2010

2010 was a year of a huge roller coaster ride and turning points. It’s also a year I get to learn a lot about things I never knew and I’ve misinterpret. I want to thank everyone who’s made a difference and who’s hit a few milestones in my life in 2010 and you guys know who you are. Now, I’m gonna list a few things I’ve learnt from this year. (pretty much inspired by CS , who’s one of the big milestones of 2010)

1. Trusting comes from within and not from expectations. It’s easy to say you trust someone but not really easy to live up to it. However, it’s easier if one gives trust to someone without any justifications needed.
2. Love is work. Like it or not, love is more of a compromise and work in process. If you KNOW you love someone, you gotta work for it and you gotta stop letting pride, greed, jealousy and myths get in the way. Perfect love does NOT exist.
3. Sex is just an activity. It’s ok to have sex without falling for that someone you have sex with.
4. Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends can be your friends, regardless of how much love there is left between the two of you, the past is the past.
5. Happiness is dependent on you, NOT on the location you are in.
6. Whenever you feel like your life’s on a halt, appreciating what’s around you will make you understand how fortunate you are to be where you are in life.
7. Good friends are those who can pick up where you left off last time you were with them after a long absence.
8. Good friends can start from drinks in a bar after sharing tattoo footages. (*nudges CS *)
9. Being gay is normal. And trying to prove something’s normal is NOT normal.
10. Drugs are not addictive. Being sad depending on drugs as an outlet IS addictive.
11. Sadness is temporary. Happiness is permanent.
12. Sadness, when invited, should be embraced.. not frowned upon.
13. Hoping is motivational, not a waste of time.
14. Never hate those people who are honest to say they are bad. Cos they’re way better than those assholes who like to play God.
15. When the ones you love are sad, cry with them and don’t cry for them.

Listening to: The Veronicas – When it all falls apart

A letter to dad

Dear dad,

My album’s finally done and I gave my grandparents the master copy. My grandma came up to my room and she hugged me and cried. She said the song I wrote for you was so good and she cried and thanked me for not forgetting you. Then, she asked me if I hate you.

Now, let me get this clear for once and for all. I love you, dad. That’s the reason I have been bitter about you leaving me early. I have never seen myself to grow up without a dad and you, being someone who should have been my mentor and someone to guide me the ways of life, have always been an important figure I didn’t wanna lose. I guess you did put a lot of lives down after you left us. I had to make sure I keep those around me happy. I couldn’t cry in your funeral and I’ve stuck to that attitude that I forgot how it feels like to actually feel sadness. I hated you so much only because I love you and I didn’t want you to leave us.

I have stopped going to your grave until last two weeks ago when Mom and Sis came back from Thailand. When I saw them, it made me think of you and the fact that they’re peaceful with my grandparents, I so wish you were here to see it. I remember how you used to hate how your wife doesn’t really get along with your parents. You should see them now. They’re friendlier than ever.

Dad, despite the fact that you cannot be there for me now, there are a lot of things you’ve taught me and things I would not have believed in unless you were around. I am grateful for these. Because of you, I believe in love. I’m with a good man now. I know how weird it is whenever I think of how you’ll react to me being with another person of the same gender as me but I know despite a slow process, you’ll love Craig. We’re trying to last as much as we can and I’m trying to work out everything I could to stay true to him and to last as much as I can with him. Because of you, I love kids and want to be a young dad. I guess I want to be just like you, a good dad.

I know you’ve left me way before you actually should and I forgive you. I’m also sorry I hated you for a while. I know it’s weird wishing you a happy new year but I would like to have your guidance as I’ve always craved (wherever you are) this year as well.

I love you dad.. I mean it!

H.

Worst business strategy ever

I would like to take this opportunity to celebrate the end of me taking four pills a time. It’s not a big deal but god it feels good to not have four elongated objects in my mouth to swallow. So, yes, yay!!

Remember that malaria affected-in-the-brain Indian cleaner lady in UN I was talking about last time? Well, I’ve reached the point where I’m getting a bit annoyed by her. Yesterday, MissMalaria came into our office room with a plate with pamelo on it. She asked us to eat it and then she said she would just leave it in our office room. Ok, I have to admit I could LOVE a person regardless of how unhygienic he/she is BUT I can be a bit of a hygiene queen. I think everyone is. Like, I would run on mud and eat food with someone’s spoon or slurp with someone’s straw but when it comes to diseases, things can get a bit gross. So, my colleague told me yesterday about how MissMalaria would peel a fruit. First, she would slice it and then with what’s left on the knife, she would lick her fingers which would be holding the knife. Then, she would also lick the other fingers she’d be holding the fruit with. Last time, I drank the lime juice she made for me with lots of courage but there was NO WAY this pamelo was gonna be in my mouth.

Today, she came in with Fried Noodle. The deal is no one orders anything but she would enter offices with things she’s done and people would buy it off her cos they feel bad. I mean, I do care about people’s poverty and I’ve done what I could. I gave her 3000 kyats for her medical charges once when she asked me but buying something I don’t want from her just because she would be selling it with the whole “but I’ve made it and it’s either you buy it or I lose” face does not really pluck my sympathy veins. So, I’m not sure who’s gonna be paying for the pamelo she’s left in the room and we all said no to her fried noodle. It’s just too much. It’s the whole habitual trait. Once you’ve done something, people keep wanting more.

The other thing that upset me today was how I couldn’t static probe my colleague. In high school, my classmate would take off his shoes, rub his socks with the carpet of our music class room and poke me with his finger and the next thing you know, I get zapped and laughed at. Today, I took off my shoes, rubbed it with the carpet on the office floor and probed my colleague and it didn’t work. Epic fail to the max!

Listening to: Paramore - Crushcrushcrush

Hot people get hurt too!

It feels so good to cry knowing there’s no one who’s good enough to make me feel better but myself. I cried til I ran out of tears. I cried until I was out of breath and gasping for air.

It started with a trip to my bathroom. It’s crazy but it’s been one whole week since I last used that bathroom since my mom and sis were the only ones using it when they were here. I guess they were afraid of excess baggage when they left or maybe toiletries were not that important but on the basin level, I saw Nivea whitening cream, a Pantene shampoo bottle and a Shokobutso body foam. The next thing I knew was tears streaming down my face. I went back into my room and saw the two pillows both Mom and Sis slept on. I hugged them tight and cried out loud. I miss them. I always try to be this brave figure to them all the time and after they left, I have been pretty much struggling not to let anything make me sad. I guess sometimes the best way to get over a sadness is to invite it in and embrace it. I guess I’ve let sadness in tonight and kinda made it dwell in my system. It felt better when my body got immune to this sadness and kinda made it normal. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to miss your mom and sister.

On another irrelevant note, I have to complain about something that I have been shrugging off. I have been a victim of my own pet hate and I refuse to take it from anyone. Yes, it might seem a bit hypocritical of me to do this but I rather people know this now than later. There’s NOTHING GOOD ABOUT BEING HOT!!!

Ok, when I was younger, fatter and probably acne faced, I used to have this huge appreciation for hot people and I would get totally disappointed when they’re single or when they have issues. I would see a hot person and I would be totally nagging them about why it was so hard for them to get over their partners or kinda hooked on a partner that’s not as good looking as them. I am NOT saying I think I’m hot but given I got called ‘hot’ more than 10 times this month, I could pull it off as a newb in that category. When I broke up with BooMan, I was messed up and I was practically ruined. Then, I started getting people interested in making me feel better, which I totally appreciate until they said the things they shouldn’t have. “He’s older than you!” “You’re way hotter!” “Oh! You’re hot and young; you have every reason to move on.” “You’re crying for this guy who’s not as hot as you”

Now, let me tell you something. I personally got drawn to BooMan on a shallow level. Before I got to know him in details, his heart, his personality, his grandmother kiss on vzo chat and other stuffs, I was hooked on him even though he strikes a great resemblance with Stephen Gately and I wasn’t actually a fan of Mr Stephen. Then, later, I got to know him and love him. BooMan turns me on on a ‘anytime’ basis and there was just no one who would turn me on like he would. I wouldn’t be sexually driven by or attracted to anyone, well maybe except porn stars and Ryan Reynolds. But, yes, I think he’s hot.

