The Fiberglass

Back in the early millenium, my friends called me the peacemaker. I was in a gang, not by will nor by force. It was a given thing to do since most of my friends were in it. I have no qualifications to be in a gang. I don't drive, let alone race. I don't know how to punch someone, let alone defend. I was a bit of a try hard in high school and I've never belonged to a certain group. So, me being in a gang was a bit considerably improbable. But there I was. Somehow I managed to use my strength. I was good with connections. Whenever I hear someone from my gang had a meat with someone from the others, I would be the first to get to know someone from the other gang to avoid badly injured fights or just to make things much easier. I mean, we weren't a fighting gang to begin with. We were just a group of friends who can't shut up about how cool and civilized we all were.

After doing Med Revue last year, Tessa called me the glue. According to her, I was able to stick people together, keep in touch with most of them and bring them back together for reunions or just occasional events. I managed to somewhat carry out the routine with the med revue this year. I'm not sure what others thought but I think I did a good job of knowing everyone in med revue 2009 and actually sincerely liking each and everyone of them without having to fake a smile. Of course they have their little weaknesses. I had mine too and they have somehow accepted me for what and who I am. So, I think I lived up to my 'glue' title.

The thought of coming back to Burma scared the shits outta me at first but then I thought with a newfound confidence and the ability to glue and make peace with people, I saw my family as the next new challenge. I was wrong. I can't really do it. My grandad came up to me last night and asked me while I was lying in bed if I were okay. I was like yeah I am. Of course I lied. He was like "what are you thinking" and I said 'nothing' and then I noticed how lame it was and told him that that was stupid of me and how impossible it was to not be thinking while being silent and that I forgot what I was thinking about, followed by the weakest fake chuckle. My grandad is not dumb. He saw through me. Then, he said the magic word or should I say the most effective words... "You look unhappy".

Yes it's true. I am truly unhappy. I've been a fiberglass since I got here. Not knowing how I say what would effect anyone. Conservatively keeping things to myself. By the way, this is among family members and not with friends. I'm doing fine with friends actually. Fiberglass is expensive and small and fragile. I remember those three factors from one of my science classes back in high school. Those three attributes I have engaged myself with these days.

I am somewhat expensive in a way that I am precious. A bit picky and a bit unique. I don't really roll like the others do and it's not intentionally done. It's just me. I can't work like the others do. I don't get how some people could do it but I think it's cool but I like to do things my way.

I feel small most of the times. I feel a bit useless and pointless. Sometimes I count minutes to remind myself that I am still in use.

I am quite vulnerable lately and I could see an outburst of some sort about to happen anytime soon if things go wrong.

But then again, I like to think that these could lead up to something good... something special.. something new. Before I became the peacemaker, I had to go through trials of friendship tests between groups, betrayed some, hurt some and often lied to myself. Being a glue was the same. I had to be somewhat patient. With people like Bambul on board in Med Revue, I knew I had to be patient though it somehow died on me these days when he is concerned. They do say not to cling onto something that don't function well. So I've quit being nice to him. Am I bad to him? Let's just say he doesn't exist unless he stands in front of me. Patience got me through Med Revue. The whole belief as well put me at my best. I believed that Jack and Robby could be the best to work with and somehow no matter what happened to us I always have managed to keep up with that belief and the patience to manhandle forty people with seven people who was there to help me. It was only fair that I think I did a pretty good job at being patient. I have to say it was also a group effort though since I could have ended up with people like Bambul in my team and I would've suffered.

So, whatever element that is up there for me to learn and achieve, I am still quite patiently waiting and in awe. Life is mysterious yet life reveals something in the end no matter how much you think you got it covered. Watch this fiberglass reflect light one day.