There’s no hero in life. There’s no such thing as a savior. There’s no hope, nor justice. What’s right or wrong? Can we swerve the views of others to another side of one’s point of view? You got yourself though.
Some people try to save lives. Some try to save their loved ones. Some countries. Why bother going for a large population when you can’t even save yourself?
During my stay at the hospital, after they put me to lose consciousness, I noticed I wasn’t really fit to make a choice in life. I was depressed before my surgery. I didn’t even know whether it’s right or wrong to have it.
What started from a post-break up depression ended up in turmoil of never stopping domino effect of bad things one could ever imagine. Of course, people at war would see mine as a minor case. But, given the circumstances I was in, I felt pretty much dead when my checkup told me I had a viral count of 10 to the power 5 for hepatitis B inside of me, which could lure to liver cancer if I hadn’t done this check up. Then, the stomach acid reflux, which I got from the post break up, combined with work stress and the inevitable feeling of losing grip on things in life; my album pending, works piling and losing hold of someone you truly love, I ended up with hernia detected. The doctor suggested immediate surgery and all I could do at that moment was nod my head and said “If it’s for the better, I would do anything.” I have always wanted to give up in life but this time, I couldn’t really see the point of giving up. I felt like I’ve lived through hell and there was no turning back and nothing worse would make justice. So what if I let myself die? My funeral would be grand but a week later, I’m just a page in an obituary.
Waking up and gaining consciousness, the nurses let me up but since my wounds weren’t stitched, I woke up in my hospital gown to have blood flowing down my legs. I hate blood. I felt helpless but at that split second I just know that this is just yet another ball thrown in my face; yet another block of domino on its way down with the impact from the others behind it that had fallen.
I regained sanity today at work after a surgery, a break up, losing work and my pending album work. I’m not a loser. I’ve come this far to lose it all. There was only one way to start anew.
I’m kinda glad my boyfriend was pretty much unimaginably supportive when I got back to chatting to him. Seeing his chatbox pop up made me think of my past. I bit my lips and I tried to talk normal but I tried my hardest to be as honest as I could. I can’t do it as friends. I can love him as a person but the fact that I’ve committed myself to a love I have never felt for anyone will not really be able to suffice me being his friend. I was surprised when he said we’re still on. A pity fuck online? A good future promise? Not caring to read between the lines, I left the office room and cried in the toilet. I looked down at my work shirt and I saw blood stains on my work shirt from the tucked in part where the iodine had stained with the left over blood from my stitched wound.
This is it for me. With a healed heart with a boyfriend with a past and an uncertainty for the future, with two stitched holes in my body, with two hands tired from catching up with work and with a sense of patience and business talk to convince my mixing engineer to work faster, I was once ready again to be reborn. This was my only way of getting back up.
I was an insecure bastard full of pride, who’s taken comfort in taking the negativities of my genes. My mother’s insecurities, my father’s careless way of living life, my grandmother’s suicidal habits and my grand-dad’s anger. I was ready to trade those for the best strength I have in every bones of my body.
Lack of grudge from my mother, my dad’s happy-go-lucky sense of humor, my grandmother’s bravery and my grand-dad’s persistency. I am not saying my life is gonna be a bed of roses but I just know that I’m able to fight anything that comes to me with these. I have to admit I feel a bit weak at the moment but once these wounds heal, just watch me shine. I’m gonna shine for the real person that I am and not for people to think “Hein is a cool person”.
I’m a nice person. About time I live up to it.
Some people try to save lives. Some try to save their loved ones. Some countries. Why bother going for a large population when you can’t even save yourself?
During my stay at the hospital, after they put me to lose consciousness, I noticed I wasn’t really fit to make a choice in life. I was depressed before my surgery. I didn’t even know whether it’s right or wrong to have it.
What started from a post-break up depression ended up in turmoil of never stopping domino effect of bad things one could ever imagine. Of course, people at war would see mine as a minor case. But, given the circumstances I was in, I felt pretty much dead when my checkup told me I had a viral count of 10 to the power 5 for hepatitis B inside of me, which could lure to liver cancer if I hadn’t done this check up. Then, the stomach acid reflux, which I got from the post break up, combined with work stress and the inevitable feeling of losing grip on things in life; my album pending, works piling and losing hold of someone you truly love, I ended up with hernia detected. The doctor suggested immediate surgery and all I could do at that moment was nod my head and said “If it’s for the better, I would do anything.” I have always wanted to give up in life but this time, I couldn’t really see the point of giving up. I felt like I’ve lived through hell and there was no turning back and nothing worse would make justice. So what if I let myself die? My funeral would be grand but a week later, I’m just a page in an obituary.
Waking up and gaining consciousness, the nurses let me up but since my wounds weren’t stitched, I woke up in my hospital gown to have blood flowing down my legs. I hate blood. I felt helpless but at that split second I just know that this is just yet another ball thrown in my face; yet another block of domino on its way down with the impact from the others behind it that had fallen.
I regained sanity today at work after a surgery, a break up, losing work and my pending album work. I’m not a loser. I’ve come this far to lose it all. There was only one way to start anew.
I’m kinda glad my boyfriend was pretty much unimaginably supportive when I got back to chatting to him. Seeing his chatbox pop up made me think of my past. I bit my lips and I tried to talk normal but I tried my hardest to be as honest as I could. I can’t do it as friends. I can love him as a person but the fact that I’ve committed myself to a love I have never felt for anyone will not really be able to suffice me being his friend. I was surprised when he said we’re still on. A pity fuck online? A good future promise? Not caring to read between the lines, I left the office room and cried in the toilet. I looked down at my work shirt and I saw blood stains on my work shirt from the tucked in part where the iodine had stained with the left over blood from my stitched wound.
This is it for me. With a healed heart with a boyfriend with a past and an uncertainty for the future, with two stitched holes in my body, with two hands tired from catching up with work and with a sense of patience and business talk to convince my mixing engineer to work faster, I was once ready again to be reborn. This was my only way of getting back up.
I was an insecure bastard full of pride, who’s taken comfort in taking the negativities of my genes. My mother’s insecurities, my father’s careless way of living life, my grandmother’s suicidal habits and my grand-dad’s anger. I was ready to trade those for the best strength I have in every bones of my body.
Lack of grudge from my mother, my dad’s happy-go-lucky sense of humor, my grandmother’s bravery and my grand-dad’s persistency. I am not saying my life is gonna be a bed of roses but I just know that I’m able to fight anything that comes to me with these. I have to admit I feel a bit weak at the moment but once these wounds heal, just watch me shine. I’m gonna shine for the real person that I am and not for people to think “Hein is a cool person”.
I’m a nice person. About time I live up to it.
Listening to: Secondhand Serenade – World turns
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