology rocks. Sorry, July… this is what happens to chicks who are named after months. They are only in date not more than 31 days per year.

I had a blast. Time with CuteDork was awesome and I came home happy and sober that quality time was spent. Not with drunk friends. Not with lots of crowds kissing each other like they’re in high school but later either dramatize or end up swinging bedmates week by week.

Tonight was quality.. a night where some people didn’t end up speaking in a foreign language about unwashed hair.. and a night where some people turned their boyfriend into a girl to lie to a whore. Sorry, Booman!!!

Officially UNed

So, I finally got my contract today. An official UN person, I stood proud and had this inner grin the whole time. I felt belonged in a very documented way. BigSis has told me once and it kept echoing in my head “Swe, did you get it documented”. When you have a MOBY in your list of ex bosses, you would actually be VERY pedantic about documents.

So, I was asked to go to the procurement department of UN to get my thing signed. The admin chick, Fashionista (woohoo new character), was surprised they had actually asked her to bring me along with her to the procurement. Normally, the contract could be just handed to her to make the client or the new employee sign. I was semi worried at first since I thought I was gonna be either probed or tested for something.

When I reached the Procurement Office, I felt eyes staring at me and I heard whispers of my name. The dude, who asked me to sign the contract, was like “Oh I thought you would be young but you’re much younger than what I had expected” and the chick next to him was like “So this is you.. the singer, huh?” and I felt kinda blushy, yet welcomed, by this UN HR crowd.

So, the whole deal about asking me to come to Procurement Department was just to satisfy their curiosities about ME being their colleague. Sometimes, I wonder how uneasy, yet fun, this would’ve been if only had I sold records as much as Justin Timberlake had. A singer in UN who’s working on his fifth album. What’s so cool or abnormal about that? Haha.

Me or the country

My grandma and I talked about politics once. I told her how some people amuse themselves by saving other lives. I actually got that from Alanis Morissette’s song. It’s called “Underneath”. The video started off with her in this heart which was beating and she was all alone. Then, there was this other Alanis, a young funky punk chick who has posters of “Save the Earth” on her wall. And I think the heart that the other Alanis was in was dark at first. So, you would see this punk alanis going around sticking posters of all these humanitarian acts on walls. And then she comes back home and something happened. Then, she tore down all these posters and there was this HUGE mirror in front of her. She sees herself. Every poster torn down gives the other Alanis shades into her dark heart. The video ends with the Alanis in the heart with this guy, I think.

So, I told my grandma about how some people amuse themselves by saving others. When I was sad in Sydney, I actually gave some money to this gay boy I chat to in this gay chat room. It was 100 bucks. Bank transfer. Then, a year later, this gay boy came and slept over my place because he’s got no home. It turned out to be the same boy and his name was Josh. It so happened that both times, I was either broke or sad. When I didn’t have the money, I gave him a home. It was because I felt happy afterwards. But years passed and I noticed ONLY later, when it was a bit too late, that I wasn’t saving myself.

Grandmom told me that she read this book, where this man was about to go to war and his wife stopped him. He said ‘I want to save the country’. Mind you, he’s got two kids. So what his wife said, I never forget. “Before you save your country, can you ask yourself if you could actually even save us?”

Dumbfounded much?

After my presentation today, a guy came up to me and asked me to give pro bono voluntary English classes to his staffs at his NGO called NRC. I said yes immediately. Maybe it was my ego boost doing the talking but I didn’t regret it because it was not only English that he wanted me to share. He said he wanted me to show them how to deal with foreigners. How to be brave. How to stand up for their opinions. Now, this reminds me of conversations I always have with taxi drivers. I would usually say “You know what this country needs? It needs some decency in the mindset”. Not the leaders. Not the people. In fact, it’s everyone. I told him how a positive gesture can result from a balanced negotiation. I actually got it from friends telling me about break ups. How many people realize that they are actually letting go of bad people in their lives and meeting new ones after every break ups with their significant others? Mostly none apart from some smartasses.

The fact is I will not be saving my country but I would at least be initiating an attempt to make it better. Maybe, if I show these ten people how to negotiate, how to have positive minds, how to not get drawn out by rejections and how to bravely make the opposing team concur gently and subtly by smart calculations, I can be confident enough to say these ten would spread this. And maybe finally our country will be in peace. People trying to walk in each other’s shoes and trying to understand the consequences of the surroundings, respect the mentality of others and most importantly get what they want, as well as others.

On the other hand, I looked at myself in the mirror. A deportee who’s waiting for permanent residency from that country with an online boyfriend. Hmm….. this makes me wonder if I have actually saved myself despite my happy mood. Am I really ready to save something else before saving myself?

