Nine Hours

After nine hours later, the directors' meeting was done. Robyn, Jack and I had a informal but yet very fulfilling and worthy meeting from 2pm til 11:30pm. And god, all I can say is I'm frigging excited to direct med revue 2009. Things that we came up with were just crazy and all the songs, dance and all that shit were just amazing. Of course we still have to sort it out with the producers. But all I can say is I'm one happy motherfucker to agree to work with two amazing people and I'm sure tomorrow meeting with the producers will be a big fat blast. God, I'm happy.

Music: Kosheen - Damage

Mood: overjoyed

How To Save A Life

So, there is a thing called value in life. One of my friends made me cry tonight. He was typing stuffs away and I was reading each and every sentence and I couldn't stop but cry. That friend of mine, like I did, nearly took his life last year. And somehow during that era, he 'hung out' a lot with me. And he didn't. Now, I know this sounds stupid. But I do love him lots and I won't be able to forgive him if he ever did. After hearing him say how I was one of those elements that caused him not to take his life, I just cried. I couldn't stop my tears.

I cried cos he took the same path as I did. Three suicide attempts I've tried and my dad died when I was 19 cos he didn't take care of himself much (it was his health morelike.. not suicide), I am loving life so much more. And after talking about this with him, I just know that I'll be able to confide myself to him more and we'll kick ass in this thing called life.

So, after talking to him, I know I shouldn't be feeling nervous/scared/sad about this revue directing thing. I was for a while. But I shouldn't. Cos this is my chance to learn things from it. Paul Ayre told me to get a brother like friend who's outta the revue crowd to talk to during revuetime.. I've got mine now and I'm glad I got this friend as well.... cos I'll need this friend as much as I need air to breathe....

On a very different note, a big thanx to Crystal Y, Kai, Aarti, Owen, Erin, Iva P and Will for coming to my gig yesternight. I only rehearsed for two songs but ended up singing like four more songs with Avin's guitar. And FINALLY I got to watch Ladacy perform and I was damn proud of Dan and Cynthia. Cynthia sounds so much better with her own songs. I can't get over how good she was at Hours, Minutes. I think Dan should get more parts but of course he managed to melt my and all of my friends' hearts with his More than words cover.

Music: Fountains Of Wayne - This better be good

Mood: warm and fuzzy

Up On The Down Side

I'm trying not to be too opinionated on things lately and things have been going well but somehow, it's made my blog empty. Thank god I had something to say for today. Friendship comes from anything. It comes from things like bumping into each other in the hallway or just getting on the same bus. Today, it came from an extra two pieces of roast pork in my lunch. I have FINALLY conquered the grace of roast pork shop in market city. I have been eating there too much that they have started giving me extra pieces and damn don't they know that my favorite is roast pork despite the fact that I usually order that with soy sauce chicken all the time. So, the roast pork shop lady said "You ah always buy roast pork from us ah. We give you extra." Now the horror did arise when she asked which shop I worked in. I mean come on. Jayjays is cheap enough to NOT give discount to. Despite my fear that she would be expecting a discount from Jayjays, I did tell her. After all, she's a nice lady and I love roast pork.

Despite my roast pork happiness, work was horrible. Seven can be such a bludger at times. He's become Zoey the second. Well, Zoey at least does things when asked and she's just a bit young and kinda naive when it comes to thinking what to do next. But thanx to Soon's training, Zoey has been swell to work with. But Seven was just horrid. He always looks around (claiming he's checking for shop lifters). The thing is, YOU DON'T JUST LOOK AROUND AND DO NOTHING!!!! God, I swear the shop would have been so much messier if I hadn't closed it thirty minutes early.

After work was funtime once again. I was at Dan's rehearsing for the gig tomorrow. I have finally decided that I'm only gonna do two songs. It's kinda bad but I don't really feel like carrying a guitar and I'm not really in the mood for this gig. I have no idea why. I just don't wanna do it. Ah well, I guess I'll just give it a go with the two songs I've rehearsed with Dan.

