Subconscious wishing

Before I came back to Burma, I had a talk with Mama Mills. She's like
a big sister to me. She was my ex boss and I used to work for her. I
asked her if she sees me coming back and without any hesitation, she
said 'yes'. I asked her why she was so confident about it. She said
'if people want something really bad, it's always registered at the
back of their brains and we subconsciously try to make it happen. Come
to think of it... I've always got what I wanted.

As a kid, I always dream of having an active life. I grew up in front
of the TV. I watched shows and movies in amazement. I saw people
sing.. I wanted to sing one day. I saw some dramas and I kinda did
wish I had some drama in my life. Betrayal, death, loss, ill malice,
two timer or just plain bad weather.. you name it, I've always wanted
them.. I got them. I would always whinge and whine about them but I
guess as a kid, I DID ask for them... subconsciously.

I would even pretend I was a salesman at home and would play with
imaginary friends like I was a shopowner and they would buy things.
Tagged products... marked them off with stamps. hahaha I did those at
Jayjays. I loved it to be honest.

I wanna know how suicide would grab attention. At some point in life,
I did try it cos I was given the circumstances around me that would
only let me realize that 'cry for help' was the best answer. I lost my
dad. I live the life of a son of a widow. I live the life of a broken
family. I am gay and I have to rebel with some people, keep things
unknown and live 'more than double' life.

I am happy.

I got here and there was this really cute male model that I fancy. It
was an appreciation at first sight. I was even joking with my maids at
home how I would get to know him one day and would make him my friend.
I met him today and we talked and we became friends. I wasn't sexually
into him, I don't tend to act upon anything that is affected by
decisions I get from my genital. I was just in awe how things I wanted
had always worked itself out.

The final thing about me working on my permanent residency in sydney
offshore.. the only thing I was waiting for is to get a seven out of
nine for my IELTS and that was the only thing I've been waiting for.
Once I get that, I'll just have to wait for the acceptance of my PR in
Australia.

I've wished for a qualifying result. I was scared cos I did an
Academic version, which was the harder one, given that I was able to
do either general training(which was way easier) and academic version.
Seatings for General Training were out and I got myself to sit for the
academic version.

I did. I wished to get a good mark.
Guess what I got.
Eight out of nine !!! Hallelujah Sydney... thou shall await for my comeback :D

I love life :)

The Covered

Grandma always gets her way. Whatever I plan, it has to be HER way. Big deal.. that's what my grandparents made of my 'monkhood' celebration. All I was looking forward to was me shaving my head, wearing the monk dress and meditate in peace in a monastery. But, what do I get? A holiday reservation for the whole family at a monastery. Yes, my grandma, granddad, some relative boy and my brother in law are all going to shave our heads and be monks/nuns in the same monastery. It's something I'd hate to look forward to. yes, it's a happy celebration but the point of this, for me, is to get outta this world for a while and just meditate. So, as they asked me to choose the room I wanna sleep, I scoffed and rolled eyes. I chose the room by means of 'ok here's a room, I'll take this one cos I don't wanna look at more rooms' decision. But my grandma told me that a monk who usually used to stay in that room passed away not long ago. So long to picking random rooms. There I was picking up a room to sleep in as a monk. In other words, my grandma wins. We were treating this monastery as a holiday resort.

My OTHER grandma(from my mom's side) always plays cards with her daughters. I always join in and I love being there. They speak nonsense, laugh, joke and play cards. It was fun to play with my aunts and my mom and my cousins. That's the reason why I love going to their place. Today, I went there with a taxi since my chauffeur was in a bit of a mess. My grandparents(Dad) dropped me off at my mom's place and as usual, we played cards.

Six pm, my grandma(D) called me up on the phone to pick me up. I snapped cos I felt kinda restrained and told her that I'll come back with my own taxi. She seems pretty good about it. Now, my grandma(D) and granddad(D) are two of the sweetest people but when accusation is concerned, they are damn pretty good at it, despite the truth about them were never justified. If I ever come back home late, they would accuse my friend for keeping me there while I didn't wanna be there. I mean, it ALWAYS has to NOT BE ME and the other person. My mom has usually been the victim of this. I get pissed off and sit on rooftops, they blame mom. I graduate, they praise themselves. So, my mom, sister and I had a bit of a plan for my taxi ride home.

1. If I came home with my sister and her husband, my grandparents(D) would question why they wouldn't come in the house and would say bad shit about them for not being respectful kids bla bla bla.

2. If I came home on my own with a taxi, they would blame my mom for letting me go on my own with a taxi.

3. If I took a cab, they would question why they wouldn't take me back in their car. (yes my aunt DOES have a car but it's rarely used)

So, the lie for the whole day was... I went to my grandparents(M)' house to *NOT PLAY CARDS* hang around with my cousins, went coffeeing with them and chat with mom and watch Desperate Housewives. At 8pm, my mom and my aunt *which was actually my sis and her hubby* sent me back on a taxi. They had to leave and not come in and say hi cos the taxi was rented for the whole journey. So, my sis and her hubby had to drop me a bit far away from my gate in fear of meeting up with my grandparents(D). It all sounds insane but it was so funny. They left me off near my house and I bargained them to take me a little bit closer to the gate cos I heard some rats' noise in the sewer. So, they did and as we neared my house, we heard the garage door open and my sister and her hubby ran away in fear of meeting my grandparents. So, I came home... all safe..

