Do Good and Let Others Speak

The case at work with Aunty has become from a drama case to a five years old's rant. At first, I was pretty shocked by her behaviors towards me and work. But after she assured me that it has nothing personal to do with me, I kinda gave her a leeway to communicate with me as per usual.

So, recapping.... at first she was offended at how I got to give the presentation on ground rules, which was not actually about ground rules. I tried really hard to make sure I don't step on her toes and Boss has apologized to her so many times on the wrong terminology used for the name of the presentation. "Hein's not giving a presentation on presentation and he's only giving a guideline on technical training". Get it? TECHNICAL TRAINING. That involves me.

Then, she came and talked to me and said 'This has nothing to do with you personally', to which I've answered 'I'm just doing my job' and to which she shut up. Then, to ToyBoss, she said she felt left out.

So, the new thing now is how she's not happy that I get to give a presentation on "Household Roster". Now that's a technical thing. I was talking about how one must remember things and to fill out the questionnaire quickly to save time. I heard feedback that I did a great job and I felt good about it. This is just becoming too much.

I feel like she's jealous of me when I'm not even trying to do anything to get ahead of her. She's still on top of me, but she's NOTHING technical. Just because I have to take care of her team on technical things, she got jealous. BOss thinks that she has a huge grudge with something deeper than what she's been saying but since I was the easy target, she's been going on and on about me.

I did try to be nice to her today and the reaction was lame. She couldn't look me in the eyes and her response was just rude. To those who are reading this, I've got a case of babysitting a 50 year old lady who I have respected so much in the past.

It's funny and amazing what ego can do to you. I mean, if she didn't have a problem with me, why the uneasiness. Here I am trying to resolve things and be professional despite her immature complaints about me.

On the other hand, I'm glad ToyBoss and Boss are not siding or feeling sorry for anyone at the moment...

As I've said before, I'm doing good and letting others speak!!!

SNAP!

When I was directing revue last year, i ended up playing good cop. I wasn't that tough of a person and I was always the smiley one. I have always wished I was as strong as my other two directors-in-crime haha but I ended up being the softee mother until one day. I snapped and had a big wah at the cast members and the rest of the day was silence.

Today, during the training, I snapped. I didn't get angry or get impatient but I got a bit disappointed. After four presentations which I have prepared until 2am the night before, I was assured that the enumerators understood the importance of our assessment.

Today, someone shouted while the whole room was covered with question. He shouted something like "Who cares what the question asks just keep asking what you normally do". HE DOES have a point BUT the thing was.... it has been wrong all along. Because people don't read the field guide (the kit to do the questionnaires), they had no idea which is right or wrong and they ended up doing wrong things. So, yeah, I got annoyed and I snapped at them and gave them this smackdown speech. As predicted, the room went silent and I didn't have that much of talkers to me.

I guess I sometimes unintentionally expect too much out of people. But even if I hadn't, I guess it was important to let them know the importance of the work we're all doing.

I'm tired.
I miss Craig.
and I need sleep.
Peace

Moment of Truth: The other side of Aunty

The last thing I needed after staying up until 1am to work on four presentations was getting talked behind my back at work. I've always had this instinct that Aunty is not really appreciating my rise at work and she's somehow treating me like a toe stepper.

So, we've got teams and she takes charge of the operational side. I take care of the technical side and since the training was called 'TECHNICAL TRAINING', I was asked to do an introductory ground rules speech. Now, in the schedule it was written 'setting ground rules' and Aunty thought that I was gonna tell the group to behave.

To be honest, that's not my job. I was just going to tell them what to ask and what to do in the training and it was the technical training anyways.

So, this time, Aunty asked Boss why I was doing assessment level work. Then, she told me that she has nothing personal against me. Then, she told ToyBoss that she just wants to be heard.

The thing here is my work assessment does NOT wait. It's a project with a given timeline and all we gotta do is strive on and not get emotionally strayed or fucked. I stay up late, I work hard, I miss chats with my boyfriend but NEVER have I ever complained or let that affect me. I have no idea what this menopause was going on about but she obviously has issues with me. The sad thing is the fact that I still treat her with respect and I'm ready to collaborate whenever I can.

I just find it the right time to work together and to stop sulking and finding justifications. At work, it's only fair to have a negative backlash for any argument given and it's only fair enough to treat work as work and not let emotional fuck up ruin any relationship between you and your colleague.

It reminded me of the time when Aunty said "Oh I just do what they ask. I just do my work". So, when she said "I have nothing against you. You are like my son", I told her "I just do my work". Then, she went quiet.

Seriously, I have so much drama on my own but I'm very professional at work. It's even better that I have a career to maintain which means I have NO TIME to put her in my mind. I have a family to give time to, who don't live together by the way. I have a boyfriend who needs me most of the time. I have friends I have to keep in touch to keep myself sane and our relationships strong. Aunty's issue is so not worth the thought. Get with the program or die trying!

On another note, my presentations went well and my Boss was proud of me. That kinda made me smile and my boyfriend's email at the end of the day made me smile too. So yeah, fuck drama!

Sadness

We're all driven by sadness. Some people face sadness everyday, regardless of their acceptance or not. Some people like to be aware of such a thing just so that by the time it hits them, they won't have to think much of it. Some still believes in fighting it. Some waits for temporary thing called happiness to come heal them. Some people just smile at it... cos that's the best thing they can do...

I woke up today at around 9am to go work at Boss's place. I couldn't get online and I just felt like shit cos I knew I wouldn't be able to talk with Craig like I normally could. It got worse when I had to finish two field guides and two questionnaires on my own. I had to teach myself how to use livecycle software. I had to work on translations without the dictionary. At the same time, Boss and I were ranting about work. This is not new.

It so happened at some point that Boss started being really different to me. I guess my stress level was showing. But somehow, I knew amidst all this, I was gonna have a good day. A good day because I'm gonna get something which Craig gave me via Thi, since she just got back from Sydney yesterday. I bit my lips and worked on. Boss started lecturing me in between but I was speechless when she said 'your fear gets on my nerve.'. No, I was not offended. She just spelt out my personality AGAIN.

