Derek's Farewell

My second waiter job was awesome. I kinda love it there now and Richard worked there today. He sent me back home and I went to Derek's Farewell party. It was so good to chill with Qwokkz and Dave Field. I mean, they're two of the cool people that I know. and to be honest, Dave has become one of my really close friends and we tell each other a lot of things. I think I've become really comfortable with him after the whole camp thing and weird talks we used to have. I always think he's a cool guy to be really good friends with anyways. So, it was good. I am very tired but I'm loving my work life and I'm loving the fact that I'm busy. I had to not go to Stevie's invitation to a club and Clee's invitation to hang out cos I have to open the shop tomorrow at 10am. BUMMER!

Oh! the Hungry Jacks at George St burned down today and the traffic on George St was INSANE. It came to the point where whenever I tried to get on a bus, the bus driver advised me to walk instead of taking his bus. LOL But I walked to where Myers is and from there, it's a lot easier to get off to Circular Quay via bus.

OHHH I DID THE WORST THING TODAY. I was on a 373 bus and there was this REALLY hot guy. And we exchanged glances. And this RARELY happens but we were. And somehow, I got nervous and assumed he was going off on oxford st. I was gonna go off on elizabeth st but I pressed the button and walked off the bus on oxford st. The funny thing was we were still staring at each other from the bus to the pavement. He's cute!!!! OMG lost chance!!! But, if we were meant to be, I believe I'll see him again.. Awww, men on buses... they're so cute!!!

Music: Shelby Lynne - Anyone who Had A Heart

Mood: tired but good

First Ever Script Meeting

After rushing through a script with Robby while doing my assignment at uni today, we had our first ever script meeting where all of the execs were there. So, that doubled the fun :) I was so amazed at how it went well as well and it was just cozy and very interactively bond-ish as opposed to people shrugging off and not talking much. Everyone was on the same level and we were just having so much fun. Paul Schmerto, Jake Scott, Sarina, Mel R, Som, Justin C, Justin A and Sarah D were the people who came apart from the execs. The better thing was all of them came to rege with us. Not one of them ditched rege and it was just great fun. Some stayed on, some left and Sarina, Jack, Robyn, Owen, Mel, Tran and I sang karaoke at Rege with the name "Med Revue". We sang "this love" by Maroon 5 altogether and I sang Franz Ferdinand on my own. It was pretty cool. Some chick took pics of us cos she said we were so 'cheerful' and there was this really cute gay guy there as well. And some really cute guy gave me a nod and said I sang well before we left. We made Sarina have two shots of Sambooka, with which she was tipsed up but she was so cute and lovely. Jack, Som and I had the other shots :). It was all great fun, I guess..

Music: Verical Horizon - Life in the City

Mood: satisfied

W8er Boi

Due to economy crisis, Hein has turned more asian. That means more hard working and competitive. well, at least i'm competitive with myself. I think I just have to keep getting better. Well, due to economy crisis, jayjays shifts are getting crap as well. And we can't blame Soon or anyone or even the regionals for that. So, I got myself another job ...... wait for this.... as a waiter.. Today was my trial and I had fun doing it. Dressed in black and hopping around tables. It was a whole new experience for me.

I saw people, spending HUNDREDS of dollars, flipping their credit cards for food or for dates. They were all nice since they were well mannered. So, that's the difference about workin in jayjays and working as a waiter. Being a waiter, you get good mannered people and the course set for entree and main are set so it's not that bad. The only bad thing is the fact that you have to remember where the tables are, which I always get wrong. It was not easy cos sometimes they would join two tables and if the table number is 17(for example), they named it 17 A and 17 B cos there weren't enough places for a table for two so they ended up sharing a table for four. So, yes it was quite complicated but my mentor said I'll get used to it.

The best thing was I got free food and drinks and I was allowed to carry one beer bottle home for every shift. At the end of the shift, I got a ten dollars tip too. And from next time, I'm gonna grab one beer bottle home for every shift I work and I'll line the beer bottles up for any future revue parties.

I worked at Jayjays as well today and it was leah's last day. To be honest, I WILL surely miss her. We kinda grew far apart in the middle only cos of our possees. She's got her own and I've got my own. But , deep inside, cos of the amount of intimacy we've shared, I really love her a lot. I was looking at our facebook pictures together and all I could do was just sigh at the fact that she won't be around. When she said to me today before I left "When will I ever see you again?", she nearly made me cry. I made a joke about how gay marriage is legal in new zealand and I rushed off. I was crying with pain inside cos I do fear that. When will I ever go to New zealand? When will I ever see her again? *sigh* I do love Leah. At some point in life, there are so many things you can't stop yourself from. And mine includes 'loving Leah'. I'll miss you, Leah.

By the way, my mentor taught me this trick of holding three plates at once and I got excited when I got home and practised it and I did it and asked Thanda to take a pic of that. So, yep that explains my pic... ok?

Music: Simple Plan - Welcome to My Life

Mood: worked out

Honesty

I used to be so afraid to be honest. Wait, I'll rephrase that. I used to be so afraid that I'll hurt someone with my honesty but there are two things I did today and on Saturday at Nancy's party and I actually did a bit of diplomacy today at work and a bit of tell all with my flatmate as well. I think it's a huge step for me. Now, I know every problems can be solved by being honest YET diplomatic and humble as well...

