The me in him

There’s a reason why I have the ‘karma’ tattoo on my right arm. It is special cos both LB and I have it on our body to r16epresent our brotherhood but it’s also special cos it symbolizes my life.

I’ve always wondered how men can find themselves turned on by casual sex. Is it something normal to do? Don’t they get attached in one way or another? As me in my late 20’s would be seeing guys off gay chatrooms online, it always made me wonder why guys never stayed longer in my house. They would come around again but only to get into yet another sexual episode starring me and them, well individually of course.

I called BigFace today to have coffee with after dinner at my boss’s place. BigFace is this mysterious gay boy who has a killer voice on the phone which kinda turns me on, who added me on gtalk randomly. I guess it was just his laziness for not wanting to get off his house. On the other hand, Gsupreme’s reaction reminded me of myself. Gsupreme, on the other hand, was a gtalk adder as well, but he has added me quite long ago and wanted to have sex with me, to which I have said no cos I wasn’t single but for some reason, he and I had been kissing hard on phone messages. Quite aware of the rejection of a possible relationship with those I would be bedding with, I would think twice before I meet someone. Sometimes I would test their patience. It would turn into this unintentional game.

Gsupreme did not meet up with me today because he said he was afraid. I was angry at first. All I ever wanted was a coffee partner to spend time with but then again, I thought it was only best for him not to come out. What if he wanted to aim for something more? What if he was afraid to see me cos he knows I would just use him for sex? What if he doesn’t want to waste time.

Being single with no expectations of exclusivity in a country where I wouldn’t stay long can be quite lonely. Sometimes, you just want a companion to share cuddles with. Deep inside I know I’m not a bad guy. I would be serious to think of a possible consistent dating if only I could be sure of the fact that I’d be staying long in Myanmar. But, I guess it’s easier said than done when I know I’m confusing a boy who I used to be before.

I gave Gsupreme a brief answer, which kinda gave him an impression that I was pissed off and I kinda plan not to message him again. I wasn’t pissed off to be honest but I guess I just want to play a game with him. But then again, another side of me knows Gsupreme is not really in the wrong to feel this way.

In a world full of hungry gay men with different expectations for everytime they have sex with someone, I would’ve done the same thing Gsupreme had done. Cautious and careful with a stranger and also with myself. If only he knew I’m applauding him from the inside, he could at least assume this player has a heart after all.

Listening to: REM – The great beyond

The halt before a shove

The feeling you get from an approval from someone you like being around with, be it marriage proposal, first day to announce exclusivity or an agreement to a poly amorous relationship, has a tendency to make us fall hard. This is where anyone of any gender would stop using their brains. Once the realization seeps into our thick heads with positive expectations, whatever inner voice, which is holding you back to take things slow or creating second thoughts, just turns mute. Some of us like to wear safety jackets and some of us like to stop ourselves from getting hurt. It all has to do with our perceptions on how things would be in the future with the person you do not think is compatible for you. Unfortunately, no one knows what the future could be but the ‘halt’ itself is a brake one would use, given the inner voice would turn mute if he/she proceeds on.

I was surprised to get a phone message from BK today. BK and I have been friends since the day he joined my music page on facebook. I just thought he was kinda cute and hip and I’ve added him to my list. We tried to meet up once when I was kinda frisky while I was with BooMan but it never worked since I didn’t want to cheat on BooMan. I told BK quite blatantly that I knew if he was to come and sleep over at my place, we would end up having sex and that I have a boyfriend (back then). He was fine with it and kinda glad I was honest with him.

Random much but BK messaged me some months ago while I was at a huge break up stage with BooMan. He mentioned he missed me and that he didn’t know why but he felt like he wanted to know me better and after four phone messages of appreciation, he chucked out the L word. I found that quite sweet actually and I was in a bit of an attention seeking stage after a break up anyways.

Not long ago, BK and I talked again and we were trying to meet up. I’ve never played games with him sadly and I mentioned how I do not really stay here in Burma and that I have plans to leave and that it would be better for him to not see me as his potential someone who would share kitchen utensils with him and go furniture shopping together. He liked my honesty once again and we’ve been trying to meet up ever since. I’ve been trying to get hold of him mainly cos I’ve been pretty much in need of sexual attention and this was the message I got this morning.