I thought everything was safe but I was wrong.. I saw this juice glass in the living room and I asked my maid who came. My cousin *nicknamed TROUBLE* (who's been semi-disowned from my other grandparents(M)' house) came to visit me at my grandparents(D). Now, all I fear is her telling them that I was actually playing cards... cos that wouldn't be good. And I don't really know why she was here. I smell trouble.... I love her to death but she mingles stories and fuck up a lot of things. It's just something she's good at doing.. *sigh*

Amphibians Should Die

I have this habit where I start hyperventilating(correct spelling?) and I have to be calmed down or else I get dizzy. When that happens, I could feel the sudden rush of blood to my head, I think, cos it's all warm and fizzy in my brain. Then, I start to breathe real fast and I start to lose sight and it would come to the point where I have to sit down. This rarely happens by the way and the last time it happened to me was when I was really angry with my folks and while improvising my third and last suicide attempt, since it wasn't planned.

It happened today...

Pathetic as you might say, but it all happened cos a frog was on my feet. Seriously, amphibians are born to be afraid and extra alert about any big moving creatures and I swear that little son of a bitch have no rights to rest on my feet. I thought it was a dry leaf and this was like 7pm at night so I saw this little blur image of a brown piece on my foot. Then I shook my foot and there goes that dumbass amphibian hopping away like it was gonna get killed by me. I jumped and I have to say I was proud of myself for NOT shrieking high pitched. Right after the mud filled mass of acne skin jumped off my feet, I breathed so fast and just stood there for a few seconds. Then I could see it hovering around my feet and that started to scare me more. So, I ran away and nearly hit the door. Yes, You have to open the door before you get through it. How was I to think especially after the bad breath fly eating dumov skipped happily around my feet. God!!! I wonder if he has days like these.

On a happier note, the producer that I talked to *let's call him the PRO*. Pro has finally contacted my grandma. I mean, yes I know I wanna do this showbiz thing on my own but my ex manager was my grandma and she knows the drill way more than I do. So, I let them talk. Apparently, he wants me to write a whole album of English songs for me and four other girls. Hmm interesting. It's like a gay boy and four other girls singing their asses off in English in an album. Well, my response to that was why not. I don't really wanna release my own CD as yet since it's too early to go woo hey look who's back, especially after five years of my absence. So, a mixed album sounds great. Now, writing songs for the other four ladies. Oh god... speak of feminine songs. I wonder what those ladies would end up being like. Hopefully not too fobbish.

And now I'll need to choose which songs I wanna sing as well.. tough decision.. when I have like 50 of them.

Professionalism

One day, a young boy was playing in his room. With his stereos on loud and TV on, he hummed along. Seconds later, he yelled out "OUCH". He got bitten by a bug. Little did he know that it was a showbiz bug.

God, that was lame. Remind me never to write intros for any book that I work on. Yes, I was bitten by a showbiz bug and today I relived what I have missed in the past five years. I had a professional photo shoot.

Professionalism.. yeah yeah people brag about how professional their community rely on to carry out tasks and bla bla bla. Yawn yawn slash shut the fuck up. I had a photo shoot with a girl today, who's currently topping some charts and who's also a good friend of mine. A friendly back to back interview with professional photo shoot shot by a professional photographer for a professionally popular magazine. No I AM NOT bragging but can I just say the magazine chick totally fucked up the word 'professionalism'.

First of all, I asked them how I was gonna have my hair and face done. I mean, yes I do have a bit of Jon Secada natural tan on me BUT it looks like kids in UNICEF ads when I have no make up done with the photo shoot lights. The magazine chick, let's call her THECHICK, said she has things taken care of and I would be using my friend(the other celebrity), let's call her "STAR", yes so she said I would be using STAR's make up artist instead of having my own. I was cool with that. Sharing is caring and STAR is a friend of mine and I trust her taste in good make up artists. So, today the plan turned out to be me going to the shoot with THECHICK(the magazine chick) to meet up STAR. I was like 'wait what about my hair and face?' . Then, THECHICK was like "you won't need them. your hair is short and you're a guy". EXCUSE ME... now I am someone who CARES about professionalism. I did directors, producers and choreographers videos for med revue and I did it cos I wanted to BUT I have ALWAYS made sure they were professional. I got Luke as a hair do dude and I even got Mel Lloyd(love ya mel) as my camerachick for the choreo video. Now, I know they're NOT in showbiz and all that BUT THEY DID A FRIGGIN AWESOME JOB in time and in order and dare I say it... PROFESSIONALLY.

Call me a diva but as soon as I heard that, I rung up my celebrities friends who would have a make up artist to do my face and hair to get ready in TWO HOURS. THECHICK was full of apologies as she swapped the 'he said' 'she said' bullcrap between people. "BUT STAR SAID SHE WOULD HAVE THE ARTIST READY" "BUT HE DOESN'T NEED MAKE UP.. HE SAID HE WAS OK"... NO I DIDN'T SAY THAT BI-YATCH. Go suck on a yacht stick and have a taste of how it feels to fuck up professionalism. I am not asking too much of her but once you're in the game, you have to do as you SHOULD and not back out just cos you fucked up. If I were a diva, I would have cancelled the shoot today but I am not. So, I volunteered to find my own make up artist for my face and hair.

The funny thing was STAR ended up doing her own make up cos her make up guy's shop closed today and I ended up with a make up artist, WHO was called on by THECHICK. I mean, THECHICK DID owe me a make up artist. The shoot was awesome. Sometimes I wonder why I ever quit the scene. It's not a bad thing to try to be famous again.. hmmm... fame... oh and if you're ever wondering, I forgive THECHICK. I mean... if it wasn't for her, there would be zero publicity for me.

