DEATH

Death does define everything. Death brings people back to life. Death wakes us up and gives a big slap on our faces back to reality. Death shook me back to sanity.

After I found out EBoo (my dog died today) and maybe it was because of this heavy conversation I had with CS last night, I find myself sitting in an internet cafe and thinking about life in general. The choices we make, the paths we choose or the things we do.

CS and talked last night and he was actually tipsy when he said this but I kinda admire that phrase. "I think people likes being sad". It's quite true. All of us always invites sadness into our lives to remind ourselves how happy we can be. And of course the irony is by avoiding sadness and pretending everything's fine, we are all inviting more drama into our lives.

Eboo's death somehow made me sad and much more lonelier I guess but I guess I'm enjoying time on my own.
I opened my inbox today to find Craig hasn't replied my emails. I felt a bit jaded. I felt a bit weird since I avoided him first and when I got back, he wasn't there. But then again, I just sighed to myself and laughed at it. I guess at this point, I'm a bit confused with what I got myself dealing with. Why the fuck did I ever choose to avoid him in the first place? Regrets, I guess. But well I don't really know anymore what's to become of us. I've given up looking into the future...

I kinda miss CS to be honest. I love conversation with him actually. About him and his divorced wife. About his life. We just have so much to talk about. And I love that he cares about what I said given he wrote in his email and asked me about Craig.

The whole sober thing has made me realize I have been relying on alcohol the past few weeks. I've been consuming alcohol to keep myself happy. To drink through my sad times. Once, my friend asked me how I manage to keep smiling and be happy. I guess I keep things bottled inside and drink it all off. I guess my second week of being sober has finally made me come in terms with sad things in my life. It was hard at first but gradually I'm beginning to exhale all of them out of my system.

Just like the convo I had with CS, I think we all like being sad.
I am quite sad right now but I know it's intentional and it's just what humans do in life.