When people are in love, they learn to build trust on each other. When they have trust in each other, they start to invade a bit of their lives. They try to know their pasts. Surprised! Let down! Glad! Impressed! C'est la vie!
There's nothing worse than not knowing your partner. It's even worse when your partner keeps saying things like "I love you" and "I will never cheat on you" especially when you were not even asking your partner THOSE questions. I believe that if one does not like being questioned about something personal, it can be said and explained. And it gets annoying when you're trying to find out if one is offended or not and all he/she gives you is "I love you" and "I will never cheat on you". To cherry top things, you get told that he SUDDENLY got things to do. And to top that up, he comes back online and log out when you ask again.
Oh, and you know what!!! Apparently, having a mancrush on a straight person is uncool!!
I've had enough!!! I just don't know him anymore... I really don't want to even try!
I really need to move on than trying to learn more about someone, stuck in a web, not getting any.
I do not know you anymore and honestly, though it hurts, I do NOT care anymore!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Fish
So, I haven't blogged about the 'fish'. It's only cos I, myself, think it's NO BIG DEAL! However, thanks to those around me, I feel like I have to bitch about this. Let me tell you that I do NOT hate my friends but I think some of them would be better without being so dramatic. And sadly, I cannot even use code names this time round since I would hate to hear ANYTHING about the fish again.
So, Monday night, a lot of people showed up. AWESOME! Back in the days when Boss was here, no matter how many people there were, we always eat together and we share the bill. Now, we have friends of friends, who wouldn't eat much and refuse to pay for what they don't eat. Fair enough!!! So, a friend (A) asked me to order fish for her. She said she won't be able to finish it but she wants big one so I told her I would help. The 'fish' never came and I had to leave the table and so I did. Then, it turned out that the fish costs like (well I heard 60$, 70$ and 80$ and even 90$). Chinese whisper! So some of the people around the table had a 'omg i'm not gonna be in the bill for that fish' moment.
So, A told me about this in a funny tone and she said B was a bit dramatic about this. So, I took this as 'ok' thing. Then, C and I talked and C sounded a bit concerned, which didn't help, but then again, it's only natural of C to want to make sure I'm ok. Then, C asked me what A said. I lied to C(though I didn't want to) that A said nothing. Then, yesterday, I was telling Boss about this drama. I thought I was being a bit exaggerating UNTIL
I was greeted by D (who was there at the restaurant that night), who happens to be in the airport, with 'O hey.. so much for the fish escape'. And I said 'well I had to go and it wasn't even my food' and D said 'well that wasn't what A said'. Then, I went out at night to 50 street and E came and talked to me 'omg it's the fish guy'.
So, now I feel like I'm this dude who copped out after ordering a big fucking piece of fish that no one ate.
My arguments are
1. I ordered for someone.
2. I did offer help to eat.
3. I didn't ask for the price.
4. The TOTAL bill, if split, would only cost 20 $ each.
5. These people earns way fucking more than I do!!
So yeah, I'm actually in a 'very sick of socializing' mood. I am not a party animal, social whore or a cool popular person. I'm gonna stick to work, music and life.
So, Monday night, a lot of people showed up. AWESOME! Back in the days when Boss was here, no matter how many people there were, we always eat together and we share the bill. Now, we have friends of friends, who wouldn't eat much and refuse to pay for what they don't eat. Fair enough!!! So, a friend (A) asked me to order fish for her. She said she won't be able to finish it but she wants big one so I told her I would help. The 'fish' never came and I had to leave the table and so I did. Then, it turned out that the fish costs like (well I heard 60$, 70$ and 80$ and even 90$). Chinese whisper! So some of the people around the table had a 'omg i'm not gonna be in the bill for that fish' moment.
So, A told me about this in a funny tone and she said B was a bit dramatic about this. So, I took this as 'ok' thing. Then, C and I talked and C sounded a bit concerned, which didn't help, but then again, it's only natural of C to want to make sure I'm ok. Then, C asked me what A said. I lied to C(though I didn't want to) that A said nothing. Then, yesterday, I was telling Boss about this drama. I thought I was being a bit exaggerating UNTIL
I was greeted by D (who was there at the restaurant that night), who happens to be in the airport, with 'O hey.. so much for the fish escape'. And I said 'well I had to go and it wasn't even my food' and D said 'well that wasn't what A said'. Then, I went out at night to 50 street and E came and talked to me 'omg it's the fish guy'.
So, now I feel like I'm this dude who copped out after ordering a big fucking piece of fish that no one ate.
My arguments are
1. I ordered for someone.
2. I did offer help to eat.
3. I didn't ask for the price.
4. The TOTAL bill, if split, would only cost 20 $ each.
5. These people earns way fucking more than I do!!
So yeah, I'm actually in a 'very sick of socializing' mood. I am not a party animal, social whore or a cool popular person. I'm gonna stick to work, music and life.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Catch 22 Scenario 0710 : Job Hunters
It’s one thing to try to avoid becoming number one in the next top ten bragger’s list and it’s another to not be able to avoid anything.
It’s that time of year at work where the project ends and everyone in the office would be reviewing their CV’s and looking for ads on papers. Yes, people start worrying about their future. The fact that this project does not really have another round, like the project before, really hits the stress spot in the office.
Fortunately and thanks to Maltesers, I was not going to be one of those jobless people. I’ve spent the last five days trying not to mention about my next job in the office, given I do not really have anything official given to me and also given I do not want to upset anyone. Unfortunately, due to the ‘job seeking’ atmosphere lingering in the air, I was faced with a deadly question. “Hey, have you got your job? How did the interview go?”
Now, not mentioning names here, but I do know someone from our office who found out that I am going to be working for the UN-related job next month and I rather my colleagues do NOT find out from that person, but me, about information that I do not want to keep hidden. So, I had to spill the beans.
It’s funny how people cannot hide and it’s natural how people react. My announcement of not being jobless next month was responded with a congratulatory comment, followed by a long awkward silence, only to be broken by sound of heavy typing on my colleagues’ computer while typing their CVs or moans about how hard it is to get jobs.
This was one of those days you just could not really express how lucky and happy you feel at the expense of upsetting others. Life’s hard!!
It’s that time of year at work where the project ends and everyone in the office would be reviewing their CV’s and looking for ads on papers. Yes, people start worrying about their future. The fact that this project does not really have another round, like the project before, really hits the stress spot in the office.
Fortunately and thanks to Maltesers, I was not going to be one of those jobless people. I’ve spent the last five days trying not to mention about my next job in the office, given I do not really have anything official given to me and also given I do not want to upset anyone. Unfortunately, due to the ‘job seeking’ atmosphere lingering in the air, I was faced with a deadly question. “Hey, have you got your job? How did the interview go?”
Now, not mentioning names here, but I do know someone from our office who found out that I am going to be working for the UN-related job next month and I rather my colleagues do NOT find out from that person, but me, about information that I do not want to keep hidden. So, I had to spill the beans.
It’s funny how people cannot hide and it’s natural how people react. My announcement of not being jobless next month was responded with a congratulatory comment, followed by a long awkward silence, only to be broken by sound of heavy typing on my colleagues’ computer while typing their CVs or moans about how hard it is to get jobs.
This was one of those days you just could not really express how lucky and happy you feel at the expense of upsetting others. Life’s hard!!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Boss
I just think it’s no mistake to say Boss has made such a huge impact in my life. I miss her so much. For some reason, I missed her today more than any day else. Why do I love her?
Boss is a typical Thai with an edge. It was a bit of a mixture actually. She has this huge Thai politeness, which can only be interrupted by her bluntness, which won us our friendship. Dramawise, she’s just chilled. It’s the fact that she’s been through so much in life that she does not really dwell on drama. I remember one time when I told her about someone bitching about her, she replied ‘Oh that’s ok. People talk.’ I just stared at her, given the bitching person was one of her close friends. I asked her why she was being so cool about it. Then, she said in this world people only dwell on bad news or sad news for the expense of their own pleasure. It’s unintentional yet uncontrollable.