I realized that I can be forced to face myself sometimes, especially when I wasn't ready to. I remember my ex flatmate used to tell me that I should have some time on my own to reflect myself and learn about myself. I did. But, just like life, I always end up learning new things about myself. Boss went on and on until I got teary. She said that I was doing a job of three people all at once and that I play a pretty important role at work. She also asked me to stand up for my rights at times. I told her I don't really know what's right or wrong but I just don't like to fail at what I'm doing. She told me to do it without fear. Fear! It gets to me. She said I have so much potential and the only thing that is stopping me is my fear. She's right. I worked the next three hours quiet.

At 4:30, I was supposed to meet "Noir", my high school friend. Now, back in high school, Noir came in as a weird kid. He was a nice kid to be honest but we all bullied the shit outta him. I bullied him because I was no longer the bullied one and the flag has been passed along to this new kid. We paid him out but it was just easy no matter how much we tried to be nice to him. I could only get to him around 5:25pm. HS was there. HS was a cool kid in school and he's still a cool guy but with a good job, a wife and a son, it was just me, him, Noir and Noir's brother just sipping on coffee and beer which me and HS shared the bills for. We were being nice to Noir.

Then, after that I met Thi and I finally opened the little bag that Craig sent me. I looked inside. I couldn't get my head up for a while. I got confused and then I read the card with the gift. Two ties and a "tiffany and co" platinum ring with the number 3 6 9 and 12 on it. Yes, I'm a big sucker for reading things to detail. I spent the rest of my night talking to Thi and just conversing about other things. Catching up.. it felt awesome.

Then, I went back to Boss's place around 9pm and worked til 10:30pm. I FINALLY got what I've been working more than seven days for in Bangkok and Burma. I FINALLY killed the software and accomplished what was to be done. I felt this huge sensational happiness down my spine.

I talked with Noir the whole night. At first I thought it was guilt. For some reason, I realized that one part of him remains the same and it's this part that doesn't really have an adjective for. It's a bit of awkwardness which we made fun of when we were kids. Did that scar him? Did that affect his life now? I never know. But later I realized that I actually enjoyed talking to him....

After the talk, I learnt that all of us are living under fear or sadness but each and everyday we do things to make the day somehow memorable and worth having. I know right now, Noir would be trying to sleep thinking about why on earth he is still single; I told him about my five whole years being single where I slut myself and got lost. Boss would be sleeping by now; we both know how work can kill us but yet we live on each other's efforts for motivations and happiness and I did mention that if it wasn't for her, I would not be this happy and motivated at work. Thi would be sleeping now; we both know we're both dealing with different things that people had not done. She wanted me to come back to Sydney, I wanted to and we both just want to make our love lives a bit more colorful. Craig would be asleep by now; I'm sure he would be not that happy with not being able to chat to me and wondering what I would think about his package.

Sadness... it's a part of me and I've accepted it and I'm still hopeful for good things to come. I would be asleep in a few minutes but it feels good to sniff the ring that Craig gave and cry for a while. I cried. I cried cos life isn't fair. I cried cos I was sad. I cried cos he loves me and I love him yet we're far apart. We all go to bed somehow hoping tomorrow brings a better solution or an event to make us numb the pain inside.

Sadness.... it's not harmful at all at times. To me, it brings me back to earth and appreciate little things like having a ring that my boyfriend used to wear which means a lot to him. I shall keep it with me til I meet him. I love you, Craig and I don't know what to say other than that to express how you've made me feel each and everyday.

I'm going to go to bed right now and I'm sure there will be something to make me feel better tomorrow as well as sadness lurking from the corner to make us appreciate and look out for the next day, which we all hope to be better.

P.S. this is not a negative view on life. I've just come to accept it and like I said, I could smile for now cos that's all I can do.

One Week of Reflection

When you feel like you don't really know what to do in life, the best solution would be to sleep it off. Some of us failed to notice that our minds work better after a sound sleep. It's not like I haven't been sleeping but it's been a while since I've felt peaceful. Five days, extended to seven days in Bangkok, had got me more depressed than ever. It was a mixture of everything rolled in at once. Avoiding repititions in my blog entry, I guess it's nice to have gone through a lot. This is not the first time that I have admitted I have been through a lot, especially on my blog. I guess it would be a ongoing thing, unavoidable yet gradual occurence at its best.

I've worked in a team before. I've led them. Revue might not seem like a big deal for some but it has been for me. Maybe it would be too biased of me to say it was because of the people in it and the fact that we all want to have that mentality where everything we do is the best. I guess the only thing that matters is that I've given my best shot. Impact would be more reasonable enough to why I treat Revue with so much respect and my starting point.

When you're a good person to a lot of people, you tend to ask yourself if you're either a crowd pleaser or a fake. I guess I've had a fair share of those two, sometimes combined but in all honesty, I KNOW for a fact that I like sticking to my guns and keeping things as real as possible. I directed revue at my peak point. More friends and more popularity in the revue crowd, I risked directing a show. It was more than a co-incidence that I worked with two other good names as partners. We were on the same wavelength and we love each other. Three of us did mature and get a lot out of it but while we were doing it, it was awesome. I did say I 'risked' it because when you're in the high, it's either a long fall or yet another unexpectable climb. I don't know what it was but I guess the whole 'have to leave Australia' did spark a lot of attentions. These attentions too strong to let the people actually decide whether they go on being my friends or not.

Now, in this battlefield of a so called work force where a lot of the people are doing anything to help others, it's only fair enough to compare our lives to a high school. I normally tell people how one of my favorite movies was "Mean Girls". People would either cringe at it or agree to a certain degree. My point was the fact that despite it being a Lindsay Lohan movie and a teenage flick, Tina Fey's message was NOT to be taken lightly. She resembled the characters of Mean Girls to life itself. In the same way, I compare my life at work these days to high school.

It surprised the shit out of me at first but later I learnt that age has NOTHING to do with maturity. Brought up in an Asian country, I find it quite hard to disagree that elders might NOT be as wise as they should be. Some of us manage to learn things and instead of learning more, we would fool ourselves to thinking this was all there is to learn in life. The ego and the stubborness does stop us from knowing more and judging others who disagree as 'rebels' or 'villains'. Stress does play a huge role at work. I could compare my workload to a seventh grader in high school with an assignment to write an essay on "A Tale of Two Cities". If I was asked to write that now, I would smirk or just give a bit of a 'wtf' at the offer but for a seventh grader, it would be as stressful as the three presentations, one catch up email, two field guides and of course the same old work political social game that I'm given now to play. I can't complain. That would only waste my time.