On another note, my high school best mate, Hkunie, came over today to invite me to his wedding. I felt quite bad since I have been here for three weeks and I never made contact with him. Yes, I forgot his number but I didn't even try to find it via friends. Normally, he would get so pissed off. After I told him the truth about me being lazy and all and I apologized, he apologized back. He said that he had been lost with the scene (friends.. not showbiz) two months before this wedding he's planning for. Fair enough. But, as I saw him leave my house with his to be wife, I was reminded of how close we used to be and how grown up we both are now. He popped out his head to say goodbye again and all I could say to him was...

:"You know.. it's funny, man.. we're all growing up... it's creepy"

He gave me a 'I know' look and we looked at each other's face for about a minute and a half and he nodded and drove off with a "Let's catch up soon"

The Fiberglass

Back in the early millenium, my friends called me the peacemaker. I was in a gang, not by will nor by force. It was a given thing to do since most of my friends were in it. I have no qualifications to be in a gang. I don't drive, let alone race. I don't know how to punch someone, let alone defend. I was a bit of a try hard in high school and I've never belonged to a certain group. So, me being in a gang was a bit considerably improbable. But there I was. Somehow I managed to use my strength. I was good with connections. Whenever I hear someone from my gang had a meat with someone from the others, I would be the first to get to know someone from the other gang to avoid badly injured fights or just to make things much easier. I mean, we weren't a fighting gang to begin with. We were just a group of friends who can't shut up about how cool and civilized we all were.

After doing Med Revue last year, Tessa called me the glue. According to her, I was able to stick people together, keep in touch with most of them and bring them back together for reunions or just occasional events. I managed to somewhat carry out the routine with the med revue this year. I'm not sure what others thought but I think I did a good job of knowing everyone in med revue 2009 and actually sincerely liking each and everyone of them without having to fake a smile. Of course they have their little weaknesses. I had mine too and they have somehow accepted me for what and who I am. So, I think I lived up to my 'glue' title.

The thought of coming back to Burma scared the shits outta me at first but then I thought with a newfound confidence and the ability to glue and make peace with people, I saw my family as the next new challenge. I was wrong. I can't really do it. My grandad came up to me last night and asked me while I was lying in bed if I were okay. I was like yeah I am. Of course I lied. He was like "what are you thinking" and I said 'nothing' and then I noticed how lame it was and told him that that was stupid of me and how impossible it was to not be thinking while being silent and that I forgot what I was thinking about, followed by the weakest fake chuckle. My grandad is not dumb. He saw through me. Then, he said the magic word or should I say the most effective words... "You look unhappy".

Yes it's true. I am truly unhappy. I've been a fiberglass since I got here. Not knowing how I say what would effect anyone. Conservatively keeping things to myself. By the way, this is among family members and not with friends. I'm doing fine with friends actually. Fiberglass is expensive and small and fragile. I remember those three factors from one of my science classes back in high school. Those three attributes I have engaged myself with these days.

I am somewhat expensive in a way that I am precious. A bit picky and a bit unique. I don't really roll like the others do and it's not intentionally done. It's just me. I can't work like the others do. I don't get how some people could do it but I think it's cool but I like to do things my way.

I feel small most of the times. I feel a bit useless and pointless. Sometimes I count minutes to remind myself that I am still in use.

I am quite vulnerable lately and I could see an outburst of some sort about to happen anytime soon if things go wrong.

But then again, I like to think that these could lead up to something good... something special.. something new. Before I became the peacemaker, I had to go through trials of friendship tests between groups, betrayed some, hurt some and often lied to myself. Being a glue was the same. I had to be somewhat patient. With people like Bambul on board in Med Revue, I knew I had to be patient though it somehow died on me these days when he is concerned. They do say not to cling onto something that don't function well. So I've quit being nice to him. Am I bad to him? Let's just say he doesn't exist unless he stands in front of me. Patience got me through Med Revue. The whole belief as well put me at my best. I believed that Jack and Robby could be the best to work with and somehow no matter what happened to us I always have managed to keep up with that belief and the patience to manhandle forty people with seven people who was there to help me. It was only fair that I think I did a pretty good job at being patient. I have to say it was also a group effort though since I could have ended up with people like Bambul in my team and I would've suffered.

So, whatever element that is up there for me to learn and achieve, I am still quite patiently waiting and in awe. Life is mysterious yet life reveals something in the end no matter how much you think you got it covered. Watch this fiberglass reflect light one day.

Weeds

I have to admit. I've become a secondary weed smoker. Hanging around friends who semi-substitute leisure for a puff of marajuana, I have somewhat become a smoke sniffer though it's not effective, let alone my last trial with weed was a disaster since it did me NOTHING. Being around them also does not really justify the fact that I AM funny since they will laugh at anything. "Hey look at this" and you get a big LMAO in your face. Nah, to be honest, this group of friends is different. Despite the amount of weed they went through, they seem pretty normal. If weed effect was supposed to make anyone laugh, I'd hate to see their natural self cos even with weed, they don't really crack up much... but still, they laugh at my jokes.. probably cos it's lame.

So, I have finally been able to flash my 'flaming hein'ness as opposed to conservative granny boy that I always have been. I don't really feel the need to or have the patience to try to be someone at the moment, given all these circumstances around me.

We had a party at Steve's last night. His wife was there. His mom was there who took away his kid in the middle of the party. KP was there with his wife and his bandmates. I finally got to meet MKN, who's been a mutual friend of me and my other friends. She's always been a second degree friend of mine via A LOT of my other friends and it's weird cos everyone who knows me knows her in a way. It's like a 'friendship meant to be'. I talked to her online and got friendly and I finally met her last night. She seems pretty kickass and laid back. I saw her hubby too and her hubby's group of friends. One of them looks pretty hot actually but his girlfriend was there so the option is off BUT his handshake was weird. They say there is a meaning to types of handshakes. If I was to analyze that deeply into one, his handshake was the longest and the most 'violated' sort. We shook hands and his other 'free' hand covered my hand that's been shaken and rubbed on it. I know at times asian boys do impose a bit of homosexual act but given this huge ass comfort zone on display, I find it hard to believe that he's a super duper 'pussy muncher'. A bit of an ass wouldn't hurt they say...