So, first of all, I wanted to move out. I haven't told Thanda. First, it was cos Mickey hinted me about wanting to move out which I wasn't sure I was allowed to tell anyone and I don't wanna be stuck with Thanda. And here and there, I had some issues with Thanda. Well, not that she knew since I like keeping things to myself. Now, I thought about it tonight and said to myself 'why does she bother me a lot?'. I mean, I've known her since I was a kid and we were so close... why don't we get along anymore... And, I guess when you sit down and think about things, solutions do flash subtly in front of you. The trick is to just grab it. So I did and I came up with the point that I hate living under Thanda's shadow. As long as she's there, I'm gonna be using her as my big sister shadow and I'm gonna feel stupid about it. I wanna feel responsible. I wanna live with nick and Luke and prove that I can deal with stuffs on my own as opposed to staying with Thanda and being under her shadow, which I myself intentionally unconsciously crawled under. Another thing, we both lead a different lifestyle. We don't hate each other but things just clash. I have friends she can't really click with and I don't think it's her fault. She might seem selfish to me but then again, that's my judgement from my point of view only and that only pops up when I'm angry at her. I think she deserves to be whatever she wants in life and I now understand that we're just two different people who do have a fond friendship between us. I don't really regret getting pissed off at her.. but when negotiating and being honest is concerned, I HAVE to find the right way and a very mature way to do it and that is by NOT blaming her or blaming yourself yet showing respect and telling her the truth at the same time. The old me would just come up with stupid excuses like 'I wanna move out cos Luke needs me'... not today.. Hein can't be fucked lying and pleasing people.. I guess in life, people just have to do things that they don't agree upon in good terms... unless the victim is a psycho or something...

So.. I was at nancy's birthday and Jeeves asked me (as predicted) "What's the goss?" . Now the old hein would be "OMG I HATE U JEEVES WHAT THE FUCK.,. IS THAT THE ONLY THING GOING IN UR HEAD" but I kinda thought why would I say I hate someone when I don't? TO be honest, I like Jeeves.. I have this huge respect for him and now I can't help the fact that he's into knowing goss.. and I understand that he can take anything offensive while others can't and maybe that's why he takes that question lightly.. So, I had a think and I said the most possible answer. I told him that one of the boys on oxford st has been diagnosed with HIV. I know it's kinda a bit stupid to say that since that wasn't what he wanted. But according to the words said, I DID tell him a goss.. He never said 'goss about uni'. I have MANY GOSS.. but why should I tell anyone when they trust me to NOT tell anyone.... and I'm sure from the bottom of my heart, Jeeves would not hate me if I lack gossips.. I know he's a nice guy.. So i was proud of that as well..

I had a staff meeting last night, which was like some hours ago and our new manager is Soon. The shifts were quite bad but it wasn't Soon's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault as well. I know there are some shifts that must be given to some people and though I'd hate to see that as unfair, I couldn't cos I KNOW that Soon is fair and I know he'd make a great manager as opposed to some stranger managing our shop when Leah leaves. So, instead, I searched for solutions.. I asked him if I could get a job as a waiter at his restaurant.. Now, me as a waiter? That's a cute image, don't you think.. we'll see how that'll work :)

I guess today has taught me a lesson to be honest and not just straight away get offended by people who might not have the things that might be agreeable to what you want them to come up with...

Oh, Austin called me and he said Jayjays was crap and that he hated Jayjays and he hated me. So I said "well, everyone's got their own point of view and I have nothing against Jayjays and I like it" and when he said he hated me , I just said 'nice to know that you're honest'.. This made him say 'i was kidding'.... now, if I had been offended by that, both of us would sound stupid. Now, I don't feel stupid much and he would feel like a mother tereesa for making it a joke outta something he MIGHT have meant... to be honest, I have been avoiding him after all.. only cos I think no one can change a manipulative gay male who thinks what he does is right. IT's not a bad thing but I would totally not click with that personality.. so it's better to be safe than sorry :)

Music: Lalaine - Cruella De Vil

Mood: proud

Loser Trail

I live in Randwick and my favorite chicken shop is in Randwick and if it means anything to anyone, I have every right to go shopping in my own pajamas. I can even shop in the nude if I want to.

Today, after Aarti dumped me for a lunch at Randwick 'cos she hadn't showered and she forgot her towel and her clothes at her old place, I decided to go to the chicken shop in my pajamas. Well, I put on a hoodie as well since it was a bit windy. I was also wearing dunlop khaki shoes and I was with my glasses. On the way back, some two skank whores were talking about me. How do I know? Cos they were fucking loud about it. One of them went 'the sweater.. and the pajamas.. that's just poor taste' and the other one said something and the other went 'Yeah most asians have poor fashion taste anyways'. Now, that not only made me feel like a loser but that pissed me off. Yes, I do find some asian fashion quite annoying but I would NEVER accuse them of having poor taste NOR shout out loud behind their backs about it. I swear these two skank whores have issues. The loud fucktard would have been dumped by her ex boyfriend, who would've gone for a thinner asian and the 'inaudible' cocksucker would still have a piece of some plastic dildo residues in her mouth since she could not even annunciate words well. I don't know.. it just pisses me off when people are that rude. I did feel like a loser not cos I think what they say is right but at times, no matter how confident or strong I might be, things like that remind me of my past. My high school. When I WAS a REAL loser. And to be brutally honest, I wasn't dressed properly anyways and I kinda respect their opinions but they didn't have to SHOUT IT OUT LOUD! Why did I keep walking? Cos it wasn't worth it and I would've lost being a bitch to them anyways cos I just ain't that type. Let the skank whore reign in the world of 'bitchville'.