Oh, me and Dan went to shift. It was great to go there with a friend. I think I'm enjoying the company of a friend at a gay bar as opposed to going on my own :)

Back in the Chain Gang

What Have I Got Myself Into

So, it's day 1 being a director for Med Revue 2009. Which means, I can't bitch anything about it which is totally fine with me and which is totally worth doing since like a really valued friend of mine said 'You CANNOT judge people in revue.' So I didn't. And that was why I did not bail out today and that was why I didn't end up leaving the AGM room. So, what really happened? Well, for once I'd love to keep things to myself.

Well, something's got me thinking. Am I doing this Med Revue for me or for the show? I was thinking it was more for the show but now that I've seen the uglier side of things (which I am NOT gonna mention), I have to ask myself 'am I ready to be this?' I guess the fact that my grandad was a fair player of diplomacy always helps. He was a fair man after all. So, I do worry that despite me being diplomatic, will I be able to be fair and truly honest with myself, let alone with others.

Or in another option, am I doing this for myself. To boost my self esteem, to attract others and to make myself more worthy.

Dear blog,

It was a good day getting to be the director, especially when I hear people talking after the AGM that I was loved along with my co-peeps Jack and Robyn, both who I really love and trust. However, how long will I be able to fake this feeling of 'everything is ok'ness? How long will I be able to hold myself back from not bitching. If you wanna stay outta trouble, Hein, just SHUT THE FUCK UP!! And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

Case closed!

Music: All Saints - Surrender

Mood: scared

Leave A Light On

I just walked back from my failed mission to McD with my flatmate. She doesn't really have a legal liscence but yet she drove me to McD. So, I felt a bit bad that we got pulled over by police and now she's gotta pay some shit amount of money. I know it's not really my fault but I triggered her to drive. You see, when it comes to driving, she's more than eager to do it. So yeah, it was kinda scary having to stand next to a sirened police car for an hour. Plus, I did initially lie to them that I hold a liscence but later I told them that I lied. That was very Lil Kim of me but well, I just know that I should not lie to police...

The day wasn't that bad today. I'm starting to work on getting my visa sorted and I went to lab but the most exciting part was meeting up with Dumov, Kieran. Kieran and I had not seen each other in ages. I know we used to date for a month and the fact that he dumped me hurt me like a bitch but our friendship of seven months before we went out together was just too much to get rid of. On the other hand, he does enjoy the fact that I could forgive him and I do enjoy the fact that we were as before. And I do like his boyfriend at the moment, Michael. I think they make a cute couple and I do like Michael. A good lad. We both had pizza on the bench next to the ritz cinema, had bourbon and coke at the ritz bar and saw mummy III. It was good except for the new actress who was supposed to be playing the old actress's role. I never knew Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li would be in this. It was quite entertaining but I still find the new actress ANNOYING. The dude who played their son was pretty cute as well.

AGM's in 18 hours. And all of a sudden, we have four candidates for producers: Tran, Charles, Owen and Mel. I do wish the best for all of them and I really wouldn't mind if any of them make it since I really like four of them. On the other hand, the director's song is still in process. hehehe

Music: Nate Dogg feat. Snoop Dogg - Never Leave Me Alone

Mood: dazed

Drunk On Love

I really hate the fact that it's getting hot. This means sweaty armpits, buzzy flies and BIG FAT PIECE OF LAUNDRY. And MORE PERFUME. and more showers. and more cleanage. GOD!!! I just hate it when things get warm here. I feel so hot at the moment that I swear if 'heat' was an object or a person, he/she'd be dead by now and by dead, I mean forever gone 'dead'.

I had a good time with Jack and Robyn in front of the science theatre today doing the directors talk getting ready for our speeches. Then, I had a good time pigging out with Ness. So, whenever I see Ness I either slack or eat a lot. But, let's look at it from the 'positive' view. The fact that I'd be doing bad things with Ness (bad things as in EATING) makes me realize I'll have to go on diet the next day and by that, I can be well prepared for a hearty self-death-defying-diet treat the next day which involves sardines and fiber drinks. Sounds gross? Well, that's what I bought gums for.