Era loop

Do people have any idea why eras loop? One second you think modern rock is awesome and then you got Madonna recycling her era with a song with Abba “Gimme Gimme Gimme” riffs and god that song “Hung Up” was yet another breakthrough success for the queen of pop. Why do most of the fashionistas love thrift shops? Why are vintage jeans so much better than engineered jeans? Why do Chinese prefer using abacuses than calculators?

It really helps me understand why we love these things when I finally jotted down “Things I have to do” on my planner book. After I got my laptop, I was so amazed with this post its on my desktop that I started to use that as my “drawing board”. Things to do, phone numbers to collect and important dates to not forget and BooMan’s trips.

The thing is.. that post it routine is AWESOME, but ONLY if and when you have your laptop switched on whereas all you need to do with a planner is just flip a page and mark it with a pen or tick it off with either a pink highlighter or just cross it out with the same pen. Easy, huh? I got 4 out of 7 things done today.

Not to mention I went through a hectic schedule. Continuous work from 9 to 5 since we have a presentation the next day, one hour gym, half an hour jogging and my niece’s birthday, to which I managed to get her the best present. I am her arty uncle and I teach her drawing. So I ended up getting her a 24 color pencil box and I promised her I’d get her a better one if she tries hard. The little glow in her eyes assured me that I had a great day. Got things done, met some deadlines and did things I never would have… if it wasn’t for my planner book.

God, I love old shit!!! Seriously, in olden days, Myanmar uses wood sticks to clean their asses after pooing. What better way to clean ur ass while getting yourself an orgasmic enema probe!!! Hahaha.. ok.. sorry to spoil ur mood, people!!

Friendship

It’s not really that charming to say a 29 year old ended up crying after watching Toy Story 3. At the part where Andy (the kid) had to let go of his toys cos he was going to college, I just could not hold back my tears. Parting has always been difficult for me. I grew up as suitcase kid. I know I should get immune to it and I do play the whole strong part when it comes to losing friends, just to know next you’re gonna be in a new room where any person you meet has a potential to either give you a wedgie or a trip around your new class.

The truth is… I really feel like I haven’t paid my dues when it comes to friends.
Be it small gestures of politeness or just a very biased “I actually want to do this” mentality, I guess anything positively worth giving time can brighten anyone’s day. It actually made me smile and yet feel bad when I saw a couple of my friends, back from my uni, commented a whole lotta happy comments on my facebook after I announced my target date for my album release as a status.

I guess I understand how hard it is to be able to be the same person everytime you meet your friends. Maybe, it’s them or maybe it’s you evolving but somehow, sometimes, we just can’t really get the feel of what we all used to have anymore. But as mentioned above, a small gesture would do.

I could start that by writing an email to my closest friends, Dicky, Ali, Jen, Alex, Zhe, Danny, Luke, Miky, Jess, my boss Amelia and Pete. I know I’ve had a couple of other friends before them who were my close friends but I guess these people were the first of those who were there throughout my turning points in life, where one would never be able to predict what’s to come the next minute from me. They somehow have never given up on me.

If you’re reading this blog, I just want to say I’m not proud of what I had been in the past and I do know you guys have totally stood by me for the past few years. Thanks for never judging me. Thanks for never complaining whenever I come up with yet another excitement over a boy I just met either online or in a pub. Thanks for never giving up on cheering me up whenever I rant about love, life, friends, family and money. Thanks for never losing faith in me whenever I say a couple of bad things to you guys.

There are plenty more I’ve met along my life. I guess, my friendship list would keep growing til the end of time but it’s those who would always be there for me still that I will know are the one who would never give up on me.

Jack, Robby, Mel Lau, Owen, Sas, Justin, Steph (betch), Jane, Georgie, Shreya, Vinnie, god I could just go on…. Thanks for not giving up on me.

I do love you all and I don’t know what I would do or be if it wasn’t for your patience and time.

Beneficial sacrifices

I just knew it was too early to say life’s all good. It’s after every self reflected lessons learnt session I have with myself that I know something bad is bound to happen.

My music mixer loves my album and it kinda rocked when he said he loves doing my album for me and that he doesn’t get bored. I’m back with my husband once again. I got new gay friends in Myanmar, where I feel pretty much accepted. My grandparents, mom and sis know about this. I work in UN. I have friends who would do things for me like iCandy, who would spend time emailing me to motivate me to come work out, BigSis, who never hesitates to help me out and a couple more which would take the whole of Mozilla page to mention.

