I remember the day when I was freaking about my oversea relationship, about how I was hooked on a guy who I’ve never met in my life and back then, we weren’t actually coupled up par say. BigSis told me the most valuable words of all time; a relationship is not tough before you own it, but it sure is once you own it. Those words echo in my brain today.
Chick flicks are supposed to make me feel good but it was a bit of a mistake watching Sex and the city 2 after I woke up from the most uncalled horrible afternoon nap which followed yet another unnecessary row I had with BooMan. It didn’t really help at all that it started with a gay wedding. So, a young Hein who used to believe in purity of a relationship, the monogamous simplicity of two people regardless of gender and the ever notorious gay promiscuity and the beauty which lies within the commitment itself after the whole trouble of testing our faith. I don’t really see that anymore for some reason today. I think things are getting dull as we breathe day by day.
I disappointed BooMan a week ago when I stopped him from coming to Myanmar or just meeting up halfway in Malaysia. It’s always been a dream to be able to touch the man I love, despite the whole storyline of meeting online yet feeling like I’ve known him since forever. Call me a nutjob but I believe in fortune tellers. I was told that I would finally be able to meet BooMan and live happily after with him in one place pretty soon. So, I was pretty worried that I was gonna meet him soon but without my settlement news in Australia. What if I am meeting him only this time round and the next would just be me and him being oversea from each other. I felt stupid for having said no to him and since that day, I’ve somehow stopped blogging and pretty much felt stupid or just fucked in the head for my own action.
What is it with men? Why do they always make me feel like a trophy wife during the first few months of dating and getting to know each other and once you have him in your hand it’s all downhill and every breath you take with him in your head just becomes a routine for him whereas it’s like a fairytale come true for you everytime he chucks the line “I love you” no matter how cheesy you feel. I am proud to say that I am quite happily adapting to being a partner of a man who’s majorly best friends with his ex. Used to share a dog together, sharing a car at the moment and today, his ex was gonna come over to leave his new puppy with him and the next thing you get shoved at in your face was a promising “I might not be able to come online since doesn’t like to get off the house when it rains”. I didn’t know if I should blame the weather or just myself for being pretty annoyed at the fact that I was not gonna be able to have more time with my partner because of his ex who wouldn’t leave his house when it rains. That’s what I mean. You see. An online chat, which seems like a fairytale to me, and it’s just another routine to him which he could shove off when he has to leave.
The worst thing about today was how it reminded me of me when I was with Simon, my ex. “What happened to the brave confident Hein I used to know?” were his words which scared me to death and still would linger on like Freddy Kruger’s nightmare to the ‘now grown up’ teens. I admit I can be needy and I do need a lot of high maintenance of attention. Especially at my lowest peak after I managed to barely survive from a self-loathing phase, I was pretty much vulnerable to anything that can have two meanings when thought of pessimistically.
I couldn’t talk anymore and I couldn’t even think of what I would do next. As I walked home, half crying of fear and anxiety that has built upon me from becoming Simon’s boyfriend, I couldn’t stop thinking what if this was a downhill ride to a relationship. Yes, Hein, you did it again.. you fucked up big time.
I have given up finding joy in going to 50 street to socialize with expats or going out with gay men in Myanmar since the day I stopped drinking, which I did to fight alcohol with my partner. Somehow, I see myself not being able to keep a happy face at every events that I forced myself to go. Of course, the first few minutes would be heaven given I’ve always enjoyed a bit of a social outing but after that moment, I would see myself cornering into a couch, leaning back with a drink I would not be enjoying and thinking of how pretty fucked up my life is, not to be living with my partner or just pretty much kept in the unknowns of whether I would end up permanently in Australia or not.
A slap in the face for the umpteenth time, I’ve grown sick of myself, more insecure and pretty much unstable. If there was a way up to reach the star that we wish for, I’m losing my pace, let alone the ladder, to escalate myself to grabbing my goals in life.
For now, I’ve decided that I don’t wanna upset my partner once again with my insecurity. He has his life, so do I and I need to fix mine. I used to depend on his presence for the courage to get to where I want to but I think I’ve reached the point where I can only do this on my own. It will kill me but once you know that your partner’s existence is useless, you just have to better yourself.