In another news, I got drunk again last night and I don't really like alcohol anymore. Cos I got sick this morning and I felt like shit. And not those pretty brown shit. Just this lump of dark colored fucked up in the texture shit. So, I don't think I really like alcohol anymore. I drank cos I was being a drama queen and doing the whole self pity. But the funny thing was I drank with Dion, who happened to be one of those 'I don't give a shit about ur drama, whore.. just drink and enjoy life' type of friends. Plus, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't with him. So, we had fun dancing retro at midnight shift and laughing at drag queens at Stonewalls. Far better, we got up on stage and shook our fats. I saw some of the cutest guys in there but somehow I have this inner sixth sense where I could tell the rate of knowledge pulse inside of their brains; how their rods and cones are malfunctioning in loops. So, the outer beauty don't really fool me much anymore. But it was a good feeling sitting next to two Bel Ami look alike jocks and asking them to do a manage a trois with this hot geek who was with them and their straight friend, Ian, in return, talked to me and was all gay with me; rubbing my head and all that shit. Things got a little bit interesting when he insisted on editing the message I was sending to Amelia. It goes like "I am as straight as a gun barrel and you should come here and hang out with me". Dream on that, straight boy!!! Amelia is taken and I doubt she'd wanna date some straight drunk in a gay pub who's rubbing some Burmese gay guy's head. I'm glad I sent drunk love messages to those I cared about. Ness, Amelia, Robyn and Jack and Nick D. Those people were on my mind last night for some reason. I do regret messaging David though. Now, we're having this 'are you ok' relationship on msn. Kinda pathetic but I'm riding by just for the fun of watching to what distance some dudes would go to show how much they care.

Rarr rarr rarr I'm tired and I need sleep.
deep ones too

Music: The Veronicas - Take Me On The Floor

Mood: hot as hell

That's Not The Hein

They call me drunk
they call me crazy
they call me twerp
they call me hein
that's not my name
that's not my name...

hahaha I was totally out of it last night but just glad I was with Dion at that time. And I had some good convos at stonewall as opposed to flirtheads. And I saw KYLE. The gym cafe dude. He was there with his brother but it was great to see him there. He came and said hello to me. So, I guess that kinda made my night.

By the way, this is not the hein that I know of. Now, I'm gonna get back to the hein that I was a week ago. :)

... as soon as I finish this cigarette pack

Reflection

To make things worse..... Brad(the army guy) emailed me.. for some reason, and I think this is the reason why he's been quiet, he said he's going to Peru with his 'soul mate' and leaving the army or something.. wow things change a lot eh... and there goes our trip to burma and the possibility of me giving him a movie date lol..

This thing don't really fuck me up much anyway cos I do respect Brad and I wasn't expecting anything from him... but the fact that some soldier in Kuwait can maintain a firm 'soul mate' whilst there makes me more sick of people here in general who don't even know the real vaue of belonging to one another... shame on them really

his email is interesting though...

...Heine - good to hear from you, it has indeed been awhile since we last exchanged emails. It is unfortunate to hear however that the very essence of your note is one of sadness and distress. I would hate to hear that you would allow an outside force to affect you so deeply. I can only assume that this temporary feeling of cynicism stems from a singular incident/person. If that is indeed the case, you must remember that your uniqueness, which you strive so hard to maintain, is the very cause of your frustration. Society in general shuns that which it does not understand and you my friend choose to stay socially elusive ergo, you are the cause of your own misfortune. Don't take this in a way that is insulting, as I certainly don't mean to imbue such a sense. Instead, merely take a step back to fully understand that everyone creates the exact way in which s/he is treated by anyone and everyone that crosses his/her path ;)

Despite the fact that he spelt my name wrong, he's got a point.. I DO have to take a deep breath.....

For Your Eyes Only

Sydney lacks two things. Security and trash bins. Like seriously, I was standing at the bus stop in Alexandria with the McD's trash in my hand and was looking for a bin. I walked like two bus stops and a block and a half and I saw nothing. So, I took a cab instead cos I hate having too many things in my hand on a bus and McD trash DOES stink despite the good food. Now, security... I don't mean security as in security guards. It's more like people's courage to do something. I think people here in Sydney are SO friggin relaxed it's so stupidly hard to make a decision cos they're so scary cat about one little 'might be wrong' thing they might do.

