Beginners' Luck
It's great to be back in Yangon and finally be all openly gay among my friends though I act straight and I feel like a new meat in market. Lately, I've had some boys hit on me, some straight, some in denial, and some just overly gay. I guess my gym routine and a good job is doing me good. And a new face in town with such confidence always comes in handy when attention is concerned. After being misled by a straight guy three weeks ago, I finally found a bi who was interested in me.
Aim
I guess being here for a short period of time just makes me want to have fun if and when I can regardless of whether it will happen or not. So, hoping I'll get a response from this boy, I let him add me on facebook and kinda try to get to know him. I talked to him on gtalk and it happened so that he's quite in denial and he's never even had any experience with a guy before. Being two people with the same concept on 'love' and being beaten by the promiscuity of the world that surrounds both of us, we have agreed to get to know each other while I was here. So, we went for a dinner and drinks, which could be seen as a 'date' and he ended up throwing darts with the waiter while I sip on my drinks.
Prediction
So, I started to panic a little bit since that's what a normal straight boy would do if he's not into the chick and given that he is semi straight and quite young and playful, I start to stress a bit. I also think that my chances are gone and he might as well just be a good friend of mine.
Shoot
I ordered two Snowball, my favorite cocktail which also happened to be his as well, and then I ordered two glasses of beer. That was when his Filo friends came by to sit near us and talked to him. I was ignored once again. And this was after he tried to sit in front of me to just look at my face. How expectations rise back then!! Responding to such stimulae, I did nothing but ordered another beer and drank on.
Reward
Suddenly, there was a power cut and everything went dark. He kept talking to his Filo friends and I kept looking straight forward not really knowing what to do. Suddenly I felt his hand touch mine and grabbed. He kept gripping it tight while the room was dark. Then, the lights came back up and he let go. I sent him back and he responded with a 'you owe me two hugs'. On the way back to his house, we sat together at the back of my car and he held my hand throughout the whole journey. For the rest of the night, all I could ever think about was the dart game that he played and I was playing in my mind.
New Game
I like him. It's sad but at times you gotta risk things to get a good life.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Two Message Bottles
Imagine a huge ass wave. Imagine two bottles with a message in each of them riding the same waves. Given they both are drifting in the same direction, how will one know where they'll end up. Will they end up together? Will they each end up in different places? Even if they end up being together, is the message inside the bottle the same?
I feel like one of the bottles with what's written on the message actually written on my heart. The other bottle would be referring to 'Red'. The guy I met in the bar on Friday. I asked a mutual friend of ours whether he swings my way or not and all I've got was the fact that he's a bi. Now, the strangest thing about Red and I is the fact that our conversation on gtalk was more than intimate and close. I told him a lot of things I've never even thought of writing on this blog before. It's even funnier since I normally don't keep a lot of things from the blog and just write about anything in general. I do admit there are quite a few things I've kept to myself, only because I don't think it's the right time to mention them on the blog. But somehow, I've spilled a lot to Red.
Two months ago, I was wondering how life would be different and so good to me if I were straight and in fact I even convinced myself for a day and a half that I was straight. The reason why I'd chosen 'straight' was because at least I could get a wife and a baby with whom I can live forever. Yes, it's true there are things called divorce and adoption but still at least, I would be living in a world where it's easy to approach to anyone on the streets as opposed to making sure he's gay or not.
Red had enough of his 'love' life. He's been trying to find love or a relationship with chicks he's played around with and he's come to the point where he wouldn't mind if it's a guy or a girl but as long as that person loves him, he'll be fine.
So, as mentioned before, two bottles with two messages. Two men who believes in love but would give up their 'gender' preferences in order to be able to actually find love. There are only two possible solutions to this story. It's either we both end up together or we both go separate ways. All I know is, if he could turn me straight, I'd be the greatest friend for him and if I turn him gay, we could both finally get what we want. A long lasting relationship consists of two men who are not afraid of love.
I feel like one of the bottles with what's written on the message actually written on my heart. The other bottle would be referring to 'Red'. The guy I met in the bar on Friday. I asked a mutual friend of ours whether he swings my way or not and all I've got was the fact that he's a bi. Now, the strangest thing about Red and I is the fact that our conversation on gtalk was more than intimate and close. I told him a lot of things I've never even thought of writing on this blog before. It's even funnier since I normally don't keep a lot of things from the blog and just write about anything in general. I do admit there are quite a few things I've kept to myself, only because I don't think it's the right time to mention them on the blog. But somehow, I've spilled a lot to Red.
Two months ago, I was wondering how life would be different and so good to me if I were straight and in fact I even convinced myself for a day and a half that I was straight. The reason why I'd chosen 'straight' was because at least I could get a wife and a baby with whom I can live forever. Yes, it's true there are things called divorce and adoption but still at least, I would be living in a world where it's easy to approach to anyone on the streets as opposed to making sure he's gay or not.
Red had enough of his 'love' life. He's been trying to find love or a relationship with chicks he's played around with and he's come to the point where he wouldn't mind if it's a guy or a girl but as long as that person loves him, he'll be fine.
So, as mentioned before, two bottles with two messages. Two men who believes in love but would give up their 'gender' preferences in order to be able to actually find love. There are only two possible solutions to this story. It's either we both end up together or we both go separate ways. All I know is, if he could turn me straight, I'd be the greatest friend for him and if I turn him gay, we could both finally get what we want. A long lasting relationship consists of two men who are not afraid of love.
Monday, September 28, 2009
iWeekend
Weekends always paint a new scenario in my life, especially Fridays but when intoxicated, it's way worse than those normal ones. But worse in a very fun type of way. I woke up on Saturday morning with a hangover and hardly remembered anything. Went online on facebook and saw a friend's request from Rolando and also some pics in my camera of the night before. And also, not forgetting a piece of paper with four rows of scribbled lines, which are supposed to be a set of strings of letters. All I could make out was this number 669.
Friday night was awesome but the awesome only happened after the work function. Now, maybe this is my learning point but it's so weird to be around people who don't really look relaxed or those who won't even smile or converse with you during a function. All I ever see are these people who just float around with their shrimp cocktails in their hands who talk so little. It's a bit of a flow of hierarchy as well since the big people don't mingle with the younger crowds and the younger crowds were pretty much more obsessed in the food, while my eyes were only on wine glasses. Had too much to drink and I ended up pashing Paperbag in the toilet, thank god it's a hotel toilet.
After that I went to Sedona on my own and had Snowball and bought myself some ciggies. Gotta love payday. I couldn't see any sign of the designer so I thought of just joining Steve and KP, who both happened to be in 6 miles shooting a music video for KP's new DVD. So, I went out to a room in Sedona Hotel to use the phone for 2 bucks and I ended up calling Steve about the address. I ended up scribbling four rows of 'supposed' English words. I went for a taxi but noticed the only thing that was legible on the paper was the number 669, which was the number of the house they were in. Still, I was convinced that I could get there via the taxi when BEA showed up in front of me with his friend.
We both had a 'what are you doing' moment and I ended up being taken inside the bar with BEA and his friend and he bought me a screwdriver. A drink, that is. Then, I saw 'dimple' and I went to his table and sat there and said nothing but I went back to BEA again and sat there and the designer showed up later followed by two Filo sisters, who were at Steve's colleagues hang out. Then, party went wild with us drinking and drinking until this fine young cute Filo boy came and talked to the designer and the two Filo sisters. Then, he started talking with me as well and since I was way drunk, I made a hit on him but he ended up being so touchy and brave with the whole approaching. Like, arms around my neck and posing pictures with his hands on my shoulder and also a pic of me hugging him from the back. I don't know... it was cute.. I kinda like him as well since he's pretty fun to be around.
He asked for my facebook and he added me on Sat and I asked him out again for this week, to which he said yes to. It's quite refreshing to be hit on once again, but this time by a bi guy and not a straight guy who wants to be my friend just to be popular....
Speaking of getting paid, I finally gave my mom 1/3 of my pay and my grandparents 1/3 of my pay and I also treated my mom's family with some Indian food. I felt awesome. I had this 'aww what a good son' moment... Good weekend to be honest.
Friday night was awesome but the awesome only happened after the work function. Now, maybe this is my learning point but it's so weird to be around people who don't really look relaxed or those who won't even smile or converse with you during a function. All I ever see are these people who just float around with their shrimp cocktails in their hands who talk so little. It's a bit of a flow of hierarchy as well since the big people don't mingle with the younger crowds and the younger crowds were pretty much more obsessed in the food, while my eyes were only on wine glasses. Had too much to drink and I ended up pashing Paperbag in the toilet, thank god it's a hotel toilet.
