The Extended Meeting

Scared. Most of us are.
Arguements. They're not fights.
Equality. It should be practised rather than preached.

So, I was at a meeting where we're talking about handovers since I have this new contract at work for another project. Everything was going well until Moby(my big boss) said I would be known as 'transition team assistant' on document. That woke me up. Then, it scared me cos my big boss was doing something that is not in my favor.

First of all, yes, it's true my boss does have the right to do this and his intention was good actually. During my working with PR for six months, I was made an 'assistant analyst' and that was something I was proud of. Now, if this is not documented, nobody will know and my resume won't look pretty. His concern was the fact that I might not get paid as much as an analyst assistant could get, but treated like one. My concern was my future. I do need this referral indicated document that said I actually did some work. So, the meeting went on for like the next 30 minutes with me and Moby arguing about this. I guess rank does matter more to me, than money. This was something that could boost my future work.

Moby asked me to come out to the balcony with him after this meeting. He was smoking but we had a nice talk. I couldn't tell if he was being sincere since he lacks honesty really. I mean, for someone who said he loves transperancy on the last day of work, it's just a bit hard to absorb things he say as positive things to take for granted. He said I'm the most honest staff he's had and he was glad we got to have this open discussion. The chat went on and I was pretty generous when I told him he is one of those bosses I feel brave to give feedbacks to, be it positive or negative, despite the fact that he would react to them or not. Finally, we agreed on a double TOR (Terms of reference). So now I will be handover to this new project as both ranks.

Boss was impressed that I spoke up for myself. Little does she know, she's a huge inspiration at work and how I worship her courage. Also, I treated my big boss, Moby, as equal as I could. People talk about equality but they never seem to actually mean it. Isn't it even ironic Mardi gras just passed? hahaha... yes yes yes I'm proud to be gay but I'm also proud that straight people are existent and just because a retard beats up my friend, I hate their types. So, yeah, equality.... always make sure u have it measured! :)

Everybody goes to Hollywood

I finally stepped into the life of a celebrity, which I used to hate. I guess I was just bitter as someone who didn't make it big in the music industry scene. But then, this does NOT imply that there are no bitches in the industry. Still high in its percentage point, bitchiness reigns the music industry here. Backstabbings and lies are just some of the minor attributes of it. Ah well.. it's not like I need the industry to indicate the real me anyways so I chucked a 'whatever' and just try to live as much as I can and be one with it, but of course minus the bitchiness and some heinness inserted.

I got off work today at around 3:30pm to go to a local hospital for lipodissolve. It's NOT liposuction. It's injecting these chemicals into your stomach or any fatty area to melt the fats. Well, it won't miraculously burn them but of course it would boost workouts and diet. So, this means if I workout to decrease an inch, this would help me decrease several more.

The procedure involves putting ice packs on my stomach. I was nervous. Then the doctor injected a pain killer into my hip. Then, she took out this clawlike injector. It's a circle plate with five needles on it (picture inserted) and she inserted that in me 12 times around my stomach. So, technically, I have sixty holes on my stomach. Then, I just stayed on the stretcher for a good ten minutes and I was up and ready to get back to work for a 5pm meeting. At first, I was to go to my tailor after the meeting to get the outfit I was gonna wear for march gig but the tailor wasn't free. So yeah,... multitask much? Humanitarian work slash career management lol.

The injections hurt only a bit. I thought it was gonna ache me the whole night but it didn't but it leaves UGLY UGLY scars on my stomach. I look like a rape victim, who just got kicked and stabbed several times on my stomach. Little red polka dots of radius 2mm and HUGE HUGE dark purplish swollen scars.

Hmm.. things I'd do to look good....
if you think madonna looks young naturally, think again!!!!!

The Ghost of the Past

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to erase the past, it does come and haunt you. Even if you've got evidential facts that nothing bad's gonna happen and even after you promised yourself you won't step into the same trap again, one trip and you're back to square one to feel the burn. After I forgave Craig and after he apologized for so many times (which wasn't really needed since I was gonna forgive him anyways), I felt a rush of insecurity. It affected my work and my mind. I couldn't breathe right and all I kept seeing when I chat with Craig was Piggy. Piggy as in Piglet, a name given to my ex, Simon, who IS a great man don't get me wrong.

There was something he said that rushed through my head all the time whenever I'm in my lowest threshold for containing myself. "What happened to you, Hein? When I first knew you, you were confident." Yeah, what happened to me? It didn't help that there were so many guys out there who wanted to fuck my boyfriend and it didn't help either that he loved attention. I even let myself go onto someone while I was struck by the insecurity and I cheated on him. He never did. I did. Cos I needed to be reminded that I am still strong.

Craig is a good man. I've never judged him. He has some flaws as much as I have mine. I smirk whenever he says 'we're meant to be for each other' only cos I know it's true. But I never said it out loud or typed it to him. It was something that would just stay in my heart despite whatever he thought of me. I knew I've given him enough care and attention and I always make sure I got some left for him.

What he did was not wrong. He didn't do anything. But what he said made me cry, made me think twice, made me question myself and made me forgive him. I tried to stay three days without talking to him or getting online, but I couldn't even for twelve good hours. Then, I felt bad about myself, how weak I feel about myself. But then again, according to my rule in life, I like to live life like today's the last. So, I did stick to my guns. Modest and honest he is, he was happy. He did not chuck a 'oh i knew you were coming back' cocky shit like most men do. That impressed me.

Some say it's chemistry and some say it's invited. But the mixture of insecurity and fear I have when I talk to Craig now is unavoidable. I feel like a plague had just entered my mind. A sickness. An illness that I don't know if I could kill it. I killed it once but it struck again. Ah well, some actress did fight breast cancer twice and they made pink water bottle caps outta things. I guess, as an optimistic person as myself, I will get better soon but I can't help thinking what if this is another Simon and me... a relationship I created and killed.....

Letter to Life

Dear life,

I really wish I didn't hear/read what Craig had to say today. It's scarred me deep and I find it hard to trust him despite the fact that I know he truly loves me. Worst of all, my bad side has come out of its shell... the insecure Hein... oh fuck, I feel lonelier than ever......


