The itch

I’m the worst best friend ever. It was Dukwaychee’s birthday today and I had a post it on my desktop saying ‘Wish Dukwaychee a Happy birthday’ and I ended up not doing it.

On another note, I’ve been alone in my house for a week and two days now. No one came over. My plans for sleepover and cuddles failed since I couldn’t bear to have BooMan with another man on his bed while I’m here. I have to admit I am DYING for a cuddle or just warmth at the moment. It’s not always about sex or being penetrated but I’d love to have someone who cares for me with his/her arms around me to tell me that things will be alright. But ah well, I’m still the only one on my bed at the moment.

It’s been a huge replica of every week days at work. Unmotivated and just so sick of nothing happening around, I get bored easily.

It was after work when I went out with Mimi for an ice cream that I noticed how confused I’ve become. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex. Having a proper relationship with someone has made me somewhat a listener for other people. There were times I’ve shouted at Mimi over his fluctuating expression of his ex. I always give a threshold of three months for people to recover, not because I’m being inconsiderate but it’s because I can’t bear to lead someone I care about for more than three months reminiscing about an ex who’s just useless.

Mimi and I hung out at the hip hop festival and two days afterwards, we were both on TV from the news about the hip hop festival. He was pretty happy about it since he’s been pretty much homebound since his ex left him for oversea. Been away for three whole years without socializing or any contacts with other gay boys, two whole years with contact with his ex and a few months with his ‘not as consistent as before’ contacts, he’s finally been given a total shutdown from his ex. I don’t get it. Why can’t people just say ‘hey babe, I’m sick of you. Let’s break up!’

Mimi told me how he and his ex got to know each other through the internet and a month later, his ex came to Myanmar. His ex’s plan was to fuck around with any gay men in Myanmar. His ex also has this someone who hooks him up with ‘so called’ popular Myanmar gay boys. His ex’s plan failed when both Mimi and he fell in love. They spent two months together and it has been just phone calls since then.

It’s understandable how one can lose faith in a relationship due to long distance. But, I got disgusted with the whole gay match making scene. Mimi was one of the victims given on a list of ‘to fuck’ for his ex by this mysterious pimp in the states. When Mimi and his ex fell in love, this mysterious pimp was not happy and he tried to break them up. Seriously, who are you? Even Jesus has no control of the lives of his creations.

To be honest, I’ve been itching to be free. Given I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from guys around me and I’m getting a bit sick of being away from BooMan, I had been itching to just play around until I meet BooMan. That thought has always been at the back of my head. Defeated by my other monogamous side, I started to get pissed off with myself and I started to get confused about what I want in life.

Mimi’s story about gay men (and this is not just in Myanmar) and the million dollar smile of BooMan I saw from VZO chat today somehow has made the monogamous side of me defeat the player that I could’ve become once again.

Strong Hein…. Strong Hein…. Strong Hein

Listening to: Adele - Hometown glory

Confused celebrity in the making

Interviews with celebrities or pop stars can be quite annoying especially when they keep whingeing about how they’re so tired and so confused about life. I guess I’m paying the prize for ever thinking that it’s annoying cos any of you who’s gonna read this blog would find me quite annoying after reading this.

Career:
I’ve never expected this to happen but one song in a compilation album and one album in the making after one year and three months stay in Myanmar, I’ve reached a place I’ve never been to in my life. My picture was in a candid corner in one of those ‘NW’ alike magazines; there’s this pic of me looking suspicious with a bubble on top of me that kinda makes fun of my facial expression. Now, this wasn’t an interview off a magazine but for a new comer (well almost a new comer) to have such a candid shot on a teen-friendly magazine means a lot to me, even if it’s supposed to make fun of me. One dude, I have no idea who, made a video of his girlfriend’s picture with my song in the background with credits to me of course. My music video off the compilation album has finally made it to a Burmese website where anyone around the world could view my video. It’s quite overwhelming how these things could come in group in my face in one week.

Social:
I love attention I admit. However, yesterday while I was at KC’s show, I went backstage because the show organizer dude, one of the very popular dudes, asked me to come to him to shake my hands and say hi just because his parents knew my grandparents. He also gave me access to the backstage where I was greeted by big names like Sai Sai, Too Big, J-Me and other rappers. He has also said he would help me with anything if I ever needed any help. I happened to be a family friend to the hottest gay dude I’ve seen in Myanmar, who doesn’t really go around yapping with anyone and which kinda made me feel special in a way. Hot escort dude, who is also one of the popular gay guys, came and said hello to me at a bar on Friday and we happened to have a good friendship in the making. Today, I was kinda talked to by the famous Filipino dancer in Myanmar, FDancer, at a star studded dinner. I was also conversing with a former member of the first ever hip hop bands, Acid, and his girlfriend, who’s the daughter of a Myanmar legend. People also found out that I’m related to a member of one of the most respected underground bands, Antibiotic. It’s pretty crazy to be honest. I do not try hard but I keep getting these friends every second.

Lovelife:
BooMan has to go to KL on his working trip and he and I talked about how I could meet him in KL to spend one week with him there. My love for BooMan has been growing and we seem pretty tight.

Jobs:
Still working in UN and kinda bored with it, however I was in a meeting where I might seem to have a lot to do in the following months. I’ve also been doing part-time freelance DJing for a radio show, where I’m paid well and where I am involved in the first English ‘actual DJ’ing radio show in Myanmar and one of my friends have asked me if I wanted to work at a cable movie company. My other friend who works for Myanmar television has also been bugging me to come over to their station to contribute some stuffs.

Now, I know this sounds like any man’s dream. But, I’m confused. I don’t really know if I’m ok with seeing BooMan only because I don’t wanna part with him afterwards but then again, one should make the best use of things. I’m also a bit worried about my PR approval now. If I get the PR approved, I’ll be giving away these possibilities and god, how I know how my life would totally change at a turning point.
I’m very confused at the moment to what I really want right now.

Happy birthday to Jsquare’s mom btw. A nice woman and pretty much respected!

Listening to: One Republic - All the right moves

Emancipation of Mimi

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I used to remember repeating that phrase during a class called ‘Values’, only because I love the teacher “Miss Grace”. At school, there would be photograph sales and I would buy her pictures, thinking it was cool to get pictures of those I love and I would show it to her and she would start buying them back from me, thinking I bought them for her. I would always stare at her weird for buying them away from me.

Mimi, yes yes yes I always find it a big wonder how gay boys LOVE Mariah, and I were supposed to know each other eons ago. His mom is a family friend of my mom’s best friend. Mimi got involved in one of these ‘so where do I stand’ issues.

Where do I stand issue:
This is when your loved ones totally turned blind eyes on you, with no informing of their whereabouts or what they’re feeling. One minute you have the best time with your loved one and the next he’s gone without any contacts for you. Usually happens to males sadly; it kinda proves how female of the species are much braver than the males.

So, Mimi has been one of those people who would talk about their love life. Not only because he’s a pretty attractive gay friend of mine but also because I treat him more like my family friend, I would always listen to him. I would always sigh at his messages where he would be going round and round on something that he has no idea of. What is my boyfriend doing? Why is he avoiding me? Why am I in this situation? It kinda itches me more cos he’s one attractive gay boy and his boyfriend, to me, is just another baloney of a fat lard bisexual. I’m not being shallow but some men should know what they’re losing at times.

KC has a show today and he gave me two free tickets. At first, I was gonna make this our triplet outing, with Loggie and SuitMan. SuitMan had a family dinner and Loggie agreed to come with his girlfriend to the KC’s hip hop festival. Knowing I’d be a bit left out with a couple, I asked Mimi to join us and surprisingly he agreed to come with. This was not the first time I hang out with Mimi but it was also the first Myanmar music festival I’ve been to since 2002. It’s been six years for me and it’s been almost the same for Mimi; I was surprised how he’s stopped going to these places since his boyfriend went oversea.

The update is how his boyfriend’s mom is avoiding his phone calls now and how he still doesn’t know what has become of his boyfriend. I feel sorry for Mimi; I really do. I just think he deserves so much better than this. A cute gay boy who can be so monogamous and faithful to his boyfriend from a slut that he was once, it’s heartbreaking to see such a drama has to come upon him.

I sent Mimi back home and I told him we should hang out more. As a family friend and as a gay man who understands how it feels to be left in the unknown from a strange reaction changeover of a boyfriend who was once so loyal and head over heels with you, I feel the need to get him outta his sad loophole.