Gossips.. is that the only element that can bring people together? I don't really think so but then again that's something everyone wants to know when people get together. My 'girl'friends do have this aching longing for a dip of their fingers in this juicy element but I guess they do it in class, which I like. Now, when they're around people they trust, it's almost a huge ass info spillage. Especially about celebrities. I got two 'girl'friends I've come to trust. Zgirl and Guru. Zgirl cos her real name starts with 'z' and guru cos she capitalizes the S in socialite. So, when you put me, guru and zgirl in a room, you get the most fucked up news about celebrities, given they are both not that far away with the celeb world. The funnier thing is the fact that it's all real and not magazine materials. At first, I felt a bit suspicious to how they were so openly descriptive about such things with me, being the new comer. Yesterday, I learnt that I was actually 'special' cos once they were exposed to other people, they talk about umm... ANIMALS. Our conversation turned from 'who's fucking whose mother' to 'how do snakes lay eggs'. It's funny how we transform from a NW magazine to a Discovery channel within one split second while we all change to a different room.. to meet more guests.

It was a good party. I've come to like the fact that I DO have friends here in Burma. Dear God of Socializing, I am forever grateful for your effort to boost that friendly mojo in me once again. :D

The Contradiction

I've always wondered why Tv serieses have so much drama in them. Yes, it's true they have to live up to their names and ratings to make sure the show survives but why do they always bring out unnecessary dramas? The part about Bree and his gay son, Andrew, in Desperate Housewives.. it can be easily solved when and if Bree tells him how much she loves him and that she is hiding the past for him so he won't get arrested whereas Andrew wouldn't tell her how she is always thinking she's in the right. Same thing goes for brothers and sisters.. at times, I just can't handle a whole bunch of wahrieties(variety of wahs).

I guess I was wrong though. These lack of communicational skills happen in real life. I was talking to my grandmom not long ago on how I hate it when people assume. She's the epitome of assuming-et-accusing. She's so good at thinking what she thinks it's right sometimes it worries me and the worst thing is how she always compares EVERYONE with her. "I don't know how she could do this" well.. first of all, she's not you. I'm sure the indifference in this world makes us who we are... but yeah, that's her issue. Little do I know that that IS MY issue too. I expect too much of her and I compare myself to her. She seems so well taught, elegant and classy that sometimes I look up to her so much that if ever I see her fail at a point she gives, it would totally agitate me to an extreme measure. This would be followed by 'if that was me....' NOW STOP RIGHT THERE... that's something I accused her of doing.

What I am trying to say is the fact that my family would have been so much better if they communicate and hide their egos and prides. It's quite disgusting. I stayed at home the whole day yesterday. When I stay at home, I think a lot and when I think a lot I get upset. When I get upset, I don't eat or talk much. So, yesterday, I played a major Tibetian monk role in the house. I didn't talk much.

What really happened was ... I wanna go to gym. I do NOT know how to drive and transportation in Burma sucks balls ( i mean public trans) and no matter how superficial this may sound, I do NOT wanna be seen clinging onto a public bus. My grandparents wouldn't want me to either actually. So, I'll have to pick a gym that would be nearer to my house. My friend KP (mentioned in the earlier blog) had a bit of a misunderstanding with my grandmom not long ago. It was a very minor deal but my grandma managed to hold a bit of a grudge with it, to protect me from bad friends I guess. Now, KP's gym is near to my house and I told granny about it and she went 'ah ok we'll see'. Now, she went to some places and came back with a huge fat information about a gym her friend goes to which

1. is friggin far from my place.

2. costs more than KP's gym.

I don't know if I am in the wrong but I hate people who contradicts things they say. Why would they say A A A A A A and then go B B B B B assuming B resembles A but at the same time is the TOTALLY opposite of A.

Old age is common.. People forget. We(the younger ones) forgive. But isn't it time old people ALSO accept the fact that they forget? My family's full of egos sometimes it makes me wonder how the fuck do I ever belong or how the fuck would I ever survive...

On a funnier scale, I read this whole blog entry and laughed at myself since everything I wrote here sounds like what my grandma would say ... hmm takes one to know one, eh? *le sigh*

Me, Myself and Life

So, I finally met Mr Big today for any work vacany at the 'Big' department. Turned out that the salary at the Big Department is not as good as I thought it would be. In fact, it sucks. BUT, the BIGness will look pretty cool on my CV in the future and if by any chance I get to go back to Aussieland, it'll come in handy. Mr Big was pretty awesome. For some reason, he's willing to help me out. I guess I owe it all to 'connections' my folks have.

I had a day with mom today. I talked a lot with her. It was quite predictable. The whole 'mom dissing grandmom' and 'grandmom dissing mom'; it's getting old. I've learnt to just gulp it all in and just act according to it 'while' I was there. I really wanna make a good living for my grandparents, mom and my sis if I ever get to Aussie again. It's not about enjoying my life anymore. Once you know your 'home' is fucked up, trust me, there's no utter longing to hang out on Oxford st looking for Mr Right.

