Truth

I think ranting about this is quite immature, especially on a public blog but

can I just say

Directing med revue 2009 is like sifting out who my real friends are

now I know who makes my life hell and tiring while doing med revue
and also I learn who are my potential lifelong friends

They will never beat Dicky, Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe
but somehow they'll be loved
and I'm sure they know who they are....

Fuck this shit.. I am so gonna not be in uni after med revue..
People has taken my 'mind spitting' as a 'gossip'
and my 'pure friendship' as a 'show'

Don't question who's who..
you'll know who you are
cos I'll be true to those who has been nothing but nice to me all along

The Big Decision

For those of you who are DYING to know what happened today during my 'manning the fuck up' routine, it was an epic fail. Why? Cos I arrived late. I don't know.. I was just a bit hesitant but then I had a biggest rant about CuteCreation with Aliyah. She made me feel a bit better I guess.

Now, the most 'epic fail' moment was when I stepped out of the office I was supposed to meet CuteCreation (via Puff) at, I threw a glass of water aiming the bin but for some stupid reason, it hit the edge, bounced back and hit me on my chest. Yes, Hein, take that, you loser!! :D

The night trailed off fast til all of the execs from Med Revue circled around and talked about cutting cast. We ended up with cutting it off and we were nearly in tears before doing it and after doing it. It was hard for us. We've grown so much to those who has shown us so much of their abilities. But when you have so many of them, you do have to consider cutting off mediocres as well. I have to admit.. we fell in love with all of them.. but at the same time, some must go. some will stay. And some did not get the roles they wanted as well...

When you're leading a group, you cannot please everyone...

I love you, execs *hugz*

A Man's Role

So, Puff told me to man the fuck up. Well, the whole reason for that liner is cos he wanted me to come meet him somewhere (not worth mentioning) at 11:30 since he'll be there at 12 and CuteCreation will be there at 11:30. Now, what am I to do?

The thing here is I have chased guys before but those guys are from internet. So, we were meant to meet after checking each other's profile out and all that. This time, it's this guy from uni that I do NOT KNOW of but yet have a crush on. I feel like a desperate guy who's gushing for a girl and would go to where she works just to chuck a convo.

So, am I a man here? I think so.. it's weird since to be honest, I always end up leading a girl's role in a relationship.

Puff is totally changing my perspectives..... be it healthy or not.. I love Puff

Now WHAT!!!!

Some music albums have this ONE SONG that is major good and you start buying the whole album and realize how shit it is but some albums have the worst singles released but as soon as you listen to the album, there are so many good tracks in it that makes you go 'Why weren't they singles?'.

Yeah, that was quite random since while I was writing that down, I was listening to Justin Nozuka and I noticed his other songs suck ass.

So yes, one of my very close friends, Spraypaint, checked on my blog and read the entry about CuteCreation. Spraypaint guessed correctly right away. The thing here is... CuteCreation has caused me conflicts. These are my thoughts when he's concerned.

1. I like him

as in I have a huge crush on him. maybe the fact that we didn't get to know each other kinda prolong the atmosphere of 'mystery' between us and that somehow might have tickled my 'intrigue' veins.

2. I don't know him

I hardly even know what he's like, what he is or who he is. I've heard about his past and knows that he and I have a lot of 'good' mutual friends, except for some one or two dickweeds, which is of course natural in any types of relationship between two people.

3. I don't like me

Yeah, I hate the fact that I'm gushing over this gay boy in uni. What the fuck am I doing? I normally don't really find anyone from uni since the only gay boys in uni kinda disgust me. I DO NOT hate them. They're just plain weird. You have three types; one who wants to be so different from others, one who is so bitter about his own kind and one who is learning to be gay in such a try hard way. Three of them screams the same thing :TRY HARD. I just want someone who's comfortable with themselves and those who has been here and there and know how to be 'normal'. Being gay is normal if you think of it. Plus, I'm OUT OF UNI. I don't wanna have to do anything with it. Med Revue's my final straw.

4. I can't stop thinking

Yes, he's always on my mind. Which is SO WEIRD.

5. He doesn't know me.

Yeah, I've been talking like he knows me. He might not even know me. P.S. he might not even like me. I'm extroverted and just loud. He seems like a nice quiet mommy's boy.

