Acceptance and Forgiveness

Who am I kidding? I do not hate Aria. Yes, yet another nick name. I've grown some decency to not write about some other people on my blog with their names on it. I know Christian names are common but at times, you can tell who's who, like I only hang around with one "Aarti" and if I write "Aarti", then you'll sure know it's her. No, Aria is NOT Aarti. Aria and I met last year and we clicked instantly and I've learnt to love her so much. But then, I started seeing some flaws in her. Her fake personality and how she treated others in front of me. I guess I didn't like that cos I was one myself. I can be fake if I REALLY wanted to be. I grew more distant from her and I even kinda disliked her for a while cos she found new friends and didn't give a shit about me. But then, I realized.. I was jealous.... I think if I should be angry with her, Dicky should be angry with me too cos I never gave him time but just appeared at random times. So, when Aria came back into my life once again, I felt this unintentional content sense of pleasure. The reminiscing type of good feeling was in me outta nowhere. Long story short, I was happy she and I are in touch again and that happniess is large enough to make me forget any bad feelings I had on her last few weeks ago.

And speaking of which, I spoke to Wind today. He's going through a rough patch with his partner. It's a bit too personal to talk about his issues here but I wish him the best and the talk so far has been one of our closest. I disliked Wind for a while two months ago... I was ashamed to find out it was cos I have a crush on him still. but like I said, if I like someone, won't it be better to let go and just be there for them. I mean, Wind and I are good friends after all.. SO yeah, I wanna be there for him this time... cos I know he'll need me.. his true gay friend, me.

Rain on my Parade

Sweat fills my skin of hunger
Heat rolls within this summer
As I see those walking past,
I wish

you'd rain on my parade
wash away this pure infection
I'm easy, fooled with fate
until my thunder wakes me up from it all

Some says I lead a good life
Some says don't slide from my pride
But tomorrow's just the same
I wish

I know I've found the one
but cuirous of what you could be
to me, it's right to disagree
but somehow i just want to run away with you and slowly feel it

To be honest, I don't really know what caused me to write this song but I've been thinking of the term 'rain on my parade'. People always complain when someone rains on their parade. It's like a good thing gone bad at the worst part of timing. But people also fails to notice how the rain washes down all the dirty sins you have in you and refresh you to start anew. So, I sometimes wish I make a mistake to be able to learn to be nice and new again. So, at times, instead of just watching my parade go by, I wish for a mistake just so that I could move on to a better parade.... but then, I think the message here is "Don't be let down if it rains on your parade... let the rain heals you to a new you"

here we go again

A's on a roll tonight...

A : I should so report you to the comittee for fag related wastes of oxygen.

Diamonds are forever?

You know.. some people you just love to love and hate to hate... my gay brother or whatever that you should call him... all I know is he cares about me and I do love him for that.. well this is what he said to me today and all I can do was smile to myself and hate what he said at the same time but deep inside, i'm squealing... lol

A: my darling boy, you have so much potential, but polishing you is like cutting a diamond.... you scream everytime i place you in the saw.

Fitting Into Society

Four hours of work, which involves thirty minutes of bus trips from my place to work and one hour of getting prepared and some extra token twenty minutes of waiting for the bus, is just a bit ridiculous. But, my manager did warn me, before he went to Malaysia for his yearly 'back home' trip, that I would have crappy shifts like these. I just went 'meh that's cool'. But, of course I'm thinking 'why would you want someone to work for only four hours?'.

I thought I was early for work until I saw Pommy. For Jayjays, we're given these security guards to take the money to the bank and if there are any changes to be made and exchanged from the bank, they would come back. Now, Pommy and I met last week I guess. I thought he was a total impatient bastard who doesn't like it when we need changes to be made since he would have to make round trips to and fro from the shop to the bank and back from the bank to our shop then. And I would always feel bad when we need cash changes.

So, there he was, looking so masculine and hot as usual, just enough for me to totally cling onto him like a koala bear but only just not from the back but from the front. He's got this tattoo on his left arm that says 'COREY' and I used to think his name was corey but I checked the security file and there was no Coreys. So, I ended up calling him Pommy.

Today, since both of us were a bit early and locked inside the shop while he was doing the bank money and I was getting ready for the till, he was trying on some of our shorts. He said he would use the changing room but I saw no sign of any of it opened when he was done. So, I gathered he must've tried the shorts OUTSIDE the changing room and not inside. Damn it,... and there I was being all busy with preparing to open the shop. We talked a bit about the weather. I love weather like this.. always gives a way to start a conversation to whinge about the heat (in summer) or the freezing cold (in winter). Turns out he likes winter as much as I do too and I was like 'that's weird.. most people here loves the sun, especially white people as yourself'. Now, this was when he proudly acclaimed that he was a pommy. He said it in such a way that it reminds me of a five year old kid telling his dad that he can spell the word 'umbrella' while everyone's having their breakfast on their dining table. "DAD, I CAN SPELL UMBRELLA.." and of course for once, I saw Pommy smile. It was kinda cute. It's cute when masculin guys smile... I think it totally cracks the shell. I figured that when someone's acting too masculine or tough, they have this invisible shell over their faces, to hide any emotions that they might possess deep inside or just too dumb to actually become friendly with their self emotions. So, there he was, proud that he cracked a Pommy joke and much more prouder that he paid himself off. It was cute. He also seemed happy cos I didn't have any changes run for him. Swoon.. who am I kidding? I do dig straight men... just before they assure me that they like vaginas.... *sigh*

Work wasn't that bad to be honest since Kirsty left five boxes of stocks to be done. The shop was terribly quiet. It was so quiet that I became desperate to serve almost anyone and I accidentally served the sunnies lady. The sunnies lady comes everytime a new season is out to fix the sunglasses on display. What's hipper is more at the top shelves and as it goes down, it's supposedly more last year. That was my assumptions anyways.

As usual, Jayjays and its customer never stops me from being bored. Hot guys, hot asian chicks, confused asian women, loud men, weird looking try hard kids and so and so. Dave C, a friend of mine from CSE, came in with his friend, T. Supposedly, he was fab fiving T. Now, I find that quite amusing. I know Dave C is loud and can be a bit of a try hard at times, but to me, he seems like any other extroverted geek. Too clever to stop himself from giving too much information, yet too sociable to stop himself from staying in a room with the latest edition of WOW. I actually like his company since he does impose the image of a kind friend to me. And normally I do ask help from him. He's somewhat someone who I would trust to change me from what I am into a geek. He's not afraid to talk to me and that's a huge impression one could make especially if they're from CSE.

So, fabfiving T wasn't bad. It helps that T has a cute boyish face. I mean, if someone's uber ugly or just not attractive, it kills to see them indulging themselves and feeling somewhat confident in their own little world of yesterday leftover chips and oil stained game consoles. Sleepless nights in front of the computer checking out which version of Norton Antivirus actually has a virus in them and all that crap. But, if one has a potential to blend into society, Hein would only encourage it. I showed T some shirts he could use. I actually wanted him to wear a pink shirt but Dave C reckoned it was too loud, which I kinda agreed, given this guy is JUST coming outta his geek closet. It was kinda strange cos when he came outta the change room, he actually looks cute and I was right. He does have a potential to make a change over and kinda blend himself to society.