At night, I hung out with KP, his wife, Steve and my new found Canadian friend, who got a bit freaked out when I asked him if he was single. I asked him only cos it was relevant to the topic of our conversation. No homo, honest! It was a nice chill out. Japanese restaurant... it's funny how people like to take me to grand places when I've been running getting away 2 sushi rolls for 5 bucks at the Matthews Lounge. Whichever food that they had in Aussie that's NOT asian is considered quite grand. I always find it much better to eat pure Burmese food on a busy Burmese street while the cars pass by, followed by a mysterious fifteen minutes in the bathroom, pooing away your diarrhoeaic sorrows when you get home. KP's wife told me something I've heard before. People like Mel Lau or Robby had always said this to me before I left. I find it qutie cute and heartwarming to hear it from a girl, whose husband I just came out to after five years of absence from them. She said this before I got off their car...

Don't change :D

the re-return

I find it quite hilarious when people applaud after a movie in a cinema in Australia... things were pretty much the same when we landed in Burma last night. The plane landed and at least about three people clapped. My grandma and I looked at each other and frowned.

Speaking of planes, normally on a flight, before 'normal' food is served, the cabin crew goes around to 'certain' people who cannot eat 'normal' food and serve them before anyone else. Mostly these people are of islam religion and they cannot eat pork. Fair enough. But, on our 'arriving Thailand' flight, they placed that meal right in front of me. Yes, I am quite brown and hairy but that does not necessarily mean I am of that religion. Simple mistake? My grandma finds it really funny.

So now, I'm back in Burma again. Free of IELTS exam. Woop Woop! The cool thing is I am going to be job-interviewed by some 'big' dude in some 'big' department. Hmm.. Mr Big from the "big" department? :D So, Mr Big asked his friend to tell me to come to him 'directly' when I get to Burma. The cool thing here is that if I get a job here, it'll look pretty on my resume. Plus, I won't be idling around and the dream of working in the day and recording in the night is about to come true. That is if I get this job and at the same time, get the contract for my 'other' project. Well, a boy can dream. *swoon*

Speaking of 'boy', I had a bit of a religion talk with grandma two days ago. She doesn't hate homos but she believes that it can be changed. Now, you tell me how can you NOT have a boner by will if you see a gigantic crotch in your face... hmm.. well I do have a huge understanding for my grandma cos of the whole generation gap. I mean Generation Y is SO yesterday. And about reveals, I don't see any closet door opening in the way of my folks. Plus, my aunt knows so that's good enough. She can be the flower girl in my wedding with Mr Eken. (ref to blog last three months ago about having a kid called Heineken)

Nostalgia Lane

Thailand.. I love it. I am so glad I get to do my IELTS exams here. It's like a nostalgia trip back to memory lane. I met up with my nanny who took care of me since I was five and my chauffeur who drove me to school when I was six. I have not met these people for 15 years. So, it felt really good and quite tearjerking actually. Things have changed a lot. I kept thinking the reason that I was sent back was to know where i come from.

Being back in Burma made me realize how homey it feels to be with my family, my mom and grandma still at each other's throats but still sweet as usual. They don't live together anymore and despite the fact that it pains to see my family apart, I find it somewhat amusing to take trips. It's like dealing with divorced parents. Imogen Heap was right.. there is beauty in breakdown. I have ever right to be sad and depressed but I somehow enjoy the thrill of organizing my trips to my mom, sister and grandma each and everyday. I have to make sure enough hours are given to them. This almost feels like Robby making revue schedules lol.

Being in Thailand, I get to talk to my grandma more. I now know a lot about my past. How I was born, how we're not a perfect family and how family fueds are so friggin common in our lives. I swear there were at least ten fights and 'leaving house' problems when I was one between my parents and their in-laws. I was born from the MOST imperfect family but yet I could never ask for more love from them. I love them so much and I see this imperfection as an element that has taught all of us to let go and be happy with what we all have. I mean, we are all happy now after all and I guess that's all that matters.

The exam was quite ok. My examiner for the speaking test actually knows a bit of Burmese language. He was caucasian by the way. The helpers ....... they know NOTHING about English. I Love Thai people cos they're so polite and so hip BUT I hate how they fail at speaking English. I had to talk to them in Thai in order to line up for my exam. What if I didn't know how to speak Thai... *le sigh*

Now I got everything done
My visa application will be lodged this week
I only have one more factor... 'time'
I'll wait and pray....
for my return to Sydney


On the OTHER hand, *ahem ahem*, I have found myself a producer. Once I'm back in Burma, I'll be working on a photo shoot to boost publicity and re-introduce myself to my fans there. It'll be in a magazine next month. Then, I'll be a monk and join the meditation center for a week. Then, I'll be working on my comeback album.. this time it's bilingual. So, it'll be English songs and Burmese songs. I get to write songs, sing them, arrange them, choreograph if any needed and direct my own video. My producer was pretty impressed with my work on revue. So, he's given me this chance... BUT
they're not on paper yet
I have yet to sign these things on contract
In a way, I'm excited :D

I miss you guys in SYdney though

Things that make you go hmmm

If you're ever thinking there's nothing wrong with me, you're totally wrong. Despite the fact that I'm pretty happy where I am for the time being, I have a lot of worries. After a week of settling down in Burma, I'm beginning to worry about work. What if I don't get any jobs? I did give my CV to UN. God, I hate abbreviations. It always reminds me of how Paris Hilton addresses to the losing contestants in her show. "I'm sorry we cannot be BFF and I really don't wanna say this but I'll have to say TTYL to you". It's like 'go suck a miracle stick that'll make you grow up and more intelligent'.

It's nearing the exam date and I don't know why but I feel a bit nervous and a bit scared. It's crazy but at the same time, an exam IS an exam. So, I'm a bit scared about the exam. I read some of the past years' papers and some of them has some really fucked up topics. Like GLOBALISATION or ALZEIMER. Like wtf.... Like my tutor said, everyone can pass IELTS test BUT it's not all about your english efficiency but also the race against time. I'm a bit hopeless with time. I hate rushing and I panic more than I actually should. So, yeah.. boo to that..