Then, as I neared to my unit, there was this abandoned park at the right of the pavement and there was this old man with a 8 Iron and a golf ball. He was swinging it my way and at first I didn't notice what the golf stick was. If it was a 3Wood, the golf ball would've hit my face so I ducked a bit. The old man swang the stick and hit the ball and it went upwards (like an 8 iron should) only to hit the branch of a tree. Now, that was two epic fails. One.. me for ducking an invisible ball and two.. cos the old man's golf ball hits the branch.

OMGGGGGGGGG such a loser moment the whole morning...
Monday mornings are a no no.. Garfield was right...

Music: Little Birday - Come on Come on

Mood: loserish

Good News

Finally he blogs!!! hahaha

So, I did go to Mirpoo's party and then Nancy's party. Maddy's party? Well, I was still at work and I couldn't risk missing Mirpoo's party though he said he was gonna kill me for leaving early. His speech nearly made me cry. Mirpoo lives a life with a single mother just like mine and the things he said during his speech was just so cute. It was so much tearjerking sweetness to see how a son can love his mom so much at his 21st.

Then I went to Nancy's party, which was so good as well cos I see A LOT OF PEOPLE who I haven't seen in ages. It was so good to see them and I had a great talk with Dave F. All I can say is I am VERY happy for him. I'll leave the 'why am I happy' for the readers to ask him yourselves.

After that I went to shift ONLY cos cleo and silvio were there. It was nice to see silvio again. He's just so hot. I dont' know.. there's something about him that attracts me and I just wanna have a blast with him.. be it sex or just plain friendship intimacy..

On another good news, Soon is our new Jayjays manager... NOW, I'm just happy it's him instead of any new bitches? I was really kinda worried with Leah leaving since any new-comers managers would blow. I'm so happy it's Soon...

hmm.. happy thoughts...
tomorrow's our med revue shooting
it'll be AWESOME

When It Rains to Hein, ....

The insanity of Austin lives on! Well, last night, which was two nights ago, after the party (Tuesday night after I got back home and after Kirsty puked in my toilet and settled herself a spot on my bed), I talked to Austin online. I accidentally said yes to a hangout after my work forgetting about my directors' meeting.

Now, if you ask me, I think the directors' meeting is more important to me at the moment. So, I did tell him that I couldn't make it and he sent me back to back messages, which range from checking to accusations. Like, 'why is your msn on and off', 'have you sent the disc to me' or 'why did you say you would come'. Now, he's the one who said he wants a chilled thing going on between us. He said I'm the panicky one and the drama dude. Now, you tell me who the drama queen is here. I'd hate to work for things now. After two dates gone wrong, I'm not gonna lower myself for anyone anymore. So, I ended up not calling him anymore. It's quite annoying.

Work was work as usual. Now, I got another crisis. I'm FRIGGIN BROKE!!!! I'm gonna get paid ONLY next week and now I'll have to live through with REALLY little money in my bank for a week. It's quite scary to think of it but then again, I deserve this lesson taught.

Before work, I hung out with Clee and I have to say Clee and I could always pick up where we dropped off last time. I kinda stopped hanging out with him cos I thought he was pretty cool with the asian crew at the shift. Now, don't get me wrong.. I am not referring to every asians at the shift. Some of them are VERY friendly and I quite like them. But people like Charlie and Nghia .. they just hate me for no reason. I did NOT do anything to them and I don't really deserve any evils or whatever the fuck they have to throw at me. And yes it's about time I'm really sick of the shift. I was telling Clee all of this today and he started telling me how he actually thought he was the outsider. Now, when he said that, I felt so warm and kinda not alone anymore. I thought I kinda lost the old Clee I used to know for good. I've always seen a good side to him and always have respected him for who or what he really is. And I was just really happy he hasn't changed after three years of being friends. On and off hang out buddies but NEVER did both of us have any issues between us and for that, I really love him as one of my close buddies. Having lunch with him was pretty cool. It was a bit of a D & M and gay-thrashing. Not that we both don't accept gay guys... I think both of us had grown outta the loophole that would keep encircling both of our lives in this different world for people like us (guys who like guys). It was nice to know I'm not alone anymore. I do have other gay friends and all that but somehow it's nice to know one of your oldest best friend assuring you that he's still the same old guy that you used to know and have respected him for..... It's a good feeling....

Directors' meeting was awesome as usual. Jack and Robby were just fun to be around. Though it was fun being around them both, I have to say I always get tired and weary after every meeting. Things got worse when it rained HEAVILY on my way back to my house. Now, imagine some movie scenario where this guy broke up with his girl and walked home on his own in the rain, all wet and shivering with some bad cheesy sad music in the background. Ironically, my ipod had the sappiest songs playing and I was shivering with cold from the rain and I looked like a soaked rat. To make things more movie like, I came home to my place surrounded by two fire engines. There was no smoke though.. So, thankfully our unit was safe. I'm pretty sure it was some small smoke intruding the smoke alarm that kinda rang the fire department. Ah well, now I"m all warm and cozy..

I wonder what's gonna happen to anything..

