I have a weakness. Yes, so does everyone but mine’s a bit weird it’s actually embarrassing. Somehow, I just think it’s about time I share it with the world. I mean, it’s only fair people accept me for the weirdo I really am.
When people have a breakdown and if they’re feeling lost or their self esteem is pretty much fucked, they intend to get depressed or sad; they would just feel useless. I know it’s been three days since the Sunday incident but I’m only human to keep on being reminded on how weak I think I am. I know it’s not a big deal but I do feel a bit weird about myself. I feel ashamed, still after three days. And when I get like this, normally I would go for “sexy time”.
Laugh all you want but sex is one element that boosts my ego. I feel wanted. I feel relieved and most of all, I feel like I could start anew. I have never looked into how sex is a great substitute for self esteem but somehow it seems like it’s my theory for the time being.
Being married with a boyfriend oversea and feeling fucked as ever, I had a huge ‘horny’ bug in me the whole day. Talking to BooMan was full of starred phrases; how gtalk has bold phrases by putting an asterisk in front of a sentence, which symbolizes action. (*writes blog) I was just going crazy at him and when he wasn’t around, I was tempted to look for action. So, what did I do?
I talked about it to my colleague. SariMama’s hubby was there and he was the ONLY guy in the office. So, I had a conversation with SariMamaHubby.
“How do you feel about cheating?”
“Bad”
“Is it weird that I want to have sex right now just to have my self esteem back?”
“It’s something that I’ve never thought about”
Yep. I am weird. But somehow talking to him kinda made me feel assured that cheating is not the type of thing I would wanna do again. Been there done that. It wasn’t the sex to be honest but I just wanted that companionship and the cuddles and given BooMan wasn’t around, it was just irresistibly hard.
Then, I talked to Dutchess about it and he said he’s done the same and he said “If you love someone you would not want to cheat on him and I know you are not the type of person who would cheat on his boyfriend if you love him”. Urgh!!!! That just guilt tripped me.
Then, I talked to Jerusalem, who happened to be online. Now, Jerusalem and I have a weird relationship. Despite having met for one night, I have begun to love her lots and it felt like I could totally trust her and bounce things on and off. What started from her guessing my perfume right at a bar has ended up with a confidable friendship between the two of us. So after talking to her, I just concluded that I’m gonna have to cheat on BooMan… with my hand. It’s Kylie for right hand and Danni for left, a bit weaker yet very catchy as Kylie.
So, rest assured, I couldn’t cheat anymore. Maybe it’s BooMan. Maybe it’s my dignity built upon something I’ve done wrong in the past. Maybe it’s both. But, I guess it’s gonna be a slow climb until I get my self esteem back again. But then again, I guess my self esteem would not really recover had I known I’ve cheated on someone I have decided to spend my whole life with.
When people have a breakdown and if they’re feeling lost or their self esteem is pretty much fucked, they intend to get depressed or sad; they would just feel useless. I know it’s been three days since the Sunday incident but I’m only human to keep on being reminded on how weak I think I am. I know it’s not a big deal but I do feel a bit weird about myself. I feel ashamed, still after three days. And when I get like this, normally I would go for “sexy time”.
Laugh all you want but sex is one element that boosts my ego. I feel wanted. I feel relieved and most of all, I feel like I could start anew. I have never looked into how sex is a great substitute for self esteem but somehow it seems like it’s my theory for the time being.
Being married with a boyfriend oversea and feeling fucked as ever, I had a huge ‘horny’ bug in me the whole day. Talking to BooMan was full of starred phrases; how gtalk has bold phrases by putting an asterisk in front of a sentence, which symbolizes action. (*writes blog) I was just going crazy at him and when he wasn’t around, I was tempted to look for action. So, what did I do?
I talked about it to my colleague. SariMama’s hubby was there and he was the ONLY guy in the office. So, I had a conversation with SariMamaHubby.
“How do you feel about cheating?”
“Bad”
“Is it weird that I want to have sex right now just to have my self esteem back?”
“It’s something that I’ve never thought about”
Yep. I am weird. But somehow talking to him kinda made me feel assured that cheating is not the type of thing I would wanna do again. Been there done that. It wasn’t the sex to be honest but I just wanted that companionship and the cuddles and given BooMan wasn’t around, it was just irresistibly hard.
Then, I talked to Dutchess about it and he said he’s done the same and he said “If you love someone you would not want to cheat on him and I know you are not the type of person who would cheat on his boyfriend if you love him”. Urgh!!!! That just guilt tripped me.
Then, I talked to Jerusalem, who happened to be online. Now, Jerusalem and I have a weird relationship. Despite having met for one night, I have begun to love her lots and it felt like I could totally trust her and bounce things on and off. What started from her guessing my perfume right at a bar has ended up with a confidable friendship between the two of us. So after talking to her, I just concluded that I’m gonna have to cheat on BooMan… with my hand. It’s Kylie for right hand and Danni for left, a bit weaker yet very catchy as Kylie.
So, rest assured, I couldn’t cheat anymore. Maybe it’s BooMan. Maybe it’s my dignity built upon something I’ve done wrong in the past. Maybe it’s both. But, I guess it’s gonna be a slow climb until I get my self esteem back again. But then again, I guess my self esteem would not really recover had I known I’ve cheated on someone I have decided to spend my whole life with.
Listening to: Christina Aguilera - The voice within
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