Apart from these things, I'm OK... just a bit impatient today for some reason

Mission Gay-A-Tize

When in Burma, you can never tell when you get fatter because we wear sarongs. Sarongs, unlike pants, have no waistline. It's just some blankety material (a big skirt) of waist size 40+. So, you tie around your waist until it fits you, which means you can adjust your waistline whenever you want to whichever size you want unless your waist is forty plus or something. So, you know when you get fat ONLY if your waistline starts exerting over a value of forty inches.

When in Australia, you can never tell when you get older, well, unless you have friends like Ali, Jen or Robby, who would KEEP reminding you how old you are. BUT apart from that you never know. I was jogging yesterday in the evening and I saw this little kid and two girls walking with him. In non-asian countries, you call people by name , Hein. Anyone calls me Hein there no matter how old or young they are. In Burma, there are three types.

Maung - this is usually for formal speech and especially to those guys you don't know yet.

Ko - this is friendlier and this is addressed to elder people. Like, my brother in law calls me this. It means big bro btw.

Nyi - this means small bro. I call my brother in law this.

U - this is short for 'uncle'.

Ok, so I was jogging and the girl with the kid went 'hey look at U running. Why don't you run with U?'. There, at that time and place, I notice how old I've become. I wasn't offended or anything but god, I felt so old.

I had a really good time with my grandparents at night. I had some oldies songs downloaded cos I DO listen to oldies radio in Sydney when I sleep. Connie Francis , Doris Day.. Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole... the list goes on. Grandma and I sang along and she even danced along to some of them. Who would have thought she fell in her bathroom once and injured her leg before!!! She came and gave me a hug and told me I've made her feel sixteen again. Then, my grandad sang along. It's funny how they still know the lyrics.

I told them to come to Sydney at least once a year, given I pay for the return air ticket. Then, my grandma asked me what if my wife does not approve of it. I told them that I don't wanna get married and that I have enough friends and I just want a kid. Then, they went 'so what if you end up lonely'. I told her I won't cos I have gay friends who's bound to end up lonely themselves and we could stay in touch and be friends. She didn't react. Then, I went on saying how gay people are actually cool and those in Burma are just loud and extra violat-y. She laughed at that and I told her how my gay friends would teach me how to look good and how to cook and clean my place and all that. She then joked at how convenient it is to have fun. Judging from her reactions, my grandma seems cool with gay people. Come to think of it, she DOES work around them. Make up artists, hair people or photo-designers and such.

I think I'll miss my grandparents a lot if/when I get outta here.

June 7th : Holy Shit I'm Fat

Yeah I finally got to see the pics that Ali burned on her disc for me.. all the pics we used to take together when I first got to Australia. Despite the fact that I used to think I was fat back then, I was WAY skinnier than I am now. Now, I feel even fatter than I actually was when I was doing Med Revue.

Burmese weather is sticky and hot so you would start sweating and you start getting a bit oily and the shirt sticks onto you and you look a bit drenched after fifteen minutes. That makes you way ugly if you have a belly. I DO like Burmese beer as well so things are not looking that that good in 'weight loss' department.

But yeah I did jog this morning at 9am only to kinda stop after four rounds cos I saw two dogs staring the shit at me. If only dogs could talk , they'd be saying 'I haven't seen that figure around here , I want me some of that leg to bite on mm hmm' and the other dog would go 'that's right, girlfriend'.

Apparently these dogs don't bite so I might jog again in the evening and I might just ignore these hounds of Heinyville.

Yesterday, I went to the magazine publishing place again cos my interviewer called me up for emergency. She had accidentally deleted the pic she took of me last time during our interview. So, they took a new pic of me and I saw the daugter of the chief editor. A really adorable twelve years old girl. She walked in and the folks start doing the whole 'pressure' thing.

Her mom: Hey, talk to this man in English, he just came back from Australia.

my granddad: Oh, so cute.. come on, talk to us.

her mom: yeah

the girl: *weak chuckles*

I had to interrupt and say 'Oh god, isn't that a huge pressure?' and the girl was pretty happy and she smiled at me. Then, the mom was like 'this man directed some play in Australia.. tell him about the play you were in at school'. I could so tell how it would feel to be in her shoes cos my grandparents love the whole 'monkey show' too. In front of guests, they would ask me to do stuffs.. play piano, sing or just dance, when I was a kid. If only they had known I ace at blow jobs and could tie cherry stem knots, it would've been different. I told the girl that it's ok and that my play was school-related as well. Then she smiled.

Few awkward minutes later, since she didn't talk much and I had nothing to say, I asked her if she likes GOssip Girl. She jumped and the once shy weak chuckle girl just turned into this excited piece. Think of a nympho while the guy undresses before they have sex or just a dog when you start unpacking its dog food. She was like "I wanna see season2". Surprisingly and being such a co-incidential case, I had a harddisk(thank u Ben) with season 2 of Gossip Girl in my bag. She was like way overjoyed.

So, I won the heart of a twelve year old (NOT IN THAT SENSE) by a harddisk that contains Gossip Girl. With her mom being the chief-editor of the magazine that just interviewed me I have yet to get more promotional assistance from them cos I am 'da bomb' to her daughter at this point.

All I can say is thanx Gossip Girl..

You know I love you

XOXO

Shape Up

I woke up at five am to go to this training thing but it turned out to be a Burmese national track and field team and I was asked to do warm ups with them. WTF??????? It's like playing quiddith(urgh i hate spelling) without a broom. How would I ever even get to resist their one hour of warm ups. Plus, I really don't wanna do things with a group. So I came back home and started jogging on my own around the park next to my house at six am. I did a five rounder, three runs and two walks. I felt pretty fresh to be honest. I might do it in the evening again. I told my 'house-sisters' (aka maids) to make me veggie dishes for the night as well... ah well, we'll see what happens eh?