After that I went to Sedona on my own and had Snowball and bought myself some ciggies. Gotta love payday. I couldn't see any sign of the designer so I thought of just joining Steve and KP, who both happened to be in 6 miles shooting a music video for KP's new DVD. So, I went out to a room in Sedona Hotel to use the phone for 2 bucks and I ended up calling Steve about the address. I ended up scribbling four rows of 'supposed' English words. I went for a taxi but noticed the only thing that was legible on the paper was the number 669, which was the number of the house they were in. Still, I was convinced that I could get there via the taxi when BEA showed up in front of me with his friend.
We both had a 'what are you doing' moment and I ended up being taken inside the bar with BEA and his friend and he bought me a screwdriver. A drink, that is. Then, I saw 'dimple' and I went to his table and sat there and said nothing but I went back to BEA again and sat there and the designer showed up later followed by two Filo sisters, who were at Steve's colleagues hang out. Then, party went wild with us drinking and drinking until this fine young cute Filo boy came and talked to the designer and the two Filo sisters. Then, he started talking with me as well and since I was way drunk, I made a hit on him but he ended up being so touchy and brave with the whole approaching. Like, arms around my neck and posing pictures with his hands on my shoulder and also a pic of me hugging him from the back. I don't know... it was cute.. I kinda like him as well since he's pretty fun to be around.
He asked for my facebook and he added me on Sat and I asked him out again for this week, to which he said yes to. It's quite refreshing to be hit on once again, but this time by a bi guy and not a straight guy who wants to be my friend just to be popular....
Speaking of getting paid, I finally gave my mom 1/3 of my pay and my grandparents 1/3 of my pay and I also treated my mom's family with some Indian food. I felt awesome. I had this 'aww what a good son' moment... Good weekend to be honest.
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Office
So, after four days without any bloggings, I feel the need to babble a bit. Let's start off with yesterday, which was a Thursday. The day I had to prepare myself for the big day, which is today, where we're gonna have a cocktail party at the hotel for all of our work members. Big day for me actually as I've never actually hung out with my workmates before and since BEA is still around, he's gonna make it tonight.
Speaking of which, yesterday I had a really interesting convo with him. First of all, these days, he asked me to follow him around so I've become an almost BEA's bitch. He would even call me to his meetings where I wouldn't need to take minutes and yesterday I was taking a poop and he knocked on the toilet door and asked 'what are you doing in there?'. I rolled my eyes and thought 'what do you think'. Now, I have issues with pooing in public toilets, especially a toilet we all share at work. I fear that the annoying smell would linger inside it or even pass itself into our office room. So, pooing in office toilet is not really a comfortable thing to do for me. So, I replied with a 'things you wouldn't wanna know'. Then, later I thought to myself that masturbation would've been possible.
The whole BEA craze went on til the evening when me and my boss were talking about 'scars' and this was how the conversation go.
me: I think scars are sexy.
BEA: So you think I'm sexy?
me: Hmm but you're straight.
BEA: But you might turn me.
me: ............
BEA: I feel so insulted. Am I that not hot?
me: ...........
Boss: Do you want me to leave the room?
me: *with a weak chuckle* Boss, do we have any sexual harrassment form for employees?
BEA: I'm a contractor.
me: ....................
Then later, we were talking about haircuts and my boss was like 'I once had a bad haircut' and I went 'omg I haven't stalked your facebook pics' cos I've added her. Then, BEA looked at me and here was another convo.
me: So are you addible?
BEA: you mean edible or addible?
me: ................
BEA: *does this seductive gesture*
God, I love this guy cos he's such a goofball but these convos are so misleading I have to stop myself from having so much hope. Espesh when he and I are gonna get smashed tonight. So, my boss and I went for haircut and she went for manicure while I went for pedicure. My foot looks so so awesome I wanted to frame it and hang it on the wall. It was fun to hang out with my boss. She's awesome and I was telling her how I was in denial that I am sure that BEA is straight. She smiled and shook her head. On another note, there's this guy who I think is gay on the eighth floor who I invited to the party tonight since it's free booze. I added him on gtalk and we've been talking since. Paperbag(yep, he's one of those people you'd wanna do if he has a paperbag on his head) told me yesterday that he has someone he wants to introduce me to for tonight's wedding and this morning he asked me if I had any boyfriends.
So, yep, my gay life circulates at the weirdest places, such as this humanitarian workgroup in Burma.. hahaha... odd much?
Speaking of which, yesterday I had a really interesting convo with him. First of all, these days, he asked me to follow him around so I've become an almost BEA's bitch. He would even call me to his meetings where I wouldn't need to take minutes and yesterday I was taking a poop and he knocked on the toilet door and asked 'what are you doing in there?'. I rolled my eyes and thought 'what do you think'. Now, I have issues with pooing in public toilets, especially a toilet we all share at work. I fear that the annoying smell would linger inside it or even pass itself into our office room. So, pooing in office toilet is not really a comfortable thing to do for me. So, I replied with a 'things you wouldn't wanna know'. Then, later I thought to myself that masturbation would've been possible.
The whole BEA craze went on til the evening when me and my boss were talking about 'scars' and this was how the conversation go.
me: I think scars are sexy.
BEA: So you think I'm sexy?
me: Hmm but you're straight.
BEA: But you might turn me.
me: ............
BEA: I feel so insulted. Am I that not hot?
me: ...........
Boss: Do you want me to leave the room?
me: *with a weak chuckle* Boss, do we have any sexual harrassment form for employees?
BEA: I'm a contractor.
me: ....................
Then later, we were talking about haircuts and my boss was like 'I once had a bad haircut' and I went 'omg I haven't stalked your facebook pics' cos I've added her. Then, BEA looked at me and here was another convo.
me: So are you addible?
BEA: you mean edible or addible?
me: ................
BEA: *does this seductive gesture*
God, I love this guy cos he's such a goofball but these convos are so misleading I have to stop myself from having so much hope. Espesh when he and I are gonna get smashed tonight. So, my boss and I went for haircut and she went for manicure while I went for pedicure. My foot looks so so awesome I wanted to frame it and hang it on the wall. It was fun to hang out with my boss. She's awesome and I was telling her how I was in denial that I am sure that BEA is straight. She smiled and shook her head. On another note, there's this guy who I think is gay on the eighth floor who I invited to the party tonight since it's free booze. I added him on gtalk and we've been talking since. Paperbag(yep, he's one of those people you'd wanna do if he has a paperbag on his head) told me yesterday that he has someone he wants to introduce me to for tonight's wedding and this morning he asked me if I had any boyfriends.
So, yep, my gay life circulates at the weirdest places, such as this humanitarian workgroup in Burma.. hahaha... odd much?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Love
I have sworn to readers before that my blog would be written without any backspaces when it comes to my issues and I have been pretty honest with almost anything. But I guess when you start lying about things to yourself, you kinda end up lying about it in the blog as well. I watched this movie last night called "Accidental Husband" and it got me thinking real hard and an hour later, I realized that I did have someone in my life who I have really ever loved.
Two years ago, which was also two years after I broke up with my ex boyfriend, or should I say my only boyfriend of my life, Simon, I dated the most beautiful guy, Kieran. After a long period of lack of self-confidence, cynical point of view and bitter nostalgia, I gave in to this feeling I got when I first met Kieran.
The Build-Up
Kieran and I have known each other for seven months without seeing each other. He was with his boyfriend back then, Terry, and we would always chat on msn. To me, he was just another pretty face or in a more low-tone term, a fresh meat. But, after so many conversations with him, I have begun to appreciate his personality and also built up this respect for him, as well as love. Be it brother or friendship, I felt it quite strong in my system. He broke up with Terry later.
It was a revue night and my best friend, Ali, and I went to a revue after party. Revue after parties is usually an excuse to either hook up or get drunk faced with those you love and have worked with each other for yonks, given making a revue is such a long process and an addictive routine. Ali hit it off with Ben that night and I was text messaging Kieran about how bored I was at the party since it's eased down to make out or chillax session after the heavy drinkers collapsed. Tipsy, Kieran invited me over. Tipsy, I accepted.
The park
The park next to my Randwick appartment was where I met him. I just needed some alone time with someone I'd love to talk to and there we were, Kieran and I on a park bench talking, both tipsy and almost impossible to make out what we were both saying. He felt cold and we went back to his place. Two boys in a bed in their boxers, after some pushing and shoving, turned out to be a kiss fest. I still remember the first time his lips touched mine. It wasn't heaven. I just felt real for once. For someone who kisses people around for the fun of it and sleeps around, I just felt like I could accept that I like kissing him. We fell asleep and we woke up the next morning, both knowing there is a chance or hope that we would get together.