You deserve better, Mimi! Time to emancipate!

Listening to: Lea Salonga - We could be in love (feat. Brad Kane)

A day without a handphone screen

This is gonna be one of the most complicated blogs that I would’ve ever written. Being alone in a room on a Saturday night for someone who don’t read made me think.

Not long ago, I was talking about ‘exposure’ with my friend. Then, I talked about it in the office. Translator agreed with my theory. It all started after I saw those children, the surviving victims from Nargis in the monastery. They were so happy with what they were given. They have no internet, no telephone nor even no DVD to watch cartoon on, let alone cable TV.

I went to Pyapon in my last job. Rural area at its best, I was scared to walk into a house, where bamboo sticks were place aligned to each other in parallel as floor. I was worried my weight would collapse the floor which would collapse the whole house itself. The space of the whole house is around 10 x 15 foot square. That’s not even a space of my whole room. They were happy though. They do live in poverty but they were happy with what they’ve got. Of course they wanted more but don’t we all.

My theory on exposure would state how we all are pretty used to what we are exposed to as of now. I’ve never wanted an ipod until I got to use one or see an ad. I never knew how to use the internet until I was shown how to chat online during breaktime. Exposure spoils us; exposure does educate us; but at the same time, it gives us this feeling of emptiness once they were gone.

My handphone totally screwed up today. I felt like shit. I felt like I was lost in life. The screen didn’t light up and I couldn’t see any phone numbers. I could call or dial numbers but I wasn’t sure if I was pressing the number at the right time to the right person. Rewinding 20 years ago when I was so happy without a handphone and communication was only due to hope. Is my granddad ok? Has he come back from the office? My only answer was when the car horn honked and I ran to the gate to see him at the back of the car driving into our house.

This exposure theory also made me think about how we were all created. Now, I’m gonna be combining all religions. Despite the fact that I’m a born Buddhist, I believe that anyone has the right to believe in what’s good of any religion. Yes, it’s true Islamic peeps would sacrifice cows, which in turn would kill innocent cows… but there are some good points in the religion itself; if I’m not wrong, they came up with the story where their God would punish them for greed. The ocean would dry up and fish would die and if you’re greedy enough to go pick those fish up to either eat them or sell them instead of going home, the ocean would eat you up. Now, if you look at this scientifically, this is exactly what happens when a tsunami is about to strike. The ocean dries up and the tide goes low. And before you know it, a holy mofo huge wave crashes and this would be the time you would survive if only you hadn’t been ‘greedy picking up the fish’. Maybe some Christians do not like homosexuals but the Ten Commandments do not sound as stupid as the ‘homos are bad’ rules. Jewish people do not eat pork but little do we know that some of their ‘rules’ can easily be scientifically friendly. I’m not sure I remember it correctly but somehow what the Jewish people were not allowed to eat at some time of year are actually ‘bad for your health’ food. So in a way, once or twice a year, every Jewish who follows their custom would actually be cleansing their insides. Buddhism is never a religion to me. It’s just a book of philosophy. You either follow it or not.

So, Buddhism talks about how we’re all born alone in the world and how we exit this world alone. After thinking about how pathetic it was to see me all dramatic over the loss of a handphone screen, I kinda thought about what it would be like if I have to lose those I love in life. What if BooMan dies before I do? The attachment is yet another issue in our lives I guess. Guilty as charged, I am an easily attached person and a huge fan of love, which in turn could activate the ‘greed’ button in our bodies.

I guess the point that I’m trying to make is how every religion is educational. It’s interesting how some teachings are actually simple and can be scientifically useful. Somehow, according to who the ‘bible’ was passed through, the rules have changed due to personal reasons. Just because I used the word ‘bible’ does not really mean I am only talking about Christianity. Buddhism itself can be quite annoying when you have a biased monk who might be popular among worshippers but turns out to be one who preaches the teachings through personal issues. The elders are always correct… umm.. nope.. If that’s true, would you let your dad, at age 90, run around in circles in your garden nude if he said he wants to?

Exposure, cultures, religion, attachment, greed… all part of human life.. and this also proves the saying ‘Nothing is perfect’ and nothing is right.

Everyone of us should just sit back and think about things like this.. this would save a lot of lives and stop the chaotic world we’re living in.

A day without my handphone and I’m thinking this much. If you think this blog has been useful or somewhat correct, imagine how much this world could be awesome only if people could give in as much time as Hein did when his handphone lost its screen.

Listening to: Basement Jaxx - Romeo

I want to take you to a gay bar... gay bar

The funniest thing about the club YGN on a Friday night is the fact that it was the night where the leading gay activist in Myanmar, Mr Brian, attempts to do a stonewall-alike shows, only instead of those beefy meatballs, you get skimpy monkey queens doing what they think is a dance number.

The homo scene itself in Myanmar is quite funny. You got these small groups of boys just chillin' and some dancing. What looks like a group of Korean drama characters wannabes would be jumping around in skinny legs jeans and oversized tops.

Now, a club in Myanmar has whores, prostitutes, hookers or just simply girls hoping to get picked up. How can you tell? They wander in groups that could interchange. So, if you have a group of two girls near the exit sign and then a group of three girls next to the billiard table, when they get to the dancefloor they would all somehow fuse and the group intervenes and you could see them disperse in two different groups, but with members interchanged. Then, you know they are hookers!!

So, when you have a gay night with hookers, looking at the dancefloor was fun. You got all the gay boys at one end and the hookers on the other. No one gives a shit about the hookers and it was just a sight to see since normally these hookers would get the best attention on a normal night in a club in Myanmar. It cracked me up why the hookers even bothered to show up on a gay night.

It's BooMan and my nine months today. If we were together and if I have egg cells, we could be having kids by now hahaha. I love him!!!

And hanging out in a club on a gay night with DoubleA and his crew was fun....
good friday night...

Listening to: Madonna - I love new york

Origin: to beyond... and back

Everything has its origin. Buddhism stated we were born into this world alone and we shall leave alone. A force cannot be created nor destroyed. You can never change a person. The end is a new beginning. There is a reason why the word ‘loop’ was ever invented.

My other blog stated how KP and I became friends. What I missed out was our trio. KP and I met Steve and hung out with him. After I left for Australia, KP and Steve became best of friends. I got back here and found out those two were on weed three forth of the times I met them.

I have always wanted to be either a VJ or a DJ. Like my sister would look in the mirror and act as if her reflection was her patient and ended up talking alone at a young age, I, admittedly, talked to myself while watching MTV during my teenage phase. I imagined I was the person in charge of presenting the playlist.

I have always loved my grandparents since birth.

These are a few examples of the contents which added up to a scenario tonight. KP admitted he quit weed. Was tough but he did it. I stared at him blankly and I did notice a huge difference in him. He’s been talking to me lots lately, hanging out with me and for once, he’s embracing his surroundings. I went to KP’s house for my pilot DJ show recording. Unlike live radio booth elsewhere, Myanmar’s radio is not recorded live, which I think is due to restrictions in contents of what could be said. For the pilot episode, KP chose the songs but it was pretty much talked out with me before.

Supergrass – Mansize Rooster
Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Roadtrippin
Richard Cheese – Creep
Amy Winehouse – Rehab
Sugababes – About you now
Billy Talent – Surrender

He was impressed and he and I talked about the video he was going to direct for one of my songs. He called it the ‘psychadelic’ flow, which channels Bjork in a way. Weird yet message-driven. It’s me in white costume with a black background, with eyeliners, beating drums, going on rollercoasters, drinking blue drinks and Chinese dragon dance in the background. Sounds insane but very arty. I just hope it comes out nice. On our way home, KP and I sang to our favorite Green Day album, well it was more like his.. Dookie, while mine was Nimrod. We reminisced. I was glad my friend was once again weed clean and pretty much happy. Steve and I are still in touch. DoubleA and I are best friends as before.

It seems like everything’s gone back to place the way I left off before I went to Sydney. Everything that has changed during my five years stay in Sydney has finally adapted to my surrounding once again. The album that KP and I worked on before I left has somehow become a music video he’s directing for me and a radio show which he produces and I host.

Now, this makes me wonder…. Am I ready to go back to Sydney yet? Maybe after my album.. maybe..

