Knowing a mistake by making one

”There are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake, but you don’t really know it’s a mistake, because the only way to really know it’s a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back and say “Yep, that was a mistake.”. So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’d go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.” – How I met your mother, season 1

A week ago, I made a tough decision. It was the worst day of my life but I noticed that I have stretched such sadness in my life for letting anyone walk over me because I always wanted to know what was beyond that fine thin line between a mistake and the right thing done. But then again, I kinda also see the break up stunt I pulled with the man I loved and still care about as a thing I pulled to see if this would be another mistake. I still can’t do any judgment on this one but I just know it was a lose lose situation anyways if I let it continue.

I have included help of my grandparents in my career. It’s tough because now it’s hard to have a quality family time at home without having to talk about what needs to be done to get my album released by the end of February. The only phrase that could be heard repeatedly between my grandparents and I would be ‘Good morning’ said every morning. I guess I was scared that I would not be not making a mistake if I had involved them in the process.

Today, I was stressed with working on my music video and I asked DoubleA and his wife to go for dinner with me at Peppers. Each of us ate like an adopted kid on her first day living with the Jolie Pitts and this was another mistake I’ve done just to see if it was a mistake or not.

If there was one thing I had not done fearing it would be a mistake which totally contradicts the whole concept of this blog entry, it’s moving forward with wifeyD. I do like having him around but I’m in no position to ever start yet another online relationship or long distance relationship and to make things worse, wifeyD is someone who’s been there for me for more than so many times and he’s just someone I really care about and want as one of those ‘starring’ people if my life was a TV series. Amidst my promise to make sure I’m honest to him, I’m not really honest with the way I’m presenting myself to him. I’m stopping myself from doing a lot of things I could do to him. I’m actually stopping myself from making yet another mistake, but knowing this mistake I would actually regret doing if done.

Listening to: Gavin DeGraw – I don’t wanna be

Whoopermodel (work it boy)

I hate models but I have to admit a lot of male Burmese models can look quite hot lately. Despite the whole skinny cliché dark skinned Burmese that I know of, I was stuck in a studio room with really tall and pretty fit Burmese male models; it was so bad it made me feel quite average heighted and a bit pudgy but I was mostly confident of my nose lol.

I had a bit of a showbiz treatment today. Since I’ll be directing two of my music videos, I went out with my album distributor to the studio with my cameraman(video) to check out what lights we would have to rent or what else we would need for the settings. The studio that we went to was having a dance rehearsal for some male and female models and as I’ve mentioned in the earlier paragraph, I was pretty much amazed at how good the guys look, not to forget their gayness which was a bit of a turn off to be honest.

I was talking outside the studio with my men about the payment when one of the models came out to me and went ‘You a friend of Dicky?’. Now, a sentence from a really cute model that has the word ‘dick’ kinda was a bit too much for me but I was a bit taken away by how this cute guy just came up to me and asked if I was a friend of my best friend since third grade. He then continued with a ‘I know his wife, I’m his wife’s uncle.’ Then, I chucked a ‘aren’t you too young to be an uncle?’ to which he said ‘I know, now that they have kids, I’m even a granduncle’. Who am I kidding? This kid cracks jokes. Then, he said ‘I was in the same class with you at ’s class’. ‘Toefl’, I asked, to which he replied ‘yes, you made that auspiciousness my ass joke.’ Now, that struck gold. Maybe this was one of those weird kids in Burma with this huge ass memory bank (yeah most quirky males in Burma can be like that, and I mean quirky bad) but it was not really bad enough for me to ask for his facebook account, to which he gladly replied ATT(coded).

I’m not sure what gender he would sway towards but it was surely nice to find a cute someone who’s Burmese and speaks English and not really afraid to say hello to me in the middle of an important conversation about making payments for my music video with my cameraman and my album distributor. Now, I gotta add him on facebook. Maybe, his ‘infos’ would lead me into his world of gender preference lol.

On another pathetic yet awesome note, I spent another 20 bucks on books again but also 10 bucks on books for my nephew. I managed to chuck in kids’ books and just because I can be a bit of a brandwhore cool uncle, I made sure his books have characters that other kids would go ‘Keeeeeewwwwwwlll’ to. Sesame streets, Disney characters, that ugly train I always forget the name to, Peter rabbit, dinosaurs and Peanuts, I was glad to see my nephew totally indulged in his new find when I gave him the whole paper bag of goodness. Ant(that nephew) was too happy he refused to give me a thank you kiss on the cheek. Seriously, they make pirates in pint size lately. Well, my cousin (his mom) did end up paying me for the books but hey, I still deserve that nephew kiss for free delivery and depiling kiddies’ books with greedy fat parents at the books sales.