I know in society, majority rules. However, no one actually has the time to hate you unless you put yourself in that spot. I am gay and of course it's so easy for people to judge me and the fact that being gay is one of the minorities, I find it almost suffocating to act normal in society. But, as I've noticed, no one gives a shit. It's only when you show them your insecurities, they would not mingle much with you, only because they're not sure how much you can take and how much of endurance you can last as one of them. This goes out to nerds and geeks. I believe all of them stand a chance to blend into society as ONE OF the manys and not one of themselves. In fact, I don't really believe in stereotypes. There is no such thing as a geek or a nerd. I mean, John can just be a boy who knows a lot about computers. That doesn't mean he has to stop himself from trying to have friends outside his little basement. I mean, friends with different backgrounds is always amusing. I love it how people are different...

Now, the trick here is, if only nerds and geeks could see this and try to fit in as much as they can instead of kicking themselves into a corner when the real world out there don't even give a shit about who they are.. let alone, bringing them down....

of course, given, they cannot be socially awkward...

Music: Zed - She Glows

RANT OF THE DAY

Who would have thought that their lives are somewhat dependent on technology? My life, without a good internet connection for two days, had been HELL. But thanx to keeping myself busy, it wasn't that bad of a deal. I've just been doing lots of Med Revue and O Week revue stuffs... and today I had the best time with the med revue execs and sarina despite the fact that our script meeting was a bit of a failure. But then again, we were all there so it was a bit of a semi exec meeting plus Sarina; well, we never minded her being there. In fact, she can be so much of a contribution at times. I mean, as an ex producer... we do learn a lot of stuffs from her.

Now, there was something I forgot to mention which happened on Australia Day. Just on our way outta the park in Wollongong, I was holding the guitar and on the grass were two little girls, probably around the age of six or seven. Now it's so cute when kids are so ignorant of being conservative or scared... and the convo goes like

Kid: Do you know how to play guitar?
me: yep.
Kid: Can you play a song for us?
me: sure, what song?
Kid: Baa baa black sheep...

SO, there I was, 27 years of age, singing baa baa black sheep with a red guitar in a park in Wollongong in front of two six years old girls. Now, that to me, was impressive. They were actually REALLY listening. I just felt way better than performing on stage and I just have any assuring feelings that I do love kids. I didn't think this was gonna be in pics but good old Sabeena was actually taking a pic of this from far away and I managed to snatch it outta facebook.

Now, back to other stuffs that makes me sigh. First of all, it's my flatmate once again. The annoying one.. not the chilled back relax chick. Now that T's back, Ryan would have to move out but thanx to T's outstanding lack of plan managing (which is not a surprise at all), Ryan's still here and T's just hoboing around my room or Mickey's room. Now, I don't mind helping out but this is just plain stupidity and I do mind having her sleep in my room since she can be a bit of a nuisance at times. She just randomly comes in and uses my pc or just goes in my room randomly and all that. And it's just annoying. I'd be playing guitar in my room and singing and there she'd be lying next to me singing TUNES.. and not even lyrics... Well, what happened today was.. Ryan wanted to stay one week more... which, to me, is totally cool since he did say he wouldn't mind sleeping on the futon and I've been getting closer with Ryan and I kinda like him WAY MORE than T. Now, the deal here is, I asked Mickey and she was fine and I'm fine with him staying but when I asked T, she was a bit hesitant. Now, let's see.. she was the one who brought this boy into our house.. which I'm totally cool with.. in fact, like I said, I would prefer him than her cos he doesn't come into my room without knocking, use my pc without telling me nor try to talk to me ALL THE TIME. So, I'm guessing T is fully responsible for his entry. Now, he's asking to stay longer which both M and I agreed.. What is there to not agree with for T? She even chucked a 'why didn't he tell me' at me. This is the second time. Last time, Dicky (my best friend) told me stuffs and she was wondering why he didn't tell her. The fact is, the whole world does NOT revolve around you, T... get with the program and find yourself your own friends. Now, I don't mind if anyone's a friend of my friends.. but being a friend of my friends and paying me out in front of them is stupid.. telling me what's right or wrong regarding my relationship with my friends is also stupid... like

1. How I should have visited Lilian or Dicky.
2. How Jen, Ali and all are a bit immature and won't leave me be.
3. How my ex Simon is a bitch.

Seriously, none of these are her business. It's true that she CAN be right sometimes but then, as best friends go, I'll fight with Dicky or Ali or Jen whenevr I want to and she has NO RIGHTS to comment on that. I did have some issues on hanging out with Jen and Ali and the gang last few years ago, when we were all like 'we don't hang out much anymore' but we solved that.. THROUGH OURSELVES!!!! We did NOT need her opinion... I'm just SO HAPPY I'm moving out... I'm really sick of T, as you all can tell.

On another note, I was talking to Kirsty today and I've finally noticed that I am getting a bit too cynic about men in general. I feel like I have no need to find me a man though getting one would be nice. I have run out of patience and hopes of finding a man at this stage. I think my time will come soon but seriously, of all the guys I've met and I've been talking to, none of them impresses me much. I'm not being picky but calling someone my 'boyfriend' is a huge deal for me so I rather have someone I truly like on a mutual scale. And on the other hand, I think, some Australian men should just learn to accept the word 'endeavour'. I've noticed that most men here are just so spoilt with the way women treat them. I am not doing the whole 'women are right' shit. But seriously, this is what I've noticed.

1. Men goes for the prize but as soon as they get them, they lose interest. Now, it's not true in Australia from what I've noticed. Men trying to get into a relationship here, is like a fat kid trying to pick up a food off the floor, not getting up from the chair he's been sitting on for ages. Men, here, DO NOT TRY.

2. Men are such whingers, even when compared to women here. God... wah wah wah.. wah wah wah... boo hoo.. that's all I hear. And later you get this 'I am STRONG' speech which is wasted in seconds with the whole 'my friends are there for me to numb the pain by feeding me alcohol'.. now... what's the point.. if you think you're THAT smart, whey hurt a woman in the first place.

3. You have no idea how much I've tried. This makes me laugh since I believe that Australia is a very laid back country and a peaceful civilized 'good to stay in' country. So, if some men brings up any of their pasts, some of them are just deaths from a close relatives or just plain stupidity like 'I tried to kill myself when I was in high school'. GOD!!!

Of course, as you all know, my blog does not represent ALL individuals as stated and I AM SO SURE there are good men out there but from what I've seen, guys here don't do much for me. They represent the 'bros before hos' culture. They wear 'promiscuity' on their sleeves instead of their hearts. They get lonelier than a woman whose husband's in a war.

Now, I know I've been paying out straight men (since I did say women) in the previous paragraphs but let's see gay men.. Given the facts above happen in a different gender relationship, imagine two of a kind. That's when shit happens.. when two males meet. So, this is what a gay man ritual is.

1. Always likes to look at life with such words as 'down to earth', 'wine and dine', 'straight acting', 'sense of humor' and bullcrap. But do they mean it? Go to manhunt and I swear eighty percent of the profiles are looking for the same (in letters and words) but in all honesty, they're just looking for warmth from anyone until they find the one they truly like.