So, here I am... wanting to rest my case but do I have a say in this decision?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Bic Runga was right... my head IS battling with my heart and my logic has been torn apart... urgh

Music: The Cardigans - Love fool

Fate Tease

One can only hope that this entry is not read by any of my workmates or anyone who's doing med revue in association with this guy I'm going to talk about.

So, yes, I'm single and I'm happy. But things have to somehow swish. Fate likes to tease me up in a haze and leave me there on my own and then it would disappear. So, the conclusion is the fact that I'm gonna leave it up to fate for now but what I'm gonna blog about now is somehow interesting.

First of all, I worked with my new boss two days ago. I have always find Boss attractive and I would stutter in front of him and get really intimidated. To be honest, Boss is a bit of an organized pedentic freak at work. However, after working with him, I find him as someone who's totally fair and optimistic. What he does somehow makes me think of him as someone really respectably nice. So, despite the hot look and lush I might have unintentionally gushed deep inside, I was more swooned by his ability to play it nice and make my seven hours at work seem like a baseball field with corn dogs and coke. Despite being gay, he has NO symbol of camp or bitchiness. I love his humor and his sarcasm is as sharp as mine, if not, sharper. So, Boss rocked my boat. The funnier thing is the fact that Boss knows shit load about me; things that only some people would know from gay dating website or facebook and Boss reads my facebook blog entries as well. So, that kinda makes me feel happy.

I was talking to him about one of the dating websites we both are signed up on. You see, on that site, users are enlisted with pics and a bit of details and you can ONLY see their profile info if you click on them and once you click on them, those who were clicked can find out that you have actually viewed their profiles as one of the commands on it.

So, Boss, in hopes of not getting into trouble with one of his employees, aka me, had only read some details about me and seen my pic. He spoke of things from there and kinda chuckled at me and told me he's seen my profile. And my profile does have witty stuffs that I want him to go read about so I told him if he has read it. Because I was gonna tell him about that 'handicapped' thing that had happened days ago. Turned out that he hadn't read it cos clicking on my name would make me notice that he's viewed my profile and he said 'I'm your boss so I shouldn't do that'. Ok, fair enough! I even joked "So does this mean I have to quit just so you'll read my profile?"

It so happens that today I changed my profile info and changed what I wrote there and when I came back home and worked on that command on the website where they allow you to see who has seen your profile, there he was. BOSS HAS VIEWED MY PROFILE! But the thing was.. for that command user ids are enlisted and no pics were shown so I didn't know it was Boss. So, I clicked on everyone that has viewed me today and TADA! It was Boss's profile, with a pic of him in his undies and a pic of him covering his frontal with his hands clutched.

I was feeling rather stupidly quirky at that time and I wrote "Ahh now I see why you didn't want me to view your profile but nice pics, boss!". Now, only one could hope this wouldn't freak him out nor offend him.

If I have to think too much, why would he go to my profile? Secondly, why would he even care about what I wrote on it? And third, why did he go beyond his rule to check my profile out? You tell me..

Then again, he was gonna go on his 'bloomingly potential' third date the day we worked together. So, despite the whole excitement I gained from his attention, I rest my case on this person for the moment. Given that
1. I haven't quit my job.
2. I still am intimidated by him.
3. He uses deo as opposed to colognes though I have to say it smells so nice. Biased much, heinwhore?

So, that was Boss and me. Now, I wanna talk about an opportunity that I totally knocked off. So, yes I'm directing Med Revue and tonight was the intro night(well more like last night). And we had so many people coming in for the intro night. Me, Puff and Aliyah were just thrilled. Of all the members who were sitting down listening to us, my eyes locked on this one cute creation from God. There he was, sitting listening intensely to every words we said. Looking so cute and confident about things heard, I kinda noted him as a good potential cast member. But then again, I was also biased cos he was hot. I was TOTALLY attracted to him. This CuteCreation had an eye off with me for a second. We actually glanced at each other for a while. Then, he turned out to be Vogue's friend and Vogue asked me if he could still do cast given he would miss the mid session week. Now that was just impossible so I told her 'NO' straight away without even asking the other directors. But then again, I'm sure we'd say no for someone who's gonna miss like ONE WHOLE WEEK of med revue rehearsal. Then, Vogue told me that he would join other teams.

