Honesty

I used to be so afraid to be honest. Wait, I'll rephrase that. I used to be so afraid that I'll hurt someone with my honesty but there are two things I did today and on Saturday at Nancy's party and I actually did a bit of diplomacy today at work and a bit of tell all with my flatmate as well. I think it's a huge step for me. Now, I know every problems can be solved by being honest YET diplomatic and humble as well...

So, first of all, I wanted to move out. I haven't told Thanda. First, it was cos Mickey hinted me about wanting to move out which I wasn't sure I was allowed to tell anyone and I don't wanna be stuck with Thanda. And here and there, I had some issues with Thanda. Well, not that she knew since I like keeping things to myself. Now, I thought about it tonight and said to myself 'why does she bother me a lot?'. I mean, I've known her since I was a kid and we were so close... why don't we get along anymore... And, I guess when you sit down and think about things, solutions do flash subtly in front of you. The trick is to just grab it. So I did and I came up with the point that I hate living under Thanda's shadow. As long as she's there, I'm gonna be using her as my big sister shadow and I'm gonna feel stupid about it. I wanna feel responsible. I wanna live with nick and Luke and prove that I can deal with stuffs on my own as opposed to staying with Thanda and being under her shadow, which I myself intentionally unconsciously crawled under. Another thing, we both lead a different lifestyle. We don't hate each other but things just clash. I have friends she can't really click with and I don't think it's her fault. She might seem selfish to me but then again, that's my judgement from my point of view only and that only pops up when I'm angry at her. I think she deserves to be whatever she wants in life and I now understand that we're just two different people who do have a fond friendship between us. I don't really regret getting pissed off at her.. but when negotiating and being honest is concerned, I HAVE to find the right way and a very mature way to do it and that is by NOT blaming her or blaming yourself yet showing respect and telling her the truth at the same time. The old me would just come up with stupid excuses like 'I wanna move out cos Luke needs me'... not today.. Hein can't be fucked lying and pleasing people.. I guess in life, people just have to do things that they don't agree upon in good terms... unless the victim is a psycho or something...

So.. I was at nancy's birthday and Jeeves asked me (as predicted) "What's the goss?" . Now the old hein would be "OMG I HATE U JEEVES WHAT THE FUCK.,. IS THAT THE ONLY THING GOING IN UR HEAD" but I kinda thought why would I say I hate someone when I don't? TO be honest, I like Jeeves.. I have this huge respect for him and now I can't help the fact that he's into knowing goss.. and I understand that he can take anything offensive while others can't and maybe that's why he takes that question lightly.. So, I had a think and I said the most possible answer. I told him that one of the boys on oxford st has been diagnosed with HIV. I know it's kinda a bit stupid to say that since that wasn't what he wanted. But according to the words said, I DID tell him a goss.. He never said 'goss about uni'. I have MANY GOSS.. but why should I tell anyone when they trust me to NOT tell anyone.... and I'm sure from the bottom of my heart, Jeeves would not hate me if I lack gossips.. I know he's a nice guy.. So i was proud of that as well..

I had a staff meeting last night, which was like some hours ago and our new manager is Soon. The shifts were quite bad but it wasn't Soon's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault as well. I know there are some shifts that must be given to some people and though I'd hate to see that as unfair, I couldn't cos I KNOW that Soon is fair and I know he'd make a great manager as opposed to some stranger managing our shop when Leah leaves. So, instead, I searched for solutions.. I asked him if I could get a job as a waiter at his restaurant.. Now, me as a waiter? That's a cute image, don't you think.. we'll see how that'll work :)

I guess today has taught me a lesson to be honest and not just straight away get offended by people who might not have the things that might be agreeable to what you want them to come up with...

Oh, Austin called me and he said Jayjays was crap and that he hated Jayjays and he hated me. So I said "well, everyone's got their own point of view and I have nothing against Jayjays and I like it" and when he said he hated me , I just said 'nice to know that you're honest'.. This made him say 'i was kidding'.... now, if I had been offended by that, both of us would sound stupid. Now, I don't feel stupid much and he would feel like a mother tereesa for making it a joke outta something he MIGHT have meant... to be honest, I have been avoiding him after all.. only cos I think no one can change a manipulative gay male who thinks what he does is right. IT's not a bad thing but I would totally not click with that personality.. so it's better to be safe than sorry :)

Music: Lalaine - Cruella De Vil

Mood: proud