Listening to: Eminem - Love the way you lie (feat. Rihanna)

My grandparents

As much as I think it’s an accomplishment, I was wrong. I thought coming back here to Myanmar kinda desensitize myself to become more neutral in the never ending inconsistent relationship with my grandparents on a very unintentional level. Each and everyday has been showing me signals all along the path of my life. It hit me hard tonight and as I sit down tonight crying my ass off over spilt milk, which is half spoilt anyways, if there’s one big regret that I’m facing right now, it’s the fact that I have been wrong about my grandparents.

I was born 2kg from a young couple who believed in love. I was adopted by a woman and a man, who also believe in love but worry over their children too much; just too much that it’s caused my mom pain. Being a daughter in law must be tough and my dad dying didn’t help me to see my grandparents, who are the in laws to my mom, as angelic figures. Of course, there has always been a certain level of love and respect any good grandson could give. But I do admit that my love for them is never sufficient enough compared to theirs for me.

On a very natural scale, adopting a child has its limits. First of all, it is NOT your child and no matter how much you love him/her, it’s hard to expect it back from him and it’s always dangerous to have an existing ‘actual’ maternal figure, the mom of course, around… even worse when she’s actually the daughter in law. I did a pretty good job as a kid but as anyone who fears competitors, my grandparents could get pretty overprotected over me.

I started to get pretty comfortable in the pamper zone and luckily enough, I was the duck who hatches golden eggs; it’s pretty funky my grand-dad got promoted to good jobs since they started adopting me. At a dangerous age where ego, rage and greed were at their best, my grandparents were capable and strong. Like any other humans, they’ve done a lot of bad things in life but so do all other human beings. The only thing that they should never be guilty of was the fact that the both did it out of love for me.

Being in an empty house for this week, I had to sleep in my grandparents’ room. As I was walking to the toilet, I saw this piece of paper cellotaped to their closet. It’s got my name on top and a list of things I told them to prepare for to accommodate my silly diet plans.

Egg, tuna and bread for breakfast and lunch
Pear or pamelo only for fruits
Oatmeal cookies for snacks
Tuna again for dinner

My grandma has diabetes and the whole oatmeal cookies originated from her snack box. It’s her safety vest in case she has hypothermia at night and would require a bit of sugar to calm her down. They’re in their sevenies and they are living happily but when you have me whingeing over going over to my brother-in-law for my sister after work as an additional extra stress, I feel way too shameful to have two people in their late seventies who both still have time to cellotape my silly diet plan on their wardrobe.

They have invested so much for me. My first Muppet Babies drumset, my first bongo, my first keyboard lessons, my first golf set, my first gymnastic lesson, my first Reebok Pump shoes (actually they bought me the Regulator model which I had a huge sulkfest on and then they later bought me the actual Reebok pump shoes), my education, my college, my uni (which I did a five years course for a three years where one year was wasted because I was lazy to find out I was ACTUALLY exempted for a year), my four albums and an upcoming one, my phonecalls to BooMan (which I kept promising them that I would pay back) and the list goes on.

My family was never a billionaire types and we would always donate and give things to other whenever we can, both mom and dad and both my grandparents. However, if I would ever calculated the amount of investment on me, I wouldn’t be able to find out if I could ever find that much amount in my lifetime.

So, what did I give them back? Self sympathy. My suicide attempts. The night I came home drunk and puke everywhere and my mom and grand-dad had to carry me upstairs while I was in my boxers. My rebellious silent treatments.

I thought I’ve been doing a great deal of things that would change them for the good too. But I guess that’s not the point. Like, I’ve been trying to fit the jigsaw pieces between my mom and grandma for ages and I think it’s finally working. Both, two women of great ego and intellect, it’s only fair that it’s taken me 29 years of my life to slowly get them to appreciate each other or just know that there’s just so much competition that you can have to just have to ignore that element one day in life. I told them that I would not go to the monastery every 11th of every month to honor my dad’s day of death, since Buddhism has taught us not to dwell on the past. It’s funny how the fact that I’ve been doing that is actually making them sad. Buddhism says the present matters and if I handle that righteously, I shouldn’t even give a fuck about following them to the monastery and it’s always ourselves we should try to fix.. not others. Age has fucked up a lot of things and it’s only fair that it’s taken me this long to finally get used to their ageing. I sometimes had to repeat things twice. Still, grandma would always have a list in her purse to get me gel, facial foam and other toiletries, my reason being ‘busy in the office’ or ‘busy socializing’.

I feel like I haven’t done enough for them. Now, I owe them 400 dollars while trying to pay off my mom’s debt. I blame them sometimes because especially my grandma would keep repeating. I’ve failed my ‘saving plan’ on my career; using friends to help you in the industry, not using good cameramen and other stuffs. It’s a shot of my own poison when I found out no one is reliable unless there’s money or sufficient amount of love one has for you. Yet, my grand-dad encouraged me to carry on and use what’s needed to get a good product out of this album making.

Days like today remind me of the time I hugged my grand-dad and cried when I was refused onshore PR in Sydney because I was too busy directing a revue to check out the deadlines, the time I talked to my grandmom about BooMan only pretending that BooMan is a girl though both knowing I’m a homosexual in a Burmese Buddhist family (it was just a favor for my grandma to avoid repeating that I am in love with a man but somehow the conversation was funny and grandma contributed on staying true to your loved ones), the time I came home upset last week over the fact that only nine friends showed up at my video shoot when my grand-dad came to my room and patted me on my shoulder and as usual, the list goes on.

My colleagues were telling me how my grandparents can’t really stop writing about how much they love me. I guess I see it today after reading that diet list. I don’t know if I could do a good job with my kids. I don’t know if that burden is sustainable in the future with my sensitivity. I don’t know how much time I have left to give them back what they’ve lost (my grandmom’s jewellery box).

All I know is I’ll never keep trying to better myself to show them the love I’ve always had in me for them, but somehow got lost along the way, until the day they would have to bid me farewell.

I love you, grandma and grandpa, and god I need a tissue box.

Oh, you know what? It would be awesome to have them on my wedding day with BooMan…. One can wish, can’t he?

Listening to: Amy Winehouse - Back in black

Too high school... NOT

The world is God’s playground. It’s not that I’m Christian but I think I heard that line from a movie somewhere. There’s a reason why that line was ever invented.

BigSis told me once how I use the phrase “That’s so high school” a lot. It’s true. I use it more frequently than a person who’s weak synonymously. I guess it goes back to the days when I was quite assured that high school is the ONLY crossroad in life, which was like two seconds ago.

So, some people learn after high school; some learn through the mistakes they’ve made during high school but what about those who never learnt? Movies were made where geeks become the richest people and the school jocks and prom queens end up with kids, fat at home. Stereotyping was one of the many things that originated from high school. My high school life was fucked.

I was lost. I wanted to belong somewhere. I didn’t know what was going on most of the time. I could be easily lured to opinions. I was pretty much affected by every small little things in life. One day, everything would be easy whereas the next would be covered with such drama it would make me wonder where did things go wrong.

Growing up was not easy as much but it was worth it. I somehow opened up to the option that we could learn from things we do and mistakes we’ve made in the past. I started to regret less and walk firmer. But somehow, I used to let others get me down.

So, whatever happened to those who never grew up since high school? The immaturity still sticks with them and goes on.

It’s not about age. It’s not really that much about experience. It’s about how you are accepting yourself as a person to be able to better yourself each and everyday.

At this age, I have seen a girl who is so insecure about herself she needs to always pretend to be someone else by being angry at what others think about her and claim she owns the right to have the rightest opinions all the time. I have seen a man who thinks male and female are two different things that kinda differ in loudness, power and abilities; not to forget how he would carry on something as if he knows. I have seen an angry girl who thinks she can better her surroundings to others, when she herself has been angry with a lot of people; yes yes, it’s true what they say about pushing limits but at times, you have to look in the mirror and see how angry you’ve become. I have also seen an ex boyfriend who didn’t know what to do with his life and was using temporary pleasure as milestones in his life. I have seen an ex dater who is quite indecisive about things in life since he can have it all but let’s just say he’s quite settled for now. I have seen a woman who corrects herself by thinking she’s right and thinking others are wrong despite negotiations endeavored.

Everyone mentioned above are within the age range of 28 to 60. Now, this is not high school. It’s immaturity at its best. Tonight, an empty queen sized bed and a quiet night has finally made sense that life is directly proportional to maturity level. The more mature you get, the more you get outta life.