Damn it, I deleted it but the message was an apology for not hanging out with me last night after he got a message from me asking him to hang out with me. (I swear it was just a hang out message). He mentioned he couldn’t really get out but then he apologized and said ‘this is not the time for us. I’m really sorry’. Now, which part of my message screamed ‘dating’? It was a ‘hang out’ message.

Been there, done that and if I am not wrong, BK has totally seen me as his potential boyfriend and he knows that he would’ve been hurt if he was to try me out. So, he stopped himself from trying to get to know me and hurting himself from the ugly truth that I wouldn’t be holding onto him as a boyfriend or a committed partner.

Or, the other alternate scenario could be BK having found someone he really likes and he doesn’t want to put me in the picture.

Either ways, BK’s out of my game list. I have been honest with him in the past and it’d be too difficult for me to be experimenting him anyways. As for future proposal of a get together, sorry readers, I don’t do men with uncertainties.

Listening to: Morcheeba - Living hell

Men, datable or not

Unsettled, single and busy at its best, I find myself caught in the web of ‘dating’. I never meant to search for any daters after flirting online with two men who are in different continents from mine but somehow, they just kept on rolling on and I find it only fair to give them a chance while I observe on the highs and lows of dating.

Men are not maternal. Men are usually selfish and they would find it uneasy to actually think more than they need to. Men are cruel. Men are promiscuous. These words I’ve heard and used several times to ease the pain from all the scars these so called ‘men’ have embedded on me. Somehow, being a man myself, I find it pretty unsettling to analyze gay men on a consistent level. Gay men have this unbalanced mixture of personality from both worlds. Some gay men can seem as soft and love-craving as some women are and some gay men can seem as selfish as most players are but somehow, I find it quite interesting how there IS a substantial amount of ‘man’ness in any gay men, be they lean towards the ladies’ side or the gents’ side when it comes to attributes.

Dating men can be quite challenging and I have to say I’ve been dealing with it in the hardest way possible. The chase would seem like a cocktease from my view but once I’m in the zone, I would start to expect more of them and kinda stopped thinking myself like a man and start thriving towards the whole commitment freak attack.

Dating men is not as hard as we all think it is. It IS hard once you expect a lot from them. It IS hard once you’ve put yourself in the ‘I’m IN’ zone. This time round, I’ve turned the table and I have started flirting with four guys at the same time, just to see how they all work.

1. Never be the first to do things. Yes, like it or not, it’s better to let them be in control about the way the relationship is heading towards. If you know you could totally see yourself in the future with the man you’re dating, you wait and see if he would be the first to initiate things with you.
2. Do not play too hard to get. You know you’re gonna be a sucker once the man caught you and you’re falling for him like pansy petals on a soggy winter morning. So, if you’re trying to vamp up your inner medusa, don’t do it unless you can stick to it.
3. Do what he would do. Just for once, try being a man. It might be a bit insulting if you’re a female reading it and it makes you wonder ‘why the hell should I lower my level to try being a person who thinks with his cock, and in this case, a vagina?’. Well, if you don’t wanna get hurt by his unexpected reactions, you might as well treat him like he would treat you. This includes to keep telling yourself you have a life and talk shows to watch while dating a man, on other account, you might have other men to date as well. Men can do it. Why can’t we?
4. Do NOT put yourself in a ‘tiptoe’ position. Just for once, sit down and relax. Do not always look out for what’s gonna happen next to you or him. Do not feel obligated to always be the type he expects you to be. If guys can turn out to be someone you do not expect to be, it’s only fair you let yourself be whoever you want.
5. It’s not hard to have a relationship. The ‘in denial’ feeling is a bitch. You keep telling yourself that he’s ok and he’ll come to his senses, while you would have to try everyday to make things work. Well, it IS hard work alright but if you’re not having fun working for something that’s to stick with you til you die, why not let go now and look for someone you don’t have to work hard for.
6. Sex is an activity and it is not a treasure chest or an implication of any kind which would levitate your ego. If you use ‘sex’ as a test for intellect, sense and maturity, you won’t go a long way. Instead use ‘sex’ as a test for selfish matters. Does he make you feel good? Does he have sex with you as much as you want him to? Does he see the word ‘sex’ as you do? I repeat again, Sex is NOT a taboo. It’s just an activity, which most of us likes to wrongly view as a substance of love and closure.