Of course, every good thing comes with a challenge. As much as I like to say I want to be able to learn how to get through hard times, it kinda really drenches me when it actually happens.

In addition to my UN work, where I’m basically asked to do a lot of things at once by the whole of UNHabitat department, which is actually cool, my music career which eats up my evenings, my gym workout routine which wastes two hours each and every day, a diet routine where I crave for junk food, a boyfriend who I want to keep him happy which isn’t a hard work but quite time consuming, I have two drawbacks. Now, I’m in charge of calling lawyers up to end my sister’s marriage and I’m also involved in handling financial shit to help out my mom.

It’s my dream to be able to come home everyday and lean back and watch movies. It’s my dream to be able to have internet at home. It’s my dream to be able to not have to talk with a lot of people to achieve what I want. But I guess it’s my destiny to use as much internet as I can during work, finishing work, making BooMan happy and keeping in touch with other people. I guess it’s my destiny to avoid spending a lot of money so I could pay off my mom’s debt while keeping my body fit. I guess it’s my destiny to squeeze in two hours of my everyday time to negotiate and talk to people and get things done.

iCandy once told me every good things come with a sacrifice. I guess this was what he meant. I can’t fail mentally this time. It’s now or never that I’ll be able to confront fixing problems, be it mine or others.

A day of irony

Irony is the word of the day, when everything around me revolves around irony the whole day.

I went to work in the morning only because I was asked to by JajaMan, along with the rest of the office crew but as it turned out, given I had internet access, I could do research properly and I got things done. I guess the whole office space got me in the working mood.

I finally made BooMan my partner once again on facebook, since I don’t see any use pretending not to be partners when he and I had been pretty much more in love than ever. I was just really taken away by the distance he would go for me. He has evolved into this man I looked up to. His insecurity in the past was a big turn off but I found comfort in being the hero of the day. Since BooMan is a big fan of sweet, but honest, talks, it had always been an ego boost when he would tell me one day after how I have stood up for any stupid things he would pull:- jealousy, lack of trust, drama and just being plain spoilt. But being a hero for me wore thin especially when I was in the low and when you have two people at their weakest time, both in need of strength, I finally got rid of him as a married partner on facebook because I was sick of how I was being used as. Times he logged off on gtalk, times he avoided my questions and times he would accuse me of things I never did. I had enough.

When you love someone, I guess it’s something that you cannot lie to yourself about. I tried to get BooMan out of my head for a couple of days during the first era of our break up. A huge blessing in disguise was his grand-dad passing away, I felt this urge to want to be there for him. So, I started being the hero once again but I was very careful not to make myself his pole to lean on. I am quite mature at certain things but I have always wanted a man who I could bounce things off with and it was just simply ridiculous to see BooMan as a man back then, especially in times of his weakness. I just no clue what was going on.

Ironic yet quite worth the hurt I went through not being his married partner for two weeks or so, he evolved into this man and I have to say it is a bit of a turn on. It was more liberating when he did all of this evolution without my help. He stopped being jealous of me. He stopped talking about his ex. (tact level better) He started to answer most of my questions (although he would fail to answer a lot of my other questions like why he hadn’t gone to the tarot card reader to ask about me). He started to not accuse me of lack of trust in him. Instead of asking me to not cheat on him, he just kept going on about how he was not going to cheat on me. Now, that’s a major turn on and ironically, it made me not want to cheat on him more. He just reminds me of this pokemon who’s evolved from this pathetic ‘one phrase’ toning monster to a fighting monster, whose HP levels would make Pokemon card collectors drool. I don’t know. I just feel so settled with him now and I love him more than ever and I’m VERY VERY happy that I didn’t cheat on him at all. Thank god. I have to admit I DID intend to just cos I was hurt but god, I couldn’t bear the thought of another man when I know BooMan will be out there thinking of me.

My sis got an email from her husband, who she’s been trying to hide away since that fucktard abused her physically while using most of her money that she worked and earned for and not actually working to get paid. He would just sit and eat with my sis money and not work and fail exams. I wouldn’t mind that but after he beat up my sister twice, it became unbearable. So, since Burmese law states that a wife cannot rule the divorce unless the husband agrees OR unless the wife is not with the husband for three years, I have managed to make my sister go stay somewhere, away from him. He called me on my phone as well and what he wanted to say was how he’s trying to file the divorce legally and how he wanted to announce in the newspapers and he called me because he needed documents. Now, at first I did show a bit of empathy but after talking to my grandma, I found out that it would not be necessary to get documents involved when filing a divorce. All you gotta do is sign the paper of divorce and that’s it. So, we still have to find out if he’s onto something.