It sounds a bit poetic or just weird but motivations do come from drama. After hearing my mom cry, I was forced to think if it was her guilt or happiness. Does she feel useless or helpless about herself? The fact is, I support her 100% no matter what she does or feel. So, I guess hearing her cry on the phone made me realize is life is more than just me alone on my own. I got two baggages, my mom and sister, who I care about. It's not my guilt but they are just a part of me and anything happens to them would kill that part of me I have for them within me.

The welcome felt warm today as I came out of the airport. My grandparents were proud of me. The risk of taking my gay porn out of my suitcase to my room was quite funny and I was happy to be home in my room. After a seven hours sleep and a talk with my boyfriend on the phone, I just know what I have to do.

The mixture of those which happened in this one week:- the realization of my love for my boyfriend, my mom's sorrow, the nature and the ugly truth of work social circuit, the bad side to nostalgia, the workload of stress and my role at work... I guess they all sum up to one thing. I have put this up on facebook before and I like it. I got it from Boss actually but it just sounds so good and perfect for my situation. Now that I know what role I have to play and what I have to do/plan for the future, the little voice in my head is on repeat.

And it's saying "Do good and let others talk".

Dealing with Life

I am a workaholic yes it's true. But as mentioned in the previous blog entry, I'm beginning to get sick of it. The thing here is, that won't solve anything. When you have this pile of bricks that you keep laying in front of you and you have been laying brick by brick as you go along. Then, all of a sudden, the bricks fall apart. What do you do? I would just start piling a new brick pile.

My patience ran thin today when I was working with Boss. She was grumpy and I was tired. That two combination got us shouting at each other in a cafe shop over our two laptops, sipping on our latte and cappuccino. Her micro management was pissing me off and her command began to worsen from a 'can you do this report again' to a 'can you actually put a comma there'. It was unbearable. At some point, I felt like I could just quit.

I looked at her. My boss. I respect and love her and what was happening to her at that moment just turned her into my definition of 'ugly'. I can't really remember that image now but I just got way affected by her micro managing. Then, I shut my eyes and asked myself 'why did I love this creature? Why did I respect her?'. At a velocity of 10000 thought streams per microsecond, I opened up my eyes after a two seconds of shut eyes and I began to type. From me doing a report and telling her to check to her dictating and me typing her words, my ego had lost its flow. Second meanings didn't count. We are a team. I just can't let this moment fail me or her. It's either I collaborate or both of us fail. So, I started to type down everything she dictated.

The funny thing there was despite her micro management, her words were graspable. I could sink whatever she said into my head. I knew my method was correct but I could also be very acceptable of her approach. She graduated in "Communications" and I am an IT dude. She's been doing this job for more than ten years. Why the fuck not would I want to respect her and listen to her? Yes, it's true sometimes I might have a better idea than she does but she was on a roll and the best thing to do was agree with her and keep at it.

From an argument to an agreed rant in the cafe, Boss and I became closer than ever. I told her that her micro management was annoying but I also told her that I have learnt a lot from her. Working is being professional isn't it? If you decide to befriend your colleagues, the last thing you would wanna do is to affect the friendship with work material. After work is done, no matter how much of your negotiations fail or your arguments failing, a friend is a friend. We had a good dinner together and I was off to work with Shamrock.

The reason why my week in Thailand had become so stressful was because Boss and I were working under two big bosses and one expert. The expert, Shamrock, DOES know his shit. The two big bosses are also two respectful individuals. The thing here was the fact that me and Boss were asked to help Shamrock with work, following the instructions from the two big bosses, ToyBoss and ManName ( the scientist I worked with during PR III ). ToyBoss and ManName have managed to keep diplomacy at its best in emails. It's good for the relationship between them but it wasn't good enough for me, Shamrock and Boss. Three of us just wanted to see flags and not a discussion over high tea. We did NOT get affirmative decisions and we were stuck with assumptions of suggestions and recommendations being the final decisions. The fact that we were working while everyone was on holidays also sucked our spirits away. It was hard. But Shamrock is my brother after all. ToyBoss is someone I have found my new respect for and ManName has ALWAYS been there for me to tell me that I AM a strong individual. So I would just have to come up with a strategy to not side anyone here and to play safe.

Amidst all this, I got an email from Aunty, which was addressed and 'cc'ed to everyone at work. Now... I'm working here during my holiday and there she was emailing everyone away subtly and indirectly trying to imply that I am NOT qualified to be someone who would give presentations. I am ready to collaborate with her. I respect her field and I would not interfere but I think it's about time this fifty year old Burmese woman to finally get the idea into her thick head that 'respect does NOT come with age'. The burmese hierarchy shit is dead, woman! Get with the program! The email made me sick in the head since it was worthless crying over a disapproval from someone with such a small brain and a thick head. I'm ready to be her friend and the ball is in her court. Strike it hard and make me proud or just fucking lose your role in your job!

After all this, I finally got to talk with my mom on the phone. It was warm. I forgot how healthy and comfortable it makes me feel to hear her voice. After a few catch ups, she started to cry. It was painful to hear her cry. A widow mother of two who is helpless but who is surviving with her two kids working their asses off, I guess she felt guilty. But the thing was.. she's done more than she could. She could've left me and my sister after our dad died. My dad died and left us all in misery. I don't hate him and I still love him but it just teaches me to be a stronger individual than he was. I would NEVER walk out on my kids and I would fight to keep myself in check with my life until I know that my kids won't have to struggle... financially and mentally. If you ask me, my mom is a fighter. If I were my mom, I would've killed myself. She's fought too many battles in her life and I just think it's time to give her the rocking chair and her rose garden. It's about time she enjoys it but the deal here is the rocking chair and the rose garden is still in process. My sister fighting her divorce off and working hard and me waiting attentively for my PR in Australia and working hard, we both are struggling to support our mom but at the same time, to save ourselves.

Life is so funny. We cry for so many things in our lives but do we actually do anything to make things better? My mom tried. My sister is trying and I am beginning to know the purpose of my role in this life. Fight the shit outta things and to stop crying over spilt milk. Fuck drama! give me some storylines and I will act my role as perfect as I can. Like it or not, that's not for me to care!

Work Spunk

Now, if anyone knows me, they would know how crazily workaholic I am. I get defensive when one would offend about me working too hard. I would always prioritize work and would never back down when I'm given the offer to work. The worst thing is my stubbornness. How I can be so stubborn and never give up until I achieve something or finish what I started. So, this kinda enables me NOT TO say 'NO' at work but also at the same time, TRY to do it right as opposed to nodding my head and accepting anything beyond my reach. Abilitywise, if thai pubchicks can open bottles with their vijayjays, i can do anything.