I do not mean to judge my colleagues or those I hang out with lately but they remind me of NOTHING but high school. It’s sad actually when I find myself saying “God, uni is so like high school. I can’t wait to get the work environment.” a year ago and look what has happened. Same old same old.
I guess this world is just full of people so insecure about themselves, letting money change their mood or behaviors towards others. It’s even worse when they don’t even know who their real friends are. It also sucks for me to be someone who’s been told a lot about ‘he said, she said’. I love my friends but sometimes, the things they say just put images of them with a huge caricatured big head with bodies in diapers.
These are times I long for friends like Boss…..
Boss is a typical Thai with an edge. It was a bit of a mixture actually. She has this huge Thai politeness, which can only be interrupted by her bluntness, which won us our friendship. Dramawise, she’s just chilled. It’s the fact that she’s been through so much in life that she does not really dwell on drama. I remember one time when I told her about someone bitching about her, she replied ‘Oh that’s ok. People talk.’ I just stared at her, given the bitching person was one of her close friends. I asked her why she was being so cool about it. Then, she said in this world people only dwell on bad news or sad news for the expense of their own pleasure. It’s unintentional yet uncontrollable.
I do not mean to judge my colleagues or those I hang out with lately but they remind me of NOTHING but high school. It’s sad actually when I find myself saying “God, uni is so like high school. I can’t wait to get the work environment.” a year ago and look what has happened. Same old same old.
I guess this world is just full of people so insecure about themselves, letting money change their mood or behaviors towards others. It’s even worse when they don’t even know who their real friends are. It also sucks for me to be someone who’s been told a lot about ‘he said, she said’. I love my friends but sometimes, the things they say just put images of them with a huge caricatured big head with bodies in diapers.
These are times I long for friends like Boss…..
Monday, July 19, 2010
Social Host
Today has ben pretty busy. It all started with me in the studio working on the song I wrote for KB. Her bf (soon to be husband), Chucky, was there as well. It felt really good that someone is singing my song and letting me play the synch in the song. I saw some dudes from the band, Lazy Club, and they were pretty much surprised that I'm ACTUALLY playing. One of them was like "what are you playing?". Umm.. keyboard? I was glad KB and MT liked it!!
I have planned a seafood outing for almost every X-Pats people I know of and omg, there were at least 15 of them. CS, Malteser, SecondMan, CuteDork, Beyonce, SSM, Giggle, 50Manager, PlasticBernard, IbuN (yes, even she was there.. the adorable Indo lady who works for RCC), Girlfriend, RakhineDude (yes, the ever drunk master), BigDaddy, Apollo13, Whitney, Vphoto (I thought she was dating PlasticBernard), caveman and Bob (designer from Asean). MW came up to me and asked if he could "steal" my guests back to his place after the dinner since I was the host. Umm. First of all, MW is a champ; I like him and he's awesome. Second, I was NOT the host. Ok, fine, I initiated this seafood fest especially for CS and caveman. Third, I do not think it's stealing. I'm sure all of them could go anywhere they please after the seafood outing. Well, I left before all of them did since I had to meet up with DoubleA at CoffeeCircle.
DoubleA, DoubleAwife, DoubleAbro, DoubleAbrowife, ChineseGF (yes I used to fancy her before) and TZ (this really cute looking dude with dimple who supposedly know me but I had no recollection of whatsoever who is a friend of DoubleAwife). I spent most of my time @ coffee circle trying to connect internet with the new laptop and I could only get it like ten minutes before we went home.
It's a long day but god, how many friends could I have possibly meet up in a day! The X-Pats officially crowned me as 'social whore' and I have to say, I was impressed with the turnout. I feel blessed :D
I have planned a seafood outing for almost every X-Pats people I know of and omg, there were at least 15 of them. CS, Malteser, SecondMan, CuteDork, Beyonce, SSM, Giggle, 50Manager, PlasticBernard, IbuN (yes, even she was there.. the adorable Indo lady who works for RCC), Girlfriend, RakhineDude (yes, the ever drunk master), BigDaddy, Apollo13, Whitney, Vphoto (I thought she was dating PlasticBernard), caveman and Bob (designer from Asean). MW came up to me and asked if he could "steal" my guests back to his place after the dinner since I was the host. Umm. First of all, MW is a champ; I like him and he's awesome. Second, I was NOT the host. Ok, fine, I initiated this seafood fest especially for CS and caveman. Third, I do not think it's stealing. I'm sure all of them could go anywhere they please after the seafood outing. Well, I left before all of them did since I had to meet up with DoubleA at CoffeeCircle.
DoubleA, DoubleAwife, DoubleAbro, DoubleAbrowife, ChineseGF (yes I used to fancy her before) and TZ (this really cute looking dude with dimple who supposedly know me but I had no recollection of whatsoever who is a friend of DoubleAwife). I spent most of my time @ coffee circle trying to connect internet with the new laptop and I could only get it like ten minutes before we went home.
It's a long day but god, how many friends could I have possibly meet up in a day! The X-Pats officially crowned me as 'social whore' and I have to say, I was impressed with the turnout. I feel blessed :D
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Planner ol' me
I am NOT a dumbass. Ok, maybe I am. Before I went to Whipper's house since she was leaving today for Italy again, I wanted to make sure I got my new camera with me. So, I took it out from charging and tried to turn it on. It wouldn't turn on. So, I went to the shop with a warranty card to check if there's anything I could do. Redeem, refund, exchange?
Then it turned out that I have misplaced the battery in a wrong direction. Now, for someone who has got a diploma in Mechatronics and a degree in Computer Science, that was pretty much pathetically screwed up.
I have started to make plans once again. Maybe it's the new job offer. Maybe it's the new laptop. Maybe it's Craig's new found decision. I was pretty happy and confident in making this plan.
August: Work with UN starts. Better pay. Take care of Music videos, find out what I could do for my promotion. Make sure I have a good body.
September: Work with UN. Album out?
October: Work with UN. Shows?
November: Extend work with UN. Save money?
December: Have Craig come over and go back with him to sydney before xmas. Go to Mg Thet's wedding.
Well, this plan only applies if I get PR in any of these months. Come to think of it, Craig does not even have to come to Burma. I wouldn't want him to waste his money, given I'm gonna get to where he is pretty soon anyways!
Then it turned out that I have misplaced the battery in a wrong direction. Now, for someone who has got a diploma in Mechatronics and a degree in Computer Science, that was pretty much pathetically screwed up.
I have started to make plans once again. Maybe it's the new job offer. Maybe it's the new laptop. Maybe it's Craig's new found decision. I was pretty happy and confident in making this plan.
August: Work with UN starts. Better pay. Take care of Music videos, find out what I could do for my promotion. Make sure I have a good body.
September: Work with UN. Album out?
October: Work with UN. Shows?
November: Extend work with UN. Save money?
December: Have Craig come over and go back with him to sydney before xmas. Go to Mg Thet's wedding.
Well, this plan only applies if I get PR in any of these months. Come to think of it, Craig does not even have to come to Burma. I wouldn't want him to waste his money, given I'm gonna get to where he is pretty soon anyways!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Spolit Sulk
Ok, maybe I am a spoilt brat after all. I got my new laptop today and even a new camera, which I would pay back to my grandparents when I get my pay. But then, when I reminded them of a trip they were talking about, the trip to send me to Bangkok to buy clothes, they told me that it was apparently a joke.
Now, it's true I want to go to Thailand, given there are people I wanna meet there and yes, I admit, I like shopping, given I've been working on my new body figure and the music video plannage. But, I don't think those were the reasons I got pissed off. I guess I was just pissed off at how easy of them to make a joke about a promise, which I've totally been looking forward to. I was pretty upset.
This is so cliche of my grandparents. They are so ignorant to say "I'm sorry". Stubborn, more like. I could see me talking to them back anyways and this would last a while but seriously, I doubt they would've learnt their lessons. Ah well, I was pretty disappointed.
On a brighter note, Craig was being totally awesome and we both have come to terms that we want each other for life and we both need not worry about any bad shit, given we both know we'll end up together eventually. To be very honest, I'm very proud of him and pretty much in love with him all over again. I can't stand drama. It's awesome when he's being a man for once and taking a stand and being brave in decisions he's making.
