Mid Life Crisis

One year ago, I was pretty confused about my life. I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. Naive yet hopeful for my permanent residency in Australia, I just soldiered on like life was a piece of cake. And might I add, a sponge cake came to mind since it looks disgusting yet people love to eat it. So, I guess life, despite its ugliness, has its reward and I could somehow feel the spotlight and the gratefulness from it.

Today, as I was watching Desperate Housewives (yes yes yes I know I've been totally couch potatoing myself to this guilty pleasure of 'four days per season' binge-DVD-ing.), I began to realize that I am facing a mid life crisis.

In all honesty, I do NOT know the digit to have this mid life crisis but all I know is the fact that I'd be facing it soon enough, given my age is gonna raise me up to yet another decade. Despite the valueless big zero at the back of a number, the whole number is pretty tough to justify the actual value that comes with it.

The fact that I do not know the actual number for the mid life crisis made me feel a bit dumb. However, the dinner I had with CS and Maltesers totally gave me a huge slap in the face. I was bored the whole day. I finished two presentations for work and I was bored in my office room. Wait, it's not even my office room anymore since they used my office room as a store room now, given we are at this pack-up phase. So, I was in a shared office room with my colleagues the whole afternoon on my day off. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my colleagues and this does NOT include that menopausal biyatch, Aunty. As I was sitting there forcing myself to come up with a plan to fill my spots for the day, I realized nothing amazes me anymore.

I have a good boyfriend, who I can't be with. I did well in a job interview, which promised me I would NOT be jobless EVEN for a day after this. I have a permanent residency approval waiting to be signed by the immigration dude (or a dudette) with a qualified mark for the marking system. I have a family who can't wait to shop with me in Thailand and to buy me the laptop I desperately need for work. I have a fifth album in the making, which is looking good at the moment.

I've been a spoilt brat and I guess I'm sick of it. The worst thing is the fact that I didn't actually sweat much for all of the above. It's true I've faced a lot of drama in my life, those I never thought I could've survived throughout. I've learnt a lot of good things that made me the person I am. I find it easy to make friends, especially after I shaped myself up to be the near-perfect person that I already am socially.

During dinner, Maltesers and CS clicked a lot to the point I felt this green eyed monster in me. CS is a dude who I would so love to shag with if only I didn't have the man I love in my life and if only he was into the same gender as I was. I am NOT saying I want to have sex with him because he's hot. In fact, I do not even feel any type of horniness for him as we speak and I can't help thinking Craig is the only person who would turn me on. But, I DO look up to CS. I still have a mancrush on him. Things he said. Things he does. It's just things I'm still learning to pick up. CS is this dude who could converse with almost anyone. He studies politics in China (although he's actually from Austin, Texas) and he's 29. Slightly older than me but his way of communication is one of his attractive assets. Strongly opinionated, laid back and very confident about himself and the things he's done and not really influenced with his past nor the future, this dude was just someone I would want to be. Maltesers, on the other hand, IS a strong woman who believes in changes. She believes in efficiency of causes. She is a fighter with 'time' and she believes that anything can happen for the better. She's also 29 and she's working in UN-related jobs.

Both of them seems to be so heavily indulged in this conversation about making my country a better place. My reaction? Shame!! It's not like I do not believe in my country getting better but when it comes to things that would cause changes, I find 'risk' as a very scary factor. I'm more of an introvert when it comes to sharing my view about my surroundings and wording them out. I'm the type of person who likes starting a sentence with "you might think I'm wrong but...". It came to the point where I could not contribute anything in the conversation between these two people. Two brave people, with career or a plan. While I scribble things on my planner like a studio date, these two were talking about the future which is in their hands.

The future that I hold is only of mine. Not even my family or my friends'. To make things worse, the future that I hold is still mostly dependent on those who are still able to feed me. My folks! I'm still lost and confused.

While a lot of 23+ people are becoming entrepreneurs or having kids in their lives, I'm still stuck with a career that is not totally out of my own account (and it's an unstable climb in the music industry) and a boyfriend who I would have to measure up to if I want to feel right. I do know I'm a fighter but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I would be fighting for. I'm the one who used to say age is a number but god, might I also add that a number is of values. And with every values comes a responsbility, respective and of various diversities.

As I lie down on my bed tonight, I feel like I want to make a change. I want to become a better person. I want to have a rank or title at work that means something. I want a salary of high zeroes. I want a game face that would fool any men. I want a boyfriend who I could have a symbiotic relationship with. I want a family I want to take care of. I want to have a charity booth that can save a thousand lives, then million. I want to be able to hold the world in my hand. I want to scoff at people who compares Prada bags to their religious figures. I want to be able to climb to the roof of my own house to scrape off the leaves that would fall on the pipeline. I want to conquer my fear. I want a group of people who respects the way I am, not by the way I dress or the dance moves I come up with, nor by the pure heart that I have in me, but just the things I can do to change my life and positively affect others.

I am ready to face my deepest fear. It'll be yet another fucked up journey but God, I feel the itch.
I want to overcome that greatest fear........ gambling...

I want to gamble with life.