It kinda sucks that I won’t be able to use my friends’ nicknames on this entry, only since it’s pretty personal and since I’ve been uploading photos of those who’s already had a nick on my blog, it can be quite obvious who I could be referring to.
LadyA and I talked on the phone today and I was pretty surprised to find out that she’s actually married with her hubby oversea. Curious and pretty much quite on the topic, I found out that she was sick of living under his rules that she got back here to leave him there. The whole male dominance can be quite scary; I’m not really talking about those who imprison their wives and not do anything about it. This man does love her, would do anything for her except encourage her to start her own lifestyle. She was taken care of; money, support and a home she’s got but he wouldn’t encourage her to go on with her career or have a baby with her. Now, I know that I was kinda in a relationship where the topic ‘baby’ was our favorite and it’s kinda hard to find a gay man who’s into having babies. But then again, hearing her story, I kinda have this fear of being under a settled older man. What if I got myself into a relationship under an older protective man who would support me in anyways but would not really encourage to live the life I want. Not to forget, I could be quite stubborn about who/what I wanna be. This whole story I heard about LadyA only made me feel a bit too comfortable leading a life on my own. I don’t know.. things have been pushing me to go back to my single life lately. I can’t really be fucked being happy for the one I love and for once I guess I just want to not have to try.
I was on my way to the dvd rental with hopes of just watching movies the whole day when I called one of my friends, ManB. ManB didn’t sound that good on the phone and I found out that his parents were going through a divorce. It wasn’t actually a divorce but it kinda resembled my sister’s story. He had moved his mom to Singapore to be away from his dad, who’s been having affairs with other women/woman. ManB was in a weed circle when I got there with two beer bottles, jerkies, chips, seaweeds and a menthol cigarette pack. It’s nice to be around people in misery when I, myself, had no reasons to be that happy about my life lately. I had two puffs; maybe it was the kind of weed which was strong or the menthol cigarette that I had it with but I got a bit high after that two puffs. ManB’s wife joined our convo and we talked about how unfair it was for kids when the parents want to do whatever they want when they get older.
I know it’s only fair to respect what your parents want. I mean, there are a couple of times when ‘divorce’ would be the only way out. However, this does not serve the purpose that the word ‘divorce’ should be easily used. I guess I’m pretty much doing the right thing not concluding who my future partner is and just finding possibilities out and just waiting for ‘the man’ to be the great father of my kids in the future. I would be too chicken to file a divorce with the man I love after we have kids. This kinda reminds me of my hairdresser, who’s actually having an affair with the husband of the salon owner. The owner knows it but the hairdresser being the best employee who can run the shop (not to mention the best hairdresser to do my hair right all the time) made it hard for her to fire her or either bring the issue up. Just like the owner, I would just be sitting at home miserable, maybe possibly finding happiness in our kids, while my partner would be having sex with another man.
I don’t know what part of the ‘relationship’ makes all of us think that it’s a joyride. As for me, being a believer of a pretty much ‘as perfect as we can be’ lifetime with my partner, I do want to try to get a partner who would pretty much be tired out with having fucking around with other men to finally settle with me when we’re married, not to mention someone who would not throw a third party in the picture, be them the boys or exes from the past or the newbies he’d find in the future.
ManB, his wife, his friend and I went for a ride around downtown with his kid for ice cream. On the way, I can’t help looking at the kid and smiling to myself. So, I guess this is what life is. Life is all in the eyes of the future you would be adapting yourself to. A fond fan of having a descendant, I looked into the kid’s eyes and found out that in order to get a perfect future for my kids, I would have to sacrifice the little cool things which I could get now from any man with an inner conscious mind about how the future can be good or bad with the partner.
It’s not now that matters. It’s the trust that I could feel with a man right now which would only be able to make me build a life with him. Like LadyA, I do not want a material bank from my partner. Houses, cars, jewelry … meh. I want to be free like her and doing things for my own good like she’s doing at the moment. I want it to be on equal heights where my partner and I do things equally while we support each other. Like ManB’s parents, I would not want to be filing a divorce out of misery in the future with a partner.
