My blog does not have a backspace. It’s unfortunate for some since their influence on me has triggered me to write down whatever I have in my head. I start using codes and to those I’m quite close to, I tell them and to those who reads my blog religiously (be it because they like it or just want to find out what I have to say about them), it’s far too obvious for them to guess who’s who. So, despite the fact that I did not put any tags or include any IDs in this blog entry, let me tell any of you readers that it was triggered. By a person maybe. By an incident maybe. By words we speak from our mouths maybe. Nonetheless, a blog is a blog and I have to stay true to me not pressing a backspace, unless it’s to better the sentence structure or to correct spelling errors.
I used to refer myself to Katy from Mean Girls, which is the Lindsay Lohan character by the way. A girl who moved from place to place in her childhood. It’s not like I was moving shit load but I have not lived a phase in the same place for more than six years in my life. Five years of the unknown out of my mom’s stomach, six years in Bangkok, six years in Burma, three years in Singapore, three years in Burma, five years in Australia and a year and two months and 20 days later in Myanmar later, here I am typing out my blog entry for the twentieth of August, 2010.
I rarely had a childhood friend. That thought had never threatened me before except on the day I got a 43% in Geography, the day I swallowed a lot of pills when I was 20 and the day I was about to be deported from Australia, which didn’t really happen due to the faulty in the uni database. I thought of that because it was my weakness. It was there for me to blame. It was something I could blame it on when I was down in the dumps. “It’s because of you that I’ve become this way” “It’s because I did not have a proper childhood that I could not study” “I don’t have friends”
That’s going to change tonight. Tonight, I embrace the fact that I never had a childhood friend. Let’s be real. People change. My only friend who I know from grade 3 has a wife and a kid now and he’s struggling on his own. Don’t get me wrong; we love each other like brothers but it’s only normal that we cannot be like before. We change; some of our personalities stay with one of us, some changed and the other can’t adapt. It’s only the beauty of life that we are different from each other, from time to time even with our own thoughts.
I was offended today. I live my life. My life with never ending list of friends. I joined communities, societies and clubs. I drift from one stage to another. I change the style of music I listen to. I change my views on other people’s thoughts. What he said that time that didn’t make any friggin sense seems to be a normal life I would be living now. I was very offended today. Very.
I have a best friend in Sydney. She’s suffered a lot from this behavior I have. And like a true best friend caring for his best friend, I tried to reason with her. I tried to tell her that it’s me, not her. She wasn’t happy with that. We drifted apart a bit. We met again later. But she was ALWAYS there for me. Never has she failed to make me happy. We always pick up where we left off. She said to me how I could be wrong sometimes, to which I couldn’t say anything but kinda felt angry because it’s true. But she did mention how she loves me enough to accept me for what/who I was and am and could be. The day I left Australia, she wasn’t happy and she cried when I told her on the phone that I got deported. I never got to hear it because she hung up, followed by a text message saying “Sorry just had a cry”. She is the best friend of my life.
In Burma, I met an extraordinary person, who happened to seem to live the same parallel life as I do, except that she is more experienced, smarter and much more experienced than I am. She taught me the beauty of subtleness; about how things we dramatize about is just a speck of dust in our lives and about how we will keep seeing yet another stampede of dust in our lives as we grow. Life’s a struggle; she always looks relaxed. She is brave enough to show me her weakness, while she is also never hesitant to wait for others to compliment her. She wasn’t a show off. She shares spotlight with me. We bounce things off.
Now, from these two people, I somehow got spoilt. You can say spoilt because it seems like if I don’t end up with a person half as good as these two, I do not feel the need to go on being around them. As much as I would make any effort to be with these two, I got some other friends who know, deep inside, that I am a particle in their loves. I am a smudge of ink in their lives, permanent to some and pretty faded to a brown patch from a red ink to some. Somehow, the good ones and the best ones seem to know the trick to maintaining a friendship with me.
Rule Number 1: Do NOT justify anything.
Things don’t work that well. If you are to call me ‘wrong’, let me assure you that it’s only mutual that I might not like what you have done. And let me also tell you that there’s no such thing as a perfect person. You cannot set a rule to my being and you cannot tell me what my next move should be.
