Learning the ropes

I remember the day when I was freaking about my oversea relationship, about how I was hooked on a guy who I’ve never met in my life and back then, we weren’t actually coupled up par say. BigSis told me the most valuable words of all time; a relationship is not tough before you own it, but it sure is once you own it. Those words echo in my brain today.

Chick flicks are supposed to make me feel good but it was a bit of a mistake watching Sex and the city 2 after I woke up from the most uncalled horrible afternoon nap which followed yet another unnecessary row I had with BooMan. It didn’t really help at all that it started with a gay wedding. So, a young Hein who used to believe in purity of a relationship, the monogamous simplicity of two people regardless of gender and the ever notorious gay promiscuity and the beauty which lies within the commitment itself after the whole trouble of testing our faith. I don’t really see that anymore for some reason today. I think things are getting dull as we breathe day by day.

I disappointed BooMan a week ago when I stopped him from coming to Myanmar or just meeting up halfway in Malaysia. It’s always been a dream to be able to touch the man I love, despite the whole storyline of meeting online yet feeling like I’ve known him since forever. Call me a nutjob but I believe in fortune tellers. I was told that I would finally be able to meet BooMan and live happily after with him in one place pretty soon. So, I was pretty worried that I was gonna meet him soon but without my settlement news in Australia. What if I am meeting him only this time round and the next would just be me and him being oversea from each other. I felt stupid for having said no to him and since that day, I’ve somehow stopped blogging and pretty much felt stupid or just fucked in the head for my own action.

What is it with men? Why do they always make me feel like a trophy wife during the first few months of dating and getting to know each other and once you have him in your hand it’s all downhill and every breath you take with him in your head just becomes a routine for him whereas it’s like a fairytale come true for you everytime he chucks the line “I love you” no matter how cheesy you feel. I am proud to say that I am quite happily adapting to being a partner of a man who’s majorly best friends with his ex. Used to share a dog together, sharing a car at the moment and today, his ex was gonna come over to leave his new puppy with him and the next thing you get shoved at in your face was a promising “I might not be able to come online since doesn’t like to get off the house when it rains”. I didn’t know if I should blame the weather or just myself for being pretty annoyed at the fact that I was not gonna be able to have more time with my partner because of his ex who wouldn’t leave his house when it rains. That’s what I mean. You see. An online chat, which seems like a fairytale to me, and it’s just another routine to him which he could shove off when he has to leave.

The worst thing about today was how it reminded me of me when I was with Simon, my ex. “What happened to the brave confident Hein I used to know?” were his words which scared me to death and still would linger on like Freddy Kruger’s nightmare to the ‘now grown up’ teens. I admit I can be needy and I do need a lot of high maintenance of attention. Especially at my lowest peak after I managed to barely survive from a self-loathing phase, I was pretty much vulnerable to anything that can have two meanings when thought of pessimistically.

I couldn’t talk anymore and I couldn’t even think of what I would do next. As I walked home, half crying of fear and anxiety that has built upon me from becoming Simon’s boyfriend, I couldn’t stop thinking what if this was a downhill ride to a relationship. Yes, Hein, you did it again.. you fucked up big time.

I have given up finding joy in going to 50 street to socialize with expats or going out with gay men in Myanmar since the day I stopped drinking, which I did to fight alcohol with my partner. Somehow, I see myself not being able to keep a happy face at every events that I forced myself to go. Of course, the first few minutes would be heaven given I’ve always enjoyed a bit of a social outing but after that moment, I would see myself cornering into a couch, leaning back with a drink I would not be enjoying and thinking of how pretty fucked up my life is, not to be living with my partner or just pretty much kept in the unknowns of whether I would end up permanently in Australia or not.

A slap in the face for the umpteenth time, I’ve grown sick of myself, more insecure and pretty much unstable. If there was a way up to reach the star that we wish for, I’m losing my pace, let alone the ladder, to escalate myself to grabbing my goals in life.

For now, I’ve decided that I don’t wanna upset my partner once again with my insecurity. He has his life, so do I and I need to fix mine. I used to depend on his presence for the courage to get to where I want to but I think I’ve reached the point where I can only do this on my own. It will kill me but once you know that your partner’s existence is useless, you just have to better yourself.

I’ve been telling people about how I like to learn from my mistakes and maybe this was my only opportunity to make it better for myself. I’ve reached the top and I think it’s time to tumble to the ground to set a higher ground of goals and aims to hold onto.

Fuck relationship…. I can’t think of anything that could make me happy anymore at this point. I need a vacation…. With myself.

Listening to: Keri Hilson – Return the flavor (feat. Timbland)

Tactless at its best

Dear blog, if you were a living thing of some sort communicable with humans like me, you would feel totally betrayed by my absence. I blame it partially on one of my religious blog readers, my boyfriend. Ok, fine, it was also partially my fault. He never said anything to stop me from visiting the blog site anyways.

After ten days of my absence, I have become hopeful for some positivity at work. Productive and useful I’ve become in the past few days and also tasks assigned are of the field I graduated in. Being a favorited MC on stage for an important UN event also kinda made me feel semi-important at work. Life is on the up direction at the moment but of course there are bugs along the way I would love to babble about on my blog. Such is life.

The next worst thing to having cute flirty gay friends around you while you’re away from your boyfriend would be having a fugly girl, who can’t leave you alone. I hate making assumptions but then naturally we all do have a bit of a hunch at times. TactlessGirl (who else) got to perform with me during UN day. Two days before the rehearsal, she asked me what I was gonna wear. Not a big fan of having matching outfits, let alone her but I can’t even see BooMan and me doing that, I pretended not to know and asked her what she was gonna wear. She said she was gonna wear our work T-shirt. DAMN IT! That was what I was gonna wear. But then again, given my other colleagues would be wearing that and me, me and her wearing that matching shirt on stage would not seem such a big deal. She did show up in the brown work shirt on the actual day and I was glad there were a few others. I was even happier to see her change into a black outfit before she sang with me.
One day ago, she said “You’re cute you know” to me after the rehearsal, to which I had no idea how to respond to. I said “I could be a bitch sometimes”, which was followed by her awkward silence, to which I responded with a quick phone call to ANYONE who’s free to talk.