So, revue's over! Now, this is where I panic since I have NOTHING to do. Maybe assignments but who cares about them at the moment. I hate uniwork. Yuxor. But yeah, I'm so in deep shit cos I have nothing to do with myself. So, this might mean I might lure back to the scene again. I've been back to the drinking scene. I got drunk and kissed Zoe and Jane during CSE afterparty. Jane and I were cool cos we're trashbags anyways but Zoeywise, ah well.. she IS a nice kisser so it was so not wasted. Better than some jerk who would just kiss me to have a piece of me in bed with them. Another highlight of the party is when Jack, Robyn, Jess and I walked in half naked and danced half naked to represent next year's Med Revue 2009 and some dudes took their shirts off as well. Rock on, cse party people!! I'm having some good feeling about Med Revue 2009.... *swoons*

So, I had an eye moment with this dude in front of the science theatre. I was SO STUPID to not have talked to him. So, given that he might be doing some google searches.. I'm gonna be stupidly clever now and kinda help him with his search... please bear with me, readers but I really need to see this guy..

I AM THE GUY IN FRONT OF THE SCIENCE THEATRE WHO LOOKED AT U WITH THE MOLE. SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE SCIENCE THEATRE GAY MOLE UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW UNSW SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY SCIENCE THEATRE GAY

now that should be enough for google to return with this blog address.. SO, given he's found me via google.. here's my message

"I'm so sorry that I didn't talk to you. You might have been looking at me cos I'm weird or cos you wanna bash some pooftas in uni. I was brought up in a country where staring equals beating up. So yeah, I dare not come up to you and have assumed wrong shit. If you still wanna stare at me, come to the science theatre every afternoon. I'll be there studying (I hope).. except Tuesday and Thursday... I'll be on the grass patch in front of Science Theatre..

P.S. can we at least talk this time? I do speak good engrish you know"

Music: Lighthouse Family - Lost in Space

Mood: hopeful

Hurt

So, why did I go to cse revue for the second time tonight? Well, cos like I totally want attention from the crowd as a choreographer you see.....

NOT

hahaha well attentionwise, it's nice but that's not the reason I was there tonight. First of all, it's been a while since I do outings with my close friends like Jen, Zhe and Sara. So, it was cool to go with them tonight. Second, they had one ticket extra. Well, I guess those were the only reasons.

Ok, so I got something to blog about. I have blogged about the fact that little things piss me off. Like, if I fail exams and stuffs, knowing there's nothing to make it unwork, I rarely stress after a two hours of gaped mouth and big eyes moment. However, little things REALLY tick me off. I used to hate it when LB calls me 'mate' and it was nothing compared to failing your semester and having to pay 450 bucks for visa extension. So, yesternight, Wind said something that just made me stop wanting to chase him. It just fucked up everything I have in me. It was one simple word. "Buddy".. When he used that word, I just think to myself, 'well fuck this.. I'm done'. The thing is he might NOT even know I have a crush on him and he might NOT even like me that way. Well, if he did, I hope the next guy he has a crush on, he would be more specifically expressive. So yeah, I'm better off on my own at the moment.

And just now, I had a talk to David. This guy who I've had a bit of an attention for. But let's just say the attention won't be there. I'm hurt to be honest but I refused to tell him. He IS seeing someone after all and it was my fault to have flirted with him. I only came out to him today as someone who was flirting with him and he said he wasn't flirting with me. He was just being a friend. I guess he's right. He felt sorry for leading me on. But you see, the picture here is.... if I had won him over, how would I ever trust him in the future about other guys fliritng with him and getting his attention while he's with me. Now, that would be karma and that WILL happen. Why would you want someone in life who is easily swayed to your view/attention while he's seeing someone.

It hurts so bad

but yet it feels so good to sift through boys..

My only weakness is..

I can't hate them .....

not Wind
not even David...