Hein

Ca Plane Pour Moi

When you have a house party, you chuck convos with those around you. When you chuck convos around you, you end up picking up someone interesting. When you find someone interesting, you try to impress them. When you impress them, you try to be witty. When you get witty, you get attention. When you get attention, you get personal. When you get personal, you get their contact details.

It so turned out that I HAVE that personality and also this 'never lose' attitude. Being a loser in high school had taught me to NOT give up and be all insecure when you're intimidated. It's great to be able to chuck a convo at a party where you know only 2-4 people but when it comes to people who you don't know and who seems like they're bouncing convos off with u, it sucks when you don't have your boyfriend around you to let them know that you're taken and you're a homosexual. And it doesn't help that I don't scream around that I like cocks and how burma has kinda made me be me again after turning oxford street for five years in sydney lol.

At a housewarming party last night, a girl came and talked to me. She was so intimidating but I find this a challenge to better myself at social dealings. She sorta came out as a bitch, but a confident and a good one. So, we made conversation. Wits, bounced and all of the mentioned above all happened. I really might be wrong assuming she was hitting on me but I just can't help having long pauses when we look into each other and chuck weird chuckles and then start over again. Things kinda got real when she gave me her email address. So, there's a sequel to this???

After I got outta that convo, I felt guilty. No, I didn't feel guilty that I flirted with a chick while having Craig cos I know I'm totally not into her sexually. She's a nice girl and that's it. But like, I just hope I haven't misled her to thinking I'm interested or there is a sequel to our witty convo bounce-off. Sigh it's hard when you're not a flaming fag!

I find it cute some NGO big people got the hosts an oven for housewarming, since it 'warms' the house. So, Boss and I decided to come up with 'home blending' party, just so we could get blender. She finally came up with 'house squeezing' party cos she wants a juice squeezer. So, I was one of the last people to leave the house party at 3am. Two french men, one of them being one of the big dudes of some NGO and the other one this cute frenchie i worked with during a consultation. I ended up calling the biggy "Plastic Bernard" since the only french song I know "Ca plane pour moi" is sung by Plastic Bernard and he loves it. The other cutie.. I could call him "Le Confuse" cos I'm so sure there's a streak of bisexuality in him. Boss was there and this other guy (who I might start jamming jazz songs with soon), who was yet another biggie from an NGO, was there as well. So, Boss, Plastic Bernard, Le Confuse, JazzyGuitarist and I ended up walking on the streets at 3am where there was literally NO taxi cabs.

Plastic Bernard was so funny. It's cute to see how these big shots of some orgs are actually so young at heart and so funny in the 'humor' department. JazzyGuitarist joined in later and we ended up singing "Bohemian Rapsody" on the cab. Wayne's world much? Never knew the big serious looking guy who sits across me in meetings while I write minutes would be singing Queen's classic songs with me in a cab, huh? LOL

Immigrants-R-Us

4am call from my lawyer started my day today. She felt kinda bad for waking me up but it was just one of those calls I rather get. Like HIV calls where the doctor would not talk about your results on the phone but only in person, my lawyer refused to email me this and instead called me all the way to burma.

In summary, the 'man', whoever he is, has decided to ditch the offshore PR applications prior 2007 and would refund these people back. The point system's gonna change and my application would depend on the new point system. I panicked since mine JUST made it and normally when/if point systems change, it's normally an increase in requirements of marks. But she said it would be a revamp, which means it's just gonna change everything. Like I might get more marks or lesser marks depending on the uni I attend. Another thing is how each work field's gonna cap the people who applied for PR. For example, if they need 500 IT people for 2008, ONLY 500 would be chosen. Since the point system is unstable and the work fields have yet to be announced, a lot of people going for offshore pr application starting from now on have been re-considering.

My view to this is.. AWESOME!!!!!

Yes, it's scarier.. but it's more practical. It will be a faster procedure. Once they're done with the 2008 applications, the 2009 applications can just come right in. At the same time, the capping would allow the rejectees to not be waiting for next year. It's a better way of sifting out applications.

Of course I would get it if I'm in one of the cappers and if my marks make it to the new marks requirement...

Immigration is NOT easy. One old man looked at me while I was sitting on a bus in Sydney once and he shoved a finger at me. I was offended but I guess I understand why he did that. This goes out to all of the people who I've always wondered how they got Permanent residency in other countries.

1. Click with the culture. If your culture is incredibly different from the culture of the country that you're migrating to, my advice is to BLEND with it. I worked in Jayjays and I could just list down how some immigrants are. Chinese, Indians, Burmese.. it's not about the races. It's about the people who just can't adapt. Slapping my shoulder for attention, shouting back at me if I don't do what they ask me to or just being plainly rude, I got sick of immigrants.

2. The village!!! God, I hate this.. This happens to ANY nationalities. They would circle their little group of people from the same nationality on anzac parade and such. Worse than that, strathfield looks like Kimchee town and Parramatta reminds me of New Dehli. George Street and its chinatown is just the same. I mean, if you're not in your country, you can stop being in this little minority group. And most importantly stop being racist and stop calling others racist. I got a lot of australian friends from uni. Some are of chinese origins, some indians.. but they NEVER have made any claims about races. They never say bad shit about australia or other people nor themselves. DOn't hate your nationality and don't hate australia. But at least stop talking in ur language and going in groups. You want China, go back to China.

3. The sense of humor. "Your mother" jokes. Chinese old women would gasp, indian women would faint and burmese people would cringe. It's part of the society. Australia's quite well known for its sense of humor. Chillaxed at its peak, nothing could offend anyone. I mean, there might be fights of course once in a while but just because I made a joke about your mother does not necessarily mean I am going to have sex with her.. Comprendez?

4. Last but not least, be open minded. You are in a country where they have gay pride march. For fuck sake, stop making faces when you see minorities. You'd see emo kids with black eye-liners and the last thing you would wanna do is give a dirty cos seriously I'll bash the shit outta you.

It's bad enough for Australian citizens to have some of these bad traits and the country does NOT need any aliens who are going to be such annoyance to the country. I am not trying to make every immigrants australian. It's cute to know your culture, practise it once in a while and to not forget where you come from

But seriously if you're gonna be in australia and never learn to speak english, blend it with the crowd or get aussie jokes, i'd say fuck off.