People think it’s so easy for good looking people to find love and just screw any living things in sight. It’s true there are cocky assholes out there living up to that reputation but like any other average or ‘lower than average’ looking people who could not get through a heartbreak, we, the so called hot people, have feelings too. It’s not easy getting over someone you have loved and lost no matter how older he can be, how not as good looking as you do according to your friends he can be or how uncool he could be. I think it’s disgusting when people think hot people are more fortunate than normal people.

This also applies to the whole ‘Oh! You’re a singer! You have fans’ comment. You guys have no friggin idea how I’ve craved for beer, missed eating dinner, wanted to run in the rain without people thinking I’m craving attention, yearned to enter a coffee shop without seeing at least one person whispering to his/her friend while staring at me and always looked forward to crying on a bench in the park without having people stare at me.

I admit. I’ve always wanted to be good looking and popular but I think there’s nothing different between ones who are popular and good looking and the ones who are not. We cry like you do. We binge eat like you do. Most importantly, we get hurt just like you would.

Listening to: Christopher Cross – Arthur’s theme

Lost no more

Holidays make me crazy and not in a good way. I just had enough of being unmotivated, depressed and pretty much pathless. It’s been a messy emotional rollercoaster to deal with break ups, make ups, work change or living up to someone’s expectations. Conditions have been cruel when I’m always having constant fear of failure at the most unfruitful time. Luck has been cruel when I’m faced with small mishaps linked with one another. I’m just at this point where I say to myself “Why do these thing happen to me?” and “Why the fuck not?” It’s not easy being in a long distance relationship, feeling insecure most of the times, not knowing what’s going on, not being able to be yourself in public, not being able to work in the right place at a right time, not being able to be with those you love and not being able to feel as much happiness or hope as you used to. But then again, it’s also not easy to live them on. So, I just had enough of being a moping sulking son of a bitch and it’s about time I chuck a ‘why not’ at my life.

So, today BigSis and I went to Shwedagon pagoda. Normally, we would cab it there but given I had my driver and my car today, we asked my driver to drop us off at a market and to wait for us at one of the wings. Ok, the pagoda is a huge circle if you should ever googlemap it. It has four wings, with parking lots, and the whole trip around the pagoda takes around one hour to go around it by walking at a normal speed. Each wing has a flight of stairs (approximately 80 steps or more) to reach to the top of the pagoda. The circumference of the top of the pagoda takes me 10 minutes to completely circle around it. The market is at one of the wings and that wing actually has twice the size of those 80 steps to reach from the very top until the market. I totally forgot how the market is an extended endpoint of one of the wings and treated that as one of the wing.

So, BigSis and I went up from the market wing, took 160 steps up to the top of the pagoda and 20 steps before the top (red line), BigSis and I gave our shoes in those shoe lockers. Then, both us went around and came back to the market wing, went down 20 steps to take our shoes(red line) and started heading towards the wing where my car would be parked. Actually, it’s parked at the SAME wing where we took off our shoes but thanks to my stupid sense of direction, BigSis and I took an hour circling three wings on foot on ground level(green line), until we got tired and took a cab (blue line) to take us to the wing where we departed off (the market wing) and there it was, my car parked in the parking spot with my driver wandering aimlessly where we both were. On a brighter note, it was a good exercise.

I’m not having the best time of my life. I want to get back to Sydney already and I think my life would ONLY start once I settle there. It’s not about the place but it’s more about settlement. I’m pretty much sick of moving around and living on hopes and depending on other people to feel brave about.

When I was five, my grand-dad went to the toilet while we were shopping. Since I was too busy checking out some toys, I lost my way and I started crying only to find out my grand-dad would be back to come pick me up after he comes outta the toilet. I felt the same with BooMan. I love him to death til the point I’ve depended on his being to the way I live. I forgot about my life and I forgot about reality. I don’t want to depend on anyone anymore. I’ll give him all I can, love him with all my might til I run out but I will have to start focusing on my life on my two feet from now on. I guess, finding my way around the huge pagoda for my carspot is a good start. At least, I found it after an hour.

Listening to: Mutya Buena – Real Girl

Deep sleep

I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be in Freddy Kruger movies. The fact that you wake up from dreams, not knowing you’re still in your dreams. The movie “Inception” made the whole process seems more interesting.

Maybe it’s the aftermath of what I’ve done few days before but my brain seems numb and my memory’s beginning to fade. The good thing about all of this is the fact that I’m learning to forget my pasts as fast as I can. The better part is where I’m too tired to think about the future. But then again, the worst part is how I’m exhausted living in the present.

I felt like I woke up from a nightmare to kick myself back to reality when mom and sis got to Burma. Then, today, I woke up at five am and I noticed I had to take them to the airport. I do NOT like airports. Looking at how things are now, I don’t even know if I should like airports when I get back to Sydney. You get lost easily and people are just there to check you and remind you that bringing a bomb is bad. As usual, I felt ill the whole time I was in the airport. Numb usually. I saw my mom and sis crying but I chose to ignore it. I felt like I woke up from yet another dream to end up in another ‘nightmare-to-be’.

As I watched my mom and sis go, the chemicals in me started to fade as I started thinking about my past and future again. I recalled the time I was in Sydney airport when I had no choice to be sad or happy but just afraid to get back to Myanmar. Then, I thought about how things will work out if I ever get to Sydney again. Will I have anyone picking me up? Will I be able to get a job? Will I be lonely as before? Is this the last time I’ll see mom and sis for a long time? Where will I be when they come back to Burma again?

I closed my eyes and pinched myself hard, hoping this was yet another nightmare. But then I realized this wasn’t and it’s just the present state I’m in. Lost as ever and given up on hoping.

Black spade

Black Spade 

S. Hein

My energy withers,

as I lost my glow,

To everything, I dither,

Can't take things anymore.

I need an outlet now,

To numb the pain tonight,

If you could show me how,

I'll let you get inside.

A piece of block you are,

Melts on heated spoon,

I'll let you heal my scars,

And make me sleep til noon.

A piece of block I crave,

I'll need you again in me,

A piece of block that made

me numb my miseries.

Weak and fragile I've become,

Vulnerable to the bones,

Though you are a threat to some,

You are my only hope.

A piece of block you are

A piece of block you've got me far

A piece of block I'll always love

A piece of block, with you, I'll always be up above

I’m sorry I’ve let some down. I promise I won’t get addicted.

Lost

I can’t wait to drink again. It’s just this thirst that would be the only way to make me better. I’m not really sure what’s got into me but lately, I haven’t been satisfied with the way life is. Maybe it’s me losing patience on waiting to get my PR or have my album out. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m still doing the work that I’m not really enjoying that much. Maybe it’s the fear of losing my mom and sister in a few days and being left all alone in my room. Maybe it’s just me feeling a bit lost about my future since I’ve stopped planning.

I just feel like I’m walking alone on this road to nowhere. I used to be able to see obstacles from afar and I would be pretty enthusiastic to make plans to avoid them. I’m not really sure what this new feeling is but I’m just living the moment, which is pretty useful when I’m someone who gets easily let down by not living up to expectations but somehow I see myself losing grip of what’s to come. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I’ve been fearing things I’ve never felt fear for. When asked to visualize them, I would have no clues what they are. I’ve also been numbing away from anything dramatic and pretty much not really open-minded to that’s happening around me.