Music: Estelle - Free

Mood: hurt

Back in the game for a night

Serenity. 5am. It's been a while since the last time I woke up this early. I just got back from bondi junction. A coffee with Nick last night led to a pub with beer. Yes, I ended up sleeping with him. I tried to get off his bed to go home around midnight but he caught me. For some reason, he didn't want me to leave. I find that a bit assuring and annoying. Assuring cos I felt wanted. Annoying cos I wanted to leave. I was going against my elements of staying outta trouble. Cheap sex, alcohol and smoking. I guess being a loner in another country does have its downers. Sometimes, I just get bored. That's how the coffee started anyways. Ah well, I've done it. I've had sex after a month of not. It did feel good. But yeah hopefully, this one turns out to be not a user. Cos that's the last thing I need and I've been conservative and cynic enough already let alone getting myself into traps. I think I'll call them the 'loner' traps. Things you do when you get lonely and bored. Don't get me wrong. I have lots of friends.. lots of good ones and bad ones but at times, when you end up in solitude and kinda miss the warmth you get from your family, especially since my family's quite asian when it comes to warmth-giving. Overly caring and protective. And given I do miss my mom a lot at times, it's hard for me to be strongly sane on my own. So I started fishing for warmth and therapeutic mind-boggling warm vanilla intimacy. And yes, I fell prey to Nick. Amen!

Updates

As I've always been honest with myself and my blog, I guess it's about time we bitch about someone who we all wanted to hear me bitch about. Me! I was a bit disappointed today cos Ryan and I were talking and he had been away for sometimes fixing his house and all that. And, while he's onto that, he's found someone. I know it's natural and I know it's none of my business but it kinda hurts. To be honest, I wasn't thinking of him until he messaged me today. So, when he talked about his 'guy', it hurt me. and I don't know why. I did like Ryan and I did see him as a potential someone. As mentally clicking and I was attracted to him but I wasn't sure if he was to me. I don't know.. I have no rights in whatsoever life other guys lead. But whenever I see the people I have crushes on linked with other men, it makes me wonder what have I done to not get to know them much. Or if they were lying when they said they enjoyed my company. Or worse, if I was giving them the fucked up wrong signals. It just hurts me a lot for some reason. It's not Ryan's fault.

Now I've been talking to this guy Dave. He's seeing some kid in Sydney and he lives like an hour away from Sydney. I do love talking to him since he's kinda a good talker and I could be myself around him. We kept flirting a bit. Now, the thing is... will I be good enough to trust him to a good relationship given that if he were to make a move on me, it would mean that he was into me while he was with this dude. Another thing is I do not wanna lose out on him as he's one of those rare people I could share my 'personality' with.

On the other hand, we have Brett. I have always been attracted to Brett. A bit older than me but very hot, we started on as physically attracted and I have always been trying to have a sex date with him somewhat. He and I talked on the phone and he seems intrigued on getting to know me better and he was even volunteering to help out with the costumes if I ever get to be the director med revue 2009. He does costumes professionally for money but he won't charge me for any. So he says.

I don't know... at the same time while these things are happening, Wind has always been in my mind, head and heart the whole time. If only he knew how much I like him, it'd do me good.

See, I've been committing myself to a lot of things to avoid getting into trouble - cheap one timer sex, alcohol, smoking, clubbing. Just think how much of a shit I'd be in if I were to be out and about doing other guys while these four men are in my head. This is happening to someone who hasn't been going out for a while. It amazes me and annoys me at times.

On the other hand, my assignment's done. I saw my dance crew do the revue dance today. The dance that I choreographed. I got really teary since they've done so much for me. The techs doing the milk crates, Charm doing the lights, the dancers doing the dance and the singers doing the moves. I know it's all for a good show but I'm just glad it all went out really well. So, I was a bit teary watching my baby go into bloom. Then, I got this AGM for med revue 2009. And I might be performing on 28th September at some bar. I might even audition for the dance production that Chelsea told me about. I'm loving life the way it is and at times I just think to myself; am I being right doing all of these to totally be confident with my 'single' life or am I doing wrong in letting go of 'having fun looking around' era while I'm still at my active point in my youth.

Heroes season 3 counting: 8 days left

Music: Christopher Cross - Arthur's Theme

Mood: confuzzled

AGM to come

I just looked at the msn friend list and kevin's id says 'life sucks'. So, I put a mental note not to kinda say hello back to him in case he ever messages. No, it's not like I don't care about people but at times, it's useless to care about people if what they're ever trying to do is just get pampers from you and not do anything. This kev guy whinges and whinges and does nothing to improve it. Well, I can be a bit biased though. Me and Robyn(from uni) went through some phases like that BUT I still love her to death. But kevinwise, it's different. God, he was so ashamed when he, andrew and I were eating in a vietnamese restaurant and I said something funny which is of course sexual-contexted. Yes, Dan, if you're reading this, it's Keviti I'm talking about and you might wanna put yourself on away or something as well on your msn. God, I feel evil now. lol

