Love

I have sworn to readers before that my blog would be written without any backspaces when it comes to my issues and I have been pretty honest with almost anything. But I guess when you start lying about things to yourself, you kinda end up lying about it in the blog as well. I watched this movie last night called "Accidental Husband" and it got me thinking real hard and an hour later, I realized that I did have someone in my life who I have really ever loved.

Two years ago, which was also two years after I broke up with my ex boyfriend, or should I say my only boyfriend of my life, Simon, I dated the most beautiful guy, Kieran. After a long period of lack of self-confidence, cynical point of view and bitter nostalgia, I gave in to this feeling I got when I first met Kieran.

The Build-Up
Kieran and I have known each other for seven months without seeing each other. He was with his boyfriend back then, Terry, and we would always chat on msn. To me, he was just another pretty face or in a more low-tone term, a fresh meat. But, after so many conversations with him, I have begun to appreciate his personality and also built up this respect for him, as well as love. Be it brother or friendship, I felt it quite strong in my system. He broke up with Terry later.

It was a revue night and my best friend, Ali, and I went to a revue after party. Revue after parties is usually an excuse to either hook up or get drunk faced with those you love and have worked with each other for yonks, given making a revue is such a long process and an addictive routine. Ali hit it off with Ben that night and I was text messaging Kieran about how bored I was at the party since it's eased down to make out or chillax session after the heavy drinkers collapsed. Tipsy, Kieran invited me over. Tipsy, I accepted.

The park
The park next to my Randwick appartment was where I met him. I just needed some alone time with someone I'd love to talk to and there we were, Kieran and I on a park bench talking, both tipsy and almost impossible to make out what we were both saying. He felt cold and we went back to his place. Two boys in a bed in their boxers, after some pushing and shoving, turned out to be a kiss fest. I still remember the first time his lips touched mine. It wasn't heaven. I just felt real for once. For someone who kisses people around for the fun of it and sleeps around, I just felt like I could accept that I like kissing him. We fell asleep and we woke up the next morning, both knowing there is a chance or hope that we would get together.

Chris's Handshake
A month passed on. A month of ice cream dates, candlelit treehouse and park sitting. Kieran made me do things I never thought was possible. Romance runs in my blood but I felt worth it when I used some of my romance routines on him. One night, I went to an asian shop with my brother(not my real brother), Pete, and we snatched out some toys off the claw machine. I got myself two and he's got himself four. I called Kieran and told him about it and he was around town. I went to Stonewall and gave him one of those toys I clawed out. I was introduced to this guy "Chris". I shook his hand and I could feel the insincere vibe. Being an oversea uni student among the gay capital wasn't actually cool. In a world where being materialisticly awesome was acceptable, I felt small when I talked to Chris. Conversation with him didn't last long either and I started feeling insecure and scared in Kieran's friend's crowd. It hit me then when he introduced me as his 'friend' after we actually dated. So, I went home scared.

The next week, Kieran and I went for a movie. The upper seatings area was banned but I sneaked him into that area and there we were, sitting in the middle of empty seats with his head in my arm and me kissing his forehead. Scared and helpless about the "chris" incident though I didn't really have any reasons to be, I gripped his shoulder tight while he dozed off in my arm. Long day at work, my knight in shining armor retreated to a short nap while I watched the movie, thinking and thinking.. and thinking. After he took me home and after I got down, I turned back at him and asked him, looking into his eyes. "Do you like me?"... "Yes, I do"

That filled out my one month with him. I got him a ticket for a comedy show at my uni and we decided to go out one night and he came and picked me up from work. I wrote him a song, got a bouquet of yellow flowers cos he likes the color yellow and waited for time to pass. My workmates got all excited when he came into work after the shop had been shut and took pics of me and him and the yellow bouquet. Happiest night ever. We went for a movie again and then I told him I had to talk to him. Surprisingly, he said the same thing. We need to talk....

We need to talk
So, as usual, I took him to the park where we used to sit. He was cold on his way home so I gave him my jacket. Then, I asked him what he had to say. He forced me to say what I had to say first. I gave in and asked him 'what are we?' and his facial expression turned serious and for the first time, I saw him sad. I still remembered his tone. A dry whispery yet gentle with a bit of a crack tone you would normally hear from a kid who just hit puberty. He said he doesn't know but he doesn't see us together but he would like to be my friend. My mouth went dry. I couldn't face him. I stared at the dusty ground. He knew I was upset and he couldn't face me either. I told him it's cool and I asked him if we could just go home and I would call him later. I asked him not to walk me home. Thank god, I did cos I cried walking home and it wasn't a soft cry. It was a cry of defeat and letting go. I cried like I did when I was six and went home.