Ooooo at work, a new guy was there today called Sam. He reminds me of Dave Loxton. Cute like him but with a british accent. He is a nice guy. Is he gay? At the moment, who cares? I ain't desperate for anyone.. plus, he's a traveller.... if things happen, I wouldn't wanna see another Simon-in-process... funwise, he's cute enough to embed him on my bedsheet :P

Music: Lifehouse - Broken

Mood: comfy

My First ever Just Group Xmas Party

Greed. It fucks us up and it's seen as one of those elements you can never control until it's leashed outta you. You can hide it later and you can change the level of it BUT only after it's come out.

I went to Networks exam review today and I was pretty happy that I did cos I kinda began to understand where I did wrong and all that crap. I was looking through my papers and there was this dude, an Indian student. Ok, I said indian cos indian students are pretty smart in IT subjects and as predicted, this guy was a top student. Well, one of them at least. I didn't know him but what he said later on assured me that he IS a good student. He was going through his paper and he asked the dude in charge for a mark. It was like 5 out of something and he was asking for ONE mark more. Now, it's OK to ask for marks but he was on 'distinction'. He had scored a distinction and increasing that one little mark would not actually make him get a high distinction. Now, how did that make me feel? FUCKED IN THE HEAD, of course. I was sitting there cussing the shit outta him in my head. Here I am trying to better myself from 40 out of 100 and there he was asking for ONE MORE MARK which would not actually change anything. Some people has the nerves.

I came out of that room and was thinking about him all the way to the bus stop. I was gonna go to work and I saw two buses across the street. One was 891 (which was the express bus) and the other one was 395, which stopped at random places. Now, when I got to the other end, I was too late to hop onto 891 and I could still make it in time for 395. But instead, I did not. Now, if I had done it I would've arrived at the city earlier than I actually did after ditching that 395. I should've just gone with the 395 and be a bit late. But, my GREED, just like that Indian new 'friend' of ours, got in the way. SO I had to start work at five.

I got pissed off with Leah at work today. I was asked to come close the shop so that she, along with Kirsty and Bernie could go to the Xmas party. Rumor has it that casuals were not allowed to go. BUT, Bernie was going and he is a casual too. No, I wasn't pissed off with him but I was just pissed off at Leah for being so unsubtle about things. Now, if she wasn't allowed to take more than one casual, it's ok and understandable to choose Bernie. I've been a bit outta the loop to be honest anyways. But, why would she make me close the shop and see them all leave. When I came to the shop, she was all like 'yeah I don't get it how casuals cannot make it bal bla bla'. Now I found that a bit fake as well..

Well, I couldn't hold it much longer and I wahed that to Bernie, who wasn't really good at 'cheering' people up. Don't get me wrong, I still love him but he just sucks at cheering things up. Leah came back to the shop and then asked me if I wanted to go. Now, that's when my honesty shone. I said yes I wanted to go since I've NEVER been to a Just Groups Xmas party during my three years of work. Plus, I told her that I was pissed off with her earlier. It actually made her feel better and made me feel better too cos I did promise her I wouldn't say bad things behind her back unneccesarily. So, I didn't.. cos I told her back everything..

The party was pretty good. Kirsty got drunk. Leah left early. Josie and Bernie left early. Winnie puked on the train. Michi was there and Anthony was there as well. Mama Mills, Samuel, Jenny, Kirsty and I then went to establishment and they had a salsa night for some reason. We were just salsaing the night away. Then, Kirsty and I came home and she slept over at my place. I was glad I could be there for her. She is one of my favorites anyways...

Speaking of which, I'll really miss Leah actually.. *Sigh*
I mean, she IS a friend of mine after all ...

On another note, I saw Danny(yes Austin's ex Danny) at the Xmas party. Now, why would he be SO friendly to me? Austin said he hates my guts. For whatever the case, I do not wish to know Austin more than a friend and Danny is just an acquaintance... but it amazes how people lie or fake things.. It's either Austin lied or Danny's being a fakefuck... ah well, both of them are weird anyways.

Music: Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around

Mood: partied out

The Vagina Scented Living room

Would it make much sense if I blogged about how Robby came to my house, we ate chicken and chips, made a homemade porn film, uploaded it on youtube and now my living room smells of vagina? Well, it won't, won't it?

Robby did come over and we did make a porno movie...

The living room... well what happened was I got this milk that was overdue like ages ago and I had it on the kitchen table and somehow it decomposed the plastic bottle it was in and leaked out of it and it just smelled horribly bad. I'm quite familiar with the smell cos as a kid, I could smell that from some kids I was playing with. I think it is a smell of bacteria or just overdue expired chemicals but somehow my aunt used to call it the 'vagina' smell. So, it has stuck to my head as a 'vagina' smell. :P

Mom, Me and Channy

If people were subtracted from my life for priorities, I think the last two would be my mom and my sister, who both deserve to have the most priority in my life. I was talking to them today and I kinda recall how much I love them or used to love them around me, no matter how annoyed I get with them. I do love my grandparents too but like they got my sick uncle to take care of. So, my priority from now on is mom and Channy.

I talked to them. I know of their problems. And I am, for once, encountering a REAL LIFE family crisis, which can involve nerves breakdown, police and more shit that you can ever think of but just not death. I told both of them to just see the day where three of us will be together once again.

If you ask me, that was the reason why I didn't jump off my building during the network era. I was very closed to but I don't wanna miss out on the reuniting with mom and Channy and me or my grandparents coming to my graduation.