I went to my mom's last night with my bro-in-law (BIL in short). BIL seems to be really happy around me. Despite the fact that he had a divorce with my sis not long ago and reunited and that they had a fight and he beat up my sister, I think all of those had happened for a good reason. They're back together, even if not strong, they're happy. My sis is pretty happy I'm back and he seems to be in a good mood. Well, he does love me as his big brother, which is a good thing. I could be really biased and hate him for what he did to my sister but that wouldn't make me happy nor it will do any good for their relationship. I think he's a nice guy. Just misunderstood.. every relationship does go through a storm after all.

I'm so tired of doing IELTS. It's like preparing for sex with a condom on but then u don't have lube. It's something I could do but haven't done in a while but don't really know it would affect the result, given I haven't been warmed up for a while. Everyday, I go through exam papers and would get a bit discouraged if I get wrong answers. Then, I'll get sensitive to questions asked urghh. It's just annoying.

I really like the feeling of 'picking up where we left of'. I did that with a lot of friends here. A-square and his wife have been really good friends to me since the last time I was here but I sucked at keeping in touch but when I met them, they were as normal as we were ages ago. Speaking of which, I was reminded that if it wasn't for me, they would've never dated, given his wife refused to talk to him back then due to some rumors and gossips spread by some retards but I called her and they talked.. I was reminded of that and it felt good.. the same thing goes for my cousin, who's married with a kid. She said if it wasn't for me sneaking her outta her home that one night, she would've never met her husband. Aww.. it's cute. I feel like a cupid.. a fat one... but quite a good singing one I shall say..

BIL, sis, mom and me

KP, KP's wife, Steve's wife, Steve, me

me and my cousins

The Adaptation

Despite having a car to take me places, I am in the middle of a triangle. I have to make time for three groups of people.. ok make that four.. This actually reminds me of charles' assignment.

Problem: Hein has four groups of people he has to see at least six times a week. He stays in group G (with his grandparents). He has to see his mom (Group M) and his sis (Group S) as his priorities. He can only see his sis after seven on week days. He also has another group (Group F) but this group lacks priority; he can hang out whenever he wants but since he sleeps in his grandparents' room, he is not allowed to come home after 10pm.

If Charles reads my blog, he might be able to solve my problem.

So I have finally hung out with KP, Steve, MT, A(square) and their wives/girlfriends. The funny thing is they all know about my gender preference and it's way more fun to be myself around them since I always end up siding the chicks and the guys would lure me back. This is their theory see... Hein has not fucked girls. Therefore, hein is not considered 100% homosexual since there can be a probability of some ratios that hecan still be a bi-sexual. So, four of them are gonna work on 'turning me into a bi'.... I told them it won't work and that I am totally NOT into hookers. They feel the need to for some reason.. Ah well, it's a duty they chose upon themselves. I'll just wait and see.

I finally met 'some' of my cousins too. I find it quite a relief that my drug fucked cousin finally gave up on drugs(cos of his girl) and the brother of my favorite cousin has grown up so much. It was a different type of hangout. The 'once night clubbed, smoked out, running from home' to a 'chill at coffee shop talking about life' group are we...

It's pretty amazing actually. Robby was right. She told me I would adapt back to my hood and I have finally. I am quite happy here but some things are just so unncessarily intolerable... like the internet. The irony is the fact that you can actually get some shit here. like MOVIES.. the dvd shops here have more ranges than all blockbusters combined in sydney (thanx to piracy.. they can get ANY MOVIES). Well, this doesn't really mean I am NOT coming back *wink wink*

The Cousins

Ain't nobody gonna steal this heart of mine? I still have no clue what that song has to do with 'when the war is over'. Now that I've settled in a bit, the war has begun. It's not a serious case but it can get quite annoying. So, I live with my grands from my dad's side and my mom lives with her parents. So, I have to somehow find time to see all of them in a day or something. When I'm with my mom, she bitches about my grands and when I'm with my grands, they bitch about mom. Not cos they hate each other. The irony is the fact that they love each other. Quite a 'paradoxy' thing if you might ask.

Last night I met up with my cousins again. One of them, umm... let's call him Toad, (only cos if you reverse his name, it means toad in burmese). Toad was drug fucked last time I was here but now he seems more than awesome. Drug free and has a steady girlfriend. He's all cool now. The other one, let's call him.. The Rock.. cos he can do the eyebrow thingo. The Rock has grown up so much. He's the youngest of the cousins I've grown up with. I got two other younger ones but I didn't really get to know them much. So, The Rock has matured so much and he's just one grown up man. Both of these giants were taller than me and I felt like a short big brother. My sister and her husband seems pretty cool. Her husband is not a douche bag as she has said he would be. He's pretty cool. I wanna be in good terms with him cos I think how the in-laws act towards a person can benefit or totally fuck up their relationships with their wives (aka my sister). So, I always ended up siding him and drinking beer with him.. there goes my 'getting thinner' routine... *le sigh*

To some of you who's been reading my blog, thank you and I guess this is the only way to update you on what's been happening. I got to read what you comment on my blog via gmail. So, yep, thank you Stu... I read your comment.. and I shall see you one day too.

I'm a bit fascinated with the whole cousins meet up thingy. It's nice to be home perhaps. Now, Heiny awaits for the card game for weekends (yes I play cards with my cousins every weekend)....