I like this system. I'd still like it even if I get rejected from the PR application.

The World Around Me

Internet connection suck balls today once again. haha nothing new and as I was checking if I had Moby following me on gbuzz, I saw an email from my lawyer in sydney. They wanted my number and they wanted to contact me. I rushed replied and now I'm not quite sure if I had actually put in the area code.

I came back and I was talking to my 'national' colleagues, those genius that I worked with, who are very skilful but just not expressive because of the whole Burmese hierarchical work theory. I was telling them about the intense meeting, which I do not want to blog about and I was telling them about getting an email from my lawyer. There was a bit of a silence and they started expressing how I would be missed and then all of us started talking about how our contracts would be extended.

The fact is we make a good team and it's either you give all of us the job or NOT. The only thing that is bugging is the budget from the donors. I was talking with Boss about how donors get money. I was surprised to notice how ignorant I had been and how politics is ALWAYS involved and the whole 'give and take' plays a major role ANYWHERE.

I lost so many friends in the past because of talks of religion and politics. I was judged because of politics. I was misled because of it. All of these in the past had haunted me to be so ignorant about the world around me. Boss started telling me a couple of things, to which I just listened with my mouth open. Boss was pretty sad that all of us at work are dying to know if our contracts would be extended or not. I told her if there was a time where they have to make a decision who to put on the team or not, I told her to NOT prioritize me. My colleagues have family and they have a settlement they are trying to make. I am still yet on the move and I don't even know if I'm gonna be around for long. It would be sad to see anyone of my colleagues losing their jobs because I got into his/her place.

Life is sad at times but we soldier on and I guess it's about time I read Newsweek or Time... I guess I have to learn a bit about the world around me.....

P.S. I pray that my colleagues would get their job extension. It kills to see them worried about their next job when they're geniuses who I have soldiered with hand in hand. Writing this blog makes me teary. It feels good to be loved and appreciated by good people around me, who deserve to be given some credits for their abilities.

Buzz Caught

I love gmail buzz. It's a google version of twitter but only that you can access it while you have your inbox open and your chatbox open. I knew it had sixty something followers on my list but golly, I forgot how Moby IS in one of my gmail contacts list.

So, all of those messages I've buzzed about him has been read by Moby. The worst thing is when I left my puter screen on and I put my facebook status that has to do something with how deadlines should be given and end product should be given more precisely, which was a huge diss to Moby, since he LOVES to prolong tasks only when it's to be done. So, while I was lunching with Boss, I don't know what happened but when I got back, my puter screen was switched off and there was a message from Moby asking about whether I have finished the task he's assigned me in time.

The fact is I need to work with the ITguy, who was out because he was given another task to do by Moby. Then, I told Moby that it was because ITguy wasn't around and he joked 'oh blame it others, do we?' He chucked this smile that shows his two frontal yellow teeth. Honestly it's a cute smile but coming from someone out of mockery and him being not my favorite big boss, it disgusted me. What is this? Mind games? Mockery?

So, I feel like I'm being harrassed at work for being too expressive on my buzz or facebook. FML much?

First Cyber Sex

Flash games are SO addictive. Since I have a studio date tomorrow, I just played this pokemon memory card flash game and talked to craig for a few hours. We had our first cyber sex. Despite its cheesiness, it was a great way to boost frustration although I have to say the shower when I get home was long and quite worth it.

Ok, now I'm gonna shut up!! :D
Pokemon card games RULEZ!!!

Cointreau King

It's not every morning you remember what you've dreamt about. It's not even every minute that you could recall the exact details of the elements in your dream. This morning I woke up with the cocktail I drank in the dream called "cointreau king".

The funny thing happened when I was still in Sydney. I did not have any plans to come back to Burma and I didn't even come back for my sister's wedding but somehow I dreamt a lot about Burma during Med Revue and this was way before I knew I had to come back to Burma. I had been dreaming a lot about Sydney lately, but it's usually because I think of Craig a lot and two out of three of my dreams were nasty. Yes, I am sexually frustrated and can't wait til Craig gets here.

However, amidst these justifications I had for dreaming about Sydney, googling the word 'cointreau king' made me happy. I googled the word cointreau king inside double quotes. I found only one result on page 1 of the results that had the word together. Cointreau king as opposed to cointreau bla bla bla bla king. So, I went inside that website. It displayed a menu of a restaurant and one of them said something something cointreau and on the next line was King Street. Disappointed that it was not two words on the same line together, the name of the street caught my attention. When I checked out the name of the restaurant once again, it happened to be some restaurant in Sydney, Australia. Hmmm...

And the last I heard from the immi via Ma Thi was about how those applications before 2007 would be ceased and refunded and how the applications after now would be ceased as well. Plus, each application would take 1 year after their application date. Also, chefs and hairdressers field were cut down from critical list for work fields.

If my mathematics is correct, given my application was in june 2009 for IT working field, I might have a chance to get chosen or picked for consideration. I am quite confident for the marks and the only factor that is in my way is the time taken for them to NOTICE my application. Now that they have sifted out those that are ceased, maybe it's about time Sydney focuses on my PR application.

Give and Take

Give and Take... I guess that's what friends or people who care about you do..

Not long ago, I was having a huge low self esteem outburst. I lost myself and I started to think of myself as something not useful. This morning, one of my colleagues from the finance sector (Finance Chick = FC) came into my room. Now, at work, my room fits about 50 people standing up and it's huge and only I stay in there with five small tables and a huge meeting table. She came in and she started crying.