Rule Number 2: Pick up where we leave off.
We all need different scenes and different people to be around us. It’s only fair enough that one does not feel like a newb when one meets me again. If we clicked the last time, it’s only fair that we will click this time round.
Rule Number 3: Bounce spotlights.
I never ask for compliments. In fact, I do ACTUALLY get embarrassed and I get a bit weird when I get complimented. I love attention but I do also know that I do not really go around telling everyone what I am or who I am. I have never used anyone to lean myself on to be known. I have always depended on my ability. I have always tried the best I can not to feel like I owe anyone anything. And of course, it gets boring if I’m the strong one in a relationship (not necessarily a love one) and it can also get boring when the other one seems too strong. Weakness is the best attraction in a person.
These three rules make a complete me. Despite the fact that it might look too hard to follow them, I can summarize them in one sentence on what one should do after they see themselves as my friend.
“DO NOT INVITE UNNECESSARY MADE UP DRAMA”
That’s all I ask. I was triggered to write this blog entry. I may be out with a lot of friends in my life. I may have not invited everyone I know to a place. I may not be at a place where I used to be last week. I may have been lost this week. I may be sleeping in bed. I may have other issues to handle.
The last thing I want is someone telling me what I am feeling by their assumptions or intuition on what they see of me. It’s even worse when it gets more complicated when one tries to justify the reason behind the sudden change.
We are born to love ourselves. I do love myself enough to know where I want to be when I want to be with who I want to be and I do love myself to trust those around me to be there for me. I do love myself to know that I have not done anything wrong. I think a lot of others should try to do the same instead of telling me what I am doing and even worse categorizing to ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
I do not hate people. I do not hold grudges with anyone. If I feel like it, I will be back with those I’m friends with. It’s only fair that I get the chance to be free and do what I want. I have never caused anyone trouble or despair and if by not hanging out with them like I used to should ever question them about me and give them despair, I am quite sorry to say that I agree to disagree with the fact that you’ve judged me right.
With this blog entry, I want to make it clear that I am very happy that I get to move around a lot when I was a kid. I may NOT have been the quality friend that everyone would have in a movie. However I am very happy to say I’ve got people who love me for the imperfection that I seem to have.
Life is short. Think positive and think happy thoughts.
I don’t sit still and I float like it or not.
I used to refer myself to Katy from Mean Girls, which is the Lindsay Lohan character by the way. A girl who moved from place to place in her childhood. It’s not like I was moving shit load but I have not lived a phase in the same place for more than six years in my life. Five years of the unknown out of my mom’s stomach, six years in Bangkok, six years in Burma, three years in Singapore, three years in Burma, five years in Australia and a year and two months and 20 days later in Myanmar later, here I am typing out my blog entry for the twentieth of August, 2010.
I rarely had a childhood friend. That thought had never threatened me before except on the day I got a 43% in Geography, the day I swallowed a lot of pills when I was 20 and the day I was about to be deported from Australia, which didn’t really happen due to the faulty in the uni database. I thought of that because it was my weakness. It was there for me to blame. It was something I could blame it on when I was down in the dumps. “It’s because of you that I’ve become this way” “It’s because I did not have a proper childhood that I could not study” “I don’t have friends”
That’s going to change tonight. Tonight, I embrace the fact that I never had a childhood friend. Let’s be real. People change. My only friend who I know from grade 3 has a wife and a kid now and he’s struggling on his own. Don’t get me wrong; we love each other like brothers but it’s only normal that we cannot be like before. We change; some of our personalities stay with one of us, some changed and the other can’t adapt. It’s only the beauty of life that we are different from each other, from time to time even with our own thoughts.
I was offended today. I live my life. My life with never ending list of friends. I joined communities, societies and clubs. I drift from one stage to another. I change the style of music I listen to. I change my views on other people’s thoughts. What he said that time that didn’t make any friggin sense seems to be a normal life I would be living now. I was very offended today. Very.
