The Climb

Never in my life have I ever imagined myself working in this 'development' workfield. Yes, I found out that my work is not actually humanitarian based since we're in the developing era. But hey, I got the job and this is my second project with the PR team. Never in my life have I ever imagined myself planning work plans and drawing flow charts for experts. That's what I have been doing for the past few days. Never have I ever imagined I would be transferred to another country with airflights charges, accomo charges and perdium paid and here I am with a 90% of going to Thailand next month for a week to work on a task with one of the experts in Thailand. Never have I imagined I would end up in an interview room interviewing people.

I don't really know the mentality behind an interviewer but the last time I interviewed a person was during Med Revue, when I had to interview some people to see who could make it in the cast. I had to reject some, I had to put some in and I had to think like none of them are my friends just to be in the safe unbiased zone.

It's weird being in a room with three other colleagues with questions I was about to ask these enumerators who were going to be data team assistant. I was the mental good cop. I made sure I let them know there's no such thing as the right answer. I gave them scenarios; those who's worked with us before would get scenarios that had to do with data but those who hadn't worked with us would get questions according to their past experiences.

The downfall of all this was the Burmese hierarchical mentality. Aunty wasn't happy that I was in the same position as her judging the candidates. I really don't know what her problem is to be honest. It's true she was responsible for the operational part but as someone who's responsible for the technical division of work, I have every right to interview whoever I want. She felt like we have violated her plan. The thing was she had always been stubborn with her plan and she had not taken any initiatives to discuss with the higher boss.

Ok, the flow charts and the modules that I came up with were all part of my intiatives. As someone who's done this project last five months ago and as someone who's been promoted to the data analyst assistant level, I have more responsibilities now than ever. So, I've taken the initiatives to do work out all the stuffs and revise all the details we did in the last project just so I can be on the touch and go for any questions asked during this new project. The thing was Aunty felt left out but it was only cos she didn't ask around. I do feel like a bit of a goody two shoes or an apple polisher asking my boss and others about what to do but I rather I'm prepared than left dumbfounded when the time comes. So yeah, I handled things my way.

It was not long after I sat interviewing 11 people that I was asked to interview this dude for a database assistant with the highest boss, ToyBoss. I was honored to be honest but also nervous but after that interview, ToyBoss treated me as her friend and asked me what I thought. The moment she said that, I felt my eyes tickle. I just couldn't believe I was in this position where people could rely or depend on my point of views.

I'm modest I know but I'm just glad how much of a long way I've come and even glad that I've been doing a great job for both my bosses. It's hard work manhandling tasks one by one and going against time, but god damn, it's a good feeling once you know you get everything done.

Workaholic much? Indeedy :)

iCandy

Eboo, my mom's favorite dog taken over by my bootiful leg that he likes to hump, has been my alarm clock lately. He sleeps in my room since I have an air con and I have to make sure I open the door for his highness every morning before he pees or poos all over the floor in my room.

So, I've settled out with Craig. I mean, it wasn't my intention to go all angry on him. It's tiring to go mad on him and I really love him but I guess as promised, I do have to be honest about things and tell him how much he hurt me during the past few days. I'm glad he could understand. I mean, if I were him, I'd be a bit egoistic to fall prey to the blame. So, I guess him being this way made me love him more despite my angry rants at him.

So, I have to admit, I have been eyeing at this dude from Brisbane from another work. No, I am not onto him cos 1. I'm not single. 2. he's not gay either. But instead, I've been trying to hook my boss up with him and it's a thrill when Boss told me she found him quite hot. So, after work, me and Boss decided to have beer together since it's been a long day. She requested 'Friendship' restaurant while I proposed Peppers. She gave in and as we passed 'Friendship" to get to Peppers (since they were pretty much closed to each other), my Boss chucked a horrific excited yelp and went OMG there's iCandy at Friendship.

First of all, his name ISN'T iCandy. But yeah we don't really call him iCandy either. Just for blogging purpose as we all know some people likes to be not known on my blog. So, I saw him as well and me and Boss both decided to eat at Friendship. We passed the table he was sitting on, hoping he would spot us. He didn't. So, our second attempt was sitting right opposite to his view, not aware that his friend sitting in front of him has this huge ass box in front of him that would block his view towards us. Two epic fails and we drank ourselves to Stress and Desperation lol.

So, while we were drinking since I was facing their table and my Boss was giving her back to them, I saw them start to leave. Then I shouted his names on top of my lungs. Boss got startled and got ready in a 'O it's you .. fancy meeting you here' position. It wasn't long before he was out of sight that I noticed how much of a deaf person he is. He didn't hear me. Then, I saw him fading away into the dark and thumbed a cab. Then, I was teasing Boss if he would pass us with the taxi and before you know it, he sure did. I shouted his name once again to the road across our table, and as deaf as he was, he didn't hear/see us.

Me and Boss adjectified his name, which would mean Aussie blokes who are so hot but also who has no friggin idea of what revolves around them and are just uselessly shy and numb. Oh blokes blokes.... why art thou so difficult?

Reality Awakes Me

Something has totally shaken me awake today. In my last blog entry, I was going on about how jealous I feel about Craig putting his ex on his status. The fact is, I shouldn't. However, I think I should stop thinking about the future as well. Let's get real.

Being friends with an ex-boyfriend is rare but it's awesome. I, myself, have believed in it and I think I have tried my best to go on with Simon as friends. When I was with Simon, he told me about his ex, Neil, who he's best friends with. But then again, they both lead their different lives. But that's only because I was with Simon. Now, looking on Craig's side, he's there on his own without me and I think he has every right to hang out with his ex and treat his ex special.

But that also reminds me that I ONLY exist online and my dream of whatever is to come is to be blocked off my mind from today. I don't want to look ahead, I don't want to plan for my future, I don't want to even see anything that's supposed to be there for me and most importantly, I need to get real.

I guess it hurts that I can't be there with Craig at the moment. I got nothing against his ex. In fact, I think his ex is cool. While I'm here existing online, I can't help but feel helpless and secondary to him, regardless of what he says about me. It's true I've never met such a beautiful soul as Craig does. But, not to forget, where I come from, we all lead different lives and we don't depend on each other unless they're our partner or family members. Mine's worse since I don't even depend much on my family members when it comes to attention or just mentally dependency. I think everyone has their own little issues or baggages.

I guess I just want a boyfriend who can rely or depend mostly on me but at the moment, it's not his fault that I am not there. However, human nature has its fix on me and my behavior towards this is loss of motivation. I don't know what to feel or think about this at the moment. But I do want to be real..

and the reality is...

I'm alone in Yangon and I do NOT have a boyfriend I can go out with and clean his room for :(

truth sucks but it's time to face it......

Beautiful Sunday

An ideal day. Everything went well as planned, except Craig not being online but it only means one thing: he's doing his assignment, which was good. It's nice to see someone was having a productive day as well. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, the green eyed monster was in me even though it shouldn't be. So, Craig's status on facebook mentioned about how lucky he was that I called from Burma and how his ex came and cleaned his house and all that. Now, I know his ex is harmless and it's awesome that he's a nice guy. But it just made me think if I ever have that much closeness with my ex, Craig would be jealous as well. I don't know.. I guess I have to live with the fact that I'm gonna be friends with this guy who knows Craig way more than I do. I don't know. This is one of those moments where I just wish I have an ex who I'm tres close with. Anyways, there's nothing I could do and I might as well just forget about it. But yeah, I'm quite curious about what Simon's up to. Maybe I should be more friendly with my ex.. hmmm

That reminds me actually.Simon's been on a messaging spree on facebook. I have no idea what he would have to tell me about. This is where the whole 'pleasing Hein' starts to piss me off. I would listen to Craig talking about his past or things he's doing with his ex cos to be honest, I don't give a shit. I choose to trust him. Then, we have Simon who would come tell me about how his boyfriend's been a pooface and still I would listen. What am I? A walking ear? Sometimes I just wish I could just be on my own again, doing whatever I want. Just a thought..... just a thought

So, why was my day ideal? Well, everything went as planned. I went to KC and got my song from him, got his lyrics for his rap part, went to pedicure and then off to my friend's farewell. It was funny how this was the first party work-related that has a LOT OF gay men. So, the only gay man in our office, Sayang, is leaving in two weeks. The gay dude with kids (lucky bastard) who's been really nice to me in meetings is also leaving in two days. Now, we've got this dude who's also gay, who I never knew was one since he looked more mature and manly as opposed to being flamboyantly loud. There was this other gay dude as well, who Girlfriend tried to hook me up with, who is just almighty weird. Since I've never talked about him, why don't we swerve our blog entry to him for now..