I was surprised only because I've never seen her cry and knowing that sometimes people cry, it was still unbelievable that she cried since she and I rarely talked much. She was sharing me her story at work, to which I could relate to. I just listened to her. I felt a bit bad that she was crying but deep inside I kinda feel good that at least someone sees me as a good person. At least someone believes in me to come open up to me about something I could relate to. I promised her I won't tell anyone. (Blogwise, I didn't mention her name and no one from work reads this blog anyways)

So, some hours later, someone came into my huge ass room at work and asked me to tell one of the enumerators that we are not using his idea. Well, it wasn't really his idea but it was just something he was eager about and we're rejecting it. First of all, I wasn't the one who led this team of enumerators. Second, the person who actually is the leader of this team KNOWS what was happening. All she had to say was "O we are not doing what you asked us to do because the big boss says so". And she HAD to just make me say it. So, I just feel like she's taking the good credit and asking me to be the evil rejector. It went fine and at first I was so angry at it I had to go whinge at my other workmates (including FC) about this. Later, I learnt that since I'm the one who's done it I would be better at managing a group of enumerators in the future.

Give and take. FC and I had the same day at work but somehow both of us know how we both felt that day. I looked at her when I was whingeing and she nodded. She knew exactly how I was feeling.

Sushi Shack

Being at work was frustrating today since any topics that Craig and I would talk about end up being sexual. I can't help it. He'd be like "I don't know how both of us fits together" and I'd be thinking about the actual fixture between us literally. He'd be talking about how he watches horror movies and I'd be thinking about what I would be doing to him if we were seeing a horror movie together. He ended up giving in anyways and sex became topical for the rest of the day.

So, I have cancelled gym once again but this time it's for food. So, I take that as a lame excuse. We went for sushi at Sushi house with Boss, Moby(Big boss), Aunty(my colleague at work who knows my dad) and of course others were there like Ms Classy(this chick I ADORE at work whose middle name should be 'class'), Filobro (my colleague from Philippines), Girlfriend (my Vietnamese colleague who calls me her boyfriend and I call her girlfriend and lately my Boss has been calling me boyfriend too), Ostrich (the cool Austrian friend), Sayang (the gay dude at work) and his partner "Chocolate" (I used to think his name was a name of a chocolate) and this baldy, who I have no idea of. Baldy was quite quiet.

It was nice to see them since tomorrow they'd be on their trips, either holiday or deligations work-related. Oh, how I wish I get deligated to Sydney.

Craig has become such a "live" element in my life now. Despite the fact that I haven't seen him for so long, I see him as part of my life and he's everywhere in my conversations, head or just around me. It's kinda cute how some people treats him like my boyfriend, as opposed to two online people who haven't met since the Stonewall incident, when we were both strangers. It sounds weird to me but things have been handled pretty well.

I ate like a pig... so much for diet routine.... but it was such a good hangout and I get to hang out a lot with Boss. I swear if I haven't got Craig and if Boss had a penis, we would be such a good couple. It's even funnier when everyone around us assumes that we're a couple and whenever we get free roses from the flower shop or free food from the vender, just because we look good together, it felt awesome. It's an extreme boost for both of us. Especially for me since Craig is someone outta my league and I've managed to get him fortunately. So, the walk to the sushi place from the pagoda was awesome. The fact that Boss goes around telling that I'm her boyfriend doesn't help others from not thinking we're a couple. Ah well, it does me wonder for my career since it's not easy to be the Burmese Adam Lambert...

Skinny Routine 2

Last time I came out of surgery, I was bloated. Almost a month on bed with a patch on my ass, I couldn't move around much. I killed it in two weeks time and lost almost 20 lbs but my routine was unhealthy. On diet pills, no eating after twelve and workouts in the evening, my routine went fast but it did not have any effect back then. But months later, I couldn't sing and I've quit diet pills.

This time round, I'm recollecting any possibilities of losing weight and my belly before the photo shoot or before Craig gets to Burma. I went to a doctor today to consult about lipodissolve. Unlike liposuction, this process involves injecting a needle into your stomach. This liquid dissolves your fats into your blood veins. I have also talked to the elder doctors and they seem pretty confident that it's an ok method. I guess this is what Britney would do as well.

This won't stop me from doing gym and eating boiled food. I have been on anything boiled for a week now and I've been feeling quite good about it. Gymwise, I'm trying my best to go there as much as I could. I am also trying my best to do more activities that would involve me moving around a lot. I did squash last week with Boss and this week, I am considering boxing with Steve or badminton with Shoko. At the same time, I have bought a drinkable cholestrol-lessening vinegar which could be consumed after every meal. Surprisingly, it tastes like Ribeena.

I've promised myself that I won't put more pics of my facebook profile until results show. Let's see how things go.

Four Hours to Kill Forty Eight Hours

Forty eight hours of happiness and that satisfying feeling and all it took was one morning of four hours to spoil it all.

Sunday was an awesome day. Woke up at six am, completed two songs for my album in the studio, went and played squash with my boss, went to gym for an hour and a half afterwards and finally I made it to double A's first year anniversary with his wife. Of course, I met those I want to meet and I met those who I don't even want to waste of my breath on. It was also nice to see this girl who I used to have a huge crush on back when I started to know double A's wife. After the party, double A's wife was saying something about a teddy bear and I was wondering whatever she meant by that until we parked our car at this spot and walked down to a house. In front of the house was this 3 foot tall bear, yes a bear that we would see in a zoo, but god, he was so tamed and so cute. Double A's wife fed him left over french fries from their anniversary. I was amazed at how Burmese has more varieties in animals you could keep as pets.

So, this morning, Monday morning, I got to work and things just turned bad one by one, which kinda acumulated to me being a bit of a sulker.

1. My boss asked me for the participants' list from one of our meetings. It so happened that I was not the one in charge of it but since I was the minute taker then, I should've taken care of that. So, it was not like my boss wasn't happy but she chucked a "you should" tone on me, which, to my sensitive soul, was like a needle to a balloon.
2. Craig came online. Actually, I read his email. He broke our deal about drinking. We were not supposed to drink until the second of April. When he said that he's broken it and he felt so bad, my only reaction was 'meh'. I mean, I did this deal just so he won't drink much and it's not like we could turn back time to not make him drink and being an asshole of a boyfriend to blame him and fuck his ego up would only screw him up. However, I felt kinda guilty that the broken promise did not have a huge impact on me. If this happened to other couples, boy, they'd be in war by now.
3. I was talking to my sister and she said mom had a check up and the doctors were not that pleased with her kidneys and she might have to go for another check up. I hate it when mom's sick.
4. Apparently, the immigration law in Sydney has changed for those who have applied for PR. But what I heard from Ma Thi was contradictory and both of us are confused. One was about them halting anyone who applies for PR from now on. That's quite okay given the country would now focus on those left to be given the permanent residency. The second one states that the application after September 2007 would be ignored. Ok, I applied mine in 2009, so does this mean I'm ignored? I wrote an email to my lawyer.