It’s sad to see those people suffering from things they invite themselves. I wish them the best…

And what’s my learning point today?
Well, not to ever be affected by negative people around me. They’re not high school. They just have to learn more in life.

Does this make me the smartest person?
Nope.. I still have lots to learn.

But, as of today, I can STOP using the word ‘too high school’ for the people around me.

Listening to: Roll Deep - Green light

The wtf-swished episode

You know those TV series episodes which really are continuous like Heroes and Desperate Housewives? No matter how continuous the episodes are, there are some episodes in between which make you go ‘wtf’ until you reach the middle of the episode and it finally has some connection with the prior episode.

Everything in my life sorta changed today. What used to be a drive out of my suburb was now a walk to a taxi stand outside my suburb. What used to be a noisy house with ten people was now a quiet house with five people. What used to be a one person bed was now a queen sized. What used to be a bed with one person was to become a bed with two people in it. What used to be a boring Monday at work was now a day at work where time shifts three hours from the last time you look at the time. What used to be a one hour stay at a music mixer’s house was now from seven from nine thirty pm.

I woke up this morning to see my grand-dad, grandmom, uncle and two nurses leave for Bangkok for their check up routine. Normally, my grand-dad wouldn’t join the ride but this time round, he has to go somehow. Since the car and the driver was used for their ride to the airport, I ended up having to take a taxi cab to work. I was a bit bored having to walk down a few blocks out of my suburb but my heart jumped when I saw a yellow taxi cab. Parami taxi company came up with these air conditioned beauties like ages ago but somehow I never got to ride them. Whenever I take a taxi cab, it would be just those fucked up car with cab drivers who charge me more than needed.

Monday morning was different at work. I ended up doing translations for Vchick with thought of how BooMan would be doing since he’s got a job interview today. I talked to one of my gay friends afterwards and kinda invited him over for a sleepover. I have him on facebook and I assume he knows about me and BooMan. I do not really have a separate bed and since I’ll have to sleep in my grandparents’ room, I’d be sleeping on a queen sized bed. So, at first, I was thinking about a good companied night in a quiet house. Somehow, I was brought to my senses when I picture BooMan in my mind with Olli on the same bed. No matter how much I trust BooMan, this would fuck me up to extreme. I mentioned this to BooMan somehow since it became a bit of a topic later and he was glad I told him and I kinda like what he said. I forgot the exact words to it but it was somewhere along the lines of avoiding things to happen which could have a different effect at the point where it happens. So, like no matter how much I trust my gay friend, if I didn’t avoid what I could’ve done today, I would never know what could become out of a push and shove. And as I’ve mentioned, it feels fucked to just think of imagining BooMan with another guy in his bed with him.

I went to MZ’s house after work, the dude who’s working on the mixdown of the multiple tracks on my songs. He was working on my song “Innocence” and though I had fun watching him at work, I kinda lost track of time and found out it was 9:30 pm only after the song was done.

Despite the dramatic changes in the scenery, some things stay the same. My driver going home late, my ever growing love for BooMan and pile of things to do at work.

Listening to: Katy Perry - Teenage dream

Welcoming fans

I almost forgot how it feels like to be back in the industry.

I woke up at six thirty today since I was to go to a monastery Thanlyin, a township a bit further from town but a bit close to me, where they keep orphans who lost their shelters during Nargis. DoubleA and his wife arranged it for the ten of us (seven other friends) four huge boxes of cookies, lots of cartons of milk and some mosquito repellents for the kids. We all chipped in 30$ each to get these items and it was such a good trip. Not only did I enjoy my morning with my friends but I also feel good at the end of day that I got to do what I could for the day for those in need.

12:30 pm was actually the time when the whole industry thing started. The schedule was as followings:-

1pm – 3pm : City Centre
3:30pm – 5:30pm : Sein Gay Har Shopping Centre
6:00pm – 8:00pm : Victoria Shopping Centre

For the compilation album that I was in, all of the singers (who could make it) had to sign autographs for the fans. The only thing that I was not aware of was the fact that some of us would have to perform too. The worst thing was how the producer did not have instrumental CDs for our songs and all of us ended up lip syncing to our own songs. There goes retribution. For all these times that I had paid out some artists for lip syncing, I had to pay by doing the exact same thing that they did.

To be honest, I was not in the mood to perform but this was the only way to expose myself back to all the fans who might have forgotten me. It felt so good being able to talk to some of my fans. Some of them gave me a weird look since they did not expect me to look like I do now. Some whispered behind my back. The most fun I had was at the very end (Victoria Shopping Centre) where the promotion was almost like a live show (well, except from the lip syncing). The other shopping centres only had this small space where some singers could perform but the last one was this HUGE stage with this huge table on top. Some artists signed while some artists performed in front of the stage.

I got to touch my fans’ hands. It was so nice to have such a welcoming atmosphere. They started jumping to my slow song which was kinda weird. They started reaching out their hands from below for me to touch or just slap. I ended up giving them my leather band since they were trying to take it off me. Yes, I did like that leather strip around my wrist but at the same time, it felt good that they felt good that they got something from me.

It was a good day. I’m fuck-all tired and all I could say was it’s worth it. I DID sing despite the fact that I only had to lip synch. I sang every lines of the song into the mic.

I guess this means I’m back in the industry once again. The music/showbiz industry.

Listening to: Avril Lavigne - Keep holding on

Bromance

KP and I had never had a serious conversation for so long. KP is the son of a famous rock artist in Myanmar. I first got to know him when I toured Singapore during my third album. I was touring with his dad and other singers and he came along as a family member. We clicked because of the fact that we both love Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day. Then, he started hanging out with me when we both got back in Myanmar. Since then, we both were pretty good friends, playing guitar and writing songs.

A year later, KP worked on his first album with his band, Big Bag, and I remember how excited he was. We had some times when we toured together. I also worked on an album with KP, which did not get released because of the lack of producers. Then, I flew off to Australia to study.

I lost touch with KP intentionally because I was scared he was gonna judge my homosexuality. I came back five years later and KP’s band has become Myanmar’s number one punk band and he’s got a wife and a kid. We got on well again but I found it a bit hard to think of things to say. He was usually on weed and I was usually on topic of gay related incidents.

He’s been working for this radio station, Cherry FM, and he came over my place to talk about having me DJ my own show, which will be 20 minutes per week and I’d be paid 100 bucks per month, which was pretty cool. The best thing was the fact that I’ll get to talk in English. Then, he talked about directing my music video and how he would help me out with the planning, the camera crew and other stuffs.

Then, we went to a café, smoked like chimneys and talked about life. I opened up to him. I told him that I was in a lot of stress paying off my mom’s debt. We both talked about how our parents would leave things for us to solve and this cannot be ignored because they are our parents. His case was worse since he also has his family to take care of. It’s funny how we all want to run away from people we can’t stop saving, thus always end up coming back for them.

I was also glad to find out he find it quite amusing to have me listen to his songs. It was funny cos out of his nine good songs, two of them made me have goosebumps. It was just so good and I was so proud of him. He was working for his ‘ten years’ celebratory album. He also mentioned how I was the only one who would notice and appreciate several styles that he had used and implemented in his songs; we both still have the same taste.

After talking with BooMan for a couple of hours online, I spent dinner with Loggie and SuitMan, which was yet another good time. I love these two guys; we like to see ourselves as a triplet. Since I’ll be directing a music video of my song where Loggie and SuitMan will star with two other model chicks, Loggie and I talked about the script and who to use. We were later joined by a group of gay men, one of them, who I believe, likes Loggie and SuitMan. SuitMan was pretty convinced that he likes Loggie too but Loggie kept telling me he actually likes me. Yeah, dream on sister.. I got a man and if I were to be single and hit on a guy, it would definitely not be him.

A day of bromance.. my Saturday feels awesome.

Listening to: Toni Braxton - There's no me without you (feat. Babyface)

Monogamous much

I just heard the funniest ‘true’ story from Geisha. Ok, so we do have a new character. I met Geisha at DJ Bar the first time I went there with Loggie and SuitMan. One of the cutest slash hottest gay boys I’ve met but obviously a big bottom queen but I got to know him as a funny character, despite having a huge potential to be such a bitchy queen. He’s got hairy arms, fair skin, a Chinese name and he speaks Chinese. Loggie assumed he was partially Indian but it cracks us both up that he speaks Chinese way better than a normal Chinese and how he’s got a Chinese name.