Today, she came into our office room more than twice during the day and after work while I was waiting for my car with my other colleague, she came in again to use our phone. WTF!! Ok, folks, she DOES have an office on the other end and I swear they have more than two extensions to a phone.

TactlessGirl just won’t give up. I kinda could understand how you can be a bit fused up about someone you might have a big crush on. However, if that person tells you that he/she does not like the genital that you own as his/her sexual desire object, isn’t it a big indication for you to fuck off? Now, being a friend is totally fine but being sneaky towards my presence in the most creepiest way possible just drives me up the wall. And the ‘boy’ she claimed to have had come during the event did not show up and she was fuming about it. Not to mention how she had met him for only like a week, I believe.

TactlessGirl should get her wires straight up again. It’s not healthy having an obsessed fan, not to mention tactless, at work. This would have been at least a bit entertaining if she owns a penis and maybe have a personality. Le sigh, people, le sigh!!!

Listening to: Lily Allen – Fuck you

Definition of a FRIEND

It's been accumulating in my system but somehow I gotta let it burst.

I was down with a flu yesterday and it's only fair enough that no one can sense how heavily dosed I was with antibiotics, given I do not feel like losing any day at work. Trust me, working in the humanitarian field, the last thing you want to have is a holiday while you're halfway through what you're trying to achieve. So, dazed and weak, I relied on gtalk during work to keep me awake.

And yes it sure did keep me awake!!!!!!

Now, what IS a friend? And by friend, I mean a platonic one; someone you are friends with knowing he/she's got a significant other.

A friend, to me, is someone who makes you feel good. And by the term 'feel good', I mean ANYTHING TO FEEL GOOD.

1. Pick up where we leave off. Now this is important for me as I move around a lot. I always feel guilty whenever I leave a place fast enough to not be able to have a proper goodbye and I hate goodbyes anyways. Somehow, a lot of my good friends have been pretty awesome by telling me that it sucked that i left them without a trace but yet they're still around given we're still buddies and we could start any 'tomorrows' the same way as we finished our 'yesterdays' with a proper and awesome "today".

2. Glue-people. Ok, it's one thing to be majorly attached to a friend but at times, he/she needs a break and it's best to leave them be before they go all wild on you. I have so little time to give it to those around me and I'm a bit of a workaholic/career-minded person and it's only fair that I'm actually penciling down your availabilities on my planner. I cannot be around you all the time too unless you're my awesome close buddy. Even then, I might not be around you lots. Look at my best-friend-since-kid Dicky. I was in Sydney for 5 years and I have only managed to see him like 20 times in those 5 years. Just because I did not ring you up on an occasion, it doesn't mean I am NOT your friend.

3. Blame Game. This can also be due to insecurity. The absence can make people fuel up insecure guilt inside of them. The sad thing is how they have NOTHING to worry about. I do come and go and that's the way I flow. Just because I do not see you much anymore does not mean I hate you. Let alone hate, I don't even have time to list down bad things about you.

4. Guilt tripping. Oh it really hurt me how you don't give me time anymore. It really sucks how you've changed. Well, ladies and gentlemen, these are the things I would ONLY like to hear from my partner. Even if I do, if he repeats that more than three times, I would just go out and have a slurpee.
So, I'm sure after you read this, you might be wondering how much of a prick I am. That's fine!

The deal is.. I am a nice person and I have treated others with respect all of my life. And to those who I haven't, don't worry.. I've learnt from the mistakes I've done in you guys. As much as we cannot go back to history to be like before anymore, I can at least be happy that I was able to learn a lot from you guys. Yes, it's true I might have shouted in your face before but god, trust me, you've taught me well.

I do not intend to cause anything for others but blaming me for something I cannot do to make you happy..

which means I will have to go out WHEN I'm heavily dosed on antibioitcs..
go out WHEN I'm broke to avoid borrowing money from you..
not answering the phone COS I'd have my headphones on but by the time I check your missed call, I would avoid callling you because it's past sleeping hours...
So, to all of you who easily gets angry with these, SCREW YOU!!! And feel free to put me off your list.

I don't hold grudges and I'm not asking you to change. So, if you want to start a new beginning with me, you're more than welcome.

Please be considerate and play nice!!
And remember..
When I say 'NO', there is NO hidden meaning behind it...
spend more time on asking yourself why you're angry with my refusal THAN to be all raged up about my reject..
Grow up, people! It's for your own good!

Listening to: 3oh!3 – My first kiss (feat. Kei$ha)

Degayafying attempt

The worst thing that you could ever wish for a gay guy is “Hope you settle down with a beautiful girl one day”. Well, you might ask why would someone say that to a gay man. In Burma, for some really outdated old hags, being gay is a burden you have to carry through life. So, it’s a sympathy for discrimination substitute. “Oh, poor thing, he has no idea what he’s missing out on. Normal family life, a wife and kids.” Well, let’s just say someone who ‘claims’ to be me by ‘good friend’ said that to me today.

TactlessGirl won’t give up. Yesterday, as mentioned, I showed her a picture of my boyfriend. Today, out of nowhere, she came and asked me if that was true. Yes, I said. Then the conversation went like this.

TG: So what would you do if you have feelings for girls?
Me: Well, I doubt I will but if I ever do, it’s too late cos I’m already attached.
TG: I think you are handsome and attractive for women.

Now, pause button please. Since when do we have adjectives for gender? Is there a thing called ‘attractive for women’ and ‘attractive for men’?

TG: I want to be your good friend. I want you to end up with a beautiful girl in your life.
Me; I highly doubt that but thank you.

