Calm

It's been a while since I last blogged and the main reason is because I don't really feel like I needed to. I'm feeling so calm these days afer I've been doing some self-reflections. I'm known to run away whenever I'm faced with some issues, new or old but this time round, I guess I just have nowhere to run to. No gloria jeans or oxford street. My life was lacking caramel lattes and gay bars.

So, life without caramel lattes and gay bars made me a bit sane, not that there's anything wrong with caramel lattes and gay bars. Just that it gave me more time to myself. My ex flatmate used to tell me to have some 'own time' whenever I can and I used to be so against it but when I'm faced with a 'nothing to do but have own time' moment, at first it killed but later I noticed how calm it could actually make me feel.

First of all, I thought about insecurity. I've written a lot about this almost on every blog entries:- how some of my friends are insecure, how insecurity fucks me up or just how insecurity is not needed. Now, I've thought yet another version of insecurities. I notice that I talk a lot about myself when any conversation's made between me and almost anyone. It makes me think as if I'm reassuring myself about the things I've said. Like, "I'm not into the showbiz scene".. I would repeat that for so many times and it somehow makes me feel a bit cheap about myself lately and I've come to stop doing that often. I guess, it's more fun for people to find out about me as opposed to me telling them things.

The other thing that's kinda linked to security is the fact that I don't have to worry so much about anyone knowing about my homosexuality. I used to have a list of 'must not know', 'must know' and 'don't care' people in my head and I've just reached this point where I don't give a fuck about what others think anymore. If my folks ever suspect it, I'll tell them the truth.

I guess with those factors eliminated I've become more peaceful and calm about myself and of course with myself. The weekend drifted on as usual. Two days at my mom's. Grandma went to bangkok this morning and I actually hit the gym before work. Being employed at this job gives me free acess to the gym, jacuzzi, sauna and swimming pool. So I came to work at 7am and did some weight lifting before work. Speaking of gym, the showers at the gym are sooo not safe. The doors were made of transparent glass. Though blurred you can still see every shapes of forms of whatever that was inside the shower rooms. I saw one guy kneeling down and scrubbing something. I'd love to assume it as a scrubbing job while my other sense tells me he was doing something more than scrubbing.

I was early for work as usual but to my surprise, a blue eyed mid aged American came into my room and we started talking. Turned out to be one of those 'comfortably funny' conversation. He's the most attractive person to date I've seen at work, not that the others weren't but he's the hottest I've seen and I was automatically flirting in convo with him until he mentioned about his wife. Then, that's when we started talking about midget porn. Yes, if you run outta things to say, just start the 'midget porn' conversation. He's sitting where my Italian colleague used to sit and it's like a 11 o clock eye candy from my desk.. but ah well, straightness ruins it. He'll just be another good workmate to enjoy conversations with... and yes, midget porn once again...

I nearly let this blog entry go without mentioning this kid who came into our office. A kid, who kinda looks a bit abnormal, came into our office and he kept mumbling "I find it interesting" and kept walking around. My Thai boss, my dad's friend, the blue eyed american and I just stared at him and there was this three minutes of awkward silence as he walked around. He then tried to get the handphone off my Thai boss, then the blue eyed american.. (god, let's just call him BEA). Finally, BEA said he'll have to go down to use the phone. He ran with a "Thank you sir". It was quite scary to be honest though it seems a bit funny when I think of it now.