Of course, these are the things I’ve learnt from two failed relationships, but this is just draft assumptions in a nutshell. As someone who likes to better himself rather than be cynical about the world of men, when I, myself, am a man after all, it’s only fair that I learn to be the man that I should be and play their games. After all, what matters most in my life right now, is just to get that man I’ve always wished for and if I have to go through a huge catalogue of games and plots there are for me to explore, it’s worth taking my time.

Listening to: The Chemical Brothers - The sunshine underground

The fatty and the rebel

Names were called out during P.E. class and Fatty always happens to be the last one to be picked. P.E. classes end up most of the times with girls talking to Fatty about other boys anyways. It was just another day for Fatty. Fatty has a weird way of growing up. Growing up with a overprotective grand-dad mostly taken care of by the fake people who suck up to his grand-dad was awesome. Fatty always gets what he wants but once he faced the real world, he wondered how it would be to have friends. Family moving around didn’t really help either. With the lack of real childhood friends and a social life, Fatty spent his early twenties with Playstation, a huge CD collection and writing diaries on black paper with gold ink. Life was just peachy.

The rebel was an outcast at school. Always in short of money and lacking close friends, the rebel lived through his high school days mostly on his own. If there was one thing he was proud of, it was his guitar. The rebel sees the world as an open space he could feel every inch of and has lived his past as a loner. His parents didn’t really have time for him but he couldn’t care less. He did not know when to be nice or how to be nice to others. He spoke his mind and lived his days like nothing matters and like tomorrow was going to end. Life was open.

The rebel and Fatty met as two losers would meet in a queue for cheap junk food. His dad touring with Fatty in Singapore, Fatty took the rebel out. To Fatty, the rebel was this brave kid who’s lived through life thoroughly and enjoyed every second of it by speaking his mind and lacking fear. To the rebel, Fatty lived life to his fullest with things he could’ve never owned and the amount of materials around him to just make everything right and perfect for his leisure. Fatty and the rebel became the best of friends and despite the fact that they’re losers, they found the ‘champ’ in each other and faced the world together as the closest friends they both have ever had.

I came back from Australia a year and a half ago and bounced back on hanging out with KP, working with KP and even gaining acceptance and newfound respect from KP, who had to be one of the last people to find out I’m gay. As we sipped our wine tonight, we talked about Fatty and the rebel. It’s funny how we were both once losers and I’ve lived a high life and he’s lived the low life and now I have to keep working for the money and he is living the life of a high profile popular punk band singer. I realized that KP IS the closest friend I’ve got and I’m glad he and I went through a lot with respect and support for each other.

To find it funny how this friendship was based on the exchange life of a fatty who wanted to face the world on its own with open hands and an open mind and a rebel who wanted to play Playstation at home, while writing a diary and buying CD’s to add to his collection, and look at us now!

Listening to: Massive Attack - Everywhen

The last days of a cub

As much hatred as I have for myself for being so stupid to crack open the ‘I like you’ card to wifeyD, I kinda see it more as a revelation of some sort.

All my life, I’ve hungered for a well planned married life with the man I love and all that crap. I’m turning 30 this year and pretty soon, I’ll start having to use anti-ageing cream and god, my forehead had started wrinkling after all. Life is giving me one more chance to have a blast. You get old, you’ll get fixed. Why worry about something that would fixate me up on a permanent life plan when I can have the ride of my life of release and reformation.

When wifeyD talked to me like I was his ex, asking me how many boyfriends I “have” and how it was supposed to be normal for me to have more than one boyfriend, I felt insulted. It was one thing to be bitter but accusing someone who has nothing but care for him of falling into the same prototype as the same species as his ex, it was a bit unfair to think he was the only capable gay man who could recite monogamy and loyalty on a millisecond basis. But I guess I know the benefits of realizing what I’m capable of doing now. It was my last chance to be single and to enjoy my youth.