2. Sex is like breathing. NO matter how old you are.. how ugly you are.. how fat you are.. YOU ALWAYS GET SEX FROM GAY SITES.. Why? Cos, it's a release. It's not an act of passionate desire of two bodies invading each other. There are sixty percent of men no those sites who don't kiss while having sex and who don't believe in foreplay.

3. Culture Shock. Now, Mardi Gras has always been a huge symbolic culture signal for us gay men. We're damn proud and yes we represent. I went to one last two years ago and if you ask me, it's a hell pit of muslce trimmed or waxed clones without their tops on who are mostly on chemicals. Or just some sexually derived atmosphere driven by no care of whatsoever who or what you're doing or finding. And with that, we still ask for child adoption.. GIMME A BREAK, guys!!!!!

4. The 'race' theory. Now, when I was in Burma, I have a friend who said he doesn't like black people. I got SOOO MAD with him.. I was like 'why would you say such things? I have lots of black friends and I shouldn't even call them black.. cos how would I like it if someone calls me brownie' But the thing is... he's got one point right.. SOME (and dare I say SOME cos I'm sure there are really goood people out there regardless of their skin colors).. some people lives in the past.. they hold grudges.. history has shaped them to be what they are at the moment and they put themselves away from the so called enemies of the past. This also goes for some asians who are racist against marriage with white people. Give me a fucken break.. we're all intestines and organs if you cut us open. So, before you say people discriminate you, ask yourself if you're actually being open minded and not that conservative about yourself around them. WHen in Rome, do what the Romans do.. This goes out to all asians who try to be SO FUCKEN rude to me in Jayjays.. I know you can do that in Asia (I am an asian as well and I know that fact for sure) but seriously you are NOT IN ASIA. so suck it up!!.. My point is.. if you go around shouting how gay you are and how you keep saying how some people treat you like shit, you are giving out bad vibes. Just cos one straight guy thinks you're a nut case doesn't mean another straight guy's gonna think the same.. Yes, we get laughed at sometimes.. so do women too... so do some men even.. some even get punched...

5. Last thing... I do not like the usage of the word 'gay'. I'm sure I've mentioned it before. I use it only cos I wanna adapt to society and I do accept the majority usage of such terms around me and would blend in and accept myself using it. Deep inside, my opinion states that the word 'gay' just categorizes us into this small little group and at times we lose our individuality... take this for example

"Hey, I have a gay friend.. He's hein.. he's so funny"
"O really? OMG that means he must be fashionable, hot and cool"

now, check this out

"Hey, I have a friend called Hein.. he's so funny"
"really? that's pretty cool... You should let us meet him one day"

I'd love to be known as Hein, the hein guy and not Hein, the gay guy. Yes, I have 'gay' traits. I do like Britney Spears. I can sing high pitched. I love theatrical arts. I love colors. I love men. But can't a person have their own preferences?

Think about it....

Australian Day

Five years ago, I came here and got to know some really cool friends, apart from Dicky. Those who had become my best friends. like Ali, Alex, Jen, Zhe, Danny, Sara and Dave L. We kinda lost our tracks according to our busy schedules.

Now, today.. I spent my aussie day the best way I could think of. I spent it with my important friends who has made me happy whilst staying here. Those that matters a lot to me. I was out in Wollongong with Zhe, Sara, Anjali and the crew. Wollongong is like an hour drive away from the Sydney city. We had a barbeque pit and we played volleyball. Some random guy named Stan joined us.

And after that I went for a coffee with my 'most aussie' mate, Nick D. :D
Now I"m just happy about today...
I don't really have things to write much.. just happy :D:D

You Start the War, I End It

The golden rule to being Hein's friend is to NEVER poke at his weakness and unfortunately, someone's been itching to do that and did succeed but not for very long. Let's see... I did warn everyone that they will get what they give to me so theoretically I was just giving him back what he gave me. What did he give me? SHIT!!!!

So, Aaron came to Jayjays and I said hi to him and all that. And I was talking to Kirsty and Zoey about a customer and yes we were bitching but we weren't saying ANYTHING about Aaron. In fact, I find that topic quite repetitively boring. I mean, a gay drama boy who hasn't got no clue how to deal with his esteem? That was me three years ago and if he doesn't want any help from you, he doesn't intrigue me in any fashion whatsoever. So, I would not have wasted my time telling Zoey and Kirsty anything bad about Aaron and to be brutally honest, I have no emotions for him.

And, he came to us and told me how some of our Jayjays stuffs are replicas of Cotton On since he works in Cotton On. Now, that made me wanna laugh.. cos
1. None of us cared.
2. None of us even have any clue what to say back cos it was plain stupid.
3. Kisty and Zoey didn't even know who he was since I haven't even told them that he's my friend or just someone I know.

While I was working that evening, he messaged me going 'So, did you have fun bitching about me?'. And I was like 'huh?' cos as soon as he left. Kirsty was angry but I told her not to waste her time about it. The ONLY bad thing I ever said about him was the fact that it's a waste of time to talk back to him about how good Jayjays or Cotton on is. The fact is no one copies nothing. We both rip off other brands. DUH!

So, then he went on accusing me (since that's what he's so good at) of how I was actually bitching about him. Now, what is he? The next world's greatest psychic? Now, I HATE being accused. Then, he went on about how he thought I was a great guy and now that I'm not. Well, that did it! I got steamed cos he knows how self conscious I could get.

So, I thought for a while if I should write something back.
I thought I should since he's wasted two minutes of my life aggravating over his low standard game plan. So, I told him "I'm sorry if you liked me cos I couldn't have liked you more than a friend since my bf won't be happy about it". Now, I know how much he fancies me and I know that will kill..

So take that, Aaron!!!
You're nothing but a sophomore shoelicker in the 'bitch' department..

and if you ever think I lied to you... about having a boyfriend.. think again
I did NOT write boyfriend..

I wrote BF which can also mean BEST FRIEND!!!

Take that, amateur...

Music: Janet Jackson - Runaway

Mood: annoyed

The Bus Tales #1 : The Eye Game

Reading can be sexy, especially for me since I don't read much. So, whenever I see a guy reading a book, it's like hmm he's intelligent, especially if he looks like the type who don't really read books. That is not my intention but I was reading a book on a bus back from work last night and I think a book tells a lot about a person. My book was about a london call girl so it says in pink glitter fonts "THE STORY OF A LONDON CALL GIRL".. or was it the diary? But, for some reason three guys sat around me in the bus.

Now, it's not like the seats around me were the ONLY options and they could've just sat anywhere and for once I was kinda not scared to make eye contact with them. I looked at them and we gave each other the 'look'. There was this crosseyed cutie who was sitting next to me, a blond at the back and an exotic italian in front of me. Now, the crosseye kept looking at me.. but then again, it can also be his crosseyedness.