Geisha was also telling me about how he could easily get away with guys, which didn’t surprise me since he is a hot cutie; it’s not everyday you can use those two words together. However, his story was way better and quite blog worthy. So, he went to this Chinese fortune teller and apparently the fortune teller told him that in his past life he has been a very famous prostitute, used by a lot of men and in this life, all these men must serve to him and pay him back what they’ve taken from her in the past life. Blogworthy eh? Now back to his ‘other’ story.

Geisha recently had a break up with his boyfriend. Why? Cos he was being a demanding immature spoilt brat. Now, his boyfriend takes care of him and he’s just one of those monogamous men who stays true to him and just loves him fully. Geisha.. this boy doesn’t cheat but he got on this boy’s nerves and their relationship ended.

Now, let me tell you something about the gay scene in Myanmar. It’s not like I know a lot of it but I could guess after three times clubbing in gay friendly areas. Sydney was full of people who gets easy lays and most of the gay men in Sydney tend to forget the value of a relationship. Now, most Asians believe in settling down and gay men here are still ‘growing’ and most of them treat ‘being gay’ as just being guys who can have relationships with other men, whereas in Sydney, ‘being gay’ was seen as a huge opportunity to become promiscuous and fuck around. But, wait a minute. Myanmar’s getting there. I could so see orgies, sex saunas, open relationship and players in a year’s time here. It’s not the country. It’s just the evolution of men without the presence of females, who are born maternal. Promiscuous to its fullest, Myanmar gay community will be just another one big laugh, like Sydney’s.

I was telling Geisha how he should stick to the man he’s got and how I’ve taken five years to find BooMan, a rare find in Sydney. It’s plain to see why I’ve stayed true to someone who I’ve got to know while staying one whole year being dry without any sexual contact. God knows how I could just easily find an easy lay here but God knows that I am at this point where I know I’ve found the one. Someone once asked me how I would know if BooMan was cheating on me or not. The fact is I don’t but I trust him and I choose to forgive him even if he should lose his braincells over another piece of fine ass.

Now, here is another reason why. My grandparents, who are in their eighties, published a book they wrote together. Short stories based on their lives, the happy couple was proud about this book and the press has totally praised this book. My granddad’s alias for writing is the inverted name of my grandma’s and it was cute to see them all happy. At the moment where I sneaked out of my office to attend their press conference for the opening ceremony of the book, I just sat there, pleased and hoping BooMan and I would someday reach that point in life where everything we have are memories and hopes of dying together.

Coming from this genepool of those who has stayed true to their lovers (Mom and Dad were pretty tight too and it’s cute she still keeps the blanket my dad slept on before he slept away), I find it really hard to let myself go and fuck around. Twenty nine years of my life, I’ve wanted a proper tight relationship. Five years of my life, I’ve slept around, got used, had mornings where I would wake up next to someone I didn’t know and was just happy I found a used condom next to me and pretty much had blood tests at least once a year. I am not gonna give this up easy.

Monogamy reminds me of meditation. It took me seven days to master meditation to a certain level. It was torture and I hated having to sit down to meditate but on the seventh day, I was able to cure pins and needles on my feet without having to move the feet around and by just staying in the meditation position. It’s a rare find but boy, doesn’t it feel good once you’ve found it!

Listening to: Black Eyed Peas - I'mma be

Sex and self esteem

I have a weakness. Yes, so does everyone but mine’s a bit weird it’s actually embarrassing. Somehow, I just think it’s about time I share it with the world. I mean, it’s only fair people accept me for the weirdo I really am.

When people have a breakdown and if they’re feeling lost or their self esteem is pretty much fucked, they intend to get depressed or sad; they would just feel useless. I know it’s been three days since the Sunday incident but I’m only human to keep on being reminded on how weak I think I am. I know it’s not a big deal but I do feel a bit weird about myself. I feel ashamed, still after three days. And when I get like this, normally I would go for “sexy time”.

Laugh all you want but sex is one element that boosts my ego. I feel wanted. I feel relieved and most of all, I feel like I could start anew. I have never looked into how sex is a great substitute for self esteem but somehow it seems like it’s my theory for the time being.

Being married with a boyfriend oversea and feeling fucked as ever, I had a huge ‘horny’ bug in me the whole day. Talking to BooMan was full of starred phrases; how gtalk has bold phrases by putting an asterisk in front of a sentence, which symbolizes action. (*writes blog) I was just going crazy at him and when he wasn’t around, I was tempted to look for action. So, what did I do?

I talked about it to my colleague. SariMama’s hubby was there and he was the ONLY guy in the office. So, I had a conversation with SariMamaHubby.

“How do you feel about cheating?”
“Bad”
“Is it weird that I want to have sex right now just to have my self esteem back?”
“It’s something that I’ve never thought about”

Yep. I am weird. But somehow talking to him kinda made me feel assured that cheating is not the type of thing I would wanna do again. Been there done that. It wasn’t the sex to be honest but I just wanted that companionship and the cuddles and given BooMan wasn’t around, it was just irresistibly hard.

Then, I talked to Dutchess about it and he said he’s done the same and he said “If you love someone you would not want to cheat on him and I know you are not the type of person who would cheat on his boyfriend if you love him”. Urgh!!!! That just guilt tripped me.

Then, I talked to Jerusalem, who happened to be online. Now, Jerusalem and I have a weird relationship. Despite having met for one night, I have begun to love her lots and it felt like I could totally trust her and bounce things on and off. What started from her guessing my perfume right at a bar has ended up with a confidable friendship between the two of us. So after talking to her, I just concluded that I’m gonna have to cheat on BooMan… with my hand. It’s Kylie for right hand and Danni for left, a bit weaker yet very catchy as Kylie.

So, rest assured, I couldn’t cheat anymore. Maybe it’s BooMan. Maybe it’s my dignity built upon something I’ve done wrong in the past. Maybe it’s both. But, I guess it’s gonna be a slow climb until I get my self esteem back again. But then again, I guess my self esteem would not really recover had I known I’ve cheated on someone I have decided to spend my whole life with.

Listening to: Christina Aguilera - The voice within

Fat blog

Kirstie Alley has done it. Oprah has done it, failed it and done it again. Beyonce has done it. Pregnant Hollywood chicks have done it. The latest victim is Kelly Osbourne, who is looking better than ever. The ‘done it’ this part is getting thinner and fitter. I do admit that they are somehow lucky they have money for their own personal trainers and they have a planner or a manager who would do all the work, while they run home and die on their bed after a hardcore workout. Well, if Kirstie Alley can do it, here’s my version of “I Hate My Body”.

Being on top during sex is so ideal, especially when the man is on his back lying there under you and you are in control of the speed and the depth of penetration. You rule the plot and the world is your oyster while you lead your partner into your zone of pleasure. It’s even better when he starts to arch back or moans or just gets up to kiss you hard; even better when he asks you to stop for fear of ejaculating before you do. The scene’s pleasant and things are fine until you notice there’s a mirror in front of you and you see this person that you’ve become riding your sex partner and your love handles flopping like your great grandmom saggy tits. Now, the whole ‘world is your oyster and ruling the plot’ disappears and your boner turns into a shriveled 1 dollar sausage dough wrapper, the mini hot dog you could get in bakeries that somehow looks like a small uncut penis with the sausage head poking out. Yes, that was the day I promised myself I would get thinner in Australia.

God, sex with a belly is worse than catching crabs from a 50 year old chubby man. At least, you could kill those crabs in Bondi beach with saltwater and apply stingy solution on it, hoping you would never ever have sex desperately after being drunk in a bar thinking a 50 year old is a mid aged classy man. (Be warned… suits do NOT justify how hot a man is.. most men look good in suits).

So, after some work out, I’ve somehow felt like a man I never thought I could be. I was born 4 lbs (2kg) and everyone kept thinking I was gonna die. My mom even had a letter from my uncle who said ‘don’t worry.. you can have another one’. Nah ah girlfriend… this baby fights strong and I managed to get outta my mom’s tired womb, feeble and attention seeking. I was exposed to carbonated drinks in Thailand and after having them for breakfast, lunch and dinner with only a bit of food here and there, I adapted to something that resembles gastric. Needlephobic as I was, I made a deal with the doctor to drink milk three times a day, which otherwise I would get an injection from her. So, what do you get after seven years of three milk glasses per day? A fat high schooler.

