They say curiosity kills the cat but I think it actually kills relationship and trust. Ask any mothers how a child is born as a pyromaniac. We kids find flame pretty amazing. The way the flame sparks in our eyes and the way the blue tip appears out of nowhere on the fiery red line above the yellow glow with the white medium in the middle. Mom tells us not to play with it. We love it until we play with it for too long to get bruised and depending on how big our scars are, we try not to let that happen in the future. Sometimes, knowing it burns, we forget the consequences and tend to play with fire again.
Growing up, after we see fireworks and fireguns, we turn into the pyromaniac we used to be as a baby. The spark amazes us, the flame intrigues us and the way the color varies as the flame lingers onto the burning piece makes us wonder if we are actually old enough to play with fire again, hoping we’d let go of the pain once we feel a sudden rush of sting from the heat. Then, we kinda got a bit enthused in seeing how we could hold onto this fire. Will we get immune to it? Will the cure afterwards feel better?
The fire within me extinguished too late last night and the aftermath of feeling guilty to have started the fire, filled with pride, lingered on today as I drove my boyfriend (well, ex now) insane with my selfish pride and fear of something that is not even there. I drove him to the edge and he exploded with a decision made to being single again, cancelling meeting up, avoiding phone calls and leaving me pretty much on my own.
It felt like a funeral. You know.. when a person dies, you can’t do anything to revive him or her back but yet the day goes on. Time betrays you and the ‘so called’ past which used to have a promising future gives a pretty much unintended present and you just wish you were the one in the coffin instead of the element that has been taken away from you. What if I was the one who don’t have to suffer from this loss? What if I just disappear? It was an unwanted calmness where I was forced to stay in a room listening to my own breath.
My eyes itched as facebook became accessible on the work puter. I found it hard to breathe and my chest gave a throbbing pain as I realized that my ex boyfriend is ‘single’. Feeling like a kid who is hated in the class and also pretty much let down by the teacher, I had no one to blame but myself. I kept swallowing air into my dry throat as tears started to fall down my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I’m not gonna cry. This is just a break up. It’s natural in life. It’s part of life.
Then, it amazed me how I’ve been totally out of touch with the way I used to feel when Simon left me. Simon left me not because he was an asshole. Well, maybe he was or he wasn’t but thinking back, I did the same thing I did to BooMan. I drove him crazy with insecurities. I let the fire burn inside me and the person who I had no idea of took control of my body and made decisions. My instincts ran fowl and my inner voice was not heard anymore.
The calm before the storm. What did I learn? I learnt that no matter how much you think you could have survived the heat you felt from the first burn, it’s better being dead than breathing after the second burn. As I thought to myself, I have no idea what my future holds anymore. I’m sad, torn, betrayed by my own intelligence and most of all, I’ve let go of the one man I’ve loved and still can’t get out of my head since eleven months ago that we fell in love. Three months ago that I proposed to him on the phone. A day ago that we were planning on meeting each other.
Folks, Hein is dead!.
Growing up, after we see fireworks and fireguns, we turn into the pyromaniac we used to be as a baby. The spark amazes us, the flame intrigues us and the way the color varies as the flame lingers onto the burning piece makes us wonder if we are actually old enough to play with fire again, hoping we’d let go of the pain once we feel a sudden rush of sting from the heat. Then, we kinda got a bit enthused in seeing how we could hold onto this fire. Will we get immune to it? Will the cure afterwards feel better?
The fire within me extinguished too late last night and the aftermath of feeling guilty to have started the fire, filled with pride, lingered on today as I drove my boyfriend (well, ex now) insane with my selfish pride and fear of something that is not even there. I drove him to the edge and he exploded with a decision made to being single again, cancelling meeting up, avoiding phone calls and leaving me pretty much on my own.
It felt like a funeral. You know.. when a person dies, you can’t do anything to revive him or her back but yet the day goes on. Time betrays you and the ‘so called’ past which used to have a promising future gives a pretty much unintended present and you just wish you were the one in the coffin instead of the element that has been taken away from you. What if I was the one who don’t have to suffer from this loss? What if I just disappear? It was an unwanted calmness where I was forced to stay in a room listening to my own breath.
My eyes itched as facebook became accessible on the work puter. I found it hard to breathe and my chest gave a throbbing pain as I realized that my ex boyfriend is ‘single’. Feeling like a kid who is hated in the class and also pretty much let down by the teacher, I had no one to blame but myself. I kept swallowing air into my dry throat as tears started to fall down my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I’m not gonna cry. This is just a break up. It’s natural in life. It’s part of life.
Then, it amazed me how I’ve been totally out of touch with the way I used to feel when Simon left me. Simon left me not because he was an asshole. Well, maybe he was or he wasn’t but thinking back, I did the same thing I did to BooMan. I drove him crazy with insecurities. I let the fire burn inside me and the person who I had no idea of took control of my body and made decisions. My instincts ran fowl and my inner voice was not heard anymore.
The calm before the storm. What did I learn? I learnt that no matter how much you think you could have survived the heat you felt from the first burn, it’s better being dead than breathing after the second burn. As I thought to myself, I have no idea what my future holds anymore. I’m sad, torn, betrayed by my own intelligence and most of all, I’ve let go of the one man I’ve loved and still can’t get out of my head since eleven months ago that we fell in love. Three months ago that I proposed to him on the phone. A day ago that we were planning on meeting each other.
Folks, Hein is dead!.
Listening to: Green Day – 21 guns
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