Chris's Handshake
A month passed on. A month of ice cream dates, candlelit treehouse and park sitting. Kieran made me do things I never thought was possible. Romance runs in my blood but I felt worth it when I used some of my romance routines on him. One night, I went to an asian shop with my brother(not my real brother), Pete, and we snatched out some toys off the claw machine. I got myself two and he's got himself four. I called Kieran and told him about it and he was around town. I went to Stonewall and gave him one of those toys I clawed out. I was introduced to this guy "Chris". I shook his hand and I could feel the insincere vibe. Being an oversea uni student among the gay capital wasn't actually cool. In a world where being materialisticly awesome was acceptable, I felt small when I talked to Chris. Conversation with him didn't last long either and I started feeling insecure and scared in Kieran's friend's crowd. It hit me then when he introduced me as his 'friend' after we actually dated. So, I went home scared.
The next week, Kieran and I went for a movie. The upper seatings area was banned but I sneaked him into that area and there we were, sitting in the middle of empty seats with his head in my arm and me kissing his forehead. Scared and helpless about the "chris" incident though I didn't really have any reasons to be, I gripped his shoulder tight while he dozed off in my arm. Long day at work, my knight in shining armor retreated to a short nap while I watched the movie, thinking and thinking.. and thinking. After he took me home and after I got down, I turned back at him and asked him, looking into his eyes. "Do you like me?"... "Yes, I do"
That filled out my one month with him. I got him a ticket for a comedy show at my uni and we decided to go out one night and he came and picked me up from work. I wrote him a song, got a bouquet of yellow flowers cos he likes the color yellow and waited for time to pass. My workmates got all excited when he came into work after the shop had been shut and took pics of me and him and the yellow bouquet. Happiest night ever. We went for a movie again and then I told him I had to talk to him. Surprisingly, he said the same thing. We need to talk....
We need to talk
So, as usual, I took him to the park where we used to sit. He was cold on his way home so I gave him my jacket. Then, I asked him what he had to say. He forced me to say what I had to say first. I gave in and asked him 'what are we?' and his facial expression turned serious and for the first time, I saw him sad. I still remembered his tone. A dry whispery yet gentle with a bit of a crack tone you would normally hear from a kid who just hit puberty. He said he doesn't know but he doesn't see us together but he would like to be my friend. My mouth went dry. I couldn't face him. I stared at the dusty ground. He knew I was upset and he couldn't face me either. I told him it's cool and I asked him if we could just go home and I would call him later. I asked him not to walk me home. Thank god, I did cos I cried walking home and it wasn't a soft cry. It was a cry of defeat and letting go. I cried like I did when I was six and went home.
He called me when I got home to check if I were ok. I lied. I said it's fine and that I would call him when I'm ready....
As it turned out, the comedy show tickets were still on and knowing I did know Kieran seven months before we dated, I told him I could take it. We went to the comedy show together. Saw a friend called Rachel on the bus. Rachel saw us together and teased around. She and I would always do the whole "I like you, you like me" thing like we were a couple. Kieran interrupted with "Don't touch my man" followed by a smile. I got confused. I smiled though. Rachel, later told me that we look cute together. I gulped and I held back the sorrow that was building up. Little did she know that I was no longer Kieran's man. We were just friends who had dated and who knew we could get nothing out of this going to a comedy show.
We sat together and Kieran put his leg on mine while I grabbed his hand. Fresh from the break up as daters but filled with this unstoppable infatuation and desire that I felt for him that hasn't subsided, I took advantage of him taking advantage of me. I played along, not knowing it actually made me feel worse. I felt like I was petting a puppy that I've given to a new owner. We went back home and I called him and told him the truth. I told him I can't see him any longer cos it pained me and it killed me. I told him he confused the shit outta me by gesticulating and expressing things that usually 'friends' wouldn't do. It was over....
A month of no Kieran, I went to his facebook account to wish him a birthday wish in November and I saw a pic of him and Chris. They were together. It broke my heart. I know I didn't own him but it was just too soon to face this kind of picture. I ended up not wishing him, knowing it would kill me to receive any messages back from him.
I dated Todd. I wasn't attracted to him but I made a dinner for him and asked him to sleep over and we slept in the living room on our futon facing the moonlight from our balcony. He slept over. I thought this could be yet another chapter in my love life but I guess I was just living off what was left of me at the 'romance' department that Kieran had retrieved out of me. I told Todd I couldn't go on the next day. Not a good thing and I got bitched at like a high school boy who just dumped a prom queen. I was hated.
Weakness
It was of no use pretending to hate Kieran and I finally met up with him after a few months and we went for a dinner and a movie, as usual. He asked me if I were ok. I gave him a fake confident reply, which was 'yes' of course and this was when I know that I actually love this boy, be it boyfriend or not. He was happy and glad that we could still be friends. We started calling each other names that we both lived by while we were dating. Doofus and Dumov. I was doofus and he was dumov. Then, he looked into my eyes and went all serious. The face he pulled when he broke up. I was a bit hesitant to what I could make of it and I asked him "What's wrong?", feeling scared.
"No one has become a friend of mine after I break up with them. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I'm a good person, you know". He got all teary. I felt so strong for once again. i felt like a mother. I felt superior. I felt like I could save a soul. I felt.... loved. I told him what I had to. That I knew him seven months before I dated him and I love him as a person and not as someone to own as my boyfriend or anything and I promised him that I'll always be a friend to him.
After the movie, I asked him how Chris was. It was over. He told me Chris wasn't the one. I smiled.
Now that I think of it, I have loved someone in my life and I guess loving someone doesn't have to do anything with having them around your space for twenty four hours or holding a relationship status. In fact, my love for him has grown way stronger than it used to. He's got a good boyfriend at the moment, Michael, a really good looking man. I still keep in touch with Kieran and I think of him quite often. I have dated so many others and had put myself on the 'available' line with a lot but up to this day, I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved Kieran.
I am not saying there will not be another time I'll see someone I love again but for now, I guess I still love him and I have decided that I could love him until the day that I find someone to love again and actually have 'that someone' as mine. Love, to me at this moment, is not about relationship. It's not about sex. It's not about the things we do. It's about knowing he'll be in your life for as long as you can allow him to. Buddhism had taught me that greed, anger and ignorance are the three worst things in life. I guess I've gone through all anger with Kieran. Greed with Kieran. And as for now, I have eliminated the 'ignorance' part. I am no longer in denial of the fact that I love this man. I KNOW that I love him and I know he will love me and will be in my life.
Two years ago, which was also two years after I broke up with my ex boyfriend, or should I say my only boyfriend of my life, Simon, I dated the most beautiful guy, Kieran. After a long period of lack of self-confidence, cynical point of view and bitter nostalgia, I gave in to this feeling I got when I first met Kieran.
The Build-Up
Kieran and I have known each other for seven months without seeing each other. He was with his boyfriend back then, Terry, and we would always chat on msn. To me, he was just another pretty face or in a more low-tone term, a fresh meat. But, after so many conversations with him, I have begun to appreciate his personality and also built up this respect for him, as well as love. Be it brother or friendship, I felt it quite strong in my system. He broke up with Terry later.
It was a revue night and my best friend, Ali, and I went to a revue after party. Revue after parties is usually an excuse to either hook up or get drunk faced with those you love and have worked with each other for yonks, given making a revue is such a long process and an addictive routine. Ali hit it off with Ben that night and I was text messaging Kieran about how bored I was at the party since it's eased down to make out or chillax session after the heavy drinkers collapsed. Tipsy, Kieran invited me over. Tipsy, I accepted.
The park
The park next to my Randwick appartment was where I met him. I just needed some alone time with someone I'd love to talk to and there we were, Kieran and I on a park bench talking, both tipsy and almost impossible to make out what we were both saying. He felt cold and we went back to his place. Two boys in a bed in their boxers, after some pushing and shoving, turned out to be a kiss fest. I still remember the first time his lips touched mine. It wasn't heaven. I just felt real for once. For someone who kisses people around for the fun of it and sleeps around, I just felt like I could accept that I like kissing him. We fell asleep and we woke up the next morning, both knowing there is a chance or hope that we would get together.