Listening to: Regina Spektor – Folding chair

Ain't 2 proud to bag

Sometimes I’m kinda happy that I do not have a kid while my friends are all having kids. Derived from a book I’m reading by Sasha Cagen called “Quirkyalone”, I’m pretty much a happy quirkyalone since birth and literally a quirkyalone whenever I hang out with KP and Steve. With wives and a kid each, it was refreshing to see how these two little mini KP’s and Steve’s were getting along real fine. Steve’s son loves having KP’s daughter around and it’s cute watching them prancing around with their never stopping imaginary mindset. Now, imagine if I ever have a kid, how would he/she fit into this picture. I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna be awkward or stupid but picture this love triangle between KP’s kid, Steve’s kid and mine. Awkward huh?

Call it good timing but I got to go to a book fair today in Burma. Now, say what you want about the third worldness about Myanmar but book shopping in Myanmar is AWESOME cos the seller have no clue how valuable what he’s selling are. Be it second hand book or not, Myanmar has a large collection of historic or non fiction books. So, this was a huge garage sale where you’re given a brown paper bag worth 20,000 kyats (around 18 dollars US) or 10,000 kyats (around 8 dollars US) and you are allowed to bag any books as much as they fit. I got 12 books, mostly hardcover and thick, for 18 dollars US. And I saw a prize tag on one of the books inside and it read $41.95. Just that book itself alone is worth the bag already.

It’s not like Burmese people are dumb but it’s just that they’re not open minded to be able to enjoy being curious when it comes to purchasing books. For example, if a Burmese Christian sees a joke book about Christianity, he would just ignore it and leave it be while Christians from some other country would buy it, read it and sue the author later for ridiculing a belief. So, imagine you have people like that for other genres of books, you’re left with lots of kick ass books in the discount rack while the discount rack I’ve been to in other countries would be just bad reads being chunked away by consumers.

I would hate to admit it but reading cures me. My ex is a bookworm and he’s mentioned once how he was able to go through days just by reading. I kinda respected him for that but never could see myself doing it. Now, it’s become a hobby of mine amidst my busy schedules. Having a book in your hand is almost like having a dvd player and a cable TV portable in your hand. What’s better? You get to control your own mind and imagine whatever you want in your head.

Listening to: Taylor Swift – Love story

Last night, a Wee-J saved my life

If there was a night I have to pinpoint in my life as one of the turning points, it was the night of January 15th in 2011, which was tonight. Tonight changed my life.

It was a Friday evening and I was excited to see KP, who came back from his BKK tour, and Steve again. As per usual, we planned to chill over at Steve’s with a round of Wee-J’s (grass joints). I was never a fan of Wee-J’s since it has never worked for me but tonight was different. Maybe I was a bit too tired or maybe this wee-j was strong but after a few puffs, KP and I were in another world.

I was never a listener when it comes to conversations over at Steve’s. I used to be busy daydreaming about an online relationship, thinking about writing new songs or wondering if there was anything at work I have to do the next day. Tonight was different. Highly strung, five of us had a conversation.

The topic was kinda strong to be honest but it’s amazing how five of us agreed to it open mindedly. It was about how religion is a form of cover of scientific truths in life. Religions over the world have formed a believable figure in order for people to have a justification between rights and wrongs. If it wasn’t for religion, we’d be murdering each other senseless whenever we want to; well, not that some of us are not already doing that despite the existence of religion. We did not say anything bad about religions, but we were pretty much inquisitive about the contents in the religious manuscripts.

I read the revelation in the Bible and freaked out. The contents have NOTHING to do with what’s normally in the rest of the Bible. It sounded emotional and futuristic. Seven candlesticks?? Second death? Now, this reminds me of how in Burmese people said that ‘people from the sky’ helped build the Shwedagon pagoda. First of all, isn’t it amazing how most historic buildings in the world is triangular in shape and have a bit of a ‘precious’ stone on top. Shwedagon has a diamond on top. Some pyramids in Egypt have some zinc or something on top. Second, we are all limited by so much vocabulary that the observant failed to describe the ‘people from the sky’. Who are they actually? How did they travel? Somewhere along the lines of this mystery, my friends and I couldn’t help wondering time travel exists and parallel universe is something we have yet to discover. God is everywhere. Buddha teleports. What if that’s one clever person who manages to go beyond the limited capacity that all of us are in?