I finally caught up with Loggie, who used to work with me in PR IV and SuitMan, who used to be an actor before who’s managing a hotel at the moment. It was great since it was just three guys with three backgrounds, three personalities and three types. I’m the singer, SuitMan is an actor and we would pay Loggie out as the womanizer but to be honest, Loggie is a HUGE socialite. What started as a dinner at Coffee circle ended up having three of us gentlemen open a bottle of red Label at DJ bar and enjoying ourselves.

It was nice to be honest. It almost felt like I was with BigSis again. If there was anytime I was happy in my past one year of being in Burma was when I was with BigSis. Now, being with two of them just felt so good as well. Relaxed, no drama and just three doofus having a blast. Three of us looked good and we got hit on by a lot of gay men in the club. I was very happy with the scene in Burma. Not as dodgily promiscuous as Sydney gay scene but quite improving on the open mindedness, I was happy to be part of a gay group in my own country. We danced crazy and met different friends. If there was a similar personality between the three of us, it would be how we know A LOT OF people. Three of us were greeted by at least 10 people each in that small club and there would be only 20 people out of 50 people that we three wouldn’t know. Girls hit on us as much as the gay men. I sound like I’m bragging right now but god, it felt good to be accepted in the shallowest manner to be part of a good looking three metrosexuals (well I am a homo though), who happen to be looked upon as funky people. I would want to hang out with these two again. It sure beats 50 street and my other friends.

As ironic as today was, it was a good day. The break up that saved a relationship, the efficiently useful office on a weekend, evil brother in law who threatened to kill me calling me on the phone begging me not to hang up and two friends who I would avoid to hang out on a normal day, who gave me the best night for this weekend. It was a good Saturday.

ConfusedHotty and me

Friday the 13th has a lot of effect in me throughout my lifetime. I used to make a big deal out of it for the sake of attention and wanting to be an interesting individual. Then, I began to find a lot of annoying people who were just huge try-hards claiming how Friday the 13th is a lucky day for them. “Oooh look at me I am so cool right now because I am thinking the day Jason would be slashing my throat if I were in a horror movie to be the luckiest day for me”. Yeah, fuck that!

Work was a bit harsh though productive, with endless things for me to do and also a presentation to prepare for the 18th of August workshop. Not to forget the fact that JajaMan wanted all of us to come to work tomorrow, which was a Saturday of my second week of work at UNHabitat.

The theme was so called blue at 50 street and I was so pleased to see ConfusedHotty, the dude I find quite attractive and really fun to flirt with, the dude who I would like to find out whether he’s gay or not and the dude I thought was Jewish. Maltesers was dressed in a ball skirt and I have to say she pulls it off very well but that was no surprise since she always turns out to be the hotty who always gets picked up. For a Friday evening, 50 street was jam packed with a lot of people and it turned out to be African night.

Now, here’s a thing about Maltesers and me. We just happened to have the SAME taste. Both turned out liking ConfusedHotty, which made ConfusedHotty more of a person who has no idea whether he likes vagina or cock. Not that I want to sleep with him but I find a huge great comfort in being touchy and all friendly with him. Now, where do you see a straight guy getting drinks from a gay man while the gay man pour cocktail into his mouth and he just stands there and drinks from what the gay man is pouring without using his hand. It was at first quite annoying how Maltesers can be a bit of a flirt with ConfusedHotty and since I hate competition and since I do HAVE a boyfriend, I just left those two alone. Then, it got a bit more annoying when Maltesers whinged about how she was missing CS and how ConfusedHotty won’t do for her. My question is “Why flirt in the first place?”.

My feeling of being annoyed at Maltesers turned to a huge concern and love when she started getting drunk and started to flip her eyes into a thin narrow frown, the type that one would look when taken a photograph halfway through closing or opening his/her eyes without being told it’s taken. My sis-like friend was drunk and there was nothing I could do but to save her from getting embarrassed. I find it quite cute that she ACTUALLY staggered while standing still, given she could walk like a supermodel as if she didn’t have any alcohol.

The Italian wannabe, Mr Bello (sorry), offered us a ride. Us being ConfusedHotty, Maltesers, Vchick and me. ConfusedHotty and I were sitting at the back of this pick up like truck while Maltesers and the other two were sitting in front. We tried to go to YGN bar but it was close. Now, before we got to YGN bar, I had one of the best convos with ConfusedHotty.

