My Life, I Write

So, I came back to Burma thinking there's a whole lot of mess for me to clean and also to cleanse myself from the sick old me that I used to be. I saw how my family was doing and kinda thought to myself how I could save them from becoming who they are or what might happen to them. I saw my friends and found out they are my true friends and have adapted myself to a new dosage of once a week joint sharing and alcohlism. I got to work in a new environment and thought to myself how lucky I am to get this job. The question here is am I really happy. Sadly enough, the answer is 'no'.

I find that I've been involving myself to a lot of situations which I could easily ignore for the sake of who are in it. I have been tiring myself for my family and friends and I think it's time that I stop.

My sister's relationship with her husband is unstable and I think it's none of my business to get involved and try to find a better life for her. Eventually she will find herself a better life, be it one that I might not be proud of or one that I actually want. My mom's feeling really buggered having to nurse her parents and I have to see her twice a week to make sure she gets a full glimpse of her son while he's in Burma. My grandparents have seen a new me since I got back; much more open towards them and been talking a lot. My friends saw me take weed for the first time and could see how I've been enjoying myself with them everytime they wanna hang out.

It's useless.

My gramps have gone to outer city for four days and my Friday is ruined now because I have to be home by eleven before my uncle sleeps. So, this 'thinking for others' routine is really starting to get to me. I always look towards for Fridays since it's the last working day of the week and also the day that I might be able to hang out with my friends. BUT NO, this time, it's timed. And I once showed my grandma the pic of me and 'the designer' making out and of all the time she could choose, she chose to tell me to becareful of girls BEFORE I went for work. That made me angry because here I am trying to hide my homosexuality to make them happy and there they are warning the shit outta me just because I made out with my friend, who happens to be a fag hag, if only they know the truth.

Since I was pissed off with my grandparents last night, I called Steve and KP on the phone for some encouragement or just voices from friends but they were too fucked stoned on weed and ended up laughing at every single sentences I said. Don't get me wrong, they will always be my best friend and I do NOT hate them.

I don't know... I just think it's about time I do things on my own FOR MY OWN sake. I thought I could play god. I thought I could be a useful thread of line in our family tree. But I guess the only thing that I got out of all this is frustration, greed and anger.

Buddhism... when I was a monk, they did teach me that all of us came to this life on our own and shall leave on our own. We all have to do what's best for ourselves and not to get that attached to others around us. Life is one hell of a drug. It's addictive but it kills. So, before I could say I'm killed for my life, I'm gonna start to work on things I want and things I could get on my own and for my own sake.