So, this dude, MapleLeaf, is into men. And he doesn't say it and he likes me cos I seem to be 'not feminine'. Girlfriend tried to hook me up with him once and we exchanged details and added each other on facebook. Then, for some reason, he just started to ignore me on his bad days and talk to me on his good days. Mood swings at his best. Ok, I understand Craig can chuck a bit of a lows and highs in one hour but that's NOTHING compared to MapleLeaf's mood swings.

He had a haircut and I was just complimenting and as it turned out, I was the ONLY person in the party who noticed that. He gave me an evil look when I went 'See I noticed!!'. Then I chucked a "What's up with that, dude?" look back at him. Then, we just drifted apart.

Now, during the party, one lady brought two little girls, her daughter and her daughter's friend. They started to use the huge Pathein umbrellas, which Sayang has used as a decor for his party, as building materials to build a house.I helped them out and they started to call me "Bob the Builder".Cute!! Then, they started inviting me over and before you know it I ended up playing tea party with a five year old and a six year old while the other people from this UN, development or humanitarian work start talking about stuffs, that I could not really drop my attention to. It was nice to play with the kids. Their mother was impressed and she's thinking about having me as their babysitters. Hahaha, at least she didn't mistake me for a pedophile, which was good. Then, we got ToyBoss and her awesome cute little baby, who kept biting his hand and dripping saliva everywhere. The baby was cute but I cannot resist not wiping his saliva away from his mouth. I guess, the next thing to do on my planner would be to buy him a pacifier. Seriously I can't stand the sight of babies drooling.

I came home and finished all the modules I was supposed to. A good day.. could've been better but I'm not complaining. And I'm glad my boss has FINALLY managed to talk slash flirt with Eyecandy from Brisbane. He's this really hot bloke, who's been REALLY friendly and nice to me. You know, I don't know what I'm into but seriously I dig this dude.. but more as a hang out bud. I don't know... sometimes it's awesome to have a 'dude' like friend for a change as an eyecandy as well.

The DJ Bar Blues

My neck was getting worse. The left side of my neck ached. I think it's the inner muscle that's fucking up and I feel ten times older than I actually am that I've started to feel this way. God, I hate things I can't grab and correct. If only I could see what's happening and plumb it with my own hands.

Saturday has been an epic fail in terms of planning. I have planned to go to GermanChick's bbq and pedicure. Before all that, I planned to go online to go talk with Craig for a mighty few minutes only since he'd be working on his Law assignment.

The night before, i went to DJ Bar. So, this was the place where most kids in Burma hang out now a days. A small smoky room full of so many types of people. Emo dressed up guys, who dance either on their own or with other guys to dance music, could never define the phrase 'gender preference'. Chicks were sitting on barstools and some were dancing on the dancefloor; most of them could have been arrested by the fashion police to the point where DJ bar would be left with guys only. Some caucasians were there and they KNOW they were the center of attention. I've heard myths about how hookers love these caucasians, only cos it's like pleasure and business at the same time. A Burmese hooker's local clients would just consist of some virgin boy who wants to have gang bang with her or sweaty businessmen who would just spend around five minutes to relieve their mojo drive, but this would end up with the hooker left with sweat and stain of disgust. Fat and sweat.. not a good combo. So, these caucasians, who would be quite more equipped in their boxers and who would go for hours with their steroids body... the hookers like. So, it's like a shit swarmed with flies.. not that I think caucasians are shit..but just that, these proud bastards know what they were in there for and it's quite disgusting.

So, I felt like I was in a pack of losers. And then I felt like I didn't belong. So, technically, I felt like a loser in a crowd of losers. Double my fucked-up-o-meter, my night was ruined. The morning just gave me that sense of boredom where I thought to myself how life in Burma has not been productive apart from my work and career. My walk in Hyde Park and 2am in Gloria Jeans were gone. I was one rotting workaholic with music in his veins...

So, with not much motivation but with a huge anticipation to talk with Craig, I went to the internet cafe, only to find out how the connection was ceased today. Yep, it's the public big major event and it's only fair and quite third world country of Burma to cease internet connections. Then I phoned my office and found out there wasn't any electricity there either. Bummer! So I went home and as I was preparing myself to work on the module flow chart, electricity went off. I called Craig before that just to tell him I wouldn't be online, a self-promised five minutes call that accumulated naturally to a 25 minutes ridiculous oversea phone charge. It was worth it though. Phonecall with Craig was like the highlight of the day.

I made up my mind that I would not do pedicure or go to GermanChick's bbq and instead I would just sleep. That was when my boss rang. I heard it the first few times and I ignored it but after a while I got concerned and it was her calling for five times in a row. It was not later when I found out that her laptop fucked up and she had no idea where to fix it.

Now, when I first got to Sydney, I kinda used gay.com as my guide to know where's what. I guess those horny people there did come to use when they kinda talked to me about Sydney in general, though I did have to repay their favor with sex, which I wouldn't complain since it was almost like freeing a mouse into a cheese fondue. So, I could kinda relate to Boss... being a Thai chick in Burma and not knowing where to fix her laptop. I called my cousin up, took my car, sent her to a repair shop and had her laptop fixed. She seemed pretty grateful for it. I was just happy she could have her datas saved and not fucked by the whole breakdown. I would be panicking too if my datas from work had been washed out by a virus in my laptop in a third world country.

Boss and I had an awesome chat as usual. I was telling her how I've been thinking about being scared of parenting. She gave me a frown. It's true. How the fuck am I to be sane if I was thinking about how to parent kids who I would be having with a boyfriend who I've only communicated online for four or five months. Don't get me wrong, Boss is a huge support of Team CraigHein but when it comes to me being scared of parenting my kids, she just gave me that look. I told her it was hypothetical and she didn't have to think I'm worried sick everynight thinking about how we would be parenting Sebastian...

I guess it's just guilt. I mean, I felt like I've been living a lie with my parents and grandparents my whole life and the last thing I would want my kid to do is to lie to me that he's straight just because he's afraid of me judging him. The next thing that scares me is how I can be a bit of a 'don't talk back/don't obey' kid to my parents and it makes me wonder how cruel life would be to have a son or a daughter who smiles at you and they'd be injecting cocaine at your back. Karma is such a bitch. Ah well, I don't know. Not that I'm worried but when you had to sit three hours in a laptop repair shop with a neckpain, you can't blame me for having these thoughts. I guess Craig can be a good dad while I'll be the Nazi dad they'd hate at first, but one day realize how I've been so caring for them.

I know.... it's just 'thinking' it's not like I'm dying with worries here hahaha

Office Networks

This blog entry does not necessarily need to sound like a brag. In fact, it's a rant.

So, yeah, I've become this huge listener at work. For some apparent reason, people have been 'trusting' me. I am not the type who likes to keep secrets. I would if I was told one but I'm not the type who would totally love to know secrets. I'm also not the type to go around telling everyone stuffs. I think I'm a very average human being on a scale of gossiper to a secret-keeper. But then again, you can question what IS an average human being.