Chris's Handshake
A month passed on. A month of ice cream dates, candlelit treehouse and park sitting. Kieran made me do things I never thought was possible. Romance runs in my blood but I felt worth it when I used some of my romance routines on him. One night, I went to an asian shop with my brother(not my real brother), Pete, and we snatched out some toys off the claw machine. I got myself two and he's got himself four. I called Kieran and told him about it and he was around town. I went to Stonewall and gave him one of those toys I clawed out. I was introduced to this guy "Chris". I shook his hand and I could feel the insincere vibe. Being an oversea uni student among the gay capital wasn't actually cool. In a world where being materialisticly awesome was acceptable, I felt small when I talked to Chris. Conversation with him didn't last long either and I started feeling insecure and scared in Kieran's friend's crowd. It hit me then when he introduced me as his 'friend' after we actually dated. So, I went home scared.
The next week, Kieran and I went for a movie. The upper seatings area was banned but I sneaked him into that area and there we were, sitting in the middle of empty seats with his head in my arm and me kissing his forehead. Scared and helpless about the "chris" incident though I didn't really have any reasons to be, I gripped his shoulder tight while he dozed off in my arm. Long day at work, my knight in shining armor retreated to a short nap while I watched the movie, thinking and thinking.. and thinking. After he took me home and after I got down, I turned back at him and asked him, looking into his eyes. "Do you like me?"... "Yes, I do"
That filled out my one month with him. I got him a ticket for a comedy show at my uni and we decided to go out one night and he came and picked me up from work. I wrote him a song, got a bouquet of yellow flowers cos he likes the color yellow and waited for time to pass. My workmates got all excited when he came into work after the shop had been shut and took pics of me and him and the yellow bouquet. Happiest night ever. We went for a movie again and then I told him I had to talk to him. Surprisingly, he said the same thing. We need to talk....
We need to talk
So, as usual, I took him to the park where we used to sit. He was cold on his way home so I gave him my jacket. Then, I asked him what he had to say. He forced me to say what I had to say first. I gave in and asked him 'what are we?' and his facial expression turned serious and for the first time, I saw him sad. I still remembered his tone. A dry whispery yet gentle with a bit of a crack tone you would normally hear from a kid who just hit puberty. He said he doesn't know but he doesn't see us together but he would like to be my friend. My mouth went dry. I couldn't face him. I stared at the dusty ground. He knew I was upset and he couldn't face me either. I told him it's cool and I asked him if we could just go home and I would call him later. I asked him not to walk me home. Thank god, I did cos I cried walking home and it wasn't a soft cry. It was a cry of defeat and letting go. I cried like I did when I was six and went home.
He called me when I got home to check if I were ok. I lied. I said it's fine and that I would call him when I'm ready....
As it turned out, the comedy show tickets were still on and knowing I did know Kieran seven months before we dated, I told him I could take it. We went to the comedy show together. Saw a friend called Rachel on the bus. Rachel saw us together and teased around. She and I would always do the whole "I like you, you like me" thing like we were a couple. Kieran interrupted with "Don't touch my man" followed by a smile. I got confused. I smiled though. Rachel, later told me that we look cute together. I gulped and I held back the sorrow that was building up. Little did she know that I was no longer Kieran's man. We were just friends who had dated and who knew we could get nothing out of this going to a comedy show.
We sat together and Kieran put his leg on mine while I grabbed his hand. Fresh from the break up as daters but filled with this unstoppable infatuation and desire that I felt for him that hasn't subsided, I took advantage of him taking advantage of me. I played along, not knowing it actually made me feel worse. I felt like I was petting a puppy that I've given to a new owner. We went back home and I called him and told him the truth. I told him I can't see him any longer cos it pained me and it killed me. I told him he confused the shit outta me by gesticulating and expressing things that usually 'friends' wouldn't do. It was over....
A month of no Kieran, I went to his facebook account to wish him a birthday wish in November and I saw a pic of him and Chris. They were together. It broke my heart. I know I didn't own him but it was just too soon to face this kind of picture. I ended up not wishing him, knowing it would kill me to receive any messages back from him.
I dated Todd. I wasn't attracted to him but I made a dinner for him and asked him to sleep over and we slept in the living room on our futon facing the moonlight from our balcony. He slept over. I thought this could be yet another chapter in my love life but I guess I was just living off what was left of me at the 'romance' department that Kieran had retrieved out of me. I told Todd I couldn't go on the next day. Not a good thing and I got bitched at like a high school boy who just dumped a prom queen. I was hated.
Weakness
It was of no use pretending to hate Kieran and I finally met up with him after a few months and we went for a dinner and a movie, as usual. He asked me if I were ok. I gave him a fake confident reply, which was 'yes' of course and this was when I know that I actually love this boy, be it boyfriend or not. He was happy and glad that we could still be friends. We started calling each other names that we both lived by while we were dating. Doofus and Dumov. I was doofus and he was dumov. Then, he looked into my eyes and went all serious. The face he pulled when he broke up. I was a bit hesitant to what I could make of it and I asked him "What's wrong?", feeling scared.
"No one has become a friend of mine after I break up with them. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I'm a good person, you know". He got all teary. I felt so strong for once again. i felt like a mother. I felt superior. I felt like I could save a soul. I felt.... loved. I told him what I had to. That I knew him seven months before I dated him and I love him as a person and not as someone to own as my boyfriend or anything and I promised him that I'll always be a friend to him.
After the movie, I asked him how Chris was. It was over. He told me Chris wasn't the one. I smiled.
Now that I think of it, I have loved someone in my life and I guess loving someone doesn't have to do anything with having them around your space for twenty four hours or holding a relationship status. In fact, my love for him has grown way stronger than it used to. He's got a good boyfriend at the moment, Michael, a really good looking man. I still keep in touch with Kieran and I think of him quite often. I have dated so many others and had put myself on the 'available' line with a lot but up to this day, I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved Kieran.
I am not saying there will not be another time I'll see someone I love again but for now, I guess I still love him and I have decided that I could love him until the day that I find someone to love again and actually have 'that someone' as mine. Love, to me at this moment, is not about relationship. It's not about sex. It's not about the things we do. It's about knowing he'll be in your life for as long as you can allow him to. Buddhism had taught me that greed, anger and ignorance are the three worst things in life. I guess I've gone through all anger with Kieran. Greed with Kieran. And as for now, I have eliminated the 'ignorance' part. I am no longer in denial of the fact that I love this man. I KNOW that I love him and I know he will love me and will be in my life.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Calm
It's been a while since I last blogged and the main reason is because I don't really feel like I needed to. I'm feeling so calm these days afer I've been doing some self-reflections. I'm known to run away whenever I'm faced with some issues, new or old but this time round, I guess I just have nowhere to run to. No gloria jeans or oxford street. My life was lacking caramel lattes and gay bars.
So, life without caramel lattes and gay bars made me a bit sane, not that there's anything wrong with caramel lattes and gay bars. Just that it gave me more time to myself. My ex flatmate used to tell me to have some 'own time' whenever I can and I used to be so against it but when I'm faced with a 'nothing to do but have own time' moment, at first it killed but later I noticed how calm it could actually make me feel.
First of all, I thought about insecurity. I've written a lot about this almost on every blog entries:- how some of my friends are insecure, how insecurity fucks me up or just how insecurity is not needed. Now, I've thought yet another version of insecurities. I notice that I talk a lot about myself when any conversation's made between me and almost anyone. It makes me think as if I'm reassuring myself about the things I've said. Like, "I'm not into the showbiz scene".. I would repeat that for so many times and it somehow makes me feel a bit cheap about myself lately and I've come to stop doing that often. I guess, it's more fun for people to find out about me as opposed to me telling them things.
The other thing that's kinda linked to security is the fact that I don't have to worry so much about anyone knowing about my homosexuality. I used to have a list of 'must not know', 'must know' and 'don't care' people in my head and I've just reached this point where I don't give a fuck about what others think anymore. If my folks ever suspect it, I'll tell them the truth.
I guess with those factors eliminated I've become more peaceful and calm about myself and of course with myself. The weekend drifted on as usual. Two days at my mom's. Grandma went to bangkok this morning and I actually hit the gym before work. Being employed at this job gives me free acess to the gym, jacuzzi, sauna and swimming pool. So I came to work at 7am and did some weight lifting before work. Speaking of gym, the showers at the gym are sooo not safe. The doors were made of transparent glass. Though blurred you can still see every shapes of forms of whatever that was inside the shower rooms. I saw one guy kneeling down and scrubbing something. I'd love to assume it as a scrubbing job while my other sense tells me he was doing something more than scrubbing.
I was early for work as usual but to my surprise, a blue eyed mid aged American came into my room and we started talking. Turned out to be one of those 'comfortably funny' conversation. He's the most attractive person to date I've seen at work, not that the others weren't but he's the hottest I've seen and I was automatically flirting in convo with him until he mentioned about his wife. Then, that's when we started talking about midget porn. Yes, if you run outta things to say, just start the 'midget porn' conversation. He's sitting where my Italian colleague used to sit and it's like a 11 o clock eye candy from my desk.. but ah well, straightness ruins it. He'll just be another good workmate to enjoy conversations with... and yes, midget porn once again...