I told Craig everything and he was not happy at all. I just don't know what will happen to both he and I or my return to sydney. Is it still possible? The fact that I'm gonna be jobless after this month makes it worse for me to not enjoy my Monday morning.

The rest of the day was dull, except for the part where I chat with Craig. I was sleepy most of the time and I was made to play guitar like five times to rehearse the song the work team was gonna sing at the closing ceremony tomorrow. I mean, I'm still a n00b at this job but I find it quite weird to have the enumerators sing a song at the launch of our statistical publication launch. Isn't this where we should be showing them a video footage of victims of the storm with Kenny G- like music in the background , as opposed to our big boss going 'look at us we're singing and we're so cool'. I mean, I love the enumerators but seriously, given that our work did require some help from the government to save the country, a vocal performance out of a three days rehearsal was just bleak and too dumb. Ah well, you do what you gotta do. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. God bless our big boss who used to be a stage actor when he was younger. And yes, that was a huge sarcasm. Urgh

Future Told and Past visited

The initial plan for yesterday was to meet the fortune teller with my friends, go to gym and go to KC's house to work on more songs and sleep over there.

Then, it changed to meet the fortune teller with my friends, go to 'body combat' with Boss and go to KC's house to work on more songs and sleep over there.

What really happened was:

I love planning and I love it more with I spend my day productively spontaneously. It's a good feeling, trust me. So, I woke up at 9am for a Saturday. The fortuneteller (FT) was pretty late but we went to my friend's house. I don't think it's fair to mention which friends since all of them would like to keep things confidential. When I arrived to my friend's house, I got to ask FT first. So, the deal here is.. he telling me things and then I ask him accordingly. So, he goes on and on about stuffs, quite hopeful. He kept going on about me meeting someone or having someone near me soon. All I could think of in my head was "Craig". So, it was my turn to ask questions. I tried indirect speech or euphymism but I didn't feel like I got the message through. So, finally I told FT that I am someone who goes for the same gender. Sadly, he didn't look surprised. haha.

It was cute to find out how accepting he was and how he started sharing some other things to be kept to confidentiality. Very blogworthy but can definitely turn me into one big fat gossip queen. He is a fortune teller for most of the celebrities and most of the celebs have succeeded via him. There are ways for fortune tellers to give you things to do to prevent bad shits from happening. Some of them requires voodoolike stuffs but FT mostly base his 'good deeds' on Buddhism and just simple things like 'putting flowers in a vase in a pagoda'. I was quite surprised to find out almost 90% of the people in the entertainment industry in Burma's at least practises androgyny, let alone same gender preference. Wide eyed yet not feeling alone anymore, it was a warm speech he gave. He treated homosexuality like a normal thing and not something of any sorts that would fuck me off to hell.

Then, my other two friends had their fortune read and the day went on with me ending up in the internet cafe, telling Craig about the day. It was cute to see him notice me getting all excited. His response? The same old line that never grows old on me. "I love you so much".

Gym was cancelled only because by the time I had finished eating after I got my fortune read was 3pm and wating for an hour and a half for my digestion to do his job was a bit impossible cos that would lead me to do gym at 6pm. Boss, outta nowhere, suggested I go to 'body combat' with her. From the way both Boss and I understood 'body combat', it was people punching and kicking the shit outta an imaginery someone in front of them with some good music in the background. It was actually scheduled at 6pm but it started at 5:30 pm when we got there. My boss and I stared at the people inside the class and our jaw dropped.

1. The class had ONLY women.
2. They were slowly lifting 1lbs weight to a height of 1inch or so.
3. Pay 8 dollars for raising the stupid weight slowly? Fuck that.
4. The background music was Sheryl Crow's "All I wanna do".

My boss and I were disappointed but we suggested on going to Chinatown to have that porkroll-fries that I kinda showed my boss last time and she got to liking them. Typical, isn't it? Work out plan fails and we stuff ourselves with sympathy food therapy.

Now, walking with Boss reminds me of Indiana Jones. How you would have a map and you would show the travelled route. In order to get to Chinatown, we passed Little India. It's funny how we transformed from normal Burmese environment to little India, where the food sold on the streets were mainly Indian. Then, minutes later, it transformed into Chinatown, and the fact that it was Chinese New Year made it too obvious for one to not notice it was Chinatown. Boss and I ended up eating a lot as we go. So, both of us decided to do something active at least. So, we walked from Chinatown to boss's place, which was a 1 hour and 15 minutes walk from Chinatown Latha Street to Shwe Gone Dine Hotel. It was approximately the same distance from Bondi to Maroobra.

Boss and I opened up. We talked about our childhood and our exes. Guys we've dated. It was interesting and it felt good that I got told of these things since it shows how my relationship with my boss has always been growing. Like a big sister and like her small brother, we walked home, unaware of our tired feet until we reached to our hotel and saw my car waiting for me.

I didn't end up going to KC's house but it was good since I really needed the rest for the studio this morning.

Boyfriends Equality

It's funny how Craig and I have a bit of a balance when it comes to security. Just last month, Craig had been hard to deal with to be honest. We fought like two times a week. I stressed him out. No matter how much I think I'm trying to make things right, there would always be a tinge of insecurity he would feel. Easily jealous and annoyingly sensitive, my boyfriend was a piece of work. The funny thing was the fact that the aftermath of all mother of arguements would be such a stress despite its 'feel good' once it's resolved. So, you got me explaining things and apologizing when needed genuinely and working things out; that made Craig happy as much as me proud to have been there for him.

For some reason, Craig changed overnight. I forgot which day it was but thanx to the teleport thingy in Burma, the internet connection has been quite cruel. I couldn't get online, my farmville plants rot and most of the people on facebook was happy due to the lack of abundant status changes every hour, which bombarded their 'home' pages with notifications. Worst of all, my chats to Craig on gtalk became a fickle light switch.