Now, it's true I want to go to Thailand, given there are people I wanna meet there and yes, I admit, I like shopping, given I've been working on my new body figure and the music video plannage. But, I don't think those were the reasons I got pissed off. I guess I was just pissed off at how easy of them to make a joke about a promise, which I've totally been looking forward to. I was pretty upset.
This is so cliche of my grandparents. They are so ignorant to say "I'm sorry". Stubborn, more like. I could see me talking to them back anyways and this would last a while but seriously, I doubt they would've learnt their lessons. Ah well, I was pretty disappointed.
On a brighter note, Craig was being totally awesome and we both have come to terms that we want each other for life and we both need not worry about any bad shit, given we both know we'll end up together eventually. To be very honest, I'm very proud of him and pretty much in love with him all over again. I can't stand drama. It's awesome when he's being a man for once and taking a stand and being brave in decisions he's making.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Gen Y(1/2)
Going to the office on a Friday (which is technically still my day off) was quite boring. The presentations were finally done and we had dinner at ToyBoss's house. We, as in all the national stuffs, which include Aunty and almost everyone in the PR team. Aunty surprisingly talks to me but I treat that more as a sympathy pattern or just a fake gesture, which I totally can't be fucked with. I started drinking again and it was fun to have all the national staffs and me playing with ToyBoss's son and listening to caveman talk about ToyBoss. It was a pretty good evening.
Then, caveman, loggie, Databasechick and I went to 50 street. Well, as usual, Databasechick and loggie left early. Almost everyone I know was there at 50 street. Girlfriend, CS, Maltesers, SecondMan (who's the second man of UNDP), 50Manager (the bar manager), MW (PR III consultant with the tattoo on his neck of his wife), Whitney (the awesome friendly ebonic girl with the cool ball beads on her neck) and hell lots more. I do not mean to sound braggy but me being on alcohol opens this new dimension of popularity once again. All night long, I've become this gay celebrity who was going to make a music video at the bar. My new-boss-to-be (BigDaddy, just because he has this father figure) bought me a drink and welcomed me to his work. Does this mean I got the UN job? Maltesers kept saying 'yeah'!!!
After the drinks and all that at 50 street, a few of us went to SecondMan's place for drinks. The American teacher I got to know (Giggles, just cos she's so smily and warm), TH (GermanChick's boyfriend, not really sure if they're together and I actually saw him shagging Whitney), some blond chick that I just met (Katie), Maltesers, CS, caveman, EmZee (some Burmese guy who's pretty cool and who sent me back to the place where there are a lot of taxis when I wanted to go home), Whitney and 50Manager. The funny thing was how they were so straight and they were so pretty much synchronized and flirty and I ended up spending most of my time with SecondMan's dog. She was cute anyways and HUGE and she doesn't bite.
Maybe it's just me but I used to get intimidated by the whole Gen Y. I guess when you're actually in it, it ain't half bad. Dancing on chairs, making out with different people and drinking and just bobbing your head drunk at a house party seem pretty normal and ok to me. Maybe, it's cos I've connected to the Gen Y finally.
Drinking was awesome but then, it makes me forget easily. I forgot my camera in the taxi cab. I was very sure I got it with me in the taxi because I was flipping through the photos in the cab. There goes another Hein tipsed moment. FML!
Then, caveman, loggie, Databasechick and I went to 50 street. Well, as usual, Databasechick and loggie left early. Almost everyone I know was there at 50 street. Girlfriend, CS, Maltesers, SecondMan (who's the second man of UNDP), 50Manager (the bar manager), MW (PR III consultant with the tattoo on his neck of his wife), Whitney (the awesome friendly ebonic girl with the cool ball beads on her neck) and hell lots more. I do not mean to sound braggy but me being on alcohol opens this new dimension of popularity once again. All night long, I've become this gay celebrity who was going to make a music video at the bar. My new-boss-to-be (BigDaddy, just because he has this father figure) bought me a drink and welcomed me to his work. Does this mean I got the UN job? Maltesers kept saying 'yeah'!!!
After the drinks and all that at 50 street, a few of us went to SecondMan's place for drinks. The American teacher I got to know (Giggles, just cos she's so smily and warm), TH (GermanChick's boyfriend, not really sure if they're together and I actually saw him shagging Whitney), some blond chick that I just met (Katie), Maltesers, CS, caveman, EmZee (some Burmese guy who's pretty cool and who sent me back to the place where there are a lot of taxis when I wanted to go home), Whitney and 50Manager. The funny thing was how they were so straight and they were so pretty much synchronized and flirty and I ended up spending most of my time with SecondMan's dog. She was cute anyways and HUGE and she doesn't bite.
Maybe it's just me but I used to get intimidated by the whole Gen Y. I guess when you're actually in it, it ain't half bad. Dancing on chairs, making out with different people and drinking and just bobbing your head drunk at a house party seem pretty normal and ok to me. Maybe, it's cos I've connected to the Gen Y finally.
Drinking was awesome but then, it makes me forget easily. I forgot my camera in the taxi cab. I was very sure I got it with me in the taxi because I was flipping through the photos in the cab. There goes another Hein tipsed moment. FML!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Beauty is in the eye of the clubholder
After I read my email about my boss asking me to show her husband around town, I thought to myself how the fuck could I have pressed the 'send' button right after I replied "Your husband is a good looking guy though I'm not a big fan of his hair".
Sometimes, I swear to God my fingers have a mind of their own. I just can't control them and they would move around in patterns to type out the exact difference of what I would have in mind. I guess I'm not the only one though. Everyone in my office have always wondered why ToyBoss's husband is the EXACT opposite of what they have imagined. Did her taste buds for men have an unhealthy mind of its own? A technically knowledged lady in her mid-30's, always attentive at work, always the first to catch anyone being a borebag and always the type of person who we all would know and love to accept that she's one hell of a lady. Now, she's a mother to the most adorable baby all of us in the office have ever held in our arms and then, *presto* we meet the sperm-owner of this product. Now, if this was a movie, this would be the part where you would have the needle of the record player stop the record from playing.
A five foot six incher with tons of hair and hippy jeans. Ok, I have nothing against hair but it's not really advisable for two types of men on this planet Earth to have THAT much hair:- Jews and Indians. Jew men and Indian men look way hotter clean shaven. And this caveman (ooh that's a good alias) is unacceptable. As he pranced around the room yesterday, I had a few thoughts in my head. Why is ToyBoss with caveman? Who could go to bed to have sex with a furball? Why can't people afford good jeans? Does he have BO? Is he actually the father of her baby?
Well, all thoughts disappeared FINALLY when he looked me in the eyes. There I stood, standing amazed at his eyes. I do not mean to sound biased but this caveman has got one of those eyes which you could just learn to love. Kind eyes, I call them. And he was uber friendly. Now, I see why ToyBoss loves caveman. And it makes me wonder how shallow we all have been. How unrealistically absorbed in the present we all are. How needles and chemicals get us tickets to better romance. How fucked up all of the above is.
I just know that once this caveman age, he'll still own that kind eyes and a smile that would attract anyone while we, on the other hand, find cheap surgeons on the internet to get rid of our wrinkles. Hmm.. now it makes me wonder... have I got any parts of my body which I can actually still own and use for good purposes when I get older than this..... time tells....
Sometimes, I swear to God my fingers have a mind of their own. I just can't control them and they would move around in patterns to type out the exact difference of what I would have in mind. I guess I'm not the only one though. Everyone in my office have always wondered why ToyBoss's husband is the EXACT opposite of what they have imagined. Did her taste buds for men have an unhealthy mind of its own? A technically knowledged lady in her mid-30's, always attentive at work, always the first to catch anyone being a borebag and always the type of person who we all would know and love to accept that she's one hell of a lady. Now, she's a mother to the most adorable baby all of us in the office have ever held in our arms and then, *presto* we meet the sperm-owner of this product. Now, if this was a movie, this would be the part where you would have the needle of the record player stop the record from playing.