I nearly let this blog entry go without mentioning this kid who came into our office. A kid, who kinda looks a bit abnormal, came into our office and he kept mumbling "I find it interesting" and kept walking around. My Thai boss, my dad's friend, the blue eyed american and I just stared at him and there was this three minutes of awkward silence as he walked around. He then tried to get the handphone off my Thai boss, then the blue eyed american.. (god, let's just call him BEA). Finally, BEA said he'll have to go down to use the phone. He ran with a "Thank you sir". It was quite scary to be honest though it seems a bit funny when I think of it now.
So, life without caramel lattes and gay bars made me a bit sane, not that there's anything wrong with caramel lattes and gay bars. Just that it gave me more time to myself. My ex flatmate used to tell me to have some 'own time' whenever I can and I used to be so against it but when I'm faced with a 'nothing to do but have own time' moment, at first it killed but later I noticed how calm it could actually make me feel.
First of all, I thought about insecurity. I've written a lot about this almost on every blog entries:- how some of my friends are insecure, how insecurity fucks me up or just how insecurity is not needed. Now, I've thought yet another version of insecurities. I notice that I talk a lot about myself when any conversation's made between me and almost anyone. It makes me think as if I'm reassuring myself about the things I've said. Like, "I'm not into the showbiz scene".. I would repeat that for so many times and it somehow makes me feel a bit cheap about myself lately and I've come to stop doing that often. I guess, it's more fun for people to find out about me as opposed to me telling them things.
The other thing that's kinda linked to security is the fact that I don't have to worry so much about anyone knowing about my homosexuality. I used to have a list of 'must not know', 'must know' and 'don't care' people in my head and I've just reached this point where I don't give a fuck about what others think anymore. If my folks ever suspect it, I'll tell them the truth.
I guess with those factors eliminated I've become more peaceful and calm about myself and of course with myself. The weekend drifted on as usual. Two days at my mom's. Grandma went to bangkok this morning and I actually hit the gym before work. Being employed at this job gives me free acess to the gym, jacuzzi, sauna and swimming pool. So I came to work at 7am and did some weight lifting before work. Speaking of gym, the showers at the gym are sooo not safe. The doors were made of transparent glass. Though blurred you can still see every shapes of forms of whatever that was inside the shower rooms. I saw one guy kneeling down and scrubbing something. I'd love to assume it as a scrubbing job while my other sense tells me he was doing something more than scrubbing.
I was early for work as usual but to my surprise, a blue eyed mid aged American came into my room and we started talking. Turned out to be one of those 'comfortably funny' conversation. He's the most attractive person to date I've seen at work, not that the others weren't but he's the hottest I've seen and I was automatically flirting in convo with him until he mentioned about his wife. Then, that's when we started talking about midget porn. Yes, if you run outta things to say, just start the 'midget porn' conversation. He's sitting where my Italian colleague used to sit and it's like a 11 o clock eye candy from my desk.. but ah well, straightness ruins it. He'll just be another good workmate to enjoy conversations with... and yes, midget porn once again...
I nearly let this blog entry go without mentioning this kid who came into our office. A kid, who kinda looks a bit abnormal, came into our office and he kept mumbling "I find it interesting" and kept walking around. My Thai boss, my dad's friend, the blue eyed american and I just stared at him and there was this three minutes of awkward silence as he walked around. He then tried to get the handphone off my Thai boss, then the blue eyed american.. (god, let's just call him BEA). Finally, BEA said he'll have to go down to use the phone. He ran with a "Thank you sir". It was quite scary to be honest though it seems a bit funny when I think of it now.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Neutral State
As much as I love attention, I don't like to fish for attention anymore when it comes to bad things. I've tried so many things in the past to lure people around me to find out how sad I was or how depressed I am but lately, I think it's pretty bullshit. If someone sincerely cares about you, he or she would know when you're in the down. So, I let the natural flow take hold of me for a few days after my gramps got back from their trip.
In the end, being a fan of not being able to hold back my feelings, I spat them all out to them. About how much I felt so locked up in the house and about how much of a lie it is, I think, that they think I'm a grown up adult. I even hinted them about my homosexuality. I told them that I've only done something which you might not like but I am ready to tell you if you're ready to ask. Just like my mom, they didn't. I'm sure they know already and they just don't wanna know what's going on.
Regarding that, I'm not gonna look at how people are gonna think of me and how things are gonna be if or when someone finds out and all that. I think if I were comfortable with myself, I wouldn't have to care and I never am the one to think of the past or the future. And now that I'm very comfortable with letting my folks know about it, I'll just wait for the day they're gonna ask me if I were gay.
Monday night was spent at a bbq restaurant with my boss and my colleague, my dad's friend. I think an outing with workmates is always the best solution to a good team and of course it works everytime. We have so much fun and I could find ease in telling them two anything I want about myself. We talked about guys in general. hahaha what are the odds of NOT talking about men when it comes to dinnering with me?
On another note, I have restarted exercising once again to make myself feel and look better and I am contemplating quitting alcohol and smoking once again. I remember the last time I did it, I shrank. Now would be the best time to shrink once again. :D
In the end, being a fan of not being able to hold back my feelings, I spat them all out to them. About how much I felt so locked up in the house and about how much of a lie it is, I think, that they think I'm a grown up adult. I even hinted them about my homosexuality. I told them that I've only done something which you might not like but I am ready to tell you if you're ready to ask. Just like my mom, they didn't. I'm sure they know already and they just don't wanna know what's going on.
Regarding that, I'm not gonna look at how people are gonna think of me and how things are gonna be if or when someone finds out and all that. I think if I were comfortable with myself, I wouldn't have to care and I never am the one to think of the past or the future. And now that I'm very comfortable with letting my folks know about it, I'll just wait for the day they're gonna ask me if I were gay.
Monday night was spent at a bbq restaurant with my boss and my colleague, my dad's friend. I think an outing with workmates is always the best solution to a good team and of course it works everytime. We have so much fun and I could find ease in telling them two anything I want about myself. We talked about guys in general. hahaha what are the odds of NOT talking about men when it comes to dinnering with me?
On another note, I have restarted exercising once again to make myself feel and look better and I am contemplating quitting alcohol and smoking once again. I remember the last time I did it, I shrank. Now would be the best time to shrink once again. :D
Monday, September 14, 2009
Home outside my home
People used to ask me when I was in sydney how I've managed to keep smiling and always stay happy. I never had a clear answer for that and I just kinda told them I've been through the worst which was my father's death. Not long ago, my grandma told me about my cousin who's failing a lot of subjects and who's supposed to be a good student. Despite being an orphaned kid, he's always managed to be chilled and happy. My grandma didn't get why he's failing a lot of subjects. Without thinking and any hesitations, I just told her it's those people who smile that has the most painful depth within them. And my grandma said "As long as you're not talking from your own experience". I just shrugged and smiled.
Today, I've finally realized that I was talking about myself when I told my grandma about my cousin. I've bottled up too much already and finally it's leaked and it's about to downpour this huge thick black stain on my mind.
Everything started from my sister. How she's so dumb about taking her husband back who's bad to her. I don't mind the being bad to her to that extent but he was rude to my grandparents and my mom. So, as this protector, I tried to solve the problem. I took her to my mom's and even moved her things for her. Now-a-days, she's still talking to her husband like nothing's happened. The worst thing is whenever I confide in her anything about myself and boys, she still is convinced that I can turn myself into this 'female loving' guy who can have a perfect life with a wife and kids. How can I help it that I don't get turned on by females? Still, she is convinced. Not only that, it hurts me more that she thinks it's actually 'right' or 'good' to be straight.
Then, my grandparents left for a few days. I was home with my uncle who can't walk. They asked me to take care of him and that was the reason why I wasn't allowed to go out at night. But then they also asked him to take care of me. So, he would be calling me nonstop and I would even get scolded if I don't pick up the phone from the meetings at work. And, he would also consider the amount of time I use my car for work as 'using for leisure' and he did the whole 'don't you feel sorry for the driver' routine. So, for four nights in a row, I cried all alone in my room feeling so locked up. Twenty eight years old and mature my ass. That's what they call me and that's how they don't treat me as.