Halfway through the trip, I got bored and I got rid of my ipod cos I felt a bit antisocial and I started to stop reading as well. I'm not sure but at times, people do chuck convos on buses in Australia but three of them were such pansies. So, after this, I now took my phone and started talking just to indicate that despite the fact that I do not look local, I can speak english. Now that didn't work either. I got tired of trying and bored so I looked around and at the front of the bus was Mikey square. (Ok, he's like a bro figure friend to me and his bf's also called Mikey just like his name)

So, he waved andI waved back and the exotic did a half wave apparently which I didn't see but Mikey called me on the phone to tell me that and we were laughing. It was great fun. The blond left while this was happening and later, Mr crosseye left. But the most interesting thing was the fact that he was looking at me from outside as he walked. I didn't miss out either. I stared at him like an asian's first trip to Australia. He lives only one stop away from my bus stop. What are the odds of not finding him on gaydar or manhunt unless he IS straight and was just crosseyed to have me thinking he was looking at me... *le sigh*

When I got off, Mikey square got off too and we were laughing and talking and he mentioned that it was the exotic italian dude who chucked a half wave and I looked back at the bus and he was looking at us as well and I chucked a 'I am smiling but not obvious enough to make you think I'm smiling at you' face. He chucked back a 'Oh my god , they're looking at me.. must be my half wave' face. Then I looked away..

Didn't get any boys off the bus. could've been a funnier story if I did but ah well, the eye game seems fun enough and I end up talking to Mikey square anyways, who are both always good to bump into...

Music: Clea - We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off

Mood: HOT(weatherwise)

Hot Friday

This has been one of the best decisions I've made so far. To come back home to nap for an hour. I just finished working at Jayjays for five hours and now I'm about to head to basment for another five hours of work. This would be ok on an ordinary day but on a day like today, you wish you're not outside , not only your room, but even a refrigerator.

I've been so ignorant of people around me for a while now. So, I might play this little game I've always love playing this time around on a bus. Which is, to put my headphones on and the ipod off. It's interesting to hear what the people are talking beside me, be it about me or not.. good chances of good scripts for med revue actually.

Please Read Into This

Ok, just so you know I had the weirdest dream followed by a phone message I should worry a bit.

In Reality:
My grandparents and uncle and mom still don't know I'm gay.
My sister does.
I am currently actively dating an HIV positive man.
My uncle's back home, paralyzed and can't walk.. It's been 20 years now I think.
I currently graduated.

In the Dream:
So. it started with a ceremony. I think it was my graduation. Now, normally I shouldn't know this much about my dream but my dream was somewhere in july or august. And we were going to this ceremony. We were on the train and my grannies and uncle went into a room on the train and locked themselves in it. Mom, sis and I wondered what was wrong. We couldn't go in. Then, when they finally came out, we were on our way to a movie, part of the whole celebratory ceremonial plan. We kinda tried to ask people around what the whole deal about grannies in the room with uncle thing was. Then, my granddad announced that we shall continue this meeting later. However, I heard from some people that my uncle was gonna die soon and had limited time. So, we watched the movie about this guy called Michael who died of HIV in real life(in my dream); so it was a bit of a non-fictional movie. He died during January, February era of that same year. So, after the movie, we went back to this ceremonial hall and took pics. ANYONE WHO'S ANYONE I KNOW was there. We took pics and during the way back to the ceremony before this pic taking moment, we were on a train with my mom and sis and some friends of mine, who brought up this thing about me being gay. Mom, subtly, didn't mind. She made a joke and said something along the line of 'there's nothing she could do and at least it's better than *made something really bad comparisons*". We hugged and I was happy. Now, the ceremony ended. And my grannies, mom, sis and two friends were in a car. One of my friends, HYH(not writing real name), insisted on me walking her back to her place, instead of dropping her exactly there since the other guy we had to send was a bit outta the way and the car could pick me up from her place later. Then, on the road, we saw this truck carrying logs and the logs were down and the car seems smashed and the driver was out of his seat and kinda fainted on his seat. My grannies asked my mom to go check it out. Then, while we drove on, after my grannies insisted we sent HYH back to her apartment, my grandad made a joke about someone coming out in our house. (now, in reality, we have A LOT OF people in my house in burma, like my uncle's nurse, servants and chauffeurs). People were laughing and my grannies were happily making jokes at random people from the house coming out. I joined in the joke conversation and my grandad shut me up. Then, something in my head told me that my mom was gonna die, killed or raped by the truck driver who wasn't actually dead and that it was a plan for my grannies to kill her cos she was fine with me being gay.

Now, that's what I woke up and checked my phone for time and there it was, Stevie's message saying 'Men are idiots".

Now, I don't know how to analyze this dream but for SOME intuitive reasons, I won't see this dream as something good.... hmm

THINGS TO REMEMBER *NOT A BLOG*

Daily Eatage Plan
--------------------

Breakfast: Wheat Bix w/ milk
Lunch: Coles Chicken
Snack: Fruits / Carrots
Dinner: Tuna

Sydney Dance Company Move (Bottlepop - Pussycatdolls)
----------------------------------------------------------------

back three steps
turn
right fist elbow bent, left arm protruded straight side
left leg up side
left leg down
right left right spin
jump with left leg up and both hands up
hands down to the right side
right thump hands down (my favorite part)
left thump hands down
right hand out
left hand out
collect
bend elbow right
bend elbow left
spin jump three times to the right one round
left foot to the left hand straight
spin to the right with left hand elbow sticking out to the left
wait for a while jump
turn
head half spin
head pop
reach for air (billy elliott move)
squat down
wait
butt up and quickly down
wait two and a half moves
go back 1 2 3and SNAP

I know I'll surely forget this one day
but it's worth the effort of writing the moves down :D

On A Brighter Note

The funny thing was when I saw Lincoln pashing a guy at Stonewall, I laughed and I went to shift with Dion and Stevie. Turned out that the guy Lincoln was pashing had dated Stevie's friend, Stuart before. So, we'll call him Stuart's ex. So, at shift, I was dragged on stage by a drag queen and we were asked to play game where we have to guess the lyrics of Kylie's songs. And guess who my game partner was... Stuart's ex... lol isn't it funny to have the guy who pashed the dude you're supposedly dating as your game partner? For the second round I have to place a violet crumple chocolate bar on my croch in an erected position and Stuart's ex had to suck the chocolate off but he bit it off instead but while he was on his mission trying to suck it off, all I could do was laugh inside and go 'take that you cocksucker'.

About lincoln, it's really funny. I'm not hurt at all. I'm not even sad that this happened. DO I actually like him. Well, I do feel a bit ashamed. It's just so much for a man to lose his ego in one night cos of a bottle of wine and endless rounds of beer. But, it got me thinking, have I gone real immune to these love games? Call me an attention whore, call me a player.. but getting hurt is kinda beyond my reach at this point..

What has become of me...

My Next Mission : Alcohol

Now that I've mastered the art of quitting smoking and since I've been doing a pretty good job at it, I have to master taking in charge of alcohol. This was my second time being uncontrollably drunk. I was chased again by the security guard last night cos I was pretty drunk. I'm glad Dion was there to take care of me but I remember spilling beer more than once. The worst thing was when I tried to find Lincoln, cos I bumped into him at Stonewall, after me and Dion parted. I just read the messages I sent him last night and half of them didn't make sense. One of them said "Where are you I need your kiss" or something along that line, which was pretty shameful for my liking.

I ended up catching him at the cross, took him home, slept with him til.. I did not know what happened but we got into a fight and I ended up leaving his place. I remember him shouting things like "I'm not ready bla bla bla". Have I asked him out? Have I asked him for a relationship? Who knows.... but the fine thin line between our friendship is kinda sore at the moment and I don't really know how but all I can blame on, on a very cheap excuse, is alcohol....