Being a big fan of music and art, I have never aced in PE classes. I’ve tripped, fell, not dodged an easy ball and managed to miss a ball which hit my head during a volleyball game. The cool thing was I was never the last to be picked by team captains. The last were always girls and this friend of mine, who was a bit of a cripple. So, hey, it ain’t half bad.

Today, I ate five goddamn pieces of fried chicken. After one whole month of tuna diet and skipping on the spot every week nights and dance rehearsals during weekend. It was heaven. It was the best thing since my first masturbation at age 11. (Yes, people I’m a late bloomer). But the aftermath was intolerable.

In order to motivate me to do more workouts or eat lesser, I have been wearing tight shirts, which used to fit me perfectly when I first got back from Sydney, which was like a year ago. I do look like those sausage wrappers with a bit of a muffin top happening but somehow, I was glad I could fit into them. Given I had eaten five pieces of devil’s creation today, I felt like an early Santa in September.
So, to those of you who are sitting there feeling fat, I can empathize with you on how terrible you must be feeling. However, if your next move is to grab some Oreos dipped in milk, followed by a Burger King Whopper meal as a mini snack before dinner, I have NO SYMPATHY for you. Get your fat ass up and just fucking lose yourself. Look in the mirror and see how ugly you look and how flexible you could be during sex if only you were thinner.

With that attitude, I managed to run for one hour today. Of course, with an aftermath of wheezes and pants, with sounds only my great grandfather would make. Amen!

Take that, Kirstie Alley!!!

Listening to: Amy Winehouse - Rehab

Korea reigns Myanmar

It’s that time of the month where I sit back and think of things, instead of having feelings about myself and those around me and plus, I’ve given a full blown of my energy opinionating about others and myself, be they good or bad. So, I was talking with a friend of mine not long ago. It was about how people will try to be friends with the partner of their ‘opposite gender’ed friend.

So, you got Archie and Veronica in love. Did Cheryl Blossom try to be friends with Veronica? NO!!! Did Betty try hard to get Veronica’s attention? NO!!!

It seems so normal for a lot of girls in Myanmar to always want to be friends with the new girlfriend of their exes. Why? Well, the following example need not always be the prototype but this was what happened once.

Girl A was dumped by Boy B. Boy B found a new girl C. Girl A tried her ass off to gain Girl C’s trust and they became best friends. One day, Girl C cheated on Boy B and confided in Girl A, given Girl A is her newfound best friend. Then, Girl A promised he won’t tell Boy B. And one day, Girl A made stories up to Boy B saying “Oh your girl likes you even though she might be seeing other boys, she still likes you”. So, call it euphemism or indirect mockery, Boy B broke up with Girl C and Girl A gets the satisfaction of breaking them up.

I think that’s just dumb. Once you’re out of someone’s life, you are OUT. And you don’t expect to be best friends with the new partner of your ex.

On another note, I’ve blogged earlier about this but most guys won’t let go of girls. After a break up, boys just want to know what their ex is up to and I find that quite sickening as well.

And I don’t mean to be biased but 75% of Korean drama has the following scenarios and Myanmar is so obsessed with Korean drama. Ironic much?

Listening to: Professor Green - Just be good to green (feat. Lily Allen)

Shattered plan

I might sound a bit biased and immature if I said I found out who my real friends are today. And that is something I would say if I were still 22. However, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way.

My video shoot was an epic fail today, given only nine people showed up. The lighting was horrible and two people started leaving early. It reached the point til I felt like I didn’t want to make music videos anymore. How did I get to that?

It all started when SM came to me and told me how my planning wasn’t good. How I have invited people from 10am to 3pm and how I could’ve given free drinks or food. My first reaction was surprised. I was a bit offended and then it was followed by an insecurity I was worried that she was pissed off. Then, she said it wasn’t because she was pissed off. Then, I thought about what she said. She did have a point. I totally agreed with what she said.

The second thing that really fucked me up was when the lightings failed. How the club scene could not be captured. Instead, lots of takes were done between BigSis and ConfusedHotty. I felt bad for both of them actually for having to do lots of takes.

The third thing was when WhipperHubby and Kire had to leave. I felt so bad cos all they ever did was stand at the back and just talked with their backs to the camera. Then, that was followed by the realization that SM might not be here for the dance. Then, I just quit the scene and asked everyone to leave.

I felt ashamed and I just felt like a kid in the middle of an assembly hall during show and tell, who was asked to talk about a beanie that his grandmom had knitted. I just felt this huge failure lurked inside of me. Normally, I wouldn’t feel this ashamed and I’m quick to overcome shame. This time, it was just unavoidable.

So, the solution? I came home and slept.

When I woke up, I saw DoubleA’s missed calls and I talked to them about it. They did have some issues where they got involved in a fight scene at a club. They weren’t in the fight but they were part of the group who was throwing punches in front of a club. The whole sleeping at 5am in the morning totally fucked up their wake up time and they failed to come to my shoot. My initial reaction was if they were ok. I just know them well enough that they would come if they could. So, I felt no anger/betrayal towards them. They came over around 9pm to my place with a Japanese take away and we talked until midnight. I have to say I do feel motivated that they were thinking of helping me out this time. As DoubleA mentioned, “I don’t want your dreams to be shattered”. Ah well, all I could say is I don’t know what would become of my video shoot.

On another note, I was very impressed with Jsquare. She was the one who got me involved with the dance studios. She was trying to call all her friends to come join the shoot during the time when I needed people for my shoot.

I am not angry as of now and I could totally understand how some prioritize their lives as opposed to a shoot. It was a bad planning and I guess Brandy was right. She said “Never involve your friends in your business unless they are into it”. I do thank those people I met today.

Listening to: David Archuleta - Something bout love

A night to remember

The last thing anyone in a taxi would wanna hear when driving through an empty street without street lights and no other cars, except for a few passers every two minutes, is how the street is haunted with female hitchhikers who would run into cars, which would make the driver of that car swerve until it lures itself to a pitch and crash. Yes, it was a few kilometers away from my house and the taxi cab driver just had to come up with that story. I was freaked out and I couldn’t talk much until I see my house and I think I’m gonna end up sleeping with the lights on tonight.

The only reason why I went to 50 street tonight was to meet up with Steve and his wife. I, being a bit earlier than them, met up with ConusedHotty (yes, dude, if you’re reading this, I kinda took your really coolness in being a friend of a gay man for granted and called you this though I know how perfectly straight you are and that I could not really hit on any man anyways but can’t help finding you hot haha). ConusedHotty and I always end up having good chats. I kinda felt comfortable confiding in him about how nervous I was about the music video this Sunday morning.

I guess it’s only normal to be nervous when you’ve invited a whole lot of friends into a bar at 10am in the morning. I don’t underestimate my friends at all and I treat them with respect. It has its ups most of the time but the downs is when I kinda could feel intimidated for the possibility of lack of professionalism they might see in me, due to me being self conscious. That was another reason I could relate myself with PukeBag. She was thinking of not doing the dance anymore since she was being a bit self conscious. My reaction? Empathy. I know how she would’ve felt, given I’ve been there and also given, I do feel a bit nervous for the shoot myself. I KNOW it’s gonna be awesome but questions were there. Will they like it? Will I do a good job? Will they listen to me?

Being in a table with ConusedHotty, BigSis, CuteDork, PukeBag and her other friends was just awesome. That was what I needed. Therapeutic as a blessing in disguise, I have been starving for good friends. I guess BigSis coming back to Myanmar had enlightened me up a lot and being in one cool group was just tres awesome. By cool, I did not mean we’re hot and all that. We were just being funny and drama free. Yes, it’s like a fresh air of awesomeness to breathe a lack of drama in 50 street tonight.

On another good note, although I have been telling myself how my case with Maltesers did not have anything to do with me being wrong, I do admit I learnt something from it. Being honest and confrontational. I had wanted Maltesers to come to terms with her weakness (even though I have never initiated to bring it up but thanks to her housemate, SM, who told her what I thought of her). Despite the fact that you cannot tell a princess to stop being snobby, a bragger to stop bragging or a spotlight stealer to share spotlights, I did have some moments where I wanted Maltesers to just question herself instead of saying I’m wrong and she’s right. One can always blame on one’s personality but it’s not always wise to not take in what others think.