I know this is stupid and I kinda blame the highness of the Wee-J and the post breakup stress but I picked up a hobby I have totally forgotten I had. Reading. I came home and read a Dan Brown. 80 pages in an hour from a guy who’s only read 10 pages in two hours before and leave the book. I don’t know.. reading can be so much fun actually.

Listening to: NERD – Sooner or later

Age

I always used to wonder how bored people get as they grow older. The big dvd collection I used to see in some gay men’s house, a never finished sweater knitted by a divorcee or a chair that’s never stopped rocking for being too overused.

My grandma was a bit over-restless today when she was trying to change the frames in the living room. There used to be four picture frames on top of a big shelf along with a clock and an expensive jade cherry tree. She wanted me to take down the clock and put two frames from other shelves on top of that shelf. It wouldn’t fit unless we take the jade cherry tree down but it was too heavy and the whole incident ended up with grandma trying to work it on a chair. I told her that she would feel down to which she ignored.

My grand-dad, on the other hand, seems unready to accept that he’s beginning to forget things. Once in a military, he’s a man of discipline and exactness. Last week, I had an argument with him about a file which he had kept but he refused he had kept it. Then, later, he found it in his wardrobe. Today, he was telling me about a fact he had mistaken with the wrong time phase, to which my grandma and I corrected him. It was just followed by a grunt and a pretty much unfair accusation that we were wrong and that he remembered exactly what he meant.

I guess it’s age that scares most of us. Most of us are afraid to remind ourselves of the present. I hate reminding myself that I’m no longer with the man I love and that I’m single. I hate reminding myself that I’m still unsettled. My grand-dad would hate to be reminded that his brain cells are not functioning like they used to and my grand-mom would hate to be reminded that she could no longer have a good energy to decorate stuffs.

I’m gonna be thirty this year. I don’t know about other people but I do want to spend my time as a normal young person who’s aware of his present while his brain functions. Having good friends, having the freedom to roam around and get to know other people for love or friendship and although unsettled having the ability to drift. I need to enjoy my life again and be happy for things to come. At least by the time I get older, I wouldn’t be reminded of how sad my life had been when I was 29 back in January 2011, when I was pretty much bored of life after the man I love crushed my expectations of a good life.

The truth is, there’s still life left and I’m gonna enjoy it to the max.

Listening to: Yui – I remember you

My italian nose in a Chinese wedding

There’s nothing more comforting than a gay photographer. Maybe it’s just my wrong perception but my gaydar can’t help beeping whenever he’s around.

K9 took pics of me for a magazine several days ago and the result was remarkable. I’ve had pics done with a couple of other photographers before. Their port folio would be full of girls over the number of guys, which is almost never there. I would always be left with just doing whatever I want and the photographer taking pics whenever he thinks he gets the right angle. K9 was different. He would be pretty precise about what he wants; my pose, my shirt or just the way I was smiling. Working with him, I spent more than six times with him adjusting my shirt, handing me a tissue or other things he could to make me look good.

Impressed, I chose K9 for my album cover shoot. I had a meeting with him today and I was telling him about how his work made my pics look quite internationally qualified. I wasn’t really talking about my looks and it was more of his work I was mentioning but I was glad to hear what he had to say next. He said it was actually my nose that made my pics ‘international’ quality and my proportionate body. So, he said I got this Italian nose and he would always make me pose in order to focus more on the shape of my nose and he said that my body is quite proportionate compared to a lot of Burmese models. I didn’t get that. I feel fat. Maybe I might seem taller but his words somewhat boosted a bit of my ego.

Maybe he’s gay and maybe he’s not but somehow I love working with K9 and I’m excited to work with him for my album cover.

Chinese weddings are awesome!! I was out with DoubleA crew for TTM’s bro’s wedding. I guess this was the first wedding for a long while I enjoyed attending. For once, I wasn’t jealous and I wasn’t that envious of weddings much. Not that I don’t want to but I just know my time is yet to come with the right person one day and my mind’s not really fixated on future planning. There were two presenters; a woman who speaks Burmese and a man whose Chinese makes him sound like one of those free Chinese channels from satellite TV. I don’t know why but whenever he speaks, I see a kitchen with hung ducks. So, we had a champagne moment. Loser like me had a water glass cheered but the most awesome thing was when a whole lot of people started clinking their chopsticks on their wine glasses (which actually has water in it). Clink clink clink. I only found out later that this is a gesture from the audience asking the groom and bridegroom to kiss in front of everyone at that moment. I was pretty lucky my glass didn’t break but my clinking was just major loud; it’s fun to cause awkwardness at times. Then, there was this old man, who I believe is a drunk grand-dad from one of the families, who unfortunately succeeded to steal the mic off the presenter and started making comments on the mic. “Kiss on the lips!” “Carry the bride!”. It was a good wedding and I fully enjoyed it.