When would thou stop causing trouble?

Music: Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

Mood: hangover

Thought

I go to places I don't like to remind myself how much I don't like those places

Walk the Walk

In a world full of differences, if you ask yourself, everyone has a similarity.. passion. I believe everyone are affectionate and has this soft spot within themselves. It's just how it's summoned outta someone. In order to do that, you need patience. Now, look at it this way. You walk into a non familiar scene, where people check you out and unless you're one of them, they won't be really happy with you and won't warm up to you. Now, if you exert too much of your individuality, that would either totally impress them or offend them. The probability of offending them is much higher and the risk of not impressing them is pretty high as well. So, you need to blend in.

After observing the people around me or so called gay guys in Sydney, I find that they actually are passionate about something that's more than temporary fling. However, it takes them so much to talk the talk and not walk the walk. I was talking to Owen of this plan I'm following and he asked me if I could walk the walk after I talk the talk. I told him everyone has to start from somewhere. Some babies just stand up after years of not even crawling. Yes, it's baby luck!!! But that's one in a thirty or hundred even more likely. So, I rather be crawling than to stand up straight to walk.

Ladies and gents, I AM crawling at the moment. I am learning as I crawl. What am I actually doing?

Now, I have to admit lincoln made a huge impact on me. It's been two days I have him on my mind. Chris, who stood me up last night, is actually coming over tonight. He was broke and he ran outta credits. Fair chance! I'd love to be believed when I give an excuse so I'll spare him my trust for this.

Not to sound too dramatic. but it's true. I've been crying during the nights cos in the days, it makes me stronger. I've been non-reluctantly trying to blend into what most gay guys do. That is, to NOT settle down. I wanna gain someone's trust by being them first. I've been doing things wrong all along. Most of the time, it's just me me me me. It's just what I want and lure them into my world. Now, for once I'm gonna enter their world and slowly show them mine.

At the moment, I have Lincoln, who I heavily feel blessed to get to know and I have Chris, who's coming over who thinks I'm nice and hot and would love to get to know me. And I got Paul, who I've been chatting to. Now, three's a good number I can handle. I'm gonna play lazy susan on them now as I neutralize myself around them, setting my mind to a non-hopeful status. All I've shown Lincoln is that I love fun.. cos that's honesty. I love fun and so does he. He just got here from Adeleide and he deserves to have a bit of a blast. If he finds anyone whilst doing that, it's easy.. we're just not meant to be. I've told Chris not to expect anything since I have the tendency to flirt and I told him that I don't rush into things but also I'm not hesitant to have fun.

The reason I cry is cos that's not the real me. The real me is being simple and straight to the point and telling Lincoln that I would love to try to settle things down between us which would of course result either ok or not. And the real me is not dating Chris at the same time while I'm dating Lincoln. The real me is not flirting with Paul while I got both of them.

But the reason I wake up happy is cos everytime I cry, it shows that I've traded a chunk of my persona for a chunk of a welcome mat that I should be comfortably on by the time I wanna choose my man...

As they all say, don't hate the player.... hate the game, people.. hate the game...

Music: Jimmy Eats World - Sweetness

Mood: brave

Hein, the dating type?

If there's anything worse than a non productive day, it is being stood up. No, I DO NOT have a problem with it. Wait.. In fact, I DO.... especially when they don't contact you to raincheck or just a little apology. I'm not the type to assume the worst when one don't show up but what Chris did to me today just gets on my nerves. I knew it was an usure 50 50 thing for him to come to Sydney tonight from Woolongong and he was gonna call me by 4pm to make sure. But he didn't.

I'm not really ashamed to admit that I've been stood up. I think it's a normal thing. Another thing is the fact that I feel a bit bad about it as well since I am currently in a heavy flirt moment with Lincoln and if Chris had showed up tonight, yet another thing might have happened.

And speaking of flirts, I find it quite irresistible to flirt with this guy 'Paul' who I picked up from "are you interested". At first, I thought that thing was just run by some bots and some "o watch me on my cam i'm 14" shit. But I guess you DO find interesting people there. He pressed 'likes me' on my pic and I did the same, which kinda made us a 'match' on it and he added me on his msn. It's quite interesting to talk to him actually.. He's from some redneck area that starts with a "T" and had a abit of "tam" in the name... kinda reminds me of that cute little girl from my uni, TamBui.. so for now, let's call the redneck location, "TAMBUI"..

Am I on a role?
I don't really think so. I'm just living life.. like anyone really..

Music: Boyzone - Better

Mood: dated

Three Hours with Linc... and Nutella

Three hours with Lincoln for our first ever nutella date. He was broke and I didn't wanna spend much and be all 'look at me I can afford shit'. So we decided to go to Hyde Park and just have nutella. After around two hours, push came to shove and yes I did have my first kiss with him. It was pretty hot kissing him since he smoked before we did. I think I have a little obsession with kissing smokers now. I've quit smoking but now I think I'll be addicted to kissing smokers.

Before all of this, I went and FINALLY met Gianni, whose name apparently is actually pronounced like Yanni, the music composer. I asked him how he was going with his boy or man. You see... me and Gianni have been flirting each other a bit though he's from Greece and one day outta the blue, he told me not to expect anything since he's found this Greek guy in Sydney who'll have him over and bla bla bla.. Well, this was my reaction..

1. First of all, I didn't expect anything especially when chatting to someone who's in Greece.
2. It pisses me off since his tone was kinda like "i'm sorry this greek man's better".
3. I piss myself off since I thought I shouldn't be pissed off over this at all...

So, I was kinda semi glad when he told me he wasn't working well with this Greek man and that the Greek man doesn't know about him meeting me today or else he'll get jealous. I told him it's not as if I was gonna jump on him or anything and I told him to not to tell his Greek man since I don't really want trouble out of nothing wrong I did.. but deep inside, I was kinda glad they didn't work out. But, do I want Gianni at the moment? Nope. He's had his chances.... it's gone.. but still, we're friends.. so it's not all bad

Now, back to my nutella date, I don't know.. I felt so comfortable with this thing we did in the park. It's not everyday that someone wants to get cozy in a park. We were just two boys, wrestling on the ground and making out in the middle of our nutella fest. I like the fact that I didn't really expect anything from this but at the same time, I was just content with it. Deep inside, I actually want him to want me and miss me.... and by that, I mean I want him to roam around Sydney and finally find out if he really likes me. I'm glad we're not expecting anything from this kiss but at the same time, the moment was just indescribable. I think it was putting my new attitude to the test. Lately, I've been feeling like I can DO without being owned by someone and just being appreciated by someone. To the point where if he finds someone new apart from me, it'll just mean that we're not meant for each other and he'll miss out on me but then again, he'll be happy with the other guy. I don't know.. I'm so not hoping anything for a change.. which is weird. Normally, I'd be so addicted right now messaging him and stuff. But I"m just glad I'm back in my little room of heinness and the new Gossip Girl episode's gonna be out tonight anyways. So, yeah... nothing can make me sad at this point... If I see him again, it'll be bonus.. If I don't, I'll still have nutella and watch Gossip Girl.. If he wants something outta it, we'll have to compromise...

cos come to think of it.. do I really need a relationship? :D

FYI, the inset pic is of me and gianni.. I don't feel like scaring Linc yet with my camera habit.