So, Maltesers did tell SM how I sucked at confronting and how she had wished I told her upfront about this, which I kinda semi-disagreed. But regardless, I was glad to have been really open with Shaggy. Shaggy and I met one night when we were both drunk. Back then, this dude lacks hair and he was a clean cut nice guy. Then, later, he went all bitter and sarcastic at my gayness and started being a bit abusive about me being gay around my friends. I didn’t have to do anything since my friends gave him the evil. Somehow, I never wanted to have to come to terms with him. Three hours ago and before several glasses of booze in his system, he opened up about a certain issue, which is not worth blogging since I respect his privacy. I told him the truth. I told him how I knew he was an awesome guy but somehow in the middle, I thought he didn’t want me around and I backed away, also thinking he’s an asshole. Yes, I told him straight. And I also told him how he ACTUALLY has a huge potential to be a champ. I guess it was nice that I told him. Cos he apologized, which wasn’t actually needed. I mean, life is short and people has opinions. It’s not entirely his fault that he could be abusive and pessimistic at times. Somehow, I just knew he DOES have an adequate boost of goodness in him.

It’s a good night! And I owe it all to Steve’s invitation. Funny how I didn’t end up hanging with him. I guess we both do have different groups of friends. He’ll always be my brother though. Love ya, dude!

Listening to: Uncle Kracker - Smile

Back in the industry

If there’s something that is lacking in Myanmar is the respect for time. I was in the office today when suddenly my phone rang and it was from Ko Nay Oo, the dude who will be in charge of distributing my upcoming album and the dude who got me involved in a collaboration album. So his message was simple. “1pm today, press conference”. I just stood there dumbfounded at how I was treated. I don’t mean to be a diva but I’m sure any person who’s employed or works under constriction of time would find this ultimately absurd. How can you tell someone who’s working in an office to come to a press conference at 1pm for the release of a compilation album you are involved in.

So, I had a bit of a ‘this or that’ moment. The deal is I don’t wanna come across as this dude who goes out from work to other places. I mean, I just feel bad that I’ll be skipping some office hours and this was from 1 to 3 pm. However, the other end of my brain reconnects with the fact that if I do not go to this press conference, my entry to the music industry would be just gone.

I guess this goes for any celebrities who aren’t big yet. We just have to go with the flow and take any opportunities possible. So, I told my supervisor from work that I will be off for two hours for the day and I went back, changed and went to the press conference.

It felt weird though good to be back in such environment. I was greeted warmly by the media and I was treated as one of the professional singers, as opposed to the newbs; I just find it quite weird since I thought I would be sitting with the newbs given I haven’t been in the industry for five years now. So, I had to sit on the podium with two other popular singers, Pho Kar and He Lay and the producer, with microphones in front of us and with the media clicking on their cameras whenever we talked. I was asked by the head of event to give a speech?

Speech? Let alone speech, I didn’t even know that the album was actually released today. So, I talked to He Lay and asked him what he was gonna say. I was kinda glad that I was the second last to talk to the media, which means I could grasp the style of the other three talkers to come up with my own. When He Lay talked, I was kinda amazed at how irrelevance was majorly spotlighted. I mean, he talked about his song in the album. “My song is about a girl…”. Wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to be representing the album as opposed to your song. He spent more time talking about his song than the actual album. The other dude, Pho Kar, was ok but god he was abrupt. When it was my turn, I talked about how I was glad to be in this compilation album and how this album was a comeback for me as well as my first time I’m on a compilation album. I also told them how I was glad to have a chance to do an acoustic track, as opposed to the digitalized tracks that I would normally be working on, given my genre’s pop and given I like being forward when it comes to the style of my music. I guess impromptu does have its ‘up’s after all. Given you did not prepare for it, any level of ‘good response’ seems admirably awesome.

I was also surprised at how I was interviewed by four magazines right after the podium. I tried not to talk that much to them but somehow they kept asking me things and the interview itself went on for at least 8 minutes for each magazine. Yes, I didn’t get a chance to grab my own CD. I kinda like most of the questions they asked and I’m glad I got to give them a proper answer.

I normally get asked this question a lot of times “What is the difference between the music scene in Australia and Myanmar? What did you learn from the scene there?”. Normally, I would just shrug it off by saying I was studying in Australia but this time, I did voice out what I thought about it; how most Australians I ended up with have their own value in the music industry and how mainstream was not really encouraged upon the society and how genres have their own type of audiences, whereas in Myanmar, people just scattered to one mainstream style and go for that.

I kinda like when one dude asked me if the whole album name “Biography” has anything to do with my songs. I did mention that all of the songs are about me. He then joked if people could tell what type of a person I am by listening to my song, to which I said ‘yes’ and that there were hidden messages in all of them. He then asked what my only two English songs were about. I told him how one was about my late dad, to who I owe a song to. He asked me why I didn’t write that in Burmese, to which I answered was because I think in order to come up with a good song with heartfelt lyrics about my dad, I would have to read more Burmese books. He then asked what the other song was about, to which I answered it was for my loved one (partner). He then asked why I wrote it in English, to which I answered it was because I did not want to waste time having to translate every words.

It all went well and I felt welcomed to be back in the game again. On another note, BigSis was back and it felt awesome and great to have a sane person back into my life, not to mention the big fat smile on CuteDork’s face.

Listening to: Jay Brennan - Soda shop

Worst for best intentions

To those of you who are a big fan of Kate Hudson, you might’ve seen the movie ‘the skeleton key’, which kinda stands out only cos ‘horror’ was never her genre. She’s more of a romcom actor. After watching that movie, it made me question why the worst happens to the best of us sometimes. A nurse who’s willing to do anything to save lives and before you know it, the whole horror shit strikes her and shit happened in the end.

So, I’ve thought of helping out pay my mom’s debt. Yes, there are a lot of things mom did that I was never proud of but given I could’ve done a lot of things she might not have been proud of, it’s only fair that I’m there for her. So, I came up with plan A, which kinda backfired and partially it’s caused me to not see my boyfriend for six days. Plan B was kinda tough but I had it going on.

Currencies in Myanmar are a bit complicating. You got the OTHER currencies like euros and dollars. Then, you have kyats, which is the official Myanmar currency. And out of nowhere, you have FEC, so called the Burmese equivalent of one US dollar, which is a bit of a lie. So, basically 1 USD gives 900 – 1000 kyats. Ok, so you might probably think that’s the same thing as FEC. WRONG! It’s always slightly 50-100 kyats lower. So, if 1 USD gives 950 kyats, 1 FEC would give 900 kyats.

Now, I get paid in FECs sadly. It’s not by choice but what can I say? I swear there are shit loada things I’m kinda sacrificing for just cos I’m working for the UN. I’m not really happy with my salary or their paying system or the whole ‘O we pay you in USD’ in the contract but not in reality, where it’s always FECs. I can’t complain. I do like my boss and the fact that he’s given me a place here is good enough for now. And, it’s not a long contract anyways.

Go go gadget calculator…. So, basically I have things planned out for 1 FEC equivalent to around 900 kyats. And I would chip in from my actual savings to make things better. But guess what. These days, 1 FEC is actually 700 kyats. So, if I were to sacrifice 10,000 kyats in the beginning, I’ll have to sacrifice something like 30,000 kyats now.

So, this is where I question ‘fate’ or ‘karma’. What’s wrong with wanting to help my mom? Why are things being so hard to save her from debts? Now, I’m a bit in a daze on how to deal with the dude who would be around the corner asking me for the mu lah! Oh why oh why??? Why can’t shit like this happen to those who are wasting their mu lahs on paedo porn? I mean, those guys should rot in hell and leave kids alone, eh?

Why do I have to suffer when I’m actually trying to do something good? Why would Kate Hudson face a bad ending when her only intention was to save people? You tell me!

Listening to: Artic Monkeys - Teddy picker

Bitch week

If there was a theme for this week, it would be ‘bitch week’. Sunday was pretty much spent from the aftermath of that immature email that was sent around by some lame ass chick, who hacked into the inbox of one chick (A) from the expats group. It was an email that A wrote to this man, who’s also one of the very active people in the expats crowd and who’s also married and whose wife was a friend of A. It was an issue between those three and the lame ass Miss Retard from out of nowhere forwarded that email to almost most of the expats she could’ve thought of. Seriously, I don’t even know this chick who was sending these stuffs and I got this email; the stretch must be pretty cruel. So, now, it’s all awkward with these three people and I have even NOT invited them for my video shoot, which is on this coming Sunday.