I do feel alone. I used to think it was cool to have the Green Day’s song “walking alone” as my life’s theme song until I’m actually living every lyrics of that song. When will this nightmare be over and will there be anything to look out for once I wake up? Who knows?

Listening to: Natasha Bedingfield – These words

Headphones and a conniving bitch

Four headphones in a month. It’s been a hectic month for me and my headphone shop. The day I got back from Chaungtha, I lost my iPod and my headphone stopped working. So, I bought a new headphone and the wire broke when it got caught in the car’s door while I was closing it a week later. So, I bought my third headphone, to which I maneuvered the same ‘caught in the car door’ thingy once again this week. Then, the shop was generous enough to trade one for me though. So, they gave me a new headphone today, which turned out to be pretty messed up given the balance between left ear and right ear is unstable and the static noise would come randomly. So, I do not know what this indicates but I bought three headphones and traded one headphone in one month and this will be my fifth trade.

So Translator is a conniving two faced low class backstabbing colleague of mine, who’s been creating mutiny and causing lots of issue at work. I find this quite insulting and offensive because you have people like me, who’s had enough stress on their own but always try to keep a good atmosphere at work, and you have people like her, who would do ANYTHING at work to bring down the mood. It’s also quite stupidly uneducatingly foolish for her to have worked for the government, wished for democracy but she herself has not earned enough trust for herself or her trust with anybody else. She’s a major Hitler of our time and I have no respect and whatsoever sympathy for a hypocrite of a bitch that I found out she can be. I feel really horrible for those colleagues who have been pretty much having so much issues and pretty much having a row at each other because of what this conniving low standard can do. She twists words and she plays with people’s head. God, I’m glad she’s gonna leave UN-Habitat soon. I seriously do NOT need the presence of a low class hypocrite in my life..

Listening to: The Wombats – Kill the director

The end of fairy tales

Dog walking can be so tiring, especially when you have five out of six dogs who are craving for your love. Well, what about the sixth one? It started with twin white puppies and my driver ran over one of them with a red car. I guess the color red kinda inserted fear into the left of the twin and maybe I was wearing red when he first came to his senses, that dog hates my guts. He would just bark at me and run away whenever I chase after him. On the other hand, I was happy I was the centre of attention between PuppyGaga and TinyOne. They’re both UNtiny but when I play with PuppyGaga, TinyOne would growl and when I gave my attention to TinyOne, PuppyGaga would then become the growler.

The only best thing that came out of the office, apart from my colleagues feeling up my ass and rating my bums (yes, girls do that, people!!!), is the notion of who I really love. I mean, I used to believe in true love and real love and all that stuff. Then, I believed in going the extra miles; a self made card for Valentine’s Day and giving someone something you really cherish or value. I guess I’ve stepped to a different level when I’ve substituted my dreams of a perfect love life to an everlasting one with someone I’d want it with. Maybe I’ve come to my senses about how ‘being perfect’ is mythical and maybe I’ve matured on a skeptical ground, but I can say that I’m somehow a fighter who’s still fighting really hard for a love I’ve started and would never like to see it end. Sometimes, you gotta trade the most complex big things to get one simple thing:- the person you love.

I might not have the fairy tale kind of love or something anyone would dream of but I’m proud and pretty happy with what I’ve got. At least, I work hard to get it back with the one I love and I’m damn proud of that.

Listening to: Duffy - Mercy

Falooda day

I’m so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. So so stupid. (God, I love copy and paste)

I blame it on waking up at 4am to go to the monastery with my aunt from LA, sleeping in between time til I lost track of time zones and going to a wedding. Got lovestruck and ended up emailing my ex a love note. See!!! I told you that’s stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Thank God for copy and paste buttons. Oh apparently, my mom said I whistle when I snore. That’s new!

I miss drinking. This would be the perfect moment to drink. I quit drinking since my ex was asked to stop and to make me steadier in the ‘no drinking’ zone, I’m doing the 81 days Buddhism rosary beads more seriously this time round with 81 days of NO ALCOHOL. I need 32 more days of sobriety but how the fuck would I do that with so much insanity around me. I feel like I’m living on a thread with my ex, being I feel like this monkey on a stage trying to make the best of it by doing the ‘right’ things according to him and at the same time, one would expect me to be calm and cool without a sip of wine. That’s just evil. For today, I’ve substituted red wine with falooda, some Indian dessert made of ice cream and pudding. But if I keep doing that, I’m gonna be old Oprah in like three days.

To cherry top the situation, I stupidly wrote him an “I still love you note”. ARGGHHH now how will I ever check my emails without my hands shaking. Go go gadget copy and paste. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid of me.

Listening to: Cliff Richard – Some people

Mid-life crisis

If a blog was a traffic jam and I’m on a car on my way to work, today is the part where I whinge like an old cow who can’t give milk to its owner. Yes, I miss my ex. Can’t get him outta my head and the fact that my sister is doing a long distance relationship, checking her facebook and gmail in front of me kills me more. Sometimes, I wonder what he would be doing, how he would be feeling or how he could stay without talking to me while I twist and turn in my own misery. Ok, that was a lie. I might not be twisting and turning in my misery since I’m naturally not a sad kinda person for more than two days but I gotta admit my heart still burns like a tablecloth with hot coffee on it, spilled by some lousy clumsy lady.

So, my mom, knowing I’m gay and not ok with it but still supportive of my ‘twist and turn’ whingeing behavior, tried her very best to give me a pep talk. WHICH DOES NOT WORK. “I’ll find you a wife”. You know, I know my mom’s never to be a candidate in one of those ‘most tactful mother of the year’ award show but this was just tactless to the max. “Mom, I do NOT like vaginas”. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t want me to have a lonely life with a gay man without mini Heins. But Craig did believe in babies and maybe, another gay man would. Urgh. And this takes me back to a mid life crisis.

I’m not settled nor stable. So, people tell me to find someone new or fuck around. Well, given my career and the popularity of Hepatitis C in Myanmar, I find it hard to just kiss a commoner and get fucked cold with paparazzi; no, I’m not that popular but a column about a gay singer does come across a huge hit on newspapers stands. And find someone new? Are you kidding me? Let alone I can’t get rid of my ex in my head, how the fuck can I find anyone who would want me at this moment? A guy who’s waiting to get his PR to Australia and still on a temporary consultant position in UN, where he’s NOT happy working in. Seriously, I would never have dated me, let alone boyfriended me. So, the mid life crisis scares me to death and finding a new guy to get over things just bores me.

I mean, love does not just drop out of a mailbox like babies from pelicans. There isn’t any mythical thing about love. People die from it. People die trying to find it. People does not dare to formularize it. I really hate the fact that love is my weakness. I just can’t wait to be settled and maybe I can pay a boytoy to be my partner til death do us part and force his sperm to fuse with mine and live a single father life, trying to come up with stories to tell my kids about their mysterious mommy who wouldn’t exist.

God, I hate my life!!!!

Listening to: Fefe Dobson - Everything

My lifesavers

I’ll be honest. I haven’t been pretty much healthy mentally. I think letting go of my ex was harder than it seems. Sometimes, when I’m about to let go and think I can move on, something is always there to remind me of him. So, despite the two strikes I’ve hurt him with, I’m pretty much scarred everywhere in any ways possible and guess what. The whole stubborn side of me still loves him. Healthy much?

So, mom and sis finally came back to Burma. It’s a nice feeling to see them again and even better to see them at peace with grandma and my aunt. The whole family fued in the past was just too much to take and at some point, I would get worried about what was gonna happen when they cross paths again in the future. Today was the day and there was no sign of conflicts.