As it turned out obviously, ConfusedHotty is so not gay. I was happy since that kinda stopped me from being curious and I felt more comfortable that he was just being over-friendly and not misleading me and making it hard for me to ignore his hot face and touchiness. I just hate it when ‘not out of the closet’ gay men play games just to have the best of the attention from me. But as it turned out, ConfusedHotty is just another version of me.

Both of us are quite ok during parties but we both love the serenity and peace of expats at a party of better intimacy. I mean things like movie nights or housewarming would make us both happier than a drunken night at 50 streets, where the whole place could be seen as this huge mass of incestuous swinger club. Despite the fact that both ConfusedHotty and PukeBag are not my best of friends, I would hang out with them any day. They’re just so comfortable and their personalities remind me of BigSis and it’s been a while since I have mature cool people around me since she left. Conversation with ConfusedHotty was nice at the back of the pick-up car. Obviously, he did mention about how he knew/noticed how drunk Maltesers was but fearing people would judge my friend wrong, I told him that it was cute to see her so drunk and just glad that she was having fun. Maybe that way, he won’t judge her by her actions for this night.

Now, Maltesers drunk level got worse when we got to YGN bar and it turned out worse when Bello started making out with Vchick. Both Maltesers and I knew how Vchick is seeing PlasticBernard, our close friend, and it was a bit weird to see her make out with Bello. My first impression was fuck no but as they say, drunk people tend to articulate more than normal people, Maltesers shouted out “LAME” and several weird remarks at those two for making out. I was half happy she did but then I guess it’s just her life and no matter how much I wanted to tell PlasticBernard or get involved in between, I guess every story has its own plot. As much as I know in my heart it would take me A LOT of effort (maybe Kellan Lutz in person right in front of me) to cheat on Booman, I wouldn’t like to be looked upon by a friend or even worse, taken care of by a friend, when I think I can be mature enough to handle things on my own. However, the funny side to this story was how it does not really worry me about Vchick and Bello hearing Maltesers’ remarks, given both of them are pretty ‘not that good’ when it comes to speaking in English. I kinda was let down by Vchick but hey, it’s her life and she is my friend so I didn’t bother.

We went to Café Libre afterwards and ConfusedHotty and I ended up talking. I guess that would be the highlight of my night. Not because I was talking to this hot guy, but because it was a good conversation and we cleared the air about where we stand. He is just a very nice friend.

The final days of JajaMan

I don’t really have any feelings for JajaMan given I just got to know him as my boss for like a week or so but it’s a bit weird to hear the news that he’s gonna be leaving work soon for his new job in Korea with World Bank. I guess it does feel sucky that he’s not gonna be here any longer to be my boss and there might be a new boss in the next few weeks. The good news is we can start anew but the bad news is will this boss be as good as JajaMan and will he/she let me use gtalk and other stuff given I’m gonna be sitting right in front of him.

Booman was being real cute today when he came online around 3pm my time and he was going on about how worried he was that I was still at work. He mentioned how early it was for me to be at work and then I started to get real confused about what the hell he was trying to mean. It turned out that he took a nap and he just happened to wake up at 3pm my time, thinking it was morning at his time, which means 3 am my time. It’s funny how I’m gonna end up with a husband like that!!

I missed out on AWB for this week cos I was given a lot of work to do, which was quite ok but it was just that I won’t have time to drink beer with my colleagues. Plus, why would I be drinking beer when I’m trying to fit into the clothes I bought from Thailand?

Metaphorically Chicken

Ever heard of a ‘moment killer’? My grandparents were doing a great job at not forcing me to come to the monastery with them to pay this never ending tribute to my dear lost dad, who happened to lose his life like ELEVEN years ago, UNTIL my grandmom forced out a ‘you should do something in remembrance of your dad once a month’. Ok, what is the point of saying WHALE when you’re not allowed to say anything regarding fish?

SitarBro has this huge habit of referring ANYTHING metaphorically to chicken. He mentioned about a chicken and egg thing, which was quite common. Then, he explained about this other scenario which resembled a headless chicken. Now, how on earth can my boss be so linked with chicken still remains a HUGE mystery.

It’s funny how adding one Burmese gay guy on you gtalk can populate itself into this whole crowd of Burmese gay men adding you, despite not having seen your face before. I just thought it was time to have more gay friends in Burma, given I should not be NOT proud of my gender preference and also I do need dancers for my music videos. A very shameful part of me wants to show off how much of a settled gay man I am. Well, that is when I put my status as ‘married’ on facebook again. I do love Booman and I guess I just can’t stand having one month without us both saying happy every 24th.

Oh, on another random note, I’ve started jogging once again. How cool is that!!
Oh, on yet another random note, today was the first day I used a UN toilet! I didn’t get to flush because the security dude who was peeing before me had done it and the bowl ran out of water.