Like a light bulb during a storm or an indecisive bisexual, my 'status' green light on gtalk flickered from green to grey and vice versa. Now, normally whenever I get offline without a brb or an explanation, Craig would be either mad or just unsure about what's going on. He would chuck a tantrum or just question whenever I come back online. Worst of all, he would overlook the situation and what started from a slap in the face would become a bloody assault in the face. Not this time anymore. For some reason, Craig has been calm these days. Has he given up on me? Was he testing me? Was he being sarcastic? Is he holding onto it just for the sake of it?

Questions rose and then I realized I have become the last month Craig. By questioning myself with doubt had turned me into one insecure boyfriend, with the worst case being an annoying retard.

I raised it up. I mean, I only have him to share this with and he's the only person who could help me out with a solution. Surprisingly, he's become the last month Hein, if not any better, a calmer one. So, we traded roles. He saw this as equality. He thinks we're equal now whereas I think I've become the sensitive little prick while he becomes little Buddha.

Come to think of it again, it's a good feeling that he's there for me. So Ma Thi was right, you COMPLIMENT in a relationship and my BOSS is right about the relationship being 'work' or a 'process'.

Trainers Orgy

In case you haven't noticed, I decided that this year I would at least try to be clean once again. It's been a while since I stayed away from alcohol, weed and cigarettes. So, my resolution for January was to lessen them as much as I could. I also do this "Koe Nawin" Buddhism routine, where I would technically have to stay dry for 81 days, be veggo every 9 days and do rosary beads according to the schedule in that routine. To be honest, I don't really know what the prayers mean but I know that its intention is to repeat good wills repeatedly while your fingers focus on the beads. During that moment, you are supposed to just focus on the beads and the air you breathe. I guess, for 15-20 minutes a day, it's totally awesome to keep repeating something I don't know but yet know its intention. I never followed the strict routine though. I would still drink alcohol and I would not be right with my veggo days. What did you expect? I was a uni student back then.

January changed that. I did the beads in the first week but because of Ma Pauk's wedding, I drank. I mean it's only once in your life that your friend gets married. Then, I started another routine and I was going very well actually. No alcohol and veggos every nine days and not only that but I managed to convince my boyfriend to stay dry. Well, we made a deal. He doesn't want me eating pizzas so no pizzas and alcohol for both of us. It didn't work and the worst thing was it was not because I broke the drinking rule nor the veggo rule. I said the wrong prayers on the wrong day.

February, I started yet another round and this time, I cannot stay dry only because 81 days later would be way after Craig would be here and gone. But somehow because of our deal, I'm 100% dry on alcohol. So, I also quit diet pills since I was torturing my strength and I couldn't even chuck a tune properly when I was on them. So, gym was a necessity for me. And I've also decided February would be my sporty month, given there would be photo shoots and magazine interviews in March/April. I would love to look as fit as I can.

Gymwise, I got sick of hotel gyms. Yes, it's true they have good caterings and pretty clean atmosphere but nothing beats the gym I used to go five years ago. Located in some university in Burma, it's a gym with people who would compete in one of those flexy-go-go contests. Despite the cool fact that there are real body builders in there, they can come up as somewhat cheap and poor. But I like that. I like the whole buddy atmosphere with mouths that don't speak a language where you would have invisible barbwires on them. They would be straight forward and blunt with you. And they're cool cos they're not superficial or insanely stupid like those high paid trainers whose ideal dream is to host the biggest loser and pick on the fatties.

This gym, called Hard Body, has five trainers and they'd be walking around helping people in the gym(DUH). I do not really stick to one trainer so I get pretty much ass-raped by all of them. Well, not literally. Just swung around and made to do things that I have already done. I don't mind though cos this would make me fitter and I would rather be naked with Craig without my tyre like belly and I don't wanna have to use photoshop for my album cover.

I feel like Snow White and the five dwarves, except for the fact that I do not own that crappy Walz Disney Snow White princess like falsetto, which was the only reason why that cartoon became the Walz Disney cartoon with the worst princess. And no I do not wear yellow gowns with puffy dark blue arm balloons with red stripes. I am not Snow White period. The five dwarves were more like five fit men, but just like the dwarves, I could name them one by one.

Trainer 1
Name: Blackeye
Description: The first day of gym, he had a blackeye and he has this roundshaped untrimmed number 2 hair which makes him look like a hairball from the back. He's a great singer though and he can do background harmony singing way better than some professional singers out there.
Favorite: His way of training me was 'do not overdo repititions but do them efficiently and don't outtire urself'. He's the only one who lets me go for water breaks. He's also a big fan of cardio and if he's in charge, I'd be spending most of my time on the treadmill. Not cool but feels good.

Trainer 2
Name: Dialect
Description: He's actually Rakhine. This is one of the races in Myanmar. Just like how Chinesees have Mandarin and Cantonese, he has this weird ass accent which would make him repeat everything he says twice to me. Short yet fit and he's got the body I want really. Not that lean muscled but just right.
Favorite: He believes in repititions. If blackeye would ask me to do 2 rounds of 15 repititions, this one would be asking me for 3 rounds. He talks a lot too, which is kinda cool cos sadly, gym machines make me sleepy for some reason.

Traner 3
Name: CrossEyed
Description: Just as they've got Eagle Eye Cherry in the show biz, my gym has Cross Eyed Trainer. And seriously this guy needs an eye patch. Sometimes, I couldn't even tell who he would be talking to. Me or the wall or someone behind me? Dude, make up your mind!!
Favorite: He's the timebomb. He would ask me to be on treadmill or the cycle machine MORE THAN any of those trainers mentioned above combined. 20 minutes on the treadmill today. Dude, what's wrong with you?