The thing here is.. I AM getting tired.... stressed morelike..

The following might sound like a big fat brag but trust me.. I am not being a show off. It's just the truth.

It started with rain. I heard some tap dancers on my window, which turned out to be monsoon making his huge entrance. So, finally it rained. As nostalgically cozy to sleep in my room while it rain as it seems, it kinda depressed me a bit.

Then, it was full on work and there was just a LOT OF conflicts all around. So, Shamrock wants me to be his assistant but Boss is not sure if I would be needed. All of a sudden, Boss asked me to work on three documents+presentation and Shamrock asked me to translate thirty questions. Then, I noticed I've got shit load on my plate. Then, I started stressing out.

Let alone being in a very holiday place to work, I have just so much to do. It's a great feeling that I'm wanted and especially given I'm in the middle of a tug of war with my bosses on the ends. But, on the other hand, I do feel like I need to sleep and lie down just for a while.

But on the other hand, I am quite proud of my work and I would do anything to get noticed or get recommendations or notice. If work was Oxford Street, I feel like a spunk at the moment. So, for the time being, despite my stress, I'm all willing to work.

But let's see how long I can do this......

The Workaholic Party

Working within a given time with no resource to go to can be such a pain in the ass. I mean, let alone working within a given six days but DURING a holiday. I seriously hope people would actually check their emails and just reply us. I mean, yes it's unfair for me to expect people to read their emails during holiday time BUT seriously, we're asking a one phrase answer question.

So, my life has been stuck in my hotel room and my supervisor, Shamrock's office room and once in a while if Boss is in the mood, she drives me to places. Shopping with her is surprisingly refreshing. We both seem to have the same taste in clothes, despite our diverse difference in men.. which is actually useful which means we don't have to go for the same guy. Yeah, but then I'm married but that was an 'if' statement. On the other hand, Shamrock and his booze attacks have been turning me into a beer bloat! I look like grandma's cooked muffin left over under spilled coke. All mushy and kinda spoilt for anyone's liking. Yes, it's extra hours when I get back to Yangon.

So, work this morning was just fast. It was quite exhausting but it went by fast. Given I started from 9 am and only by 5pm I realized I had not eaten lunch. Then, Boss took me to a nearby restaurant. Then, Shamrock and his wife, NiceGreek (since she's greek descendant and she's awesomely nice), held a party at their place.

It was a bit intimidating at first. I was with my black t shirt and white boardies and you've got people from US UNDP and all those important places in black t shirts and blue jeans (casual goodness) with strong branded cologne sunken deep in their skin. For some reason, out of five men including me (ok.. I meant four and a half), this KFC lookalike guy was the ONLY one who wasn't wearing black. The rest were all dressed in black t-shirts. I was the black sheep with the white boardies but the rest were in blue jeans. It's like a boyband in Shamrock's house.

Guest list was quite random but they're good people. We've got Shamrock's boss, who looks and talks a bit like Alanis Morissette and can you believe it.. she IS Canadian too. She's got her husband who is going through a two months therapy because of a bicycle accident. Brazilian and quite friendly and loud, I think he is ok. Only sucks that whatever that comes outta his mouth is like a CNN channel on repeat. "Have you heard about this woman president?"... "Have you been to Sudan"... "Have you..." I just nodded and smiled, with the whole "I do know the atlas by heart" look. He wanted to keep in touch with me cos he might be coming to Burma. Boy, if only he knows that would involve me reading shit load of Burmese historical books just to satisfy his thirst for rich country info. Ok, so we got this another dude, who would qualify as one of the characters in Seinfield. Not bad looking but he has this capsule face (the face that co-stars in drama medical tv series has) and he's witty and quite blendable. He was a good conversationalist as well. You know.. Americans.. they're good with what they talk about. Then, there was Colonel Sanders... a Willie Nelson look a like who seems intrigued about what I was doing with Shamrock. I don't know.. I was on my seventh glass of wine when I overheard him talking with Shamrock about my working skills. "Oh.. he's good"... "he's fast"... yeah.. how about a 'get me a job that pays high', huh?

Now, the most interesting part of the night was when I got to know this Puerto Rican. I'm a huge sucker for Spanish but that wasn't why I love this chick. She's just awesome and we were just two crazy shitballs on a formal table. Two people talking about how unfair it was for cows to have four stomachs and six tits, how chicken ass is a delicacy in Asia unless there's real shit involved and also about the myth that Spanish men have small peni. I love this girl!! She was just awesome and we were laughing most of the time in front of our bosses. Colonel Sanders, Seinfield and NiceGreek were all her boss and Shamrock and Boss were mine. Did we behave? Not at all. I got to make NiceGreek talk about cat sex and female porn squirting on the dinner table.

It's funny how people like them (well, I AM one of them now) have a party. One minute we'll be conversing about the world and the next thing, three of them would disappear into three corners of the room like ninjas for their work conference call. I was chuckling at that idea until when Boss dragged me to Shamrock's office room to check if there are any emails. Yes, it was almost like "Workaholic Party"

It ended in good spirit and I staggered home with an aftertaste of wine in my mouth, amazed at how Seinfield collects corks from wine bottles and how PuertoChick educated me on four stomachs creatures. It was a good exit from my busy and almost depressing days in Bangkok. Yes, it bangs the cock at times.....

Lonely Times - Thank God for Them

I guess sometimes loneliness makes you appreciate what you've got. And also it is most important not to stress 'temporary' loneliness as a permanent thing.

It's true it was fun hopping off the plane to Bangkok. The first thing I did was perfume shopping. What's Hein without perfume shops? Then, I ate like a pig and then I got myself wet in festivals. But then again, every night I come home to this empty hotel room and Channel V was my friend. I guess I'm getting used to that by now and also appreciating the fact that this is something I won't have for a long time, given I've got family members who love me to extreme and I got a boyfriend who loves/takes care of me, not to mention my kick ass friends who never failed to make me smile.

So I guess times like these make me appreciate their company. No matter how annoying my gramps are... it's nice to know they're at your back and call and they will always support you. No matter how sensitive my mom is, it's nice to know she's always there for me. No matter how much my sis doesn't like the homo in me, it's nice to know she's way happy having me around. No matter how far Craig is, I always know I'll have his love and support. No matter how long it's been since I last talk/saw my close friends... I know we can always pick things up where we left off.