Back to work

I never thought I could miss mom and my sis that much. Coming back to work on a Tuesday morning after three consecutive days of nonstop quality time with my mom and my sis totally drove me insane. It was nice to see my workmates again though. It was nice to hear their compliments about how fatter I’ve become. Amen to Thai food and the ever-non-offensive-Asian-praising-that-you-are-fed-well-and-not-starving comment about a kilo you must have pulled.

This was my fifth day at work and I swear there’s something about food and work, given I was given a free lunch from one of the people in the office, who received some amount of sum of money over his usual salary. It’s funny how I didn’t get to see his face, given he lives in another building, but god, pro bono lunches are far tastier than those you have to buy.

Given I fucked up my lunch diet routine, I went to Peppers with Maltesers and FlagGirl. Now, I do NOT mean to flirt and I know nothing turns me on as much as Booman does, although I used to be so angry at his ridiculous disses at me in the past but he’s been quite sexy lately given how settled and in love and just majorly cute he is. Yes, Booman at his best! Ok, back to the flirt. This really cute waiter, with a scar on his left cheek (scars are HOT) kept serving me while I was with Maltesers and FlagGirl. A little bit empty in my glass of water and the next thing you know he was there on his feet filling it up, with a bit of witty comments about stuffs. I do not know if this was his strategic marketing routine or I do not know if it was just my smile-til-I-wink but god it felt good to have the attention of a cute gentleman with a scar.

Passport lost

Four twenty at a Bangkok airport, I still believe airports hate me. Due to my poor planning, I was in this impossible power walk marathon around the city in Bangkok, battling Bangkok traffic and hoping against hopes. Since it was kinda like my semi-last trip before I ever get here again, I ended up buying almost everything I needed.

Flight plans are so unfair. The plane actually was to leave at 4:50pm but as all ‘rules of departure’ has it, I had to be there at the airport to check in two hours before the actual time the plane was to leave this country (BKK). So, I got here a bit early, only to notice that my passport was gone.

I felt like this little boy who lost his parents cos he stared too much at Legoland at toys department. I just felt so lost. Should I call the embassy? Should I call Burma? Should I call mom. The first thing I did was call the taxi in which I was in. Turned out that the passport wasn’t there. Then, I went to the information center, who asked me to go to the tourist police. On the way there, I called my mom, checked my bags 7000 times and then called my mom to call Burma incase I never end up going back to Burma for the day. This means I would have to call in work tomorrow for yet another day off, make a new passport and stay penniless in Bangkok. I told my mom the situation, who was panicking way more than I was, and I went to the tourist police, who happened to HAVE my passport. Then I rushed to the check in, was glad I could put both bags in (given I’ve got one supposed bag for hand carry). Then, on my way to the gate, my watch broke out and parts and bits of it scattered on the airport floor.

Now, there’s another story with this watch. When I bought it on Friday, it was fine but it stopped working yesterday. Then, I went to another watch shop and asked them to change the battery, which they did and it still didn’t work. Then, today, I went to that shop and they ended up giving me a new face with the same strap. Yep, the clock was ticking then. Minutes later, the strap broke loose and I had to go to that shop again and they gave me a new piece. And just now in the airport, it scattered to pieces. I have NO IDEA what’s with me and this watch but it definitely made me run and panic like a retard.

Sigh. I’m gonna miss my mom and sis. It’s been a blast and I had so much fun with them. I got my sis a tattoo for her 28th birthday and I got my mom a bag. It went all well and I ended up helping my mom out with her financial difficulties. I’m not the best son in the world but I ended up initiating a safer leeway for her new safe journey to begin.

Yes, I still hate airports!!

Panda Mom

It’s a bit of a mystery when one can find so much passion in things they do. Some friends of mine are comedic actors who cannot go to sleep if they do not say at least five witty cracks to their surroundings each day, sans the repertoires. My boyfriend of seven months has this HUGE obsession with his dining table as something that we could get jiggy on. My mom used to collect things. I could relate to that since I used to collect invitation cards or just postcards in general until I could not find a proper place to put them in and I knew that by the time I found a place to put them in, they would be too scattered to make heads or tails out of what or which. My mom collected empty tins, cutleries and empty packages. Anything nice and cute, she would ask the owner to not trash the empty container after use and that she would be the new proud owner of that empty ‘whatever’.