A five foot six incher with tons of hair and hippy jeans. Ok, I have nothing against hair but it's not really advisable for two types of men on this planet Earth to have THAT much hair:- Jews and Indians. Jew men and Indian men look way hotter clean shaven. And this caveman (ooh that's a good alias) is unacceptable. As he pranced around the room yesterday, I had a few thoughts in my head. Why is ToyBoss with caveman? Who could go to bed to have sex with a furball? Why can't people afford good jeans? Does he have BO? Is he actually the father of her baby?
Well, all thoughts disappeared FINALLY when he looked me in the eyes. There I stood, standing amazed at his eyes. I do not mean to sound biased but this caveman has got one of those eyes which you could just learn to love. Kind eyes, I call them. And he was uber friendly. Now, I see why ToyBoss loves caveman. And it makes me wonder how shallow we all have been. How unrealistically absorbed in the present we all are. How needles and chemicals get us tickets to better romance. How fucked up all of the above is.
I just know that once this caveman age, he'll still own that kind eyes and a smile that would attract anyone while we, on the other hand, find cheap surgeons on the internet to get rid of our wrinkles. Hmm.. now it makes me wonder... have I got any parts of my body which I can actually still own and use for good purposes when I get older than this..... time tells....
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mid Life Crisis
One year ago, I was pretty confused about my life. I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. Naive yet hopeful for my permanent residency in Australia, I just soldiered on like life was a piece of cake. And might I add, a sponge cake came to mind since it looks disgusting yet people love to eat it. So, I guess life, despite its ugliness, has its reward and I could somehow feel the spotlight and the gratefulness from it.
Today, as I was watching Desperate Housewives (yes yes yes I know I've been totally couch potatoing myself to this guilty pleasure of 'four days per season' binge-DVD-ing.), I began to realize that I am facing a mid life crisis.
In all honesty, I do NOT know the digit to have this mid life crisis but all I know is the fact that I'd be facing it soon enough, given my age is gonna raise me up to yet another decade. Despite the valueless big zero at the back of a number, the whole number is pretty tough to justify the actual value that comes with it.
The fact that I do not know the actual number for the mid life crisis made me feel a bit dumb. However, the dinner I had with CS and Maltesers totally gave me a huge slap in the face. I was bored the whole day. I finished two presentations for work and I was bored in my office room. Wait, it's not even my office room anymore since they used my office room as a store room now, given we are at this pack-up phase. So, I was in a shared office room with my colleagues the whole afternoon on my day off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my colleagues and this does NOT include that menopausal biyatch, Aunty. As I was sitting there forcing myself to come up with a plan to fill my spots for the day, I realized nothing amazes me anymore.
I have a good boyfriend, who I can't be with. I did well in a job interview, which promised me I would NOT be jobless EVEN for a day after this. I have a permanent residency approval waiting to be signed by the immigration dude (or a dudette) with a qualified mark for the marking system. I have a family who can't wait to shop with me in Thailand and to buy me the laptop I desperately need for work. I have a fifth album in the making, which is looking good at the moment.
I've been a spoilt brat and I guess I'm sick of it. The worst thing is the fact that I didn't actually sweat much for all of the above. It's true I've faced a lot of drama in my life, those I never thought I could've survived throughout. I've learnt a lot of good things that made me the person I am. I find it easy to make friends, especially after I shaped myself up to be the near-perfect person that I already am socially.
During dinner, Maltesers and CS clicked a lot to the point I felt this green eyed monster in me. CS is a dude who I would so love to shag with if only I didn't have the man I love in my life and if only he was into the same gender as I was. I am NOT saying I want to have sex with him because he's hot. In fact, I do not even feel any type of horniness for him as we speak and I can't help thinking Craig is the only person who would turn me on. But, I DO look up to CS. I still have a mancrush on him. Things he said. Things he does. It's just things I'm still learning to pick up. CS is this dude who could converse with almost anyone. He studies politics in China (although he's actually from Austin, Texas) and he's 29. Slightly older than me but his way of communication is one of his attractive assets. Strongly opinionated, laid back and very confident about himself and the things he's done and not really influenced with his past nor the future, this dude was just someone I would want to be. Maltesers, on the other hand, IS a strong woman who believes in changes. She believes in efficiency of causes. She is a fighter with 'time' and she believes that anything can happen for the better. She's also 29 and she's working in UN-related jobs.
Both of them seems to be so heavily indulged in this conversation about making my country a better place. My reaction? Shame!! It's not like I do not believe in my country getting better but when it comes to things that would cause changes, I find 'risk' as a very scary factor. I'm more of an introvert when it comes to sharing my view about my surroundings and wording them out. I'm the type of person who likes starting a sentence with "you might think I'm wrong but...". It came to the point where I could not contribute anything in the conversation between these two people. Two brave people, with career or a plan. While I scribble things on my planner like a studio date, these two were talking about the future which is in their hands.
The future that I hold is only of mine. Not even my family or my friends'. To make things worse, the future that I hold is still mostly dependent on those who are still able to feed me. My folks! I'm still lost and confused.
While a lot of 23+ people are becoming entrepreneurs or having kids in their lives, I'm still stuck with a career that is not totally out of my own account (and it's an unstable climb in the music industry) and a boyfriend who I would have to measure up to if I want to feel right. I do know I'm a fighter but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I would be fighting for. I'm the one who used to say age is a number but god, might I also add that a number is of values. And with every values comes a responsbility, respective and of various diversities.
As I lie down on my bed tonight, I feel like I want to make a change. I want to become a better person. I want to have a rank or title at work that means something. I want a salary of high zeroes. I want a game face that would fool any men. I want a boyfriend who I could have a symbiotic relationship with. I want a family I want to take care of. I want to have a charity booth that can save a thousand lives, then million. I want to be able to hold the world in my hand. I want to scoff at people who compares Prada bags to their religious figures. I want to be able to climb to the roof of my own house to scrape off the leaves that would fall on the pipeline. I want to conquer my fear. I want a group of people who respects the way I am, not by the way I dress or the dance moves I come up with, nor by the pure heart that I have in me, but just the things I can do to change my life and positively affect others.
I am ready to face my deepest fear. It'll be yet another fucked up journey but God, I feel the itch.
I want to overcome that greatest fear........ gambling...
I want to gamble with life.
Today, as I was watching Desperate Housewives (yes yes yes I know I've been totally couch potatoing myself to this guilty pleasure of 'four days per season' binge-DVD-ing.), I began to realize that I am facing a mid life crisis.
In all honesty, I do NOT know the digit to have this mid life crisis but all I know is the fact that I'd be facing it soon enough, given my age is gonna raise me up to yet another decade. Despite the valueless big zero at the back of a number, the whole number is pretty tough to justify the actual value that comes with it.
The fact that I do not know the actual number for the mid life crisis made me feel a bit dumb. However, the dinner I had with CS and Maltesers totally gave me a huge slap in the face. I was bored the whole day. I finished two presentations for work and I was bored in my office room. Wait, it's not even my office room anymore since they used my office room as a store room now, given we are at this pack-up phase. So, I was in a shared office room with my colleagues the whole afternoon on my day off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my colleagues and this does NOT include that menopausal biyatch, Aunty. As I was sitting there forcing myself to come up with a plan to fill my spots for the day, I realized nothing amazes me anymore.
I have a good boyfriend, who I can't be with. I did well in a job interview, which promised me I would NOT be jobless EVEN for a day after this. I have a permanent residency approval waiting to be signed by the immigration dude (or a dudette) with a qualified mark for the marking system. I have a family who can't wait to shop with me in Thailand and to buy me the laptop I desperately need for work. I have a fifth album in the making, which is looking good at the moment.
I've been a spoilt brat and I guess I'm sick of it. The worst thing is the fact that I didn't actually sweat much for all of the above. It's true I've faced a lot of drama in my life, those I never thought I could've survived throughout. I've learnt a lot of good things that made me the person I am. I find it easy to make friends, especially after I shaped myself up to be the near-perfect person that I already am socially.