He called me when I got home to check if I were ok. I lied. I said it's fine and that I would call him when I'm ready....

As it turned out, the comedy show tickets were still on and knowing I did know Kieran seven months before we dated, I told him I could take it. We went to the comedy show together. Saw a friend called Rachel on the bus. Rachel saw us together and teased around. She and I would always do the whole "I like you, you like me" thing like we were a couple. Kieran interrupted with "Don't touch my man" followed by a smile. I got confused. I smiled though. Rachel, later told me that we look cute together. I gulped and I held back the sorrow that was building up. Little did she know that I was no longer Kieran's man. We were just friends who had dated and who knew we could get nothing out of this going to a comedy show.

We sat together and Kieran put his leg on mine while I grabbed his hand. Fresh from the break up as daters but filled with this unstoppable infatuation and desire that I felt for him that hasn't subsided, I took advantage of him taking advantage of me. I played along, not knowing it actually made me feel worse. I felt like I was petting a puppy that I've given to a new owner. We went back home and I called him and told him the truth. I told him I can't see him any longer cos it pained me and it killed me. I told him he confused the shit outta me by gesticulating and expressing things that usually 'friends' wouldn't do. It was over....

A month of no Kieran, I went to his facebook account to wish him a birthday wish in November and I saw a pic of him and Chris. They were together. It broke my heart. I know I didn't own him but it was just too soon to face this kind of picture. I ended up not wishing him, knowing it would kill me to receive any messages back from him.

I dated Todd. I wasn't attracted to him but I made a dinner for him and asked him to sleep over and we slept in the living room on our futon facing the moonlight from our balcony. He slept over. I thought this could be yet another chapter in my love life but I guess I was just living off what was left of me at the 'romance' department that Kieran had retrieved out of me. I told Todd I couldn't go on the next day. Not a good thing and I got bitched at like a high school boy who just dumped a prom queen. I was hated.

Weakness
It was of no use pretending to hate Kieran and I finally met up with him after a few months and we went for a dinner and a movie, as usual. He asked me if I were ok. I gave him a fake confident reply, which was 'yes' of course and this was when I know that I actually love this boy, be it boyfriend or not. He was happy and glad that we could still be friends. We started calling each other names that we both lived by while we were dating. Doofus and Dumov. I was doofus and he was dumov. Then, he looked into my eyes and went all serious. The face he pulled when he broke up. I was a bit hesitant to what I could make of it and I asked him "What's wrong?", feeling scared.

"No one has become a friend of mine after I break up with them. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I'm a good person, you know". He got all teary. I felt so strong for once again. i felt like a mother. I felt superior. I felt like I could save a soul. I felt.... loved. I told him what I had to. That I knew him seven months before I dated him and I love him as a person and not as someone to own as my boyfriend or anything and I promised him that I'll always be a friend to him.

After the movie, I asked him how Chris was. It was over. He told me Chris wasn't the one. I smiled.

Now that I think of it, I have loved someone in my life and I guess loving someone doesn't have to do anything with having them around your space for twenty four hours or holding a relationship status. In fact, my love for him has grown way stronger than it used to. He's got a good boyfriend at the moment, Michael, a really good looking man. I still keep in touch with Kieran and I think of him quite often. I have dated so many others and had put myself on the 'available' line with a lot but up to this day, I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved Kieran.

I am not saying there will not be another time I'll see someone I love again but for now, I guess I still love him and I have decided that I could love him until the day that I find someone to love again and actually have 'that someone' as mine. Love, to me at this moment, is not about relationship. It's not about sex. It's not about the things we do. It's about knowing he'll be in your life for as long as you can allow him to. Buddhism had taught me that greed, anger and ignorance are the three worst things in life. I guess I've gone through all anger with Kieran. Greed with Kieran. And as for now, I have eliminated the 'ignorance' part. I am no longer in denial of the fact that I love this man. I KNOW that I love him and I know he will love me and will be in my life.