Now, her new obsession is this panda channel. I am sure this is not the first time I’ve mentioned on my blog about this Thai channel she subscribed to, from all the other cable channels that she could get. So, there was this panda couple from China (yes a REAL panda), borrowed into Thailand zoo, and they gave birth to this little panda girl and since then, Thai media has gone haywire! Cable TV station made a channel for this panda, which resembles Big Brother but just that it consists of three characters of the same color and patterns and brains of bigger sizes, compared to those retards on Big Brother.

So, I did check it out last night and at 11pm, it showed Mama Panda sleeping and might I add, ways panda sleep is so weird. It’s worse than a whore who hasn’t had orgasm for ages, legs spread and head leaned back. So, 11pm, Mama Panda was sleeping on her back with her legs high in the air. The rest of the 11pm was just her lying down until around 11:45 pm that she start to change position.

Since my sister and I went out to have junk food and chill and left mom at home on her own, when we came back, she was a bit too busy to converse with her own son and daughter. Instead, she sat there watching the Mama Panda and her ever-slow kamasutra voyeuristic images of sleeping positions.

I finally gave my sister a present for her birthday. I got her a tattoo. Now, I’m sure most of you are going to judge me. What kind of a brother are you? Well, I just thought this would be an indicator of strength and confidence. And a bit of stereotype. She was there on her own while the tattoo artist drew on her back. She gained confidence knowing things are often exaggerated and don’t really hurt as much. Also, she has stopped stereotyping tattoo shops as intimidating and scary. I can relate to that but it’s not cool to judge the taste of an ice cream by its color. On the other hand, I’m just glad I got to financially support my mom, with a bit of a help from Booman. I know. This is something I should not blog about but seriously I do want the whole world to know that my mom is NOT a bad person and Booman does trust me and love me.

I hate to think it’s because of him helping me out with this issue that I love him more but I had to go into the bathroom and cry my ass off at how much trust this man has in me. It’s been a while since I was this much appreciated from a non family member, well, soon to be one though.

Airport Newbie

I am not a newb when it comes to going on planes. Despite the fact that I’ve lived in a suitcase most of my life, it’s a bit of a shame when I have to admit that I’m not that much of an expert when it comes to going on airplane on my own. So, first of all, since I knew I was gonna be spending most of my money in BKK, I did not get myself to change any of my US mulas to Burmese mula. So, before I checked in, which means I was in the zone where ONLY passengers were to be in, the chick at the counter asked me to pay for airport tax. It’s LOCAL airport tax which was 3000 kyats (3 USD). Since I only had US mula, Thai mula, ONE Brazilian coin and some Aussie coins in my wallet, I had to go to the ‘scanning’ area to ask for money from my grandparents, who were fortunately in the airport. So, I winked and smiled to the girl who scanned me. I have no idea what it is about me and scanners (or do you call them probers or metal detectors?), but she started to smile sheepishly and offered to help out. Was it th wink and the smile or just yet another airport probing chick making a move?

So, I went to the wrong gate. Yes, 29 years of airporting and this was after the check in chick said “GATE 4”, I managed to go to GATE 2 and started taking off my belt. The dude was like ‘you going to Thailand?’ and I was like ‘yeah’ and he was like ‘shouldn’t you be at gate 4?’ and there was me running to gate 4. I was welcomed by two evil-looking people who look like they could not wait to strip me alive. They saw the envelope with my mula and since I thought it was gonna be an issue, I gave the dude a wink and a smile when he looked at me. He put it back and there I was free from all these testing, probing and eye-stripping.

It was funny when I was waiting for the plane where I ended up talking to this cool couple from Melbourne. Minutes later, Pukebag turned up beside me, both surprised to see each other. Pukebag (I’ll explain later how she got that name) was supposed to have a housewarming party the night before and semi-killed by cheap Myanmar rum, she was semi-awake while talking to me. However, conversations with Pukebag never seems to stop. She’s just one of those cool people who could just talk about anything with me. So, we decided to sit in the empty rows in the airplane, bitched about life and exchanged contact details in puking bags from the airplane (thus explaining her ID).

Seeing BigSis and hanging out with her was awesome, not to mention shopping with her. I met up with mom and sis after the shopping and it was great to see them again. It felt even better when I FINALLY talked to Mom about Booman! I told her just because someone is called a ‘homosexual’ does not necessarily mean he’s girly. She told me she was concerned about not seeing mini-Heins. Little does she know Booman and I have already given names to our babies. SEBASTIAN and XAVIER! And speaking of babies, one of my close friends have decided she wants kids with her significant other. All I could say is how I’m extremely excited for her and how I wish her the best. I like the way she thinks. Who cares about marriage at the moment when you KNOW all you want is your own baby. Maybe she’s just lucky that both her partner and Booman want babies as well. It’s all good, people! Welcome to the 21st century, where babies do NOT necessarily have to be called ‘normal’ to have a male dad and a female mom or TWO parents.

