One Day At A Time

It's been eleven years and one month since my dad died. The only reason I brought that up was only because having to wake up at six am in the morning to go to temple always has never failed to remind me. It's like a little voice saying "Son, you don't have a dad". Gee, thanx little voice. It's not like I forget.

Today, while gtalking at work like any other days since this project started, I chatted with my bestest friend from Sydney, Ali. It was a great talk. It's been a while since I've talked to her and I enjoy talking to her since she's like me with a vagina, maybe smarter and a lot more sophisticated, but I like to blame that on gender. I mean, come on, girls are usually much wiser and behaved.

I was telling her about how Craig might get a job in Brisbane and I might have to follow him. Don't get me wrong she IS happy for me about having found someone I love who loves me FINALLY. But, I realized what I've said raised a hellotta questions when she said "Oh! Brisbane? Then, you won't see us. You might as well just be in Burma then."

Several years ago, I had a boyfriend. Now, when I say 'boyfriend', that's when I would imagine us to be together for quite a long time. It's true I see forever with Craig at the moment but during Simon, it was just 'long time'. I never had an infinite amount to how long I would wanna be with him. But still, as a responsible Heiner who wears his heart up his sleeve, I did love Simon as a good loyal boyfriend. In fact, I overdid it. I totally barred my five best friends. Ali, Jen, Alex and Zhe, together with Danny, I just totally ignored them. They were happy for me until Easter Day. That pissed off a lot of them off since I went to the Easter show with them, tagging Simon along. Halfway through, Simon had a gay moment where he wanted to go home. He said I could stay with my friends and come back home later but I went home with him. My friends, though they didn't show it, were disappointed. But they didn't do anything to stop me from going home.

A month and few weeks later, I got dumped and left. Simon flew back to London and I was left in an empty house where he and I used to live before. Haunted by the ghost of him, I couldn't bear to sleep in any of our rooms and I would just sleep with my futon bed in the living room while Big Brothers was on. Most of the nights, crying seems to be my favorite activity to the point I wouldn't be able to tell if I cried the night before or not due to my pillow being overdrenched with my tears.

I needed resurrection. I needed a survival kit. I needed my life back. I guess that's when you know who your real friends are. There they were .. Ali, Jen, Zhe, Alex and Danny.. it seems like those five together could transform into a walking breathing huge therapeutic center for me. I strived on for two years but these guys were patient.

Now, I know Craig is NOTHING like Simon and I do trust him. But at the same time, I had a dilemma. If I live with him in Brisbane, how would I get back to my friends? Given I still need to do a lot of catch up with them since my life before this was busy with assignments and them being at uni or just work, all busy. That also haunted me with the thought of not meeting my other friends from Revue. I did end up having a couple of close friends from Revue. On the other hand, I also have work friends. Not to forget my very few yet special burmese sisters. Well, given I live in Sydney, what's the point of ever fighting for Craig? I love this man and I do want to live with him and the thought of having a home together excites me and makes me happy everyday. So, the dilemma fucked me up real good.

I promised Craig I would be open to him and I talked to him about it. In all honesty, I really want him to prolong or better his career and have a brighter future. But somehow, I did have to tell him this. When he said 'he will do anything to be together', my hands shook. That's not what I want but at the same time the measurement of his love for me is just unbelievable at times.

Life doesn't give you a solution. It gives you MANY solutions. (Seriously I don't see how some people could just give up). So, our convo ended with 'we'll see'. I know I'm just having a busy day at work (yes it became busier in the evening), worrying about my future. Like Boss said, "Swe, take one day at a time".....

I guess I should....