I got a good body now because I wanted to impress BooMan before. I got a boost of confidence from the two night stands that I had with other boys. I got an affordable life where I can go around and wine and dine anywhere with anyone I want and might I add, I got offers from some guys. Yes, my attention is pretty much embossed towards that position.

People hate players but it’s not really an accusation when one is meant to be one. Not in it for love, not caring about my future for once and pretty much selfish in my own shoes, it’s time for this sex craving committed cub to have the time of his life before he grows his mane. What about wifeyD? I don’t know. I don’t care about the future anymore.

Listening to: System Of A Down – Toxicity

The friendship trade

There comes a day in life when you find out more about yourself and there’s nothing you can do but just accept it. It has nothing to do with our personalities but rather our reactions towards things. Given first impressions, we find it too easy to do things without thinking.

I don’t really have secrets and I’m normally a loose bag of information. Some people find me quite mysterious but ironically it’s just me shining whichever changes in me. I react fast and express quite openly to a lot of things without using my brain. Not because I do not have the time but just that I do not really have any instinct to ever use it. It’s how humans react. When we have ourselves who we can’t understand, it’s only fair you learn something new about a person each and everyday, including yourself.

Maltesers and I had an open talk. I felt so ashamed. Instead of confronting such a small issue with her, I confided in her housemate, who in turn, used my story to tell her how I feel, BUT by injecting a lot of her version into it. So, her housemate used my story to tell her off regarding meat that SHE had against her, not me. I stopped talking to Maltesers because I was ashamed. Not using my brain to betray my own good friend and badmouthing about her to her housemate, I didn’t have the guts to blame myself, until today.

Just happy with Maltesers’ acceptance for me back into her life, I was closed to tears telling her how wrong I had been to not come confront with her. She was told all of those issues I had no problem with, her housemate exaggerating the story to “make her better”. I felt great that I let it all out to Maltesers and I was proud that I could come to terms with the fact that I did something wrong, but somehow I got her friendship back and I have every motivation to just use her housemate as my acquaintance.

On the other hand, me not being able to keep a secret, I told wifeyD about how I felt about him. Why? Because it has become too hard to categorize what we both have. Close friends yet flirting heavily, we both don’t really know where this is heading. Impatient and quite ‘not holding back anything’, I told him I really like him a lot, to which he said he would respond later on it.

It could be implied that he fell asleep and didn’t manage to get back online but for a boy who’s opened up to his close friend that he likes him and not getting any reactions back, I felt ashamed once again. I have no idea where I stand with wifeyD as of now.

I guess it’s just yet another weakness of mine to be open and unable to keep any secrets about how I feel or react towards stimuli. I gained my friendship with Maltesers but has mine with wifeyD come to an end?

Listening to: Nelly Furtado - Try

Do the poly amorous

Before I had a huge acceptance that I was kinda semi-falling for wifeyD, I had a one night stand with a Burmese guy; yes, this was the first month in my entire life I picked up a Burmese boy to hit the sack and watch him wake up but knowing he’s in an open relationship and knowing I do not wish to settle down in Burma, I chose to keep it casual and fun. So, yes I had sex with WeirdBoi.

To name him with a pretty non-positive sounding blog ID has its reason. Why? Cos he called me up today and I thought it was just a follow up to our last episode, which I wouldn’t really mind. I mean I love wifeyD but seriously I do not want to hold onto something like I did with my ex, who’s been nothing but a big liar to me. And wifeyD being one of my close friends, I just don’t really wanna fuck it up with the whole mythical long distance thing. I mean, he’s way more decent than the last one I had. I mean, at least he doesn’t lie to me at all and that’s what I love about my relationship with wifeyD.