Ok, annoying much? Now, TactlessGirl has been throwing obvious hints, which could be seen from a desperate female, not to mention her ‘never subtle’ gestures. Random visits to my office room, pairing up with me for a performance, planning to dress alike for the performance and singing out of nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, this poor girl has no bad intentions but it’s just lame and very annoying the way she sways her flow accordingly to her desperate measure for a gay man, which she is not simply convinced of the pure statement that he has no reaction for vaginas.

You know, I’ve always dreamt of being a Don Juan in my life. A major heart-throb and a ‘everybody loves raymond’ figure. Somehow I changed my mind. After the guy who likes my nose, the guy who thinks he should kill himself cos he likes me and I have a boyfriend and a desperate girl who is not convinced that I am, in fact, a homosexual, I am truly tired of being liked or being a victim of easy attraction.

Why can’t they be like MrEscort or Mimi. I could tell both of them and I have mutual appreciation of each other to a certain degree but respect is always there between us to avoid awkwardness and tumbleweeds.

I feel evil saying this but god, TactlessGirl annoys me to tears. Today I went home at 5:30 pm, right after work in fear of her coming to my office room when I’m the only one left in the room.

Apparently, my colleagues also kinda informed how she was overdoing herself the first time we had a work party, not to mention her surprise attendance, as opposed to her absence in the prior parties before I joined work. I kinda feel bad for her and I hope she would get someone nice soon. I mean, she’s got the looks.. It’s just her vibes that could kill any gay man, needless of reminding them why they never like vagina-owners in the first place.

Listening to: The Ting Tings – Great DJ

Achievement - o - meter

Rumors has it that my contract at work will be extended. My reaction? Awesome!! Finally I might be able to get an iphone from my salary.

The problem here is how, in my opinion, I think that SitarBro and a few other of my colleagues are the only ones who are actually working without any ego involved. I could see a lot of hair pulling, racing to be at the top, hierarchical tug of war and fakeness from a lot of the people unfortunately. Don’t get me wrong, I DO in fact like my colleagues but things can get pretty fugly when one’s concerned and insecure about how he/she represents himself/herself. Instead of ‘hey let’s work together and get things done’, I feel like most of the people at work are more pretty much indulged in ‘hey I’m the boss here.. oh wait.. I am supervised, who might also be supervised by another supervisors’.

I mean, the bottomline here is to get things done and get people moving their asses to a mandate, ain’t it? I don’t see that happening. After an email sent to SitarBro, he will be discussing my extension and what is there to be done. I’m just so sick of having so much free time at work. And even if I’m asked to do work, the trust is NEVER there. ToyBoss or BigSis would assign me tasks and they would correct things where needed. It’s not like that here. It’s a China factory process where your work is proofread by 7000 people in between and edited by 7000 more. I don’t mind not having my finger in the ‘credit’ pie. I don’t care if they don’t mention my name but I am not a fan of having to re-correct something which might have been corrected by the supervisor himself/herself.

Another issue is how I would be put on hold when the supervisors are in charge of other things and things would lag on and on and I would be left under ‘what the flying fuck do I do now?’ phase.

I might be naïve but coming from the PR background, working here has been nothing productive nor achieved. I just feel like people don’t have the time of day. Ironically we all have time to sit through the whole meeting each week. Boy, I miss ToyBoss chasing me out of the meeting room once my task is assigned during a meeting. Le sigh.

Somehow, I do see some silver lining in this. Now, I’m being asked to design two websites. Holy cow!!!! Finally, SOMETHING I CAN DO!!! But then again, as usual, the deadline is invisible and the scope is vague. TELL ME SOMETHING NEW, PEOPLE!!!

Listening to: Lily Allen - 22

The bagan lovers

Name a place and time when I was so mad with BooMan for more than a day. BEEEEPPP!!! Time’s up and the answer is none. Well, we did break up for a while not long ago but that was only because he was being a shithead. But, aren’t we all at some point in life?

So, I met the fortune teller yesterday and he told me a very interesting story. So, apparently, BooMan and I were lovers in our past lives. It’s kinda cheeky but it’s quite justifiable given I cannot get rid of him at all no matter how hard I’ve tried and he’s madly in love with me as much as I am with him. The fortune teller also mentioned that we used to be lovers in Bagan. I got nothing to justify that BUT it’s amazing how I have always encouraged BooMan to go to Bagan with me one day when he finally comes to Burma. And for some weird reason, Bagan has always been my holidayable place in Myanmar. Always wanted to go there or take people there. So, yeah.. it’s weird and awesome at the same time.

I miss BigSis as I strolled down Shwedagon pagoda tonight. Since the fortune teller said BooMan might get a headache or two healthwise, I went and did some good deeds on his behalf at a Thursday-born corner, since BooMan’s Thursday born. It was so peaceful, except for the part when a mob of people with cameras pass by with lots of men in suits. Apparently it was some prime minister from Thailand or someone huge making a round trip. They look so young for some reason.

It was a quiet day despite being sleepy from lack of sleep the night before..

Listening to: Nicki Minaj – Check it out (feat. Will.i.am)

The great expectation

BigSis used to tell me that if you are to give someone something, it’s best to not expect back anything from them. I believe I’ve been practicing that really hard lately and it’s been quite helpful but at times, I just wish to expect not to get stress back from people I’m trying to help. It also sucks that I feel like they don’t really need my help.

BooMan totally made me upset today. I know he reads this and I can’t give a flying fuck about thinking of ways to make this sound better. I’m just quite hurt at this point and self sympathy can be such a motherfucker. I guess I’ve gone through a lot with BooMan and I was glad I could ‘virtually’ hold his hand without him asking for my help, but somehow I was glad he enjoyed my company. He got out of his ‘habit’ and I had been staying away from this habit that we could both easily adapt. It just sucks that his health’s kinda fucked up from it while mine’s still ok. I somehow have been quite stressed lately. Contract ending, album lagging, lack of motivation and a bit lonely at some point. Somehow, I have gone back to the habit and as someone who can’t really lie much to his boyfriend, I told BooMan and I was happy he was ok with it. Today, I woke up to him affected by him getting back to the habit.