I’ve been telling people about how I like to learn from my mistakes and maybe this was my only opportunity to make it better for myself. I’ve reached the top and I think it’s time to tumble to the ground to set a higher ground of goals and aims to hold onto.
Fuck relationship…. I can’t think of anything that could make me happy anymore at this point. I need a vacation…. With myself.
Chick flicks are supposed to make me feel good but it was a bit of a mistake watching Sex and the city 2 after I woke up from the most uncalled horrible afternoon nap which followed yet another unnecessary row I had with BooMan. It didn’t really help at all that it started with a gay wedding. So, a young Hein who used to believe in purity of a relationship, the monogamous simplicity of two people regardless of gender and the ever notorious gay promiscuity and the beauty which lies within the commitment itself after the whole trouble of testing our faith. I don’t really see that anymore for some reason today. I think things are getting dull as we breathe day by day.
I disappointed BooMan a week ago when I stopped him from coming to Myanmar or just meeting up halfway in Malaysia. It’s always been a dream to be able to touch the man I love, despite the whole storyline of meeting online yet feeling like I’ve known him since forever. Call me a nutjob but I believe in fortune tellers. I was told that I would finally be able to meet BooMan and live happily after with him in one place pretty soon. So, I was pretty worried that I was gonna meet him soon but without my settlement news in Australia. What if I am meeting him only this time round and the next would just be me and him being oversea from each other. I felt stupid for having said no to him and since that day, I’ve somehow stopped blogging and pretty much felt stupid or just fucked in the head for my own action.
What is it with men? Why do they always make me feel like a trophy wife during the first few months of dating and getting to know each other and once you have him in your hand it’s all downhill and every breath you take with him in your head just becomes a routine for him whereas it’s like a fairytale come true for you everytime he chucks the line “I love you” no matter how cheesy you feel. I am proud to say that I am quite happily adapting to being a partner of a man who’s majorly best friends with his ex. Used to share a dog together, sharing a car at the moment and today, his ex was gonna come over to leave his new puppy with him and the next thing you get shoved at in your face was a promising “I might not be able to come online since
The worst thing about today was how it reminded me of me when I was with Simon, my ex. “What happened to the brave confident Hein I used to know?” were his words which scared me to death and still would linger on like Freddy Kruger’s nightmare to the ‘now grown up’ teens. I admit I can be needy and I do need a lot of high maintenance of attention. Especially at my lowest peak after I managed to barely survive from a self-loathing phase, I was pretty much vulnerable to anything that can have two meanings when thought of pessimistically.
I couldn’t talk anymore and I couldn’t even think of what I would do next. As I walked home, half crying of fear and anxiety that has built upon me from becoming Simon’s boyfriend, I couldn’t stop thinking what if this was a downhill ride to a relationship. Yes, Hein, you did it again.. you fucked up big time.
I have given up finding joy in going to 50 street to socialize with expats or going out with gay men in Myanmar since the day I stopped drinking, which I did to fight alcohol with my partner. Somehow, I see myself not being able to keep a happy face at every events that I forced myself to go. Of course, the first few minutes would be heaven given I’ve always enjoyed a bit of a social outing but after that moment, I would see myself cornering into a couch, leaning back with a drink I would not be enjoying and thinking of how pretty fucked up my life is, not to be living with my partner or just pretty much kept in the unknowns of whether I would end up permanently in Australia or not.
A slap in the face for the umpteenth time, I’ve grown sick of myself, more insecure and pretty much unstable. If there was a way up to reach the star that we wish for, I’m losing my pace, let alone the ladder, to escalate myself to grabbing my goals in life.
For now, I’ve decided that I don’t wanna upset my partner once again with my insecurity. He has his life, so do I and I need to fix mine. I used to depend on his presence for the courage to get to where I want to but I think I’ve reached the point where I can only do this on my own. It will kill me but once you know that your partner’s existence is useless, you just have to better yourself.
I’ve been telling people about how I like to learn from my mistakes and maybe this was my only opportunity to make it better for myself. I’ve reached the top and I think it’s time to tumble to the ground to set a higher ground of goals and aims to hold onto.
Fuck relationship…. I can’t think of anything that could make me happy anymore at this point. I need a vacation…. With myself.
Listening to: Keri Hilson – Return the flavor (feat. Timbland)
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