I know there are ways to fight these lonely times, which could only linger for a temporary while, but it ain't worth it.

Past to the Future

Sometimes, we tend to not know the things we've hidden. We forgot that it's there cos we hide them so well to the point that we don't know they exist until they flash out of nowhere in front of us. And then, we're reminded of those that were forgotten.

Being alone in the hotel room takes me back to the time I was with my dad. The last time I was in a hotel room was when dad took mom, me and sis on a shopping spree in Bangkok when I was like 13. That was the last time I get to see a hotel room. Then, I thought about his death. I've hidden that as well. Then, I thought about my life in Sydney. How depressed I was. When I get depressed I would do anything to amuse me. Then, I thought about my care-free-yet-lonely life in Sydney meeting people up from sites and being happy used by some of them.

Things got worse when I saw my mom and sis. I was so happy around them. It reminded me of everything I've been. My life with them, my time with them, mom being worried over small things. I felt like five again but just with a bigger body. This strong Hein that I've built for so long just disappeared..

I became helpless and needy...

Then, I think about what I've achieved in life. Flashbacks and what's happening to me now.
Then I realized I should let my past go....
This is a new life.. a new me and a new future to look forward to..

I guess things of the past are there to remind me how far we've come and how long and hard we still have to march on in the future.

On the other hand, I'm happy (though not so proud I've hurt my boyfriend by being too honest with him) that I've learnt that I REALLY love Craig and nothing could stop me from having him.

Working Abroad

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Bangkok Day One

It's funny how the media can have so much influence on people. My boyfriend was worried but the thing was.. there's nothing to worry about here. The other thing was the fact that I was going to Bangkok with my Boss... and she's Thai.. so it was cool.

So, once I got to Bangkok, the first thing I did was go for STARBUCKS!!! It's been like years and starbucks was just everywhere here and so convenient. So I chucked a Starbucks and then I got myself a Burger King. They don't call it Burger King there in Sydney but they call it Hungry Jacks so I was more than happy to be eating. I went shopping with Boss and we both agreed that Craig, Boss and I should NEVER EVER do shopping together. Impulsive shopaholics we all are and I have already spent 1000 bahts+ on a scarf and a shirt. And that was more than my daily perdium.

Later at night, I got on the motorbike that Shamrock owns. Shamrock is my supervisor I have to work under. We went to this Irish bar called Maloney and we had two pints of beer each. He had some Irish drink but it was so fun riding on his scooter. I have never been on a motorcycle before so it was awesome..

I just called Craig up to tell him I'm safe and it's back to work tomorrow morning...

Designer Fail

If there is one thing in Burma why economy suck balls, it's probably 'time' and the lack of respect to it. So last night, Designer promised me she would come to my photoshoot by 9am or while I was there. I had a feeling that she would probably not show up. So, I kinda got other outfits and I also got the three tops that she sponsored me to wear from her shop. I got there at 9 as told but the photographer got there at 10 am. I was a bit annoyed at first but somehow he seems to be really nice to work with. Well, the thing was Designer never showed up.

I got a missed call on my home which I guessed was from her. Since I've got other tops to wear for my shoot and since she didn't show up, I ended up not wearing any of her tops on purpose and I also decided not to put their shop name for the photoshoot. It kinda semi disgust me how people don't treat 'business' seriously.

Yes, it's true I asked for an impossible time rang. Four days to finish four tops. But she said yes. And she didn't manage to finish but offered free stuffs to wear from her shop, to which I totally agreed to. Then, I asked her if I could get a waist coat from anywhere, to which she said I could by promising me at 9pm and then postponing it to 7am. Then, to the photoshoot, to which she didn't show up to.

Now, if I hadn't got any plan B for clothes to wear, how the fuck would I have been able to go through the shoot??

The Achievement

Being a workaholic finally paid off. Woke up at six am this morning and worked on the meeting agenda. It was quite scary because it felt like I will be taking charge of what my boss normally would do and taking full responsibility of things that I would have never seen myself doing. We were meeting experts as trainers for the enumerators at work and I was in charge of planning the agenda for the meeting and providing extra things to do in the meeting. My boss asked me for a favor last night I agreed to so I did it.

When I got to work, I told her I've done it and handed her my agenda and she laughed. She told me she was joking. I wasn't mad but I laughed and told her how I woke up at six am working on the agenda. She was impressed and she kept smiling. I kinda felt a bit meh about it. At least I did what I didn't know I was able to do and it's been an experience doing it.

The meeting started and Boss was holding the paper I've worked for her. She used my agenda. At that moment, all I could hear repeating in my head was 'She's using my agenda and my details'.. 'she's using my method'. She took charge of the meeting with WHAT I've prepared. It was so nice that she was doing according to my plan and how she went on and on with things I've written down for her. I didn't need to be mentioned but I was just so happy my Boss was using my material to present to these group of people so much more senior than my ranking at work.

Things got even better when the bigger boss, ToyBoss, pointed me out during the meeting and said 'This person is useful and he's been involved in a lot of important things'. If only I could blush but my cheeks were burning at that moment. You see all these forty plus people, people with phD's looking at me with respect.

Then, it got deeper. Halfway through Boss's presentation, she pointed me out to give a presentation to these peoples on tips and advices. What the hell? Me giving them advices? I got it prepared and for once in my life, I managed to smoothly present a 20 minutes presentation on importance of these trainers' roles. I saw these people nodding their heads off. Some gave me questions I could easily answer to. I was in charge. I was in the zone.

After the meeting, Boss came up to me and this was the first ever time she's complimented me with such enthusiasm. She said 'that agenda you made was very good'. Now, I know how Boss and I are really close but she's always been quite strict on her threshold of acceptance when my ability at work is concerned. She's always never had anything without any comments on improvements. It made me strive for better products on my part and I respect her critiques. She would be one of those 'it's good BUT' person. However, today was just different. She said I have handled her job for her and I've covered it pretty well.

I guess things paid off in the end and after today, I just know that there's no limit to one's ability. I've been a scared rat whose peer pressure to succeed is the mentality 'ah well.. i have to do it so why not give it a shot'... I guess, from now on, I can change that to 'I can do it and I'm ready to learn to progress on whenever I can get a chance'...