I came back tired from work, as usual, thinking of you-know-who. Then, my grand-dad asked mom to help with the raffle tickets. My aunt always buy all these cheap-o-last-season stuffs from LA and whenever she comes back, she would put raffle numbers on them and make everyone or every guest who comes to the event draw raffle tickets FOC. Oh, I forgot to mention they’re actually here for the “event”, where we invite monks to preach the house and we do good stuffs and all that. We call it “Ka htein” in Burmese language but I like to treat this as a Christmas, given every member of my family’s back around me.

Helping out with the tickets eased my mind. From what normally is a flight up the stairs to watch movies after work, I ended up sitting on the floor in the living room helping my mom out and having some family time. All these times, I know why I’ve been so down and been pretty much dependent on my ex. I was in need of a family life. It’s been a while and being around my mom and sis once again made me feel a bit better at heart. It kinda made me feel occupied and today, I was feeling a bit better than the few nights before.

Mom and sis slept in my room and having a mom and a sister who could be like best friends towards you is awesome. Mom’s a big fan of buying big when it comes to food and watching her unpack lots of food, which could fill up a candy store for a week, was fun and talking about sex with my sis was just fucked up, yet funny. Both mom and I are not convinced that sis has a good sex life. So, I ended up showing her some of my ‘straight’ porn while I munched on seaweed sheets from mom’s food store NOT watching with her. I love them and they kinda save my life. I’ve never felt this complete in my life since the day I’ve lost my ex.

Listening to: Steps – Chain reaction

Appreciations

It’s funny how my friend, KP, could come up with the best philosophy which could probably change my life. The funnier thing was how I could hear myself saying that to other people.

I went to KP’s house yesterday after work to record yet another episode of my radio show. After a car crash and my car breaking down, I was pretty much convinced that my life was at the lowest of the low. After the recording, KP and I sat down and had some menthol ciggies. I uttered out a bit of a truth I’ve been getting used to lately. My weakness. The usual happy Hein just couldn’t hold it back and I told him how breaking up with my ex has made me feel so alone in this world. This was when he said “You know what your problem is? You don’t appreciate what you have.” Now what he said works through different level.

DRR-DIAS Myanmar: Working in UN-Habitat, my main project is to work on a web-based assessment in a third world country, where the word ‘firewall’ is pretty common. Yesterday I encountered a huge error that caused me to halt the whole process. The worst thing was not knowing whether this error was caused by my wrong codes or the firewall which is not allowing things to happen. Worst of all, I’m not sure whether it’s the firewall from the UN or the country itself. Now, come to think of it, there are many people out there around me who’s jobless and who would die to work in the UN. Why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to actually be working on an assessment that means something, despite the fact that it won’t work or not.

Album pending: I still have yet to finish my album which has been taking more than a year now. My comeback after five years and my fifth album in the making, I was excited until all shit hits the fan and my music mixer is pretty much avoiding my phonecalls. Yes, it’s pretty unprofessional of him but there are people out there who wants to sing live on stage, let alone have an album out. Why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to actually be working on an album, which has been criticized by a lot of other professionals as a good breakthrough?

Love life: My ex has been my biggest lost of the year. Worst of all, it was because of me. A monogamous gay man who believes in having a family and who’s held onto me despite the distance, I kept wanting more from him til the point that it was almost impossible for him to be able to give more. Now, I’m left to square one with no one in sight and pretty much with no intention to actually even get back to wanting a somebody to hold me tight, wake up with or kiss just cos I feel like it. Despite the fact that the ghost of my ex still haunts me to sleepless nights and a sudden change in my social calendar full of cancellations for parties, why is it so hard to accept that I was lucky enough to have experienced a love so true and good when a lot of people out there has ONLY written or dreamt about the love that I’ve shared with him? Let alone that, with what I’ve learnt from my mistakes, I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake again in the future.

I got a good life, a good family, an exciting unseen future and a good present which could enhance that. Although there are a lot of things I could still wish and hope for, isn’t it time I’m happy just being the way that I am? My ex boss slash best sister in Sydney once asked me if I were happy in Burma to which I’ve answered ‘no’ to. She told me it was important to be happy where I was no matter where it is cos I could just come back to Sydney and be sad like I was with my uni life. With so much potential to have such negative things happening around me, I’ve grabbed hold of the fact that I still have the brighter side to which I could learn to get used to.

KP amazes me sometimes. Thank you!

Listening to: Simply Red - Fairground

Dominique

Being single and out of a five stars relationship is unhealthy when you have old women coming at you to ask if you’re married or not. “Are you married?” Whenever I said ‘no’, they would talk about their daughters. Three women had done that and one of their daughters is actually married. Now, who would talk about a married daughter to an available bachelor?

Five days ago, I was at a consultation and I saw this REALLY hot young man; yes, they’re rare in humanitarian consultations. So, there were around four foreigners and other twenty plus locals. I was in charge of copying the presentations onto their flash drives. One of them has the name “Dominique” on it and my colleague got all excited and asked me to try to give it to that young man. Since I didn’t see him after the consultation, I checked out his drive to find out a CV. I later found out that “Dominique” is a name of a chick but I got a phone number from there, to which I’ve called and Jeramo (his name) would come and collect the flash drive from me soon.

Today, one of my colleagues placed this huge fat flower on the top of my right ears and took pics of me. She thought it was funny; I was just bored and didn’t do anything about it. The flower got used to the skin and I forgot it was there and Jeramo entered the room to ask for the flash drive. He did not turn out to be that fine looking young man but the bald head “I thought he was” Italian who was sitting next to the prince charming. I noticed he wanted to laugh and then I noticed I had this huge flower on top of my right ears. Double epic fail!!!!

Maybe it was because of the flower but I heard that he crashed into a car in our UN compound car park after his trip to get his flash drive from the weird guy with the flower on his head. It’s not like I could do anything with any man at this moment anyways, with my pathetic mindset still fixated on my ex, but hey I can freely say “FML” for this day.

Listening to: Stereophonics – Have a nice day

Diplomacy vs. fake politeness and the hunt for white pussies

Myanmar has this term “Aar nar de” (when translated means ‘hurts energy’), which literally means one feels bad. It actually was invented to boost politeness but somehow society has been misusing such words until it makes the word ‘diplomacy’ sound way more easy-listening. So, you’re working and someone higher than you on a hierarchical level asks you to do something before you can actually refuse. Diplomatically, one would try to be open and the best type would go for win win. Look, I got a huge pile of work but I’ll look into it. When’s the deadline? Maybe, I can pencil it in after this pile of work. Some honest people would just refuse, which would be the best choice but let’s stick to politeness at the moment. In terms of ‘energy hurt’, one would say ‘yes’, maybe after a short pause, and actually would bitch to his/her colleagues about how he didn’t want to do it and he only accepted it because he feels ‘energy hurt’. So, later on, he/she would be asked to do more while the asker misestimate his capacity and before you know it, work stress kicks in and BAM, the bottled up princess in him/her would swerve into a bitcharoo of crap talks and bad communications.

BubbleGum, a smiling man who knows how to get his ways by diplomacy, and Hawaiian, a mellow Burmese man who doesn’t know how to say ‘no’ while stuck on a hierarchical ladder. BubbleGum is an analyst from India and Hawaiian is a research expertise from Myanmar. Both men of the same level of abilities and experience meet me, a pretty polite bitch, might I add, also good looking compared to other bitches.

