When you feel like you don't really know what to do in life, the best solution would be to sleep it off. Some of us failed to notice that our minds work better after a sound sleep. It's not like I haven't been sleeping but it's been a while since I've felt peaceful. Five days, extended to seven days in Bangkok, had got me more depressed than ever. It was a mixture of everything rolled in at once. Avoiding repititions in my blog entry, I guess it's nice to have gone through a lot. This is not the first time that I have admitted I have been through a lot, especially on my blog. I guess it would be a ongoing thing, unavoidable yet gradual occurence at its best.
I've worked in a team before. I've led them. Revue might not seem like a big deal for some but it has been for me. Maybe it would be too biased of me to say it was because of the people in it and the fact that we all want to have that mentality where everything we do is the best. I guess the only thing that matters is that I've given my best shot. Impact would be more reasonable enough to why I treat Revue with so much respect and my starting point.
When you're a good person to a lot of people, you tend to ask yourself if you're either a crowd pleaser or a fake. I guess I've had a fair share of those two, sometimes combined but in all honesty, I KNOW for a fact that I like sticking to my guns and keeping things as real as possible. I directed revue at my peak point. More friends and more popularity in the revue crowd, I risked directing a show. It was more than a co-incidence that I worked with two other good names as partners. We were on the same wavelength and we love each other. Three of us did mature and get a lot out of it but while we were doing it, it was awesome. I did say I 'risked' it because when you're in the high, it's either a long fall or yet another unexpectable climb. I don't know what it was but I guess the whole 'have to leave Australia' did spark a lot of attentions. These attentions too strong to let the people actually decide whether they go on being my friends or not.
Now, in this battlefield of a so called work force where a lot of the people are doing anything to help others, it's only fair enough to compare our lives to a high school. I normally tell people how one of my favorite movies was "Mean Girls". People would either cringe at it or agree to a certain degree. My point was the fact that despite it being a Lindsay Lohan movie and a teenage flick, Tina Fey's message was NOT to be taken lightly. She resembled the characters of Mean Girls to life itself. In the same way, I compare my life at work these days to high school.
It surprised the shit out of me at first but later I learnt that age has NOTHING to do with maturity. Brought up in an Asian country, I find it quite hard to disagree that elders might NOT be as wise as they should be. Some of us manage to learn things and instead of learning more, we would fool ourselves to thinking this was all there is to learn in life. The ego and the stubborness does stop us from knowing more and judging others who disagree as 'rebels' or 'villains'. Stress does play a huge role at work. I could compare my workload to a seventh grader in high school with an assignment to write an essay on "A Tale of Two Cities". If I was asked to write that now, I would smirk or just give a bit of a 'wtf' at the offer but for a seventh grader, it would be as stressful as the three presentations, one catch up email, two field guides and of course the same old work political social game that I'm given now to play. I can't complain. That would only waste my time.
It sounds a bit poetic or just weird but motivations do come from drama. After hearing my mom cry, I was forced to think if it was her guilt or happiness. Does she feel useless or helpless about herself? The fact is, I support her 100% no matter what she does or feel. So, I guess hearing her cry on the phone made me realize is life is more than just me alone on my own. I got two baggages, my mom and sister, who I care about. It's not my guilt but they are just a part of me and anything happens to them would kill that part of me I have for them within me.
The welcome felt warm today as I came out of the airport. My grandparents were proud of me. The risk of taking my gay porn out of my suitcase to my room was quite funny and I was happy to be home in my room. After a seven hours sleep and a talk with my boyfriend on the phone, I just know what I have to do.
The mixture of those which happened in this one week:- the realization of my love for my boyfriend, my mom's sorrow, the nature and the ugly truth of work social circuit, the bad side to nostalgia, the workload of stress and my role at work... I guess they all sum up to one thing. I have put this up on facebook before and I like it. I got it from Boss actually but it just sounds so good and perfect for my situation. Now that I know what role I have to play and what I have to do/plan for the future, the little voice in my head is on repeat.
And it's saying "Do good and let others talk".
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