Last friday, I finally stalked Dimple. I even got to know his Thai friend and to my surprise, both of them were not gays. It's true that I've released four albums in the past and that I did have a name for myself in showbiz but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm popular or someone you would wanna hang out with at first glance. He came over to our table last few weeks and hung out with me like he was flirting with me and all that and I just felt a bit jaded and used that he only did that because he's this B-rated actor who's hungry for popularity. Well, on an optimistic side, maybe he was just being friendly to us but I just don't get why he would come to my table a lot and take pics with us all the time. It hurts even more that I told his Thai friend that I'm gay. I feel so jaded. I know I'm feeling angry and rejected because the boy I like is not gay but at the same time, I have the right to feel what I am feeling now because he should've never come as super friendly. I just don't get it. What does he want from me?
The only person who hasn't hurt my feelings or done me wrong is my mom and I've been thinking of coming out to her. I've always wanted to since 2002 but my sister stopped me and told me she would kill herself if she ever finds out that her son is gay. Now, since I'm in the most vulnerable state, I just don't feel the need to keep satisfying those around me and I feel so angry and hurt at how my loved ones are 'only' trying to shape me up. It's not that I'm a bad son or trouble to anyone and I think that's the reason why concerns and worries keep lurking out of nowhere.
I need to be me and I need to find out who's gonna love me for me and not for someone that I could try to be just to please others. I find it hard to smile and sing these days. Like I said, my bottle's leaking and I'm fading fast.
On the other hand, I'm deeply proud of my friends for being able to be there for me on Friday. They took me to sedona and made me smile. For the fast three hours with them, I felt like 'me' and I was too happy to even utter a word of my real depression behind this huge mask I've been wearing. Also at work, I've been nothing but happy.
Now, if you must, please tell me how unreal it is that I feel home 'outside' my home?
Today, I've finally realized that I was talking about myself when I told my grandma about my cousin. I've bottled up too much already and finally it's leaked and it's about to downpour this huge thick black stain on my mind.
Everything started from my sister. How she's so dumb about taking her husband back who's bad to her. I don't mind the being bad to her to that extent but he was rude to my grandparents and my mom. So, as this protector, I tried to solve the problem. I took her to my mom's and even moved her things for her. Now-a-days, she's still talking to her husband like nothing's happened. The worst thing is whenever I confide in her anything about myself and boys, she still is convinced that I can turn myself into this 'female loving' guy who can have a perfect life with a wife and kids. How can I help it that I don't get turned on by females? Still, she is convinced. Not only that, it hurts me more that she thinks it's actually 'right' or 'good' to be straight.
Then, my grandparents left for a few days. I was home with my uncle who can't walk. They asked me to take care of him and that was the reason why I wasn't allowed to go out at night. But then they also asked him to take care of me. So, he would be calling me nonstop and I would even get scolded if I don't pick up the phone from the meetings at work. And, he would also consider the amount of time I use my car for work as 'using for leisure' and he did the whole 'don't you feel sorry for the driver' routine. So, for four nights in a row, I cried all alone in my room feeling so locked up. Twenty eight years old and mature my ass. That's what they call me and that's how they don't treat me as.
Last friday, I finally stalked Dimple. I even got to know his Thai friend and to my surprise, both of them were not gays. It's true that I've released four albums in the past and that I did have a name for myself in showbiz but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm popular or someone you would wanna hang out with at first glance. He came over to our table last few weeks and hung out with me like he was flirting with me and all that and I just felt a bit jaded and used that he only did that because he's this B-rated actor who's hungry for popularity. Well, on an optimistic side, maybe he was just being friendly to us but I just don't get why he would come to my table a lot and take pics with us all the time. It hurts even more that I told his Thai friend that I'm gay. I feel so jaded. I know I'm feeling angry and rejected because the boy I like is not gay but at the same time, I have the right to feel what I am feeling now because he should've never come as super friendly. I just don't get it. What does he want from me?
The only person who hasn't hurt my feelings or done me wrong is my mom and I've been thinking of coming out to her. I've always wanted to since 2002 but my sister stopped me and told me she would kill herself if she ever finds out that her son is gay. Now, since I'm in the most vulnerable state, I just don't feel the need to keep satisfying those around me and I feel so angry and hurt at how my loved ones are 'only' trying to shape me up. It's not that I'm a bad son or trouble to anyone and I think that's the reason why concerns and worries keep lurking out of nowhere.
I need to be me and I need to find out who's gonna love me for me and not for someone that I could try to be just to please others. I find it hard to smile and sing these days. Like I said, my bottle's leaking and I'm fading fast.
On the other hand, I'm deeply proud of my friends for being able to be there for me on Friday. They took me to sedona and made me smile. For the fast three hours with them, I felt like 'me' and I was too happy to even utter a word of my real depression behind this huge mask I've been wearing. Also at work, I've been nothing but happy.
Now, if you must, please tell me how unreal it is that I feel home 'outside' my home?
Friday, September 11, 2009
I-Candy @ Work
Here I am thinking work was good but today, I found out that it's a place for the best eye candy. A place where most people from other organizations speak good English, have so many different races and share the same interests is just tres awesome. Last few days ago, I met this white dude in the other room who kept staring at me and I stared back at him. Yesterday, one of our meeting heads was this really good looking American dude with a tattoo on his neck who kept complimenting me on my good taste in tie choice. Today, one of our fascilitators is a French dude who kept staring at me as well. I mean, I don't really think I'm that starable and maybe they stare at me because I stare at them a lot as well but it feels good when they try to talk to you. Like this French dude, I know that he likes hip hop and I am about to slip a post-it with my favorite hip hop artists' names on top. Apparently, there's also this Aussie gay guy on the eighth floor who wears earrings to work and I also met up with this sweet Indonesian gay guy who has a good taste in 'traditional' outfits and who also finds me weird for wearing tie to office. Aww, it's not that bad working here.
Now that my boss knows that I'm gay, it makes us so much easier to chat. Since I know how to speak Thai, she and I would talk in Thai whenever we want to talk rubbish, like eye concealer make up or just guys in general. It's true that I work with an organisation large enough to meet really important people but it's also true that when it comes down to reality, there's always a fun factor in everyone of us no matter how important we look or scary we like to make of ourselves to intimidate others.
On another note, Ma Thi, Ed and I have been crazily involved in gtalk status war. Three of us, in our offices, have started a war with our gtalk statuses, which keep changing almost every minutes. It started from $15 incident. Well, Ed apparently returned $15 to Ma Thi in front at a check out saying "This is for last night", which later got them making fun of each other with the whole "A gay boy gives $15 to a hooker" spoof. Then, it later got into this whole farm thing. Ma Thi has this farm on facebook where she has cows and pigs and she would name them the funniest names. I joined Farmville yesterday and I am aiming to buy myself a horse and name her 'Gozilla' without the 'd'. So, from $15 to farm animals, the time in our offices from different part of the world seems to be one big fun war to have. God bless technology and googletalk.
Now that my boss knows that I'm gay, it makes us so much easier to chat. Since I know how to speak Thai, she and I would talk in Thai whenever we want to talk rubbish, like eye concealer make up or just guys in general. It's true that I work with an organisation large enough to meet really important people but it's also true that when it comes down to reality, there's always a fun factor in everyone of us no matter how important we look or scary we like to make of ourselves to intimidate others.
On another note, Ma Thi, Ed and I have been crazily involved in gtalk status war. Three of us, in our offices, have started a war with our gtalk statuses, which keep changing almost every minutes. It started from $15 incident. Well, Ed apparently returned $15 to Ma Thi in front at a check out saying "This is for last night", which later got them making fun of each other with the whole "A gay boy gives $15 to a hooker" spoof. Then, it later got into this whole farm thing. Ma Thi has this farm on facebook where she has cows and pigs and she would name them the funniest names. I joined Farmville yesterday and I am aiming to buy myself a horse and name her 'Gozilla' without the 'd'. So, from $15 to farm animals, the time in our offices from different part of the world seems to be one big fun war to have. God bless technology and googletalk.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My Life, I Write
So, I came back to Burma thinking there's a whole lot of mess for me to clean and also to cleanse myself from the sick old me that I used to be. I saw how my family was doing and kinda thought to myself how I could save them from becoming who they are or what might happen to them. I saw my friends and found out they are my true friends and have adapted myself to a new dosage of once a week joint sharing and alcohlism. I got to work in a new environment and thought to myself how lucky I am to get this job. The question here is am I really happy. Sadly enough, the answer is 'no'.
I find that I've been involving myself to a lot of situations which I could easily ignore for the sake of who are in it. I have been tiring myself for my family and friends and I think it's time that I stop.