It started with Aunty. She came into my room and had a bit of a rant. So, apparently she felt left out. So, at work, she takes care of the operation part and I am in the 'technical' part. The tricky bit was Moby was not that much of a technical person but now that we got ToyBoss, she's been keeping things quite pedentically technical and in place. I've been kept busy working on plans and drawing some module charts and shit even before things start. I kinda like this system. To be honest, I wasn't asked to do these. I took an initiative to do these. Nope, I would not get any salary raise, but knowing ToyBoss is almighty awesome in her 'technicality' sense, I just want to be prepared. My point is, Aunty, despite having no work to do, could work on stuffs. She deals with enumerators and she could be working on what she would tell the enumerators. She asked me about the meeting the day before. So, as a minute taker, I briefed her a bit on the know and then she whinged that she didn't know these and no one told her. The fact was, those two meetings did not produce any results. And not to forget, both of those meetings were quite 'technical'. And then she went on about how she doesn't want to be surprised with more workload in the middle of the process and she doesn't want to risk the enumerator.

Now, that's just crap. First of all, despite the humanitarian name that I kept using for my work, we're actually in the development era. The cyclone was two years ago and we're trying our best to publish anything that would lure the donors or agencies to put more involvement. My point is, our project-based work IS hectic. I have stayed at work until 1am or 3am and never have I complained. Yes, it's true I have no kids nor a life, but I do have two careers working in parallel and grandparents who I don't wanna wake up at night. So, if Aunty or the enumerators should ever whinge about the fast pace and ever changing objectives at work, with all due respect, get another job. Aunty did mention that in the previous project, she did not like how the enumerators were dealt. THEN, SAY IT TO MOBY! I love it how she would keep quiet whenever Moby asked her to do shit. Now, normally I would be very pleasing but I think it's cos I want to put my new 'honest' me in use, I explained everything that she was whingeing about. And I told her not to ever let the two enumerators (long hair dude and the retarded girl) to ever come back.

I know we love our team and we would do anything to raise the flag poles for our teams. But seriously, when the team doesn't do you good for this mighty two-three months of commitment, my advice is to get real and stop being Mother Teressa about it.

Then, since Boss went home early, I was left with ToyBoss. She caught me offguard while I was working on my training kit. She asked me what I was working on and I was explaining to her. Then, she got excited and started planning things. She was semi-stepping on Boss' toes. Then, I got a bit worried and I kinda told her what I was working on in details. Now, this made her email Boss on things to be done.

Ok, so.. Boss DOES micro manage me. And ToyBoss is ANOTHER micro manager. Hierarchically, ToyBoss works on top of Boss and ToyBoss has this tedency to micromanage Boss, but that's not my problem. Now, what's happening here was knowing both of them micromanage me (I wouldn't mind), it's scary to think if that would ever clash.

Boss called me later and asked what I told ToyBoss since ToyBoss had finally emailed her a LOOOONG email on things to do. Boss was a bit upset with me, but a bit concerned about ToyBoss. Then, domino effect much, the rant dominoed onto Craig. I ranted about this to Craig, who was being quite professionally experienced about this. It's good to have a boyfriend you can ask things about sometimes. It's cute how he kept telling me of his experience.

It was only later I took a time off to think of what I should've done. I should've just convinced ToyBoss that everything's under control and not panic when she asked me about things I've been working on. Technically, I'm under Boss who's under ToyBoss. So, I guess, the next visit from ToyBoss would see me much more relaxed and not as excited as before.

Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE ToyBoss. She's million times better than Moby and Boss is like my sis and someone I look up to. This is just to save my ass and my friendship with both of them at work. Regarding Aunty, I don't know. I dont really care in all honesty. I can't force myself to appreciate someone of such low tolerance and a huge dosage of 'in denial' in life. Sometimes, you gotta stop being the nice person you are and fight for your right to walk on the right direction at work.

I noticed that a lof ot people at work has been opening up since I had been marching on during our previous project about how international stuffs love us to be honest. It's true they want feedbacks from us. But it's only fair that you go into a room with your request with a mentality that your request could either be granted nor rejected. I guess they forgot that part and recently, I guess rejection's biting them in the butt. I dont know.. I'm one stubborn person but I do think about realism. I mean, what's the fun of life if everything goes your way, huh?

Feels Like Xmas

It felt like Christmas today. Nope, it wasn't the weather. Every year, there's one day where you'd actually feel like you could converse with a homeless or have sex with your ex wife. It's a day of forgiveness and a newfound joy, let alone what happens later. I didn't get any shit done at work but it was a good day.

Why? Cos finally Mr Craigenstein had come back to life. Like a cavemane frozen in a time capsule for years, my future husband finally got his groove back. It felt good cos I was beginning to miss the old Craig he used to be. Our convo was brief but it was awesome to see him being able to spell words like 'hahaha' or 'lol'. So, it felt good. Maybe it's cos it's our three months being official online boyfriends or maybe it's cos the bad spirit had chucked a white flag in his body, it was all good.

I had a moment of clarity and calmness and I kinda freaked out when I actually looked at all the workload I have done. Never in my life have I undertaken that much shit in three days. I kinda got a lot of shit done and I actually pwned the art of drawing a work plan. So, despite the non-productive day at work, I felt like a guy who's smoking on his ciggie after a good hot fuck. Yes, I have succeeded. I have exceeded and reached climax with one good hot fuck. My work was one good hot fuck. God bless orgasm. And of course, cleaning the cum stained bedsheet comes later.. haha

I knew good things were never meant to last since tomorrow I'd be doing something I really hate doing at work. Known as the easiest task but trust me, if you were me, you would've felt the same. I find it as the hardest thing to do. Not to mention the non native English speakers here in Burma, one activity known to mankind where the best English speaking people forgot to put 'verbs' in their sentences; the activity where the word 'group' doesn't really have a good product (I mean, who the hell likes to listen when everyone talks at once); a place where native accents spark challenges at you like a first time fuck. Yes, minute taking.... the art of unbelievable difficulty-management. It's harder than babysitting ten Cambodian babies; it's more awkward than being stuck in a sex hammock while you're fisted; it's more agonizing than watching Pauline Hanson do a stripshow. It's just fucked up. I hate minute taking. If there was one thing I hate about work, it's that. And guess what! I got two 'two hours' meeting in one day. Oh lord, jesus loves me.

So, today, I hung out with DoubleA and his wife. Absent for three weeks for the lack of their car since they were busy pimping their ride. Now, their car looks like one shiny billiard ball. A huge metallic mahogany with interior seat that resembles something of the fast and the furious movie and a midget steering wheel. SERIOUSLY, midget steering wheels are the worst 'new black' since skinny jeans. Why on earth do people like it? So, we ate like pigs at coffee circle. I couldn't care less about my weight watching. I admit it's a long on-going process but everyone knows I ain't gonna stop until I get myself a flatter belly. It's not like I'm major obese but I hate to see this cute apple bottom below my manboobs. It's just gross. It looks even funnier now since I shaved it last few weeks ago for my radiation 'fat melting' therapy. It's worse that I had to shave my stomach while having a hangover. It looks like Africa from Google satellite camera. A patch of grass here and there on a deserty surface, only substituted by my smooth belly texture with a bit of hair here and there.

It was a good day and I know I got shit loads to do at work. Me and my big mouth wanted that position as an assistant analyst but I've been doubly penetrated in my ass with workloads bigger than Peter North's schlong.

Call me bipolar but happy days make me more productive and creative at writing blogs. Oh, I love life no matter how fucked up it is. Life is like a cable TV. You got all types of channels and reruns that make you go 'Oh been there done that' but at the same time you end up swishing channel here and there and before you know it, new shit gets old and season reruns are a last resort object of procrastination. Yet, we enjoy it. I guess that's the beauty, eh?