I have a best friend in Sydney. She’s suffered a lot from this behavior I have. And like a true best friend caring for his best friend, I tried to reason with her. I tried to tell her that it’s me, not her. She wasn’t happy with that. We drifted apart a bit. We met again later. But she was ALWAYS there for me. Never has she failed to make me happy. We always pick up where we left off. She said to me how I could be wrong sometimes, to which I couldn’t say anything but kinda felt angry because it’s true. But she did mention how she loves me enough to accept me for what/who I was and am and could be. The day I left Australia, she wasn’t happy and she cried when I told her on the phone that I got deported. I never got to hear it because she hung up, followed by a text message saying “Sorry just had a cry”. She is the best friend of my life.
In Burma, I met an extraordinary person, who happened to seem to live the same parallel life as I do, except that she is more experienced, smarter and much more experienced than I am. She taught me the beauty of subtleness; about how things we dramatize about is just a speck of dust in our lives and about how we will keep seeing yet another stampede of dust in our lives as we grow. Life’s a struggle; she always looks relaxed. She is brave enough to show me her weakness, while she is also never hesitant to wait for others to compliment her. She wasn’t a show off. She shares spotlight with me. We bounce things off.
Now, from these two people, I somehow got spoilt. You can say spoilt because it seems like if I don’t end up with a person half as good as these two, I do not feel the need to go on being around them. As much as I would make any effort to be with these two, I got some other friends who know, deep inside, that I am a particle in their loves. I am a smudge of ink in their lives, permanent to some and pretty faded to a brown patch from a red ink to some. Somehow, the good ones and the best ones seem to know the trick to maintaining a friendship with me.
Rule Number 1: Do NOT justify anything.
Things don’t work that well. If you are to call me ‘wrong’, let me assure you that it’s only mutual that I might not like what you have done. And let me also tell you that there’s no such thing as a perfect person. You cannot set a rule to my being and you cannot tell me what my next move should be.
Rule Number 2: Pick up where we leave off.
We all need different scenes and different people to be around us. It’s only fair enough that one does not feel like a newb when one meets me again. If we clicked the last time, it’s only fair that we will click this time round.
Rule Number 3: Bounce spotlights.
I never ask for compliments. In fact, I do ACTUALLY get embarrassed and I get a bit weird when I get complimented. I love attention but I do also know that I do not really go around telling everyone what I am or who I am. I have never used anyone to lean myself on to be known. I have always depended on my ability. I have always tried the best I can not to feel like I owe anyone anything. And of course, it gets boring if I’m the strong one in a relationship (not necessarily a love one) and it can also get boring when the other one seems too strong. Weakness is the best attraction in a person.
These three rules make a complete me. Despite the fact that it might look too hard to follow them, I can summarize them in one sentence on what one should do after they see themselves as my friend.
“DO NOT INVITE UNNECESSARY MADE UP DRAMA”
That’s all I ask. I was triggered to write this blog entry. I may be out with a lot of friends in my life. I may have not invited everyone I know to a place. I may not be at a place where I used to be last week. I may have been lost this week. I may be sleeping in bed. I may have other issues to handle.
The last thing I want is someone telling me what I am feeling by their assumptions or intuition on what they see of me. It’s even worse when it gets more complicated when one tries to justify the reason behind the sudden change.
We are born to love ourselves. I do love myself enough to know where I want to be when I want to be with who I want to be and I do love myself to trust those around me to be there for me. I do love myself to know that I have not done anything wrong. I think a lot of others should try to do the same instead of telling me what I am doing and even worse categorizing to ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
I do not hate people. I do not hold grudges with anyone. If I feel like it, I will be back with those I’m friends with. It’s only fair that I get the chance to be free and do what I want. I have never caused anyone trouble or despair and if by not hanging out with them like I used to should ever question them about me and give them despair, I am quite sorry to say that I agree to disagree with the fact that you’ve judged me right.
With this blog entry, I want to make it clear that I am very happy that I get to move around a lot when I was a kid. I may NOT have been the quality friend that everyone would have in a movie. However I am very happy to say I’ve got people who love me for the imperfection that I seem to have.
Life is short. Think positive and think happy thoughts.
I don’t sit still and I float like it or not.
Listening to: MGMT – Electric feel
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