Hopefully he does!! You know WHY? Cos I found out later that he's into men. THE ONLY DECENT GAY GUY I MET IN UNI, I LET GO!!!! What a fucked up thing to do, Hein!!!!

So, the thing here is after so many try hard heavy dating, my desire to try to chase after a cute guy I'm attracted is beyond 'in question'. Plus, I am kinda depending on fate lately and I've totally been too comfortable with myself rather than to be hooked on focusing on a something that I would have to start from scratch for. Milkshake dates? Movie dates? Bowling dates? I would have no clue. I've been told that I am a good catch and I have written songs for guys, taken them to secluded areas like a treehouse with a scented candle for them, taken them moonwatching followed by a game of bowling or even sharing a twenty plus flavors of ice cream scoops in the same bowl with a guy. If none of them worked, there must be something life has been telling me. STOP TRYING!

So, as my stubborness is beeping a bright orange signal for me at the moment and 'dating' is a no green light, I'm just gonna stay where I am and wait til I'm settled.

Will I ever see CuteCreation again? Who knows?

Rained of my Parade

It DOES hurt... (honestly) when someone who got lost on you tells you he's seeing someone that he likes...

especially after he totally didn't keep in touch with you after he's had a piece of you...

it even hurts more that he nudged you on msn and try to talk to you...

what did I do?

Congratulate him and act like nothing's happened...

he doesn't really have to see me fall... that's my business...
but yeah, President just rained on my parade..

not that I really liked him.. just that I felt totally kicked in the chest

Two Lives

I was watching Britney's new video "If U Seek Amy". I was just looking at her and how she's stopped moving a lot like she used to and she does the walking around a lot lately. I find it quite boring though I understand how hard it must be for her to dance with heels.

Towards the end, I just went 'umm' and after the video ended, I got goosebumps..

Some of us always questions about life. Some of us never actually look at little things. If you watch towards the end of that video, there is a message for you there. It shows how most of us have more than one life. It's only scary because most of us are judged according to impressions and as a fan of judging other people easy, I find myself tricked most of the times by somewhat taking first impressions into account.

By watching this video, I could kinda see how a suicde bomber could go to a zoo and pat on a rabbit or how the world's most innocent old woman could start performing a bondage sex act in her bed.

Private life and the life you project towards others is not the same...
no matter how people are to each other, they all have their private lives... and the truth yet scary part is that we won't know it.

I might be exaggerating a bit much but somehow I actually did get goosebumps and kinda get a bit scared after this video... about how we'll never know what is inside of us...

sometimes, people do it too well, they also forget about themselves..

Four words

I normally don't show off. I do it subtly and I'd do it til people notice it. Well, not like some retards who would keep showing off til they're noticed but if you do it subtly enough, you DO get praises and genuine compliments. But yeah, there's this one thing I'm so proud of and would like to boast about.

It's my 'grannies'

My grandma write scripts, songs and stories. She had also co-directed a play once. She's dealt with actors before. As a side job from being a housewife, she does these things as a hobby. Not only that but she also does charity work (like any old ladies would LOL) and holds one of the important roles in 'ladies rights' group.

My grandad on the other hand is retired now from working but he's been writing magazine articles and he's always been there to make me feel strong since I was a kid.

So, now that I'm dead stressed, knowing doing med revue is beneficial in some ways for me though it DOES eat up a lot of my time (which could be used more technically correctly), I was kinda unsure about the whole commitment I'm gonna be giving out. I mean, I'm doing this and applying for PR, might look for a full time job while Jayjays is giving me crap shifts and also while looking for a place to move out to. So, it was quite a day for me as I felt so helpless and just scared. I called them up to borrow more money and four words from them made me smile and cry at the same time.

All they said was "FOCUS ON THE PLAY"

followed by "everything will be alright for you, we promise"

*sigh* I miss them so much sometimes, you know :D

Guess who's back

So yeah, President gave me a nudge on msn

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Humor Gone Wrong.. continued.. Resolved

So, he replied...