On another news, I just noticed that a lot of people are coming to AGM. Like, people like Hamo and Nick MJ. Well, it's not like I don't like them. In fact, I respect Nick MJ so much it intimidates me to talk to him without stuttering. So, given there'll be them sitting there watching me go all speechy, it's quite nerve-wrecking. So, now amidst the fear of not having a speech, I have this fear of not making my speech sound 'eva'ish and it has to be creatively funny as well.. OMG, this is so nerve wrecking. URGH *brain damage*

Heroes season 3 counting: 14 days left
Music: Motion City Soundtrack - Fell In Love Without You

Mood: puzzled

Jayjays Tales: Birth of Paul

Weirdness took its turn today and kinda surprised me to extreme. It was yet another day at work, nothing exciting than trying to make Leah laugh since she kinda lost her voice and it was fun trying to make her laugh cos she sounds squeaky and cute when she laughs. So, after Sam left, I was left alone in the shop. This was when this cute guy came into the shop. Not hot or anything but he was cute. Mid-age and cute that is. He stared at me and then said hi. I said hi back and kinda stole glances like I would always do. THEN, he came to the counter and whispered but all I heard was 'hot looking guy'. Then, I went huh and then he whispered to me "I said you're a hot looking guy". Now, for someone to have the guts to say that given he's also cute TOTALLY got my attention. I was blushing(I know cos I was hot all over my body) and I was kinda semi shaking since I have no idea what to do but I told him "It's a bit hard to take that compliment coming from a cute guy". Then, the convo went on and it ended up me giving him my number and msn. Before he left he said "I know it sounds bad but I was hoping we could have two minutes in the backroom". I just laughed and told him "I'm not the manager and I'm an immigrant so you wouldn't suggest that to me". Well, apart from that backroom comment, it was a feel good booster. I told him that he deserved my number for being so open and brave. Name's Paul. Now, let's see what he does next. ;)

P.S. Catching up with Stevie and Ali last night was pretty cool. I think I like Slide.

Heroes season 3 counting : 16 days left

Music : D12 - Bitch

Mood : boosted

The Decision's Made...

It's a great feeling to have friends but it's a better feeling to have people wanting you to succeed. I have finally decided that I'll go for the director candidate for Med Revue 2009 and despite the fact that people are quite positive about it, I'm very nervous and excited at the same time. It was refreshing to see how some people were really excited about it and thinking of doing cast and all that. It was very warm and fuzzy. Today, I went to Law Revue again with the CSE REVUE crowd and also cos Vinnie forced the shit outta me; given that Vinnie and I haven't hung out for a while I did enjoy our time together today with Jess, him and me talking our asses away. I guess I still have that patriotic CSE Revue blood in me too despite the fact that I don't hang around there much (THOUGH I've been studying there these days for some time).

So, these are the points I wanna really try as a director (if I should be voted).

• First of all, I think I would love to be honest and a bit more honest to people cos I think people would love an honest leader as opposed to a leader who's doing things for everyeone and I don't think one can do things that please everyone.
• This leads to good compromising skills and good encouragements/discouragements. For example, I'd rather I have a cast of 30+ and a good show as opposed to 50+ cast members with a hectic outcome. (I know Law revue directors have done it and I have so much respect for that and it's not my position to judge if they've done a good job or not but I did go to their show twice.)
• I REALLY wanna be open and honest to the other two directors as well as opposed to each of us venting out to our close friends and having that awkward atmosphere among us.
• I have to believe that there's no such thing as unsolvable. Anything is solvable. If things are solvable and fixed, so can our ego and stubbornness. I wanna make sure they don't get in the way. The other directors have every rights to stop me or object me.
• I want to learn things from everyone. Despite the fact that I would have the freedom to make the show however I want it, I DO need to know the trend and the blueprint of the show or the backbone. I don't wanna totally wreck something some good people came up with years ago.
• I also want EVERY decisions to be agreed by three and I want our directors to be brave enough to answer things rightly to cast members when asked.

