I never finished the movie yesterday. I don't know if I've blogged about this but the Pippa Lee I was watching yesterday, I didn't finish it but surprisingly, I did not put that DVD in my bag to return it to the DVD rental shop today. I did not forget about it. I just didn't want to give it back...
I noticed, today, that no matter how anxiety fucks me up, sadness gets me down or however my will is enpowered by defeat, nothing had made me quit. After GCE, I went to Singapore for my college and I noticed that I could either do Business, Accounting or Mechatronics as a course to get diploma in. I used to make up this stupid excuse where I would say I hate using the calculator and I hate to read the newspapers and that was the reason I took Mechatronics. I was asked to use a 600 degree soldering iron to connect wire, microchips to program codes in and wires to measure amperes. It was all new to me. I hated but I got a diploma with nothing less than a B. Then, I took Software Engineergs in Australia because I promised my best friend that I would follow him to Australia. I did and I did his course. I didn't like that course but I still took an IT course. My friends always used to say I don't look like an IT guy and whenever I pass my exams with a nearing failure of 50 or above marks, I would just smile cos I've passed onto another stage. It took me five years to finish the course. Five years of agony, homesickness and trying to find myself. I had days where I would just consume on wine bottles and cigarette packets would be my friend when I sat at my favorite bench in Randwick park. I didn't quit.
Of all the relationships I've had(which was one) and the guys I've dated, I was never the one to dump. It's because I know what I want and I just won't quit.
In addition to the cruel silence from Craig, which he didn't do anyways but the absence itself was haunting, my sister told me about this huge family fued that's been going on. I'm not gonna name names but I find it amazing how some of my close relatives cursed at my mom, called her a whore and shamed her cos her daughter, my sister, was divorced and I was gay. At first, I was shaking with anger but I emailed my sis saying this was the new beginning for us. Deep inside, I was even happier that they know I was gay. So, the whole day I forced myself to work work and do nothing but work. I was doing excel charts until my eyes got dry and I had to keep putting eye drops into each of my eyeballs and the contact lens. I spent mighty four hours for each solution. I checked out the code programmed by the statistician. I don't know the language, R, but I googled it and I hacked the code and FINALLY, at 5:40pm, I found the bug and I solved the problem. Because I am not a quitter.
I noticed that I am not a quitter. The more I think about it, the more I know that this is just something to challenge me. Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm worried sick. I'm crying deep inside. I feel alone. But no fucking way this is gonna make me quit. And Craigwise, he's so far away from quitting. Didn't even think about it to be honest but I just realized that I wouldn't quit him even if I was made to. I am just not a quitter in life.
I'm gonna finish that movie, work on my working plan, which is basically like coloring mosaic anyways, read the fucking field guide, work on the training guide that we are going to give the enumerators, read the fucking questionnaire and sleep my night away. I have also decided that I am going to finish this project at work. Even if I was forced to go to Sydney for my PR cos it's approved, I'll go for a day and come back and finish this project at work. Or if I'm not asked to come back, I'll work from Sydney until the project's done. Ah well... but for now, pokemon card game sounds mighty tempting as an hour of procrastination.
I got three words for those haters who would claim that I'm being stubborn about making my life harder......
SO FUCKING WHAT!!!!
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