I don’t mean to sound depressed but in order to be my partner, anyone better be prepared to give their best… not for me.. but for my kids with him.
LadyA and I talked on the phone today and I was pretty surprised to find out that she’s actually married with her hubby oversea. Curious and pretty much quite on the topic, I found out that she was sick of living under his rules that she got back here to leave him there. The whole male dominance can be quite scary; I’m not really talking about those who imprison their wives and not do anything about it. This man does love her, would do anything for her except encourage her to start her own lifestyle. She was taken care of; money, support and a home she’s got but he wouldn’t encourage her to go on with her career or have a baby with her. Now, I know that I was kinda in a relationship where the topic ‘baby’ was our favorite and it’s kinda hard to find a gay man who’s into having babies. But then again, hearing her story, I kinda have this fear of being under a settled older man. What if I got myself into a relationship under an older protective man who would support me in anyways but would not really encourage to live the life I want. Not to forget, I could be quite stubborn about who/what I wanna be. This whole story I heard about LadyA only made me feel a bit too comfortable leading a life on my own. I don’t know.. things have been pushing me to go back to my single life lately. I can’t really be fucked being happy for the one I love and for once I guess I just want to not have to try.
I was on my way to the dvd rental with hopes of just watching movies the whole day when I called one of my friends, ManB. ManB didn’t sound that good on the phone and I found out that his parents were going through a divorce. It wasn’t actually a divorce but it kinda resembled my sister’s story. He had moved his mom to Singapore to be away from his dad, who’s been having affairs with other women/woman. ManB was in a weed circle when I got there with two beer bottles, jerkies, chips, seaweeds and a menthol cigarette pack. It’s nice to be around people in misery when I, myself, had no reasons to be that happy about my life lately. I had two puffs; maybe it was the kind of weed which was strong or the menthol cigarette that I had it with but I got a bit high after that two puffs. ManB’s wife joined our convo and we talked about how unfair it was for kids when the parents want to do whatever they want when they get older.
I know it’s only fair to respect what your parents want. I mean, there are a couple of times when ‘divorce’ would be the only way out. However, this does not serve the purpose that the word ‘divorce’ should be easily used. I guess I’m pretty much doing the right thing not concluding who my future partner is and just finding possibilities out and just waiting for ‘the man’ to be the great father of my kids in the future. I would be too chicken to file a divorce with the man I love after we have kids. This kinda reminds me of my hairdresser, who’s actually having an affair with the husband of the salon owner. The owner knows it but the hairdresser being the best employee who can run the shop (not to mention the best hairdresser to do my hair right all the time) made it hard for her to fire her or either bring the issue up. Just like the owner, I would just be sitting at home miserable, maybe possibly finding happiness in our kids, while my partner would be having sex with another man.
I don’t know what part of the ‘relationship’ makes all of us think that it’s a joyride. As for me, being a believer of a pretty much ‘as perfect as we can be’ lifetime with my partner, I do want to try to get a partner who would pretty much be tired out with having fucking around with other men to finally settle with me when we’re married, not to mention someone who would not throw a third party in the picture, be them the boys or exes from the past or the newbies he’d find in the future.
ManB, his wife, his friend and I went for a ride around downtown with his kid for ice cream. On the way, I can’t help looking at the kid and smiling to myself. So, I guess this is what life is. Life is all in the eyes of the future you would be adapting yourself to. A fond fan of having a descendant, I looked into the kid’s eyes and found out that in order to get a perfect future for my kids, I would have to sacrifice the little cool things which I could get now from any man with an inner conscious mind about how the future can be good or bad with the partner.
It’s not now that matters. It’s the trust that I could feel with a man right now which would only be able to make me build a life with him. Like LadyA, I do not want a material bank from my partner. Houses, cars, jewelry … meh. I want to be free like her and doing things for my own good like she’s doing at the moment. I want it to be on equal heights where my partner and I do things equally while we support each other. Like ManB’s parents, I would not want to be filing a divorce out of misery in the future with a partner.
I don’t mean to sound depressed but in order to be my partner, anyone better be prepared to give their best… not for me.. but for my kids with him.
Listening to: Ou Est Le Swimming Pool – Dance the way I feel
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