Music: Teddy Geiger - Air Dry

Mood: loved

Another Phase of Fire

Dwelling is so boring. Dwelling on the past while everything keeps moving and just leave you is just lame. Dan was right. I shouldn't just give up my gaydar and manhunt profiles 'cos I'm bitter. At the same time, Alexi was right too. My life is not dependent on them. But little do they both know that I actually am really happy with a new plan in store. Since I've been unlucky in the past with 'gay' relationship, I think it's about time I sit and watch what gay men can do. And of course, me being an avid blogger, I'll have to analyse on things to come. So, let's see what the profiles can pull. And of course, it will be studied on my blog from now on. Just to be fair, code names will be used but this is gonna be one fun game to play. My profiles are renewed. Now, let's see who's next in line as my victim. Entertain me, fools! That's the only thing most of you are good at :)

So now we welcome another blog of mine "Le livre noir"
http://lelivrenoire.blogspot.com/

Music: Ultravox - Private Lives

Mood: excited

The Return of Socialite

Well, yes I've returned to the face of earth, making my 'not really that awaited' public debut in parties. Only cos I think it's the only way to keep me busy and to forget about shit in my life and it's always good to deal with a lot of people since pretty soon I'll have to deal with quite lots. The question here is "AM I READY?". Yesterday night went well though tonight I just went out just to film Austin performing as Amy Winehouse. As soon as that was done, I just went home cos I got too nauceous watching people crowd up in the scene.

So , am I ready to be the socialite again?
hmmm maybe not... LOL

Me Vs. the Spider

IT WAS NOT EASY....
god... I banged it against the wall with two thick books for like five times.. it won't die
and it's got this big fat manoeuvre where it fashionably glides in the air with web coming outta her ass... god...

I didn't wanna kill it but I had to... only cos it might be poisonous and it might be sitting on my face in the morning and I might turn into spiderman if I'm lucky.. if not, I'll get half of my face paralyzed.. urghhh

but yeah.. god rest her soul... big butt charlotte.. may you rest in peace

I can't sleep tonight cos

1. I lost Mickey's car keys.

2. There's this huge ass spider in my room which I refused to kill and now I have no idea where it went.

Popcorn A La Carte

My diet has taken a big giant leap tonight since I got so tired of ham and sandwich and carrots. So, I've decided to dedicate myself to a bit of Lindsay Lohan's diet. POPCORN. You see, popcorn kinda inflates in ur stomach when you down water after eating so you feel uber full when there isn't much stuff in your tummy. And the next day they'll go off as poo but the only 'con' about this is the fact that it's got salt and a bit of oil but which food doesn't.

Today was the most unproductive day ever since I just did nothing but sleep. A trip to blockbuster with my ciggie was good though. I love how I'm getting comfortable with going around in circles in randwick as opposed to staying home and just doing nothing. I think the fact that I live with a flatmate I don't really wanna socialize helps and it kinda motivates me to go walk around.

So, what's up with my flatmate? Well, she's like older than me and there were times she could be so helpful and pretty 'acting her age" but if things don't turn out the way she wants them to, she throws a tantrum and does the whole 'not talking' shit for no reason and just kinda pollute the atmosphere. This happened last week. Let's list down what happened.

1. I was suppsoed to go with her to Primrose house for a sleepover and then monastery but the next morning she did tell me 'so see you there tonight' so I assumed she meant 'see you at parramatta'.

2. She finishes work at 6:30 but Primrose finishes at 4:30. Now, I got no work so I was able to catch up with Primrose earlier and since Primrose has to cook for the next morning, it was only fair she wants to go home early.

3. She did call Primrose to come 'hang around' at her shop but you see, hanging around at a shop for two whole hours doing nothing productive. who would want to? So, Primrose and I decided to go to Parra as soon as she finishes work. And she DID say 'come IF you want to'. So it was a choice.

4. She (my flatmate) was supposed to cook some stuff for the monk as well. So, when she finished work, she called me and I told her I was in parra and she was like 'what should I DO?' Now, any five year old would know that the next best thing to do is catch a train to parra and get to where we were.

5. But instead, she hung up and ignored our calls. Now, it's ok to feel a bit angry for a while but she didn't ansewr the phone. And all of us needed to know if she was still coming or cooking with us. Cos if she doesn't, then we have to cook more.

6. With our assumptions and with my perception of the fact that she won't be fucked to come anyways, we decided on cooking.

7. Now, on her behalf, it's true that I should've waited for her.. BUT ONCE, me and her were supposed to go to Dicky's house to see his baby and she just went without me and I had no say. In fact, I wasn't even pissed off cos I know waiting sucks.

So, I think she's very stubborn, selfish and VERY immature in the sense that she had to do this to people who are much younger than her and at least, have more patience and sense of 'good dealings' as compared to her. Don't get me wrong, she is a nice person but she's just so not someone I need to stay with. This brings to the fact that I really wanna move outta this place with Luke and Nick asap. So, yes, there goes my flatmate rant.

In case you're wondering which one, the clue is 'Mickey's in Japan and not in sydney and beside my room this month'. So, go figure!!

O O O btw... I love the movie 'planet terror' if none of you has seen it, you're missing out a lot in life.... :)

Music: Fountains of Wayne - Mexican Wine

Mood: pocorn bloated

Karma

Talking with Rayes yesterday made me realize 'karma does bite me in the ass'. Let's list things down....