My sister's relationship with her husband is unstable and I think it's none of my business to get involved and try to find a better life for her. Eventually she will find herself a better life, be it one that I might not be proud of or one that I actually want. My mom's feeling really buggered having to nurse her parents and I have to see her twice a week to make sure she gets a full glimpse of her son while he's in Burma. My grandparents have seen a new me since I got back; much more open towards them and been talking a lot. My friends saw me take weed for the first time and could see how I've been enjoying myself with them everytime they wanna hang out.
It's useless.
My gramps have gone to outer city for four days and my Friday is ruined now because I have to be home by eleven before my uncle sleeps. So, this 'thinking for others' routine is really starting to get to me. I always look towards for Fridays since it's the last working day of the week and also the day that I might be able to hang out with my friends. BUT NO, this time, it's timed. And I once showed my grandma the pic of me and 'the designer' making out and of all the time she could choose, she chose to tell me to becareful of girls BEFORE I went for work. That made me angry because here I am trying to hide my homosexuality to make them happy and there they are warning the shit outta me just because I made out with my friend, who happens to be a fag hag, if only they know the truth.
Since I was pissed off with my grandparents last night, I called Steve and KP on the phone for some encouragement or just voices from friends but they were too fucked stoned on weed and ended up laughing at every single sentences I said. Don't get me wrong, they will always be my best friend and I do NOT hate them.
I don't know... I just think it's about time I do things on my own FOR MY OWN sake. I thought I could play god. I thought I could be a useful thread of line in our family tree. But I guess the only thing that I got out of all this is frustration, greed and anger.
Buddhism... when I was a monk, they did teach me that all of us came to this life on our own and shall leave on our own. We all have to do what's best for ourselves and not to get that attached to others around us. Life is one hell of a drug. It's addictive but it kills. So, before I could say I'm killed for my life, I'm gonna start to work on things I want and things I could get on my own and for my own sake.
I find that I've been involving myself to a lot of situations which I could easily ignore for the sake of who are in it. I have been tiring myself for my family and friends and I think it's time that I stop.
My sister's relationship with her husband is unstable and I think it's none of my business to get involved and try to find a better life for her. Eventually she will find herself a better life, be it one that I might not be proud of or one that I actually want. My mom's feeling really buggered having to nurse her parents and I have to see her twice a week to make sure she gets a full glimpse of her son while he's in Burma. My grandparents have seen a new me since I got back; much more open towards them and been talking a lot. My friends saw me take weed for the first time and could see how I've been enjoying myself with them everytime they wanna hang out.
It's useless.
My gramps have gone to outer city for four days and my Friday is ruined now because I have to be home by eleven before my uncle sleeps. So, this 'thinking for others' routine is really starting to get to me. I always look towards for Fridays since it's the last working day of the week and also the day that I might be able to hang out with my friends. BUT NO, this time, it's timed. And I once showed my grandma the pic of me and 'the designer' making out and of all the time she could choose, she chose to tell me to becareful of girls BEFORE I went for work. That made me angry because here I am trying to hide my homosexuality to make them happy and there they are warning the shit outta me just because I made out with my friend, who happens to be a fag hag, if only they know the truth.
Since I was pissed off with my grandparents last night, I called Steve and KP on the phone for some encouragement or just voices from friends but they were too fucked stoned on weed and ended up laughing at every single sentences I said. Don't get me wrong, they will always be my best friend and I do NOT hate them.
I don't know... I just think it's about time I do things on my own FOR MY OWN sake. I thought I could play god. I thought I could be a useful thread of line in our family tree. But I guess the only thing that I got out of all this is frustration, greed and anger.
Buddhism... when I was a monk, they did teach me that all of us came to this life on our own and shall leave on our own. We all have to do what's best for ourselves and not to get that attached to others around us. Life is one hell of a drug. It's addictive but it kills. So, before I could say I'm killed for my life, I'm gonna start to work on things I want and things I could get on my own and for my own sake.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Happy Office
So, it came to this point where I'm ACTUALLY happy at work. Calling up people with names like Bunny, and god he was a man, walking around rooms feeling useful and just staying away from home. Home has become a bit of a stressful area. Not because there has been any issues but I guess when I've been out for a long time, my grandparents reached this point where they become more paranoid than they really are or they really should be. It's a bit of an annoyance actually.
My boss kept teasing me the whole day cos she just got back from Hong Kong with a "Burger King" bag. Knowing I love Burger King and that we can't really get it here in Burma, she kept going "I'm gonna have Burger King for dinner la la la". Now seriously, you cannot blame me for liking work way better than my place.
Office is closed at the moment and it's time to head home. Yet another day of exercise and DVD at home. Le sigh.
My boss kept teasing me the whole day cos she just got back from Hong Kong with a "Burger King" bag. Knowing I love Burger King and that we can't really get it here in Burma, she kept going "I'm gonna have Burger King for dinner la la la". Now seriously, you cannot blame me for liking work way better than my place.
Office is closed at the moment and it's time to head home. Yet another day of exercise and DVD at home. Le sigh.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Motivation Declined
Life has come to this point where I have "wake me up when september
ends" in my head on repeat. Come to think of it, I guess this
miserable life-on-repeat would only end after October.
It's not like I don't like my job. In fact, I love the people in the
office and I am loving everything I can learn from it and as mentioned
in my earlier blog entries, it's quite beneficial for further job
applications since my resume will look a lot better. But, it's just
that last week just finished in a flash.
Well, maybe it was mainly because I didn't get to see Dimple when I
tried to stalk him on Friday night. Apparently he goes there either on
Friday or a Saturday night and last week happened to be that week
where he goes out on Saturday. So, it was five days of work, one night
with friends and two weekend days with my mom.
I love work. I love going to my mom's house but when it comes to an
endless pit of loop happening each and everyday to me, it's just
impossible to keep myself happy. I know that when I get back to
Sydney, I'll be doing the same old same old work like a bitch on
weekdays and spend the weekend wisely routine but the only difference
is that there is freedom after work.
Here in Burma, after work is just the DVD rental shop and workout.
There is no midnight Gloria Jeans run. I mean, it's doable but since I
don't drive nor have my driver around that time, it's just me and my
bed. Going to my mom's is quite ok given there is always a round of
poker as a family entertainment but then, talking with my mom and sis
and sensing their impatience for a better life (especially my sis)
just drives me up the wall.
I don't know. I guess I'm bored. I need a life. I need motivation.
Spare me any? Now's the time.
ends" in my head on repeat. Come to think of it, I guess this
miserable life-on-repeat would only end after October.
It's not like I don't like my job. In fact, I love the people in the
office and I am loving everything I can learn from it and as mentioned
in my earlier blog entries, it's quite beneficial for further job
applications since my resume will look a lot better. But, it's just
that last week just finished in a flash.
Well, maybe it was mainly because I didn't get to see Dimple when I
tried to stalk him on Friday night. Apparently he goes there either on
Friday or a Saturday night and last week happened to be that week
where he goes out on Saturday. So, it was five days of work, one night
with friends and two weekend days with my mom.
I love work. I love going to my mom's house but when it comes to an
endless pit of loop happening each and everyday to me, it's just
impossible to keep myself happy. I know that when I get back to
Sydney, I'll be doing the same old same old work like a bitch on
weekdays and spend the weekend wisely routine but the only difference
is that there is freedom after work.
Here in Burma, after work is just the DVD rental shop and workout.
There is no midnight Gloria Jeans run. I mean, it's doable but since I
don't drive nor have my driver around that time, it's just me and my
bed. Going to my mom's is quite ok given there is always a round of
poker as a family entertainment but then, talking with my mom and sis
and sensing their impatience for a better life (especially my sis)
just drives me up the wall.
I don't know. I guess I'm bored. I need a life. I need motivation.
Spare me any? Now's the time.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Links
It's funny how my family's a bit ignorant of the word 'homosexuality' and also a bit intimidated by it. Well, that's how I see it actually. Maybe it's just not their style but it makes it weirder that my folks are quite paranoid when it comes to me and the girls. I swear I've never had a proper occasion where I could trust my 'girl'friend to be a person they would all respect to see as someone who's valued my trust and friendship but instead they always look to the whole impossibility of me impregnating her or she using me. It's ridiculous. I came to work this morning after my grand-dad got a pissed off with waking me up. I mean, I know I have work so I will wake up and when someone has just woken up, it's only normal to murmur out some words you're not capable of controlling. All I said was 'gee' in Burmese and he got pissed off. On the other hand, they know I'm going to Sedona tonight and my grandma did this 'girls are dangerous' talk and this only happened because I showed them a pic of kissing my friend, the designer. Yes, she's got a kid and she's separated from her husband but like, they don't know for sure that she knows that I'm queer. And it's funnier that they don't know I'm actually going tonight to stalk a boy and making out with the designer would just be a bonus thrill and an ego boost or simply things friends do for fun. I'm so sick of it.