Quitter, I Am Not

I never finished the movie yesterday. I don't know if I've blogged about this but the Pippa Lee I was watching yesterday, I didn't finish it but surprisingly, I did not put that DVD in my bag to return it to the DVD rental shop today. I did not forget about it. I just didn't want to give it back...

I noticed, today, that no matter how anxiety fucks me up, sadness gets me down or however my will is enpowered by defeat, nothing had made me quit. After GCE, I went to Singapore for my college and I noticed that I could either do Business, Accounting or Mechatronics as a course to get diploma in. I used to make up this stupid excuse where I would say I hate using the calculator and I hate to read the newspapers and that was the reason I took Mechatronics. I was asked to use a 600 degree soldering iron to connect wire, microchips to program codes in and wires to measure amperes. It was all new to me. I hated but I got a diploma with nothing less than a B. Then, I took Software Engineergs in Australia because I promised my best friend that I would follow him to Australia. I did and I did his course. I didn't like that course but I still took an IT course. My friends always used to say I don't look like an IT guy and whenever I pass my exams with a nearing failure of 50 or above marks, I would just smile cos I've passed onto another stage. It took me five years to finish the course. Five years of agony, homesickness and trying to find myself. I had days where I would just consume on wine bottles and cigarette packets would be my friend when I sat at my favorite bench in Randwick park. I didn't quit.

Of all the relationships I've had(which was one) and the guys I've dated, I was never the one to dump. It's because I know what I want and I just won't quit.

In addition to the cruel silence from Craig, which he didn't do anyways but the absence itself was haunting, my sister told me about this huge family fued that's been going on. I'm not gonna name names but I find it amazing how some of my close relatives cursed at my mom, called her a whore and shamed her cos her daughter, my sister, was divorced and I was gay. At first, I was shaking with anger but I emailed my sis saying this was the new beginning for us. Deep inside, I was even happier that they know I was gay. So, the whole day I forced myself to work work and do nothing but work. I was doing excel charts until my eyes got dry and I had to keep putting eye drops into each of my eyeballs and the contact lens. I spent mighty four hours for each solution. I checked out the code programmed by the statistician. I don't know the language, R, but I googled it and I hacked the code and FINALLY, at 5:40pm, I found the bug and I solved the problem. Because I am not a quitter.

I noticed that I am not a quitter. The more I think about it, the more I know that this is just something to challenge me. Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm worried sick. I'm crying deep inside. I feel alone. But no fucking way this is gonna make me quit. And Craigwise, he's so far away from quitting. Didn't even think about it to be honest but I just realized that I wouldn't quit him even if I was made to. I am just not a quitter in life.

I'm gonna finish that movie, work on my working plan, which is basically like coloring mosaic anyways, read the fucking field guide, work on the training guide that we are going to give the enumerators, read the fucking questionnaire and sleep my night away. I have also decided that I am going to finish this project at work. Even if I was forced to go to Sydney for my PR cos it's approved, I'll go for a day and come back and finish this project at work. Or if I'm not asked to come back, I'll work from Sydney until the project's done. Ah well... but for now, pokemon card game sounds mighty tempting as an hour of procrastination.

I got three words for those haters who would claim that I'm being stubborn about making my life harder......
SO FUCKING WHAT!!!!

Pippa Lee

Great cast. Good acting. Real story. Too real for my liking. I couldn't take it anymore. This movie about this dudette called Pippa Lee was painting my life for me. I don't know how she broke out of it and I'm not sure I want to. The movie made me stop the DVD player and I just feel like we're in a loophole.

So, Pippa Lee's mom was on speed when she was a baby. She'd do anything to adapt herself into a situation to make sure she's pretty and to make sure her kids and her husband see her as a cornflake ad mom. Pippa Lee grew up on drugs and didn't get to see her mom die cos she rebelled herself to live with her lesbian aunt, who kicked her outta the house cos she saw her taking pornographic-based photos with the aunt's girlfriend. Pippa Lee grew up to be this mysteriously happy adaptable lady, just like her mom, who sleepwalks and who couldn't find her happiness. She was also bad with her daughter and her husband, who cheated on his ex wife, who was richer, cheated on Pippa Lee with her friend cos he was scared of being old.

I don't know if I'm making sense here but.... I'm so scared I'd be like her. My dad died at age 39. Never lived to see his forties. Never lived to see the world trade center. Never lived to see me get a diploma or a degree. I never blamed him and still I failed to see me being sad over it cos he wasn't there in most of my important occasions. My diploma graduation, my degree graduation, the first album I semi-arranged and wrote most of the songs in, my first boyfriend *god he would've been so angry* or me trying my ass off to save the victims of a cyclone Nargis. Deep inside, I was happy for him to have gone this passage because as much as how great my family is, we're one retarded bunch. Diplomacy, discipline and rules of the house; elders are always right. My grandparents are awesome because I could never hate them or even think of them wrong I ended up this way.

My best friends once saw my secret. I was scared. I avoided them for weeks. I'm sorry, guys. One of my closest friends, Jen, always managed to read under my flesh. That annoyed me because she is honest and she is too kind to be ever open and honest to me. She was never convinced that I was honest with them. She's right. I wasn't. But it wasn't intentional. I've always wanted to make sure everything around me is awesome. I wanted to make sure people are happy with me. She has always wanted to be there for me, as much as Ali does. Both of them tried really hard to make me happy and make me come out of my misery closet (no it's not homosexuality). They didn't and I'm crying right now cos I didn't get to show them the real me. I couldn't dare to face anyone around me of how fucked up my actual life was and how depressed I can get.

So, basically, dad died cos he was sad. He didn't wanna upset his parents, nor his wife and kids. So, he got reckless and his life was just a waste away. It's ironic how he was all class even til the day he closed his eyes forever. One could never have known that it was a silent suicide. He left a book he wrote about his life. Mom told me it wasn't a good story. I never read it cos she won't let me. My grandparents refused to read it cos they are in denial of the fact that they're one of the factors. It wasn't their faults.

I could tell by their reactions on Saturday, during my uncle's birthday dinner, that they want me to be happy. Too late. I do want to tell them how happy I am but come to think of it, I'm bored of things. I'm bored with a couple of things around me. I feel this presence of abyss-like pit that I could easily fall into.

I found someone who I could be myself around. He's not well at the moment. I had to be strong but I just see this as myself adapting to the situation and tiptoeing around things making sure everything is perfect. Am I gonna become a cereal ad mom?

For now, I would just love to smoke my misery away to the night. Crickets flying around the ceiling light, that has got to be interesting than my life on hold. I'll be better tomorrow.. just that I have promised to be honest in my blog....

One day, if I could, I wanna look back at today as the day I let go of my misery... or I guess, TRY to let go of my misery. Will I succeed? Time knows the answer. I don't. Craig doesn't. Jen doesn't. Ali doesn't. My family don't. No one does. Fuck it, I need the cig right now...... love you, world.. fuck you too!

Confession

Dear All,

As you have been wondering what Hein's been up to lately, he's done it again. So, though it was quite obvious for him to be outta the closet soon when he got to Sydney, away from his land and away from the culture shock, some of you must have been pretty amazed or either shocked with that news. I know it must have been ever more traumatizing when I went crazy and announced it on facebook last few weeks ago. I actually kinda regret it because I don't find the need to look for acceptance when I found out later that the people I love in my life actually KNEW about this all along. However, due to some circumstances, ignorance is quite the bliss it deserves. Yeah, I was just happy I'm accepted by the people I love. I didn't need to shout it out loud anymore I guess.

So, what have I done this time? I've fallen in love with a stranger. Yes, it's true I was ashamed to admit it. I thought online dating was for the wretched, the foulest of the foul, the weakest of the weak or just lamest of the lame. I guess I hated myself all along because I guess in life, you just love yourself too much that you just don't think any types of 'assumed' negativities would suffice your well being. I apologize. I guess in order for me to learn about a false accusation or judgement I've made in the past, I, myself, have to play that role. Just so I know what's in it.