It’s Burma, first of all and given some NGO’s have been coming to a halt, the amount of expats in Burma has totally declined to a certain amount, which made it even worse for something like this to spread around.

Today, one friend of mine has her facebook status with a NAME on it of someone she wasn’t happy with. It looks like a pre-catfight status; you know.. when cats would grrr or lick their paws before they dive into a vicious catfight. Me, knowing them both and loving them both, had to be all neutral about it but I could so see something coming outta this.

On another drama-rich note, Maltesers is totally giving me a cold shoulder after she opened up to SM about how she felt like I have been ignoring her. SM, naturally, told her some things I’ve told SM about Maltesers. I don’t blame SM, only because I shouldn’t have told her in the first place. It’s not about trust. It’s just about some girls and their curiosities. I wasn’t really scared of Maltesers hearing these back since like I’ve mentioned in the earlier blog, I have NOT gossiped about her on her account and I’ve been only highly opinionated about someone. SM did tell me Maltesers ended up defending herself like she had done nothing wrong and getting all upset at how I have not been confrontational about all of this. Typical. I mean, that was the first ever reason I never opened up to her. I mean, how can you change someone? It’s just her personality I’ve learnt and not like. It’s not like she did anything to me. You can’t just go to someone and say “you being you is pissing me off”. I’ve done a fair deal of avoiding contacts with her but she’s been doing the whole ‘are you ok’ routine at me. And to make things worse, I semi work for her. So, I’m just hoping Maltesers is a bit mature, at least at her workspace, or else I’d have to look for a new job soon.

Listening to: Newton Faulkner - Dream catch me 6

Big office rant

I’ve finally stopped counting since BooMan’s back in his house. After six days without him, it felt pretty good to see him well and active again and a lucky bastard he is, I’ve forgotten all about the drama I was gonna scenariotize before he was gone.

On another note, work was tres wtf today. So, I work in UN and I’ve been getting shit load of compliments from a lot of people and some ass kissing from the relatives, who want me to take care of their descendants’ CV’s and ink them onto UN. It’s not like I do not love my aunty but it’s so hard to play the dude who wants to make his employer employ his cousin, when he, himself, knows that his cousin is not really qualified. I mean, my cousin is awesome and I highly doubt that he won’t be able to progress in UN but somehow, I don’t know how to write his CV beautifully without any visible UN-related qualifications on it. Well, work today was just totally un-UN. Why do I say that? Well, cos there was this huge lack of internet connection from 9am until 1pm and a slow speed from 1pm until 5pm and the whole thing just disconnected by itself afterwards.

Now, I work as a web developer and what was I to do when the theme party for those peons, who were in charge of Burmese internet connection, was “Bedrock”. I mean, Fred Flintstone would have scripted 7000 documents on stones while I would be uploading three paragraphs of words onto a google group. Not cool. And the thought of how UN internet connections are not blocked does not really help. Cos, it feels like having Jake Gyllenhaal in front of me all nude except for a hard rock iron locked underwear without a key. It’s like overseeing a huge cotton candy machine from a distance, only to find out that it was a huge ass 3D sticker. It was just misleading. Forget youtube and gmail without the ‘https’, I’d be half smiling here instead of a ‘three sighs per minute’ routine while sitting waiting for the goddamn thing to JUST CONNECT!!!

To make things worse, SitarBro had a meeting. Back in the PR days, ToyBoss held meetings and she would chase us out if it did not concern us. She’d be like “is there anything you want to discuss? No? You can go.” Being a big newb at work (it hasn’t even been one month yet), I only had two things I am in charge of as of now. One relies on internet and one is still pending. And there were 11 items in the agenda of the meeting. So, there I was, trying to come up with almost ANYTHING to keep myself awake in the meeting. Anything, I tell ya, even if it was a nude image of Amy Winehouse in my head just to wake me up. Oh, the meeting went from 3 to 5:30pm. I know, right! Agony has his days!!

Listening to: Lily Allen - I could say

Gossiping: opinions and rumors

Let me educate all of you, readers, for the umpteenth time with my concept about gossiping. Such art, gossiping, is widely implemented, out of spite, out of boredom or even out of good will. It’s one of the very things we do uncontrollably and the only thing that lacks a rehab in life. As much as we hate to be the gossipee, we all want to have a piece of dirt in being the gossiper. My views about gossiping? It’s healthy; it makes the world go round.

Now, when people start to gossip, there is a hidden intention somewhere. Is it to make me sound more interesting? Is it to make things better between others? Is it because I think that the others should know? Is it to win more of his/her friendship fuel? Is it to make him/her sad? Is it to make the victim of the gossip sad? And as natural as human beings do, we strive harder to hear the bad news about someone than the good news. Try this! Walk into a room and tell everyone about how you managed to play Beethoven on your violin, in parallel with the news about your boss screwing with his secretary. By the end of day, you would be lucky if 30% of those around you could even recall about you owning a violin. “Oh, you play violin? I never knew.. oh wait yeah that’s right. You did mention it this morning”. However, by the end of the day, you’ll have most of those around you continuing the thread of that one piece of bad news you mentioned about your boss. So, I am not surprised at how people would be interested to learn bad shit about me? In fact, it does boost people’s interest and this attention whore gets a win win!

If people ever ask if there is such a thing called ‘healthy gossiping’, there IS! Well, to me, there is. We’re only human beings to be NOT perfect. We’re only human to change the way we see/feel towards or about others. So, at times, we tend to gossip about the way we see or feel about a person. “I don’t like the way she talks” “I think she’s lame” “She’s getting on my nerves”. Sounds negative, doesn’t it? If anyone loves the idea of opinions or being heard, it would be great if they could put themselves in both shoes. The gossiper and the gossipee. Naturally, the gossipee will be quite pissed off. What would I do in this situation?

Well, being a victim, I would be quite self conscious. I would listen and then there would be a throbbing membrane at the back of my brain which would keep beating with the whole “Oh god, someone is thinking this way about you.” And this would be followed by “Is this my personality or just something I could become”. “Can I get rid of it and what would’ve made the gossiper talk about me”. Calmly, this could be solved. I’ve been a victim of a gossip for more than a couple of times. What do I do when I find out? I just don’t really talk much with the gossiper if I had made the decision that I do have this personality and it’s a waste of time to make him/her appreciate my presence.

So, I truly think that you shouldn’t waste ANY TIME on gossips about you, which you might not have agreed with.
1. It wastes time
2. It doesn’t justify anything between the gossiper and you.
3. You’ll become more insecure than ever.

I admit I gossip. But it’s all opinionated. I would NEVER EVER say things about anyone which would not implied that it’s true. I would sentence it carefully in way to remind the listener that it is my opinion towards the victim. If you ever are a victim of this, please make sure that you don’t waste your time with this since I’m not gonna stop and I am not gonna feel guilty about saying stuffs about you, in terms of my opinions. If you’re gonna be so stressed and bothered by it, it just shows how insecure about yourself you are. You can gossip all you want about me (if it’s your opinion). I don’t live for anyone and I make sure I make people happy everyday by being genuinely nice to them.

On the other hand, we have gossips where the speaker tells a story. Be it true or not, if it’s about others, and especially negative about others that does NOT concern you, you should just mind your own fucking business. Mature or decent people of sorts are NOT interested in what happens between others. Be it shaky relationship, something gone wrong or just pride-hurting failure of someone, we are simply NOT interested. What if that person was you? Would you have liked it if someone spread that news about you? And what made you qualified enough to say what you said about others?

“OH my god, I can’t believe her husband’s trying to cheat on the other chick without getting any approval from the other chick”

Well, one day, you will suffer if your husband ever gives you HIV from a whore he’s knocked up with a twin in a park nearby.

So, people, after reading this, I would like all of you to fucking grow up.
1. People have opinions and they never come in good tones ALL THE TIME about you. Being gossiped as a third person followed by an adjective is COMMON!
2. If any gossip does NOT have you in it, this requires you to shut the fuck up and mind your own business. You might wanna ONLY say it if you’re a person who’s never done what they’ve done or will do what they’ve done. I mean, come on, even Buddha had some flaws. I’m so not buying the fact that you lack flaws!!

This blog has been pretty much triggered by some immature people around me, who are so infused in trying to make themselves better by being so affected by gossiping. Be it gossipee or gossiper, do it with class! And yes fuck you very much!!!

Listening to: David Archuleta - Touch my hand