I guess this is what being mature is all about in life...
it's about accepting to take further steps for so much improvements in your life and coming in terms with the new improved you and taking on stronger challenges.

Of course I will fail in life in the future... but only to learn a lot more :)

The Other Side of Sayang

Love is quite amazing. It bends and shapes people and changes everything around us. It morphs people into other things they never thought they could be. It could also change a person from one extreme to the other and it could change the perspective and views of others among those who are in love.

Sayang had a farewell party today. As usual, I was raped to going there by Boss. So, I'm gonna have to take the history lane to talk about this individual....

When I first started work in the late 2009.. around September, I met this person during one of the lunches I had with new colleagues. He came into the room, flamboyantly struttin his stuff. An individual with what looked like a woman's dress with curly hair, I did not know if I should address him a ma'am or a sir. This was until he opened his mouth. Judging by his tone, I could tell that he is a proud gay man. His first words were 'You wear a tie to work?' followed by a scoff. Since then, I knew I could never mess with this person. Bitchy yet I was lucky he's been nice to me.

It then started off as a bit of a flirt since it wasn't everyday you find a gay man at work for me. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I felt safe when he's around. Felt like I could use my nostalgia attack of Sydney with him. Felt sane that I could talk about boys without getting faces from my other 'straight' friends who are trying their best to get used to the homo me.

The cool thing about Sayang is the fact that he always makes sure I don't get hard on myself. I'm not the type who likes to think big about myself or brag or take compliments easily. He would say things like 'so what?'... 'you don't have to look skinny..' or 'you don't have to be thin'. He's become a bit of someone I look up to.

It was Sayang's farewell tonight. He's leaving Burma after two years working with us. I have never worked with him before but we always hang out together in the same office. After everyone made a speech about him.. mine being about how durian vendors would go bankrupt and jewellery shops would go out of business if he left, he made a speech. When someone asked him about the worst thing about leaving Burma, he said something that totally got me speechless. In two simple words, he said 'my partner'.

Now, Sayang was the type who always acted like he doesn't care about relationships. His relationship with his boyfriend (now his ex) has always looked like he was on a lead and his partner was the chaser to me. He's always been fine with anything. No jealousy, no insecurity. He would even mention polyamorous or he would indicate some pieces of fickleness in his choice of men. I have even seen him cheat on his partner. I can't really say if it's cheating or not since I'm not sure if they were in an open relationship or not.

Last few days ago, when I was invited to one of his dinners with him and his partner, he said something that agitated me. "You can make a pass at my partner". I was like 'Sayang, you know I got Craig and I would NEVER do that.' The truth was I wasn't attracted to his partner and never have I even thought about cheating on Craig or feeling reluctant to do so. He did his usual scoff and his usual four words to me. "YOu are so boring". THen I asked him why would he say that and if they weren't together anymore. He said he does not believe in long distance...

I didn't get it
They were so in love and still are. Then, I got this wrong assumption that he didn't like his partner much. I mean, when I broke up with Simon, I was ready to take on a long distance cos I really did love him. I could never ever picture myself breaking up with Craig cos of distance. Maybe I am naive but my rules and standards remain stubbornly unchanged and made me question on other peoples' subjective opinions.

With that thought, I was staring at Sayang during his farewell dinner, speechless. I could tell he was hurt. I could tell he didn't like having to leave his boyfriend but he had to because of the long distance. Sometimes, people can't stand to break through their acceptance on some elements in life. As a non believer in long distance, Sayang has to give up someone he truly loves. And I'm sure it must be killing his partner right now that he's gone.

I hugged him so tight after the dinner. With a lot of respect and so much sadness for his departure and anger that he could not be with the one he loves, I felt so proud of Sayang for just being able to survive. I guess at times like these, you gotta choose if you could survive with being away from your loved one or survive with the fact that you've broken up with your loved ones cos you can't stand being away from them....

Life is about choices and I was proud that he's made his decision..

And of course, I went home confused and thought about me and Craig. At that moment, I just wanted to hug Craig and cry cos he's believed in what I believe in. We've been doing long distance for three months and above now, both striving hard to see each other as soon as we can. Both being capable of finding anyone around them, both of us have been very strong about our relationship. I guess I'm just lucky I have so much trust with Craig and that we're both clear on taking our relationship as evergreen as we both can take it. Like he's said before, I guess we ARE soul mates after all.

With that note, I came home at 10pm, only to see my granddad with the whole "You have to do an interview for a magazine". So I sat down with my grandad doing an interview for a magazine for my career, with the mindset of having to do a big presentation for work the next day. The interview ended at 1am and I went to bed with the thought of waking up at six am the next day to work on my presentation..

Workaholic.. I choose to be one.. so I can't complain...

BabbleSaur: Replica of Monday

Guess what I did today!!!!
My day was the EXACT replica of yesterday. Four meetings turned out to be three since one of them didn't show up and that was the guy who I had to give my weed to. I don't know if the weed is still good. I saw some white stuffs in it but then again it could be part of the weed. At first I thought it was fungus but I put the plastic bag of weed inside a 'pringle'-look-alike chips box. So, I would have no clue if it was ok for the dude to actually puff it. I've been working so hard that the pain on my neck has become quite ignorant.

It's not really easy to be taking care of three minutes to write on meetings, which are at least one hour-two hours long and at the same time I would be taking care of my trip to Bangkok. So, it's assured that I'll get a fair good money amount, good enough for me to stay at an averagely acceptably good hotel in Thailand. It's bad of me but I'm trying my best to go for the maximum price. I mean I'm given this x amount of money per night and if I spend any less than that per night, it would all be liquidated. So, good living and free breakfast is what I'm going for... and god, looking for hotels in bangkok is just crazy. Too many of them. Doesn't help that I would living in the midst of the city.

On the other hand, I have FINALLY typed out all the lyrics to my album and hopefully the lyrics would be OK to release by the end of my water festival holiday. I hate how slowly I'm pacing towards the end of my album. I have planned to finish my album by May but it seems like it might end up being released only in June and it sucks even more that my photoshoot would be published on the magazine in May. I might have to find a way to get involved in some cool magazines in June. Time to socialize, Heiny!!!

On another note, I hate paedophiles!!!!