I admit I did over-react. There is a thing called ‘dosage’. Sometimes, a bit of an old habit does not hurt but isn’t this where everything start? It just sucks that I will not be there if BooMan should ever leave me again because of his ‘habit’ aftermath. This will hurt me again; it’s not easy going through facebook and gmails to try to contact his stepmom, who’s not really in touch with him much, and his best-friend-formerly-known-as-his-boyfriend, who’s not really an ideal person I would like to go to, to get information about my boyfriend even though I do like him as a person.

It’s not fair how I have tried to make so much attempts to help him. I know he appreciates it but I just feel like he doesn’t need my help and as much as he’s indicated a couple of gratefulness, which could make me smile on the most fucked up day, I feel quite alienated from his life and I feel like the things I had done in the past does not really measure up to anything anyone cannot do. He has thanked me a lot of times but mostly for my existence. If there was anything I have done to myself to make that happen, it would be me being not suicidal.. well, not anymore at least. I feel unachieved and I feel like things would go the same way without me around giving him an extra help.

I still love him, don’t get me wrong, but I gotta be prepared with yet another plan B if he would ever get back to his ‘habit’ again. At first it was my sister with her divorce. I’ve tried everything to help her and she’s happy now and this morning, she had a go at me for hanging out with gay guys in Burma. And here I am just being who I am. And it also does not help that she’s been flirting with other guys while I’ve been trying to legalize their divorce, being a polite person to her ex husband who has cursed me and my family on the phone. Mom, on the other hand, is yet another blockage. I’m still trying each and everyday to pay off her debt. To make things worse, I’ve been forced to not work with one person I would love to work with in the entertainment industry, only because she owes money to this starlet’s aunty. I feel like she’s blocking every opportunities I could’ve had to blossom. Now, it’s BooMan. It’s tough because I cannot NOT care for them since I love them. I feel stupid and dumb that I went back to my habit. Even though he didn’t say it was my fault and that he did it on his own account, I hope I could’ve just stayed away from the habit.

I’m kinda lost at this point. If those people I love stress me out, I have yet to find a way to get out. I just want to get out… even if it’s for one minute….

Listening to: Coldplay – Viva la vida

In da club

I have no idea what the world is coming to. A pretty cute guy was one of those people who hung out with us. Works for our national airline and is kinda one of those ‘hard to talk’ and ‘whisper a lot to friends’ type of guy. Not to mention another dude who kept going for this FlightAttendant. FlightAttendant spoke nothing to me UNTIL someone told him that I was a singer. Now, if someone told you that somebody was a singer and if you have not heard of him/her, would you go be all talky to him/her? As for me, no way. Unless the singer is someone I know (let alone like), I would go talk to him/her. Now, FlightAttendant came and danced with me. I asked him simply how he could dance without sweating and he flashed his shirt and showed me his stomach. No six packs but I am not a fan of six packs anyways. Then, some chick came and danced between our army of homos and I was whispering to FlightAttendant how we should all ask her if she wants to come home with us. Maybe he was trying to be funny, he asked me if I wanted to take him home. (wait… in Burmese grammar, sometimes a sentence work without the subject. So actually he said wanna take home? Now, it can be implied as him asking about himself or the chick.) It was a feel good and I just laughed and that was all between me and FlightAttendant and no I went home alone.

I went out AGAIN to DJ bar this time with Loggie and Mimi. It’s been a while since SuitMan joined us and Loggie assumes he doesn’t really wanna hang out with us; I have no comments to that. It’s funny how in one year time, I am friends with almost all of the gay gangs in Burma. It’s a good feeling. I don’t know what it is that attracts them about me but I’ve never had this much attention in my life before.

The funnier thing is how I saw 4 people from DSY; KZM, DisneyCharacter, Jeweland ZM were all there; it was funny how DisneyCharacter was drunk and he kissed half of the gay guys I was dancing with. And it was also cool that I got to meet those friends I hung out with before I went for Sydney. The “Lu” siblings were there with the TTC gang. Then, there were there celebs who came and said hi to me.

Despite the fact that I would not like to be too much of a prick by thinking that I’m popular or anything, I swear I know half of the club. I don’t know. I hate to think that it’s my time but it sure does feel good to be seen and heard. A loser back in high school and an absentee from my own country, it’s not everyday you have so much friends at a night club where most people hang out on a Saturday night, be they straight or gay.

A trip to Designer’s birthday felt nice as well and it’s awesome how I’ve been drinking two whole days without anyone having to pay not more than two drinks for two days in a row while drinking almost ten glasses in two days; free drinks are always awesome!! The theory about drinking alcohol with lots of water does work. You get tipsy, as you would with the same amount of alcohol, when drunk with lots of water.

Listening to: Katy Perry – California Gurlz

A night out with Mr Escort

MrEscort and I finally met in real life. Actually, we met back some weeks ago but the introduction was abrupt and this time around it was more than a meet.

I went dinner with him and his friends, ONLY because two of our mutual friends would be there. This means he does not have to take care of me all the time and I could converse with the other two as well. The two of them didn’t show up and I ended up in a table of ten people, where I knew ONLY MrEscort.

Surprisingly, his friends were awesome. Five chicks and five other gay guys, it was a good dinner. MrEscort was pretty awesome as he gave me attention more than any of his friends. His friends kinda look intimidating actually, given most of them were well dressed and they looked good. I was very happy that they were so cool to converse with.

There was one time during the dinner when MrEscort’s friend went “He told me a lot of things about you” to me and MrEscort shushed him before he could open his mouth. GayNerd (pretty well known in Burma gay community) was pretty friendly too, as he started talking to me but he went all weird when we went clubbing afterwards. I put my elbow on his shoulder like any ‘guy friends’ would and he kinda looked uncomfortable; dude, I have a boyfriend and even if I were to cheat on him, you wouldn’t be on my list. Not that he’s not cool but he just was not my type at all.