1. I dated Todd for one day and I dumped him the next saying "I didn't know what I wanted" cos I knew I could do better.

1.1. Ben dumped me after two dates and two weeks saying "I didn't know what I want".. now spare me the details....

2. I ran away from Jamie cos I told him that he came on too strong when he said he wanted to see me more than twice a week.

2.1. Kieran not replying my messages drove me insane.

3. I never called Mark after I ran outta interest for him... he never called as well

3.1. Ben never called me and I had to snatch it outta him to know that he wasn't into dating me anymore.

After these three points, there's only ONE solution left. I need some time off to myself. I need to make sure I become the person I want to be and if only that person is achieved or 'is becomed', I would be ready to present this person to the whole world... and this time this person won't have to be done the same things he has done to others....

Thank you, Ben and Kieran. Both of you are the only two people I've seen hope with after my first and only relationship with Simon(who was my only boyfriend with a world record time of four months) and both of you are so beautiful it aches whenever I look at how things turned out to be. But at the same time, both of you had left me traces I have finally picked up to know what is there for me to be done......

From now on, I will never blame both of you.... instead, I will thank you both.

Music: Haylie Duff - One in This World

Mood: sad but grateful

Isn't Life Funny?

For the first time, I hung out with Rayes today. Rayes is like my 'innocent' twin. Half filo half burmese and we both love each other's company on the net and all that. He came to one of my performances and I actually didn't think I was gonna be THIS attracted to him. It brought me to a huge ass surprise that I actually was so much attracted to him today. Maybe it was his wit or his cute smile but I had a blast today. But, it's a bit too weird to think what is it that makes me attracted to him. Maybe it's the fact that I feel real secure to be his friend or maybe I wanna get to know him more.

It's funnier cos Ali and I were having this talk where they said her cousin's gonna end up with an indian since she wasn't attracted to indians. And I was like 'does that mean I'll end up with an asian". Mind you, I DO love asian people but just not really that attracted to them on a 'sex/date' skills though I have to admit I am attracted to Cleo and Blaise superficially and Daniel for his ever-loving personality and cute charms. Something about filos I guess. So, just by thinking about what Ali said, it's gonna be pretty funny to find out what this attraction is. Is it a friendly appreciation of how cute ur friend looks? Or is it just this attraction slash lust that can last me longer and better as 'more than friends'.

On the other hand, I am still a bit not thinking about relationship at the moment and kinda enjoying what I have around me as opposed to checking my dating profile sites for a new attention everyday. Bless my cancellation for those two accounts.

Last night, I went to Churasco at Leidchardt. It was so nice to see Danny and Jen again since both of them are the ones I haven't seen in ages and as usual it was nice to hang out with Zhe, Ali and Alex as well. Matt was there as well, being himself as always lol.

On another funny story...... Rayes told me about this friend of mine who I kinda gave a lot of sexpectations to but I never did what I told and he was going through Rayes' friend list and saw me and he had a vent about me. Rayes wasn't big on telling me who it was but of course, thanx to Facebook I found out. It was just funny how he ranted about me when I was the one who should be ranting about him. We were supposed to meet that night but then he made sure if the "OTHER' guy wanted to come to his place or not, which made me feel like a 'next meat in line'. I'm sure he's a nice person but that doesn't mean he could NOT hurt my feelings. I know I have only agreed on a very superficial level (as in sexbuddies) and that was during my whorebag days. But, who wants to be put in line and chosen outta the blue by someone who should feel more privileged that I have agreed to do stuffs with him and I agreed to that upon his personality as opposed to his outer look. He was a can do and I am not really attracted to 35+ guys who are not as funky or that good looking. I don't mean to sound superficially arrogant but I deserve to have choices when it comes to one thing only. Sex! There are some people I'd love to get to know according to their personality and I'd date them even if I weren't attracted to them.

Hedgehog was not really my type but I was so attracted to him and that's what I mean by 'sometimes the cover doesn't really tell the whole story of the book'. But, for those I am willing to just have a browse read in stores and not buy the whole book, the glittery hard paperback gets my attention. Comprendez?

Music: Cut Copy - Feel the Love

Mood: happy

A Friend In Need..... is a Friend Indeed

So, remember this close friend I kinda refuse to give the name of?
This is what he messaged on msn this morning

"hey thanks for hanging out with me last night... i really needed it! good to know great friends stick around"

Little does he know that I really needed it too... it was a cure for both of us to have fun and just be confident about ourselves whilst having the best company of each other and just be dickheads like we always are and pretty good at :)

FIghter

It's funny to see one of your close friends at the point where he needs u. I went out tonight with one of my close friends I haven't hung out for ages with. We went to oxford st's shift and we were being the dancing bitches partners like we always were. Turned out this guy he's been talking to on manhunt ended up picking up some guy who we both don't really like. He was pretty angry and even I was pretty amazed at how that dipshit chose the loser as opposed to him. Now, that makes me feel kinda like I'm not alone in the 'loser' phase. I'm not trying to say my close friend is a loser but I guess everyone's had their bad day. It was quite frustrating to see him a bit annoyed since I look up to this close friend of mine. He was pretty annoyed.... but I was glad I was there with him for him even if I couldn't do anything to make things better...

Now, people, if you think I'm issuless... think again.
My sis just had a divorce, my mom's on the verge of a breakdown, my grandma cried not long ago.. I heard all of these through my sis today. She's like the 'reality' reporter who would tell me everything as it is as opposed to my grandparents trying to sugarize everything that's been around them to avoid me from having a breakdown....