Back to WeirdBoi, he called me up today not to hook up but to introduce me to his boyfriend. He did mention I should meet his boyfriend one day, to which I answered I don’t do threesomes, to which he smiled. I gave him my phone number, not really caring he’d called but alas, he called me to tell me that three of us should meet one day. I don’t get it. If he was to be an open relationship, shouldn’t he just get it over with screwing me, literally, and just enjoy his poly amorous life? I don’t really get the whole ‘non-monogamous’ scene but if this was a normal trip to a poly amorous lifestyle, I would be able to learn and kinda analyze on and off on my blog. “Oh hi your boyfriend fucked me last night. Nice to meet you”. How’s that for an introduction? To be honest, that does make a good ice breaker to order more martinis.. that is, if they ever drink martinis….

Listening to: Rihanna - Skin

Celebrity skin

It’s not easy to be in showbiz, especially when you feel like you’re the only one who’s still trying his ass off to be as grounded as he could. Superficial at its best, no matter how much we avoid it, we do have to somehow mingle with the crowd. Well, that’s the whole concept behind my music video called “Headline news” where people started to get disfigured but as soon as you find someone you’re comfortable with, you see them as normal again. But as soon as you look in the mirror, you see your face quite disfigured too.

I bailed out on going to my best friend’s concert with BigSis and yes, that sounds pretty messed up on many levels. Somehow my best friend never did call me anyways and I guess it’s the whole ‘showbiz’ politeness and empathy where KP and I never let each other get too involved with each other in showbiz. We do have a radio show together and we do a bit of cameo’s here and there in both our albums but both of us would not really expect the other to be there if the other is of no use. KP in a punk band does not need an RnB singer ‘me’ to come to his concert to make his day. I guess seeing him after the concert to smoke weed would be more ideal in our case. On the other hand, since my album was gonna be out soon, I do not want to be seen in public too much.

I did end up going to KC’s album promotion as a guest celebrity because I need to get as much publicity as I could and somehow him singing hip hop and my RnB have a bit of a ‘cousin’ relationship. I do want to be there for KC anyways but it was more for my publicity. More of a ‘hey y’all, I’m back and this is me’. Fashionably late and going home early, I hated this life but I had to do this anyways in order to get more reactions. I kinda doubt people rarely care about celebrities here in Myanmar where EVERYONE thinks they’re god but then again, my presence would have at least flashed a moment of ‘existence’ to these people, be it gossip or appreciation which would come outta their petty lips.

Pretty much turned off by a friend of mine on facebook who was pissed off at me for being rude (thanks to drunk texting), I decided to just spend my night watching a movie and just playing some puter games.

Yes, a celebrity’s life is FUCKING lonely!!!

Listening to: Franz Ferdinand – The dark of the matinee

The man of my dream

It’s been exactly twelve years since dad passed away. Sometimes I think of him but I can’t help feeling like I need to miss him more. Maybe, I’m just too immune to ‘end of things’ and kinda look forward to smile for. I just kinda regret not loving him more while I could, thanks to studying abroad but I’m really glad I got over the whole ‘why did you leave me dad’ phase.

On a brighter note, work was on a huge adrenalin rush today. Caught up having to arrange a meeting and coming to a decision from seven agencies before 6pm, I ended up arranging a meeting, making sure these seven agencies showed up and kinda facilitating the meeting while taking notes and helping out with what was needed. I kinda hope SitarBro would be proud of me but I guess today was the day I could convince myself that I’m pretty much growing up a lot at work.

I think it was because of MG as well. Now, I have seen MG in a lot of meetings. I used to not put him up at my ‘stare at’ list. Maybe it was his receding hair or just his ‘normal’ unfriendly face that I thought he put on. I was face to face with MG today at the meeting and I couldn’t help feeling like a 16 years old teenage girl. Just watching him at work and knowing he knows what he’s doing and pretty much confident to not hold up any useful information kinda made my day.

I would guess late 30’s by his receding surface above his forehead but somehow he has this really attractive young face that I kinda could appreciate. I guess apart from his face and the way he wore his work clothes, it was his confidence and the striking activeness that attracted me. So, I became a bit of a biased notetaker where I started attending to whatever he needed. He needed a map and I would end up running to the other room, printing out a map I would have asked my colleague to download from a website via the slow internet. Then, I would go to him and kinda showed him the map. Then, he would ask for my opinion which kinda turned me on a bit. Not only was this man diplomatic but he’s got a bit of a sharing personality where he would take in opinions from anyone. Having asked for my opinion, I felt proud.