MrEscort was no harm. There was this one gay dude who came and talked to me and he knew MrEscort as well. The best thing about clubs is how people talk loud. I could overhear him(SkinnyAss) talking with MrEscort.

MrEscort: He’s got a boyfriend and they’re monogamous.

SkinnyAss: He’s got such a hot face but if he was a bit thinner, he’d look hotter.

Ouch!!!! But hey, he did mention how I have a sweet face! That kinda beats my so called ‘needs to be thinner’ body.

I was pretty happy to hear that since I really don’t want anything awkward with MrEscort. I admit I fancy him, more because I just feel taken care of when I’m with him and his care for me is pretty appreciated. He was like BooMan without the love part and the sex part. A bit of a bromance going on there. I just know that I would refuse any invitations from him, which I could honestly be lured to but then would feel so fucked later for having cheated on (BooMan, and it would make our friendship VERY awkward.

So, I was very happy about the boundary line we both had drawn between us.

Speaking of friendship, I was glad to see Steve come for a few minutes to have drinks with me to the club. Now, this ‘VERY straight’ guy showing up at a gay night at a bar was just awesome and it was cool how he asked me to go dance after our two drinks. It just felt good to see him and hang out with him.

Vchick, PlasticBernard and Maltesers were there as well. I guess it’s pretty senseless of me not to have grudgey feelings towards Maltesers. I still think she’s immature and self-absorbed but somehow, it was nice to see her and hang out with her. Naturally, the feelings I have for her is very pure and honest. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about how she had been so immature to me before. I also felt good about myself that I felt this way.

Vchick noticed this and I told her that sometimes when you have a friend who you KNOW you could NEVER be close friends with, it’s just nice to avoid them for a while. Vchick agreed to this and I ended up having an awesome D&M with Vchick. We talked about BooMan, how I wish he was here and how it was hard for me not to think about him with all these gay men around me. We talked about how Maltesers is NOT my close friends but just an ordinary friend to me. It was really sweet of PlasticBernard as well how he was just so crazily sweet about seeing me again; this man just REALLY loves being around me and coming from such a sweet man as himself made me feel so happy that I got such a good friend like him. It was a very ‘awww’ moment.

Listening to: Good Charlotte – Like it’s her birthday

The gray area

It’s been two days since I’ve been exercising two times a day because I hate my fat body. I’ve seen the biographical flick of Karen Carpenter and I kinda doubt that’s the road I’m heading towards but when you see fats, you do see fats. Surprisingly, it’s been so easy doing exercise twice a day. Is this my new ‘exhaustion’ immunity talking? Is this vanity talking? It’s the acceptance of my gray area.

Life was NEVER meant to be easy, good or awesome. Whenever I jog on the spot in this room, I think of things to keep my adrenalins pumping. Sadly, it seems that only things that make me angry could inspire me to exert more energy.

It seems like I’ve never been getting what I want in life. It seems like I’m always happy. It seems like there’s no one to go to when I’m sad. It’s also because I do not dare to go dramatize about things to those I hang out with and I was ashamed to show them the ugly side of my life.

I always seem to be this happy guy who’s full of strength and power to heal himself after any minor falls. But the question here is “AM I REALLY HAPPY?”… No! And I’m happy that I’m not that happy all the time. I’ve seen the best in life; I believe it can get better. I’ve been through the worst; I still fear for worse things to come.

I think it’s only natural that we have a fair share of white and black areas to be able to adapt ourselves to the gray areas.

I feel fat.
I’m in love with an online boyfriend.
I’m a gay singer.
I am still awaiting my approval for permanent residency for Australia.
I am not a popular celebrity as people think I am.
I miss dad sometimes.
I wish I could be closer with my mom and sister.
I feel lonely around friends who have got a family life.
I feel ashamed when I have to kiss my grandma although I do love her lots.

Life fluctuates and we seem to be absorbed and drifted offshore to the blacks and whites of life we forgot how it feels to be neutral. As much as I love my boyfriend to death at the moment, we both cannot escape ‘death’. One day, we will have to leave each other no matter what. How long can I stay like I don’t care what my fans think about me being gay? How can I save my mom and sister?

It’s only fair that I leave myself in the unknown. If every religion were the only weapons to make this world a better place, why isn’t that happening? I guess it’s only fair to say that we all have to give ourselves a pat in the back to remind ourselves that nothing’s perfect. We can preach others but isn’t it time we preach ourselves as well? So, what now?

The answer is simple. From today onwards, I’m gonna be living in the grey area. I will embrace the best things in life while not fearing to not have days without any smiles. I don’t owe anyone anything and it’s about time the whole world knows the real me…

I have feelings!

Listening to: Plain White T’s – You and me

The ‘been there done that’ theory

I get intimidated easily; I would be quick to judge other people. The beautiful kids in high school used to piss me off. Why are they so easily accepted? Is it the money? Is it the clothes they wore? Is it their parents’ popularity? Why are they so evil to the other kids? I would even hate it when they are ACTUALLY nice to others? Are they just doing it for fame’s sake? Are they just trying to act all prepped up?

I was wrong all along. So, I hope this blog entry would somehow make you think, better you agree but it’s cool to disagree with my concepts.

There is no such thing as a cool person or not a cool person on earth. There IS a good person and a bad person and you’d be surprised how bad people could be those ‘so called’ losers as well as those ‘so called’ school jocks. So, if you are a mother of two who are still bitter about you getting a wedgie in the girls’ toilet by the head of the cheerleader, you might want to put that in the past and ACTUALLY educate your kids for a better future. If you’re a ‘loser in progress’, don’t get yourself down… you’re not and don’t be afraid to learn more about life as opposed to pleasing yourself with xbox360 in your own room. If you’re a school jock who thinks he’s reached the peak in life, just you wait for the day your dad goes bankrupt.