Music: Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy

Mood: nutellaed

Yes Hein

On a scale of one to ten, how much can a guy say 'Yes'? I watched 'Yes Man' and all I could think of was 'holy mother, if I said yes to a lot of shit in my everday life, I'd be...

1. have sexual tranferring disease.
2. FUCKING broke.. not that I'm not at the moment.
3. a bisexual.
4. impregnating some whores.
5. going to Luna Park with Sarina as she is asking me now from the other end of gtalk....

Well, I liked the concept of the movie since I could see myself as a bore sometimes. I missed out on a lot of things like I never hang out with the La Mancha cast members. They are nice people after all. I just didn't even try enough to blend in. So, I have managed to find a way to save money and have fun at the same time. And at the same time, it can save my liver and I can finally pay off the debt I owe to Vinnie (yes, I remember!!). So, why don't I chuck an Anu. My friend, Any, goes to a lot of places but he rarely drinks... only cos he's not really into drinks and he's an easy drunk. On the other hand, I'm a difficult drunk but at the same time, I'd love to remember my nights hang outs and I don't really want a beer belly at the moment, especially when I've paid two hundred bucks for three months at unigym. I went to Yes Man with Silvio today by the way. English being his secondary language, I made friends with him cos he's pretty good looking but later I learnt that he's a dickhead just like me. That makes us stay in touch more and I can't really care much about getting to bed with him. It'll be a bonus but I'm happy cos he's a good company... though a bit quiet at times and he chuckles at everything I say... regardless of whether he got my lame jokes or not.. but it makes me feel awesome.

So, I was thinking... after watching Yes Man... should I go out tomorrow? I got invos... and I'm still awaiting Lincoln to make his move. Well, I do NOT want to wait but I guess I DO wanna hang out with him. I'd hate to be so desperate for his next action, be it yes or no. The last time I heard from him was when he was drunk and was convincing me to come to his place, followed by a surprisingly good convo with his flatmates, Tori and Fiona. They seem pretty cool but when someone you'd love to get to know invites u over for a night at his place while he's drunk, Heiny rule book says NO!!! Yes, it'll be fun.. sex will be on and I'll enjoy it BUT after having such good online conversation with someone fantasizing about weird flavor combinations of ice cream at Cold Rocks and kinda making a stupid pinky promise about not drinking not more than one drink on our first date, I'd love to keep Lincoln as a 'wanna get to know' someone. But then again, he's been quiet since. I don't blame him. He just got here to Syd from Adeleide. So, it's about time he wanders like any gay guys would do in the city of promiscuousity++. Good luck with that, Linc.. I'll say yes to ur invite .. that is IF I'm still single... if not, ah well... we'll stick to good old fashioned 'friendship'.

Music: Garbage - #1 Crush

Mood: yessy

The Memoirs of a Try Hard

When I was around 12, when I first came back to Burma and I got into this school called "Diplomatic School", I made some friends.. and by some I mean a few. It's amazing to see how some friends have matured, have kids, have some careers and have some good lives... BUT and by but i mean a huge ass BUT, some still remains in the pool of 'immaturity'(if that's a word at all)...

I got a message on friendster and normally I don't really check my friendster but since Woogie passed away, I've been kinda checking it once in a while. The message was from one of my classmates.... well, to be honest, he used to be my close friend in grade five and he WAS the only friend who was nice to me back then... maybe that's why I let him be. He is such a try hard still and reading his profile and messages made me sad.

"Hey , I am *name not mentioned*(Dip School) ,U seems so great doing thangs !! I am in singapore attending college .Send me your mail !!

*mail not mentioned*

keep in touch hommie"

Now, I cracked up when I first read it. Me doing thangs? OK, how many people out there use the word 'thangs' instead of things in this context. And HOMMIE.... it's homie.. Now, I appreciate how some people WANNA change themselves.. I mean, before you become a 'somebody', you reach this wannabe stage where you're starting to evolve from a nobody to at least something and the first few months, you're gonna suffer as a 'where am i heading towards' stage. Yes, I've been there and I think in fact, at the moment, I'm going through one...BUT... this guywise, I've known him for this long and he has ALWAYS been a try hard. Try-hards piss me off cos I believe in inner beauty within. I love it when a person's cozy and comfortable being themselves. I went through his pics and there was this pic of him with a peace sign standing in front of some dancefloor in a club. And the caption read something along the lines of 'checking out the club from the VIP row'... LIKE OMG SHUT THE HELL UP....

I know this should not bother me much but the fact that he's trying SO HARD for NO REASON,.... I mean, which part of my profile reads or shows that I'm this motown hip hop boy in da hood...... I once considered trying hip hop since it was a NEW THANG.. and everyone was into it... but after a week or two, I decided it wasn't for me... now, he HAS GOT TO realize that it's NOT FOR HIM... plus, he's older than me...

God... the agony

ON another NOTE, hanging out with Mickey I noticed is equal to gaining weight. She and I had been messing out and about and just eating anything in sight. We even ditched cinemas for gloria jeans tiramisu cake and some high calorie drinks.. This was hours after our gym routine.... go us... be it fat or healthy, we both can't give a fuck... and on another another note, Ness has also become one of my 'food' buddies.. it's not everyday u get a close friend calling u at midnight to go for Harry's Wheel hot dog thing..... well, Ness did and we ate like pigs that night and we were both craving for kebabs shop for some reason after our hot dog feast... hmm food.. *yum*

Music: Ash - Shining Light

Mood: tres annoyed

My *newfound* Vegetables Appreciation

I think I always go for vegetables. If I were stranded on an island with Jonas Brothers, despite the fact that I am totally not into their music, I think I'll end up choosing the vegetable of the group... Kevin.. He's the oldest and so far, in my opinion, the cutest. I notice that it's either Nick or Joe that girls go ga ga for, which is even healthier. Since not all chicks would go for my Kevin, the vegetable of the group. I don't really know why I like Kevin as well since he's got the low down quality. Curly hair, the face of a 'to be fat soon' kid and Russell Crowe look-a-like features. Those three stays low on my 'ideal' list but still I do find him cute and cheek-pinchable. I guess I also like the fact that he's never 'O look at me I am sooo cute' when Joe and Nick are always doing their little 'Yes I know girls are checking me out' look and giving out stupid answers in interviews like 'We wanna concentrate on music and we have never fallen in love before'. As a kid who grew up with those American teen magazines with pink and grey colored columns inside, that was so Aaron Carter in 1999, when he was still 9 years old or too Hanson for me.... I was kinda glad Hanson dudes got kids or else they'll always be in the 'lesbian' category with Clay Aiken... hmm...

This is not the first time things like this have happened to me.. I did like Anthony in the band "Blue" too. He rarely sings but there's just something so Michael Buble cute about him. Come to think of it, I DO like vegetables...

