Pippa Lee

Great cast. Good acting. Real story. Too real for my liking. I couldn't take it anymore. This movie about this dudette called Pippa Lee was painting my life for me. I don't know how she broke out of it and I'm not sure I want to. The movie made me stop the DVD player and I just feel like we're in a loophole.

So, Pippa Lee's mom was on speed when she was a baby. She'd do anything to adapt herself into a situation to make sure she's pretty and to make sure her kids and her husband see her as a cornflake ad mom. Pippa Lee grew up on drugs and didn't get to see her mom die cos she rebelled herself to live with her lesbian aunt, who kicked her outta the house cos she saw her taking pornographic-based photos with the aunt's girlfriend. Pippa Lee grew up to be this mysteriously happy adaptable lady, just like her mom, who sleepwalks and who couldn't find her happiness. She was also bad with her daughter and her husband, who cheated on his ex wife, who was richer, cheated on Pippa Lee with her friend cos he was scared of being old.

I don't know if I'm making sense here but.... I'm so scared I'd be like her. My dad died at age 39. Never lived to see his forties. Never lived to see the world trade center. Never lived to see me get a diploma or a degree. I never blamed him and still I failed to see me being sad over it cos he wasn't there in most of my important occasions. My diploma graduation, my degree graduation, the first album I semi-arranged and wrote most of the songs in, my first boyfriend *god he would've been so angry* or me trying my ass off to save the victims of a cyclone Nargis. Deep inside, I was happy for him to have gone this passage because as much as how great my family is, we're one retarded bunch. Diplomacy, discipline and rules of the house; elders are always right. My grandparents are awesome because I could never hate them or even think of them wrong I ended up this way.

My best friends once saw my secret. I was scared. I avoided them for weeks. I'm sorry, guys. One of my closest friends, Jen, always managed to read under my flesh. That annoyed me because she is honest and she is too kind to be ever open and honest to me. She was never convinced that I was honest with them. She's right. I wasn't. But it wasn't intentional. I've always wanted to make sure everything around me is awesome. I wanted to make sure people are happy with me. She has always wanted to be there for me, as much as Ali does. Both of them tried really hard to make me happy and make me come out of my misery closet (no it's not homosexuality). They didn't and I'm crying right now cos I didn't get to show them the real me. I couldn't dare to face anyone around me of how fucked up my actual life was and how depressed I can get.

So, basically, dad died cos he was sad. He didn't wanna upset his parents, nor his wife and kids. So, he got reckless and his life was just a waste away. It's ironic how he was all class even til the day he closed his eyes forever. One could never have known that it was a silent suicide. He left a book he wrote about his life. Mom told me it wasn't a good story. I never read it cos she won't let me. My grandparents refused to read it cos they are in denial of the fact that they're one of the factors. It wasn't their faults.

I could tell by their reactions on Saturday, during my uncle's birthday dinner, that they want me to be happy. Too late. I do want to tell them how happy I am but come to think of it, I'm bored of things. I'm bored with a couple of things around me. I feel this presence of abyss-like pit that I could easily fall into.

I found someone who I could be myself around. He's not well at the moment. I had to be strong but I just see this as myself adapting to the situation and tiptoeing around things making sure everything is perfect. Am I gonna become a cereal ad mom?

For now, I would just love to smoke my misery away to the night. Crickets flying around the ceiling light, that has got to be interesting than my life on hold. I'll be better tomorrow.. just that I have promised to be honest in my blog....

One day, if I could, I wanna look back at today as the day I let go of my misery... or I guess, TRY to let go of my misery. Will I succeed? Time knows the answer. I don't. Craig doesn't. Jen doesn't. Ali doesn't. My family don't. No one does. Fuck it, I need the cig right now...... love you, world.. fuck you too!