So, what made me say this? I have a colleague in my office, who’s DYING to perform on this special event. I offered to help her out. I have reminded her to go for rehearsals whenever she could and I would have to be free for those as well. Tact wasn’t in her ‘strength’ department and it was just so hard dealing with her.

1. TactlessGirl was excited about this and chose three songs. Good! She heard that Maltesers (another one of our colleague) was singing too. She started to worry a bit going ‘what if my songs are not good.. the others’ songs are going to be great.’ BEEEPP!!! BAD! Despite the fact that I do not really appreciate Maltesers’ presence around as much, I do have to admit she is a GREAT singer. But that’s NO EXCUSE to go compare. I know TactlessGirl does NOT mean to compete but why fret? It’s a fucking UN event!! Not an idol show!

2. She found out that we were only given five minutes for the performance. She had picked three songs before, to which I was to play guitar to. Good! However, she refused to lessen the number of songs she would be singing, chucked a tantrum and claimed she would sing three songs. BEEEP!! BAD! I told her I don’t care but I’m getting off the stage after five minutes. It’s a ‘get together’ event, NOT A WORLD TOUR!!!!


3. I asked her one day to come around 5pm, to which I hope she would understand about my English class starting at 5:30pm. She showed up at 5:25pm, ignored my other colleagues and just kept picking songs to sing. BAD!! VERY BADDD!!!

4. We were busy at work yesterday and TactlessGirl came into the office room, started singing while my other colleagues were working. I had to pull her away to the meeting room to just have her sing there. GOD!!!

5. She came in today to our small ‘not really disaster risk reducing’ room and placed her guitar there. Seriously, thanks for crowding our place.

I was so annoyed at her but then I thought back to what the actual cause of this weird ass tactless behavior that she’s been chucking. Was I being too weird to not be too excited as she is to sing in this event? Am I finding this normal just because I’ve had albums and sang live on stage before? What if I was her? Would I be annoying some professional singer and chucking guitar in his/her room?

I guess it’s the fact that we all sometimes lose ground. Nope, I don’t mean we become arrogant pricks but somehow we don’t find the ridiculously little things in life not as amusing as before.

So, putting this in my ‘been there done that’ theory, I would seem like the cool person in the whole higher hierarchical part of the ‘been there done that’ chart and she would be in the lower part, just begging to get out there. How was I like before I became a singer? Well, I learned. It is a pain in the ass to be told you’re wrong but god, you gotta be READY with what’s wrong and right about you and if you could BECOME that “Right” person in order to achieve the ‘cool’ award.

I hope TactlessGirl finds out that life is not all about singing three songs in a UN event. The event is for us to bond and have fun. Yes, it’s true I can sing anywhere I want and I sing as my career choice but that is not the reason I find her annoying to be such a bit of a prick at work. All I’m asking her is for some tactfulness.

I’m not excited for this event and I feel like I have to focus on giving time to my friends NOT during office hours. I do love some of my colleagues but god, I’m dying to not be hanging out with some of them, who, to me, are just ridiculously quite immature. It’s an office, people! You have a life after you go home! And as much as I’d love to play God to a lot of people out there who needs some kick in the butt for being on ground, I do need time to spend with those who needs to kick ME in the butt.

There’s always something to learn out there. As cool of a celebrity as I can be, I still have yet to learn from those who have made it big. Life is like a case of stairs, only endless.

Listening to: Sugababes – About you now

Breakthrough

Today marks a special day since my favorite comic introduces a gay character. This feels like the time I saw two men kissing on TV in the series “Brothers”, a surprise bi porn or two guys walking hand in hand in Burma. I’m not a huge activist but I get happy and proud when I see a pure real non-opposing action applies.

In order for a voice to be heard, I guess it’s ridiculous if you’re to actually just side one corner and dwell on how bad the other is. That’s what I see of activists lately, so bitter and torn about the past and grudgey about the future. It’s true they must have suffered a lot but don’t they want peace as opposed to war? And why would they say their opposing team is dumb when they themselves seems not as educated as one would expect them to be.

What the people at Archie comics did is smart. Always known as a light reading unbiased good message spreading comics in America, it’s awesome for them to break the majority comfort to welcome a new character into their neighbourhood, Kevin Keller. A hunky blond hair and dreamy eyed hunk and as gay as he could get, YET normal. No Judy Garland liners and nothing about cross dressing, it’s refreshing to see a plain normal gay man for once.

I am not against beautiful gay men out there who can be so different and cool at the same time. But I think it’s about time we all stand up to say being gay is not about cross dressing. It’s not about being non monogamous and promiscuous. Being gay is not about not taking responsibilities. Being gay is NOT about being expensive. Being gay is not about knowing dress sense.



Like metrosexuals making a breakthrough, I would like to see the world with more variety. Why can’t we all be gay and normal? Kevin Keller would be the first dude who would rock the normality of a gay life. With straight friends he won’t end up sucking cocks on and a personality that fits in a normal teenager neighbourhood, I hope he stays for good as one of the original Archie gangs, unlike Jughead’s girlfriend who was around for like a while only.

Being gay is all about knowing what you want in life and sticking to what you believe, to me!

Listening to: James Morrison – You make it real

On air

It was yet another weekend with KP to do our radio show. The proposal’s approved and yes, we are hitting off right away as soon as the radio station hits Yangon, our city. The name of the show’s CRAZY DJ’s and it would be either me on my own or with KP himself, babbling our asses off with 7-8 songs for a 25 minutes show on Cherry FM.

Unlike radio stations abroad, Myanmar’s radio station is not really live. It’s only fair enough since we don’t really want politics activists to bombard the only element that can bring people together; music. So, when KP let me listen to the edited version of my radio show and my first time job as a DJ on air, I nearly cried since it just sounded like my dream. I have always wanted to be a disc jockey and he’s done a pretty good job at mixing things right. Working with KP has never been an issue though. We have these crazy weird moments where we both just know what the other one of us wants.