I came back home late last night from work at 8pm. Maybe because I am a newb but I find it quite excitingly pleasant that I was doing a lot of things yesterday. From binding papers to attending meetings, I was having so much fun just being able to contribute to work as opposed to sitting down at my desk waiting for my friends to come online so that I can just speak gibberish.
The Burmese lady in my office, I've finally thought of a name for her. I would call her my 'old friend'. It's funny how this happened but yesterday while she and i were waiting for things to happen while our other colleagues went to a meeting, we talked about a lot of things. I told her about my sexual preference, to which she found it quite weird but acceptable. She told me about her husband who actually died on the same month in the same year as my dad's. The weirder thing was they were the same age. So, I had a 'omg that is so funny' moment and as we were talking, the weirdest thing happened. I told her the name of my dad and they happened to be old schoolmates. And, we started giving out names and stuffs and she seems to know a lot about my family. It was nice to know the person who I'm gonna share the office for two months is actually someone who's not only nice but an old friend of my dad. It's actually her birthday today and she's gonna treat me and the rest of our colleagues to a good lunch. Office party, here we come.
I like my job. I know it's only been five days and I know it'll get harder but I guess the people here are more than fine. I have always been a bit paranoid about office politics, where some people form a clique and kinda discriminate against each other. Well, that's not for all the office people and it applies to only 'some' of them but I think most of the working environment in Burma has a bit of politics issues when it comes to 'socializing' or just 'bonding' with your workmates.
I can't wait for tonight. It's stalking to its max and I'm going to Sedona again with my friends to check out if Dimple's there. If he's there, this time round, I'm gonna ask for his number :D
I came back home late last night from work at 8pm. Maybe because I am a newb but I find it quite excitingly pleasant that I was doing a lot of things yesterday. From binding papers to attending meetings, I was having so much fun just being able to contribute to work as opposed to sitting down at my desk waiting for my friends to come online so that I can just speak gibberish.
The Burmese lady in my office, I've finally thought of a name for her. I would call her my 'old friend'. It's funny how this happened but yesterday while she and i were waiting for things to happen while our other colleagues went to a meeting, we talked about a lot of things. I told her about my sexual preference, to which she found it quite weird but acceptable. She told me about her husband who actually died on the same month in the same year as my dad's. The weirder thing was they were the same age. So, I had a 'omg that is so funny' moment and as we were talking, the weirdest thing happened. I told her the name of my dad and they happened to be old schoolmates. And, we started giving out names and stuffs and she seems to know a lot about my family. It was nice to know the person who I'm gonna share the office for two months is actually someone who's not only nice but an old friend of my dad. It's actually her birthday today and she's gonna treat me and the rest of our colleagues to a good lunch. Office party, here we come.
I like my job. I know it's only been five days and I know it'll get harder but I guess the people here are more than fine. I have always been a bit paranoid about office politics, where some people form a clique and kinda discriminate against each other. Well, that's not for all the office people and it applies to only 'some' of them but I think most of the working environment in Burma has a bit of politics issues when it comes to 'socializing' or just 'bonding' with your workmates.
I can't wait for tonight. It's stalking to its max and I'm going to Sedona again with my friends to check out if Dimple's there. If he's there, this time round, I'm gonna ask for his number :D
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A Sigh of Sanity
I guess the forth day of work isn't that bad, given I was given a lot of things to do and the whole day was spent nailing them one by one. Today, I got to know one of my colleagues better. An Italian lady who lives with her Indian husband in Burma. She and I went jewellery shopping. I took her to this place where they sell jewellery and since she'll be going to Shanghai for a while, she was gonna buy stuffs from Burma for her friend and she ended up buying a pair of opal earrings.
It was nice to get to know my workmates. I actually got to know a lot more in the morning when our boss introduced me to a lot of people from other departments and I was sent to most of their meetings, mainly as a PR person. Yeah, I was the pimp of work and I love it.
Now that I have managed to get my sis's issues, I guess I feel better as a person and as a brother. I mean, I guess I just have to stay on the line as opposed to being on one side of the line than the other. I feel quite pleased as well since I could look back at myself and kinda make sure I'm on the right track and all that.
I don't know... I can't care about anything at this point.. I just have to better my own life once again.
It was nice to get to know my workmates. I actually got to know a lot more in the morning when our boss introduced me to a lot of people from other departments and I was sent to most of their meetings, mainly as a PR person. Yeah, I was the pimp of work and I love it.
Now that I have managed to get my sis's issues, I guess I feel better as a person and as a brother. I mean, I guess I just have to stay on the line as opposed to being on one side of the line than the other. I feel quite pleased as well since I could look back at myself and kinda make sure I'm on the right track and all that.
I don't know... I can't care about anything at this point.. I just have to better my own life once again.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Right Solution
I guess this is the first ever time I'm posting a live blog. It's been ages since I've done one and I've been just writing things at home, saving them onto my hard disk and pasting them out in internet cafes.
Second day at work seems pretty cool. Still the minute taking bitch but I'm enjoying learning new things. Officework, always been interested in it but has never pictured myself doing it. Having to do something is way better than not having anything to do but then, having a lot to do sucks as well, especially when you don't have that much time. At the moment, I don't really seem to have a lot of things to do, which is cool but then I'd feel useless for quite some time or just restlessly wondering if I were supposed to be doing anything.
It's not a good day today. My sis's husband was drunk and just brainless. He went over to my grandparents' house, threw stones and climbed over the fence. He called me on the phone while I was at work. It came to the point where I had to find my sis and take her in our car and send her back home but he was there at the gate waiting for her. So, we just let him have a talk with my sis IN my mom's house. Just writing about it makes me sick. Here I am with this huge wanting to let my sis part with her husband just to end all misery and there they were trying to fix the same old story both had written everytime one of them fucks up.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's one thing to care about urself and it's yet another to care about ur family but I guess in life, there has to be a balance. I cannot decide for my sister and I guess I've done what I could to help her out. It's not my say or my fault that she's gonna suffer if she makes the wrong decision.
As a Buddhist, I was also taught to believe that all of us are born alone and will die alone. Having too much attachment to someone as much is just wrong. It's true she is my flesh and blood sister but why try to fix her when you're not allowed to enter the door.
I've also learnt that being too happy in this life can be quite risky, since it won't prepare you for any screw ups in the future. I guess I was running away from the truth when I was mostly happy. I tried to hide what's really there and make myself believe that life is good. I guess, that's not really the solution to this shannanigan... I guess, facing it and acting accordingly to come up with something to stop the misery for once and for all would be the best solution.
At the moment, my solution to this case would be to just be there for my sis ONLY if she needs me and if not, I'll gladly step away, even if it means I have to watch her slowly fade.
Second day at work seems pretty cool. Still the minute taking bitch but I'm enjoying learning new things. Officework, always been interested in it but has never pictured myself doing it. Having to do something is way better than not having anything to do but then, having a lot to do sucks as well, especially when you don't have that much time. At the moment, I don't really seem to have a lot of things to do, which is cool but then I'd feel useless for quite some time or just restlessly wondering if I were supposed to be doing anything.
It's not a good day today. My sis's husband was drunk and just brainless. He went over to my grandparents' house, threw stones and climbed over the fence. He called me on the phone while I was at work. It came to the point where I had to find my sis and take her in our car and send her back home but he was there at the gate waiting for her. So, we just let him have a talk with my sis IN my mom's house. Just writing about it makes me sick. Here I am with this huge wanting to let my sis part with her husband just to end all misery and there they were trying to fix the same old story both had written everytime one of them fucks up.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's one thing to care about urself and it's yet another to care about ur family but I guess in life, there has to be a balance. I cannot decide for my sister and I guess I've done what I could to help her out. It's not my say or my fault that she's gonna suffer if she makes the wrong decision.
As a Buddhist, I was also taught to believe that all of us are born alone and will die alone. Having too much attachment to someone as much is just wrong. It's true she is my flesh and blood sister but why try to fix her when you're not allowed to enter the door.
I've also learnt that being too happy in this life can be quite risky, since it won't prepare you for any screw ups in the future. I guess I was running away from the truth when I was mostly happy. I tried to hide what's really there and make myself believe that life is good. I guess, that's not really the solution to this shannanigan... I guess, facing it and acting accordingly to come up with something to stop the misery for once and for all would be the best solution.
At the moment, my solution to this case would be to just be there for my sis ONLY if she needs me and if not, I'll gladly step away, even if it means I have to watch her slowly fade.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)