Stories for Grandmom: Booman

It seems like since I’ve joined UN-Habitat, my life after work has revolved around birthday parties and free food, which means NO ROOM for dieting. Today was just the perfect day to not go vegetarian and follow my diet track, given I’ll be in Thailand for the weekend starting from tomorrow and I won’t be back until Tuesday. There’s so much food so why don’t I just eat it all?

Work has been all admin work and minute writing the whole day today. Running around and getting things done JUST TO GET myself contracted. I got to read the referee letters from BigSis and ToyBoss and it made me teary. It does seem like I did a pretty good job since they both wrote over the top good shit about me. It was also nice to see ToyBoss again today, when I went to her house to get her signature for the ref. paper. Le sigh. I know I’m not that bad but it’s so hard for me to take compliments at times it made me teary to see words expressed about me in more than positive ways.

The night ended with SitarBro’s daughter’s second year birthday. She’s so big for her age but she’s so so adorable. I do love SitarBro’s family! I was surprised to see GrandDad at the hotel lobby with Grandmom. It so happened that my driver was not working tonight but I didn’t complain. I guess it was nice to see me get picked up by my grandparents sometimes.

Forgot to blog about this yesterday but I had a deep conversation with Grandmom last night. I told her about Booman, and I told her how I won’t be homeless when I get to Sydney, how I really love him and want to spend my life with him until the end and how I know his family members and talk with his stepmom. My grandmom seems to be grasping the fact that I’m gay. It kinda made her feel relieved when I told her just because I’m gay it does not mean I want to be a girl. There are many types of gay men and I happen to be one of those who still stick to my masculine side and like men for being men. It was nice to be talking about Booman to Grandmom, not having to pretend Booman is a girl anymore. My trip to Burma this time round has been great to be honest.

Two Way Respect

Respect. Everyone wants it. It’s easily spread around in hopes of getting something good back out of it. The only catch is the real feeling behind it. Do you really respect someone or are you only doing it for something beneficial.

My album has been on a hold for quite some times. It’s at a ‘mixdown’ stage where the mixer takes care of volumes and effects. Now, I’ve been working with the mixer, MZ, since his work’s pretty good but he’s well known for his lack of respect for deadlines. The whole album was targeted to be done by the end of July but since it’s August and since I’ve been taking time trying to look thinner for my photo shoot, it’s really hard to guess the targeted date for my album release. When I reached MZ’s house, he could only show me one of my songs that has been worked on. He made this excuse about the other two being in some of his hard-drives which he could not find. The catch here is the fact that the song he had already mixed sounds MAJOR awesome. I knew I had to give him respect since it seems like that’s something he wants, I noticed. So, not out of fakeness, I praised him on this song and told him I couldn’t wait to hear the rest. Well, this was the most honest strategy I could think of. And, my convo with him seems to be range more than a hi and a bye. Respect, he earned from me and in return, I hope he would wanna show me more of his work on my work to get more respect from me.

One of my colleagues who work in the same office as SitarBro, Nsquare, and I exchanged a hi and a bye during my first day at work. Today just turned out to be Translator’s birthday and I joined them right after my meeting with MZ. Nsquare was uber friendly to me and he said it in the end. He said he has so much respect for me because I am polite? JajaMan was also laughing his ass off, telling me how me joining his team, has lifted the spirit in the team and how my arrival in his team means a lot to him. To be honest, I’d like to blame those two on beer but it does make me blush and quiet grateful that they like my humor and presence. I guess working for UN-Habitat is actually pretty awesome, even if it was only my third day. It’s also awesome that there’s no jealousy and it rocks that my colleagues are intellectual, with their whole aim to just finish their work and get paid. (Unlike the scenario of PR IV)

A new girl joined our team today from the Ministry of Foreign Affair, Japan, who will be with us for a month as her intern. A Japanese with a Canadian accent, who could not believe that it was still my third day at work, is actually cute and pretty friendly. FlagGirl (since her name resembles the name of the song with the same lyrics as the ID), sat near me and Partner moved away from me, which was totally awesome for her since she didn’t like to sit near JajaMan. It’s true though! I caught JajaMan looking at my puter screen while I was out talking on the phone!

Respect works both ways I guess. It’s not a hard job to think highly of someone and it is just so beneficial to have them be happy at what they are doing for you and would do anything to make sure you get the best of their abilities.