Before working on the episode, KP and I went to phone shops since KP was buying a Blackberry for his wife as her birthday present. Watching them makes me think of BooMan. Both of them are always arguing but it was just small little arguments which later turn into a bit of a ‘pay each other out’ teases between each other. Not cheesy and natural at its best, this couple was worth spending my lazy Sunday morning. Being in the car with them also made me think of BooMan, how I wish I could spend my time with him already. I don’t know. It seems crazy but I want to be with my husband more than ever lately.

At the phone shop, they were playing Burmese songs when suddenly KP looked at me surprisingly and said ‘your album’s out?’. I was like ‘no fuckin way’ and then we found out that one of my tracks of my new album has leaked into this phone shop. Then, I noticed how. One of my fans from facebook was working there and I’ve given him one of my finished songs as a sample. But I never knew he was gonna play that in the open as a leak track. Unethical and wrong but KP and I were so happy that my track was actually played at stores. He was going on about how leakage never means songs to be played just anywhere and how only GOOD songs were played. Haha thanx KP!

I was a bit nervous about doing a show with KP. KP does not really have English as his major first language and I do NOT want to outspeak him in the show. I do not want my wits to come across as intimidating or stealing his spotlight; it’s even riskier because we’re best of friends.

Once we started recording, things went smooth. KP and I were natural DJs, paying each other out and giving each other chances to have a bit of spotlight or embarrassing moments. Both were willing to goof around while being smart asses on air. There was a point I tried to piss him off by doing robotic voice and there was a moment where he called me a dummy. There was also a time when I tried to record a track while he was gone for toilet break. It was kinda set up but it was just natural and an ease.

I was glad BooMan was still online since I promised him I would be online at 1pm and I was working for the radio show until 5pm. We talked for a couple of minutes but no thanks to the stupid connection, we had to stop chatting and quit without any goodbyes. I was happy I got to send him my radio show, some parts of it and I got to say goodbye and I love you on the phone when I rang him as soon as I got home.

I’ve promised BooMan that I will play one of his favorite tracks on my first show on radio. He chose Kylie Minogue. It was funny when I brought that up to KP. KP is a punk band frontman and having Kylie Minogue on the first day of the show he’s producing was just funny; we had a two seconds silence. He didn’t mind and he let that pass but it was funny how he mentioned to his wife later how I have somehow managed to insert a gay icon artist along with other rock bands on the first episode of a show he’s produced. I was just happy that song got through.

I can’t wait for this program to premier and air in public!

Listening to: Armin Van Buuren – Not giving up on love (feat. Sophie Ellis Bextor)

Year of the tiger girls

Before you read this entry, I want to remind all of you readers that I, in fact, do not actually press the ‘backspace’ button while writing this blog, unless it’s a bad spelling error. I am also the type that opinionates a lot and if you are mature enough, you would know that everything is in my perspective point of view. What’s right or wrong? You’d be the judge!!

I FINALLY saw the Tiger Girls. I read their interview on guardian.co.uk and to be honest I envy them and I’m also proud of them as a Burmese citizen to have a music group representing Burma in a way. After reading the interview, I was a bit disgusted at how the view was a bit wrong about the music industry in Myanmar. Now, it’s true that Burmese people still play a techno version of Country Road in disco bars and how the song “Hotel California” is still played in pubs by live bands. In the interview, the manager of the band, a very funky lady I know, has mentioned how undeveloped Myanmar music industry is. It’s not true! She also mentioned how Myanmar has this habit of copying western songs and inserting Burmese language, without any respect for copyrights. That is true! And that’s why you have people like me and a whole lot of other bands trying to inject some sense into our fans for actually GOOD ORIGINAL NEW music. Now, why do I say Myanmar music is not undeveloped? Well, it’s because we do know our shit.

Tiger Girls channels Spice Girls, which was not that bad of an idea for artists do get inspired from any other bands that had already been out there before their time. But, Spice Girls? You’ve got to be kidding!! Myanmar people KNOW and LOVE Spice Girls and just because most of us choose to listen to Eagles or John Denver does NOT necessarily mean we do NOT know music. Especially during these days, most of us listen to Iyaz, Rihanna and Justin Beiber as mainstream music. And why channel a band that we have loved and grown tired of? If Tiger Girls were to ‘improve’ Myanmar music, channeling a dead manufactured band is quite a miserable act.

So, trying to sound as neutral as I can, I’m gonna state out MY point of view on these sexy ladies. Let’s start with the CONS.

- Originality!! The band lacks originality since first of all, they channel the Spice Girls. Spice Girls were manufactured but the girls seem like they know their stuffs but Tiger Girls still needs to know what their little nicknames mean. And the whole naming system: Electro Tiger, Baby Tiger, Tricky Tiger, Chilly Tiger and one Tiger which I’ve forgotten is pretty much unoriginal and quite lame in my opinion.
- Wardrobe. Now, these ladies do NOT look horribly bad. They do not really have that glamor factor but with a better sense in clothing, these girls can ACTUALLY look classier as opposed to wearing jeans rags, which looks like products of an airy market in Thailand. Don’t get me wrong! As a singer myself, I do buy cheap clothing but there are ways of dressing yourself; classy would be ideal for these babes.
- Image. This also goes out with the originality factor. I’m a fan of people who sets trends or make history. Now, I know that these girls have chosen the female audience to show them how powerful women can be. Voices can be heard and all that. But you could tell that Electro Tiger has NO CLUE how she got her name.
- Copied songs. They sang a couple of songs and I noticed two of them are copies of Gorillaz’ Dare and Jennifer Paige’s Crush. I would not really expect this from a product that is managed by a Caucasian. Why ride the unethical copyright boat when you have every freedom to make your own music and make the songs own tuned? I’ve seen their manager before and she’s one capable hot lady and I am friends with their producer (I think) and he’s a pretty cool guy who seems pretty creative. Something must’ve gone wrong.

Now, to the PROs part. Don’t get me wrong, people! I do see a lot of potentials in these girls and here is my two cents on the good parts of Tiger Girls.