Then, MG and I would start having different guesses but the result turned out to be the thin line between both of our guesses and I kinda saw myself flirting with him saying “we’re both right” and kinda walking away hoping he watched me go. I kinda went a bit soft when he called me captain. All in all, I was a 16 years old teenage girl in love with her teacher.

All sweet 16 dream faded when BigSis revealed that MG’s got a wife but somehow my other colleague told me how he would dress really well, which he would only categorize as a gay man. At first I was thinking ‘metro’ but after I got a wink from him today and the way he communicated with me, I couldn’t stop wishing the word ‘wife’ was just a word one boyfriend would say to another man. I guess it’s more of a young girl crush that I was feeling somehow. I do wish my boyfriend in the future would at least somehow have some of MG’s attributes. I like a man who’s in control and who’s pretty fit to wear his shoes. Fuck receding hair. A good face and a confidence to match mine are enough for me. Behold the man search!! Haha.

Listening to: Fatboy Slim – Acid boo

Happy life for BooMan

Despite partially true about what actually happened today, it was more of a strategic move. I’ve always managed to put BooMan as a priority when it comes to us. After hearing about what happened to him, I spilled everything I’ve bottled up inside and I let the beast inside me out. As it was dying, I continued pretending to be that beast for a win win.

I know this blog is quite visible for anyone who reads it but I guess I have the tendency to keep it as a diary where I don’t keep anything. The relationship between BooMan and me has become more than impossible lately. It’s only been less than a week I promised him that we could try to make our relationship work but as soon as I let him in my life, he summoned the wreckage.

So, I felt like this safety net that has to take all his spillage of drama. I guess my anger has inclined like a drug addict’s craving for drugs. My anger used to be manageable but I noticed as I love him more, it’s become too unmanageable. I started thinking how unfortunate I was to have this done to me by someone I love and what’s the point of keeping a boyfriend who can’t be happy having me around.

Craving for equality in complimenting each other in a relationship where one would keep me calm if I’m being too sick and I keep him calm when he’s down, I decided the best thing to do was to end this and make him hate me enough to be able to let go of me. I guess he could forget me and find someone else to make himself happier and better.

As I’ve said, it’s a win win. Now I can look forward for a happier boyfriend who would be there to keep my calm where I don’t have to only be there when he’s sad and forgotten when he’s happy. At the same time, BooMan can end this online long distance relationship and find someone better to make him happier by seeing the beast in me and hating me enough to let go of me.

All I’ve ever wanted for him was to be happy and I guess this day would count as a beginning to be able to start his journey without me… a much happier one. Amen to a love lost. It was good while it lasted.

Listening to: Bjork – It’s not up to you

The unsuccessful one night stand

Fate is funny when things are not meant to be in life. I couldn’t stop laughing after finding out about my misfortune. The day I was introduced to a very attractive French gay man was the day I mistook him for a boyfriend of a close friend of mine.

The plot started during 80’s party at 50th street when I was introduced to a guy called Pierre by Vchick. Now, keep in mind that Maltesers’ boyfriend has the same name and he’s also French. Vchick was hooking us up and it was either too subtle of her or too intoxicated of me.

Pierre and I had an awesome chat that day while my mindset revolved around the fact that I was conversing with the boyfriend of a friend of mine. We went to a club together afterwards. I find it really nice of him to keep staying near me, which kinda made me think how good of a boyfriend he is to Maltesers. We had a beer and he went home and I went home.

Today, Vchick mentioned that he was NOT Maltesers’ boyfriend and that he was a gay guy she was trying to hook me up with. With the amount of time we spent together and the good conversation we both shared, if only I had known he was gay, I could’ve at least scored a one niter with a hot guy.

Ah well, not meant to be I guess… but the story cracked me up.