The background of it all is Hawaiian who had accepted to do work for BubbleGum despite the fact that he doesn’t really favor it. Before BubbleGum got to Myanmar, I ended up being the pimp daddy between these two. As a focal point in Myanmar, I ended up being seen as an easy man to clear clouds for BubbleGum, which he was very grateful for. A bitch at its best I was, I managed to bitch about Hawaiian to BubbleGum as soon as he got here. I mean, come on, who would actually give a questionnaire in Myanmar language to an Indian man, assuming he could sort things out on his own. BubbleGum is not dumb but seriously Hawaiian is a dumbass who thought BubbleGum would learn Myanmar language miraculously. So, I told BubbleGum about Hawaiian trying to sigh or be really unfriendly towards queries I’ve given, which I have derived directly from the man itself.

The meeting today was funny. You got BubbleGum with his diplomacy and I could kinda sense him praising me more than usual. I’m a natural blusher (despite the ACTUAL blush not appearing on my cheeks) but I just sat there with my arms folded with a face an English man would make on a biscuit tin box. The whole “Schmuck, I rather finish my crumpets while you wait to get me to do what you asked for” look. Everytime BubbleGum complimented, Hawaiian would cause this epic fail to look me in the eyes and would nod subconsciously without any verbal agreement. The funnier thing was how Hawaiian has this behavior of a sidekick to BubbleGum. “Yes, professor, I should learn more from you”. Now, you tell me if Robin would shut up if Batman told him that BatGirl is awesome. Given Robin is not jealous, he would agree and compliment the compliment. I caught Hawaiian’s eyes once in a while and he would look away. Coward, I wasn’t really impressed. After the meeting, BubbleGum told me how he was doing everything on purpose and how it was fun to make Hawaiian feel so awkward everytime BubbleGum complimented me. If I had counted right, he complimented me not less than five times.

So, diplomacy vs fake politeness. I rather chuck white lies to go for win win as opposed to lying at the first stage to only have to be awfully awkward when facing the music. Speaking of awkwardness, rather eccentric, BigSis asked me to hunt for a white pussy. Ok, fine, she did say ‘kitty’ but I think the flow ‘pussy’ sounds way funnier. So, as a present for her boyfriend, she decided to give him a white cat, which he also wanted. The hunt for a white pussy is not really that difficult since I have two stray white pussies who kept coming into my house. I could just hunt them down and hand them over to BigSis. However, in hopes of not fucking up my hernia-surgerized stitches while running after pussies or picking them up, I do worry about not being able to make it to getting her those two pussies before Christmas. Later, I found out that BigSis’s boyfriend does not like patches on white pussies and he wants a plain white pussies. White pussies in Myanmar is like Wally. I’ve never seen any white pussies before. It would either have a patch of gold, brown or black here and there. So, farewell to my pussy hunting mission, which would save my rank as a pooftah and also save my hernia stitches from exploding.

Listening to: My Chemical Romance - Cancer

BubbleGum’s preys

I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to medications. Typical as it may sound, my prescription list after my surgery was a bit too long to memorize. With this amount of external chemicals inside my body system, I get hungry easily; well, mostly weak. Then, since some of the medicines must be taken after or before a meal, I end up finding an excuse to nibble on something despite my inner Hein asking me not to eat during the ‘you cannot jog in the evenings’ phase. Sorry, innerHein, I have to nibble on this bag of potato chips or I can end up foamed up like an overdosed celebrity. So, after a bag of potato chips, I had the right mood to blogify my new document of MicrosoftWords.

Excuse my lack of blogging during my PMS era but I forgot to mention BubbleGum is FINALLY in town. The analyst who I was supposed to help with was in town since last week. I was happy about his happy face despite his angry tone on emails. Emails are just so ever-deceiving; reading this, BooMan? Then, I got to learn how passionate this Indian expert is. Having worked with people like ToyBoss and BigSis, passionate colleagues are a major thumbs up and BubbleGum somehow managed to grab the ‘most impressive colleague of the month’ trophy despite his one week stay. I blame the system I was working under. Seriously, too much meetings, gentlemen!!! Where art thou, o’ God of Implementation? So, back to BubbleGum, he’s full of philosophies and he would start a sentence with ‘there’s a saying in ….’. It’s a wonder working with him but just like any Indian people who I’ve met, he’s not afraid to bargain.
“There you go, sir, I got this done”.
“Oh can you do this one more thing? You’re doing a great job!!”

I swear I have a Chinese blood in me but flattery gets me anywhere and I’m gonna quote what he said “Swe, your involvement has caused a QUANTUM LEAP and it has given me hope on my assessment”. Now, you give me one god-damn reason why it’s not fun to impress this man. BubbleGum and his way of getting things, such a passionate man and nice to work with.

Ok, here comes the BUT part. He happens to work in the meeting room which is the room beside our disaster risk ‘not really’ reduced small for 8 people office room. Given the water cooler is in the meeting room, it’s a huge chunk of challenge for us to get water whenever we’re thirsty. Some of us swallowed our saliva; some tried to swerve distraction to the fact that the internet is slow; some ignored it. Thirst is ONE thing our DRR room was not really humble about. We find ourselves scared shitless to go to the meeting room where BubbleGum is to get water from the water cooler.

There was even a mutiny of those ‘have gone to the meeting room’s who would ask help from those in the room who hasn’t gone under the arms of BubbleGum’s death wreath. MissMyanmar was the last victim to be asked to fill a cup of coffee and a water bottle while quenching her own thirst. BubbleGum hesitated at first and we were quite surprised but I think it was because of the time taken to fill the coffee cup and the water bottle, she was finally yet another prey of BubbleGum’s babbles.

He talks and talks and talks and talks and the worst thing is while he talks, he finds more tasks for us to do. With Maltesers and Angel on vacation (given they play pretty major roles in our office), minor tasks and small talks were not pretty much welcomed especially when one is trying to quench his/her thirst. If you think I’m exaggerating, get this. This is mainly because I have a huge appetite for H2O, I now know the South African handshake, BubbleGum’s wife’s favorite color for a laptop, Indian geography, Punjabee language and a lot more. All thanks to BubbleGum’s babbles whenever I would be filling my water bottle and not to forget the load of small tasks asked to do on my way back to my office cubicle.

He’s a great man and I highly respect him but I wish to see him next at a picnic as opposed to our ‘ever busy’ office room.

Listening to: 3oh!3 – Starrrstruck (feat. Katy Perry)

The trade

There’s no hero in life. There’s no such thing as a savior. There’s no hope, nor justice. What’s right or wrong? Can we swerve the views of others to another side of one’s point of view? You got yourself though.

Some people try to save lives. Some try to save their loved ones. Some countries. Why bother going for a large population when you can’t even save yourself?

During my stay at the hospital, after they put me to lose consciousness, I noticed I wasn’t really fit to make a choice in life. I was depressed before my surgery. I didn’t even know whether it’s right or wrong to have it.

What started from a post-break up depression ended up in turmoil of never stopping domino effect of bad things one could ever imagine. Of course, people at war would see mine as a minor case. But, given the circumstances I was in, I felt pretty much dead when my checkup told me I had a viral count of 10 to the power 5 for hepatitis B inside of me, which could lure to liver cancer if I hadn’t done this check up. Then, the stomach acid reflux, which I got from the post break up, combined with work stress and the inevitable feeling of losing grip on things in life; my album pending, works piling and losing hold of someone you truly love, I ended up with hernia detected. The doctor suggested immediate surgery and all I could do at that moment was nod my head and said “If it’s for the better, I would do anything.” I have always wanted to give up in life but this time, I couldn’t really see the point of giving up. I felt like I’ve lived through hell and there was no turning back and nothing worse would make justice. So what if I let myself die? My funeral would be grand but a week later, I’m just a page in an obituary.