No, I am not having a breakdown
I'm still very low in my self esteem from Ben's package and I'm still a bit bitter with my love life But on the other hand, I wanna fight it. I wanna fight things now. it's gonna be a long hard fight... but I'm hopeful when it's all over, I'll be one happpy motherfucker

So, yes, despite the happy Hein you always see, I know EXACTLY how it feels to feel
pain
hopelessness
despair

It's part of life
So, please smile for me and just know that all of you people are not alone if you have issues... smile with me.. we'll fight this altogether :)

Seven Eleven Day

Hein Don't Do Husbands

I was supposed to meet up with this guy called Mark. Mark and I were just supposed to go for coffee. I just finished working at Smiggles with Soon and I went to coffee with Mark but he ended up taking me to his place. Then, I noticed I got Soon's phone in my pocket. Then, I was trying to call Mark before I met him but it turned out to be Ben Hedgehog. I was like 'hey how have u been? let's catch up.' Then he went all quiet. Then I went 'hey i pressed the wrong number haha so yeah wanna catch up?' Then he went real quiet. Then I went 'so you don't wanna hang out with me? Just say yes or no'. Then he didn't say anything. Finally he said 'no'. Then I hung up and said thank you. Back to Mark.. it wasn't a coffee.. he asked me to come to his place to have sex. I refused and he went all cocky and said I didn't want to anyways. Then before he could see me, I ran into his basement where his butler was waiting and I went into this hole which leads me to the city. But halfway through, I met up with Mark's wife and we talked. And I told her 'ma'am I did not touch your husband. It's because of you. I would never do anyone's husband'...

Then I woke up....
what a dream!

Music: America - A Horse with No Name

Mood: sleepy

Obama FTW

I'm not that much into politics. When you have people like Bambul, who I have to say is a major guru in Politics and History, it's just so not worthy to say I am into politics when I know that I'm not. I haven't been following the poll but I've seen one of Obama's speeches and I fell in love with how much empathy and hope this man gives out.

Today, I was in the exam hall when the whole actual win happened. I remember eating at McDonald's and kinda glancing through the flat screen at the polls. I was quite curious and hoping he'd win. I have no idea about his strategic skills but I just wanna give this man a chance.

Just now, I watched his winning acceptance speech and tears just started to roll down my cheeks. It was just beautiful the way he carried out his words. Smooth yet very honest and genuine. It feels cared for. It gives you this warm feeling that you rarely get from leaders' speeches. The way he swerved his speech for those in need was quite impressive as well. The way he put different types of people as one was really tearjerking. I was just so envious of America for having such an empathetic leader. The whole audience reaction to it was also amazing. You could see some people crying, some full of remorse, some full of hope. You could see them saying 'please help us'. I just love how he carried it out. I couldn't stop crying and I have to say the last time I cried this much was when I watched the movie "RENT".

So, about my exam? I did pretty well and I thought the exam was easy until Tony, from the back of me, went 'That was the hardest exam ever'. Now, Tony Y is a smart guy. I know of him as a smart nerd and if he thinks this exam is difficult, I must've done something wrong but I have no idea why I felt so right about it.. Hmm.. we'll just have to wait and see

The cliffhanger remains: Will Hein finish uni or will he stay one more semester?

I hung out with Alex and Ali and had chocolate and Nick came over and watched movie with me. It was pretty good. It got better when he said he might be moving in with me. Now , imagine a house with me, Luke and Nick... I'd die to live in there. :)

Music: The Bravery - Tyrant

Mood: warm

The Fucked Up Thrift Shop

I know I should be studying but it's not like writing a blog for fifteen minutes is gonna make me lose my special ability to ace it so damn high in the exam anyways. So, the thing is... I was walking home from the healthiest meal ever eaten. KFC without serviettes and a spoon. So I had to prance around like three times trying to get a spoon and serviettes. Not to mention the guy who served me was pretty cute and that was what the third time was for. I chucked a 'o did you put the spoon in there.. haha sorry i thought u didn't' trick. So, walking to and fro to the counter from my chair, itself, was exercise and I'm pretty sure I burnt some calories while doing that. So, back to my story... after that healthy hearty meal, I saw this new thrift shop right next to my house and I HAVE TO SAY, the displays were so awesome I just had to waste two minutes staring at them. It was from tedknoffs or some charity box that Mickey and I would throw our old shit in. So, as I was studying the display for price tags, I saw one on this glass vase. It costs twenty five bucks.

NOW... HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It's a fucking thrift shop. You are not supposed to upprize any of those products. Those were given out of our little charitable minds to be sold at GOOD BUYABLE prizes to the others so that the money could go to some society of some sorts.. like camp quality (hehe). So, if you put your prize tags THAT high, who's gonna be buying your shit? Well, one out of twenty people would. Given that these things are used and worn, I'm sure no one would spend that much on them. Now, make them a bit lower.. like affordable prizes like ten bucks for that stupid vase, you'll have ten thousand people buying shit loads from the shop and in a week you can raise ten bucks x every products sold for the camp quality.

O god, I was so annoyed. I was just going tsk tsk tsk. And why does that have to be tsk. It sounds more like j j j j.. not tssk tsk... GOD

Ok I'm just annoyed..
now back to studyness

Music: silence for once

Mood: ANNOYED

i "May" make things alright for me ;)

Little things make me happy. But the littlest thing this morning made me realize how much I've changed. May added me on facebook. Ok who is MAY?

