Sadness

We're all driven by sadness. Some people face sadness everyday, regardless of their acceptance or not. Some people like to be aware of such a thing just so that by the time it hits them, they won't have to think much of it. Some still believes in fighting it. Some waits for temporary thing called happiness to come heal them. Some people just smile at it... cos that's the best thing they can do...

I woke up today at around 9am to go work at Boss's place. I couldn't get online and I just felt like shit cos I knew I wouldn't be able to talk with Craig like I normally could. It got worse when I had to finish two field guides and two questionnaires on my own. I had to teach myself how to use livecycle software. I had to work on translations without the dictionary. At the same time, Boss and I were ranting about work. This is not new.

It so happened at some point that Boss started being really different to me. I guess my stress level was showing. But somehow, I knew amidst all this, I was gonna have a good day. A good day because I'm gonna get something which Craig gave me via Thi, since she just got back from Sydney yesterday. I bit my lips and worked on. Boss started lecturing me in between but I was speechless when she said 'your fear gets on my nerve.'. No, I was not offended. She just spelt out my personality AGAIN.

I realized that I can be forced to face myself sometimes, especially when I wasn't ready to. I remember my ex flatmate used to tell me that I should have some time on my own to reflect myself and learn about myself. I did. But, just like life, I always end up learning new things about myself. Boss went on and on until I got teary. She said that I was doing a job of three people all at once and that I play a pretty important role at work. She also asked me to stand up for my rights at times. I told her I don't really know what's right or wrong but I just don't like to fail at what I'm doing. She told me to do it without fear. Fear! It gets to me. She said I have so much potential and the only thing that is stopping me is my fear. She's right. I worked the next three hours quiet.

At 4:30, I was supposed to meet "Noir", my high school friend. Now, back in high school, Noir came in as a weird kid. He was a nice kid to be honest but we all bullied the shit outta him. I bullied him because I was no longer the bullied one and the flag has been passed along to this new kid. We paid him out but it was just easy no matter how much we tried to be nice to him. I could only get to him around 5:25pm. HS was there. HS was a cool kid in school and he's still a cool guy but with a good job, a wife and a son, it was just me, him, Noir and Noir's brother just sipping on coffee and beer which me and HS shared the bills for. We were being nice to Noir.

Then, after that I met Thi and I finally opened the little bag that Craig sent me. I looked inside. I couldn't get my head up for a while. I got confused and then I read the card with the gift. Two ties and a "tiffany and co" platinum ring with the number 3 6 9 and 12 on it. Yes, I'm a big sucker for reading things to detail. I spent the rest of my night talking to Thi and just conversing about other things. Catching up.. it felt awesome.

Then, I went back to Boss's place around 9pm and worked til 10:30pm. I FINALLY got what I've been working more than seven days for in Bangkok and Burma. I FINALLY killed the software and accomplished what was to be done. I felt this huge sensational happiness down my spine.

I talked with Noir the whole night. At first I thought it was guilt. For some reason, I realized that one part of him remains the same and it's this part that doesn't really have an adjective for. It's a bit of awkwardness which we made fun of when we were kids. Did that scar him? Did that affect his life now? I never know. But later I realized that I actually enjoyed talking to him....

After the talk, I learnt that all of us are living under fear or sadness but each and everyday we do things to make the day somehow memorable and worth having. I know right now, Noir would be trying to sleep thinking about why on earth he is still single; I told him about my five whole years being single where I slut myself and got lost. Boss would be sleeping by now; we both know how work can kill us but yet we live on each other's efforts for motivations and happiness and I did mention that if it wasn't for her, I would not be this happy and motivated at work. Thi would be sleeping now; we both know we're both dealing with different things that people had not done. She wanted me to come back to Sydney, I wanted to and we both just want to make our love lives a bit more colorful. Craig would be asleep by now; I'm sure he would be not that happy with not being able to chat to me and wondering what I would think about his package.

Sadness... it's a part of me and I've accepted it and I'm still hopeful for good things to come. I would be asleep in a few minutes but it feels good to sniff the ring that Craig gave and cry for a while. I cried. I cried cos life isn't fair. I cried cos I was sad. I cried cos he loves me and I love him yet we're far apart. We all go to bed somehow hoping tomorrow brings a better solution or an event to make us numb the pain inside.

Sadness.... it's not harmful at all at times. To me, it brings me back to earth and appreciate little things like having a ring that my boyfriend used to wear which means a lot to him. I shall keep it with me til I meet him. I love you, Craig and I don't know what to say other than that to express how you've made me feel each and everyday.

I'm going to go to bed right now and I'm sure there will be something to make me feel better tomorrow as well as sadness lurking from the corner to make us appreciate and look out for the next day, which we all hope to be better.

P.S. this is not a negative view on life. I've just come to accept it and like I said, I could smile for now cos that's all I can do.