Half Full / Half Empty

It's past midnight and I just hung up the phone while talking to my friend, Steve. He's playing pool at a hotel with Joel and a friend. He asked me to come and that he would pick me up. I told him he's gonna be going home soon anyways. Then, he said 'congratulations on your vcd shooting'. I didn't know if it was genuine or not but I wasn't smiling when he said that.

I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this before. I have always been moving around as a kid. Like some movies where the actor would know the old places he's done things before. The place in his high school where he had his first kiss, the place he gets beaten up and stuffs; I lack that. I hardly remember my childhood. It's just a blur of collective images in my head, to which I assume, is true.

I felt at home in Sydney. Maybe it was because my friends are awesome but maybe it's just because it was the era where I was trying to define my life. I came back here and I became a monk for a week. I hung out with my old friends who I've left without a trace before I went to Sydney. I was happy they still let me hang out with them and even happier when they didn't mind about my homosexuality. Got a full time job. I've been working a lot to start a career. Got a boyfriend who I wanna grow old with who lives miles away from me. Got my career back on track.

Unlike a normal Friday, I woke up nervous today because it was THE day. The day where I would be performing at a VCD shooting for my first involvement in a compilation album. The day where I would be performing on stage for the first time in seven years. The day where I would meet the media again. It went pretty well. I performed twice. The people did listen to me, while they would be chatting while others performed. They applauded twice and it was from most of them as compared to scattered applause for others. I was interviewed by three people for their respective journals. "What is the difference between Burmese and foreign music?" "So, are you finally settling down in the music industry?" "What would you be doing during the Burmese new year?"

The truth was I couldn't give a straight answer. I told them I can't promise I am finally settling down in the music industry and that I would be at home sleeping with DVD's since my whole life now-a-days have consisted of work, music making and an online boyfriend.

After the gig, I went to work at 3pm to finish off sifting out datas while I talked with Craig. Sweet man.. he always seems to make me smile. And I got my work done, bought dinner and had dinner with my grandparents, watched a movie and was planning to sleep.

Steve's phonecall.... that's what totally made me think... the fact here is.. am I happy living this life? I have finally got what I wanted in life and these things have been making me busy. I guess as a sacrifice for getting what I want, I am setting a perfectly bad example of keeping friends. A stable boyfriend, a hopeful music career and a promising work offers for the future. But, am I happy? But then again, when I used to hang out with Steve and KP six years ago, we used to wonder what to do and how life could be so boring and aimless.

So, I've got what I want. I'm growing up. In life, I guess you win some, you lose some. The winner could never take it all. Abba knows nothing about winning. I am winning but at the same time, I am letting go of my youth. Growing up can be lonely but not growing up is pointless.....

It's a half full/half empty glass.... so the question here is what am I seeing at the moment? And the answer is "I don't have a fucking clue".