Eat the Rich

Once, this 'so called fortune telling' indian ripoff dumplinghead told me that I act rich and dress rich but I'm not. Okay,I wasn't offended because of that but I was offended cos I had to pay forty bucks for his fortune telling. He stopped me in market city and went 'so i know your future'. I wasn't convinced until he said good shit about my future. I didn't know he wasn't doing a probono so I kept listening. At the end, he charged me fifty bucks and I gave him only forty and he gave me this stupid pink bead (WHICH I STILL HAVE EVEN WITH ME NOW) as a lucky charm.

But yeah, in Hein's style, I LOST MY POINT. My point WAS the line 'you dress rich but you are not rich'.

For those of you who thinks that I'm rich and that I was a pop star and all that, think again. I am just a normal dude who's TRYING his ass off to settle down somewhere and to live a better life as my future. I guess I was living too good of a life in Sydney but I got here two days ago to Burma and I realized that I AM NOT what you most think I am.

There was a hurricane last year in Burma and my grandparents' room was washed off. Now the walls look like those you see in the first scene of "Saw" and the thing is they're too old to fix them and they're just happy the way they are. There I am in Sydney spending more than twenty bucks on toilet blue and here they are just happy with their washed out room. They donated my puter to some orphanage as well. My grandmom knows that my weakness is 'charity'. I'm sure they got rid of my puter just so they wont' be reminded of me but they said they did charity and me, being a sucker of charity, could do nothing but smile. So, now I don't have my puter anymore. I got another one but that has no speakers on it. So, sorrow is me.

I'm really proud of them though for being able to be happy and once I get a proper settlement, I'd love to rennovate their room. At the moment, it just looks dingy.

Yesterday was a long day. I went and bought some shorts and hair wax and a contact lens solution. "How to Look Good in a Third World Country" Survival Kit 1.0. After that, I went to two magazine companies. One to donate some money since it's one of my favorite magazines and it's kinda thinking of quitting. So, I am one of those people that would help put it up again. The other one was just to say hi to them and the editor asked me if I wanna model for a photo shoot session for a centrefold. I told her to wait til I get thinner and she gave me one month. SO YES I HAVE ONE MONTH TO GET THINNER. I feel like Maddy and Zoey in Med Revue (well, when you have a room full of asian chicks, no matter how skinny you are, you feel huge).. yeah, I am NOT THAT FAT but it's considered 'fat' here cos burmese guys are skinny. So, Maddy and Zoey, I KNOW HOW U MUST HAVE FELT *hugs* AND U BOTH ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! So, yes, no matter what I have one more month to lose my pounds. And I also got interviewed and that's gonna be out next week. I dont' really know if I should be happy or not doing this showbiz thing again. Everyone IS SO NEW!!!!! I feel like Bon Jovi if they would have to be an open act for FallOutBoy. God, I'm le old incredible!!

So, one more month of losing my fats and one more week of preparing for IELTS....

I have managed to give names to my dog since my grandparents gave them burmese names which literally mean 'country bumpkin' and 'the tiny'. And the other one's name was SUMO but I swear he suits the name "Tori Spelling". So, for the tiny one, I'll call her the pedophilic victim since she's the youngest and the daughter of the 'country bumpkin' who fucked with her own brother, Sumo. So, I call her 'incsestive sister'... god... Incest runs in Hein's house in Burma. This is NOT THE FIRST TIME.. Last time was my cats and their fucked up family tree.. this is the doggy version.

Oh by the way, I took pics of them as well.. FINALLY

E-Boo, pedophilic victim(she's the youngest), the incsest sister and Tori Spelling

Be back 'fore u know it,

Heiny xox

Tori

E-Boo

Wee's Mom

Wee

Back to Basic

I watched three movies on the plane and two of them were comedies and one of them was a drama; pathetically, I cried watching three of them. Well, partially cos I miss Australia and my friends but for some reason, there was at least one element in the movies that made me cry. "He is not that into you" has this part where Ben Affleck proposed Jennifer Aniston; yes I cried. "Bridal Wars" has this part where they both learn the values of best friends; Yep, I sniffed and "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"... I just cried throughout the whole final scene. I guess, like Ali said, we're ageing each and every day and our sensitivity is just crap.

So, I'm back in Burma now.. sweaty weather, lesser internet and all that.. it was a bit worse than I had pictured cos my grandparents sold my puter and I was puterless in my room. Then, there was this old puter that my sis owned.. WHICH HAS NO SPEAKERS... So, I still have to wait for things to work out... slowly.. and my audio system is not connected.. it's just one piece of crapland but the family is just major warm. It was nice to see my mom and sis. They were both happy. My brother in law, who's actually a nice guy. My grandparents and my sick uncle. Being back in the house I used to live five years ago is pretty much challenging.. I don't really know what is going on around the neighbourhood. The whole money system kinda changed. So, I guess it's all a matter of time I could learn to adapt...

The other best thing about being back here are my dogs. E-Boo still remembered me. He's like ten years old now I think so he's grown into a quiet son of a bitch. Well, not for long. My grandparents don't like it if he goes into room and sleep on bed but this morning, E-Boo came to me and followed me up and he jumped onto my bed and waited there 'spreadeagled' to be tickled on his belly and he started being a jerkface on my bed. Played with my papers and whatever I have on my bed. I had to shoo him out before my grandparents see him. Now, in addition to this dog, we got three new ones.. Two white dogs and one that looks like Tori spelling. IT turned out that he chewed some stones until one of his teeth actually came out all big like Tori Spelling.... so, I call him Tori Spelling... the other two I have yet to name..

I guess this is all for now and hopefully I'll have more things to write on my blog..

I AM enjoying life but I still miss those I love...

til next time...
Heiny xox