BigSis used to tell me that if you are to give someone something, it’s best to not expect back anything from them. I believe I’ve been practicing that really hard lately and it’s been quite helpful but at times, I just wish to expect not to get stress back from people I’m trying to help. It also sucks that I feel like they don’t really need my help.
BooMan totally made me upset today. I know he reads this and I can’t give a flying fuck about thinking of ways to make this sound better. I’m just quite hurt at this point and self sympathy can be such a motherfucker. I guess I’ve gone through a lot with BooMan and I was glad I could ‘virtually’ hold his hand without him asking for my help, but somehow I was glad he enjoyed my company. He got out of his ‘habit’ and I had been staying away from this habit that we could both easily adapt. It just sucks that his health’s kinda fucked up from it while mine’s still ok. I somehow have been quite stressed lately. Contract ending, album lagging, lack of motivation and a bit lonely at some point. Somehow, I have gone back to the habit and as someone who can’t really lie much to his boyfriend, I told BooMan and I was happy he was ok with it. Today, I woke up to him affected by him getting back to the habit.
I admit I did over-react. There is a thing called ‘dosage’. Sometimes, a bit of an old habit does not hurt but isn’t this where everything start? It just sucks that I will not be there if BooMan should ever leave me again because of his ‘habit’ aftermath. This will hurt me again; it’s not easy going through facebook and gmails to try to contact his stepmom, who’s not really in touch with him much, and his best-friend-formerly-known-as-his-boyfriend, who’s not really an ideal person I would like to go to, to get information about my boyfriend even though I do like him as a person.
It’s not fair how I have tried to make so much attempts to help him. I know he appreciates it but I just feel like he doesn’t need my help and as much as he’s indicated a couple of gratefulness, which could make me smile on the most fucked up day, I feel quite alienated from his life and I feel like the things I had done in the past does not really measure up to anything anyone cannot do. He has thanked me a lot of times but mostly for my existence. If there was anything I have done to myself to make that happen, it would be me being not suicidal.. well, not anymore at least. I feel unachieved and I feel like things would go the same way without me around giving him an extra help.
I still love him, don’t get me wrong, but I gotta be prepared with yet another plan B if he would ever get back to his ‘habit’ again. At first it was my sister with her divorce. I’ve tried everything to help her and she’s happy now and this morning, she had a go at me for hanging out with gay guys in Burma. And here I am just being who I am. And it also does not help that she’s been flirting with other guys while I’ve been trying to legalize their divorce, being a polite person to her ex husband who has cursed me and my family on the phone. Mom, on the other hand, is yet another blockage. I’m still trying each and everyday to pay off her debt. To make things worse, I’ve been forced to not work with one person I would love to work with in the entertainment industry, only because she owes money to this starlet’s aunty. I feel like she’s blocking every opportunities I could’ve had to blossom. Now, it’s BooMan. It’s tough because I cannot NOT care for them since I love them. I feel stupid and dumb that I went back to my habit. Even though he didn’t say it was my fault and that he did it on his own account, I hope I could’ve just stayed away from the habit.
I’m kinda lost at this point. If those people I love stress me out, I have yet to find a way to get out. I just want to get out… even if it’s for one minute….
BooMan totally made me upset today. I know he reads this and I can’t give a flying fuck about thinking of ways to make this sound better. I’m just quite hurt at this point and self sympathy can be such a motherfucker. I guess I’ve gone through a lot with BooMan and I was glad I could ‘virtually’ hold his hand without him asking for my help, but somehow I was glad he enjoyed my company. He got out of his ‘habit’ and I had been staying away from this habit that we could both easily adapt. It just sucks that his health’s kinda fucked up from it while mine’s still ok. I somehow have been quite stressed lately. Contract ending, album lagging, lack of motivation and a bit lonely at some point. Somehow, I have gone back to the habit and as someone who can’t really lie much to his boyfriend, I told BooMan and I was happy he was ok with it. Today, I woke up to him affected by him getting back to the habit.
I admit I did over-react. There is a thing called ‘dosage’. Sometimes, a bit of an old habit does not hurt but isn’t this where everything start? It just sucks that I will not be there if BooMan should ever leave me again because of his ‘habit’ aftermath. This will hurt me again; it’s not easy going through facebook and gmails to try to contact his stepmom, who’s not really in touch with him much, and his best-friend-formerly-known-as-his-boyfriend, who’s not really an ideal person I would like to go to, to get information about my boyfriend even though I do like him as a person.
It’s not fair how I have tried to make so much attempts to help him. I know he appreciates it but I just feel like he doesn’t need my help and as much as he’s indicated a couple of gratefulness, which could make me smile on the most fucked up day, I feel quite alienated from his life and I feel like the things I had done in the past does not really measure up to anything anyone cannot do. He has thanked me a lot of times but mostly for my existence. If there was anything I have done to myself to make that happen, it would be me being not suicidal.. well, not anymore at least. I feel unachieved and I feel like things would go the same way without me around giving him an extra help.
I still love him, don’t get me wrong, but I gotta be prepared with yet another plan B if he would ever get back to his ‘habit’ again. At first it was my sister with her divorce. I’ve tried everything to help her and she’s happy now and this morning, she had a go at me for hanging out with gay guys in Burma. And here I am just being who I am. And it also does not help that she’s been flirting with other guys while I’ve been trying to legalize their divorce, being a polite person to her ex husband who has cursed me and my family on the phone. Mom, on the other hand, is yet another blockage. I’m still trying each and everyday to pay off her debt. To make things worse, I’ve been forced to not work with one person I would love to work with in the entertainment industry, only because she owes money to this starlet’s aunty. I feel like she’s blocking every opportunities I could’ve had to blossom. Now, it’s BooMan. It’s tough because I cannot NOT care for them since I love them. I feel stupid and dumb that I went back to my habit. Even though he didn’t say it was my fault and that he did it on his own account, I hope I could’ve just stayed away from the habit.
I’m kinda lost at this point. If those people I love stress me out, I have yet to find a way to get out. I just want to get out… even if it’s for one minute….
Listening to: Coldplay – Viva la vida
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