I clicked Yes on this person four months ago. His smile caught my eyes. However, to be honest, he was one of the fews I tend to get to know. One of them. So, all I'm saying is he was one of 'them'. Online encounter of its own kind.

We both had our favorite bar, Stonewall. It makes us both wonder, until today, how we never crossed each other's path. We both believe we must have. Maybe, he was in the loo while I was trying to go to the second floor to ask for martini. Maybe I was too drunk dancing on the stage while he was busy fiddling with the jukebox at the corner of the second entrance to your left if you're walking from the side where they've got T2 or Arq.

Needless to say, I'm glad we've met, be it online or just some pathetic application on facebook, because he made me see things again. Today, my partner, my boyfriend, my best friend, was down. He called me his 'virtual' boyfriend. Yes, true indeed. I only exist in wires and cables and an annoying buzz of a modem next to his puter table. But I guess those are the substitution to the flesh and bone that he could not touch. Be this sound stupid to those who's reading, but... despite the fact that I have not experienced any of my five senses with his in the same room, I have seen his insides, which I might have failed to have seen if I were just hooked on his outsides if we've met in real life. We got to get to know each other. We got to exchange stories. It's just something I would have failed to do even if it was in Gloria Jeans outside Slide.

My boss told me last week that it's important to stay true to what you like and what you want in life and not live according to what others please. God, it's true! I felt ashamed when she said that cos it made her know things way better than I do and I felt like she was poking at one of my weakness again to remind herself of what she's capable of. Boy, was I wrong! She actually boosted me to be more me than the person I used to be who pleases everyone.

I have always been patient enough to see anything through everyone's point of view. It's not really normal for me to hate a person or even judge them or color them the shades I want them to be colored. Give me a palette and a person and I'd just be standing there blindsighted not knowing what color they are. But, the deal here is, no matter what the hue was supposed to be, I guess I love them for what they are. Those who lacks originality has failed to make it to my facebook account by the way. Sorry, suckers!!

I guess what I'm trying to get here in this way too long of a passage I'm writing here is the fact that I do love my boyfriend although I have never met him before. And I do believe that he is not just another source from a cable outlet. It might be sad, some might question and some might even frown reading this. Trust me, I, myself, have frowned and even judged *subconsciously* to those who's dated online before. I guess I've learnt my lesson and I've finally been able to be proud to say how I can love one person unconditionally just by a click of a mouse.

I don't know if we'll last and I can't read the future but for the time being, I feel strong about him being the same person I can count wrinkles with and book the same room with different nurses in a nursing home. Everyone has the right to do what they want. Isn't it about time you guys love me for being just me?

Technology is the win........ sometimes :D

Regards,

Hein

Turning Point : Honesty

If there was one person who's played one of the most important parts during my turning point from pathless to maturity in my life, it must be Boss. She and I argue a lot but I love it.

There was an induction meeting yesterday at work because we, as part of an organization that a lot of our staffs mistake them as two separate orgs, are actually working with them now as opposed to under them. Well, we're still under them but just that before all of this, we used to be under another org for admin and other stuffs. So, it was like an introduction meeting, which was quite clear and blunt and brief. That was until most of the national staffs started asking questions. Of all of them, Aunty asked the stupidest questions in my opinion.

It's true this lady is somewhat like my aunty but things she does never fail to piss me off. So, the issues she brought up were stupid things like "I feel discriminated between international and national staffs since the head of security treat the international staffs better. When I come early in the morning nobody helped me out with the door keys whereas if I am not early at work, they would put air freshener and switch the aircon on for internash staffs." Seriously, if the door is closed, ask for the damn key, woman!!!! Then, she was being the spokesperson for the IT guy. The IT guy had an issue. He is working our project and he gets a normal salary for that but in case he gets told to do the 'org we're under' 's website, he would get paid extra. But this is not for every month and this is only for those months that he's asked. He assumes he'll get monthly salary for this despite the workload being small or big. And the ugly truth is the fact that he's been living in the office free of charge because he has issues with his house. Seriously that's suable. And, Aunty, the greatest epitome of dumbassness, had to agree with him and go against the main org people. It drove me crazy!!!

Then, Boss and I had lunch and I whinged about it. She told me "why didn't you say anything then". I was like "It's not polite". Then, she went "Don't say them to me then because you seem to be not working it out." Very true. I shouldn't keep it all up in the meeting and just whinge about it later. Then, I told her I do not want to be hated.

Now, that's my problem.

I've noticed that I'm the worst when it comes to asking for opinions. "Do you like blue or red?" and I'd come up with "I could see what you like about red but I like blue better". That's always been me all along. Growing up with grandparents and a bunch of diplomats, it's only fair that I can be a bit of an originality lacker at times.

I guess I'm getting sick of it though.
So like it or not, it's about time I find out what I REALLY like and what I do NOT like at all.
So yeah, this time round, honesty is my next weapon. Given Boss might not be staying around longer, I'd have to take my honesty to another level. I guess upgrading to a better version package, huh? :)

The meeting afterwards, Aunty was asked to translate this long paragraph that our new Boss, "ToyBoss" (cos her nickname resembles a toy that kids play), and she missed out the REAL kick in that motivational speech. ToyBoss assured if it was true. She pointed at me and asked if her translation was correct. I was put in the spot but I guess this was the chance for me to show my honesty. So, I said "You put me in the spot but I can summarize for you". So, I did a translation that actually highlights what she wants to say. I turned towards Aunty and I said "Just helping, Aunty" followed by a smirk and a deep satisfaction that I was being honest about how my translation was better.

Well, I think it was better.. You got a problem? Eat dirt!!!

Unappreciated

In life, there are small little gestures, with hidden messages behind it. Let alone not one gets the message but when one don't even like the idea of such gestures, it feels weird and it hurts doing it. In life, there are things we all are limited to not appreciating. It's ok to not like certain things like the smell of jackfruit. It's ok to not like what you have to do and avoid things being done by you. However, when others are doing things for you and in some ways, it does not really affect you physically nor mentally, hopefully, there are no justifications or reasons to why it should be this way. The good doers don't really know what is there to be done, when something they're doing to make others and themselves happy backlash an opposite effect..

These are times when I wish I was not this considerate for others.....
cos it really hurts when it's not appreciated....

Drunk Saturday (revised)

This blog entry was written on March 15th for March 13th cos I was too drunk to even know that I should blog.

Rguy had a birthday party. My first meeting with Rguy was at one of these huge conferences, that did not go well. Then, I was later introduced to him by Maltesers(one of my good friends) as a good guitarist and who would love to jam with her and me. Then, I got invited to his birthday party and asked to sing four songs. I did "I saw her standing there", "more than words", "Sway" and "I Love Rock N Roll" (which I've changed to Rick and Roll... oh yeah, that's his name). So much for privacy bloggage there. It was awesome to see people dancing with my songs and people asking me to sing again. It was also awesome that Boss was there after her 'not feeling well' days. I met up with GermanChick as well, one of my favorite hangout buddies. I've hung out with her once several months ago. We had tequila shots, got drunk and started tying cherry stem into knots with our tongues. Then, we forced the cute bartender to do it just cos he was cute. Well, he did it.. god these people, they learn fast. This time round, she told me she's got a boyfriend, who happened to be this cute guy who I usually would perve at during NGO outings. Just appreciating his beauty but honestly, for some reason, he doesn't attract me. I think it's his ego and 'I don't talk much'ness. But for some reason, it was a chilled evening. Until I got drunk.