Listening to: Silverchair – Emotion sickness

Speaking from the top

Rejection is a hard thing to deal with but there are some certain ways of doing it. Diplomatic and politeness would be the right approach especially if the one who’s asking is someone who’s open minded for both positive and negative answers. Despite the fact that my country screams ‘anti communism’, the whole society of people enthused with democracy practices communism and I swear they worship Hitler on a very annoying level. So, most of the out of date members of my country have the whole ‘I know shit you are under my hierarchy level’ vibe, which is quite synonymous to ‘stupidity’ and ‘dumbness’.

Sometimes, when a simple solution consists of a ‘no’, some people just love to give the whole ‘don’t you get it’ vibe. I was asked to call our country embassy in Singapore today and just because I know someone through a mutual friend, I just called her straight off. I was pretty sure what I was gonna ask her was something that cannot be easily granted and I was quite ready for a ‘no’ coming from her.

First, she gave me this ‘do you think you could just get what you want just cos you mention the name of our mutual friend’ vibe. Then, she gave me the rejection. It gets worse when she went ‘what I said was easy’ and repeated the whole protocol again. I mean, yes I know shit and I was about to hang up anyways. If I were in her situation I would be much more polite and quite empathetic. It’s true that there might be other assholes who were to use her for the advantage of a mutual friend but that does not mean everyone who calls her is THAT people.

Seriously, if the people in my country want a better country, people like this would have to change their attitudes first and stop acting superbrave about revolting to something they have so little knowledge of. Act smart, assholes!!!.

Listening to: Ke$ha - Sleazy

Lost and Sound

Irony strikes today in Alanis Morissette style as I was told by DoubleA that he has a gift for me at his place. I forgot my laptop cable at his place and when I reached there to take it back, I was surprised to see that his gift was the iPod which I had lost two months ago.

On my way back from the Chaungtha trip for TTM birthday, I snapped my headphone wire as I was descending off the taxi cab when we reached DoubleA’s place. The next thing I noticed was the loss of my iPod, which might have flown out of my pocket as the headphone wire snapped. The same taxi driver drove to DoubleA’s house to return this iPod which he found back between the passenger seat gaps.

The funny thing about this is how I actually went out to buy the iPod Touch the day before and it was funny to see how I got my lost iPod back just exactly 24 hours I bought a new one. Happy as the owner of two iPods, it’s only fair I give my old one to my sister. I was very impressed with the taxi driver and kinda amazed at my luck with lost properties.

Listening to: Incubus – Nice to know you

Never ending mystery

Single and pretty much not really wanted to be reminded of my ‘love life’, I find myself lately avoiding questioning myself and just doing what I feel. Knowing that I’m pretty much unsettled and being one to move from one place to another, I find myself pretty much not wanting to wearing my heart up my sleeves.

Being one to be able to do anything I want with anyone, I am quite guarded by my career as an entertainer doing showbiz. Being one to be easily talked about by random people and pretty much judged and still living with my grandparents, I try to make sure whatever I end up doing is pretty discrete.

Living in a country where everyone knows one another, I find myself being more keen on flirting with those from out of the country. Working with ex-pats is pretty much fortunate I guess but at the same time, I am able to sift out some Burmese guys who aren’t really gay-groupied.

I went out for a drink with JemHolo today. This was my second time hanging out with him. Introduced through a mutual friend, I find JemHolo to be a totally awesome guy, who can converse about almost anything. Kinda impressed he knows Jem and the Hologram cartoon as well actually. I have clearly learn the real rules of attraction since JemHolo is not someone I would’ve made any effort to converse if we were both in a bar in Sydney’s stonewall. He’s totally not my type but I can’t help being pretty eager to catch up with him and I could see myself letting almost anything happen if things were to be initiated. Well, anything but a commitment. I’m not really ready to get hurt yet.

It was a good drink. Both of us got smashed and ended up going to a club where I ended up doing the robot on the dancing floor. The night ended with me sending him back to his place and me going home. No sex nor kisses, it was a good night to have had with someone who could have just used me for a one niter.

I don’t really get it and I don’t really know how to feel towards this. I just know that this is not the first time this had happened. Whenever I feel ready to not focus on any relationship or a commitment, I end up meeting really nice gay men who take their sweet time getting to know me.

This world never ceases to amaze me, with new logics and consequences lurking behind the dark corners of an incident.