During dinner, Maltesers and CS clicked a lot to the point I felt this green eyed monster in me. CS is a dude who I would so love to shag with if only I didn't have the man I love in my life and if only he was into the same gender as I was. I am NOT saying I want to have sex with him because he's hot. In fact, I do not even feel any type of horniness for him as we speak and I can't help thinking Craig is the only person who would turn me on. But, I DO look up to CS. I still have a mancrush on him. Things he said. Things he does. It's just things I'm still learning to pick up. CS is this dude who could converse with almost anyone. He studies politics in China (although he's actually from Austin, Texas) and he's 29. Slightly older than me but his way of communication is one of his attractive assets. Strongly opinionated, laid back and very confident about himself and the things he's done and not really influenced with his past nor the future, this dude was just someone I would want to be. Maltesers, on the other hand, IS a strong woman who believes in changes. She believes in efficiency of causes. She is a fighter with 'time' and she believes that anything can happen for the better. She's also 29 and she's working in UN-related jobs.
Both of them seems to be so heavily indulged in this conversation about making my country a better place. My reaction? Shame!! It's not like I do not believe in my country getting better but when it comes to things that would cause changes, I find 'risk' as a very scary factor. I'm more of an introvert when it comes to sharing my view about my surroundings and wording them out. I'm the type of person who likes starting a sentence with "you might think I'm wrong but...". It came to the point where I could not contribute anything in the conversation between these two people. Two brave people, with career or a plan. While I scribble things on my planner like a studio date, these two were talking about the future which is in their hands.
The future that I hold is only of mine. Not even my family or my friends'. To make things worse, the future that I hold is still mostly dependent on those who are still able to feed me. My folks! I'm still lost and confused.
While a lot of 23+ people are becoming entrepreneurs or having kids in their lives, I'm still stuck with a career that is not totally out of my own account (and it's an unstable climb in the music industry) and a boyfriend who I would have to measure up to if I want to feel right. I do know I'm a fighter but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I would be fighting for. I'm the one who used to say age is a number but god, might I also add that a number is of values. And with every values comes a responsbility, respective and of various diversities.
As I lie down on my bed tonight, I feel like I want to make a change. I want to become a better person. I want to have a rank or title at work that means something. I want a salary of high zeroes. I want a game face that would fool any men. I want a boyfriend who I could have a symbiotic relationship with. I want a family I want to take care of. I want to have a charity booth that can save a thousand lives, then million. I want to be able to hold the world in my hand. I want to scoff at people who compares Prada bags to their religious figures. I want to be able to climb to the roof of my own house to scrape off the leaves that would fall on the pipeline. I want to conquer my fear. I want a group of people who respects the way I am, not by the way I dress or the dance moves I come up with, nor by the pure heart that I have in me, but just the things I can do to change my life and positively affect others.
I am ready to face my deepest fear. It'll be yet another fucked up journey but God, I feel the itch.
I want to overcome that greatest fear........ gambling...
I want to gamble with life.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hein and the fictional characters in TV series
I used to like looking at my life like a sitcom. It's funny how you look at yourself as a third person. That way, you're grounded and you're in touch with how you're viewed. Well, it works for me. Lately, it has been the other way round. I would actually have a plot or a scenario in my life and days later, I would actually see the same scenario and incident on a TV series.
Mike Delphino and Susan Meyer were trying to get a divorce since Susan Meyer kept nagging for it after the car crash and Susan actually didn't want it but it's because she kept nagging for it for so many times, Mike decided it was best to actually get it on with the divorce. Now, that's what I nearly did to Craig.
Then, you have Katherine Mayfair, who kept working because she feels like she's got nothing to do if she's not working and that is me EVERYTIME I have a day off.
AND you have Shawn Spencer in "Psych" who was on a date and he was preaching this chick about love and god, I've been doing that myself.
Maybe I've been watching too much TV series but somehow I can't help noticing a lot of similarities between those fictional characters and me and of course, it's always entertaining to watch how they deal with it and compare it with how I've dealt with mine.
Mike Delphino and Susan Meyer were trying to get a divorce since Susan Meyer kept nagging for it after the car crash and Susan actually didn't want it but it's because she kept nagging for it for so many times, Mike decided it was best to actually get it on with the divorce. Now, that's what I nearly did to Craig.
Then, you have Katherine Mayfair, who kept working because she feels like she's got nothing to do if she's not working and that is me EVERYTIME I have a day off.
AND you have Shawn Spencer in "Psych" who was on a date and he was preaching this chick about love and god, I've been doing that myself.
Maybe I've been watching too much TV series but somehow I can't help noticing a lot of similarities between those fictional characters and me and of course, it's always entertaining to watch how they deal with it and compare it with how I've dealt with mine.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The mousey in me
Angel.... it's homonymous for 'loud in the house' in Burmese. (Ain gae) Yeah I kinda saw the angel in me today. I was at my job interview with UN and I somehow morphed into this quiet hamster from a loud hiyena. It's not like I don't know two of the interviewers in there. I've talked to them and I've got one of them on my facebook friend list. But somehow I just felt so intimidated without any good reason and just had a bit of whispery version of me. Weird huh?
So, if I ever get this job, my resume will look awesomely attractive but the office space is totally small and people are somewhat packed in there. I'm also thinking I might need a laptop given I don't see anyone using desktops at all. The guard did describe the building as a pigeon hole. It does look like a two storey birdhouse, but only files as hay strips and people as birds (DUH). They asked me how much I would be able to work and I did a bit of a fast mathematics in my head. I said 2-3 months because up til now I haven't got any news from my lawyer regarding the Australian permanent residency and even if I do now, it'll take me a month to sort things out. So, if I only get anything from my lawyer in August, the whole of August would be spent with the process, which means by the end of September I would be able to get my ass outta Burma. But given I would like a HUGE word UN on my resume, I might as well work at least two months for them.
I finally called Craig up today. Couldn't bear to not care for him while he's having a hard time. I mean, come on, his grand-dad passed away and he told me that he's got this lung infection/pneumonia. So, yeah it was pretty good to hear his voice. Surprisingly he had this 'oh hi there my name is Willy Wonka' voice, normal and quite welcomey, not what I've been expecting. I was expecting a bit of a soggy cried out voice with the whole 'omg i'm sad'. So, yeah not knowing why, I was proud of his 'normal' behavior I guess.
It's tough, people! Love is such a chaotic thing. You try to do the right things and the wrong things, not knowing which is right or wrong and you wonder why some peple could do the same thing right while you get it wrong. You start questioning yourself and others. You start assuming and start living as others. You start to draw lines and circles around you and the other person. You start to wonder what the other person is up to, while forgetting about what you ARE doing in the present. To be honest, I'm not really sure if what I've done was wise or 'right', but I guess I'll pay for the consequences later. Dunno! Maybe he'll stay.. maybe he'll stray... I guess it's better NOT caring for the time being.
Sleep was nice. I slept like a vampire in Arabia and I caught up on a lot of Desperate Housewives episodes. Life is good! :D
So, if I ever get this job, my resume will look awesomely attractive but the office space is totally small and people are somewhat packed in there. I'm also thinking I might need a laptop given I don't see anyone using desktops at all. The guard did describe the building as a pigeon hole. It does look like a two storey birdhouse, but only files as hay strips and people as birds (DUH). They asked me how much I would be able to work and I did a bit of a fast mathematics in my head. I said 2-3 months because up til now I haven't got any news from my lawyer regarding the Australian permanent residency and even if I do now, it'll take me a month to sort things out. So, if I only get anything from my lawyer in August, the whole of August would be spent with the process, which means by the end of September I would be able to get my ass outta Burma. But given I would like a HUGE word UN on my resume, I might as well work at least two months for them.
I finally called Craig up today. Couldn't bear to not care for him while he's having a hard time. I mean, come on, his grand-dad passed away and he told me that he's got this lung infection/pneumonia. So, yeah it was pretty good to hear his voice. Surprisingly he had this 'oh hi there my name is Willy Wonka' voice, normal and quite welcomey, not what I've been expecting. I was expecting a bit of a soggy cried out voice with the whole 'omg i'm sad'. So, yeah not knowing why, I was proud of his 'normal' behavior I guess.