Yes, I'm babbling stuff but this blog will help me ease my mind and make things easier if I should have a reflectory moment. I'm glad that Jack and Hutch are going for Directors as well and I think it will be a good team, also given that Mel is producing and staying with me during the medrevue era. It's a great feeling and I'm willing to learn things and give it my best shot.

I told Sam Gentle, my ex director, today and I do wanna talk with him as well. I'm gonna talk to him, Tessa, Dave Loxton, Laura D and Glenn. It's gonna be NOT easy but as self conscious as I can be and as confident as I would wanna express myself to others as, I think being a director would be very challenging and exciting for me....

Wish me luck!

Thought of the night

Every break up's in a relationship had NOT made me bitter but it's made me more selective cos I feel like I can do better than the previous levelled men.

So, let's not mistake our 'lessons learnt' pickiness with bitterness, shall we not!

Med Revue does Law Revue

Law Revue was on tonight. It was good.. good that I saw Nick act again and was refreshing seeing Mills, Tessa, Robbie, Jane and Jack doing their thing. The highlights were Nick doing an american accent, Mills singing the star wars song, Tessa's jazzy number, Robbie dancing in Star Wars attire at the very end, Jane's Crack dance and Jack's Schmack dance. Boy, am I happy I got talented friends. Maybe I'm biased but though I did see flaws in some acts and find some of them boring, I see no flaws in the sketches these six were in or anything that Whitey and Greta were in. And I was disappointed that the nude boys were actually not hot though I have to say they got good bubble butts. No wonder they dare to go around nude. The voice overs were so good, given that it's Paul Ayre and Jeeves. I gotta say they both ARE somewhat so good in comedic performance and I somehow in a way respect both of them. The show was long and there was a point where it dragged and I just felt like seeing the FINAL number but then again, come on, in a cast of sixty people, I think the directors would have such issues trying to give everyone a fair bit of showtime. Other highlights were the six people acapella (THAT WAS AWESOME) and the coffee of public sketch and the law revue tv. Random but very unique I have to say. All in all, I enjoyed it and that's all that matters. It was good to see med revue people again as well since I do miss them no matter how much I don't wanna socialize these days.

So, the sardine diet starts today and I'm proud all I ate the whole day was water and sardines. For vege shots, I'll take those fiber drinks. But yeah, no matter what people say, I guess vanity does make me do stupid things. Oh, by the way, I DID study today and I saw "WIND" again but it kinda was awkward to try to talk right to him since I'm a bit sore(not that bitterly sore) with him for being so bad at keeping in touch but yeah... if he wants my attention, he's more than welcome to have it but the meeting today was short and brief.

Heroes season 3 counting: 20 days left

Music: Alicia Keys - Superwoman

Mood: nervous about the exam

The Villain

There are heroes in our lives and there are villains. And there are those who we HAVE to have for the heroes to shine and there are those we just love to hate, or even love to love. Take Dexter for example. He could be titled as a 'villain' and if he doesn't kill anyone in an episode, I just get a bit disappointed and wished he'd kill. So, there ARE villains we love after all. Another good example would be Queen B from Gossip Girl. Quoted "I'm the crazy bitch in town", we DO love her for being so outrageously bitchy and scandalously ill maliced to others. Can she help it? Well, can we help not hating her. She rocks the whole show.

My point is I think I'm turning into a villain. Not sure if I would be loved or hated. I am not doing any bad things... yet. But I've just totally buzzed outta my shell. I've become more cynical and bitter about little things in life. Am I turning out like to be my flatmate when she was about to turn thirty? I used to think she was so bitter and sore and anti-social. And now I have realized that I've completely turned into that. Not only that but I have become a bit uptight. Nothing amuses me as much as it used to. I went to a bar three nights ago and ended up playing ninetendo DS in the pub and went to gay bar afterwards just hoping I'd leave any minute, rejected two possible flirts online. Something must be in my head and I don't know what. Do I want a boyfriend? hahahaha, not that I know of. Am I feeling lonely? Well, it's only human to feel that. Am I still the Hein I know or have things changed? What has got into me? So, if I were a villain, would I be loved still? O, u gotta love the questions.

Heroes season 3 counting: 21 days left

Music: Alice In Chains - Dirt

Mood: bored as