Blue: Anthony
Jonas Brothers: Kevin
Backstreet Boys: Kevin (the rarely singing but SO HOT u'd squeal)
Take That: Jason Orange (I've NEVER heard him sing at all)
Steps: Lee (the guy who rarely sing but always winks whenever the cam pans on him)
the lead singer of Adema (do we even know that band?)
the blond guitarist for Avril Lavigne
the blond guitarist for Alanis Morissette

Hmm.. even in movies and TV series, I always go for the ones who makes the background pretty or who just happens to love killing the hotties.

Heroes: Sylar (been a while since the villains look this hot)
Gossip Girl: Chuck (gotta love his definition of the word 'cunning')
Jake Gyllenhaal (in his Day After Tomorrow role when no one even gave a shit about the actors in the movie and just amazed at the visual effects)
Ryan Phillippe (in Studio 54.. I swear I have this movie taped twice in Burma)
Eddi Cibrian (some soap star slash B rated movie stars but so cute)

So, it got me thinking.. what does it say about my taste in men? Should my future boyfriend be worried or should any guys who is attracted by me be insecure about their looks?

I need answers, peeps!!!

Music: Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

Mood: bored

Just Thinkage

for every loss, there's a gain.. and for every gain, there's a loss... euphoric moments are when u can finally learn to ignore the bad things that comes with the good ones while depression occurs to those who chooses to not invite happiness into them

-Heiny

Retail Therapy

Airports.... they're synonymous to sardines. I've always wondered what it would feel like to be packed in a sardine box. I felt like that the whole time I was in the airport this morning. I was picking micky up and I had to wait 1 hour, partially also because I was 30 minutes early and that was also because the bus comes once every hour. For some reason, today was 'swarming Hein' day. Two guys were swarming around me in the airport. No, it wasn't a perve or an appreciation. I don't even think those guys were into men. For some stupid fucked up reason, they kept circling around me not giving me enough space. These two men were actually separate as well, one from his own crowd. For some reason, they love to shove behind me or in front of me. I swear if they come half an inch closer, our skin would touch. It'll be hot but not in an airport where there are MORE places for you to walk or slide as opposed to half an inch of offset circumference away from me. Waiting for Micky wasn't that boring actually since I finished 50 pages of a book at one go. It was some story written by a real call girl in London so it was quite enthralling to read a life about a hooker. It's somewhat more interesting and a lot fun than any 'normal' people's life. I kinda even like it better than Kath S's blog actually... not that she's boring or anything or not that she's a hooker or a call girl. Just that, this call girl actually has been through real shit and she makes fun of stuffs.

Micky's back finally and I love it. Well, as Micky and my tradition, we went to Eastgardens. After all the drama that passed me with Woogie's death and all that, I only know of one way to make myself feel better... shopping.. SO, I did NOT really shop since I do owe some people some money still BUT I did get myself two sets of glasses cos they were friggin cheap. One shot glasses set and one ice cream parfait tall glass set..... so, yeah, after I bought these for NO REASON, I felt shit load better... I do NOT blame sarah jessica parker now... retail therapy is by far the most effective for all mankind....

Music: Busted - Sleeping with the Light On

Mood: pleased

If I want Honesty, I'd have to Give It

yeah long time no write
i'm finally over with my shifts and all that.. so im' pretty happy about being able to rest
but i just got some horrible news about a friend of mine who passed away not long ago and i'm kinda traumatized as we speak
but i'l'l get better soon

yes i've been thinking about u too
the fact that i made a mistake by saying i was gonna change the way u look
don't let people tell u that by the way
they should just accept the beauty within u
even the fact that i responded to u kissing me.. it made me feel bad
cos i seriously think u're a VERY nice guy
and i am quite amazed by ur emails and i love them
i actually have never seen anyone who writes good mails like u did
n things just bounce off and on
but i gathered that i could do nothing more than friends with u
only cos, i'll be lying to myself and trying too hard
when i meet someone, i need to have that spark...
it wasn't there with u though i did enjoy the whole evening boozing with u in that irish pub
so yeah.. please don't think of this email as a ditch
i love it when guys are honest with me and i hate to keep waiting for what's actually happening
so i'm giving u the most honest thing
it's true.. we were only gonna get to know each other.. we haven't even talk of dates and all
but yeah.. i'm just telling u how i felt at the moment
cos i'd hate to lead u on
life is unpredictable and anything can happen
but it's also important that all of us try to enjoy our minutes as much as we can
so yeah, i'll see u sometime around when i'm not this busy...

but yeah, other than that, feel free to keep in touch


Heiny

i Can't Be Fucked Anymore.. a letter to one of my friends

first of all, i'm sorry i've been really bad at keeping in touch
to be honest with u, i ran away from u guys..
i was scared u guys would judge me cos i'm gay...
n i was scared the news would spread
now after wakapha's death, i finally realize that i should be in touch with all those friends i love as much as i can, man
i'm totally traumatized and i'm trying my best to accept the fact that he's gone.. i'm pretty sure it's hit u as much as it hit me too
please keep in touch... i really don't wanna regret anymore about my friends...
and i'll try my best not to run away from my friends i love
miss u so much, bro

Swe Hein

Lesson Learnt

Five years ago, I ran away from a group of friends. It wasn't easy being a homosexual in Myanmar so I ran away from my friends. I would not be able to stand being judged by them or just hurting their feelings by telling them that I am a homosexual. So, I came to Sydney and since then, I have always concentrated on my new life. I did tell some of them, including Woogie about my homosexuality. Most of them were cool with it but since I've found new company here in Sydney, I didn't try my best to keep in touch with them knowing they will be there whenever I go back to Myanmar or some other countries to meet them up. Woogie passing away is like a slap in the face to live everyday like my last. I randomly talk to Woogie once in a while on msn but I didn't do anything other than that. I didn't wish him happy birthdays. I didn't email him... I guess it just kills me when he's actually gone for good. So, while I was drinking my ass off with Ryan and Luke last night, I made a promise to myself to never be careless with the ones I love.

And today, I went and met up with Tom Birch before he left. I prioritized him outta everyone cos he was gonna be leaving tomorrow. We went to Belgian Beer Cafe. It was an impromptu hang out for me and only eight people were there joined by Dave Field later. So, it felt pretty secure and cool. Birch, Lau, Nick G, Anu, Dave F, Sherman, Funke, Qwokzz and me. I somewhat felt like a man around them though I find it hard to talk most of the time since we don't really have a proper common conversational topic we can all cover. But then again, I felt really good I got to hang out with them since I do respect all of them in a way or another. No matter how small the quantity the amount of respect is from me to some of them, the respect is STILL there.. so , yes I did have a blast... I was happy I got to hang out with Birch before he leaves :)

Music: The Cardigans - Gordon's Garden Party

Mood: calm

Woogie's Gone :(

I knew nothing could be happy for a long period. I've always had this jinxy curse where whenever I feel sad, something happy would come up and vice versa. I've been happy with the finishing uni and working two jobs thing and I KNEW something would have to come up. It came up today.... two things..