It's tough, people! Love is such a chaotic thing. You try to do the right things and the wrong things, not knowing which is right or wrong and you wonder why some peple could do the same thing right while you get it wrong. You start questioning yourself and others. You start assuming and start living as others. You start to draw lines and circles around you and the other person. You start to wonder what the other person is up to, while forgetting about what you ARE doing in the present. To be honest, I'm not really sure if what I've done was wise or 'right', but I guess I'll pay for the consequences later. Dunno! Maybe he'll stay.. maybe he'll stray... I guess it's better NOT caring for the time being.
Sleep was nice. I slept like a vampire in Arabia and I caught up on a lot of Desperate Housewives episodes. Life is good! :D
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Bitch from Yangon vs. Paul the Octopus
Spontaneity... it sounds so refreshing. I've never been to an art exhibition in Burma before but god, it's so interesting. It was just a room full of paintings from a lot of local artists. It was awesome and I just feel so proud to be Burmese just watching at the paintings. It's also funny how I feel confident about looking at a picture and ranking it. It's always safe to say 'this painting is ugly' when you can also accept that some people might think it's AWESOME! I just hope pretty soon, Burmese art would be more exposed globally.
Strand hotel snooker table is a pain in the ass. I'm not sure if the snooker balls are small or the table's huge but it's a long stretch to score. So when Maltesers and I played, it's exactly like World Cup 2010 Spain vs. Netherland for the final match. Boring and long. Not really boring for us both. It was nice to hang out with her again. It might seem like she's a substitute to Boss, but I do love her since Boss was around. It's also good to know that we're both 'one on one' hang out types.
Then we headed over to 50 street and had some food. Saw the gaywerewolf there. I hate that guy. He's not gay actually but he's been always poking fun at me and running stupid unfunny gay related pun liners at me just for the fun of it. He's ugly and fucked in the head. I think his name is Nathan or something. Fucktard!
The soccermatch between Spain and Holland was major tres boring. So, Paul the octopus has predicted right once again. Apparently there's another octopus in another country and some ostrich in some country. What is the world coming to!!!???!!! I don't know if there are any more members of the animal kingdom in any other country but a bitch in Yangon was just having a blast while the match between Spain and Holland snails on. By the bitch from Yangon, i was referring to me. Me and Beyonce (yes another friend who looks a bit like her) were just laughing our ass off during the intense game with Spain fans and Dutches around us at which player needs a haircut and which players would need to be shagged by anyone of us. Despite the long game, it was just fun being there and being dickheads. The manager of the hotel, who was Dutch, was not happy at all and I feel kinda bad for him given if this was Burmese team, I would've felt the same way as he did.
Ah well, it was a good Sunday to be had.
Strand hotel snooker table is a pain in the ass. I'm not sure if the snooker balls are small or the table's huge but it's a long stretch to score. So when Maltesers and I played, it's exactly like World Cup 2010 Spain vs. Netherland for the final match. Boring and long. Not really boring for us both. It was nice to hang out with her again. It might seem like she's a substitute to Boss, but I do love her since Boss was around. It's also good to know that we're both 'one on one' hang out types.
Then we headed over to 50 street and had some food. Saw the gaywerewolf there. I hate that guy. He's not gay actually but he's been always poking fun at me and running stupid unfunny gay related pun liners at me just for the fun of it. He's ugly and fucked in the head. I think his name is Nathan or something. Fucktard!
The soccermatch between Spain and Holland was major tres boring. So, Paul the octopus has predicted right once again. Apparently there's another octopus in another country and some ostrich in some country. What is the world coming to!!!???!!! I don't know if there are any more members of the animal kingdom in any other country but a bitch in Yangon was just having a blast while the match between Spain and Holland snails on. By the bitch from Yangon, i was referring to me. Me and Beyonce (yes another friend who looks a bit like her) were just laughing our ass off during the intense game with Spain fans and Dutches around us at which player needs a haircut and which players would need to be shagged by anyone of us. Despite the long game, it was just fun being there and being dickheads. The manager of the hotel, who was Dutch, was not happy at all and I feel kinda bad for him given if this was Burmese team, I would've felt the same way as he did.
Ah well, it was a good Sunday to be had.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
DEATH
Death does define everything. Death brings people back to life. Death wakes us up and gives a big slap on our faces back to reality. Death shook me back to sanity.
After I found out EBoo (my dog died today) and maybe it was because of this heavy conversation I had with CS last night, I find myself sitting in an internet cafe and thinking about life in general. The choices we make, the paths we choose or the things we do.
CS and talked last night and he was actually tipsy when he said this but I kinda admire that phrase. "I think people likes being sad". It's quite true. All of us always invites sadness into our lives to remind ourselves how happy we can be. And of course the irony is by avoiding sadness and pretending everything's fine, we are all inviting more drama into our lives.
Eboo's death somehow made me sad and much more lonelier I guess but I guess I'm enjoying time on my own.
I opened my inbox today to find Craig hasn't replied my emails. I felt a bit jaded. I felt a bit weird since I avoided him first and when I got back, he wasn't there. But then again, I just sighed to myself and laughed at it. I guess at this point, I'm a bit confused with what I got myself dealing with. Why the fuck did I ever choose to avoid him in the first place? Regrets, I guess. But well I don't really know anymore what's to become of us. I've given up looking into the future...
I kinda miss CS to be honest. I love conversation with him actually. About him and his divorced wife. About his life. We just have so much to talk about. And I love that he cares about what I said given he wrote in his email and asked me about Craig.
The whole sober thing has made me realize I have been relying on alcohol the past few weeks. I've been consuming alcohol to keep myself happy. To drink through my sad times. Once, my friend asked me how I manage to keep smiling and be happy. I guess I keep things bottled inside and drink it all off. I guess my second week of being sober has finally made me come in terms with sad things in my life. It was hard at first but gradually I'm beginning to exhale all of them out of my system.
Just like the convo I had with CS, I think we all like being sad.
I am quite sad right now but I know it's intentional and it's just what humans do in life.
After I found out EBoo (my dog died today) and maybe it was because of this heavy conversation I had with CS last night, I find myself sitting in an internet cafe and thinking about life in general. The choices we make, the paths we choose or the things we do.
CS and talked last night and he was actually tipsy when he said this but I kinda admire that phrase. "I think people likes being sad". It's quite true. All of us always invites sadness into our lives to remind ourselves how happy we can be. And of course the irony is by avoiding sadness and pretending everything's fine, we are all inviting more drama into our lives.
Eboo's death somehow made me sad and much more lonelier I guess but I guess I'm enjoying time on my own.
I opened my inbox today to find Craig hasn't replied my emails. I felt a bit jaded. I felt a bit weird since I avoided him first and when I got back, he wasn't there. But then again, I just sighed to myself and laughed at it. I guess at this point, I'm a bit confused with what I got myself dealing with. Why the fuck did I ever choose to avoid him in the first place? Regrets, I guess. But well I don't really know anymore what's to become of us. I've given up looking into the future...
I kinda miss CS to be honest. I love conversation with him actually. About him and his divorced wife. About his life. We just have so much to talk about. And I love that he cares about what I said given he wrote in his email and asked me about Craig.
The whole sober thing has made me realize I have been relying on alcohol the past few weeks. I've been consuming alcohol to keep myself happy. To drink through my sad times. Once, my friend asked me how I manage to keep smiling and be happy. I guess I keep things bottled inside and drink it all off. I guess my second week of being sober has finally made me come in terms with sad things in my life. It was hard at first but gradually I'm beginning to exhale all of them out of my system.
Just like the convo I had with CS, I think we all like being sad.
I am quite sad right now but I know it's intentional and it's just what humans do in life.
Friday, July 9, 2010
ManCrush
It was supposed to be a boys night out. It's been so long since I last hit the town with my boy(space) friends. The loggie from my office and the 'model', who is actually the manager of a hotel I once gave consultations at. Three of us decided to meet at 50 street. I went there early and as usual, I was very happy with the warm welcome the bartenders gave me. It was sweet. This was followed by this dude, who was sitting at the bar, who just started to talk to me. He looks like he was in his late twenties and an American accent. He does look good and proper but I guess I was just amazed at the sudden friendliness he possessed. I wasn't in the mood to flirt since Craig was on my mind, despite that I tried so hard to black him outta my mind the past few days. This dude was 29 (my age), divorced with his wife and was in Burma for three weeks or so.