According to what Boss said, I kept assuring her that I was not drunk. Folllowed by "Look I can walk straight", to which she later described as 'staggering'. Whenever Boss pointed out a cute guy, I would keep repeating 'Do Something'. I broke one wine glass, spilled some on myself and she broke one wine glass too. Hers was an accident while mine was just me being drunk. I also ended up hugging a lot of people before we left. I hugged Rguy. Rguy told me later he's never had a hug that long and passionate for a long time. Oh god!!! Then, I hugged this French dude, who I always knew was bi, who likes Boss. Then, I also hugged this new Italian dude, who was talking with Boss, just because. Then, I forced this dude who was wearing a cowboy shirt and chewing on this liquorish branch to add me on facebook and to also give me one of his branches. Then, I started chewing that branch the whole time. I looked like a woodpecker. I cannot recall how I got home but Boss told me taxi ride home costed us 5000 kyats. I would love to hear more about my drunkness from anyone since it's quite funny...

Well, at least I'm not a bad drunk, am I? :D

Hangover Kayaking

So in the midst of last week, I asked Craig to try to get back to our lives because the six hours at the internet cafe last Sunday worried me. Yeah right!! Me and my big mouth. I did miss him so much despite the fact that I had a GORGEOUS Sunday!!!!!!!

So, from the Saturday night's hangover, I woke up late at 10am and I ran to the hospital for the radiation thing on my stomach. It was a hangover but I was also semi-staggering on my way up to the hospital. The operation room, or whatever they called it, ended up being the loudest room in the hospital. I was making fun at my doctor and my nurses and thank god they have a sense of humor and we just started cracking up to the point where one of the nurses nearly burnt my stomach by over-radiating since she forgot to move the position of the thingy while she was laughing. I was also very proud at my 'last minute stomach shave' I had to do while in the showers before I leaped to l'hospital. It looks like a baby's bottom by the way.. Ok, more like an apple because if that was a baby's bottom, that baby would be so fucked up.

So, after the hospital, I went online to chat with Craig before I went for kayaking. He had two more videos for me, which surprised me and made me just wanna squeeze his cheeks and devour him. Being cute and being craig as usual, I was smiling like a retard in the internet cafe.. Until he had to leave all of a sudden because of his grand-dad. Now, that worried me cos I know how much he loves his grand-dad and the old guy's getting sick lately and because Craig loves him and wants me to see him, I kinda felt pretty worried when he had to log off with his grand-dad as the given reason.

Kayaking was awesome. Boss chickened out only cos she was with fever. So, it was me and a couple of other friends. The Italian dude I met at the bar was there as well.. Totally forgot his name but I asked him again and found out. The ClosetCase was there as well and despite his large chubby build, I'm impressed at how he can be a bit of an outdoor person. He knows kayaking too. Kayaking with a hangover was scary. Also given there were some cobwebs inside my kayak and I still pushed myself in, I was paddling with the fear of the possibility of a tarrantula crawling onto my thigh from underneath. The water was extra wavy and despite my only second time kayaking, I did single this time round as opposed to the double paddled canoe, which I was in with Girlfriend last time. So, it was scary but god, it felt good.

Craig called me after my kayaking, just in time to give me reason to smile some more and last the day. It was sweet. I was just glad he assured me he was ok. Dinner with my cousin and her hubby, KC, was pretty awesome and I was just glad this weekend had been pretty productive and fun.

Half Full / Half Empty

It's past midnight and I just hung up the phone while talking to my friend, Steve. He's playing pool at a hotel with Joel and a friend. He asked me to come and that he would pick me up. I told him he's gonna be going home soon anyways. Then, he said 'congratulations on your vcd shooting'. I didn't know if it was genuine or not but I wasn't smiling when he said that.

I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this before. I have always been moving around as a kid. Like some movies where the actor would know the old places he's done things before. The place in his high school where he had his first kiss, the place he gets beaten up and stuffs; I lack that. I hardly remember my childhood. It's just a blur of collective images in my head, to which I assume, is true.

I felt at home in Sydney. Maybe it was because my friends are awesome but maybe it's just because it was the era where I was trying to define my life. I came back here and I became a monk for a week. I hung out with my old friends who I've left without a trace before I went to Sydney. I was happy they still let me hang out with them and even happier when they didn't mind about my homosexuality. Got a full time job. I've been working a lot to start a career. Got a boyfriend who I wanna grow old with who lives miles away from me. Got my career back on track.

Unlike a normal Friday, I woke up nervous today because it was THE day. The day where I would be performing at a VCD shooting for my first involvement in a compilation album. The day where I would be performing on stage for the first time in seven years. The day where I would meet the media again. It went pretty well. I performed twice. The people did listen to me, while they would be chatting while others performed. They applauded twice and it was from most of them as compared to scattered applause for others. I was interviewed by three people for their respective journals. "What is the difference between Burmese and foreign music?" "So, are you finally settling down in the music industry?" "What would you be doing during the Burmese new year?"

The truth was I couldn't give a straight answer. I told them I can't promise I am finally settling down in the music industry and that I would be at home sleeping with DVD's since my whole life now-a-days have consisted of work, music making and an online boyfriend.

After the gig, I went to work at 3pm to finish off sifting out datas while I talked with Craig. Sweet man.. he always seems to make me smile. And I got my work done, bought dinner and had dinner with my grandparents, watched a movie and was planning to sleep.

Steve's phonecall.... that's what totally made me think... the fact here is.. am I happy living this life? I have finally got what I wanted in life and these things have been making me busy. I guess as a sacrifice for getting what I want, I am setting a perfectly bad example of keeping friends. A stable boyfriend, a hopeful music career and a promising work offers for the future. But, am I happy? But then again, when I used to hang out with Steve and KP six years ago, we used to wonder what to do and how life could be so boring and aimless.

So, I've got what I want. I'm growing up. In life, I guess you win some, you lose some. The winner could never take it all. Abba knows nothing about winning. I am winning but at the same time, I am letting go of my youth. Growing up can be lonely but not growing up is pointless.....

It's a half full/half empty glass.... so the question here is what am I seeing at the moment? And the answer is "I don't have a fucking clue".

One Day At A Time

It's been eleven years and one month since my dad died. The only reason I brought that up was only because having to wake up at six am in the morning to go to temple always has never failed to remind me. It's like a little voice saying "Son, you don't have a dad". Gee, thanx little voice. It's not like I forget.

Today, while gtalking at work like any other days since this project started, I chatted with my bestest friend from Sydney, Ali. It was a great talk. It's been a while since I've talked to her and I enjoy talking to her since she's like me with a vagina, maybe smarter and a lot more sophisticated, but I like to blame that on gender. I mean, come on, girls are usually much wiser and behaved.

I was telling her about how Craig might get a job in Brisbane and I might have to follow him. Don't get me wrong she IS happy for me about having found someone I love who loves me FINALLY. But, I realized what I've said raised a hellotta questions when she said "Oh! Brisbane? Then, you won't see us. You might as well just be in Burma then."

Several years ago, I had a boyfriend. Now, when I say 'boyfriend', that's when I would imagine us to be together for quite a long time. It's true I see forever with Craig at the moment but during Simon, it was just 'long time'. I never had an infinite amount to how long I would wanna be with him. But still, as a responsible Heiner who wears his heart up his sleeve, I did love Simon as a good loyal boyfriend. In fact, I overdid it. I totally barred my five best friends. Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe, together with Danny, I just totally ignored them. They were happy for me until Easter Day. That pissed off a lot of them off since I went to the Easter show with them, tagging Simon along. Halfway through, Simon had a gay moment where he wanted to go home. He said I could stay with my friends and come back home later but I went home with him. My friends, though they didn't show it, were disappointed. But they didn't do anything to stop me from going home.

A month and few weeks later, I got dumped and left. Simon flew back to London and I was left in an empty house where he and I used to live before. Haunted by the ghost of him, I couldn't bear to sleep in any of our rooms and I would just sleep with my futon bed in the living room while Big Brothers was on. Most of the nights, crying seems to be my favorite activity to the point I wouldn't be able to tell if I cried the night before or not due to my pillow being overdrenched with my tears.