Hey there,
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to absorb what i mentioned in the message this morning. Most people would just say i was a bitter queen with nothing to do. I actually read profiles, and dont just look at the pictures. Your donations, as well as assistance in people was not mentioned, and i suppose retard was a word used a while back to describe alot of people on site like this.
I would also like to add, i have issues with people who say in profiles "no Asians". There is a simple way around it by answering with the "regret message". I also find those comments very stupid. They are asian, yet still human.
I have also done alot of work with people who are very ill with HIV/AIDS, taking them out for a coffee and lunch, a day trip for them away from the duldrums of hospital wards. All you seem to get is a stare from people treating you like your from another planet and avoidance from ignorant people thinking that they are lesser a person than normal.
I dont appear to be on a soapbox about it, although it does sound like it. Manhunt was the main reason i cut down on Gaydar. There is no forum or chat room for people to say negative and spiteful things in rages of stupidity.
Anyhow, i may have misread what you were implying. It does happen. But i must say, you at least had the decency to reply.

Have a great day,although it seems overcast out here. What a way to ecourage housework to be done.... great

Now, that's a true gentleman.. surprised he exists on manhunt :D

Humor Gone Wrong

my profile reads...

To view full-sized pictures, you must be a Full Access member.

Define the "Norm" and I'll be Intrigued

dating someone from websites is like dating a handicapped.. they always have at least one baggage.. be it brain damage or bad teeth

but at times, we do love men with weaknesses
so show me ur weakness as i'll show u mine
and with that, we can always look forward to good times to come

and by good times, i might mean getting 'giggity giggity'

someone wrote....

Hi.
Just read your profile in a bit of disgust actually.
Being handicapped is not a fault of their own, try a bit of respect. maybe one day, you will have an accident and be hadicapped or suffer from some sort of brain damage. Would you like to see comments like that written in someones profile? its 2009 mate. And being 27, i thought someone of your age would not be so harsh and heartless. Thats something you would hear from a school yard of 5 year old kids.
Be human, be nice. Its not worth being slack to those who most of the time cant help it. I worked with handicapped people as a volunteer. Maybe if you tried it, you might change your mind, and realise that they are stuck in a situation that i know they wish they were not in.

Cheers.

So, I wrote...

i do respect your opinion shared but i meant it metaphorically.
dating a handicapped as in 'there is something you have to not think of as a negativity'
i think it's only bad if you look at it from a bad side
my uncle, himself, can't move his legs and i do a fair share of donation towards hospitals back in my country
or some monthly small donations to amnesty in australia
you did say it's 2009.. one of these quite 'disturbing' eras where they use terms such as 'retards' or even 'gays' as an everyday negativity. i'm pretty sure ten years ago, the word 'crazy' or a 'fool' might have been offensive. now don't we all say 'crazy in love' or like 'i'm a fool for this and that'
and yes i'm 27 and that is the reason why i'm taking this time off to explain my perspective over my profile
it's a shame that you have found such negativity in this profile
and i do apologize (if this would make it better for you) that i have used harsh words
but at the same time, i have every rights to voice out what is supposed to be meant
it's better than people saying 'asians stink' or 'not into chubbies'

I sincerely did not intend to twist your marbles there
I mean, come on... this is a dating site and who would be retarded enough to be all bitter and wrong

all is fair in humor and metaphors

thanx for viewing my profile and actually giving so much time to message me,

H

I swear he felt like a superhero now.. little does he know he has accused the wrong kind.. good job, sir cop

Survival Kit for those lovebirds

So, I know this guy, right? We were supposed to meet up and fuck but never did. Talked to him just now, right? And he mentioned something about his 'boyfriend'. Now, if this was a movie, the soundtrack behind would be the sound of the 'fucked up needle failing to scratch the record on a fucked up player'.

First of all, I DO NOT JUDGE. Yes, he told me his boyfriend's in NYC and they haven't had sex for two years. It's their lives and I KNOW this man's a decent man. Just cos he fucks around doesn't really make him a 'bad' guy. So, I made it clear that I didn't really judge him and that it was ok. I mean, DUH it's a gay world after all.

Then, he started saying things like 'You will adapt'. So, does this mean I'm gonna be fucking around with my boyfriend on my bed alone? NO!!! Gee, there's a fine THICK line between loving someone and owning someone. I would own my boyfriend but cos I love him, I wouldn't do shit. That's just my theory. I am NOT saying HE DOES NOT love his boyfriend. But just that, if it was me, that would be how I would've dealt.