CS(the dude) and I started talking and it was the best talk I've ever had in years. Platonic and click is such a rare combo but I just click with him a lot and I have to say we have the same views on a lot of stuffs. I ended up talking to him about Craig and he started talking to me about his divorced wife and I guess I just feel so comfortable with him and the convo was just awesome!
It's been a while since I had a mancrush on an individual. It's one of those platonic non-sexual type of love you feel for the same gender. Well, the same gender part is quite plain and easy for me since I'm gay (DUH) but the non-sexual and platonic part was just awesome. I haven't had that feelings for years. I've had best friends in my life but this dude, I just have a HUGE mancrush on him. And he really seems to enjoy talking to me. We talked from 8pm until 2am. Loggie and The Model was just sitting there talking to themselves. I even felt bad that I wasn't talking to them. But CS and I just couldn't stop talking.
I guess it was a highlight of today, given it's been dull and I really don't want to be in a bar sober but CS just saved my day I guess....
CS(the dude) and I started talking and it was the best talk I've ever had in years. Platonic and click is such a rare combo but I just click with him a lot and I have to say we have the same views on a lot of stuffs. I ended up talking to him about Craig and he started talking to me about his divorced wife and I guess I just feel so comfortable with him and the convo was just awesome!
It's been a while since I had a mancrush on an individual. It's one of those platonic non-sexual type of love you feel for the same gender. Well, the same gender part is quite plain and easy for me since I'm gay (DUH) but the non-sexual and platonic part was just awesome. I haven't had that feelings for years. I've had best friends in my life but this dude, I just have a HUGE mancrush on him. And he really seems to enjoy talking to me. We talked from 8pm until 2am. Loggie and The Model was just sitting there talking to themselves. I even felt bad that I wasn't talking to them. But CS and I just couldn't stop talking.
I guess it was a highlight of today, given it's been dull and I really don't want to be in a bar sober but CS just saved my day I guess....
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Days without Craig
I watched him go offline. I felt so lost. I felt like an incident I haven't told anyone but him when I was six. I was all alone. Half of me thinks this is the best thing to do but half of me knows I'm killing both of us.
I guess sometimes worst things lead to good things and I really want both of us to value each other. I guess, the result will show how much he loves me and how much I love him...
I don't know how many days it's gonna be but I'm gonna stay offline ON PURPOSE....
Hopefully this is not goodbye....
I guess sometimes worst things lead to good things and I really want both of us to value each other. I guess, the result will show how much he loves me and how much I love him...
I don't know how many days it's gonna be but I'm gonna stay offline ON PURPOSE....
Hopefully this is not goodbye....
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Hurt
It was hard.....
I hate to admit it but I'm a huge sucker when it comes to love. But as much as I love Craig a lot, I could not get the anger outta my system. It was more of fear. I just keep thinking that if I go soft on him this time, he'll be used to me being ok with him giving me the 'break up' comments. I really want to emphasize on how painful it was for me this time round. So, yeah.. it was hard cos my heart was not in it when I had to be mean to Craig but my head was totally in control.
I think I'm just at this stage where I don't know if I should puke out my feelings for him. I feel all the love in the world for him but is it worth showing? Is it worth spilling it out? Will I get hurt more in the future if he ever wants to dump me again? I don't know....
But JA's words have been circling inside my head. She asked me to just live life without thinking and enjoy what you have. I guess I get stubborn sometimes and I tend to think a lot. Then, I would plan a lot and I would shield myself into a shell. I guess I'm in this huge shell towards Craig and it'll take time to get outta it again....
I know.. one might say what is a relationship without honesty and openness..... the truth is, I don't know... I'm just scared to be hurt again... I'm not really ready to get hurt...
I hate to admit it but I'm a huge sucker when it comes to love. But as much as I love Craig a lot, I could not get the anger outta my system. It was more of fear. I just keep thinking that if I go soft on him this time, he'll be used to me being ok with him giving me the 'break up' comments. I really want to emphasize on how painful it was for me this time round. So, yeah.. it was hard cos my heart was not in it when I had to be mean to Craig but my head was totally in control.
I think I'm just at this stage where I don't know if I should puke out my feelings for him. I feel all the love in the world for him but is it worth showing? Is it worth spilling it out? Will I get hurt more in the future if he ever wants to dump me again? I don't know....
But JA's words have been circling inside my head. She asked me to just live life without thinking and enjoy what you have. I guess I get stubborn sometimes and I tend to think a lot. Then, I would plan a lot and I would shield myself into a shell. I guess I'm in this huge shell towards Craig and it'll take time to get outta it again....
I know.. one might say what is a relationship without honesty and openness..... the truth is, I don't know... I'm just scared to be hurt again... I'm not really ready to get hurt...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Lost it
I have always believed in love and I have always believed that I can love someone for a very long time. I have also believed that all that ever matters for anyone is the way you feel inside as opposed to the things you do.
Craig wanted to break things off. This is the second time. Things calmed down later but I'm gonna be living in fear of him chucking that in the future. I am so scared that things will be over one day.
I mean, if someone dares to break up with you, I guess it means it's over.
I've lost it.. everything I had
the passion
the persistence
the mind
the love....
I'm not really sure where I can find it back....
Craig wanted to break things off. This is the second time. Things calmed down later but I'm gonna be living in fear of him chucking that in the future. I am so scared that things will be over one day.
I mean, if someone dares to break up with you, I guess it means it's over.
I've lost it.. everything I had
the passion
the persistence
the mind
the love....
I'm not really sure where I can find it back....
Monday, July 5, 2010
Singer's side jobs
Being able to sing and write songs and produce songs is one thing. But being able to sell your product is one complete bitch of a hard work. I hate having to do what I don't want to be able to sell and also I hate following a trend I'm not comfortable with. It seems like my work, right now, is in the process of a good album making. I've heard almost all positive feedbacks from critiques BUT I've been thrown a lot of strategic moves to be able to be known this time round.
1. Use famous stars for my music videos. I am SO against that since I believe in spending less for better people. Working with friends is just so much better.
2. Have stars signing autographs for my album launch. That's kinda cool but I don't really want to invite stars that have NOTHING to do with me. I mean, those who are featured in my project are more than welcome to join in the signing autographs but those who have nothing to do with my music... why would I have to have them included?
3. Have a VCD/DVD music videos out for the WHOLE album. No! It's costy and I don't like all of my songs turned into music videos. I rather have videos for five main songs.
4. Distribute my album to radio stations. Agree!
5. Sell in rural areas. Hmm still thinking about that.
6. Have as much publicity as you can.
God, it's just so hard to be a singer. Why can't I just sing?
1. Use famous stars for my music videos. I am SO against that since I believe in spending less for better people. Working with friends is just so much better.
2. Have stars signing autographs for my album launch. That's kinda cool but I don't really want to invite stars that have NOTHING to do with me. I mean, those who are featured in my project are more than welcome to join in the signing autographs but those who have nothing to do with my music... why would I have to have them included?
3. Have a VCD/DVD music videos out for the WHOLE album. No! It's costy and I don't like all of my songs turned into music videos. I rather have videos for five main songs.
4. Distribute my album to radio stations. Agree!
5. Sell in rural areas. Hmm still thinking about that.
6. Have as much publicity as you can.
God, it's just so hard to be a singer. Why can't I just sing?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
An evening at SM and L's
My first day without the depended wall of social life, Boss, it was a bit scary! Like I've mentioned in the earlier blog, it was a bit hard to see who should I hang out with at this point of time, given I've completely ignore my other friends while I was having a blast with Boss. Hanging out with Boss was awesome since our combination does get attention from a lot of EXPATS (they call them.. just NGO people in general) and it's just funner when I'm around her.
But ah well, life does go on. So I decided to go to Maltesers' house. She was still in Maldives so basically it was SM and L's party. I was hoping CuteDork would come but he never showed up. It was even weirder since the party theme was more of a talent show and one of my other friend, Char, asked me to perform a song with her. It was Weird Al Yankovik's song, so I agreed to perform it.