Listening to: Howie Day - Collide

The friend

Life is pretty bad when it comes to ‘timing’. It’s weird when a friend knows too much about you and it gets weirder when both of you are walking the same road. It’s also a bit weird when a friend is someone you care about and don’t wanna hurt. It’s so hard when the only way to get closed to a friend is the approach that you have believed in the past, which have been pretty much burnt down by the person you loved. It’s so hard when you want to believe in a lot of things you’re stopping yourself from believing. It’s also difficult when you promised yourself that you will never make the same mistake again.

Is this a test? If so, what am I doing now feeling this way? Despite the fact that I don’t feel lost anymore on my own, why am I faced with more tests? Haven’t I had enough of tests? The last one burnt me deep and I’m a bit too exhausted from the pain it has caused.

I hope the friend stays true. I hope the friend stays happy. I hope the friend knows that I do believe in good endings.

Independence day

It’s Burma independence day today and Boob’s birthday. God, I miss him!!! If this day was all about ‘independence’, I kinda find myself forced to have a strength field around me the whole day, which, in my opinion, makes me one independent person.

Truth be told, I used to live my days with the strength I get from BooMan. I know it’s lame but I could live through any crappy day just after I get an email or two from him in the morning. I guess he’s been pretty busy and I don’t really wanna be a pain in the ass craving for his attention. So, I ended up not really trying to make a big deal about the whole feeling I get about us not like before. I guess trying to survive each and everyday til I’m with him is tough, yet a must since I’d feel crappy after checking my email to not see any mails from him. Long distance sucks balls sometimes. It sucks even more that I’m madly in love with this person I’m chucking a long distance relationship with.

I rushed over to Steve’s house since Jsquare was there. A simple hangout swinging on his hammock while playing with his doggy, my afternoon was pretty worth spending given as KP has said, I have to appreciate what I have left around me. Hoping to leave Burma soon, this could be one of those times I make good use of being with them while I still can.

DoubleA called me at night to meet an old friend of ours, PM. My high school buddy, PM, and my ‘best friend from high school’ HS were there and it was a good evening spent as well. Sitting in the middle of a long table with 5 couples, I’ve learnt a lot about their lives. How things changed for some of them who had kids, those who lost theirs or those who still haven’t had babies. It was interesting to see the strength a female has while bearing a child in her womb for nine months. This was the conversation with the girls (the wives) to my left and I would join in the men’s talk (the husbands) on my right whenever they talk about something I could join in, which is NOTHING about cars. Once they mention the word ‘car’, it’s Hein looking to the left to join the wives sharing babies’ stories. The privilege of being the only gay in the table of five couples, I could join in any conversations without causing any awkward silence.

It made me realize life is still a huge mystery. When will I have kids? Who will I have it with? How can I make it possible? Will I be a good dad? Will I make it? Who will be the other dad? These things linger in my head.

Listening to: Patsy Cline – You belong to me

The counter

362 days I have left to try to get to be with BooMan. I gave myself this hope that I will meet him this year. I don’t care how or when or where. I just have to meet him. Do you know the feeling of seeing your boyfriend you can’t touch on vzo chat screen smiling at you while he’s intoxicated and all you could do is give him the weakest grin, which he finds cute, and a promise that you would do anything to make him feel good? Deep inside, you’re exploding with the fact that you can’t give him a hug or pat his head while you’re lying close to him in bed and the last thing you could do is give him a kiss virtually and hope he sleeps ok. I’m totally sick and tired of not being close to the person I love and I don’t know what hurts me more:- not being near him or the feeling of not knowing what’s going on in his life.

17 days until I can drink again. I know I’m being a hypocrite here but I could really use bottles and bottles of wine to numb everything around me. Drugs make me sleepy, cigarettes fuck my voice up but drinking.. at least I could just indulge in the tipsy moment to just put a fast forward button in my life.

12 more days until I get a break from work for two weeks, which will end up in consecutive days of making music videos, choreographing and going to interviews. Today, I went to SGH supermarket with KC to buy some dance DVDs to think of dance moves. It was cute to see how KC and his son enters a toy shop and it ended up with KC asking his son to get what HE actually wants. Well, his son ended up taking Magatron instead of Bumblebee anyways while KC wants BumbleeBee. Ok, back to my music plan. I have an interview this Thursday and I’m kinda nervous about it since I do not know what questions they would end up asking.