The Break-Ups caused by temptations

A monogamous relationship is NOT HARD. Ok, think of it this way. If you're getting bored of the person you're with, THINK OF how you've gone through a lot with him/her. (Mind you, I am speaking for ANY gender preferences).

• Think of how you've tried to work so hard to get his/her attention.
• Think of how you've reached this level where you're comfortable walking around naked in front of him/her.
• Think of how your conversations have no boundaries and you can talk about anything from diarrhoea to a midget porno tape.
• Think of how you've reached the stage where you both share house keys ( be it living together or not )
• Think of those nights you spent thinking about what songs to put in the mixtape you're gonna give to him/her.
• Think of the first time he/she said they're interested in you. You tell your colleagues and tell them not to tell anyone and your WHOLE work environment knows. AND NO your colleagues did not spill the beans.. you did.. cos you were fuckin excited.
  

Now, if you find ONE person who sweeps you off the feet and all that crap, don't you think you would wanna give up all of the above JUST TO be with this newb that you don't even know?

The Rush Hour

Another thing is the above things DO NOT WORK if you're one of those needy 'I cannot stay single' people who never really knows if/when they like someone cos ANY 'can do's seems like a prince charming or a one in a million. If you think someone IS your boyfriend/girlfriend within ONE WEEK, YOU ARE JUST FUCKED. (well, this doesn't work for some since I know some friends of mine who are quite comfortably settled... but that's a gamble when you have two people of the same wavelength meeting at a very 'RIGHT' time). So, the thing here is..

• How the fuck would you have memories with them?
• How the fuck would you have felt like you've reached your goal and have your prize?
• How the fuck would you even know that the tears you've cried is either due to you being a lonely self sympathy person or him/her hurting you? (Hint: it's mostly the first reason)

Time To Move On

On another note, it's ok if you don't really like who you're with. It's plausible when you love someone but not like someone anymore. Then, you should just break up.

• Never take breaks. That's just like saying 'Honey, you're my token home and i'm just gonna fuck around and would come back if I'm not worth fucking about with'
• Never look back. Do NOT fuck up his/her head.
• Take your time. He/She will be sore the first few days. Being in touch with them is TRES wrong and it encourages them to come back to you.
• Stop thinking. Life is too short.

My One and Only Soulmate (yeah kiss my ass)

On yet another another perspective, you ARE allowed to find someone who IS your soulmate while you're with someone who you THOUGHT WAS your soulmate.

• In life, your soulmate > 1.
• How will you know he/she's the one. It's not god's given story. It's your neurons playing in ur brain. Just stop beating around the bush and get to it.
• Dating does NOT come with a guarantee that you will last forever. You are ALLOWED to promise him/her forever cos at least, that's how you felt during that time. Feelings fade. Even fashions fade. So why can't feelings?

Shakespeares will Cry

Now, that reminds me. People should stop being bitter about 'goodfornothings' sweet talks. It's a must. First of all, it boosts up your imaginary flirtatious mind. Second, it makes your others feel safe. So, SAY IT like it's the end of the world. Use my technique. Treat everyday like you're gonna get a coma the next day.

• Say it. BUT ALSO MEAN IT.
• Do NOT think about time and how it'll be meaningful in the future.
• It's the present. Even psychics can have wrong predictions. So can your love life.
• Don't hold it back.
• The listener SHOULD NOT GET freaked out too. Admit it, YOU FUCKEN LOVE IT!!!!

So, if you EVER come across any of these, think of those points that I have mentioned. I know life is short and all that bullcrap. But then again, don't you wanna feel good about yourself being in the position where you know what you want, who you want and what exactly you're looking for?

Grow up people!!! Come talk to me..
I was lonely JUST LIKE YOU :D

Memory Lane

I was listening to Jay Brannan's Soda Shop and it made me feel so nostalgic. I seem to speak of my past like it was a bad thing. Maybe, I do want some attention from it but then again, my past wasn't that bad.

High School Year

New Girl

Whenever there was a new girl in class, most boys' reaction was to either bully her or just make fun of her in any ways possible. Mine was to get to know her and if I like her, I'd stick to her until some older class guys take her away from me. And as natural as most girls are in high school, they like the seniors better. I was not much of a jock back in high school. In fact, I was a fat kid who always gets bullied but for some weird reasons, I always managed to make friends with girls.