Despite the lack of alcohol in my system and the lack of 'hang out buddies', the party did go well. A lot of people came. Gab came with this American dude, ThreeTesty, who told us a story about growing a third testicle on his scrotum at first meet with all of us. The highlight of the night was this dude called Dr No. Be it Dr No or Dr Know, this dude was thirty seven, who still lives with his mom. Not that it's a problem BUT he is incredibly annoying yet very entertaining.
I thought I was pretty open and un PC but god, after stories about a third testicle, Dr No told us about how he is insecure in his size department and that was why he does not date Caucasian chicks. Then, he went on about how sacrificing 10,000 people to kill themselves to regain Burma back to its original good condition. Listening to him, I feel this ultimate sympathy for his autistic behavior and such strong character without reasoning. This is not the first time I've seen a Burmese debate themselves to death. The Burmesees do have potentials to argue til they die, without ever listening to what others say. It's sad actually.
But yeah, Dr No was just majorly entertaining and he made my evening!!!
But ah well, life does go on. So I decided to go to Maltesers' house. She was still in Maldives so basically it was SM and L's party. I was hoping CuteDork would come but he never showed up. It was even weirder since the party theme was more of a talent show and one of my other friend, Char, asked me to perform a song with her. It was Weird Al Yankovik's song, so I agreed to perform it.
Despite the lack of alcohol in my system and the lack of 'hang out buddies', the party did go well. A lot of people came. Gab came with this American dude, ThreeTesty, who told us a story about growing a third testicle on his scrotum at first meet with all of us. The highlight of the night was this dude called Dr No. Be it Dr No or Dr Know, this dude was thirty seven, who still lives with his mom. Not that it's a problem BUT he is incredibly annoying yet very entertaining.
I thought I was pretty open and un PC but god, after stories about a third testicle, Dr No told us about how he is insecure in his size department and that was why he does not date Caucasian chicks. Then, he went on about how sacrificing 10,000 people to kill themselves to regain Burma back to its original good condition. Listening to him, I feel this ultimate sympathy for his autistic behavior and such strong character without reasoning. This is not the first time I've seen a Burmese debate themselves to death. The Burmesees do have potentials to argue til they die, without ever listening to what others say. It's sad actually.
But yeah, Dr No was just majorly entertaining and he made my evening!!!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Weather friend
I have this bad habit where I kinda treat friends like weather. I think it's bad cos it kinda lacks rules and it can be a result of being biased at times. So, what exactly do I mean by weather friends? It's just me hanging out with one person for like forever, then only to move on with another one once I get sick of hanging out with the previous one, or just left with no choice for this time round.
Boss is gone. Well, she's gone by now, back to Thailand and it's amazing how I've been totally hanging out with her. Without her, I kinda feel like going to these NGO-flavored parties feel a bit emptier and just no fun. I guess I've begun to depend on her a bit. As much as I'm the loud party animal type, I guess me being like that has been quite dependent on the fact that she was still around me..
I didn't feel like socializing and I felt like I couldn't go out anywhere anymore. How about my other friends? Well, given that I'm a weather friend type of person, it's been so long since I last hung out with my other friends that I don't really know where to start. What would I answer if they go 'What have you been up to?'. When the actual answer is 'totally not giving you time', I wouldn't know how guilty I would feel if I'd have to lie that I've been busy. Yes I've been busy but I haven't been prioritizing my time with them.
Ah well... I don't know what's gonna happen but as for now, I really don't wanna hang out anymore.
Boss is gone. Well, she's gone by now, back to Thailand and it's amazing how I've been totally hanging out with her. Without her, I kinda feel like going to these NGO-flavored parties feel a bit emptier and just no fun. I guess I've begun to depend on her a bit. As much as I'm the loud party animal type, I guess me being like that has been quite dependent on the fact that she was still around me..
I didn't feel like socializing and I felt like I couldn't go out anywhere anymore. How about my other friends? Well, given that I'm a weather friend type of person, it's been so long since I last hung out with my other friends that I don't really know where to start. What would I answer if they go 'What have you been up to?'. When the actual answer is 'totally not giving you time', I wouldn't know how guilty I would feel if I'd have to lie that I've been busy. Yes I've been busy but I haven't been prioritizing my time with them.
Ah well... I don't know what's gonna happen but as for now, I really don't wanna hang out anymore.
Friday, July 2, 2010
The last days of a party animal
Everyone in the spotlight deserves their fall, and once you're among the top, you know that you're gonna have a deep decline at one point. I've gained my fair share of popularity when it comes to parties. Despite the fact that I've never actually intentionally try to grab the spotlight, I was usually noticed and appreciated. Maybe it's the openly gayness among Burmese or the fact that I speak a lot about all the things in life but I did have a fair share of good moments of attention.
I have promised Craig that I would do dry July with him and it's been going well. Second day of the month, July, which turned out to be the first Friday of the month, which means a big event at the British Club. It was supposed to be good tonight since my ex-supervisor from Italy is in town. Once known as the Whipper on my blog, I did miss her lots and I was more than happy that she's gonna be there, as well as Boss. Two people I've met since the start of work, it was supposed to be an awesome night. The only downfall was the fact that Boss will be leaving the day after.
When we finally got there, I was just so boring. I sat in the corner of a room on the sofa just keeping quiet and sipping on my water bottle. Maybe it was the effect of seeing all these supervisors of the analysis team leaving me after work around 5pm? Maybe it's cos I know I would be the only person in my office room starting from next week? Or maybe it was the non-alcohol?
Well, I kinda thought that I would've been a bit better if only I had alcohol in my system and the fact that it made me think that I'm no fun without alcohol depressed me more. I was one of those people where people would give comments like 'Oh Hein, you don't need alcohol to be happy, do ya?' and look at me now..... just sat up on a sofa in the corner of a room with a water bottle in his hand.
I've lost it... it's my fall now.
I have promised Craig that I would do dry July with him and it's been going well. Second day of the month, July, which turned out to be the first Friday of the month, which means a big event at the British Club. It was supposed to be good tonight since my ex-supervisor from Italy is in town. Once known as the Whipper on my blog, I did miss her lots and I was more than happy that she's gonna be there, as well as Boss. Two people I've met since the start of work, it was supposed to be an awesome night. The only downfall was the fact that Boss will be leaving the day after.
When we finally got there, I was just so boring. I sat in the corner of a room on the sofa just keeping quiet and sipping on my water bottle. Maybe it was the effect of seeing all these supervisors of the analysis team leaving me after work around 5pm? Maybe it's cos I know I would be the only person in my office room starting from next week? Or maybe it was the non-alcohol?
Well, I kinda thought that I would've been a bit better if only I had alcohol in my system and the fact that it made me think that I'm no fun without alcohol depressed me more. I was one of those people where people would give comments like 'Oh Hein, you don't need alcohol to be happy, do ya?' and look at me now..... just sat up on a sofa in the corner of a room with a water bottle in his hand.
I've lost it... it's my fall now.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
All good things come to an end
The month of July always gives me a bit of a chill down my spine for some reason. Maybe it's cos it's that time of year I add a number to my age? I'll never know. 2010 July seems a bit calm, I guess. This month promises me nothing but the end of work and the beginning of more focus on my career, which will no longer be a sidejob anymore. It kinda scares me as well since it makes me wonder if I'll be as hard working as before given I have more free time now. The whole career itself scares me as well. What if I got no audience? What if people don't like me? What if I'm not accepted?
Speaking of acceptance, I guess this month is also yet another month worth thinking about any hope of getting back to Aussieland. So, if I ever see the name "Anna" in my inbox, I should get REALLY excited. This month is also the time to say goodbye to some of those I really love and would've hoped to have more time with them. This month would also be the time when I hang out with my old friends again and catch up.
Yet another phase change, Hein? It's always like this....
Speaking of acceptance, I guess this month is also yet another month worth thinking about any hope of getting back to Aussieland. So, if I ever see the name "Anna" in my inbox, I should get REALLY excited. This month is also the time to say goodbye to some of those I really love and would've hoped to have more time with them. This month would also be the time when I hang out with my old friends again and catch up.
Yet another phase change, Hein? It's always like this....
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