12 more days to finish my website at work. Now that I got the codes working, it’s time to work on the whole website itself. Drawing myself a work plan would be the most useful thing to do at the moment.

3 more hours until I sleep to get myself to dream of good things to come while waiting for tomorrow to pass me by.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m nervous. But I’m still counting….

Listening to: Jason Mraz – Sleep all day

An orange with a view

The best thing about oranges is the fact that you can place them between a lit surface and your pupils to check out if there’s any seed in the piece that you’re gonna eat. If there’s lack of any presence of seeds, it’s pretty awesome to be able to gulp down the whole thing without having to play tongue hockey with the seed inside.

My grandparents wanted to show me this awesome place which might be useful for my music video shooting but it would take 3 hours via car to and back from that place. So, before picking up granddad to go there, my grandma and I went to Hyper Supermarket to buy my other set of weights. It’s funny how my grand-dad just bought me this ‘one’ weight-adjustable dumbbell. I told him I would need two of those if I were to work on my muscles. So, my grandma and I went weight shopping, which ended up with me carrying the weight around while she shops for more stuffs.

A visit to the golf course was pretty cool since the last time I have been there was when I took a golf lesson with the Junior golf camp when I was 17. I remember swinging an iron 7 and the ball going in different directions and hitting the glass door behind me. Grandma and I were supposed to pick up Granddad from the golf course. He was with his golfing buddies after 18 holes of pleasure. I seriously don’t get the amusement in trying to hit a ball into a hole with a stick. Granddad seems pretty happy since he was with his buddies and since grandma and I were in a pretty good mood, he had his ‘look how united our family is’ smile on his face and his buddies were pretty talkative in a cool way despite their age. It made me think of taking up a sports.. I mean when I turn 70+, I don’t really know where I would be hanging out with my buddies and the last three places I would like to see myself in with my 70+ buddies are a bingo bar,a gay bar and the outdoor bowling pitch.

The place turned out awesome and I took some pics just so I can think of the choreography and places where I can place cameras and all that. The only let down was the weather. I just HATE Burmese dry hot weather. I had so much dirt on me with dry lips when I got home and my whole body was steaming hot without any moisture.

It was a pretty productive day, given I get to make good use of time preparing for yet another ‘self managed’ project. Like my orange in front of the florescent light, my plan for my album seems pretty clear. I could see some seeds in the way to clear them out before I could accidentally swallow it.

Listening to: Jamiroquai – Cosmic girl

Back in biz mess

Waking up with a feeling I have a lot to do is never healthy. Pretty much sleepy from the night before, I woke up to realize that it was the weekend, the two days where I make good use of time to work on my career. So, now that I got my master CD done, what’s left for me to do is an album cover and my own directed music videos. And in order to do music videos, I’d need scripts, settings, locations and people involved to consider. I guess today I took care of ‘people involved’.

About a few months ago, I tried to start directing a music video for my song “Headline News”. I emailed my friends to be part of the video shoot and it was to be shot on an afternoon. I guess my invitation was too light but only 9 out of 30 people showed up and the bar was not dark enough. I like to call that an epic fail but BigSiS hates it when I’m too hard on myself. However, I guess four months later and after I got myself the ‘master’ CD, there was no way I can make any excuses to not start working on the music videos.

It’s pretty cool when your grandparents work as advisors for one of the popular journals (it’s more like People Magazine but in a newspapers version that comes out weekly) called “Popular”(irony!!!). The people who work for Popular journal were amateur dancers who are willing to be choreographed and who wouldn’t mind being involved in a music video. Some of them could also be ‘extras’ in my video. I’m trying to use less of my ‘friends’ since they do not really take things that seriously and treat this as work. For me, work is time and time is money. Nothing waits and I can’t stand to be left not getting things done.

So, it was a good day planning for my music video. I’ve got the people fixed and I’ve decided to have five music videos done, four of which would be directed by me and the remaining one directed by KP .

The day ended with a pretty heavy ‘fuck diet’ dinner with DoubleA and his wife. I guess I’m trying to savor every moment I have left in Myanmar. Spending time with DoubleA and his wife is always awesome and while staying at their place before going out for dinner, I managed to make their dog hump my leg and hijack wrestling videos from DoubleA . Yes, despite my age, I’m still a HUGE fan of WWE. It was a good first day of the year. Fat and tiring but quite promising for a good year.

Listening to: A*teens – Halfway round the world