I needed resurrection. I needed a survival kit. I needed my life back. I guess that's when you know who your real friends are. There they were .. Ali, Jen, Zhe, Alex and Danny.. it seems like those five together could transform into a walking breathing huge therapeutic center for me. I strived on for two years but these guys were patient.

Now, I know Craig is NOTHING like Simon and I do trust him. But at the same time, I had a dilemma. If I live with him in Brisbane, how would I get back to my friends? Given I still need to do a lot of catch up with them since my life before this was busy with assignments and them being at uni or just work, all busy. That also haunted me with the thought of not meeting my other friends from Revue. I did end up having a couple of close friends from Revue. On the other hand, I also have work friends. Not to forget my very few yet special burmese sisters. Well, given I live in Sydney, what's the point of ever fighting for Craig? I love this man and I do want to live with him and the thought of having a home together excites me and makes me happy everyday. So, the dilemma fucked me up real good.

I promised Craig I would be open to him and I talked to him about it. In all honesty, I really want him to prolong or better his career and have a brighter future. But somehow, I did have to tell him this. When he said 'he will do anything to be together', my hands shook. That's not what I want but at the same time the measurement of his love for me is just unbelievable at times.

Life doesn't give you a solution. It gives you MANY solutions. (Seriously I don't see how some people could just give up). So, our convo ended with 'we'll see'. I know I'm just having a busy day at work (yes it became busier in the evening), worrying about my future. Like Boss said, "Swe, take one day at a time".....

I guess I should....

Greed Turns its Ugly Head

Four times the electricity fucked up my office life this morning. My stomach was cling wrapped according to the post 'fat dissolving' procedure. And to make things worse, I wore a long sleeve tight shirt to work. It looked good when I got outta my house but as soon as I walked into a 'non-electricitied' office room, five minutes later, I was drenched with sweat. So, I changed into my normal t-shirt, baggy and ugly, which I originally brought for gym. Then, the electricity came back on and as self conscious as I was and given there were meetings in the office, I changed back into my tight long sleeve shirt and just as I sat down on my office chair, the electricity cut off again. I stayed for a little while, hoping the lights would come back on but no. So, I changed into my baggy T shirt again and minutes later, the lights came back on. So, after four wardrobe changes, I got fed off and I strived on the whole day with the baggy T shirt.

To add to this ridiculous blackout atmosphere, two staffs at work were complaining about their salaries. Now, we did a meeting where I would empathize with them and would ask for justifications of a raise. They had none and their main reason was 'cos we deserve a raise'. I mean.. are you guys working more than you guys should?? Are you guys staying late? Seriously, I believe in negotiations and the raise they asked for was unbelievably high and the other staffs were understanding enough to actually let them have a go at it.

I don't know... greed pisses me off. I guess we have to remember that for such salary as ours in Burma, it's a pretty sufficiently high amount. Plus, it's not like anyone's reducing anything. So, instead of being angry over stuffs and leaving unprofessionally, I just hope they were a bit professional and quite reasonable about their justifications, which was actually zilch.

Oh people!!!! Greed killeth thous!!!

Ignorance is Bliss

After sixty five injections on my stomach and one on my hip to numb the pain, I came back home feeling quite satisfied despite the pain. My grandma came into my room to have a chat with me to actually be serious about life. She's seen me all wrapped up in uncertainty and alcohol breathed and foggy eyes, coming back home late and spending ages in an internet cafe. She knows I have to get my life back in gear.

Our little chit chat was interrupted by my aunt's phonecall. Now, my aunt from LA and her husband are the ONLY people who knows about me being a homosexual. In fact, they know me more than my grandparents and parents know me. So, I thought. So, I talked to my aunt about my new contract. She told me something that really made me smile. Her husband thinks that I'm the most mature of all the kids he's known and he's quite proud of me. For these two people who cannot have kids, I was more than happy to treat them like my own parents. I mean, Craig and I want kids and we have to work things out and I want to make sure those kids love both of us like their two daddies, despite its abnormality.

So, I was telling my grandma how I actually trust my aunt and her husband way more than I trusted my grandparents and mom. Then, she told me that she KNOWS about my lifestyle. I freaked out. She said that this is something unstoppable and she wouldn't do anything to stop it. She even knows that I've been calling Craig on the phone and she knows how my 'secret supposed girlfriend' was actually a guy I've been talking to a lot. On the day I put 'Hein is gay' as a profile header on facebook, my sister rang my aunt up to tell her how upset she was, fearing people might know about this. My grandma knew about this and she knows what was going on. I told her I did that as a rebellious deed because I was alone and I hate keeping the ones I love not in the know.

My grandmother, the genius, said she knows me since I was born. She knew things; she said there were symptoms. She does not like the 'lifestyle' but she accepts the fact that this 'lifestyle' is accepted elsewhere but not Burma and she doesn't mind me being proud about it but she fears that others' view on me might affect my career or my life here. When she said that, I smiled. That was all I wanted. I didn't want to leave my family in the dark about my homosexuality. I love them and I want them to know, despite what they think about it. I'm also proud that they have not accepted it but they won't change me.

You know..... I'm happy today... My grandma asked me never to let her know what the 'lifestyle' is. That, I can deal with. So I guess I'm the straight boy that I was born as but I guess I'm also a man who's about to marry the man of my life once I get the chance to spend some time with him and finally find the time to express it to him one day.

Gay... acceptance... that's nothing compared to the love and negotiations with ignorance between you and your loved ones.
They did say 'ignorance is bliss'.....hell yeah, life's a bliss for me at the moment. :)

The Hein in Craig

I have upsetted Craig today. Of course, for someone who cares, it wasn't a good feeling. I felt crap. It was one small mistake that I have done and I was just so annoyed at how sensitive he could be. Regardless, I tried not to show that anger cos when your partner's in a bit of an annoyed mess, the last thing you'd wanna do is to go against them and be all crazy angry over their sensitivity. We managed to talk on for a while 'normally' although there was a bit of a disappointment in my system. The feeling of 'oh god, I have upsetted my boyfriend.' lingered throughout the whole evening until the point that I had to distract myself with a movie.

The movie didn't work. I thought about how upset he must be.
After a while, I noticed that his action resembles that of mine when I was with Simon. How I was so sensitive with Simon, how crazy upset I would get easily. Then, I thought to myself how that would happen only because I loved Simon. Then, I noticed that despite the fact that Craig was pretty over-sensitive about such a small issue, he does love me. I smiled to myself thinking that and then I blamed myself because as much as I try not to make the same mistakes as I have with simon, I also make sure I don't do the same mistakes as he did.

Simon could've got me. I am a good catch. I would not be the hottest guy on earth but I would stay true to someone I love and I would fight for anything to be stable and committed to them. He let go of me because he couldn't resist my sensitivity. I guess I do NOT want to make that mistake.

Now, Craig is a good catch. He is one monogamous true boyfriend that I have ever come across and, to me, he is the hottest guy I wanted and I've got. What good of a boyfriend would I be if I am not making him happy???

So, I guess I am the one to be blamed for this. You know how you feel shitty after you know you've done the wrong thing. I didn't feel that today. In fact, I felt calmer and quite confident that I have somehow managed to genuinely understand why he was upset and that I would never do anything like that to ever upset him again.

Karma's a bitch and I would not want Craig to do what I did to him today.
And plus, isn't this what relationship is all about??? Solving things out...

Tales from the Internet Cafe

Spending almost six hours in an internet cafe on a Sunday was just interesting. It's funny and sad how some people do not respect privacy and how they think 'shouting' would allow the other end to hear what they said. There was this girl talking on the phone about how she wants her sis to send her money and how she has zilch at the moment. I feel bad for her and I know she has no choice but to shout her ass off just so her sister on the other line could hear me. But, on the other end, you have people like us, who do not choose to listen but somehow has her words stuck in our ears.