One... my close friend, Wakapha, passed away on nye in Santika club in Thailand(link), where he was inside with his girfriend and his other friend. Three of them were burnt alive. I heard from my other friend that his corpse looks nothing like him and they could tell it's him only by DNA checking. His parents and sisters are in Thailand now and they're gonna cremate his body tomorrow at 9am at some monastery. Now, I heard that at 10am before I went to work. I had a huge cry then I went to work. I held it back in cos I think it's important to not set a bad atmostphere at work but as soon as everyone left and I was alone on my own in the back room, I cried. Why? Cos I haven't seen him in five years. I've never done anything to TRY to keep in touch with him. Not even emails. Only cos I know he'd be around when we, one day, become rich and grown up and have our own private jets and shit. Now, look what has happened. This incident is a kick in my face to actually spend time with the ones I love as much as I can and not forget them whilst they're still there. I really will miss him and I'm missing him now more than I have ever missed him before. I love u bro and I wish u're at a better place now.....

Now, I got all horrid and called my sister and my mom cos my mom is friends with his dad and that's what actually made me and him closer than most friends. We were a family friend. Now, mom made a joke about kids cos she was talking about how Dicky's got a kid now and she was joking about how she doesn't want grandkids from my sister since my sister was married to and had a divorce with a retard. But on the other hand, something she said, made me scared. She's like 'now I'm just waiting for ur kid'. Little does she know that it's gonna be surrogated with my gay boyfriend if only I could find one that would wanna be with me forever in my life. Fuck this shit... I think being singleton's much better.... but it makes me think, "MOM WAKE THE FUCK UP.. I LIKE PENIS"....

Now, I'm drinking beer with my flatmate Ryan and diggin everything that I could from the fridge. See, he spilt spoilt milk in our fridge and after cleaning it, I noticed we got two schnapps bottles and two wine bottles left in there.. I'll need them... to numb the pain and the silent scream...

I miss my friend........ it sucks that people die young

May you rest in peace Woogie (May 5th, 1982 - Jan 1st, 2009)


Music: The Carpenters - This Masquerade

Mood: really really sad

The other Pansies of Jayjays

In Jayjays, there are five guys.. well four guys now that Sam is gone. Me, Soon, Bernie and Seven. Yes, his name is Seven. And yes the manager's name is Soon. Don't you love it? You can actually construct a sentence that makes sense with two of my colleagues' name.. like "Hi... I'll meet you Soon at Seven". It'll be like meeting Soon at Seven's place or something. Well, let me get back to what I was going on about. So, we have four guys. Soon and I are gay guys. But lemme emphasize on the 'non gay' guys now. Bernie, my little pacman, made me buy condoms for him..... ok, I find this both cute and weird. Seems like he cares about the fact that people would know he buy condoms? What for? And on the other hand, Seven was looking at the mirror in our shop last few days ago and saw TWO PIMPLES and he forgot about work the next day 'cos he was at a facial treatment thingo. Now, you tell me whether me and Soon should feel traumatized about HOW PANSYISH Seven and Bernie are.. It totally cracked me up when you think of it.

I was feeling like shit last night cos come to think of it. On a normal Friday when I was in uni, I'd be sitting on the science theatre lawn with Sarina or Aarti or even Justin A and I'd be rating guys and checking them out with our little codes like 'Baked Beans' or 'Beef Stake'. And after a good evening out there perving at guys who walk by FEB building, I'd go home, dress up and head down to meet up with some friends in the city or just oxford street to meet up with Clee for a dance or two..... Well, look at me now. I was at home playing monopoly online on a Friday night after working for 7 hours. MY life is slowly changing as I have started to prioritize different stuffs. Some says it's growing up, some says it's turning point... I love it this way but it'll take me a while to get used to it.... it's quite lonely to be honest...

Well, Vinnie picked me up from work with his new car. And yes I felt like I was in a batmobile. It was sweet of him to take me to clovelly viewpoint and after that we munched on hungry jack and as a return for him being so nice to me, I washed his car.. the whole car.. with a squidgie... :P Thanx Vinnie if you're reading this. I guess true friends always show up and help you out throughout shitty days you're going through. Last time I smoked at Clovelly viewpoint with Ness.. No, Ness didn't smoke.. but I did.. So, I think there's something about close friends and me and Clovelly.

Betterlooking Thanda with a penis and good muscles. Hahaha, that's what I call Ryan, my new flatmate who's staying in Thanda's room as she's away on an island diving with blueys. Well, Ryan and I had a talk today. He finally knows I'm gay thanx to the "OUT" magazine in the toilet. He said he couldn't tell. He's really nice to get along with and I love the fact that he doesn't care if I was gay or not even though he finds some gay activities kinda weird. In fact, he said he likes me since I seem to be 'mature' in his opinion. We're gonna have this 'mandate'(as he called it) since I was gonna take him to French Riviera for ten scoops of ice cream we can munch together with. This was gonna be what I'd be doing with Lincoln when we finally meet but I can always have a pre rehearsal with Ryan, my new American straight flatmate who would love to have a mandate with me. LOL.. God Bless!!!

P.S. that's the pic of me and Kirsty. We were bored after work... nothing biggie

Music: FR David - Words

Mood: tired but quite joyful

Soon and I

The world is such a small place... and the gay world's even smaller. Last time, I cracked up cos both Luke and I know Jamie but on NYD, I bumped into Mick. Mick was one of my one timer who I happened to hook up with whilst he was with his boyfriend. I felt bad later though both he and his bf do do casual sex with others. I mean, Mick's a nice guy but it just felt a bit weird to have fucked with someone's bf and I kinda don't wanna do it again. So, I stopped and that was the only reason why it was a one timer. Well, Soon and I were walking down Oxford St, kinda going back to his place so that I could catch a cab and go home. We bumped into Mick and turned out that Soon used to date him in Adeleide. Yes, I laughed again. I'm lucky this happened to people like Soon and Luke with me since those two are two of those few people I can be myself around with and laugh at things. So, it went well... I guess?

Speaking of Soon, my relationship with him and Ross has been almost like Luke and Stevie. They're like Mommy Soon and Daddy Ross, which is kinda cute. I'm just glad they're nice people who actually loves me as opposed to just being around me just for the sake of it. Soon's a really nice guy after all and I do feel special since he can be totally bitchy with others but only good at those who he's good at. So yeah, Soon has become ANOTHER close friend of mine... which is good..

Music: Ryan Adams - Nightbirds

Mood: loved

2009

The best thing that could happen on a new year's day is waking up early. Now, I haven't been that much used to waking up early but today was just extraoridinarily self awoken early. Given that I slept at 3am last night, thanx to Circular Quay and its road blockage, I was made to stay in the city and hang around with Soon at Glenn's house, which turned out to be so good actually. However, my first intention was to go sleep.

I have this obsession with new year's day. Yes, I am not into nye party and all that but 1st of january of any year is quite inspiring and motivating for me. Being early to work was good though kinda bad only cos I ended up clothes shopping and bought more than I needed to. It was Sam W's last day today at Jayjays. We were talking about his karaokability and the fact that he won five hundred bucks for Backpackers Idol thingy. He actually has a band called 'flash echo .... '. I forgot what the last word was but yeah, his friend's been in uni and that was why he's been on vacation in Aussieland. I have to say it was nice working with him. He's somewhat pretty cool but he's of no sort that I got attached to.

So, today was the first day that I didn't smoke and I coughed like a bitch. It's funny how I am actually coughing when I'm NOT smoking. *le sigh*

Can't wait what this year will bring.....

Music: Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday

Mood: anew