Listening to: Air – Ce Matin La

Babel

I have been trying to be open minded about everything around me. Since I’ve gained this belief about religions making sense to cover up scientific beliefs for justification, I’ve been pretty much hesitant before I conclude an opinion about something or someone.

Working at the current job, I guess it’s important to be pretty much open to anything that can happen around you. It seems like every angle I look from seems to have a backlash effect of yet other angles any occurrence can be seen from. Today, I was encountered with the language barrier between the local and international staffs.

So our org is going for something which would look attractive with some more other orgs working with us. As I was trying to push these people to reply to my emails by the end of day, I encountered one lady who was VERY supportive at the meeting we had the day before. Suddenly, this morning, she chucked an indirect subtle insult to how she sees our org as a monopolizing entity over the other orgs. There are a lot of things I could blog about to justify that we are not monopolizing per se, but I rather respect the privacy. However, the fact that she has changed her point of view in 24 hours was just amazing. She knew of this since the meeting the day before but somehow, she changed her view. I do respect her view but at the same time I wish this subtlety was handled more ethically given I’m just someone working under the org to get things done and not to voice out opinions.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with me calling the local NGO’s. Maltesers sent out an email, which was very simply written. It has a main question asking ‘yes or no’ for confirmation of their decision, followed by three simple questions: one asking for existence of a document, one asking the locations and the last asking the amount of implementation to be carried out. I received four emails from the local NGO’s with only a ‘yes’ followed by a hearty thank you which ended up being two paragraphs.

I couldn’t stand this knowing unless they provided with the three questions answered, they would not get what they’re going for. So, I called them up and was surprised when they asked me to explain the email sent to them. So, I ended up explaining them word by word and ironically, I also understood a whole deal lot of what I was working for. Then, it got a bit worse when they told me they didn’t know how to answer. So, for four NGO’s, I ended up asking them to answer the questions in Burmese, which in turned, I translated them to English and sent to their emails for them to send me back that email from them. From 10am until 6pm, the day was spent with me and the four local NGO’s.

The best part about this is how they were so grateful and thankful. I kinda felt like a bit of a hero to them and I guess that is one of the many things that’s kinda making things work in life. The language barriers and the disciplinary boundaries of the usage of expressions according to cultural related reasons, we find ourselves unable to grab a lot of things presented by a different language. At the end of the day, the objective is mutual and the concept is always there, agreed and appreciated but just not notified..

Listening to: Shirley Bassey – Where do I begin (remix)

General son

It’s amazing how taxi drivers, when they talk, can build up a whole new category of friendship in your life. In the world we’re living in, we have different types of friends:- friends with benefits, colleagues, penpals, socialites or just ordinary friends. I guess I’ve opened up a new category of friendship with taxi drivers.

Call it nerves but I find it hard to relax in a taxi cab where there’s no conversation. Be the taxi driver suspicious looking or just normal looking, I’ve heard tales of taxi driver kidnapping their clients or just smuggling them and dropping them off in places. So, I intend to converse as much as I can with taxi drivers. I used to go to 50 street (a local bar where most ex-pats gather) bar a lot and there would be a driver who would always drop me home from the bar. It’s actually a gang of drivers sharing shifts. They call me the ‘general son’.

My suburb is known as the ‘general suburb’ cos it’s where the generals used to live when they were working but it’s more of like a ‘retired generals suburb’. That’s the only way I could tell a taxi cab to get to my place. Thus, the nickname was born.

Conversations with taxi drivers have been quite random. People’s eyes popping off from heat, foreigners in Burma, learning piano, the society attitude on the country, latest music trends, good movies to watch, real ghost stories and just many more. It’s also pretty weird yet fun to philosophize from things they talk about. I just love listening to people’s stories and their point of views. It kinda broadens my own mind and kinda make me not feel so angry with the world or whatever it is that I would keep questioning about. It also feels good to know that I’m not the only one in the same boat as some taxi drivers are on it when it comes to stories I can relate to.

Driving home from a dinner with BigSis , it’s nice to be the general son in the taxi driver gang. They do converse about interesting things. Beats work meetings hahaha.

Listening to: Avril Lavigne – What the hell