Then, we have this chick who chooses the corner of the room for a video chat, which is understandable, because that's what I would do if I ever do video chat in internet cafes. But it's funny how she kept going 'it's ok i have your screen on minimize.. come to the camera'... Her boyfriend might have been the shy type who wouldn't show his face on his cam just to be seen by the people around in the internet cafe but dude, ur chick has been screaming into our ears about minimizing the screen..

There was also another chick who was sitting next to me who was chatting video chat and she kept shifting her chairs and all. Everything was normal until she belched out a tune that the cafe was playing. I have to admit she's a good singer but when there was only her and me sitting in that row, I find it quite annoyingly funny she started to sing on top of her lungs for a few lines until she stopped. Hmm, honey, you just noticed you're in public???

The Courage of a man

It was a normal Saturday morning but I was thinking of going to hair salon and then I'll have to go to KC's house to work with Homokid. So, in another word, I was missing out on talking with Craig cos of Homokid. Such annoyance if you think of it. Woke up from last night's hangover at KP's place, my car was there to pick me up. I got home and half awake I checked the clock and I didn't wanna go to the hair salon.

That's what happens to my hair ALL THE TIME. I would be thinking of having it done and then it would look good on me. So, I ended up not going to the hair salon and I just went to the internet cafe for yet another weekend with Craig. I guess I do wanna get to talk to him as much as I can, given I'd hate to miss the opportunity to chat with him while both of us are free.

He was pretty surprised to see me and of course happy. But I don't think his happiness could not measure up my happiness when I saw a video of him in my gmail inbox. For a man who's self acclaimed shy, he's broken a lot of rules for me.

1. He fell for me despite the distance.
2. He went and had lunch with my friend.
3. He called me oversea.
4. We had that 'intimate' talk on gtalk.
5. He made a video of himself.

Well, apart from oversea, I think he's proved to me that he's done almost anything that he's never done and I've been just swooning at his courage since day one and things like the video this morning just totally make me appreciate him more.

I just feel like all the 'I love you's chucked at him are worth saying and worth repeating. Everyone knows I'm doing something out of the norm but one day when both Craig and I meet up and live up to this relationship, it will be something only people read of or dream of.

Oh, the rest of the day, I was just being a boring 'musician' to Homokid. Not interested in being his friend or his guru. Yes, I'm gay and I'm open minded and I have a good life and I went through everything that he is going through now on my own. I guess that actually makes you learn about life more. So, yeah.. work is work.. whatever, Homokid!!

Untitled

It was nice to see KP and Steve in my life again. Yes, if my life was a tv series, these two people and their wives would've been seen missing for the past three months. A cameo here and there but last night, they made a return.. so I guess the month March is beginning to show its good feathers. I guess it's not too long til I can actually experience 'good times' again...

It's nice that KP and steve are adapting themselves to 50 street. It used to be just NGO friends and me there but it's also nice that my friends are beginning to go there a lot. I got to know J-me as well, who's actually a champ. Funny biyatch!!!

Now, if I have to end this blog entry without anything wrong, it won't be right and like any humans do, I do find some negativity even in the happiest time of the day. Well, there's this kid who's not out of the closet but somehow he looks up to me. It's an ego booster and it feels good to be appreciated but this kid is just a bit weird.

First of all, he's a bit of a wannabe. He reminds me of me when I was 21 or 22. Just jumpy and thinking everything's fine. He also makes up stories in his head which he mistakes them with reality. It's like 'dude.. I don't even know her.. doesn't mean she will invite me'. Me using the terminology of a normal gay person such as 'babe' to the same gender has actually turned him into a 'i have to use this word at least 10 times per day' person.

He does know about craig but this kid(Homokid) has got to lay off of me. It's a bit of a sensitive case since I think any nice gestures from me would totally give him expectations and I don't think he would hesitate at any point to jump at the chance. I'm kinda glad he's not my type. But I really have to watch my action and words around him.... Don't get me wrong.. he's a nice kid.. but just immature and still learning in process.. fragile and just messed up

Work is a playground

So, here I am thinking I have matured because of work but alas, I have overestimated my colleagues. I don't think it's a bit of a decline in their behaviours but the inner child they have hidden so well has finally leaked out when bad shit strike. So, to cut the long story short, most of my colleagues are not happy with their latest salaries. Some turned two faced; some turned confused; some turned greedy and some turned just paranoid. And mind you, their age ranges from 24 to 50+. I'm actually quite surprised with the 50+ woman, given I respect her almost like a family member. So just like any scenarios, we got characters at work now.

The Robin Hood - So, heroes are supposed to do good deeds but somehow Robin Hood became a hero by stealing and handing them out to the poor. Now, we do have a leader who's kinda siding the poor (or the misfortunate.. actually the self acclaimed misfortunates). But the robin hood at work has this two face and might I add, the heroine, herself, doesn't know the real cause of her two faced ness... confused much?

The Backstabbers - Nah, it doesn't sound as bad as it does but in times of need and stress, one cannot cottonmouth and ignore other's downfall. So, no matter how friendly these people are, the ugly truth about their friend spilled out. Thank god I decided not to tittertale.

The Greeders - Yeah, they're nice people but once they could see the hope of getting high paid raises, they would do anything to fight for it. I know there are a lot of reasons why people work but when it comes to stages where you cannot help but just accept it, I would hate to see them leave but it's either a stay or go case.

The Confused - Some people are still confused in the playground not knowing how to solve things or not even know how to talk. I might be one of them.

So, my observations remain focused and my mouth remains shut. I do love them all to be honest.. it sucks to see them be all hideously immature all of a sudden

Cross Section Carpile

Despite the cheesiness and the amount of word grease that would make you sick on this entry, I was glad Craig was there for me during my time of weakness. As for friends, I know they'll always be there for me and I do value their support but I really don't want to bug them forever and at times, I do need someone who'll just be one on one honest and intimate with me. I'm actually really happy Craig stepped into that position. Even better that it was partially his 'shutting me off' on gtalk that really set my mood this bad, it's nice to know he cares about how hurt I was. Boss was right... relationship is all about work...

The month 'march' has been pretty upsetting and it just feels like this cross section on the road where every vehicles available pile up and crash into each other. A big junk pile of auto parts and stainless steel, my life is in a horrid mess. But it's also times like these when one can hope for a better tomorrow or a better week to come. I don't know what I'm capable of but my immunity intake for this month is starting to lessen and a bit of a good news would actually help in this case.

I hate March... I'm waiting for its twist!

Hein, the Painter

The dude, Michaelangelo, who had to paint church's ceiling.... I'm sure one of his plans in life was not to become someone who rebels gravity to create a picturesque. He might have wanted to be a rockstar or a McDonald's employee, but nope, life made him a painter who has to risk breaking his back whenever he paints.

I opened up to Craig about me yesterday. Only because I was at my worst. I told him I've got only him. I know I'm capable of being strong and happy most of the times, but at times, I just wish I was half as selfish as my family is. I have been trying my best to make sure everything is ok, keeping myself happy as well as them. I didn't even tell anyone about my boyfriend. I didn't even bother to make them listen to my stories.

I've been overjoyed with Craig for the past few months. He's someone who have made me see happiness and hopes in life once again. I could be myself around him and anything I do, he can deal with.

Yesterday, I lost control. This was because of my sister's issue and I was hoping the family would, for once, get together to fight this. But NO! I have to be the stupid god damn messenger. So, at first, my chat with Craig was good but then later it just turned horribly wrong to the point where he just left me.

Then, I guess, just as Michaelangelo, I can't be something I want to be in life and it's not my choice. I'm good at making others happier or curing their bad days but no one can stand my issues. I guess I'll just have to keep painting.

Walking alone

Sometimes I need to apologize,
Sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right,
Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut,
or only say hello,
Sometimes I still feel I'm walking alone


-Green Day