Proms

I think that part of me still lives on. School parties, uni parties, proms or college parties, to me, is for dancing. People use these parties as an excuse to have sex, go for girls or do some weird frat shit. I have always been up for dancing and I guess, pathetically, I'm still in it for dancing. Last uni party I went to, I ended up dancing til it ended.

Teachers

I have always been a teacher's pet. I love being loved by them and I love giving them so much attention in the class. It's not to get an A plus but just to get good remarks out of them. And I also love the fact that getting A plus makes them happy and go all 'you did it again, Hein'.

College Year

Music

I still feel pretty good that I'm still the campfire whore til the present day. I love being taken to places with my guitar and my friends would just sing and sing while I play and play whilst looking for the right chords to transit. During my college years, weekly, me and my Burmese friends would go to this reservoir and just sing Burmese songs.
Class Clown

I've begun to accept everything in life as a humor and I'd find any reasons to laugh about anything. I think it was also because my dad died during my stay in Singapore. That was when I promised myself I would not cry or be sad about anything which is NOT as tragic as my dad's death. So, I've begun to practise optimism and humor since then though it kinda changed to cynical sarcastic remarks humor now a days. Still, it makes people laugh and that's all that matters.

For whatever's the worth of my past, I think anything that has happened in the past makes me what I am now and I'm glad that I've been through a lot in life. If I could do them all over again, I would. There's nothing better than being able to learn stuffs and smile at your past for being not as perfect as we all dream it to be when we were young.

Inner- Connections

It's so funny when you are submitting an application form for an English exam, which you know you would do well but would have to do it for immigration purpose, and the person who serves you at the counter speaks really funny English. I'm sure she speaks good English but she has that total either Thai or Vietnamese accent and it just made me smile whenever I talked to her. She pronounced my name right though and she served me pretty well. Maybe it was because I was not one of those people she had to repeat things to. I cannot be too cocky about this exam though. I have to ace it in order to be qualified for the PR application.

While I was waiting for my receipt, some chick beside me was talking on her phone and she mentioned the name of one of the guys I've dated before. At that moment she mentioned his name, I gulped and for some reason, for the rest of the day, I kept thinking of him. Now, I am totally happy with where I am at the moment and kinda lazing off the whole 'single' factor and just happy to be around my friends. Everything's changing around me and it's so exciting. But that ONE SECOND... just that one second.... it just takes one mention of his name to kinda semi-sulk my day up.

I don't know... am I still into him? Why do I still think of him? He's got a boyfriend now and he and I are friends who rarely catch up but always have a blast when/if we do.

Ok, to make things more scary, he messaged me on msn saying 'I miss you'.....

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

Seasonal Whorage

So now that GirlBFF is back, I went chez elle last night and had a sleepover. God, it was good to see her again. It's funny how I actually did miss her. When she was around, I never care about her presence cos as a best friend, I knew she'd be around me all the time but her being away for around two months, I felt like I was missing something while she was gone. It was even better that Quackface and Bumblebee were there as well. I mean, these are my best friends since I first got here so it was a pretty much good hangout though we were missing one. He'll be back next week and then we shall do another hangout.

Friends are very important to me but it's very rare that I have friends who I'm actually really comfortable around. Not to disrespect anything or anyone but I am a very spontatneous person and I love just doing random things and talk random stuffs that can bounce on and off. Some of my most treasured friends will ask me out on coffee or for a hang out and even though I would be so happy to be around them, it seems a bit boring since it's more of like a catch up on life. I love hearing stories but my most desirable hangout is when me and a friend would sit somewhere and just talk crap. Yesterday, we were all doing that and the topics were just random and the pay out was just grand. Things bounce off between the four of us.

On the other hand, I can be such a seasonal whore when it comes to friends. I've noticed I've grown a bit sick of some friends at the moment. Nah, I do not hate them. In fact, I love them but I'm trying my best to scratch out negativities or anyone that cannot lift my spirit up for the time being. And there are those who has disappointed me; although I will still be a really good friend to them, it saddens to know that they have such negativities about the people around them and would do nothing to make their ego flexible. There's nothing more attractive than someone who's nice and diplomatically social to people around him/her. So, when you have someone who doesn't like others cos of their own little opinions and hold grudges, it seems a bit time wasting in life and you just wanna say 'get over it'. But then again, who am I to judge, yeah? These people are my good friends after all. I also think that the seasonal whorage is also a time thing as well since I don't really have that much time to be around a lot of people at the same time.