Trainer 4
Name: Gin
Description: It's not the alcohol. It's the Chinese rapper, Gin. He looks EXACTLY like Gin but alot fitter and leaner. He's this mr lovesick who keeps talking to me about girls he would love to screw and how his failed marriage affected his life to become so bitter. When asked for his age, he's 23. Give me a break, bro.. you have a long way to go.
Favorite: He HATES counting. He's all bad things from the other trainers combined. He hates counting, never consistent with repititions and he would always question me whenever I think I'm done with my routines. "Going home early??" I'd be like "dude, your gym closes in two minutes"

Trainer 5
Name: Shorty
Description: Now, this one would qualify as one of the dwarves. He's just puny and ironically he's the dude who's been in body building contests. He reminds me of the incredible hulk cos he would look like tobey maguire normally but as soon as he strips and flexes, he looks like 'Dr Hyde and Testerone' gone wrong animal.
Favorite: He's the 'go with the flow'. Something tells me he's afraid to communicate with me. After two months in that gym, all he's ever said to me was 'nice watch'. Thanks?

So, today I was trained by Blackeye. It was good since he's my favorite anyways. I have five trainers with me and now we just have to wait and see what's next on my facebook profile picture. Well, the 'no sugar, no oil but boiled food' diet has been a great help so far. Substituting diet pills and annorexia, Craig and my friends would be proud.

Animal Instinct

It's amazing how nature can be so weird yet normal. It's in our everyday lives but one would fail to notice unless he's some weirdo working for Discovery Channel. I was on my way home from work yesterday when I saw this swarm of flying objects in the sky. Normally, birds do fly in the evening in a huge ass swarm. Yesterday was different. It was this huge ribbon like pattern in the sky with THOUSANDS of birds. I felt like I've been shown a trailer for the movie "Birds" in real life. Then, my chauffeur told me there was this swarm of bats that flew to our pagoda from Brazil or something, but when I had a look at the swarm, it was itsy sparrows in a huge ribbon pattern formed by thousands of them. The length was the total width of six cars parked side by side. It was freaky to be honest. Is this another Nargis indication? If so, it's hallelujah, work opportunity but a bad bad thing catastrophewise. I mean, you are never sure if your house would be in one of the locations any bad shit's gonna pass.

Two days ago, mom came over to my place when I was at work and bathed E-Boo. My dog, E-Boo, is one crazy motherfucker. He would ONLY allow mom to bathe him. Even then, this consists of him playing hide and seek with mom for like half an hour and only when one of them insisted the game is over, it'd be dog shampoo time for E-Boo. E-Boo never knew mom went overseas. To him, it seemed like it's been a while since mom last visited our house. So, as predicted, when I came back from work that day mom bathed him, he was more than overjoyed to come greet me. Now, this is the dog who refused to take pics with me or even come to me while mom was away. It was nice to wrestle with him as well, given he smells way better and his 'what the fuck did you eat' breath was long gone.

Yesterday, it was quite heartbreaking to see E-Boo. Mom is leaving today and I bought a tiramisu for her to eat. Ok, NO ONE IN MY FAMILY KNOWS tiramisu. Seriously, god's creation at its best and they have yet to learn. So, given I got paid not long ago, I offered to treat everyone tiramisus. Sadly, uncle had a bad stomach, grandma had a bad cholestrol level and gramp refused to eat since grams was not eating. So, mom was my only victim and I somehow convinced her to eat it. She thought it was too rich. So, when I got back home from mom's, I got this two huge ass plastic bags with food in them that mom's bought for me. E-Boo sniffed them right away, wagged his tail and pointed his nose to the door. I would like to think he meant to say "Where's mom?". I love E-Boo and E-Boo loves me a lot to the point he will not bite or do me any harm but since I come second to mom, E-Boo was not happy. However, that poor son of a bitch kept loitering around hoping mom would just pop up in any seconds. I rubbed his belly and kissed his nose. Played with him a bit. Poor dog. He had NO IDEA mom is gonna leave today, probably for a very long time.

Watching E-Boo and the birds made me think. Are we humans really smart or have we been ignoring some senses that we might've had since birth? How can birds tell there's a storm coming? How can cats leave the house of someone who's about to die? How can dogs know their favorite owners were around them? It makes us wonder. At the same time, the mystery in itself is just yet another beauty of life. Won't it be boring to know it all? (Hear that, nerds????)

Durian Frenzy

If I was Alice and if there is a sequel to the wonderland or looking glass, it would be called Alice in Durianland. Ok, I guess I could be called Alice.. just for this entry. Durians are evil. First of all, they are thorny. I was listening to Miley Cyrus' Seven things during work and it got me thinking about seven things I like about Durians.

1. they're delicious
2. they're tasty
3. the color is yellow, which kinda symbolizes 'fresh' in my opinion and if one don't like the color 'yellow', that's his/her problem.
4. they are juicy
5. the seeds are huge and the skin can be easily peeled unlike watermelons where you have to put your head in the bin most of the times to sift out those annoying brown seeds.
6. It's seasonal, which makes it exciting for those who are waiting to get their hands on them, like how Irish people look forward to St Patrick's day... hmm or maybe not.. given Irish people just consume beer anyday.
7. lastly, it's self protected and it does not require any barb wire around it. Have you ever heard of durian thieves? I mean, this fruit is huge and just heavy and thorny that one would consider running away with it in his/her hand before stealing it from someone.

It was until today that I noticed just like Miley Cyrus's song, it's got seven things I hate about them.

1. The smell lingers on your hand, or any parts of your body that had contact with it.
2. You burp durians.
3. It's a fruit full of heat, so if one has sensitive skin, it's hello to acneland.
4. The heat in it also makes you have bad breath, and I am not referring to durian breath. More like how Noel Gallagher's breath would smell like everynight before he sleeps.
5. High in cholestrol and fat, this fruit brings shame to Kirstie Alley's bikini deals.
6. Not a lot of people like this smell. It's a love and hate and you have people around you chucking a 'let's stay away' at you once you have durians in your system.
7. You still friggin crave for it despite hating the aftermath.

So, Sayang (the gay dude in my office and yes this is a code name) had offered to take us on a 'durian frenzy'(as he called it), which was just a treat of durian to those who dared to come with him. He claimed that durian is the king of fruits. I have no idea where he got this info from but I think it's totally cute and ah well, when it comes to free fruit treat, Hein's in.