- Voices. They sing BETTER than Spice Girls. They ACTUALLY CAN SING!!! But I was pretty upset to see them lip syncing last night but then again, it’s only fair they do that while dancing on marshmallow looking props. But then again, they weren’t moving much and the dance wasn’t choreographed to the point where they would need to lose voices as they sing. Like the Spice Girls, they just stand there and pose.
- THEY DO NOT REQUIRE AUTOTUNES!! I’m SO SO SO SICK of Myanmar celebrities using auto tune as a huge advantage to get rid of their ‘not in tune’ voices. You COULD tell how these ladies can ACTUALLY sing because despite the little fixture (well most good singers have to go through that phase) in their voices, you cannot really spot the auto tune effect and I find that quite fulfilling. I cheers to that, ladies!!
- Dances. I was surprised at how they actually look like they’re dancing. Burmese dancers make me sick and I think these girls have proven Burma wrong that we will never have good dancers in Myanmar. The choreography was not impressive but they can move in style and they can actually adapt to not looking stupid on stage. I was pretty impressed at how they look quite pro in striking their poses, given if the other dancers do it, it would look like limp amputees on stage.
- Manufactured. I am very envious of their production. It seems like their producer and manager have worked shit load on this and I will admit, I am very impressed by how a manufactured band is ACTUALLY possible in Myanmar. Press conferences, shows and promotions done right and quite professional. These people do NOT hesitate to be all stingy about certain things. It’s all about getting the best (ironically not that best) with as little money as possible in Myanmar and this totally fucks up the artistic production point in Myanmar. These girls seem pretty professionally manufactured. If there was a reality show about these girls, I would actually stay at home to check it out and I have to say I wish I have a manager and a producer like these girls do. Lucky girls!!!

So, you see.. it’s not all about bad points when it comes to Tiger Girls. I was pretty impressed at some stuffs they pulled off. Their faces DO look genuine and not slutty or bitchy and that was a bit of a surprise. On the looks department, apart from Baby Tiger, the rest of them looks like Thai massage chicks. And no it’s not because they’re ugly! I believe these can change with a better image, wardrobe and a proper professional make up.

Spice Girls is dead! Burma’s not that outdated. I think that if you want to make a product to impress the audience and for them to respect you, you ought to respect them first and not underestimate their tastes in music. Be innovative. Be new! Be rebellious! Be good at fusing classics with the next generation. Ignoring the very bad cliché band name “Tiger Girls” (some people thought it was some beer company chicks) which cannot be avoidable or re-doable, I wish them the best and I wish the girls and the people working for them learn as they progress. Burma does need a change. And it would be nice to have a proper ethical change which would lead others in the right direction as opposed to blending in with the dirty works that a lot of others have done before.

Listening to: Faye Wong – Eyes on me

Freaky friday

The website, FML.com, was invented for my life on the first of October, 2010. Thanks to ToyBoss, I think I rather list it down than write it in a huge ass paragraph to drown my sorrow. Oh woe is me *dramatize*.

1. I came to work today jumping around hoping to cash out my paycheck at the bank. Got all the details on how to do this and while I was just going out, the finance dude came in to tell me that the bank was closed today. There goes my weekend, broke and pretty much boring.
2. I got into my office room to find out that the stealing thief of a coward, who I used to work with during PR4, was going to spend his first day at work in the same department in UN. Worst thing, he was going to sit in our room. I mean, seriously, if our field of work, Disaster Risk Reduction, was to ever reduce any risk of disaster, I would so vote our 13 x 13 feet room with nine people in it, not to mention the huge ass furniture and cabinets. If I should ever stretch my hand or yawn, I swear it would hit the person sitting next to me. Reduce disaster risk much?
3. My sister came online to ask me to tell my driver about my grandparents’ arrival time and date. I called my house but the driver was not there. Then, she came online to ask me if I had done it. When I told her that I’ve asked my maids to tell my driver, she reported back to grand-dad, who got a bit upset because I did not do exactly what he asked. (which was to tell the driver in person on the phone). My grand-dad is nearing Moby in micro managing.
4. I FINALLY have to work today and honestly, I find my Partner quite lazy. UncPal was in charge of supervising both of us and I was there doing most of the work that Partner was supposed to be doing. What did I get out of it? UncPal asked me to motivate Partner more and Partner gave me a subtle suggestion that I show her the documents before handing it to UncPal. I mean UncPal was asking for it. What was I supposed to say? Sorry, I’m using facebook now because someone is being a lazy ass to ‘initiate’ her part in our project. The worse thing is how I actually like Partner and do not want to offend her.
5. I didn’t get to talk properly with BooMan only because I was wasting half of our conversation on my newfound temptation-driven “OMG I find it so hard to not flirt with other men”, which was a bit of a time waster cos come on, despite the fact that I love attention, I am too chicken of a man to ever cheat on my partner again. GOD!!!
6. I came home and wasted two hours thinking of what to do on a Friday night and called Loggie. I tried to call Mimi but his phone was busy and Loggie and I ended up doing nothing but staying home on a Friday night.
7. I am binge eating right now thinking about how fucked my day was. Go go gadget fat production.

Amidst all of these tragic incidents, BigSis made me smile. So, she totally wants me to go to KL to meet BooMan, even if she had to pay for the air ticket, to which I could pay her back later. I know BooMan can handle that, given I can pay him back later but the thought and the timing was perfect.

Even cuter, now that she’s had contacts with BooMan, BigSis has him on her gtalk. I told her it was good that she has BooMan on her list since I could check up on BooMan if he ever blocks me. She thinks it was too long of a stretch in the future that my mindset was in. Then, when BooMan finally logged off, BigSis messaged me with her newfound paranoia if BooMan had blocked, which was actually her “O I think I am so funny” mockery of a prank. Just you wait, BigSis.. like brother, like sister, I can be quite as evil as you.

Listening to: Maroon 5 - I won't go home without you