Waking up and gaining consciousness, the nurses let me up but since my wounds weren’t stitched, I woke up in my hospital gown to have blood flowing down my legs. I hate blood. I felt helpless but at that split second I just know that this is just yet another ball thrown in my face; yet another block of domino on its way down with the impact from the others behind it that had fallen.

I regained sanity today at work after a surgery, a break up, losing work and my pending album work. I’m not a loser. I’ve come this far to lose it all. There was only one way to start anew.

I’m kinda glad my boyfriend was pretty much unimaginably supportive when I got back to chatting to him. Seeing his chatbox pop up made me think of my past. I bit my lips and I tried to talk normal but I tried my hardest to be as honest as I could. I can’t do it as friends. I can love him as a person but the fact that I’ve committed myself to a love I have never felt for anyone will not really be able to suffice me being his friend. I was surprised when he said we’re still on. A pity fuck online? A good future promise? Not caring to read between the lines, I left the office room and cried in the toilet. I looked down at my work shirt and I saw blood stains on my work shirt from the tucked in part where the iodine had stained with the left over blood from my stitched wound.

This is it for me. With a healed heart with a boyfriend with a past and an uncertainty for the future, with two stitched holes in my body, with two hands tired from catching up with work and with a sense of patience and business talk to convince my mixing engineer to work faster, I was once ready again to be reborn. This was my only way of getting back up.

I was an insecure bastard full of pride, who’s taken comfort in taking the negativities of my genes. My mother’s insecurities, my father’s careless way of living life, my grandmother’s suicidal habits and my grand-dad’s anger. I was ready to trade those for the best strength I have in every bones of my body.

Lack of grudge from my mother, my dad’s happy-go-lucky sense of humor, my grandmother’s bravery and my grand-dad’s persistency. I am not saying my life is gonna be a bed of roses but I just know that I’m able to fight anything that comes to me with these. I have to admit I feel a bit weak at the moment but once these wounds heal, just watch me shine. I’m gonna shine for the real person that I am and not for people to think “Hein is a cool person”.

I’m a nice person. About time I live up to it.

Listening to: Secondhand Serenade – World turns

Exhaustion comes in number

Life is pretty unfair sometimes. I mean, I’m not complaining about the mishaps that have happened to me since a week ago but I just wish it all doesn’t come in one big go.

I knew this week was gonna be busy but I was never ready to face it on my own. It’s true I fucked up my relationship/trust with my boyfriend (well, ex) and it’s true there’s no way to convince him that I do in fact feel stupid and pretty much wanna get back to where we were before with him at this phase. I’ve started to ignore my friends because I can’t stand having to talk about my breakup, especially when I know I’m the one who’s in the wrong. Naturally I couldn’t stop blaming myself ever since.

Office in the morning, studio in the night until 2am and 4 hours sleep to get back to work, where I’m asked to do lots of things in one go. Why this week? I was pretty much free most of the time when I wasn’t single. And why does this trip to the beach have to be in two days? Why am I not looking forward to it? Shouldn’t divorcees take deep breaths and continue their lives with a trip with their friends?

I don’t know. I feel so lost and alone and I have no clue who to ask hugs from. I just hope things would come slowly if they were meant to fuck me up more, emotionally and physically. How long can I stand this exhaustion? How long can I take this? How long can I keep acting strong?

Who knows? I’ve lost my inner voice already it’s only stupid enough to keep questioning myself. I’m so tired. I just want to rest somewhere now for a day.. for a week.. maybe for a long period of time..

The only thing that's worse than one is none

In Between 

S. Hein

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Some songs mean so much sense when they're written for you.

The present

Sometimes, the present bores us. You sit around and wait for things to happen or you just pretty much wonder how you get here so far. Time passes and somehow you lost track of the purpose of your initial thoughts. The domino effect such the process ‘thinking’ causes is pretty amazing, considering the length of varieties it has inside the strip of thoughts.

As much as I like to plan, I’ve given up today. So, yesterday I planned to stop using facebook and any media sources to avoid BooMan. Why need I do that? He’s not a bad guy. He’s just someone who’s not my boyfriend anymore. I kinda saw hope between us although I have to add I was pretty much destroyed by the past. Like I’ve mentioned before, I’m going through the funeral phase. Damage is done, I hurt a guy and I’ve learnt my lessons. What to do?

I guess I just want to focus on other important things for now.

So, speaking of the present, I was pretty amazed at how my kids were doing given I couldn’t go to the dance lesson yesterday. Well, it was more of my miserable emotions playing up and I couldn’t really see myself bearing kids looking up to me to come up with more Justin Bieber moves to make themselves look cool. I don’t wanna let them down so I kinda avoided the choreo class yesterday. They did well today. Not only did the group know their dance moves but they were making so much of their own moves. I want to boost their chances of thinking they have a ‘say’ in this process. I want them to feel proud of their moves. So, I started agreeing to what they want and kinda fixed what needed to be fixed. I felt bad for moving QuikEMart to Group 3, which I was pretty sure he wasn’t happy with. But I told him I moved him because Group 3 needed some smiles in the group and he happened to have the best smile. Oh brother, I gotta teach him how to smile now. Why, kiddo, why?

It was nice to catch up with BigSis. As usual she held onto my hand and she was being honest about things around me. I never asked for her views. Maybe it might contradict mine. It might contradict BooMan’s. However, I was pleased she was pleased to hear me say I’ve wronged this time. What can a man do after his flaws? He can try not to repeat it again I guess. As for dreams coming true, I rely on time and place at the moment. It’s true I will never find anyone like BooMan. If I do, I’ll be lucky but I guess I’m not in any hurry at the moment. And yeah, he deserves to have a good time in KL or in Sydney. I do love him and I wish him well.

My day ended with one of the best weddings I’ve been through. Looking at RyRy and Pooh marry was joy to me. I used to remember late night calls I used to make to RyRy when he said he was gonna break up with Pooh cos he was going to be abroad. I’m not really sure if they remembered anyways and I don’t really expect that but a hug and a thank you from both of them made me smile. I’d normally think why does good things happen to other people and not me but this time around, I couldn’t stop smiling at the huge achievement I’ve made by playing a small role between them. Cute couple, I’m proud of them and I wish them both a happy prosperous marriage life.

Haha, my marriage life? Let’s just say it’s not something I should think about at the moment.

Listening to: Sugar Ray – Closer

The ghost of Boo

Life’s pretty unfair. I’ve given up on getting BooMan’s attention and I’ve been trying to win him back, which hasn’t been pretty much useful. Before you know it, everything around me reminds me of him, his gmail emails before he started his ignoring spree, his facebook pic and even his presence on gtalk. I’ve pretty much ignored the pain I’ve been feeling cos I was in the wrong and I gotta things right for us to grow again.

I’ve ignored the fact that he didn’t want me to come to KL, I’ve been working on my visa. I’ve even found myself someone who would pay for my KL ticket but I failed to get someone to give me their place for me to stay over when I get to KL. To make things worse, since my passport expiry date’s pretty much less than six months around the time of my stay in KL, I got rejected for my visa.

I’m pretty much in a very depressive mood at the moment. Been stupid, been told I’m stupid and I’ve pretty up screwed up something good that I had and nothing would be good enough to change it. Forget mine or BooMan’s efforts, luck doesn’t even seem to be on my side.

I can’t really stand not getting emails from him anymore. To make things worse, the mixing engineer worked on the song I wrote for BooMan. I was invited to a wedding of a friend. I was also reminded about how awesome an airport can be when two lovers re-unite from oversea.

I guess the best thing for me to do right now is to let fate work its course and since working has been pretty much bitchy lately, it’s only fair that I try to get rid of every media sources that reminds me of BooMan. I do still love him and that will never ever change. Maybe we’re meant to be and maybe we’re not but until I’m ready to be better to be strong again, I don’t really dare to go to places I’ve been once with him around me.

