People used to ask me when I was in sydney how I've managed to keep smiling and always stay happy. I never had a clear answer for that and I just kinda told them I've been through the worst which was my father's death. Not long ago, my grandma told me about my cousin who's failing a lot of subjects and who's supposed to be a good student. Despite being an orphaned kid, he's always managed to be chilled and happy. My grandma didn't get why he's failing a lot of subjects. Without thinking and any hesitations, I just told her it's those people who smile that has the most painful depth within them. And my grandma said "As long as you're not talking from your own experience". I just shrugged and smiled.
Today, I've finally realized that I was talking about myself when I told my grandma about my cousin. I've bottled up too much already and finally it's leaked and it's about to downpour this huge thick black stain on my mind.
Everything started from my sister. How she's so dumb about taking her husband back who's bad to her. I don't mind the being bad to her to that extent but he was rude to my grandparents and my mom. So, as this protector, I tried to solve the problem. I took her to my mom's and even moved her things for her. Now-a-days, she's still talking to her husband like nothing's happened. The worst thing is whenever I confide in her anything about myself and boys, she still is convinced that I can turn myself into this 'female loving' guy who can have a perfect life with a wife and kids. How can I help it that I don't get turned on by females? Still, she is convinced. Not only that, it hurts me more that she thinks it's actually 'right' or 'good' to be straight.
Then, my grandparents left for a few days. I was home with my uncle who can't walk. They asked me to take care of him and that was the reason why I wasn't allowed to go out at night. But then they also asked him to take care of me. So, he would be calling me nonstop and I would even get scolded if I don't pick up the phone from the meetings at work. And, he would also consider the amount of time I use my car for work as 'using for leisure' and he did the whole 'don't you feel sorry for the driver' routine. So, for four nights in a row, I cried all alone in my room feeling so locked up. Twenty eight years old and mature my ass. That's what they call me and that's how they don't treat me as.
Last friday, I finally stalked Dimple. I even got to know his Thai friend and to my surprise, both of them were not gays. It's true that I've released four albums in the past and that I did have a name for myself in showbiz but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm popular or someone you would wanna hang out with at first glance. He came over to our table last few weeks and hung out with me like he was flirting with me and all that and I just felt a bit jaded and used that he only did that because he's this B-rated actor who's hungry for popularity. Well, on an optimistic side, maybe he was just being friendly to us but I just don't get why he would come to my table a lot and take pics with us all the time. It hurts even more that I told his Thai friend that I'm gay. I feel so jaded. I know I'm feeling angry and rejected because the boy I like is not gay but at the same time, I have the right to feel what I am feeling now because he should've never come as super friendly. I just don't get it. What does he want from me?
The only person who hasn't hurt my feelings or done me wrong is my mom and I've been thinking of coming out to her. I've always wanted to since 2002 but my sister stopped me and told me she would kill herself if she ever finds out that her son is gay. Now, since I'm in the most vulnerable state, I just don't feel the need to keep satisfying those around me and I feel so angry and hurt at how my loved ones are 'only' trying to shape me up. It's not that I'm a bad son or trouble to anyone and I think that's the reason why concerns and worries keep lurking out of nowhere.
I need to be me and I need to find out who's gonna love me for me and not for someone that I could try to be just to please others. I find it hard to smile and sing these days. Like I said, my bottle's leaking and I'm fading fast.
On the other hand, I'm deeply proud of my friends for being able to be there for me on Friday. They took me to sedona and made me smile. For the fast three hours with them, I felt like 'me' and I was too happy to even utter a word of my real depression behind this huge mask I've been wearing. Also at work, I've been nothing but happy.
Now, if you must, please tell me how unreal it is that I feel home 'outside' my home?
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