It feels so good to cry knowing there’s no one who’s good enough to make me feel better but myself. I cried til I ran out of tears. I cried until I was out of breath and gasping for air.
It started with a trip to my bathroom. It’s crazy but it’s been one whole week since I last used that bathroom since my mom and sis were the only ones using it when they were here. I guess they were afraid of excess baggage when they left or maybe toiletries were not that important but on the basin level, I saw Nivea whitening cream, a Pantene shampoo bottle and a Shokobutso body foam. The next thing I knew was tears streaming down my face. I went back into my room and saw the two pillows both Mom and Sis slept on. I hugged them tight and cried out loud. I miss them. I always try to be this brave figure to them all the time and after they left, I have been pretty much struggling not to let anything make me sad. I guess sometimes the best way to get over a sadness is to invite it in and embrace it. I guess I’ve let sadness in tonight and kinda made it dwell in my system. It felt better when my body got immune to this sadness and kinda made it normal. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to miss your mom and sister.
On another irrelevant note, I have to complain about something that I have been shrugging off. I have been a victim of my own pet hate and I refuse to take it from anyone. Yes, it might seem a bit hypocritical of me to do this but I rather people know this now than later. There’s NOTHING GOOD ABOUT BEING HOT!!!
Ok, when I was younger, fatter and probably acne faced, I used to have this huge appreciation for hot people and I would get totally disappointed when they’re single or when they have issues. I would see a hot person and I would be totally nagging them about why it was so hard for them to get over their partners or kinda hooked on a partner that’s not as good looking as them. I am NOT saying I think I’m hot but given I got called ‘hot’ more than 10 times this month, I could pull it off as a newb in that category. When I broke up with BooMan, I was messed up and I was practically ruined. Then, I started getting people interested in making me feel better, which I totally appreciate until they said the things they shouldn’t have. “He’s older than you!” “You’re way hotter!” “Oh! You’re hot and young; you have every reason to move on.” “You’re crying for this guy who’s not as hot as you”
Now, let me tell you something. I personally got drawn to BooMan on a shallow level. Before I got to know him in details, his heart, his personality, his grandmother kiss on vzo chat and other stuffs, I was hooked on him even though he strikes a great resemblance with Stephen Gately and I wasn’t actually a fan of Mr Stephen. Then, later, I got to know him and love him. BooMan turns me on on a ‘anytime’ basis and there was just no one who would turn me on like he would. I wouldn’t be sexually driven by or attracted to anyone, well maybe except porn stars and Ryan Reynolds. But, yes, I think he’s hot.
People think it’s so easy for good looking people to find love and just screw any living things in sight. It’s true there are cocky assholes out there living up to that reputation but like any other average or ‘lower than average’ looking people who could not get through a heartbreak, we, the so called hot people, have feelings too. It’s not easy getting over someone you have loved and lost no matter how older he can be, how not as good looking as you do according to your friends he can be or how uncool he could be. I think it’s disgusting when people think hot people are more fortunate than normal people.
This also applies to the whole ‘Oh! You’re a singer! You have fans’ comment. You guys have no friggin idea how I’ve craved for beer, missed eating dinner, wanted to run in the rain without people thinking I’m craving attention, yearned to enter a coffee shop without seeing at least one person whispering to his/her friend while staring at me and always looked forward to crying on a bench in the park without having people stare at me.
I admit. I’ve always wanted to be good looking and popular but I think there’s nothing different between ones who are popular and good looking and the ones who are not. We cry like you do. We binge eat like you do. Most importantly, we get hurt just like you would.
Listening to: Christopher Cross – Arthur’s theme
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