The after life

It’s not really fair for someone like me to have to pretend everything’s going well. It’s one good thing to have a lot of friends but it’s bad to have them all caring about you. It’s awesome but when you know you are the cause of a break up, it’s not easy trying to put words into their mouths to make sure they don’t blame my ex or they don’t think I’m evil. It was just a mishap and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Thirty minutes of sleep later, I zombied my way through work. Kinda amazed I could give a ten minutes presentation, to which I saw people nodding and giving full attention and an offer at the end of the presentation to work for other companies. It was hard actually. My heart still ached and I was constantly on heart pills. Gotta thank the fact that my grand-dad has whatever it takes for me to stop hyperventilating when shit happens.

I was tempted to go out with DoubleA. Unfortunately, I had to tell him about what happened since he called me up for drinks at night (by drinks, I mean fruit juice) and knowing him, he could always tell when I’m as fucked as this. I would’ve gone and killed time with him but my conscience said ‘sleep’.

The amazing thing was how I couldn’t sleep even after only a thirty minute sleep the night before. Weird huh?

Listening to: Ayaka – Mikazuki

The burn

They say curiosity kills the cat but I think it actually kills relationship and trust. Ask any mothers how a child is born as a pyromaniac. We kids find flame pretty amazing. The way the flame sparks in our eyes and the way the blue tip appears out of nowhere on the fiery red line above the yellow glow with the white medium in the middle. Mom tells us not to play with it. We love it until we play with it for too long to get bruised and depending on how big our scars are, we try not to let that happen in the future. Sometimes, knowing it burns, we forget the consequences and tend to play with fire again.

Growing up, after we see fireworks and fireguns, we turn into the pyromaniac we used to be as a baby. The spark amazes us, the flame intrigues us and the way the color varies as the flame lingers onto the burning piece makes us wonder if we are actually old enough to play with fire again, hoping we’d let go of the pain once we feel a sudden rush of sting from the heat. Then, we kinda got a bit enthused in seeing how we could hold onto this fire. Will we get immune to it? Will the cure afterwards feel better?

The fire within me extinguished too late last night and the aftermath of feeling guilty to have started the fire, filled with pride, lingered on today as I drove my boyfriend (well, ex now) insane with my selfish pride and fear of something that is not even there. I drove him to the edge and he exploded with a decision made to being single again, cancelling meeting up, avoiding phone calls and leaving me pretty much on my own.

It felt like a funeral. You know.. when a person dies, you can’t do anything to revive him or her back but yet the day goes on. Time betrays you and the ‘so called’ past which used to have a promising future gives a pretty much unintended present and you just wish you were the one in the coffin instead of the element that has been taken away from you. What if I was the one who don’t have to suffer from this loss? What if I just disappear? It was an unwanted calmness where I was forced to stay in a room listening to my own breath.

My eyes itched as facebook became accessible on the work puter. I found it hard to breathe and my chest gave a throbbing pain as I realized that my ex boyfriend is ‘single’. Feeling like a kid who is hated in the class and also pretty much let down by the teacher, I had no one to blame but myself. I kept swallowing air into my dry throat as tears started to fall down my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I’m not gonna cry. This is just a break up. It’s natural in life. It’s part of life.

Then, it amazed me how I’ve been totally out of touch with the way I used to feel when Simon left me. Simon left me not because he was an asshole. Well, maybe he was or he wasn’t but thinking back, I did the same thing I did to BooMan. I drove him crazy with insecurities. I let the fire burn inside me and the person who I had no idea of took control of my body and made decisions. My instincts ran fowl and my inner voice was not heard anymore.

The calm before the storm. What did I learn? I learnt that no matter how much you think you could have survived the heat you felt from the first burn, it’s better being dead than breathing after the second burn. As I thought to myself, I have no idea what my future holds anymore. I’m sad, torn, betrayed by my own intelligence and most of all, I’ve let go of the one man I’ve loved and still can’t get out of my head since eleven months ago that we fell in love. Three months ago that I proposed to him on the phone. A day ago that we were planning on meeting each other.

Folks, Hein is dead!.

Listening to: Green Day – 21 guns

ADHD fwens

I’ve been told that I have this severe case of adapting ‘ADHD’ into my system. It’s pretty understandable until I encountered someone worse than me.

MissMyanmar helped me get to the clinic to have my blood test. So, the blood test itself was horribly expensive but the ‘package’ deal was pretty affordable. Before you know it, I was running around the rooms. Had my arm injected, ECG, X-rayed and my bmi measured. I never knew what ECG was until I found myself lying in bed with gel on my nipples and some sucker pump on my chest and stomach. I had no idea what was gonna happen but it was just these puny suckers giving a pressure in the size of a weak hump. The X-ray doctor was funny. She was telling me how she wanted me to breathe in deep when she asked me to and ONLY when she asked me. She repeated that so many times and she told me not to breathe beforehand or else I go out of breath. Wasn’t really paying attention, I heard ‘turn blue’, ‘suffocate’ and ‘faint’ and just guessed what she said.

Now, let’s get back to MissMyanmar’s ADHD moments.

1. I asked her what I would have to do if I was going for a blood test, to which she answered ‘drink water’ thinking I was going for my urine test.
2. I was talking to her about how insecurity grows unwanted when you’re in some relationship mishaps and I asked her what I should do to get rid of these insecurities to which she answered “Go to UNDSS for security trainings” thinking I was asking her about security courses.
3. I told her I might be staying at the Hiltons in Malaysia, to which she said “That’s nice. Chinatown”. Well, Chinatown is ‘ta yote tann’ in Burmese.

So, I was pretty happy I wasn’t the only one in the world with a short attention span or ADHD or hearing issues.

Listening to: Fallout Boys - I'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me + you)

The adventure of the UN-Boy

I remind myself of a character from Enid Blyton today at work. His characters are always curious and totally opposed to the term ‘homeboy/homegirl’. Hopping around, solving mysteries, going off to another world where you have people with a saucer as a head and practically making good use of time NOT being inside the house, I was pretty much on a ‘wandering’ mode at work.

The Canteen:
Remember that cleaning lady who made me lime juice? The one who’s got a malaria infected brain and a non healing breast? Well, I met her on the way to the canteen and she was talking about how there’s a possibility of a drop in price tags in shops because of this change in Myanmar politics. I kinda did the sympathetic nod and this is the Lady Diana nod which I maneuvered whenever I have no opinion to a statement but could empathize how it came out of someone’s mouth. Then, the lady surprisingly asked me for 2000 kyats. Now, I know I’m not a big fan of spoiling money askers or beggars but this lady is no beggar and 2000 kyats is only three days worth of ‘two pornos per day’ DVD rental. So, I chucked out two 1000 kyats notes and handed to her, only to be given back a big slap in the face. Metaphorically! She said “Oh my son, may you get married with a beautiful girl in the future.” I gave her a nervous chuckle as I, as an Enid Blyton character, wander off the canteen, forgetting what I came in for, to yet another room at work.

The Toilet Walls:
MissMyanmar and I went to the toilet together. Well, not to the same room of course. She went to the ladies and I went to the gents (DUH!) and when I got to the urinals, just as I was about to ‘squeeze my lemons’(a term my cousin taught me to describe the act of you trying to release this throbbing urge you’ve got in your genitals to want to pee), MissMyanmar yelled from the Ladies’ toilet. Now, you gotta remember that the toilet is separated by a wall and it’s pretty symmetrical horizontally to the ladies’ room. So, surprised I could hear her, we began to multitask in the toilet, talking while peeing. As soon as we got back to the office, we alerted the other colleagues how things can be heard through both toilets. Once a ‘recreation center’ (named by MissMyanmar on toilets since it is the only place to go bitch about work, try on clothes or release tension for ladies) where my colleagues would use when stressed, the UN first floor toilet became ‘NOT’ quite the place for any recreational purposes anymore. Doomed are we!