BabbleSaur: Arguments

Monday just shows it was gonna be one busy week for me. Tons of meetings and I hate minute writing. So I could see myself dying from work. And guess what! Too true. Waking up at 7am and getting to work by 8:30 am but going home at 9pm to be on bed with a dvd at 10pm. I guess I'm turning into a workaholic. How do I know? Well, despite all of this hassle, I am not complaining.

The funny thing while minute writing is checking out how the people talk. Their accents, their gestures, their arguements and their interruptions. The bad thing about these meetings I had today is the fact that it was quite personal and not that many people were there. So, I ended up not being to check who's dozing off. It's interesting how people has so much to say and how we would spend so much time and effort trying to make a point. Sometimes, I think it's because of all these that I don't really care about arguments gone wrong. I mean, if one is to make an argument, he/she should hope for her statement to be heard and taken action upon, BUT ALSO be warned that it's a 50 50 win or lose. So, instead it would be much preferred if we have a secretive plan b or a notion that your statement might NOT be agreed as well. So it's like whenever I make an argument, I would be ready for the backlash. This goes for almost anything in life we all could hope for. Good result is never guaranteed.

Well, I'm just babbling here... I get that from Craig actually.. after oh so many times when I'm online but not in front of my puter cos of these meetings...

Diary of a Workaholic

Last time Craig and I talked, he asked me if Burma has Earth Hour. Only later I thought we actually do, but just that we practise it daily as opposed to making it a big event once or twice a year. So, yes, as economically ozone friendly as Burma is, 42 degrees sunray stang my skin and my house does not have any flow of amperes and voltages. I decided to go to my usual internet cafe, but they were suffering from 'connection loss'. So I went to the one that was a bit further and unfortunately slower, connection speedwise. I felt like shit and since it's been more than one day since I last talked to Craig, my conscience was just out of service.

I used to want to puke whenever I hear Dido's song "Thank you". So, she claims no matter how shitty her day is, she comes home, sees her other half and yay woohoo it's sexy time and she thanks him for it. I used to think that song was cheesy. Today, I didoed myself into seeing Craig online and just forgetting the 42 degrees sunburn, lack of electricity and even the slow speed at the internet cafe failed to erase the smile off my face. I talked with him for a short while and he called me and I talked to him on the phone.

As stupid as it sounds, I felt like a machine under the workage of solar storage. So, Craig would be the sun and I would function just as much as the sunlight given for me to store the powers. I run out of Craig, I stumble. I see him again, I recharge. So, as pathetic as I sound, my day became productive for such a workaholic as myself. Yes, I was doing officework at home. Fiddling with excel and marking down the indicators for the analysis done for our previous report book, I was going at it like an energizer bunny.

This stopped at six pm, when I craved for food. I thought I desevred a treat so I called KP up. He wasn't free. Then, I called DoubleA, who was just not in the mood. It was stupid but I understand how he was feeling. I do have my down days or lazy days as well. Then, I called KC and I told him and his wife that I would treat both of them to a dinner and beer and I would also pick them up if they would eat with me. It feels like buying a friendship out of a brother brochure but it did make me feel good. P.S. I do love these two so it wasn't much of a big deal to be treating people I love.

Peppers is one good restaurant for mixed grills and banana fritters with ice cream. The word 'diet' was deleted off my vocabulary list in my braincells for that mighty two hours where I was munching grilled meat and gulping them down with beer with a bit of a treat of the deep fried fritters with honey and vanilla ice cream. Now, KC was a winner of a rap freestyle competition. So, he's pretty popular in the rap scene, just not marketable in the industry. I blame it on the cheapness of the mainstream trash pop music in Burma. It's worse than Avril Lavigne. If there was anyone in rap who I could rapidly nod my head in agreement to respect, he's the guy who started the first hip hop group in Burma. One of them died, one of them jailed, one of them got married tonight and he, the leader, was out with his girlfriend and her family. His girlfriend is the daughter of a singer I hate so much ONLY cos I love her. I was her big fan and once at a show I wanted to sing a duet with her and she refused and she's been quite evil to me since then. Folks said she was just jealous that I made it to the music scene and her kids don't. I just think she was crack. But then again, I do like her a lot and that was why I hated her. So, while talking to her daughter, the truth came out. I told her how I love her mom as a kid and how her mother used to kiss me at a wedding ceremony when I was like around 4 years old. It's sad that her mother has NO IDEA how much of a fan I truly am. Shielding myself from celebs' payout humiliation, I just keep quiet and I just try to be as nice as I can to the daughter, who was actually a sweet girl.

Speaking of music industry, I have been asked TWICE already since I got back here to sing my most popular song. The question is.. WHICH ONE IS IT? I don't recall having a popular song but for some unknown reason, people see me as this kid with a one hit wonder and who's doing a comeback. My question still remains.. WHICH FUCKING SONG????

Fair Weather Friend

Friends... there are so many types of friends in life. I used to think it would just be as simple as an enemy, a friend and a best friend, but dear god, I was wrong.

I've never been a huge fan of levelling who my close friends are or not and I'm pretty sure those close to me can judge by the way I would be myself around them or be totally openly uncaring. The funny thing is I seem to not do more for those close to me. I would just second them, which is a bad habit but at the end of day, I would give them so much credit. But yeah, people like Ali deserves more attention from me and I feel quite bad at times.

So, I once had this friend who I could've called my fag hag from Burma. I was quite so happy with her ever-open personality. I used to call her the "Designer", since she's pretty good at designing clothes. So, says she. Then, I kinda dated her ex-bi-confused-just-fucked-in-the-head Filo boyfriend. After a date and a blow job, I got to see how stupidly fucked he is and I gave up on gender confused people. Nope, I don't really feel like levelling down myself to that stage in life UNLESS one is made to obey and make sure which gender he would sway to, but then again, that's almost impossible. So, I've avoided people like Red. Designer started to talk to me less and started rumors about me or Red. Then, I got fed up and just totally ignored her. Now, before I did, I promised her I would come and make clothes at her place once I'm skinny.

Well, it's not like I've totally gone skinnier but I feel like I'm ready to make myself look better and more celeblike. So, I recontacted her. Now, I guess you could call her my 'fair weather friend'. The catch here is I'm only her friends for two things. Good clothes and fashion tips. And I'm pretty sure she's not stupid. She knows if I get popular, I could advertise or promote her shop and since one of her hobbies include barbieing guys she is attracted to, I fall easily under her target. And since I don't hold grudges and she can't get anything from me, we blend in quite well.

