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As I've always been honest with myself and my blog, I guess it's about time we bitch about someone who we all wanted to hear me bitch about. Me! I was a bit disappointed today cos Ryan and I were talking and he had been away for sometimes fixing his house and all that. And, while he's onto that, he's found someone. I know it's natural and I know it's none of my business but it kinda hurts. To be honest, I wasn't thinking of him until he messaged me today. So, when he talked about his 'guy', it hurt me. and I don't know why. I did like Ryan and I did see him as a potential someone. As mentally clicking and I was attracted to him but I wasn't sure if he was to me. I don't know.. I have no rights in whatsoever life other guys lead. But whenever I see the people I have crushes on linked with other men, it makes me wonder what have I done to not get to know them much. Or if they were lying when they said they enjoyed my company. Or worse, if I was giving them the fucked up wrong signals. It just hurts me a lot for some reason. It's not Ryan's fault.

Now I've been talking to this guy Dave. He's seeing some kid in Sydney and he lives like an hour away from Sydney. I do love talking to him since he's kinda a good talker and I could be myself around him. We kept flirting a bit. Now, the thing is... will I be good enough to trust him to a good relationship given that if he were to make a move on me, it would mean that he was into me while he was with this dude. Another thing is I do not wanna lose out on him as he's one of those rare people I could share my 'personality' with.

On the other hand, we have Brett. I have always been attracted to Brett. A bit older than me but very hot, we started on as physically attracted and I have always been trying to have a sex date with him somewhat. He and I talked on the phone and he seems intrigued on getting to know me better and he was even volunteering to help out with the costumes if I ever get to be the director med revue 2009. He does costumes professionally for money but he won't charge me for any. So he says.

I don't know... at the same time while these things are happening, Wind has always been in my mind, head and heart the whole time. If only he knew how much I like him, it'd do me good.

See, I've been committing myself to a lot of things to avoid getting into trouble - cheap one timer sex, alcohol, smoking, clubbing. Just think how much of a shit I'd be in if I were to be out and about doing other guys while these four men are in my head. This is happening to someone who hasn't been going out for a while. It amazes me and annoys me at times.

On the other hand, my assignment's done. I saw my dance crew do the revue dance today. The dance that I choreographed. I got really teary since they've done so much for me. The techs doing the milk crates, Charm doing the lights, the dancers doing the dance and the singers doing the moves. I know it's all for a good show but I'm just glad it all went out really well. So, I was a bit teary watching my baby go into bloom. Then, I got this AGM for med revue 2009. And I might be performing on 28th September at some bar. I might even audition for the dance production that Chelsea told me about. I'm loving life the way it is and at times I just think to myself; am I being right doing all of these to totally be confident with my 'single' life or am I doing wrong in letting go of 'having fun looking around' era while I'm still at my active point in my youth.

Heroes season 3 counting: 8 days left

Music: Christopher Cross - Arthur's Theme

Mood: confuzzled