All in all, I think I'm happy with what I've got. I've got a best friend who I come to Sydney for. I've found this best friend in Sydney and also a little group of my best friends (hahaha we used to call ourselves Leetness?? HAHAHAHA). I guess to me, these people are like the only people that would not be the victims of my seasonal whorage.

Gay Pride and me

I was having a chat with one of my friends on one of those nights when I just feel bored and lazy. It was one of those unaffected talk, that just passes you by once it's done. She asked me what I was doing for Mardi Gras and all that and that got us talking about Mardi Gras. I kinda gave her a 'disgust' impression of Mardi Gras.

When I first got here, I thought Mardi Gras was quite exciting, especially since I then just came out and felt a bit comfortable in my own skin. I did not come out to my family but I just reached this degree where I could say "Hi I'm Hein and I'm a homosexual' without frowning. So, to me, Mardi Gras was something I would love to go see what it was all about.

I finally went to one, just because it was with one of my very close friends and his boyfriend. It was a good celebration, I have to admit. The parade was awesome but halfway through the after party, I became a bit nauceous. I wasn't on anything and I didn't drink much that night but naturally, I just felt this huge sense of rejection from my system to this newfound surrounding that I've come across that night. A pool of half naked men, sweating, pilled out and it was just so crowded that you wouldn't even know if any of the people in that swarm of sweaty men were either having sex or just passed out. I asked myself 'So is this what being gay is all about' and I kinda promised myself I wouldn't wanna go to a Mardi Gras again. Mind you, I was cool with the parade. It was awesome.

I haven't actually been able to see Mardi Gras afterparty with pride but at least these days, I have come to accept it. From the conversation I had with my friend and from what I understood, Mardi Gras symbolizes gay pride. Now, I know how some homosexuals want to take a huge leap to blend into the majority 'straight' world; by that, I mean "they wanted to be treated normally". Now, if you go around marching in front of everyone shouting 'Gay Pride Gay Pride', what makes you think anyone of such common sense would look at you as one of 'them'? Plus, by doing things like these, you are bound to tighten the strings that bound you together in this little minority package called 'homosexuality', don't you think? So yes, my friend said it's like celebrating Mother's Day or Father's day. However, those are roles of a human being. Now, am I playing a role of a gay guy? Nope. I just like people of the same gender as mine. Simple!! So, I think unless they have a straight pride parade, having a mardi gras gay parade is just not that necessary unless the whole idea of that is to show off how you are proud of your own little cult as a minority.

Now, I went to a gay club last night, after three months of not having been there and I've begun to realize that I have forgotten to view another aspect of this whole parade. The pride does not only really stand for the fact that we're all gay and proud of it. I think the pride is actually dedicated to THOSE who fought for it; those who had debated, sweated it out and talked about it and made important of such issues that cause others to discriminate against us. So, as I sit here today, I think that a Mardi Gras celebration is quite necessary. However, I would just like to view it as a tribute made to those people who has made 'being gay' a more comfortable phrase than it was years ago and to those who are still fighting for gay marriage and gay men 'child adoptions'. My hat goes off to all of these people who has done so much for us. So, I don't really think a Mardi Gras is about fitting in.

Mardi Gras is more about reminding ourselves of the fact that if things were done correctly, negotiations and a compromise is ALWAYS possible.

And about the after party, I think I was just a bit bitter at people. I think despite the fact that there ARE those out there who finds 'popping pills' and dancing without their shirts on in a crowd of others in the same state as they are 'ENJOYABLE', there's nothing I could say about it. I mean, we are all meant to be happy. So, if it makes them happy, I'm sure it would be an acceptable act. I mean, come on.. straight men drink. On the other end, I have also accepted that there are so many gay people out there who comes home after the march and just sits in front of their tv, cook dinner and just hug each other and feel warm just to be in each other's arms.

I did that with my ex four years ago...

So, yeah... Mardi Gras Gay Pride march is not as bad as I thought it was. I am NOT going there only because it's just not my thing BUT

to all my gay friends and foes and to those who I have yet to know

HAPPY MARDI GRAS

and hopefully one day, we will all be loved by all.....