The analysis pimp:
I admit I kinda over-exaggerated when I said I wander around at work like an Enid Blyton’s character, given I only went to the canteen and the toilet. However, that’s quite a lot compared to my usual self in the office. Always in front of the puter most of the time, today just seems quite special. Now, getting back to the time in front of the puter. So, I have automatically volunteered to be the pimp between an analyst and a research team. Get how weird it is! The analyst, who we love to call by two initials alphabet which means BubbleGum in Myanmar language, sent out these questions he wanted to be surveyed. The leader of the research company, Hawaiian (yes he’s been there but he’s Myanmar), took these questions, placed them in his questionnaire and did a research and finally sent the data back to BubbleGum. I was forwarded these emails and I kinda tried to study what Hawaiian gave to BubbleGum. An excel spreadsheet of weird question numbers and data. BubbleGum was furious and he wanted to be sure what he’s getting were answers to what he wanted. Let me just straighten out the dumbness that Hawaiian chucked!
- He did not attach the ‘actual’ questionnaire in which he placed BubbleGum’s questions. I mean come on, given his spreadsheet’s question numbers are based on his own questionnaire, how was BubbleGum to know which data represents which questions.
- BubbleGum asked what the ‘NULL’ values were, to which he answered ‘it means no one answered’. HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The reason why BubbleGum asked was because he wanted to know why there were so many blanks not because he, the analyst, does NOT know what NULL value means.
- Hawaiian finally sent the questionnaire but it was in Myanmar language. Now, does he expect BubbleGum to miraculously learn Myanmar language in two hours?

So, as usual, I became the pimp between them, setting out the spreadsheet straight. I’ve been told I do a good job at work but sometimes, I wonder if it’s because I’m actually smart or just because others are so busy they do not give enough time to kinda make themselves averagely smart. What Hawaiian did was just insane and it could be solved with two hours in front of the puter. I mean, given a big research company, doesn’t he have someone to do that?

So, you’ve been reading a blog entry of an Enid Blyton’s character for today. Signing off to la la land to converse with saucer head and the naughty girl in class, I shall see you soon!

Listening to: Scissor Sisters – Any which way

BBQ with the beach bashers

Distraction would be the first word which I should think about regarding my ongoing thirst for Kylie and Danni and I got it right away, thank god. Second dry day and work was as usual. SitarBro was talking about extending my contract and lately there has been a lot of complication going on regarding that extension. Bureaucracy is such a motherfucker at times.

DoubleAWife called just as I was about to finish work and we hit the bbq cos one of her friends got back for three weeks from Singapore. People I just met from NOL’s birthday were there, well not the gay ones. So, one of TTM’s favorite friends, CS, was thinking of bailing out of her birthday beach bash. CS, who just got back from the states, will be going to Singapore in a few days and not pretty sure when she’d be back. TTM was kinda agitated with that, hoping CS make it to her beach bash. TLM sent NOL and me back home and it was a good early Monday night.

Ah well.. the entry sounds better without my usual ‘philosophical’ thoughts, eh? :P

Listening to: Keren Ann - Seventeen

14 days 14 nights

So my smart ass boyfriend came up with this plan ages ago where we have to stay dry and untouched for a month or so. Given we only have two weeks to meet, today marks the first day of our ’14 days 14 nights’ routine.

Rule Number 1: NO PORNO
So this is gonna be tough. Given I’ve been living on that, be it straight or gay, since I haven’t been able to have any sexual contacts with anyone or even ANYTHING around me, unless that individual has a name tag with BooMan’s name on it.

Rule Number 2: Kylie and Danni on tour
I’ve been pretty much hooked on masturbation. What? Nothing wrong with that word, might I add. It’s a thing most people do anyways. So, given I’ve been living a ‘me and my hand’ life, I’ve begun to learn how to be left handed and started naming my body parts. So, yep Kylie and Danni will both be on tour.

So yes it’s still day one and I’m itching to just get a sock, Kleenex and a bottle of lube under my blanket!

Listening to: Goldfrapp - Believer

Birth of QuikEMart

If you think choreographing 15 kids from age range of 5-11 is easy, think again. And kids in Myanmar are much more non-outgoing and shyer than those from international schools.

Call it habit but it seems like my English has gone a bit too formal lately. I was talking big words to the kids like ‘complimentary’, ‘biased’ and ‘appreciate’. I don’t know.. those words seem so easy at the moment but I swear when I was their age, I did not know of these words. So, I had to keep reminding myself that I am talking to kids with age range of 5-10, who do not have “English” as their mother language.

The kids were great but it was so hard to choreograph them after actually choreographing myself or people who were so much better than me before. If I gave them easy moves, I feel stupid and pretty uncool and if I gave them hard moves, I felt like they would lose interest cos it looks too hard. So, it was pretty difficult to handle kids’ choreography.

It doesn’t help that there was one kid, who was 10 and he was a bit of a hyper one. There’s always someone who’s ‘special’ among any kids group. Like Alfafa in Little Rascals and that booger picking kid from ‘The Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ or ElMira from Looney Toons, there’s ALWAYS one kid who is ‘special’. This kid, who I would like to nickname QuikEMart , is special. He’s obedient and quite adorable but he gets totally hyper and he would get a bit bipolar at times. Now, like any other parents in denial of their kids’ sanity, his parents refuse to do ANYTHING that would boost his sanity up. So, yeah, I ended up putting him in another group where the dance moves will be breezy. I love the kids but god, kids choreography is such hard job!

P.S. Happy birthday to my one and only gay daughter hahahaha. Love ya, NOL !

Listening to: Muse – Supermassive black hole

Dreams

BooMan wanted to meet me at this place called “The Mall”. To be exact, at a coffee shop. It was either Coffee Beans or “Starbucks”. When I met him, he had this horror look on his face and I asked what was wrong and he said he was worried I wouldn’t like the way he looks in real life. I looked at him and he was actually hotter than he looks in his pics. I threw my arms around him, got him to stand up and kissed him passionately. We were gonna rush off to the nearest toilet/hotel when my alarm clock rang and I found out it was an hour and 45 minutes until I get my ass to the office. Dang!

I told BooMan about my dream and it was funny because there isn’t anything called “The Mall” in Sydney and CoffeeBeans only exist in Perth, though I’ve seen some outlets in Singapore. I told BooMan about it and then he told me how the new mall in Pitt Street opened last week and I remembered that the mall in my dream resembled the food court I used to go to when I was in Sydney. Oh yeah, and it’s called the Westfield mall!

Then, BooMan came back online all excited around 4pm to tell me that his boss told him to go to KL in two weeks time and he googled ‘The Mall’ in KL and there’s one; not to mention “Coffee beans” having an outlet in KL as well. I finally agreed to it since I really want to meet my husband at last. So, I was pretty amazed at my precognitive self and I’m pretty excited to finally get to touch BooMan, let alone kiss.

I have had a history with this psychical incident. When I was seven, I was really sick and I would hear fire trucks and then I recited the name of the place which burnt down to find out it was actually that place in the newspapers the next day. When I was a monk around eleven, this one dude came up to me to teach me how to calculate luck dates. So, I was able to calculate the dates when people should do things; lottery, car sales or other stuffs. I’ve been pretty serious doing beads this time around. I refuse to drink and I do it everyday punctually and as serious as I could. Maybe it’s that effect? I don’t know!

God, I can’t wait to see BooMan!

Listening to: Billy Talent - Surrender