So, for my photoshoot, I went to the designer and then she invited me over to Sedona, the place I haven't been for so long. I didn't want to go but I gotta show her that I do want to be her friend and I want her to know that I'm in this game of friendship once again as brand new and with nothing from the past. It was fun. We danced and she and I tranformed into what we used to be five months ago. Well, of course without the kissing part and talking about our private lives.

Fair weather friend... sunny days bring us out and rainy days cave us in but we have a smile on each others' face and the laziness that won't even allow any of us to stab each others' back. Simple!!!

The Conversationalist

This might seem a bit unlike me to say it but I am not a party animal. A lot of people mistake my happy go lucky personality full of sense of humor with 'partying'. I am like that at home with my grandparents or anyone at work. It's even funnier when they would say things like 'omg u're so cool and funky'. I can't help the fact that I'm very self conscious and GQ magazine cut outs are always scattered every month in my bin.. well until I got here only cos they don't have GQ or OUT magazines here.

Boss, as usual, raped me to coming to a party I've never been before. It's on every first week of the month at British club. Well, she didn't really rape me to it since I was willing to spend my Friday wisely... aka with alcomahol.

So, I was with Boss, Ostrich, Girlfriend and her main squeeze, Canadian, and his friend 'Jap' (not her real name but I will explain. Jap looks like a Japanese and I was just tired from work and hungry and I shook her hand and introduced myself and went "So are you Jap?" and she went 'you're so PC'. So, that started our friendship. From then on, Jap gave more attention to me and she was a nice girl to talk to. Blunt, honest, a bit rude yet so funny. She was my type. So, we talked on.

So, before we reached British Club, Ostrich asked me not to expect much and to be honest, I felt a bit fat and a bit insecure since I was sweating like a pig. I went in and I couldn't stop talking until I left. There was just at least one person talking to me and the conversations were just awesome.

I think being a gay man, with his boyfriend oversea, gave me this diversity where I would be conversing with a lot of people. So, there was no flirting going on. No talking about work since I don't know anything about politics and wearing a rectangular thin white tie with a cardigan, I became a bit of an attention baggage.

- Plastic Bernard turned out to be the sweetest man I've ever got to know. He was talking about how we all have different personalities since he and I would meet at a meeting and we'd be totally serious and then we would meet in parties and drink and be all jackassy and stupid and fun. It was nice of him to tell me that he was impressed with the other personality he saw from me when I'm on stage. Now, to be honest.. this is something I don't know I have. but apparently, he said that I turn into this another person when I'm on stage. I was very honored that he'd say things like that.
- There was also this frenchie (I so assume he was gay) who came and asked me for a lighter by going 'hey singer, do you have a lighter' and I went 'how did you know' and he went 'of course'. It's funny how you're known by a couple of people that you don't know.
- Jap introduced me to her Burmese friend who lives in Scotland, who was pregnant but yet she looks awesome. We were talking about the TV Show coupling and how the Welsh guy is so cute in that tv show.
- Maltesers was back from her one month trip out of Burma and she, JazzyGuitarist and I were talking about meeting up for a jam session.
- The funniest thing was when GermanChick's housemate came and talked to me. 'Journalist' works for one of the Myanmar Times and I've always thought she was cool and just funny. We would get drunk and kiss each others' lips in public and this was way before my time with Craig haha. So, she came and she was like 'Are you sure you're not gay?' and then she mouthed a 'wow' looking at me and she insisted I try her lip gloss. I was like I would if it doesn't have color. She insisted she wanted to put it on my lips so she did. God it tasted good... I started sucking on my own lips after she left me with that lip gloss.
- I got to see the mother of the five year old kid I was playing at a party with last time. Sarimama is Indian married to an American and her kid is just so beautiful and adorable. I was playing with them last Sunday and Sarimama told me that the kids were really happy with the party and they wanted to go to another one of mommy's parties. It was even sweet that she mentioned it was because of me that they loved the party. Yeah, I was just playing with them cos kids are so much better at conversations than political talks that goes nowhere. I was telling her about long distance love life and I started talking about Craig with her and she was telling me about how it's really important that I found someone I love. She told me that her gay friend could not stay with a person for too long. I told her it's only cos he hasn't met the right person. I told her how promiscuous I used to be. Her gay friend, like me, always whinges about true love and monogamy but he doesn't practise it apparently. It's not his fault.. He just needs to find himself 'the one'.

I got home at twelve and I just feel accepted. I always come home alone on my own, without a date.. without a partner. I always am on my own element in parties conversing with anyone. But I guess it's the life I chose and I kinda like it and I just felt great that I'm finally accepted as this community, without me having to be like one of them. I know nothing about politics and I suck at geography but I'm glad they're patient and nice enough to think of other convo topics for me.....

I guess this makes me the conersationalist in parties...
no flirts
no one nighter
no booze attack
just me talking....

This Could Be The Start of Something Big

April fool sounds awesome!!!! But not to me or my friends. I chucked the worst fool ever and I feel quite bad. I wrote "back in sydney" as my status on facebook and some of my friends took that for real. Some smart asses survived. haha.

So, March is FINALLY gone!!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

March was such a suffer. It was like a bear trap to my feet. I experienced the worst of the worst but I was right about the silver lining. There's always a good shit at the end of trails of bad shit. Craig and I have been going strong.. he would be here with me if his work hasn't been a bitch but then again, I would be too busy in the morning and I won't get to spend my time as much as I would want to with him if he was here now. But, my love for him is still growing. Yes, I'm one greedy mofo. I got such a great capacity for him.

Work has been TOTALLY AWESOME! I get to go to Thailand for a week, all expenses paid, with a perdium of course.But my airflight, hotel charge and visa application.. all paid!! It's awesome cos then I'll get to see a lot of people I want to see, like Shamrock and my special others (don't worry Craig.. it's not what u think...) The cool thing is how I'll be working with Shamrock again. I used to have a name for him on this blog but that was so last year. But refreshing minds here, he's the Irish boss who used to supervise me and the only boss I cried in the toilet for on his last day of work. So I'm gonna see him.

Life has been pretty cool. My gramps and I have better relationship each and everyday. The gay thing is off the shelf. They're still supporting my other career.

And that wise, I have a photoshoot coming up and some outcomes to see...

I guess this must be the first flowering moment of my life after a turning point. Of course, there'll be other turning points to come but a man can always enjoy what he's got for now :)