When I was six or so, some guy came over to my house and he was one of my grandparents' friends. They brought two kids. I remember two girls. I'm not used to company and I was somewhat a strange kid, who was a bit conservative and shy. But somehow, these two ladies (both younger by 2 and 3 years of age) made me feel so relaxed and we hit if off and we played this game where we put four couches into a square and we would jump inside.

We would always meet in parties and when my grandad had to move back to Burma, I thought I'd never see them again until.... 2002, right before I came to Australia. May was in International School Yangon and I was just drifting but we had a blast. She then had her little brother, another addition to her family, called Eddie. Eddie, May and Deedee and I were just one big group of clickness. We all know how to speak Thai and we had the same sense of humor and views on life and all that crap.

Today, May added me on facebook. I did have a huge crush on her in 2003. This was me not knowing whether I like guys or girls. Somehow, checking out her profile made me realize how consistent she's been with herself and how swerved I've become. She's still that career minded person with so much hope in her brain, smart and clever and quite cautious of the life around her. I used to be that until I kinda thought my grandparents and parents don't make sense. I really would love to get back to being that Hein I once was. By checking her out on facebook, I do feel brave and not alone anymore.

Don't get me wrong.. she's got a boyfriend and they both look cute together. I just know that she'll be there to remind me of the Hein I once have been.

Music: Bowling for Soup - Ohio (come back to Texas)

Mood: reminiscy

Lover Lane : Dead, Dating Lane : Functioning

I am amazed at so many things we have to learn in life. I have always been open to the option of learning as I go but it's just amazing when you start thinking you've got it all, shit hits the fan and there it is, new things for you to learn. I was talking to Samir today and I guess as usual, I told him what I was up to. The whole ben thing and all that crap. He asked me why I dated someone that old. I told him that it would have no luck still if I dated someone younger and he gave me this really weird analogy which partially makes sense. He asked me if I would buy a dog or a puppy. A puppy would learn and grow as I do but not the dog. Now, I find that quite true. He also told me not to take anything at heart at early stages, which is also true. This was what he said as well "Looking for love so actively the way you seem to....you're not going to find what you're looking for while you're looking for it". The thing was I didn't look for love.. I was fully giving up on the relationship factor and I wasn't even expecting anything with Ben til I was made to believe. And that I agree was my fault. I took it into heart.

I like to do things people least expect me to do. And sometimes, it feels even better when I do things I woulnd't normally do. You see, after every shitty dates, I stop dating for a while and then BAM I go into the full bloom 'i'm ready to date again' era. This time around, I'm gonna keep dating. With every men I encounter, I'll learn and see what they're all up for. I'm quite willing to learn a lot to be honest. Not just cos I'm desperate to be smart but just cos I think I am leading a very bad routine when it comes to dating. So, I guess this time round, I'm gonna be a lot different than before.

On another topic, I couldn't study today. NO SHIT!!! I just hate studying and everytime I hit the book, I just wanna cry and go 'FUCK YOU UNI'. Now, what would Hein normally do? He'd fail the course..... but I guess this time round , I'm gonna keep fighting... is it worth it? Well, I'll only answer that after my exam. Talk is cheap...

Music: Judy Garland - Over the Rainbow

Mood: unmotivated

November

It's a new month. Yay! Nah I can't yay yet until my exam's over. I really am VERY scared about this exam but I still wanna try for it. I wanna ace it if I could. There's no such things as 'can't' I guess. I have three more days without work and I'd be skipping gym for two days just for this. SO hopefully, I get it.

October has been a very reflective month for me. Things happened all at once. Bad things, good things. There was no stopping between them. It was like a rollercoaster ride where you feel this big fat thrill on your way down, steep and fast but then it stops and drags in the middle, slow and mysterious. Not knowing the height and not knowing how deep we fall. I guess, all this sums down to just me being me. I guess October has shaped me to believe in myself and to kinda get myself on my feet and to know what's best for me around me. It hurts at times. It even still hurts. It's like rubbing the forehead scar I got from med revue 2008. It still reminds me of how painful and scary it was during that time but then I'd smile and think about the whole show and how Aarti was ever so wide eyed watching me bleed.

Now, I gotta find the right time to go on this rollercoaster ride again but this time, I'd do it with ease and smiling. About time I start smiling meaningfully and honestly. I've been smiling just to show people how strong and capable I am when I'm actually not. I guess this November and the coming month would actually make me be more me and make others appreciate the real me. Talk is cheap. Let's just see what happens.

Yesterday, I got the scariest looking award from the Just Group. I worked at Jayjays as Samara from the ring. I scared a lot of customers off which was so cool and made friends with some of them. It was funny and I felt like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. Everyone was just SO FUCKEN hot.

Leah - the white angel
Kirsty - the dark angel
Bernie - werewolf
Sam - gothic snow white
Amelia - the vampress
Jenny - goth zombie
Anya - witch
Josie - the devil
Badih - pirate
other chick in Smiggle - some character from Rocky Horror Show

and they all looked HOT but me just have to look SO FUCKEN WRECKED. White body paint, white canvas sheet and a black wig. But hey, I got the award. That's all that matters... :P

Music: Ms Dynamite - Judgement Day

Mood: reborn