Work was pretty productive yesterday. Yes it's true the connection was horrible but as usual Craig and I managed to talk and this time around, it's about Grey's Anatomy, popsicles, test tube babies, high school beat ups and reading. Despite this 'never ending out of topics' convo with him, I managed to work on a five paged protocol about the generator once again. Yes, it's the god-damn protocol. Today, it was just integrated into more details and what was a two paged protocol turned into a five pager. I was happy and I have to say this is one of the documents I kinda took charge of and kinda did a research on my own. That's what Burmese internet connection does to you. Five paged protocol.

Gym was totally skipped because of the Durian frenzy but it was nice to see my cousins again at night at Coffee Circle, where I was just swallowing seven laxative pills with an Italian soda called Blue Curacao. For fuck sake, can they just call it 'Blue liquid'? The laxative was just to make sure I detox the whole durian that I've swallowed outta my system since it's a huge constipation booster. Poe Thar (the forth youngest cousin) couldn't make it and it was funny cos this hangout was for him since he was going abroad again. Ah well, It was nice hanging out with KC, Maliboke, May T, Ko Ya and KC's cute cousin, who grew up in Taiwan and who had no idea how to speak Burmese fluently. Cute boy!! I find it hard to believe how Chinese products could attract me. (No, I wasn't thinking of doing anything to him in case you're reading this, Craig.. it's an appreciation and I wasn't even thinking anything perveworthy.. ok?)

Protocol Impossible

I don't mean to sound like a Nazi or someone who's lost ground but despite the fact that work has been kind to me lately and has given me more time to chat with Craig, I was given a task that made me wanna just be a character in a video game where I could just shoot Moby million times and he won't die. Yes, I do NOT like hurting people but at times, multiple kills knowing the person's not gonna die seems the very best thing to do, especially if you have a boss who don't know what he's doing.

So, I was asked to come up with a protocol. Protocol that involves UPS, USB port, serial ports, generators and a huge ass server. Now, you've got two 5000W generators and one 2000W generator. The whole objective was to come up with a flow chart on what we should do if there's a powercut. The huge ass server is quite vulnerable and fuses are not friendly with the word 'off' and 'on', used spontaenously and simultaneously within a short range of time between them. So, I had to deal with abbreviations.

To make things worse, this is Burmese mentality at work. Burmese people are friggin smart. They're smart cookies and they can absorb more than spongebob in a caffeine pool. However, because of this hierarchy issue, they would normally just shut up and not try harder to explain things. Since big boss, Moby, was oversea, my Boss was in charge. Boss explained her side of the story but that was totally different to what I was told. So, I went and asked those people who told her. Yes, I was right. They nodded their heads to everything Boss had assumed. The hierarchy theory. You see.. in Burma, you have one big international boss and you have an apple polishing two faced sucking up evil manager. This manager is one evil man because he's Burmese and he would always report good shit to the non-Burmese-speaking boss but he would bargain as much work he can get from the people below him. Doable or not, he would agree to impress the shit outta his boss but he would never give a shit about any feedbacks from those who work under him. Whenever his boss asks for feedback, he would do the whole 'everything's fine' face. It's like a pimp who would smile at his clients no matter how much the prostitutes are dying of fatigue from sex overdrive. So, with this mentality, Burmese staffs don't say shit. They just assumed everything is understood.

When you sum it all up, I played the role of the brothel keeper, but the type who cares about every single details about how his hookers are doing. I was asked to jump onto this protocol out of nowhere and I was thrown with abbreviations. Seriously, aren't they supposed to make things easier. What is the possibility of finding ease in using UPS and USB in the same sentence, when one is a cable port and one is an energy storing device? And not to mention, work under a big boss who don't know shit. First day of month at work (yes, my blogs are normally one day late anyways) and I got myself into a huge spiderweb of babel-related-abbreviations-used-with-a-numbnut-boss issues.

All was fine. And I have to say I'm proud to have done it while my other big boss, whose name resembles that of a toy played in the 90's with a string and circular rollers, was in the same room as me and while talking with Craig about Neighbours (the aussie tv series), my lawyer, his grandfater, Desperate Housewives and healthy diets; yep, conversations with Craig never fade into a huge pit of boredom. This fine day at work was followed by a gym full of trainers command-raping me with repititions of exercises I thought I could've done easy but due to lack of gymming in the past few weeks, every movement of my muscles hurt the shit outta me. Ah well, it's at least to get a better body anyways so it's cool.

Fascination.. it's just the way we feel

You know how in life when you're shown a lot of stuffs, nothing fascinates you anymore? From my room at work, you could see the office lawn and anyone who's coming in or out. So, from this trip to Ngwe Saung, where we had a few minutes stop at Pathein, a place well know for its flat umbrellas production in Burma, a lot of my colleagues bought umbreallas. I'm not sure who's bought these but there were four huge ass umbrellas in the lawn this morning.

It reminds me of those movie where some asteroids fell onto earth and make this huge ass dent on the earth surface and before you know it, you got yourself a huge crowded area, with people gazing at the piece of asteroid that's been dented on the surface of the earth. I could see my colleagues walking in and out one by one to check out those four huge ass umbrellas. They've seen them and they were the one who was there when these things were bought. Pfft.. all I could do was smirk as they pass in front of my office room one by one. I mean, have you not seen four huge ass umbrellas on the office lawn??

Fascinations... it's dead. I've been reading my blogs from a year before or so and I've noticed how much of a boring person I've become. It's not like I've seen all of what life has to offer me or it's not like I'm not happy but I guess I'm running out of mojo to make things at least, fun.

January was supposed to be me coming out of the shell, hatching out of an egg or just plainly shedding my skin off like a huge ass anaconda. It kinda semi worked but I kept falling back into the hole pit of the same beat played. It's not cool. I guess I just feel like I haven't achieved anything and the fact that this will be my last month at work does NOT help either. I just feel so low lately.

I do hope February would fascinate me. I know as much as all of us have fates or destiny or paths in our lives, I think that they won't happen unless we work on things. So, I'mma gon give February all I've got to make sure I'll be able to pull things off but it's up to fate or destiny to work with me. They say we have to work up in order to reach the fate that we're destined to live by. Well, I'm gonna be working shit load and it's up to fate to give me a path in life.